I'm having trouble with our open marriage

[road]

Notice how the WH used the classic example of: you are trying to control me when asked to stop his inappropriate behavior.

[sandylee1]

I think you should take a separate flight home. Why would you want to be anywhere near him after what he said.

 

Move out and block him from contacting you for a little while, to get some thinking space. The last thing you want is to receive hurtful messages from him as well.

 

Obviously you'll need to communicate with him at some point, to end the marriage.

 

Instead of him resorting to saying such hurtful comments like:

 

- you're half the woman she is

- you were only good as a maid

- you're a prude

- he'll give the rings to a real woman

 

He should have simply said he isn't going to stop seeing her, he really likes/loves her and with it being clear and as there's no improvement with intimacy between you, you aren't happy/coping with the current situation, it's best to split up.

 

But the thought of being asked not to see the OW sent him into a tailspin.

 

It didn't need to come to this slanging match at all, but love and fear from you and jealousy (or whatever else from him), stopped either of you ending the marriage, when it was obviously the right thing to do.

 

Please get all the real life support you can from friends or family, your therapist and anyone else.

 

Your goal is to look after yourself mentally and physically. In time, set yourself mini goals of where you want to be in 6 months, 1 year etc and take active steps to achieve them.

 

You only get one life. Find your inner strength to push through this. Strive to get what you want for yourself. If you believe, you can achieve.

[ShatteredLady]

I would follow the advise to contact a lawyer & leave, no doubt. The things said can't be forgotten or forgiven. There are things that you just don't say.

 

For your piece of mind... my husband said & did the most bloody awful things whilst having the affairs. It's like he turned into a complete alien. The guilt & justifications enveloped the man he was.

 

I do NOT believe that your husband was using you all along. I think logically you know this. You appear to be an intelligent, thoughtful lady & the way you have defended the people you care about here is to your credit. Please be strong. I know how you feel. I truly do. It does get better.

[Mumbles]

Ahh geez....

 

I had an immediate flashback upon reading your post JRP - right back to 7-8 years ago when I was still married to my first wife.

 

We were on holidays too, and a -lot- of hurtful things were shouted at each other. I won't go into it here, no point, but its interesting perhaps to note that I was in an incel marriage ... my wife at the time wouldn't have sex ... different reasons, different circumstances completely.

 

I won't make this post longer than it has to be but a few bullet points:

 

- Contrary to a couple of posters, I wouldn't take these words verbatim. A lot of it, most of it, is frustration and anger and outwards facing defence. Its horrible stuff to have to be exposed to I fully know

 

- This is the type of argument that needs to be had for separation to occur. Until this stuff comes out, both parties are prone to faff about. This type of overblown emotion driven argument is literally the wedge that allows for the later separation.

 

- I understand not wanting to be on the same plane at this time, and there would appear to be little point in prolonging a holiday as you'll just be sitting on the edge of your seat waiting to get home. You might be able to change ticketing times with minimal cost, probably worth a look

 

- I would contact the OH, if for no other reason than to give him a heads up as to what he's about to be a part of when you and husband return. Also, and try not to be points scoring or petty here, but, but, your veto on the OW has failed ... theres no reason in the world for your husbands veto on the OH to remain in place. I'd definitely contact him.

 

- Its going to be hard, but try, really try, not to take your husbands harsh words to heart. I feel almost ridiculous in saying this, but believe me, he doesn't mean half of it. Yes, there -is- some truth to every lie, but in these cases, generally, only very little. None of this means he played you all along

 

- Take some time, as others have mentioned, to make your future plan. Emotion filled decisions are rarely good ones. Get to a quiet and safe place, family preferably where you can have space to think.

 

Lastly, lean on us here at LS. Thats what we are for. Yes, opinions and 'advice' vary significantly, but use us up. I've been there, and the community can help

[BettyDraper]

Ahh geez....

 

I had an immediate flashback upon reading your post JRP - right back to 7-8 years ago when I was still married to my first wife.

 

We were on holidays too, and a -lot- of hurtful things were shouted at each other. I won't go into it here, no point, but its interesting perhaps to note that I was in an incel marriage ... my wife at the time wouldn't have sex ... different reasons, different circumstances completely.

 

I won't make this post longer than it has to be but a few bullet points:

 

- Contrary to a couple of posters, I wouldn't take these words verbatim. A lot of it, most of it, is frustration and anger and outwards facing defence. Its horrible stuff to have to be exposed to I fully know

 

- This is the type of argument that needs to be had for separation to occur. Until this stuff comes out, both parties are prone to faff about. This type of overblown emotion driven argument is literally the wedge that allows for the later separation.

 

- I understand not wanting to be on the same plane at this time, and there would appear to be little point in prolonging a holiday as you'll just be sitting on the edge of your seat waiting to get home. You might be able to change ticketing times with minimal cost, probably worth a look

 

- I would contact the OH, if for no other reason than to give him a heads up as to what he's about to be a part of when you and husband return. Also, and try not to be points scoring or petty here, but, but, your veto on the OW has failed ... theres no reason in the world for your husbands veto on the OH to remain in place. I'd definitely contact him.

 

- Its going to be hard, but try, really try, not to take your husbands harsh words to heart. I feel almost ridiculous in saying this, but believe me, he doesn't mean half of it. Yes, there -is- some truth to every lie, but in these cases, generally, only very little. None of this means he played you all along

 

- Take some time, as others have mentioned, to make your future plan. Emotion filled decisions are rarely good ones. Get to a quiet and safe place, family preferably where you can have space to think.

 

Lastly, lean on us here at LS. Thats what we are for. Yes, opinions and 'advice' vary significantly, but use us up. I've been there, and the community can help

 

I think it's very destructive to minimize the OP's husband's words. He told her more than once that he meant everything he said and coupled with the texts he sent the OW, I would tend to believe that his words during the argument were not just spoken in anger.

 

The worst part of all this was that he tried to pull down the OP's pants when he knows how traumatic sex is for her. This man is a monster and he shouldn't have married someone who struggles with severe sexual trauma since he can't handle it with compassion.

 

JRP, I hope that this argument has convinced you that you need to divorce your husband and move on with your life. He's nothing but poison for you.

[sandylee1]

QUOTE=Mumbles;7199802]Ahh geez....

 

 

Contrary to a couple of posters, I wouldn't take these words verbatim. A lot of it, most of it, is frustration

 

But many of us predicted this, so why don't you think it represents how he feels or is true?

 

She's heard him say he regrets the marriage before today.

 

She knew he was deep into the OW on a physical and emotional level.

 

She had a strong feeling that he felt it's just him she can't be intimate with.

 

I would contact the OWs H, if for no other reason than to give him a heads up as to what he's about to be a part of when you and husband return

 

Very good point.

 

Its going to be hard, but try, really try, not to take your husbands harsh words to heart.

 

Saying hard is an understatement. After the trauma that led to the OP not being able to have sex, what he said about her being a prude and c***teaser are unforgivable.

 

He meant what he said. The resentment and bitterness all came flooding out.There was no need for half of what he said.

 

 

- Take some time, as others have mentioned, to make your future plan. Emotion filled decisions are rarely good ones. Get to a quiet and safe place, family preferably where you can have space to think.

 

Lastly, lean on us here at LS. Thats

 

He's exceedingly cruel forwhat he said. I hope he never has a daughter who suffers the trauma you did.

 

He meant what he said, no need to think otherwise.

 

I agree with BettyD.

[JRP]

The fight happened Thursday morning, it's almost 9PM here and since he left the hotel room he hasn't even tried to contact me. He didn't know that I got a different room. He went back to the room and my stuff was gone and he didn't even bother to find out where I was. I don't want to talk to him, but it still hurts. It's a foreign country and he doesn't care where I am. Not that it's dangerous in Amsterdam but still... I booked a flight to go home early. The trip was a work trip for him, so he can't leave early.

 

I feel bad for the things that I said to him. It makes me wonder if he even cares about what he said to me. I don't believe that he didn't mean it. Even I meant what I said, I wouldn't usually let it pass through my filter, but I still meant it.

 

I texted the OW's H (I guess she isn't the OW anymore... she's the woman) and just told him the basic, short version of what is going on. I don't want to talk to anyone about it IRL right now... Just so he knows, since he is married to the other half of the equation. He texted me tonight and said she was looking at flights to this country. So my husband is ready to just fly her out here as soon as I'm out of the picture. She works I doubt she could just get time off like that, but that's irrelevant.

 

I don't want to see him again. I just want to file for divorce and be done. I'd rather walk away with nothing than have to fight it out for months or years. I called my bank and told them what was going on, as soon as I'm home our accounts are going to be separated. Right now we have separate accounts but they are joined in the same card, if that makes sense... Our finances aren't pooled, but he has access to mine and I have access to his through the same debit card and pin.

 

I like the different opinions that I get here. I know that my opinion isn't the only one, I like being able to see things from the "other sides" even if I don't agree.

 

The worst part of all this was that he tried to pull down the OP's pants when he knows how traumatic sex is for her. This man is a monster and he shouldn't have married someone who struggles with severe sexual trauma since he can't handle it with compassion.

 

There was more to it, more that he did, that I wasn't comfortable writing. I'm still shaken up by it. That's my husband and he completely betrayed my trust when he did that. I don't want him to be my husband anymore.

[impasse]

There was more to it, more that he did, that I wasn't comfortable writing. I'm still shaken up by it. That's my husband and he completely betrayed my trust when he did that. I don't want him to be my husband anymore.

 

Husband or not, foreign country or not, that is sexual assault and I would be contacting the police. 112 is the equivalent of 911 or tell the hotel staff you need to speak with the police.

[JRP]

Husband or not, foreign country or not, that is sexual assault and I would be contacting the police. 112 is the equivalent of 911 or tell the hotel staff you need to speak with the police.

 

I don't want to go there.

[BaileyB]

 

There was more to it, more that he did, that I wasn't comfortable writing. I'm still shaken up by it. That's my husband and he completely betrayed my trust when he did that. I don't want him to be my husband anymore.

 

I'm so sorry. I wondered about that, and I'm not surprised. It is a terrible breach of trust, from someone you loved.

 

It's good that you are able to separate from him. He has behaved terribly and you don't deserve the things that he has said and done. No, you don't want a man who could be so hurtful to be your husband. You deserve someone who will honor your trust and treat you with love and care. This man, is not the right man for you.

[oldshirt]

Disrespect, hypercriticism, bitterness, contempt, belittling and insults towards one's virility/femininity etc are all behavior signs of someone being sexually imprinted on another person.

 

He has gone over the edge and he now sees you as an impediment and obstacle to his sexuality and happiness and he sees your request to stop his involvement with her as a threat to his sexuality and happiness.

 

He is gone. I am sorry.

 

He is now toxic to you and being with him will be more harmful and traumatic to you than it will be any kind of benefit to you.

 

It is in your better interest to your well being to separate yourself from him and this toxic situation.

 

IMHO there is no recovery from this. Don't waste time and energy and money trying to reconcile. Use that time, energy and money dissolving your involvement with him instead. Once you have done that, then you can build anew and move on with your own life and your own recovery.

[DeadEyedSuburbanite]

 

There was more to it, more that he did, that I wasn't comfortable writing. I'm still shaken up by it. That's my husband and he completely betrayed my trust when he did that. I don't want him to be my husband anymore.

 

I just found this thread and read it start to finish, and for what it's worth I'm really sorry it's turned out this way. Your husband acted like a monster and his words and actions seem to have been deliberately calculated to hurt you in the worst way possible.

 

I hope you can get away from him and end up with someone who will love you and treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

[sandylee1]

 

he didn't even bother to find out where I was

 

There was more to it, more that he did, that I wasn't comfortable writing. I'm still shaken up by it. That's my husband and he completely betrayed my trust when he did that. I don't want him to be my husband anymore.

 

How dare he do that to you. That's awful. He's put himself on the same level as the rapists who did this to you, except he knew how traumatised you are by it.

 

Talk about a total lack of empathy from him.

 

On another note, I was thinking about you and wondered if you'd ever been to any rape victims support groups? Look online for groups in your area.

 

It might help to talk to others who have suffered like you. My heart really goes out to you, you don't deserve any of this.

[MJJean]

I'm so sorry.

[Mumbles]

Ahh geez....

 

Contrary to a couple of posters, I wouldn't take these words verbatim. A lot of it, most of it, is frustration

 

But many of us predicted this, so why don't you think it represents how he feels or is true?

 

Fair call... I'll tell you why its possible. But first, realise that no-one here except the OP knows the people involved. When I say 'possible' I mean exactly that...possible.

 

I said a lot of really harsh things in a _massive_ blowout my first wife and I had on our holiday as I mentioned in my previous post.

 

I got my fair share of vitriol too make no mistake. These are things that can't be unsaid, but there is a fair amount of expansion and exaggeration possible in these types of emotion filled, aggressive outbursts as well.

 

 

She's heard him say he regrets the marriage before today.

 

Yeah, whatever. Have you never had an emotional and verbal meltdown? I told my wife that our marriage had already ceased to be years before ... this plainly wasn't the case, we loved each other years before.

 

 

He meant what he said. The resentment and bitterness all came flooding out.There was no need for half of what he said.

 

Yes, indeed. But in arguments of this type, a lot of whats said is simply meant to cause hurt and pain, but not in a prior-intent malicious way. Its usually part of an escalation, as was very much the case here, words started calm and respectful and escalated completely out of control as the hurt built up on both sides.

 

Its impossible to do when you're in the thick of it, but the 'best' way to handle these type of discussion is to stop them, immediately, once things start to spiral out of control.

Edited January 21, 2017 by Mumbles

[Mumbles]

The fight happened Thursday morning, it's almost 9PM here and since he left the hotel room he hasn't even tried to contact me. He didn't know that I got a different room. He went back to the room and my stuff was gone and he didn't even bother to find out where I was.

 

Defences are up. This apparent lack of care is defence and a 'show' of strength.

 

I don't want to talk to him, but it still hurts. It's a foreign country and he doesn't care where I am. Not that it's dangerous in Amsterdam but still... I booked a flight to go home early. The trip was a work trip for him, so he can't leave early.

 

Good call I think. Get home and start gaining advice from legal council.

 

 

So my husband is ready to just fly her out here as soon as I'm out of the picture. She works I doubt she could just get time off like that, but that's irrelevant.

 

Hard to take, but yes, irrelevant at this point.

 

I don't want to see him again. I just want to file for divorce and be done. I'd rather walk away with nothing than have to fight it out for months or years.

 

Don't do that, don't walk away.

 

You've built a life up till now with your husband, whilst that can't continue, from here its about amicable separation. Not easy to achieve, but can be done. You shouldn't agree to walk away with just the clothes on your back. Half of what you've built together is rightfully yours and will help you to start to build your life again.

 

Get council, they will assist you to follow the well trod path of separation of assets. Communicate through your council, don't talk to your husband directly - the reason is that you really shouldn't agree to less than you're due and in direct comms sometimes ground can be given that shouldn't even be under negotiation.

 

Despite the pain, anguish, hurt and emotional whirlwind you are in right now, it _is_ possible to conduct these things amicably, the key is having a third party negotiator assisting. They won't agree to anything without speaking with you first, but it gives you the space to not continually be at the front lines fighting.

 

I called my bank and told them what was going on, as soon as I'm home our accounts are going to be separated. Right now we have separate accounts but they are joined in the same card, if that makes sense... Our finances aren't pooled, but he has access to mine and I have access to his through the same debit card and pin.

 

Yep, very important. any 'joint and several' arrangements should be terminated immediately.

 

Get a statement, if you can, of the current financial situation of both of you immediately. Money and other liquid assets can be moved and/or spent in the bat of an eyelid and then become unavailable for fair and equitable redistribution.

 

There was more to it, more that he did, that I wasn't comfortable writing. I'm still shaken up by it. That's my husband and he completely betrayed my trust when he did that. I don't want him to be my husband anymore.

 

Yes. All the dirty laundry comes out about now in a separation. No need to share it all here, only whats comfortable for you.

 

In my case, I couldn't talk to friends and family about my stuff in the early days ... I just couldn't. LS was a resource that acted as a sounding board and there were several people here who really helped me get through a very tough time in my life.

[oldshirt]

Fair call... I'll tell you why its possible. But first, realise that no-one here except the OP knows the people involved. When I say 'possible' I mean exactly that...possible.

 

I said a lot of really harsh things in a _massive_ blowout my first wife and I had on our holiday as I mentioned in my previous post.

 

I got my fair share of vitriol too make no mistake. These are things that can't be unsaid, but there is a fair amount of expansion and exaggeration possible in these types of emotion filled, aggressive outbursts as well.

 

 

 

 

Yeah, whatever. Have you never had an emotional and verbal meltdown? I told my wife that our marriage had already ceased to be years before ... this plainly wasn't the case, we loved each other years before.

 

 

 

 

Yes, indeed. But in arguments of this type, a lot of whats said is simply meant to cause hurt and pain, but not in a prior-intent malicious way. Its usually part of an escalation, as was very much the case here, words started calm and respectful and escalated completely out of control as the hurt built up on both sides.

 

Its impossible to do when you're in the thick of it, but the 'best' way to handle these type of discussion is to stop them, immediately, once things start to spiral out of control.

 

But you can't say something without thinking it or feeling it.

 

Yes down the road after the dust has settled and the passions have died down people may look back and realize they went too far and that what they said may have them in the doghouse.

 

But when those words were pouring out, he was thinking it, feeling it and meaning it.

 

He is for all practical purposes in love with and sexually infatuated with the OW.

 

From what I can gather from JRP's posts, she has always denied him and they have never had sex after years of marriage.

 

Now he is having hot, monkey sex swinging from the chandeliers with the OW and there are serious mutual feelings involved as well.

 

JRP stands between him and a sex life he has not had in years if ever. In his heart, mind and loins he sees her as the enemy. His feelings of contempt, frustration, disrespect and disdain for her are real.

 

He was ok with having her around the house as long as she cooks, cleans, pays her share of the rent and utilities and is otherwise a good, platonic roommate.

 

But the moment she tried to interfere with his sexlife and his access to the woman that was providing his sex, he reacted the way any man would react if someone was intentionally trying to put the kibosh on his love interest and sex partner - he lashed out with anger and contempt.

 

Now that he has an active and satisfying sexlife, he is not going to go back to a sexless marriage and involuntary celibacy. What man would??

 

I say this not to rub salt in JRP's wounds, my heart aches for her. I say this to demonstrate the futility of this terrible situation.

 

This situation is toxic for all. The only way to salvage this mess is to get away from it.

[sandylee1]

Quote from JRP

 

I don't want to see him again. I just want to file for divorce and be done. I'd rather walk away with nothing than have to fight it out for months or years

 

 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^ I understand how you feel. Just a fair split of your assets shouldn't drag out, unless he deems much of the assets as his.

 

You have a bit of a headstart if you get home first.

 

Take copies of

 

~bank statements from his/your accounts

~Copies of investments like stocks and shares

~Paperwork for all assets

 

And give to your lawyer. Let all communication go through your lawyer.

 

Have a plan in case he tries to come to your place of work.

 

Think about any bills currently in your name that need to be changed as well.

[impasse]

Originally Posted by JRP

There was more to it, more that he did, that I wasn't comfortable writing. I'm still shaken up by it. That's my husband and he completely betrayed my trust when he did that. I don't want him to be my husband anymore.

 

Yes. All the dirty laundry comes out about now in a separation. No need to share it all here, only whats comfortable for you.

 

Depends on what "more" he did. Based on her post he took the sexual abuse further than just trying to pull down her pants. That's more than dirty laundry.

 

Glad she is separating.

[EZNona]

I think it's very destructive to minimize the OP's husband's words. He told her more than once that he meant everything he said and coupled with the texts he sent the OW, I would tend to believe that his words during the argument were not just spoken in anger.

 

The worst part of all this was that he tried to pull down the OP's pants when he knows how traumatic sex is for her. This man is a monster and he shouldn't have married someone who struggles with severe sexual trauma since he can't handle it with compassion.

 

 

My stomach churned when I read the disgusting things he said to JRP and I literally leaped up from my seat when I read the part about trying to pull down her pants.

 

The poster who said he behaved like a monster is 100% correct.

 

Someone mentioned that none of his behaviors should surprise us. While I was not surprised to hear that he didn't and wouldn't stop seeing the OW, I was genuinely appalled and taken aback by his vitriol towards the OP.

 

I am always surprised when hearing such nastiness slung to those a person claimed to love or once loved. I would never expect a man to talk to his wife in the way JRP's husband did. Even if you no longer loved your spouse, to not have simple human decency to treat your partner with an ounce of basic care or respect is mind boggling to me.

 

And I totally get saying things in anger, but nope....this guy went beyond too far. You can't come back from hearing a man say something like:

 

"You were never a wife, you'll never be half the woman (OW) is. You are a housemaid at best, and you're not even good at that;

Let me know when you want to stop being a prude and c***tease;

If you were twice as smart you'd still be stupid as f***;

Stop being a c**t.

Go do some laundry, that's all you were ever useful for. Maybe make some dinner while I go out and bang a prostitute here.;

You're an embarrassment for a wife. Not only are you a prude, you're overall a terrible wife. Marrying you was the biggest mistake of my life. I want you erased from my past, present and future"

 

We should not act like these are words you just put aside because they came out while in a fit of anger.

 

JRP, I think you are handling it just as you should by getting the hell away from him and this marriage. You have displayed a ton of empathy and understanding towards your husband and have tolerated a lot of misgivings just for the sake of keeping him a content husband.

 

But he has shown you thanks by violating you in the worst way verbally, emotionally, and physically. I am so very sorry things came out like this, but at least you know now what's really in his heart and not waste another 1,2, 5 years on someone who doesn't deserve you.

 

Also, If that the OW is now attempting to fly out there to meet your husband knowing you were there with him first, then she is just as much of a monster as he is. They belong together. I have no doubt they've had many conversations laughing at the expense of both you and the OW's husband when they are out together. Just plain horrible.

[anna121]

I have to agree with those who are calling this exchange unforgivable.

 

Words can wound. Words can destroy. To lash out in the way he did shows deep dysfunction. Not all of that is on him - this was a bizarre situation for any marriage and likely unsustainable. And let's not forget that OP probably gave as good as she got (going by her own words). But. But. But. He reacted in the worst possible way.

 

Combine that with what sounds like attempted sexual assault, and it sounds like game-over.

[oldshirt]

 

, I was genuinely appalled and taken aback by his vitriol towards the OP.

 

I am always surprised when hearing such nastiness slung to those a person claimed to love or once loved. I would never expect a man to talk to his wife in the way JRP's husband did. Even if you no longer loved your spouse, to not have simple human decency to treat your partner with an ounce of basic care or respect is mind boggling to me.

 

I have witnessed an outburst like this first hand with my eyes and ears one time.

 

The roles were slightly different but it was the same basic concept - A woman who was not willing to provide for his love/sexuality needs was trying to block a man's access to the woman he loved and who was providing for him.

 

It was a roommate and close friend of mine when we were in our mid 20s. He was involved with his first 'real' GF and steady sex partner, but his sister hated the GF. She meddled into their affairs and pissed off the GF causing her to stomp out and broke off their engagement.

 

He did not quite physically assault his sister, but the vitriole and rage and ugly things that came out of his mouth were truly shocking and disturbing.

 

That was almost 30 years ago and he and his sister are now on cordial terms, but the scars are still there and it took many many years to get to this point......and they are brother and sister.

 

When someone comes between a man and the woman he loves/sex giver, who isn't willing or able to provide for those needs themselves, there is going to be some major hostility and ugliness coming their way.

[BaileyB]

It would certainly appear that they do deserve each other...

 

And you deserve so much more...

 

Stay strong. Do what you have to do re: finances and lawyer. Do what you need to heal - cry, talk, run... It will be a journey for you OP, but you should not stay with this man. Leave him to the OW because what they have done is unforgivable.

[sandylee1]

QUOTE=oldshirt;7200600]

 

But you can't say something without thinking it or feeling it.

 

Very true.

 

But when those words were pouring out, he was thinking it, feeling it and meaning it.

 

Absolutely.

 

He is for all practical purposes in love with and sexually infatuated with the OW.

 

.... she has always denied him and they have never had sex after years of marriage.

 

Yes. As a result of PTSD, which he was well aware of before they got married.

 

JRP stands between him and a sex life he has not had in years if ever. In his heart, mind and loins he sees her as the enemy. His feelings of contempt, frustration, disrespect and disdain for her are real.

 

They certainly are.

 

He was ok with having her around the house as long as she cooks, cleans, pays her share of the rent and utilities and is otherwise a good, platonic roommate.

 

Very cruel of him to use her like that. Instead of getting a divorce. Furthermore, even though he didn't want her, he stopped her her friendship with the OW's H. Basically wanting to have it all his own way.

 

Now that he has an active and satisfying sexlife, he is not going to go back to a sexless marriage and involuntary celibacy. What man would??

 

I don't get what man would enter a marriage knowing what he knew. At a point before marriage, they'd been together for 13 months and JRP was unable to have sex. So he broke up with her, because he needed sex and then came crawling back. I don't understand why a man who knew he couldn't go without sex would come back and then proceed to get married. Even if he thought it could happen, he'd already seen that in over a year, nothing happened, so his behaviour now, acting like he's been dupped is outrageous

 

This situation is toxic for all. The only way to salvage this mess is to get away from it.

 

I think his biggest anger, is that he went into this with his eyes open and is angry with himself more than anyone else, but for many, it's hard to say you were wrong without trying blame someone else.

 

Up until the argument turned nasty and he was still lying about saying those things just to keep the OW happy. So he wanted to continue having you as his cook and cleaner, instead of being honest.

 

He has shown no empathy and understanding by pulling your pants down and the rest of what he did. His actions in this respect , whether angry or not were disgraceful and wicked.

 

This was a gang rape in which you were drugged and him knowing this, really puts him at the bottom of the pile

 

He knows he's been stringing you along and deceiving you as far as the OW is concerned. There are several things you've previously said, that indicated his attachment to her and he was clearly pulling away from you. I wonder if his horrible comment about you not being smart relates to this.

 

It's something I see WH say to the OW when they're having an affair and treating their wives terribly, in the hopes she'll pull the plug. They brag about how mean they've been to her (refusing sex, and staying out late, being over critical) and yet she's still being so nice and not getting the hint.

 

He's a coward for what he said and did to you. He was just so focussed on being 'the one' that he lost sight of you as a human being, then when he saw someone else light something up in you, jealousy took over. I can't have her, so nobody else will.

 

JRP, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger... and you will be stronger when you come out of the other end of this. YOU REALLY WILL.

[MJJean]

 

You've built a life up till now with your husband, whilst that can't continue, from here its about amicable separation. Not easy to achieve, but can be done. You shouldn't agree to walk away with just the clothes on your back. Half of what you've built together is rightfully yours and will help you to start to build your life again.

 

This isn't a standard separation and divorce. OP has literally never had sex with her husband. Never. Not once. Their marriage stands a good chance of qualifying for annulment as it was never consummated. If the marriage can be annulled, it legally never existed retroactively and OP is not entitled to anything of his nor is he entitled to anything of hers.

 

If finances are a concern at all, it may be less expensive to simply annul the marriage or to do a fast uncontested divorce and walk than to argue over assets. Attorney's fees tend to eat assets quickly.