I'm having trouble with our open marriage

[EZNona]

It is indeed proof that you can build intimacy with the right guy. It's as if your body and mind was sub-consciously protecting you from your husband.

 

As horrible as this experience may have been, there is no doubt that you have been liberated to eventually start enjoying a better life for yourself.

 

You are doing everything right and showing so much bravery in response to what happened to you.

 

It's pretty awe-inspiring.

[anna121]

You are showing remarkable self-possession and calm. It's staggering, actually.

 

I think you have the right instincts about OWH and I certainly don't fault you for leaning on him a bit. I am concerned, though, that you risk entering another messy situation, so I hope you can find the support you need from others too.

[stillafool]

The bolded sentence proves that you have the capacity to be sexual with another man as long as he is loving and respectful. I don't blame you for calling the OW's husband and I'm glad he helped you move. He sounds like a great friend to you which is what you need right now. I could see this developing into a romance after you have healed from your hellish marriage.

 

Good for you for taking steps to end your marriage. It shows strength that you are refusing to tolerate sexual and emotional abuse from your husband. I'm glad that you were able to find a rental so quickly.

 

This! I wouldn't be surprised if you make a full recovery after you leave your H. Good for you that you've already got a new place to live.

[JRP]

You are showing remarkable self-possession and calm. It's staggering, actually.

 

I think you have the right instincts about OWH and I certainly don't fault you for leaning on him a bit. I am concerned, though, that you risk entering another messy situation, so I hope you can find the support you need from others too.

 

I think you'd probably have a different opinion if you were here with me or if I posted more and didn't hold back the ugly side. I was a mess last night. If I pretend I'm okay then maybe everything will be okay. To be honest, I think it's going to be a lot harder when he's back home... Right now it almost doesn't feel real. There is an ocean between us. I constantly have to remind myself why I'm doing this, but once he's here, in the same city, living in our home and we have to fight over bigger items and whether we divorce or have an annulment... I don't know how I'm going to deal with that. I don't want to be fighting for months and months in court, and that may be what will happen. It should be easy... Sell the house, sell stuff we don't agree on, we have no kids, just quick and easy... He's not going to let it be easy I don't think. He should just want me gone, not want to drag it out in an annulment. He's not religious, there is no reason to want an annulment other than to hurt me. He was still married... even if legally he wasn't married. Regardless of how much he hates me he shouldn't want to "erase" our marriage like it never happened... There was good times, we loved each other... I'd love to be able to say I'm handling this perfectly and calmly, I don't think that's really true.

 

I feel bad, stupid, or something else that I can't decide on, for leaning on him. Having anything romantic with him would be a mess and is out of the question. I feel like I cheated on my husband, by having the other man here and staying the night. If divorce had never come up, it would be cheating. We're not divorced, it's only been a week... 1 week since divorce came up. And I'm already having another man over, staying the night and not going farther but wanting to... This morning, very briefly, I couldn't get the thought of sex with the other man off my mind. It was brief, probably a few minutes at most, but in that moment that's all I could think about and want. I've never had that before, ever. It just feels like cheating. I told the other man that I don't want anything to happen and he understands that (and I don't know if he even would want it anyway) but I do. I don't because I don't want to be stuck in this situation and I don't want to jump from one man to another. But I do want to... It's this constant battle of "no, that's stupid, you're going to get hurt, it's too soon, you should be dying inside" and "being with him feels so good, the feels of wanting him feel so good, I don't want him to be with someone else" which goes back to "he's married, to a horrible person", which goes to "maybe he's not as good of a guy as I think, he married her and stayed with her", and on and on.

 

I feel the same about my husband, I don't want him to be with anyone else. Which is stupid because he has been with other women for parts of our relationship and all of our marriage. I don't want someone else to have the emotional side, though I know the OW did/does. There is still this stupid part of me that wants him to choose me. That wants him to have some grand apology and reasoning for everything and be able to put our marriage back together. To be able to having the feelings of wanting him the way I do the other man. Then I feel guilty for ever having those feelings for him and not my husband. Sigh... I don't know.

 

The bolded sentence proves that you have the capacity to be sexual with another man as long as he is loving and respectful. I don't blame you for calling the OW's husband and I'm glad he helped you move. He sounds like a great friend to you which is what you need right now. I could see this developing into a romance after you have healed from your hellish marriage.

 

Good for you for taking steps to end your marriage. It shows strength that you are refusing to tolerate sexual and emotional abuse from your husband. I'm glad that you were able to find a rental so quickly.

 

I hope so. I don't want to right away or anytime soon but I don't want to end up in this situation again or give up. There is this part of me that wants something with him, the logical side of me says no.

 

I got lucky with finding a rental, I'm happy about that. I don't know if I'd be able to go through with it if I had to look and look. I got it over with quickly, signed the papers and now it's done. Here tenants have to give 3 months notice to leave a rental. Some landlords don't list units until they are already available, so I got lucky. I like moving and packing/unpacking/organizing. Right now it's kind of nice and refreshing, I don't think it will be that "nice" when things settle in and I have to see my husband again.

[GunslingerRoland]

It's okay to be a mess. You've been treated horribly and it should be expected to be devastating to be treated like that by anyone, especially your own husband.

 

Try to minimize the amount you have to see your husband. A lot can be handed by third parties, realtors, lawyers, etc without you having to be in the same place as him.

 

Given all that's happened I think you should try to not focus on the other husband. I mean, maybe that could work out some day but it's a whole lot of complications and right now I think you need to simplify things. He is also in a mess of a situation he needs to figure out.

[anna121]

Yes, I should have included in my post that it is *okay* to *not* handle something like this well. In fact, that is almost certain to happen at some point.

[oldshirt]

.

 

I haven't told anyone that we're separating/ We were really close to each other and every time he touched me I got tingly. I kept having feelings/thoughs of wanting him to be closer to me, touch me, kiss me, which I've never had before. With my husband it was more thoughts like "please don't touch me" rather than "please do touch me".

 

This is why I and some of the other posters have stated that we do not think you are as damaged and asexual as you think you are.

 

Very few people are truly asexual and few are so damaged as to be truly incapable of having a healthy love/sex life. It's that they just haven't got with someone they click with yet.

 

Much of what you have said in these threads indicates to me that the issue is more with the dynamics in your marriage with your STBX rather than you being so damaged as to be asexual in general.

 

I think with proper therapy, the right partner and some patience, you can and will be much more sexually responsive than you think you are.

[BettyDraper]

This is why I and some of the other posters have stated that we do not think you are as damaged and asexual as you think you are.

 

Very few people are truly asexual and few are so damaged as to be truly incapable of having a healthy love/sex life. It's that they just haven't got with someone they click with yet.

 

Much of what you have said in these threads indicates to me that the issue is more with the dynamics in your marriage with your STBX rather than you being so damaged as to be asexual in general.

 

I think with proper therapy, the right partner and some patience, you can and will be much more sexually responsive than you think you are.

 

This. JRP, you clearly have the capacity to enjoy sex. You just need to be in a wonderful relationship with a compassionate partner; someone who will treat you with tenderness and care. You also need a sex therapist who specializes in sexual trauma. Of course, sex shouldn't be your main focus just now as you rebuild your life.

 

This is TMI but I'm sharing because it relates to your situation. Before I was with my husband, I was afraid of many sexual acts and I was also very insecure about the smell and taste of my genitals. An ex repeatedly told me that I tasted awful and smelled bad. He was the only man I had been with who said such things but I carried it with me. I also hated certain sexual acts because they reminded me of other sexual trauma. My husband was so patient with my sexual reticence. He kept complimenting my natural smell and taste. He is a respectful and kind lover who knows how to make a woman feel good about herself. The cruel ex always told me that I was frigid but it turns out that I never was. I just didn't enjoy having sex with a rude bully.

[sandylee1]

Great to hear your update and it's good you've found a rental so soon.

 

It was nice of the OWs H to help you with moving stuff. He's actually quite therapeutic and helpful in your healing and it gives you hope for the future. It sounds like he's actually taken the time to know how to move and forewarn you, to keep you at ease. I like much of what you said in relation to this.

 

I know you'd prefer a divorce to an annulment, but fighting on the issue will only cause a delay and if you want it over with asap, then why not let it be an annulment? It doesn't mean you didn't have good times, but as the circumstances qualify. ..let it be.

 

I can just see things getting very ugly if you fight him on it and so much personal stuff will come out.

 

I'm sure your husband has made the assumption you've flown home.

 

Be kind to yourself JRP. I suspect you've spent much of your life doing things to please others. Now you need to think about yourself.

 

Never stop believing you can get what you want out of life.

[Orlan]

I feel like I cheated on my husband, by having the other man here and staying the night. If divorce had never come up, it would be cheating. We're not divorced, it's only been a week... 1 week since divorce came up. And I'm already having another man over, staying the night and not going farther but wanting to...

 

Well technically that is cheating. You have a husband. You haven't even filed for divorce yet and you had another man over, staying the night snuggling with you in the marital bed. You only talked about divorce while you were fighting and ripping each other's heads off. That isn't a real divorce talk. What if he doesn't want to divorce and wants to work on the marriage? How will he feel about you immediately going and getting snuggly with another man? You didn't have sex but you wanted to, what if the OM had initiated sex? Sex or not, bringing another man into the marital bed is cheating.

[BettyDraper]

Well technically that is cheating. You have a husband. You haven't even filed for divorce yet and you had another man over, staying the night snuggling with you in the marital bed. You only talked about divorce while you were fighting and ripping each other's heads off. That isn't a real divorce talk. What if he doesn't want to divorce and wants to work on the marriage? How will he feel about you immediately going and getting snuggly with another man? You didn't have sex but you wanted to, what if the OM had initiated sex? Sex or not, bringing another man into the marital bed is cheating.

 

I don't think you have been paying attention to this thread or else you wouldn't be judging JRP.

 

Why should JRP care about a "husband" who carries on a one sided open marriage despite her concerns, falls in love with the OW, makes vile comments and forces herself on her even though he is aware of her sexual trauma? There's NOTHING left to work on after all of those awful actions.

[Orlan]

I don't think you have been paying attention to this thread or else you wouldn't be judging JRP.

 

Why should JRP care about a "husband" who carries on a one sided open marriage despite her concerns, falls in love with the OW, makes vile comments and forces herself on her even though he is aware of her sexual trauma? There's NOTHING left to work on after all of those awful actions.

 

It was one sided because she agreed to that, he wasn't doing it behind her back. That was the dynamic of their marriage from day 1. Right after they said their vows he could have gone and had sex with another woman, that was their arrangement.

 

He did make vile comments (and yes I've read the thread) but so did she, as she admitted herself. He tried to pull down her pants and stopped when initiated that she wanted him to stop. I seriously doubt he would have raped her. They were both pissed at each other, who's to say he won't want to fix the marriage. She might have put the last nail in the coffin.

 

My opinion.

[stillafool]

I feel the same about my husband, I don't want him to be with anyone else. Which is stupid because he has been with other women for parts of our relationship and all of our marriage. I don't want someone else to have the emotional side, though I know the OW did/does. There is still this stupid part of me that wants him to choose me. That wants him to have some grand apology and reasoning for everything and be able to put our marriage back together. To be able to having the feelings of wanting him the way I do the other man. Then I feel guilty for ever having those feelings for him and not my husband. Sigh... I don't know.

 

This feeling is normal after being rejected. We want the person who rejected us to be sorry for it and to realize they made a mistake and beg us back.

 

I feel it is too soon to enter another relationship until you have healed from your upcoming divorce/annulment. The OM still loves his wife or he would have left by now and if you fall for him you will get hurt. Also he is too close to your husband via his wife and that too will prevent you from healing. You will know what is going on in your husband and his OW's life. Not good. I know right now you want to process this alone but you need your friends and family around you for support. Don't wait to long to notify them about what is going on.

[Orlan]

This feeling is normal after being rejected. We want the person who rejected us to be sorry for it and to realize they made a mistake and beg us back.

 

I feel it is too soon to enter another relationship until you have healed from your upcoming divorce/annulment. The OM still loves his wife or he would have left by now and if you fall for him you will get hurt. Also he is too close to your husband via his wife and that too will prevent you from healing. You will know what is going on in your husband and his OW's life. Not good. I know right now you want to process this alone but you need your friends and family around you for support. Don't wait to long to notify them about what is going on.

 

Based on her posts I have a feeling she just wants sex with him, not a relationship. Or like another poster said, to use him as a sex surrogate. I agree a relationship with him would be bad news, even just sexual. TBH she doesn't seem to make the best relationship decisions. That isn't meant to be mean, just an eye opener. She needs to take a complete break from men until she heals from the annulment.

[JRP]

It's okay to be a mess. You've been treated horribly and it should be expected to be devastating to be treated like that by anyone, especially your own husband.

 

Try to minimize the amount you have to see your husband. A lot can be handed by third parties, realtors, lawyers, etc without you having to be in the same place as him.

 

Given all that's happened I think you should try to not focus on the other husband. I mean, maybe that could work out some day but it's a whole lot of complications and right now I think you need to simplify things. He is also in a mess of a situation he needs to figure out.

 

I do want to try and avoid my husband as much as possible. There shouldn't be many times that I have to see him. My lawyer said even for dividing larger items in the home we can do it through the lawyers and arrange a time when he will be out of the house to collect. I could file a restraining order as well, if I wanted to. I don't think I need to go that far though... Or at least, I don't want to go that far. It's weird, totally giving up someone who I have bene with and married and just getting to the point of hating each other and totally severing that friendship. I don't want to see him walk out of my life... If we had agreed to split earlier, when things were amicable, maybe we could have remained friends.

 

I don't want to put my focus on the OM. I know that it's not a good idea to immediately jump into another relationship. I'm not even divorced yet... Getting involved with him specifically seems like it would be a mess. As long as he is married I'd never want to. Or at least, I'd want to but I wouldn't want to act on that... I want to get away from my husband, not be in his life through another person... The OM (I hate calling him that, but I don't want to use names) said he plans on leaving his wife but has to have everything lined up first to ensure the prenup is followed correctly. She wants his money, that's why she has stuck around. But that didn't come up until after the fight with my husband, so he could just be saying that.. Either way, it's not a good idea I know.

 

This is why I and some of the other posters have stated that we do not think you are as damaged and asexual as you think you are.

 

Very few people are truly asexual and few are so damaged as to be truly incapable of having a healthy love/sex life. It's that they just haven't got with someone they click with yet.

 

Much of what you have said in these threads indicates to me that the issue is more with the dynamics in your marriage with your STBX rather than you being so damaged as to be asexual in general.

 

I think with proper therapy, the right partner and some patience, you can and will be much more sexually responsive than you think you are.

 

I'm starting to realize that more and more. It makes me feel better, but also kind of scares me because I've never felt some of the things that I'm feeling now. These feelings that I should have experienced and learned nearly 10 years ago, I'm just feeling now. I don't want to make a stupid, "teenager-like" mistake because of it. There is this part of me that wants to just do it and get it over with while I feel like I can... A fear that once the anger dies down and the real emotions and reality settle in that I won't want to do it anymore. Right now it feels almost like a giant F you to my husband and that if I could just do it now and get it over with, I wouldn't be worried about it anymore and would be able to do it.

 

If there was something that my husband did to make me not want to have sex with him, I really don't know what it was... For the first year of our relationship he was nothing but patient. It changed after that, but in the beginning I still can't think of a reason why. Other than just needing time and he slowly got worse.

 

I do think it would be a good idea to see a new team of therapists. Get a totally fresh start on everything.

 

This. JRP, you clearly have the capacity to enjoy sex. You just need to be in a wonderful relationship with a compassionate partner; someone who will treat you with tenderness and care. You also need a sex therapist who specializes in sexual trauma. Of course, sex shouldn't be your main focus just now as you rebuild your life.

 

This is TMI but I'm sharing because it relates to your situation. Before I was with my husband, I was afraid of many sexual acts and I was also very insecure about the smell and taste of my genitals. An ex repeatedly told me that I tasted awful and smelled bad. He was the only man I had been with who said such things but I carried it with me. I also hated certain sexual acts because they reminded me of other sexual trauma. My husband was so patient with my sexual reticence. He kept complimenting my natural smell and taste. He is a respectful and kind lover who knows how to make a woman feel good about herself. The cruel ex always told me that I was frigid but it turns out that I never was. I just didn't enjoy having sex with a rude bully.

 

That's a good point. I need to be with someone who knows how to help me feel better about myself and get over the fears that I have. I don't want to put a rush on it. I do have to find someone who is nothing like my husband. It's hard because in the beginning of our relationship I thought he would be that guy. He wanted to be that guy, I think genuinely, but he couldn't. He's not selfless, at all.

 

Great to hear your update and it's good you've found a rental so soon.

 

It was nice of the OWs H to help you with moving stuff. He's actually quite therapeutic and helpful in your healing and it gives you hope for the future. It sounds like he's actually taken the time to know how to move and forewarn you, to keep you at ease. I like much of what you said in relation to this.

 

I know you'd prefer a divorce to an annulment, but fighting on the issue will only cause a delay and if you want it over with asap, then why not let it be an annulment? It doesn't mean you didn't have good times, but as the circumstances qualify. ..let it be.

 

I can just see things getting very ugly if you fight him on it and so much personal stuff will come out.

 

I'm sure your husband has made the assumption you've flown home.

 

Be kind to yourself JRP. I suspect you've spent much of your life doing things to please others. Now you need to think about yourself.

 

Never stop believing you can get what you want out of life.

 

I surprised myself by letting him come over and help me. He was (still is) the only person who knows what is going on in my life right now and I didn't want to be alone. Like you said, he does help a lot. I kind of wish he was just a random guy, wasn't smack dab in the middle of this like I am. He could be forever tainted and that sucks, because he's a really good man. He hasn't said if he would want anything either way, just that he agrees with my opinion on it - that it can't happen.

 

Even if I agree to the annulment it will still take a long time. They take longer than an uncontested divorce. We might go through the whole process and be told it's not an option for our case, then have to file for divorce. My lawyer recommended filing for divorce, both can be done at the same time. My husband could file for both, in case the annulment doesn't go through.

 

You're right, I don't want an annulment. I'd deal with it if it were quicker, but it's not... He should just do an uncontested divorce, I'd give him that. It's cheaper and faster. He just wants the marriage to *poof*. I don't want to fight with him again. I don't think I could handle another fight like that. It's still constantly playing through my head and the things he said are going to eat away at me for a long time. He downplayed me getting raped and almost said that it didn't happen, that I wanted it and was too [promiscuous]. Things like that, I can't deal with him saying... Even from a random person I can't deal with it, but from the man who loved me enough to marry me... No.

 

Well technically that is cheating. You have a husband. You haven't even filed for divorce yet and you had another man over, staying the night snuggling with you in the marital bed. You only talked about divorce while you were fighting and ripping each other's heads off. That isn't a real divorce talk. What if he doesn't want to divorce and wants to work on the marriage? How will he feel about you immediately going and getting snuggly with another man? You didn't have sex but you wanted to, what if the OM had initiated sex? Sex or not, bringing another man into the marital bed is cheating.

 

I don't disagree that it wasn't the best thing to do, but it wasn't the worst either... I know that two wrongs don't make a right. He fell in love with another woman and refused to stop seeing her, that's more of an affair than an open marriage... I agreed to an open married, just sex, not a full on relationship with another woman... And it wasn't in our bed, it was on the couch. Which I understand isn't that much different. I've already said that I feel badly about it... It was sitting and sleeping next to each other, nothing else. He wouldn't try and have sex, not only can he not but he knows not to...

 

It was one sided because she agreed to that, he wasn't doing it behind her back. That was the dynamic of their marriage from day 1. Right after they said their vows he could have gone and had sex with another woman, that was their arrangement.

 

He did make vile comments (and yes I've read the thread) but so did she, as she admitted herself. He tried to pull down her pants and stopped when initiated that she wanted him to stop. I seriously doubt he would have raped her. They were both pissed at each other, who's to say he won't want to fix the marriage. She might have put the last nail in the coffin.

 

My opinion.

 

The only reason penetration didn't happen was because he couldn't get an erection. He wanted to. He would have if he could have. It's ironic because he was making fun of the OM while he was doing it but couldn't get it up himself.

 

I understand where your opinion is coming from but it seems a bit hurtful. I know that it was wrong because I feel badly about it. I know that on the miraculous chance that we decided to reconcile it would be an issue, but that seems like a very low possibility...

 

Based on her posts I have a feeling she just wants sex with him, not a relationship. Or like another poster said, to use him as a sex surrogate. I agree a relationship with him would be bad news, even just sexual. TBH she doesn't seem to make the best relationship decisions. That isn't meant to be mean, just an eye opener. She needs to take a complete break from men until she heals from the annulment.

 

I don't want to use him for anything... I know that I made a bad relationship decision before, and many within that relationship, but I'm trying here... I know that nothing can/should happen between me and him and I've said that I don't want to jump from relationship to relationship.

[oldshirt]

 

 

 

 

 

It makes me feel better, but also kind of scares me because I've never felt some of the things that I'm feeling now. These feelings that I should have experienced and learned nearly 10 years ago, I'm just feeling now. I don't want to make a stupid, "teenager-like" mistake because of it.

 

Oh jeez, I've known people that didn't have any kind of "feelings" until they were in their 40s. You get that rush when someone flips your right switches and pushes your right buttons. For some that is when they are 15, for others when they are 25 and others when they are 40 and beyond. It happens when it happens and trust me, it has no less impact when you are 50 than when you were 20.

 

I don't think for a second that you and everyone else won't make mistakes even though they may be way past the lovely teenage years. I'm almost 53 and I still do and say dumb things under the influence of love and horniness and I can't wait to make some more! LOL

 

It's called living and being alive.

 

Only way to not make teenager mistakes is to lock yourself in the attic and never come out, and that would end up being the biggest mistake of all.

 

Never let fear stop you from doing what you need to do.

[Orlan]

The OM (I hate calling him that, but I don't want to use names)

 

 

 

There is this part of me that wants to just do it and get it over with while I feel like I can... A fear that once the anger dies down and the real emotions and reality settle in that I won't want to do it anymore. Right now it feels almost like a giant F you to my husband and that if I could just do it now and get it over with, I wouldn't be worried about it anymore and would be able to do it.

 

 

 

 

The only reason penetration didn't happen was because he couldn't get an erection. He wanted to. He would have if he could have. It's ironic because he was making fun of the OM while he was doing it but couldn't get it up himself.

 

I understand where your opinion is coming from but it seems a bit hurtful. I know that it was wrong because I feel badly about it. I know that on the miraculous chance that we decided to reconcile it would be an issue, but that seems like a very low possibility...

 

I don't want to use him for anything... I know that I made a bad relationship decision before, and many within that relationship, but I'm trying here... I know that nothing can/should happen between me and him and I've said that I don't want to jump from relationship to relationship.

 

So did you or are you pressing charges against your husband then?

 

You have let the OW'sH name slip at least once in this thread. You can always change names if you don't want to call him the OM. It's clear from your posts that you are into him, of course you don't want to think of him as someone else's husband. He is, though. The husband to the woman your husband is screwing.

 

There is nothing wrong with having sex with a man you are not in a relationship with. You just cannot get attached to him, especially if he is married. I have a feeling you would get attached, I'd bet you already are. If you want to just have sex with him, then have sex before you talk yourself out of it. You do have to decide if you are ok having sex with a married man, while being married yourself.

 

And yes, he wants to have sex with you. It doesn't matter that he can't get hard, there are more types of sex and more ways for penetration to occur. If he didn't want to have sex with you he wouldn't be acting the way he is towards you or staying the night cuddling with you. Friends don't cuddle like that all night. If you want him then go for it, just don't get attached or hurt. He isn't going to leave his wife.

[sandylee1]

Well technically that is cheating. You have a husband. You haven't even filed for divorce yet and you had another man over, staying the night snuggling with you in the marital bed. You only talked about divorce while you were fighting and ripping each other's heads off. That isn't a real divorce talk. What if he doesn't want to divorce and wants to work on the marriage? How will he feel about you immediately going and getting snuggly with another man? You didn't have sex but you wanted to, what if the OM had initiated sex? Sex or not, bringing another man into the marital bed is cheating.

 

Wow! Just wow!

 

The open marriage was meant to be sex only and he went against that and lied about it... I so he did cheat.

 

Amazing that you only decide to post in order to have a go (after everything the OP has been through)on this forum designed for support and advice.

 

You somehow also seem to minimise the severity of his actions in pulling her pants down while sitting up in the ivory tower.

 

UNBELIEVABLE

[sandylee1]

JRP, so your husband went as far as that, to the point of just not being able to get an erection? I feared it was bad, but I didn't think he went that far.

 

No wonder you were shaken by it. You seem conflicted which is understandable, but one thing for sure is that so much damage has been done and it's irreparable.

 

No matter how much you love /loved him, it couldn't really have worked out, because he was unable and unwilling to go without sex. Which is his right.

 

Sexless marriages do exist, but they'll only be happily married if both parties aren't interested in having sex with each other.

 

Reconciliation when nothing has changed, doesn't make any sense whatsoever. It would just cause you further anxiety and distress.

[stillafool]

When are you moving to your new apartment and who will help you move?

[JRP]

So did you or are you pressing charges against your husband then?

 

You have let the OW'sH name slip at least once in this thread. You can always change names if you don't want to call him the OM. It's clear from your posts that you are into him, of course you don't want to think of him as someone else's husband. He is, though. The husband to the woman your husband is screwing.

 

There is nothing wrong with having sex with a man you are not in a relationship with. You just cannot get attached to him, especially if he is married. I have a feeling you would get attached, I'd bet you already are. If you want to just have sex with him, then have sex before you talk yourself out of it. You do have to decide if you are ok having sex with a married man, while being married yourself.

 

And yes, he wants to have sex with you. It doesn't matter that he can't get hard, there are more types of sex and more ways for penetration to occur. If he didn't want to have sex with you he wouldn't be acting the way he is towards you or staying the night cuddling with you. Friends don't cuddle like that all night. If you want him then go for it, just don't get attached or hurt. He isn't going to leave his wife.

 

No, I'm not pressing charges. I'm trying to forget about it, not keep bringing it up over and over. That's my husband, he is supposed to love me and care about me, not try and hurt me when he's mad. I can't be someone who was raped by a boyfriend, his siblings/friend AND my husband. I need to have more faith in humanity and my ability to choose a man than that would allow me. So no, I'm not and I'm convincing myself that it wasn't a big deal.

 

I don't like calling him the OM or OW's H, but I need to keep myself in reality. He is married and until he isn't he will always be that. I'm not going to go from a d-bag husband to being the OW, regardless of how terrible his wife is. Yes, I feel bad for having her husband here. I'm not a horrible person... I don't want someone to feel the way I do, and me to be the cause of that. If I written his name accidentally I don't remember but I guess you know it.

 

He can be a friend to me without expecting sex or having sex... If we want to get technical his marriage is open on both sides, unlike mine. As far as his wife is concerned it wouldn't be cheating. Still, nothing is going to happen...

 

JRP, so your husband went as far as that, to the point of just not being able to get an erection? I feared it was bad, but I didn't think he went that far.

 

No wonder you were shaken by it. You seem conflicted which is understandable, but one thing for sure is that so much damage has been done and it's irreparable.

 

No matter how much you love /loved him, it couldn't really have worked out, because he was unable and unwilling to go without sex. Which is his right.

 

Sexless marriages do exist, but they'll only be happily married if both parties aren't interested in having sex with each other.

 

Reconciliation when nothing has changed, doesn't make any sense whatsoever. It would just cause you further anxiety and distress.

 

He couldn't get an erection and he blamed me for it. He said I wasn't good and was unattractive. If he was able to get an erection then penetration would have happened, probably. Maybe he would have realized to stop. He said this had gone on long enough and it was time to get over it. And that I needed a "crash course". When he tried to pull my pants down I hit his hand away and he grabbed it and held my hand on his penis and moved my hand so I was rubbing him and said "There, is that so f***ing hard. Now take off your pants and get the rest of it over with." He couldn't get an erection and said it was because I suck and "at least it's practise for when you blow (OW's H). If he'll even touch you now." He stopped, I didn't make him stop or do anything "brave". As soon as my hand touched him I froze. And that's all I'm saying on it....

 

I think part of why I'm conflicted-ish is because I'm telling myself what he did (^) wasn't a big deal and that I wanted to do it.

 

When are you moving to your new apartment and who will help you move?

 

I have started moving things over, my clothes and things like that. I found an apartment that was available now. They wanted to wait until the 1st but I said I needed to go now and I think they understood that. The OW's husband helped me move a couple heavier things. When my husband and I figure out who gets what furniture I'll have a couple friends help me, or maybe just hire a company to do it. I'm going to be living there before Friday, when my husband comes home...

[Orlan]

Wow! Just wow!

 

The open marriage was meant to be sex only and he went against that and lied about it... I so he did cheat.

 

Amazing that you only decide to post in order to have a go (after everything the OP has been through)on this forum designed for support and advice.

 

You somehow also seem to minimise the severity of his actions in pulling her pants down while sitting up in the ivory tower.

 

UNBELIEVABLE

 

I didn't post here with the intention of offending anyone. I may have offended you, but I don't think I offended the OP. I gave her a different perspective than all of you are giving her, that bringing another man into your bed while you are married is cheating. Which is something she mentioned over and over and she agreed that it's cheating. Yes, he did cheat and so did she. I believe she said two wrongs don't make a right. That is absolutely true.

 

If she wants to bring another man into her bed and/or have sex with him than good for her, but don't try to minimize what is going on.

[Orlan]

No, I'm not pressing charges.

 

What if he does it to another woman? You have the choice to put an end to it right now or let the cycle continue. K, there was no actual sex involved but touching against your wishes is still sexual assault or attempted rape. He doesn't have to put his dick in you for it to be assault. Whether you are married or not doesn't change the legality of it in civilized countries. You said the men who raped you were in jail for a while? What makes them any different than your husband, other than the fact that you are married? What makes your husband more worthy of a free pass when he did the exact same thing? Something to think about.

 

Does the OM know about this?

[JRP]

What if he does it to another woman? You have the choice to put an end to it right now or let the cycle continue. K, there was no actual sex involved but touching against your wishes is still sexual assault or attempted rape. He doesn't have to put his dick in you for it to be assault. Whether you are married or not doesn't change the legality of it in civilized countries. You said the men who raped you were in jail for a while? What makes them any different than your husband, other than the fact that you are married? What makes your husband more worthy of a free pass when he did the exact same thing? Something to think about.

 

Does the OM know about this?

 

It's my decision and it's not up for discussion right now. And god no, he doesn't know what happened. No one (other than people here) know. That's how I plan to leave it.

[stillafool]

JRP, I really feel for you and can understand why you are moving out. What your husband said to you was horrible. Words hurt and some words are unforgivable coupled with what he did physically to you. Also the fact that he isn't even concerned enough about your well being to check to make sure you are safe when in a foreign country. Unbelievable! He certainly didn't have a problem checking in with her while out to dinner with you.

 

I hardly think the OM sleeping next to you all night on a couch is cheating. Give me a break. You have done nothing wrong considering the circumstances.