I'm having trouble with our open marriage

[BaileyB]

Rest assured that if you go back to him, your marriage will continue down the destructive path except now there is the trauma of attempted rape. Please don't go back to your husband, JRP.

 

Requoted only because, I would like you to read this again JRP.

 

Do you hear what we are saying? Please slow things down, take some time to be alone, gather your strength and find some support. The answers can only be found within you, not in another emotionally unhealthy relationship.

Edited February 20, 2017 by BaileyB

[oldshirt]

I think you should get an old VW van, pack a few clothes, books and knickknacks in it and hit the road.

 

Maybe some time living in a van in the mountains, in the desert, on the beach etc would help clear your mind and unburden your soul. At the very least it will get you away from this slow-motion trainwreck.

Edited February 21, 2017 by oldshirt

[oldshirt]

I think you should get an old VW van, pack a few clothes, books and knickknacks in it and hit the road.

 

.

 

...and maybe a cat.

 

 

 

...a female cat.

[JRP]

I have been to that resort before but it wasn't a memorable place with my husband. If it was an important place to us I wouldn't have gone. We went once together and it wasn't a fun time at all. It was for a wedding and he was in a bad mood the entire time. He stayed in the room the whole time and we slept in separate beds.

 

I can't decide if I regret going or not. It caused a clusterf*ck of confusion for me. It also made me want to take a step back that might not have happened otherwise.

 

Texting my husband was a stupid mistake. I wish I had never done that, I'll probably have to tell my lawyer about it this week since he said not to contact him ever. It cracked open a door that I need to stay closed. I thought it would be easy (or easier) to end our marriage because of how it ended. How it ended replays through my mind and it scares me but I still want to just go home. I hate and miss him at the same time. I just want to throw all my electronics out and shut the world out so I can't make more stupid mistakes.

 

I don't want another man in my life right now. I can't deal with it. It's making everything else complicated and I can't process it all. That's my fault for foregoing advice. The OM, or Owen since I keep slipping his name apparently, said he was understanding of me not being ready. My marriage just exploded, his has been over for years. He's always said that we can go as slow as I need to. I told him today that I need to take a step back and be alone. I can't have him around for a while. He understood. He wasn't like 'Yes, that's awesome!" but he wasn't mad about it. Maybe a bit bummed because he likes spending time with me. He said he's there if/when I want to talk to him or see him. He was concerned that he did something wrong, he didn't it was all on me. Writing that makes me start to miss him. I don't think he's using me...

 

A problem with me is that my mood can change fairly quickly. For example on Friday night I miserable and crying myself to sleep over my husband, and when I woke up in the morning those feelings where almost entirely gone. My puffy eyes were almost all that was left. They way I'm feeling right now, which is just wanting to be alone, isolated, could be totally gone in the morning. I have been like that as long as I can remember. If I don't like how I'm feeling sleep is like a reset button. Even if I want to stay mad or sulk in my misery, I can't always maintain those feelings.

 

I booked a therapy appointment for this week and I'll go from there. I've been in therapy for a long time, though recently took a short break because of travel and starting to give up. I asked for a referral to someone new.

 

I hate that I'm even entertaining the idea of staying with my husband. Everything he said was most likely BS but I keep replaying "what if's" in my head. 'All' I had to do was have sex with him and our marriage would have been okay. Maybe it still could be if I was able to. And maybe he'd be more willing to try. If I can entertain the idea of doing it with someone else I should be able to do with him. But that involves touching him. When we got into our big fight he terrified me. I still struggle with it. The thought of him touching me again makes me nauseous. I just want all the conflicting thoughts and feelings to stop.

 

I don't think OM is as in as you think he is either. He needs the touch of a woman and a woman who is functioning healthy regards to sex would not want him so you are a good solution.

 

What did you mean by this?

[BaileyB]

I'm very proud of you JRP.

 

I'm glad that you have decided to take a step back and spend some time alone. It makes things much less complicated and allows you to focus on yourself, which is something you need to do right now. And, I'm very glad to hear that you are going back to counselling. I wish you all the best!

[oldshirt]

 

What did you mean by this?

 

I'm not speaking for Stillafool, but to me it says that you are two damaged and dysfunctional people that are being drawn to each other by your dysfunctions.

 

Your dysfunctions are making each other comfortable and less threatening.

 

The problem with that is this whole situation is a big powder keg and a big vat of toxic waste all tied together waiting to blow up and spew toxic sludge all over all of you.

 

Instead of hooking up with another dysfunctional train wreck, your top priority needs to be to save yourself, get away from toxic manipulative people and get yourself fixed up into a self-determining, functional person, rather than getting deeper with someone who is latching onto you because your dysfunction benefits theirs.

[oldshirt]

 

I keep replaying "what if's" in my head. 'All' I had to do was have sex with him and our marriage would have been okay. Maybe it still could be if I was able to. And maybe he'd be more willing to try. If I can entertain the idea of doing it with someone else I should be able to do with him. But that involves touching him.

 

 

No it wouldn't be ok.

 

Your husband is the problem.

 

What I and a number of other posters have been trying to tell you since early in the thread is you are not as dysfunctional sexually as you think you are.

 

The issue is probably not that you are so messed up sexually but rather that you are not sexually attracted to and comfortable with your husband. It's him.

 

I don't want to speak for the ladies here on Love Shack, but I would be willing to bet the farm that not a single one of them would touch him with a ten foot pole either if he had said and done to them what he has to you.

 

You and your H do not click, are not compatible and do not mesh right. There are millions of people that do not click together and should not be together. That does not mean that any of them are total failures as human beings - it just means that they are human.

 

Get away from all of these soul-sucking vampires, let the dust settle, clear your head, let your heart heal and learn to take care of yourself and stand up for yourself and you'll be fine.

[elaine567]

 

I don't want to speak for the ladies here on Love Shack, but I would be willing to bet the farm that not a single one of them would touch him with a ten foot pole either if he had said and done to them what he has to you.

 

 

Feel entirely free to speak for us, I would bet the farm too.

[BaileyB]

Feel entirely free to speak for us, I would bet the farm too.

 

Absolutely. What your husband has done is not ok. The OW would be welcome to have him... I would pack his bags.

[stillafool]

What did you mean by this?

 

I'm not speaking for Stillafool, but to me it says that you are two damaged and dysfunctional people that are being drawn to each other by your dysfunctions.

 

Your dysfunctions are making each other comfortable and less threatening.

 

The problem with that is this whole situation is a big powder keg and a big vat of toxic waste all tied together waiting to blow up and spew toxic sludge all over all of you.

 

Instead of hooking up with another dysfunctional train wreck, your top priority needs to be to save yourself, get away from toxic manipulative people and get yourself fixed up into a self-determining, functional person, rather than getting deeper with someone who is latching onto you because your dysfunction benefits theirs.

 

I really couldn't have said this better than Oldshirt did above. You are both using each other at this point. If OMs marriage has been dead for years why hasn't he left? He knows he cannot give his wife what she needs which is sex and yes they may have assets to split but most people who divorce do; so that is really not an excuse. He loves that woman and like you feel about your husband, he still does. I don't remember in your previous posts MM saying he was going to divorce so what changed his mind? I also think he, like you, sort of used this weekend getaway to incite jealousy in his wife. How did your husband find you? You have a new apartment and from what you told us he would not be able to contact you. What happened?

[ShatteredLady]

Speaking for myself....

 

When you are 'broken' in any way. When you have been told that you're broken. It's incredibly hard to imagine ANYONE wanting you.

 

Many people stay miserable with awful partners because of this fear.

 

I can't imagine being broken like Owen & easily divorcing.

[sandylee1]

JRP,

 

Whatever you do, don't get back with your husband. Nothing will change and it will get even worse.

 

He won't stop having sex with the OW, he'll just hide it and get a second phone. He'll lie like he did when he went to the movies with her.

 

You don't know what he's planning for you. He and the OW have been cosying up all this time and you cannot trust him for a minute.

 

Tell your lawyer and don't agree to mediation and don't contact him again.

 

From memory....

*He said he'd give your rings to a real woman.

*He said you were only good as a maid/cook and not even good at that.

* said you're half the woman she is.

 

There's no coming back from that and his apology is just to lull you into a false sense of security. For your mental wellbeing, don't go there.

 

If he was the last man on earth, after what he said, I'd rather stay single till my dying day.

 

You will never recover from your trauma and you will have a very miserable life if you get back with him.

 

Remember him telling his friend, he regrets marrying you?

 

Why does he want you back, when it's as clear as day it won't work? In the very slightest of chances it would have worked, it can't after the showdown in Amsterdam.

 

This is your life, but if you'd listened to people here back in 2012 (when your husband, then BF dumped you to have sex with someone and came back) you'd be in a very different place now.

[stillafool]

JRP,

 

W

 

From memory....

*He said he'd give your rings to a real woman.

*He said you were only good as a maid/cook and not even good at that.

* said you're half the woman she is.

 

There's no coming back from that and his apology is just to lull you into a false sense of security. For your mental wellbeing, don't go there.

 

If he was the last man on earth, after what he said, I'd rather stay single till my dying day.

 

You will never recover from your trauma and you will have a very miserable life if you get back with him.

 

Remember him telling his friend, he regrets marrying you?

 

Why does he want you back, when it's as clear as day it won't work? In the very slightest of chances it would have worked, it can't after the showdown in Amsterdam.

 

This is your life, but if you'd listened to people here back in 2012 (when your husband, then BF dumped you to have sex with someone and came back) you'd be in a very different place now.

 

And, to add:

 

-The OW was on his mind so much that he had to call her while out to dinner with you.

 

-He called OW when you two were on vacation to pay her way to come there (even though she had to work) but never even checked to make sure you were okay when you went missing.

 

-He said previously he wouldn't stop seeing her when you asked him to and he won't now. They will take their affair underground if you go back and make their plans against you and Owen.

[ShatteredLady]

Jealousy is an incredibly strong motivator for narcissistic people. If your husband has always been this kind of person or not, his relationship with the OW & your battle for him has certainly done a number on him.

 

Your issues HAVE NOT changed at all....your husband has simply realized that you won't be completely alone or under his control anymore.

[sandylee1]

 

Your issues HAVE NOT changed at all....your husband has simply realized that you won't be completely alone or under his control anymore.

 

 

Couldn't agree more. He thought he could trample all over you, but his doormat has woken up and isn't having it anymore ......please don't fall back asleep and allow yourself to take more mental and emotional abuse.

[sandylee1]

Did your husband say he didn't send the messages and also that the OW didn't send them?

 

On Sunday, I started getting texts from a random number. Must be either my husband or the OM’s wife, but my husband said it’s not. The texts have been things like “he’s still intimate with his wife”, “he’s never going to leave his wife, he’s just playing you”, “we had sex before he went to see you”, “he’s lying about his injury”, “he’s just after your youth, when he’s had his fun he’ll drop you like the last one”, “you aren’t the first and you won’t be the last, he plays young girls all the time”, “he’s raped before he can do it again”. I know it is lies but it still makes me second guess everything, including myself.

 

Some of it confuses me. If he was lying about his injury, what is stopping him having sex?

 

Allegations of him being a rapist? I initially thought it was the OW, but with the content, I think it's your husband. He's trying to scare you into going back to him, by attacking Owen's character. That's very low.

 

I suggest you buy a cheap phone and tell your STBXH you've changed your number if be needs to contact you. Shut your old phone don't leave your voice on the voicemail recording. Check for messages before you go to bed at night and don't answer any calls from it.

 

Of course your H is going to deny it, but it's between him or the OW and my money's on him. The OW doesn't care who her husband is with, but your husband does care.

 

He's ego is dented and he'd prefer you were alone for life, because he could say it's you and not him.

[BaileyB]

Absolutely. He never thought he'd see the day that you would gather your courage and leave him. His ego is bruised and he's upset. I too would suspect that your husband sent the texts, he's using fear and intimidation (as he did during your marriage and during the attempted rape) in an attempt to get you to do what he wants you to do. If this is him, this is not a nice guy.

 

A bruised ego and the jealousy of competition will make a man do crazy things.

 

And if I may say, another example of how complicated and messed up this whole situation is for you... So unhealthy for your own mental health and healing.

[Southern Sun]

Oh, JRP. I am just now catching up on your thread, but what a brutal situation. I'm sorry.

 

Obviously we are just people on an internet forum, but from this side of the screen, I would hazard a guess that your H has some serious issues.

 

It looks very strange that a healthy young man would knowingly choose a wife with whom he will never have sex, nor create children (not insulting you AT ALL), without some sort of alternate plan for both of your mental and physical health. I would bet there was something else at play there. And now seeing the abusive situation that transpired, we KNOW something else was at play.

 

It seems to me that you were chosen very specifically because of his need to be more powerful and in control. He can LOOK like a martyr or a good guy in your case, like he chose to be married even though he wasn't going to be able to have his physical needs met within the marriage. I imagine he's had you convinced of that for a long time. But let's look very carefully at who the victim is here. It's not your H.

 

Your H essentially had a wife locked in. He had all the trappings of marriage, having a wife, a home, someone to care for him, etc. He had someone under his thumb (whether it felt that way to you or not) - someone who he was probably blithely confident would never leave him for another man. I mean, why would she? Meanwhile, HE was able to go and have sex as he pleased with basically whomever he liked. YOU were unable to get any of your needs met with anyone else. He seemed agreeable enough with you as long as you kept quiet. I can just imagine him somehow convincing you that you were getting an amazing deal, because you seemed to believe that no one would want you. I know you said he was good to you and you had "terms", etc. But I'm betting you didn't rock the boat very much.

 

I would imagine your stomach churned with anxiety much of the time.

 

It wasn't until you essentially confronted him that his rage really came out. And now that everything has calmed down and you have left him, suddenly he is sweet again. He needs to get you back under his control. Others have said this already, but have NO DOUBT that if you go back to him, things will be not only like they were before...but will get progressively worse.

 

I think you actually have the ability to get away from him, considering the amazing progress you've made. There are women who spend most of their lives with men like this. You haven't yet. You still have so much ahead of you. What he wants and needs is to know that he's powerful and that you are under his control. He will do and say all the right things to try to get you back there. I really hope you see him for what he is. It will be hard...but please try.

[Scarlett94]

Just remember one thing honey. If your husband had been able to get an erection, he would have raped you.

Please, do not go back to him.

[dpass]

Of course your husband is trying to get you back. Who else is going to fold his laundry and cook his meals? Sure as sh*t won't be the OW, she only cares about sex.

 

Many, many abused women go back to their abusive partners/spouses. I believe the statistic is 7 times. On average a woman will LEAVE, and GO BACK 7 times before staying away. So will it be surprising if you go back to him, nah not really. Should you? No.

 

If you go back to him expect to get raped. He tried, he failed, that doesn't mean he won't try again.

[oldshirt]

Of course your husband is trying to get you back. Who else is going to fold his laundry and cook his meals? Sure as sh*t won't be the OW, she only cares about sex.

 

Many, many abused women go back to their abusive partners/spouses. I believe the statistic is 7 times. On average a woman will LEAVE, and GO BACK 7 times before staying away. So will it be surprising if you go back to him, nah not really. Should you? No.

 

If you go back to him expect to get raped. He tried, he failed, that doesn't mean he won't try again.

 

I don't know what the actual statistics are, but yes, the context is true.

 

If you go back, he may act all nicey-nice at first but now he will have a real ax to grind and will be real mad and real exasperated.

 

He will also assume that you have got down with the OM to one degree or another so he will be even more determined and more forceful to screw you.

 

He likely held back and backed down at some point during his first attack and he may not have completed the rape.

 

He will likely not flinch next time.