I'm having trouble with our open marriage

[anna121]

This is not an open marriage it is an open affair.

 

 

The OW's BH is not happy. He is being left crumbs, no more likely just a

crumb. Like a live in house maid.

Hell the OWH is no longer talking to OM/his ex best friend. He just

sits home, watches his WW go out the door to be pounded by his

ex-best friend.

 

 

The OP's WH is using his BW as a live in house maid.

 

 

The way both couples are living is not a marriage. Rather room mates.

 

 

 

Where are you getting this? That they were ex best friends, and that OP is a slave to housework?

[sandylee1]

Mumbles,

 

You seem to be misunderstanding this point regarding the open marriage.

 

Yes, sure, I get it. But the reality of the situation is that you both have agreed to be open right?

 

Wrong.

 

Or did you actually only agree to -him- seeing other women?

 

You've got it.

 

There would not be any need to have an open marriage if the OP could have sex. So being open on her side is not in the mix.

 

It's only open so he can get his sexual needs met, and so all the talk about it being open for her isn't a factor.

 

That's what Elaine was telling you and you made out that you understood what 'open' and means in this case.

 

Your open marriage is very different and for the OPs purposes, it's not really relevant, because if she could have sex, and there would be no need for this thread.

 

The marriage wouldn't be open

[sandylee1]

Your husband is contradicting himself a bit. On the one hand, he says it's only sex for him, but on the other hand, he won't use escorts because he needs the emotion that comes with sex.

 

I'm not saying he should use escorts. I do agree with his point of not wanting to support that industry and let's face it, but I he's a good looking guy, so why should he need to pay for sex.

 

Even if he's not getting attached to the OW, and she's very likely getting more emotionally attached to him. It's more difficult for women to separate the two.

 

This OW might decide she's getting too attached and ends it because she wants more, and which (we think), he won't give her.

 

Then he has to find another OW and if the same happens or you feel uncomfortable with her, the cycle repeats.

 

Sooner or later he's going to get fed up and realise he wants more out of life, than having to find a new sex partner every so often.

 

It's such a sad situation and 2 years wasn't nearly enough for the damage they've done. It's truly heartbreaking and my heart goes out to you.

 

In the best way you can, you need to be strong enough to cope, and should your husband decide he can't do this anymore.

 

You love him so much, but my fear would be that years down the line, he feels angry with himself for staying and resentful towards you, when he sees his friends becoming fathers and grandfathers.

 

It seems you both thought it would improve and had he known that there wouldn't be a change in this time, but he may well have taken a different course.

 

He loves you and he's scared of looking you, but he's probably also scared to leave you. Fearing that you won't cope and not wanting to abandon you.

 

This is your marriage, but I would want to protect myself from the inevitable pain further down and let him go, and while age is on everybody's side and he can fulfill the dream of being a dad, that he's now suppressed.

 

Sometimes you have to let the people you love go.

 

It also allows you to not be anxious and fearful that one day, he won't come back.

 

Or that he'll return and deliver the news that he wants out. It's like waiting to hear your name on death row. The anxiety must be a killer for you.

[JRP]

This is not an open marriage it is an open affair.

 

I found your post to be quite rude, and I understand that everyone has a different opinion on open-marriages.

 

Neither me nor the OW's husband are being treated like live-in house maids. Outside of the bedroom we have everything that a normal marriage has. We don't live as roommates. Our marriages are not "shams". If there were no love or emotion involved, both of our spouses would have walked out the door years ago.

 

My husband didn't know the OW or her husband before this started. They were never friends. The OW's husband has been unable to have sex for 10 years for him and his wife it was either this or divorce. Is he happy? No, but neither am I, neither is my husband and neither is his wife. It's making the best out of a crappy situation.

 

You love him so much, but my fear would be that years down the line, he feels angry with himself for staying and resentful towards you, when he sees his friends becoming fathers and grandfathers.

 

It seems you both thought it would improve and had he known that there wouldn't be a change in this time, but he may well have taken a different course.

 

He loves you and he's scared of looking you, but he's probably also scared to leave you. Fearing that you won't cope and not wanting to abandon you.

 

Sometimes you have to let the people you love go.

 

Currently, only one of his friends has kids. A few are getting married this year, but the rest are single. I do fear that when everyone around us starts having families he is going to start having regrets. Right now there is no constant reminder of what he's missing. I know that he wanted kids, and I feel horrible for knowing that and taking it away. He's amazing with friends/families kids and everyone says how good of a dad he'll be.

 

I know that if he really wanted kids with me he'd be open to AI or IVF. AI would most likely be enough to get me pregnant, since there are no known reproductive issues. The way I see it, he doesn't want kids with me because he doesn't see a future with me if things stay the same.

 

For the first part of our relationship he said he could deal with the sexless relationship for 3 years, he thought. It's been almost 6. I already got double what he "signed up for". Maybe it's time for me to bow out and let him find someone better. I know that I'm not good enough for him, he's settling - and giving up a lot.

 

I don't want to be the person that holds him back in life. He only gets one. It makes me feel selfish. He only gets one life he should get to find someone who can give him everything. But I also only get one life and I feel like he's my only chance at being with someone. Him falling for me was a fluke.

 

Just before Christmas I overheard him talking to a very close friend of his. He said if he could back and and do it again, he wouldn't. He should be with someone who he'd go back and do it over with again and again and again.

[WomenWubber]

Do you have any friends OP? What about your immediate family?

[BettyDraper]

I found your post to be quite rude, and I understand that everyone has a different opinion on open-marriages.

 

Neither me nor the OW's husband are being treated like live-in house maids. Outside of the bedroom we have everything that a normal marriage has. We don't live as roommates. Our marriages are not "shams". If there were no love or emotion involved, both of our spouses would have walked out the door years ago.

 

My husband didn't know the OW or her husband before this started. They were never friends. The OW's husband has been unable to have sex for 10 years for him and his wife it was either this or divorce. Is he happy? No, but neither am I, neither is my husband and neither is his wife. It's making the best out of a crappy situation.

 

 

 

Currently, only one of his friends has kids. A few are getting married this year, but the rest are single. I do fear that when everyone around us starts having families he is going to start having regrets. Right now there is no constant reminder of what he's missing. I know that he wanted kids, and I feel horrible for knowing that and taking it away. He's amazing with friends/families kids and everyone says how good of a dad he'll be.

 

I know that if he really wanted kids with me he'd be open to AI or IVF. AI would most likely be enough to get me pregnant, since there are no known reproductive issues. The way I see it, he doesn't want kids with me because he doesn't see a future with me if things stay the same.

 

For the first part of our relationship he said he could deal with the sexless relationship for 3 years, he thought. It's been almost 6. I already got double what he "signed up for". Maybe it's time for me to bow out and let him find someone better. I know that I'm not good enough for him, he's settling - and giving up a lot.

 

I don't want to be the person that holds him back in life. He only gets one. It makes me feel selfish. He only gets one life he should get to find someone who can give him everything. But I also only get one life and I feel like he's my only chance at being with someone. Him falling for me was a fluke.

 

Just before Christmas I overheard him talking to a very close friend of his. He said if he could back and and do it again, he wouldn't. He should be with someone who he'd go back and do it over with again and again and again.

 

Just because you love someone, it doesn't mean that the two of you should be together. Neither of you are getting what you need out of this marriage. Your husband wants a sex life and children. For understandable reasons, you cannot enjoy sex with him and of course it hurts you to see your husband get involved with someone else. *hug* My heart breaks for you.

 

I don't think it makes sense to stay together. I know how hard it is to face the prospect of being single and the grief of a divorce....however, I don't think this situation is healthy for you either. Since you say that you don't want to hold back your husband in life, it would be best to let him go with love.

[anna121]

I am really sorry for your situation, OP. I think you have a pretty clear-eyed view of things.

 

I encourage you to let your H know that the (level of) contact with the OW is hurting you, as I think it is doing damage to your already fragile relationship. It will then be up to him to decide how to respond knowing the depth of your pain.

[anna121]

(sorry - too late to edit my most recent post)

 

OP - how is the rest of your life? Do you work? Volunteer?

 

What, aside from your marriage, gives you a sense of happiness and fulfillment?

[JRP]

Do you have any friends OP? What about your immediate family?

 

I do have close friends. My family is around, though I'm not close with them.

 

Just because you love someone, it doesn't mean that the two of you should be together. Neither of you are getting what you need out of this marriage. Your husband wants a sex life and children. For understandable reasons, you cannot enjoy sex with him and of course it hurts you to see your husband get involved with someone else. *hug* My heart breaks for you.

 

I don't think it makes sense to stay together. I know how hard it is to face the prospect of being single and the grief of a divorce....however, I don't think this situation is healthy for you either. Since you say that you don't want to hold back your husband in life, it would be best to let him go with love.

 

Yeah, I think that's starting to settle in... I know that I'm not right for him. He's not a bad guy, I know that he feels bad about it and he'd feel bad leaving me. He shouldn't have to feel forced to be with me. I love him and I want him to be happy. I know that I will never make him as happy as someone else could. It's my fault for even trying in the first place. I should have known better and just left him alone.

 

He'd be happier without me... I wouldn't, but that's irrelevant.

 

I am really sorry for your situation, OP. I think you have a pretty clear-eyed view of things.

 

I encourage you to let your H know that the (level of) contact with the OW is hurting you, as I think it is doing damage to your already fragile relationship. It will then be up to him to decide how to respond knowing the depth of your pain.

 

OP - how is the rest of your life? Do you work? Volunteer?

 

What, aside from your marriage, gives you a sense of happiness and fulfillment?

 

I probably should talk to him tell him how I'm feeling, but I feel like that conversation is just going to lead into another... about divorcing.

 

I work in health care. I work school hours 9-3 M-F, all weekends and holidays off, summers off. I end up with quite a bit of free time. I volunteer at a local nursing home most weeks and a children's special needs summer camp. I don't really have my own hobbies, I tend to absorb things that my friends (and husband) are interested in. Aside from volunteering, which I do love doing and it makes me feel good, the only other thing that I regularly do is run with our dog every day. It helps clear my head.

[aileD]

Yeah, I think that's starting to settle in... I know that I'm not right for him. He's not a bad guy, I know that he feels bad about it and he'd feel bad leaving me. He shouldn't have to feel forced to be with me. I love him and I want him to be happy. I know that I will never make him as happy as someone else could. It's my fault for even trying in the first place. I should have known better and just left him alone.

 

STOP BEING A ****ING VICTIM!!!!!!

 

Get that mentality out of your head NOW. You are not a victim. You were once, you are not anymore.

[oldshirt]

JRP, I think this should come down to a simple equation - is this situation helping you or harming you??

 

I think the thing that will have the biggest positive impact on your life is to be treated for your dysfunction until you are able to have a positive, supporting, loving and intimate relationship with someone who loves and respects and treats you well.

 

I do not see that at all in this scenario. As I stated earlier, I think you are being traumatized and hurt all over again and again. I see this as setting you back in your treatment and not moving you forward.

 

I think if any normal, healthy, fully-functioning person were to be put into this situation, they would come out of it damaged and insecure and traumatized. This is hamstringing your therapy and delaying your recovery, not helping it.

 

I don't even know if vetoing the open marriage arrangement alone will be enough to get you back on track with your recovery.

 

Even though you say your H is a decent guy, I don't know if you'll ever be able to respect him and trust him and have enough comfort with him after this.

 

I think your priority should be to get yourself treated and recovered and functional again......with or without him.

 

At 24, you have many decades of living and a million different possibilities and opportunities ahead of you. I don't see this as moving forward or making positive progress in your recovery. I think this is going to be hindering your therapy and recovery.

 

This is like tearing off a scab that is trying to form and opening up the wound again and again and never letting it heal.

[oldshirt]

 

 

 

Yeah, I think that's starting to settle in... I know that I'm not right for him. He's not a bad guy, I know that he feels bad about it and he'd feel bad leaving me. He shouldn't have to feel forced to be with me. I love him and I want him to be happy. I know that I will never make him as happy as someone else could. It's my fault for even trying in the first place. I should have known better and just left him alone.

.

 

And FWIW, I do not think this is being a victim or playing any kind of victim card.

 

I think it is some valid self-reflection and self-awareness.

 

IMHO you should not have married until you were able to have a functional intimate relationship with positive and supportive sexuality as a component.

 

As I said in my immediately prior post, I think your top priority should be to get treated and healed and get to a point of and healthy intimate and sexual functioning.

 

That should be your priority and how you can best achieve that should be the course you should follow whether that means remaining married to your current H or not.

 

In other words, getting treated and recovered from all of this trauma should be your top and primary priority. Remaining married is not.

 

If divorcing and being single for awhile is what you need to be treated and healed, then so be it.

 

If being married to him were a positive force and would help you to recover and reclaim your intimate functioning better, then remaining married would be asset.

 

But I don't see that here, I fear this is all just raping you all over again setting your therapy and recovery back.

 

You need to do whatever is going to help you recover and regain control of your life the most efficiently. If that means removing yourself from this marriage and this situation, then so be it.

[oldshirt]

It's my fault for even trying in the first place. I should have known better and just left him alone.

 

He'd be happier without me... I wouldn't, but that's irrelevant.

 

 

.

 

A therapist would have a field day with these statements.

 

Why do you think that you would not be better off without a man that spruces himself up to go make love to another woman and then doesn't allow you to speak to another man???

 

Why do you think that your happiness and well being is not relevant???? :-O

 

 

And why do you feel that getting married was your "fault"?

 

This is all very dysfunctional thinking.

[oldshirt]

 

 

I probably should talk to him tell him how I'm feeling, but I feel like that conversation is just going to lead into another... about divorcing.

 

 

.

 

And this above is another powerful statement ^^^^^

 

If your thoughts and feelings on your well being and the current state of affairs would lead to a discussion on divorce .....

 

....then doesn't that mean that some serious consideration of divorce is in order???

 

 

I mean lets put it this way - lets say you fell down some stairs and hurt your leg real bad and it was bent at a 90 degree angle where it is not supposed to, and you said you didn't want to discuss your pain and disability with anyone because it would lead to a discussion about going to the doctor.

 

....but don't you think going to the doctor would be the prudent course of discussion to have??????

 

I don't see much difference between the two scenarios here. I see you laying at the bottom of the stairs with your leg bent in the middle and in terrible pain and each time your husband goes out to love up another woman, he is giving your leg a kick as he walks by.

 

But you are afraid to tell him how much it hurts and how much disability you have because you are afraid if you tell him about the pain and disability, he might suggest taking you to the hospital.

 

You need to start looking at all of this as what is going to get you healed up and back in the game of life the most efficiently and most productively.

 

I don't think watching your H get all dressed up and spritzing himself with cologne to go out and make love to another woman is helping your recovery.

[sandylee1]

JRP

 

Your husband is not the only man in the world that you would be compatible with. I know you love him deeply, but with every passing day, a little more of you chips away because you feel inadequate - because you're unable to meet his needs.

 

Most people want a life partner to share everything with. Unfortunately neither of you can do that.

 

*You heard the conversation with his friends

*You saw the tab open regarding divorce

*He doesn't want to hurt you by being the one to end it

*Sleeping overnight with the OW after sex was a first for him since your marriage.

 

He doesn't want to hurt you and maybe he ramped up the frequency with the OW, to get you to realise it isn't working for either of you.

 

You're a long way from this, but there are dating websites for those who do not want sex/Asexual people.

 

Another man could be open to IVF/AI and you could also fulfil your desire to have children.

 

You should look at the positives of a divorce for both of you in the long run.

 

You also need to stop blaming yourself for the marriage ... Your husband knew the situation, yet he choose to marry you regardless. That's on him. He could have waited those 3 years before marriage to see how it went. It's not all on you. It really isn't.

[Springsummer]

If we want to get technical, I'm not asexual but it is the easiest way to describe it. According to 3 therapists I've seen you aren't technically asexual if there is an underlying reason for the change. I use to be sexually attracted to men, I use to have desires to have sex, those feelings will resurface from time to time (rarely, but they do). But it's so far repressed that it's like my sexuality is just gone. It's there, somewhere, but buried deep. You could put the sexiest man on this planet in front of me and I'd find him attractive but sex wouldn't be on my mind at all. Could that part of me come back? Maybe.

 

Asexual people can have sex. They aren't terrified of it and don't think it's disgusting, they could just take it or leave it. It's tolerable, not enjoyable. For me, it's not tolerable it's terrifying (at least the thought of it). I've never had consensual sex. All I know is that it's scary, it hurts, I have no control, my voice doesn't matter. I can be told over and over that consensual sex isn't like that, and I can tell it to myself, but that way of thinking is so engrained that it's not going anywhere.

 

I honestly think if it had just been my ex who raped me, if drugs or other people where never involved, I could have recovered and could have gone to have a normal life. From the outside my life seems normal, no one knows unless they have been told. Being drugged so that I was fully conscious but unable to move or speak, then raped my multiple males... I can't go back there. Every time sex crosses my mind that's where I go. To when I felt beyond helpless.

 

I've tried to take steps to work through it. No matter how small I it ends with me having a panic attack and a few times having ended up in the hospital because after a couple hours I still couldn't calm down, couldn't breathe and heart was at 190-200bpm.

 

It's hard to try and separate sex and marriage. You're raised to know that they go together, so it's engrained in me. But more, when I'm actively trying to get to the point of being able to be sexual I can't look at sex as "just sex". They completely go against each other.

 

((((HUG))))

 

It is basically the result of the abuses those evil people did to you. I could not understand how some people could be so evil.

 

I wish I could know how that kind of psychologically triggered damages could be healed. All I could do is damn those evil people and wish the bests for you OP.

 

OP, you are a good person. You deserved to be healed. I hope eventually you do.

[stillafool]

I

 

 

Is he happy? No, but neither am I, neither is my husband and neither is his wife. It's making the best out of a crappy situation.

 

And how long do you think all of you are going to unhappy in this situation? At your ages this will not go on forever. Your husband and OW will eventually feel cheated and move on.

 

 

 

I don't want to be the person that holds him back in life. He only gets one. It makes me feel selfish. He only gets one life he should get to find someone who can give him everything. But I also only get one life and I feel like he's my only chance at being with someone. Him falling for me was a fluke.

 

Respectfully it is very selfish to hold on to someone so young when you know you cannot give them the life they deserve because you are more concerned about your wants. I don't think it will last.

 

 

Just before Christmas I overheard him talking to a very close friend of his. He said if he could back and and do it again, he wouldn't. He should be with someone who he'd go back and do it over with again and again and again.

 

Yes you say this but if you really meant it you will let him go.

[Mumbles]

Mumbles,

 

You seem to be misunderstanding this point regarding the open marriage.

 

No, actually, I -do- get it. Elaines post did help me to sharpen my focus. However...

 

Yes, sure, I get it. But the reality of the situation is that you both have agreed to be open right?

 

Wrong.

 

Or did you actually only agree to -him- seeing other women?

 

You've got it.

 

There would not be any need to have an open marriage if the OP could have sex. So being open on her side is not in the mix.

 

And heres the thing, heres my point and why I keep banging on about the possibilities of open marriages.

 

Yes, I understand the 'might be', 'would be', could be', but theres no point dwelling on any of that, what we have here is 'reality'. In the fairy story version the wife and husband are having sexual relations and this thread wouldn't even exist.

 

Reality is, the OP is in a situation where sex is off the table, but other parts of the marriage are perfectly fine. So, an arrangement has been made. The OP has called this an open marriage, and, frankly, thats what it is. It doesn't follow at all that both partners in an open marriage _need_ to be having sex with other people constantly ... have you been in an open marriage before? I have to ask.

 

It's only open so he can get his sexual needs met, and so all the talk about it being open for her isn't a factor.

 

Why? Where did this come from? I've read the whole thread and I didn't pick up on that at all. I certainly agree that she is not looking to get any _sexual_ needs met outside of the marriage.

 

Open marriages are certainly, in almost all cases, about physical needs. One needs care to keep it at that if the original pairing is to continue to be healthy. However, whats wrong with the OP spending an hour a week with the other wifes husband, talking things through if that what they both want?

 

 

That's what Elaine was telling you and you made out that you understood what 'open' and means in this case.

 

Your open marriage is very different and for the OPs purposes, it's not really relevant, because if she could have sex, and there would be no need for this thread.

 

Then you're reading my words too literally, loosen up and broaden your thought on the picture I'm painting.

 

I'm trying to show an open relationship, mine, where an ongoing long term coupling is still thriving. Allow your mind to move past the sex and fully embrace the 'open' bit. I am not skirting the sexual parts of the deal because the husband is fully engaged in those. I am trying to relay some things I've picked up myself, in my own journey down this road as a potential tool of understanding. I know full well that the sexual side of all this doesn't apply to the OP at this time, but my point is that this is by her own decision, it should not be imposed from 'above' as part of the arrangement. Open should be open ... just that.

 

For goodness sakes, I know, I know, the OP and the husband would be having sex with each other if they could. In this strict view of the openness of this relationship then I'm guessing you'd be quite against the OP engaging, for example, a sex surrogate then? A real physical sexual therapist? It might not work for her, might not even be interesting, but you'd just not like to see it on the table as an option right?

 

I'm open. Try everything you can to save your marriage and don't make lop sided agreements because it ultimately doesn't serve anyone ... not even the husband.

Edited January 15, 2017 by Mumbles

[MJJean]

I am so very sorry for what you've suffered.

 

To give you some background, I got pregnant by a casual sex partner and married him to "do the right thing". We weren't well suited for each other, to say the least. During the marriage, we both had multiple affairs. I would have been happy to agree to an open marriage so that there would be no needless bother, but he just wasn't capable of having that conversation. It was just stupid. We lived an open marriage in practice, but he couldn't/wouldn't make that official policy even though I never hid my activities and he was piss poor at hiding his. I ended up leaving the marriage because I fell in love with my affair partner, but that's another story.

 

I agree with what seems to be the general consensus. Your husband isn't just getting a physical need met. He's having an affair. Just sex is much less...personal. This is an affair you consented to, so I'll just leave it at that.

 

Is this sustainable long term? That depends on how long you and her husband are willing to put up with it.

 

Is your marriage sustainable long term? I don't think so.

 

Going on what you've written here, your husband wants an active sex life with the possibility of naturally conceived children. This will likely become more and more of a problem as time goes by.

Edited January 15, 2017 by MJJean

[impasse]

From everything you've written I think it's obvious that your husband doesn't really want to be married to you. My best bet is he stays, for now, because he doesn't want to be the bad guy who left you. It seems like he's trying to push you away or make you decide to leave him.

 

I agree that he is having an affair, not an open marriage.

 

He isn't the one for you, but there is someone who is. Even if you go through a decade more of quality therapy and still can't have sex, there is a guy for you. Don't sign off of finding anyone.

 

If you and your husband divorced, and his OW and her husband divorced, would you be interested in him? Would he be more compatible for you? There are more men out there who, like him, cannot have sex or men who are asexual and don't want to have sex.

 

I have a feeling that if you were with a man who had no interest in sex you'd progress a lot faster than how you are now. You will never be able to heal when you are being hurt over and over.

[darkmoon]

24 is quite young, imho, you will be better off free, go dancing etc., your husband could be replaced by a sweeter type of guy, or dates (not sexy,necessarily), your husband sounds like hard work

 

I wish you well, and fun

Edited January 15, 2017 by darkmoon

[sandylee1]

I have to disagree with the last two posts about this being an affair. The OP has said it's a one sided open marriage and that's pretty much what it is.

 

That he may or may not have developed some feelings for the OW is to be expected.

 

To keep having sex with the same person, you usually do have to be attracted to them and like them as a person.

 

From your husband's point of view, he won't want you getting close to the OWs husband, because he (your husband) can provide and fulfil (all) your needs.

So he sees no reason for you to get close to another man.

 

He sees that it's fine that he has sex with other women, because unfortunately, that's not something he can have with you.

 

Given that your husband really wants out of marriage, if I was him I would have let you get as close to the the OWs husband as you wanted to. Having said that, there's obviously the male pride and the jealous/possessive feelings that we humans have.

[elaine567]

However, whats wrong with the OP spending an hour a week with the other wifes husband, talking things through if that what they both want?

 

The husband put a stop to her communicating with the other wife's husband.

He did not want the OP to get emotionally involved which is ironic...

 

There was little possibility of sex or intimacy, but she could have got emotionally involved with another man, so he would not allow it.

 

 

My husband needs intimacy to feel loved and wanted. #49

[MJJean]

 

Given that your husband really wants out of marriage, if I was him I would have let you get as close to the the OWs husband as you wanted to. Having said that, there's obviously the male pride and the jealous/possessive feelings that we humans have.

 

Otherwise known as " I don't really want it, but I don't want anyone else to have it, either."

[JRP]

In my selfish heart of hearts, given my own history as a backdrop, I'd _very_ selfishly prefer a situation where I can wander but my wife chooses not to. But, its a selfish and unrealistic thought and what I gain from our situation is far in excess of what I lose.

 

That's what my husband gets and what he wants. He doesn't want there to be any openness on my side to get something from another man, be it emotional or physical. He is allowed to stray from the marriage, I am not (not that I have wanted to). When my husband saw me and the OW's husband together, afterwards he wanted to know everything that we did and talked about. He wanted to know if there was flirting, if I was attracted to him, if I wanted him, if there was any touching (even just if he touched my leg). If I'd rather be intimate with him or if it would be easier to be intimate with him.

 

To be honest, I've felt for a long time that it would be easier to be intimate with OW's husband because there is no pressure (or possibility) for penetration. Everything leads up to penetration which is a large part of why it's hard for me to do anything. With her husband it's totally off the table and there is no chance of an erection. We talked about his problems a little bit, which were caused by nerve damage 10 years ago in his mid-20's. He is completely unable to get an erection on his own. There was an injection drug that sort of worked but only for a few minutes and didn't give a full erection. There is an implant surgery that he could get that would let him have the ability to get a (fake) erection. His wife wasn't on board with that decision, she'd rather go outside the marriage for sex than have sex with a fake erection that is for "old men" (her words).

 

Obviously I haven't said that to my husband, but I think he knows it or suspects it. He doesn't want another man to be "better" than him and able to do that with me.

 

See the difference is the 'knowing'. You know, now, with 100% certainty, what is going on, and this can't be a good thing. With every new bit of information it allows your active mind to then focus on the diminishing number of unknown things. You go from wondering if he's doing it at all, to wondering what specific activities he's actually engaged in.

 

TBH, I don't know which was worse. Always wondering what he was doing with his time, or when I know when he is doing it, wondering exactly what he's doing. But suck(ed).

 

I'm going to call out your husband here, for a moment. Not in an unkind way. The thing is, he has, by your words, an intellectual dislike of the 'escorting' industry. I'd extrapolate from that, that he has no experience in the field. Everyone is free to have their own beliefs, for sure, absolutely, but compromises are already being made, due to reality, in this relationship. My straight up, in your face, query here is ... whats more important? Holding on to this intellectual idea of not using professionals or looking after his wifes emotional well being?

 

My husband main issue with prostitutes are the percentage of them that have been sexually abused or forced to be there. Whatever percentage that may be. His other issue is paying for something that he can get for "free". To him going to prostitutes is saying that he's ok with sexual abuse.

 

He wants the emotion that comes with sex? I'm seeing that as a red flag to be honest. What is he actually trying to satiate here? In this open marriage? Up to this point I've believed that he wants/needs the physical sexual contact of a female.

 

He says that he needs the emotion to go with the sex for the sex to be good. He has to have it on both ends, his and OW's. Even when he was single he only slept with the same women over and over. The OW gets more of his emotional side than I do. It's slowly be dying since she came into the picture and sometimes I have to remind him that I still need that side of him too. Sometimes he'll go days without kissing me if I don't initiate or remind him. I have talked to him about that and he said it's a balancing act how much I get and how much she gets. I feel like I should be getting that whole side, or at least damn near all of it. For him sex and emotion are intertwined.

 

On the children thing. Its not just your husband. I believe you also wrote earlier that you had thought, earlier in life, that you'd like some too. There appears to be a basic willingness there, but also an acceptance, from both of you, that this might not happen.

 

For me, I'd love to have kids. I've signed off on that because it's just not going to happen. No sex means babies aren't going to happen the conventional way and there isn't going to be a "dad". I'm not comfortable going the route of a sperm donor and AI or IVF, or adoption, because I don't want to be a single parent. No dad in the picture, I'm not close with my family, it wouldn't be fair to bring a child into that.

 

JRP, I think this should come down to a simple equation - is this situation helping you or harming you??

 

The simple answer... being married to him isn't helping me. I shouldn't be stuck in the same place I was almost 10 years ago. I don't feel like he's helping me progress, I feel stuck.