Feel Lost and alone and am married [updated 2016-08-13]

[desertfunguy]

I have been married for 15 years. I have a wife and two children, who are actually teenagers. First off, I am not perfect by any means, but I am a pretty good guy and I always do my best. Here is a timeline of my situation...

 

The marriage was always challenging with many great moments. I come from a family with parents who are still married 50 years later and my wife has a bit more divorces and separations in her past, with her parents. I do not yell, never get physical, and always rationalize every argument. I work to listen, and try to be a supportive sounding board for my wife, when she needs it. She has an intense job, and so do I. When she is at work, and things are bad, then she is much easier for me to deal with, as she then relates to me. When things are good at work, then I become the target of her derision.

 

My kids are everything to me, and I have great relationships with them both. I work hard to be a good dad, and also support their dreams and ideas as much as possible. I give freedom when they need it, and create boundaries when they need those. My wife thinks nothing of arguing about my decisions in front of them, if she disagrees with me. She treats them like they are her friends, and not kids. She makes wild promises that are extremely expensive. For Christmas, she spent $2,000 per child, which was ridiculous, even though we can afford it. They still have unopened gifts in May. I never argue with her in front of them, and always address her calmly, but it is difficult.

 

She and I used to go out on date nights, and it was nice. About 6 years ago, she stopped kissing me. I get a peck on the cheek, but no romantic kissing at all, and I am very affectionate. I am reasonable, but do like hugs, kisses, and to snuggle. She is as cold as they come. She has progressed to sleeping with a pillow between us in the bed. I have addressed this on a regular basis and have tried to reverse these trends. It is pretty obvious to me that she has no love for me. I have gained some weight, but am still a good looking guy, and do work out, and am very active. I dress well and have good hygiene, etc.

 

I make her breakfast, coffee, help with the house, and help her to pursue her dreams. I am not controlling and try not to act like a jealous guy. I am sure I have my moments, but when the affection is shut down, this is not easy. We do have intimate relations on occasion, but she has become almost angry and aggressive during this time, and this has resulted in me experiencing ED for the first few times of my life. I do have stress, but this is not normal for me, and it feels pretty obvious that her negativity, and constant corrections in these instances is having a negative impact. Not to mention the lack of kissing, and embracing. It is pretty mechanical, and involves toys for her enhancement.

 

I have gotten to the point where I do not want to be intimate with her at all. I just don't even like her very much. I do feel like I will miss her if she is gone and cannot believe that she would be so idiotic and selfish as to continue this behavior, with the impact it will have on our children. I am hanging in there by a thread and have really wanted to pack my stuff and go.

 

We own two houses together, and have a good amount of debt, (guess why), and together we can manage that, and even be very comfortable. Separate, this causes issues, and I am not worried about me, but want to have college money for the kids and a stabile home. I am so torn over this and feel sick daily. I am going to get some anti-anxiety meds from the doctor, and start going to the gym to tighten up more, but do not know what to do. This feels liek the biggest failure of my life, if it cannot be fixed. Two years ago, I tried to get things better and went to a marriage counselor. She refused to go. I was on my own. That did not help - doing that without her.

 

Any ideas would be appreciated. I have a pretty good sense of personal value, but the main people I want to save in this thing are the kids. Add to this, that if she had partial custody, I am sure that she would be very permissive, and would not provide a good environment. She thinks nothing of leaving them alone for long periods and does not sense the crossroads they are at and understand the support they both need to be successful. I have a unique understanding of this, and want to protect them, and give them both a solid foundation to start from. Half of the people in her family are devastated in their youth, and do not do well in life at all. I want to avoid this for my kids, but do not know if 50% custody will get me there. On the other hand, perhaps me role modeling the strength to change this would have a good impact. I just know it would be a horrible shot if I initiated this. I am definitely thinking of it because I am lonely and feel like a prisoner in my home. I cannot get any affection from my wife and I cannot seek it elsewhere without being a cheat. I cannot let my kids down, but I am dying inside to be treated like a man.

[Mr. Lucky]

Were I you, I'd simply tell your wife a considered version of what you've told us. What's the downside of doing so - even though you've made it fifteen years, doesn't sound like you have 15 months left in you.

 

I'd also make an appointment for MC and tell her, if she wants to stay married, to be there. You can only do so much on your own.

 

Like so many similar situations, I'd bet you'd be surprised at how much your kids know about your issues. And I'd also guess they'd rather grow up in two happy households than one divided one.

 

Don't think you should wait much longer to address this...

 

Mr. Lucky

[desertfunguy]

I appreciate the perspective. I am heading in that direction. I guess I am trying to rationalize and keep it together until I can either strategically fix this thing, with intense counseling and a new perspective, or end it as gently as humanly possible. In my professional life I deal with many challenging and similar situations. Being in the middle of one is not much fun. There are so many facets to this, that it seems to be starting to catch me off-guard. I am beginning to feel out of control, (which is foreign to me). I notice myself feeling like I want to react to feelings of jealousy, deceipt, and abandonment, rather than continue to manage, rationalize and internalize these things.

 

I know it sounds weird and clinical, but I am trying to carefully foil these issues with humor, self-deprecation, and real compassion to keep the peace and protect my kids. As she becomes more distant from me, and this is also a bit cyclical, it is becoming more difficult. I don't want this to end in a dramatic conclusion that causes all kinds of heartache, but I also don't want to tear it apart and then look like the one who gave up and broke the family. I have seen too many situations where the kids come out of this with one parent as an ally and the other vilified. I do not want that, but I could see it happening.

 

Honestly, I have been feeling like I wanted to get out for a few years now, and if there were no kids in the mix, this would have been easy to exit from. I also don't want it to ever feel like it was their fault that I stayed for them. One thing I have decided, if this does come unglued, and if counseling cannot help us both to re-connect, then I will do anything I can to protect the kids. I also, will never re-marry. I see no point tho the institution, if we are not having kids, and would never want to go through this again. I think that marriage is a joke in the 21st century. We should call it a business arrangement, because based on the statistics, that is all that it is. This generation has just not been raised to be loyal to one another, and the drama and the pain have been glorified in the media, to the point of reprogramming too many people into believing that this is a norm. It is truly sad.

 

Thanks for your advice. Keep chiming in, the more I hear, the better I will be able to move forward and have some comfort in the idea that at least others have some empathy and knowledge of my plight, even if it is anonymous.

[66Charger]

The only thing I can comment on is the fear of your children becoming damaged thru separation and divorce. I have had 50/50 custody since my dayghter was 4. Her mom is also "permissive" But I have to tell you, when there is a problem, guess who she calls? Dad. 100% of the time. It does not take a marriage to be a great parent. However it helps if you are happy, and in this case you are not.

 

Whatever your decision, do not live in fear. See a financial planner. The road may be financially easier to stick it out until college, but happier for you and your children if you don't. My personal goal was to make sure my daughters education was paid for. We both agreed this was important. Glad I did that because now she wants to go to Berkeley.($$$$) It took a lot of sacrifice, but now thats taking care of, I can breathe easier.

 

I see no point in dying a slow death, when the alternative is drastically different even if it is a little difficult.

[desertfunguy]

At this point, things seem pretty hopeless. It is not endless fighting, it is just a wife who has become unemotional, distant, cold and really has no zeal for anything most of the time. If I confront her, she is quick to push blame onto me in weak and irrational, but not strongly argued ways. I don't go kayaking enough with the son, (I had a broken rib), or when am I going to get an area of landscaping done, (she had me waiting for a pool guy to do a bid on some remodel work first), and forgot this, but then acted like she never said it. Silly arguments, which I do not engage in, but then no passion and no joy is there. She said to me, " we should play cards more like we used to. I got out the decks, set-up the table and the kids came out to play, and on multiple occasions, she has just said she was too tired or had something else to do, like cleaning the kitchen (again).

 

I am not lazy. I work as a manager of a major facility, and then also do things like ride motorcycles, go hiking, skiing, kayaking, fishing, and have remodeled multiple homes over the past few years - myself. I am pretty handy, my family used to own a general contracting firm, and I can do tile, framing, drywall, plumbing, flat work, electrical, and a lot more. I keep busy, and the house is impeccable, but I leave time for us too, and she is just checked out.

 

Things are great when there is a momentary economic windfall. We do great financially and clear $25000 a month, so this should not be an issue. She spends like an heiress and has very high expectations. If she could just sit and spend, she would be happy, but that is not how life works. I know it sounds insane, but I cannot believe that someone would want to disengage from a life where you have a good guy, great kids, multiple homes, free time, and real freedom. I am not controlling and will let her do pretty much whatever, as long as she is honest and her heart is with me. But... it has gotten painful, and as you can guess, other women have detected my situation, and are making it known that this is not good or right.

 

My game plan is to pay-off all of MY credit cards, separate my vehicle financing away from her, and create an emergency cash reserve. In addition, I want to build both of our savings up to at least 100k so that there is steady cash to handle any issues, should I need to depart the situation. I want to make sure the kids are in good shape and if I feel I need to go, I will set-up a separate household before it is mentioned to her. I am going to rent a storage unit and place my personal stuff in there and will buy (at garage sales and on Craigslist) every household item I need to set-up a separate situation. I want no downtime if this happens. If by some miracle things get better, I will be able to dispose of this for cash.

 

Does this sound too premeditated? Am I going overboard. Your thoughts?

[Mr. Lucky]

Does this sound too premeditated? Am I going overboard. Your thoughts?

 

The financial planning and debt reduction makes sense regardless of your situation.

 

The "secret house" furnishing seems over the top to me, others may differ. Were you to separate, I'd look for a short-term furnished place for the simple reason that divorce is a crazy, fluid, changing situation. You may decide very quickly you want to go back home. She may get scared enough to make an actual effort to change. You'll want to be able to adapt.

 

Beyond that, living an authentic life means you're honest about your actions and intentions. If things are bad enough that you're shopping for home furnishings, she should know ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[desertfunguy]

I understand what you are saying. I guess I am feeling like I need to make decisions that reduce the impact on my kids. There are furnished 1 and 2 bedroom apartment homes, but those would not be very comfortable or suitable for them. At the end of the day, we own two homes and we do have renters in the other one. Their lease is up in about 5 months, and that may give me an opportunity to gain a little space, if need be. It would be unfurnished, and I would rather be prepared to have some basics at least, and I do have a great deal many things that I could store anyways. Some of these things are at my business now, so this would just be re-positioning them.

 

It would be great if this thing turns around. I would embrace that. I do not want to go down this path if it is avoidable, and she can at least meet me halfway. If she has some health issues, (menopause), making this worse and they can do something for her, and she will accept that, then maybe... Lately, she has got this tendency of gaslighting me. Tonight she compared me to some character on a reality TV show, who was wanting to blow up the world because a mouse messed with his sleeping bag. He was someone who seemed to have anger management issues. This is not me. I was honest with her, and told her that I didn't feel like it was kind to compare me to someone like that, and that I never behave like that. ( I do not ) I am very much under control, and am calm and am a very relatable person. In fact, I am professionally trained in things like CPI deceleration techniques to bring people with severe anger, under control. My kids are not fearful of me, and if anything, I get accused of being to slow to respond to situations.

 

Tonight, she was trying to tell me that I lacked perception of my own behaviors. I don't think she even believes this. I think I called her on it, and she wanted to be right, and is trying to justify some weird perceptions of me. She is a smart professional too, and I am kind of perplexed. I do not think she is abusive, aggressive, or anything similarly negative. My gripe is the lack of affection and the lack of empathy. She is like this with the kids too. I cannot remember her hugging them, and cannot remember a kiss for either of them. I think she may have a chemical imbalance and may be low on oxytocin and even testosterone. She has a difficulty with retaining vitamins and minerals in her body, so this could be possible too. Even a hug, seems like a burden for her. Not just for me, but for the kids too. I don't think her family ever had any affection for the brief time her parents were together, so it was not role modeled. She is also not in touch with either of her siblings, which tells the story of a very dysfunctional family dynamic. Her father is not a very nice man, very narcissistic, and her mother is bi-polar. The family has a history of mental health issues.

 

I probably should have considered these things many years ago, but there was no issue impacting us at that time. Now, I am just watching out for the kids. I want to get them cleanly out of this mess, without letting them see all of my strategies and purposefulness.

[joseb]

OP, I wonder is she BPD?

 

Regardless, I think you need to make plans to get out of there and get your life back asap. This current situation is doing real damage to your mental health.

And it isn't doing the kids any favours, they will sense the atmosphere.

 

For some reason, she lost all respect for you at some stage a few years ago. It's very, very unlikely that that is going to change now.

Don't underestimate the negative effect seeing this is having on your kids too.

 

Sounds like you are financially pretty ok, at least that's something.

Does she work?

 

Unless you have some reason to suspect that she will go crazy when you tell her it's over, I wouldn't bother getting everything together before telling her.

Just get yourself a short term furnished place (you can have a couple researched).

And I wouldn't bother building up savings now either. She will just get as much of that as possible in the divorce and spend it on cr@p.

Definitely see a financial advisor.

 

But most importantly, act now, as soon as possible.

You asked her to go to counselling two years ago. She wasn't interested. She isn't now either. She might play along for a bit to keep the gravy train running.

Edited May 29, 2016 by joseb

[elaine567]

She is not an abuser in that you are not scared for your life here, so I do not think you should go underground with your plans and then just say bye as you walk out the door.

I think you need to tell her you are thinking of leaving and that she either agrees and you split up or you both try to fix your marriage.

If you didn't have kids then I would say go and keep on walking, but as you have said, if things were better with your wife, your choice would be to stay in the life you have built.

 

Why did she start going cold 6 years ago?

What actually happened in your lives then?

It sounds like something made her angry, or perhaps a culmination of events, a storing up of resentment and she has taken it out on you ever since.

 

YOU seem to mention control a lot, being under control, feeling out of control, and you also deny you are controlling.

Whereas in the snippets of her thoughts you have told us, she seems to think you are essentially a powder keg waiting to blow over trivia and you have no perception of your own behaviours and I presume also how they affect other people.

I know you have denied both opinions as being false, but is there no element of truth there?

 

If you would rather work on it than just split then you may need to consider her POV, no matter how offbeat you feel it may be. Shutting things down tends to just breed resentment.

Resentment and displays of affection do not tend to go hand in hand.

 

I hope you can persuade her to go to IC/MC, maybe realizing she could lose everything is the jolt she needs.

[desertfunguy]

We had our family vacation in July. It was fun, and also a little weird. It was a totally celibate affair without even receiving a hug on the trip, which makes it just not much fun for me at all. She wanted to look at real estate and actually kept discussing building a cabin. I thought, this is good, talk of a future, is she waking up. Later on, I called her on this and she explained it away, but I doubt that is what she was thinking. I feel hollow when I am with her, and scared, frightened and alone when I am not. A previous responder brought up bipolar disorder, and I am definitely leaning in that direction. I have not totally given up, but am starting to think this may be futile. Here is where we are at now.

 

Two weeks ago we seemed to be getting along momentarily and we went out into the hot tub together. Needless to say, nothing happened, and it was a gentle but in my view savage rejection of her husband. We had a talk, and it was not pretty, we were polite, but it ended up making me need two Xanax to sleep. Just more rejection, and me thinking of my needs and her not knowing why she is not into me.

 

Fast forward two weeks. Things are not great, but I keep persevering and trying, (no arguments, I am polite, and always try to be cordial and positive). I am playing with my kids, and my teenage daughter wants me to take her to a store to get an ice cream. I said, fine, go put some shoes on. She is playing with some dummbells, and her older brother suggests that she curl the 20 pounder, and he will pay her $20.00. I reitterated for her to go and get her shoes on. She tires to curl the weight and cannot do it, he laughs a little, and so does she. She is pretty small for her age, but is athletic. She goes to put the weight down and pinches her finger. Not much, no blood, not red or even bruised. However, she is mad at her brother, and is irritated that I was making her wear shoes, so she runs out to mom, and says that she hurt her finger, and that it was because "I was making her lift weights to go to the store." Total fiction, and it normally would not have made me that angry, but... rather than my wife saying honey, knock it off, you are fine, put your shoes on and he will take you tot the store, ... she gave me a hateful look, as if I was abusing my daughter, and this was all true. This made me mad, and I said, I don't think we will go to the store right now. I don't appreciate stories being made up. My son quickly chimed in that I did nothing of the sort, and explained what had happened. I left the room, because I do not feel that it is my burden as a parent to explain myself to my wife when she is preparing to undermine me, a common trait of hers. My daughter later came to me and said that she had gone to mom and told her the truth, and that she was sorry. I took her for her ice cream. My wife, asleep on the couch with the TV on, did not notice, when the three of us asked if she wanted anything. She made no attempt to rectify the situation with me later. but it gets worse...

 

The next day, I come home from work in a cheery mood, to find my wife at home early. I had put that incident behind me, as it was s common. I could tell something was extra special with her withdrawn and angry mood that has become common. I pressed the issue, not knowing why she would be angry with me. Here is what I got...

 

The night before, When we got home from getting ice cream, she had gone to bed. She sleeps a great deal, and does have an intense job, but it is rare for her to wake easily. I walked into our large bedroom and turned on a side light so I could see, I had some clothes folded on my side of the bed and needed to move them to go to sleep. I also wanted to turn on the fan. I did not make much noise, but she stirred, so I said sweet dreams, and headed out of the room, and turned off the light. My son had called to me and asked if I would play a video game with him. I went and did this for a few minutes before returning to sleep.

 

When I got home from work, and pressed the discussion, as we were alone, she said that she did not like that I was mean to her at bed time. That I had said "sweet dreams" in a way that demonstrated attitude, and that I had said something under my breath, as I walked out of the room. I asked, "what did you hear me say?" She responded that she did not know, but it was not positive. I think she heard me respond to my son, or heard him. He is a teenager and has a very similar voice to his dad. Either way, the incident had not registered with me at all.

 

She added, emphatically, that she was about done with me, and it took all of her willpower not to ask for a divorce as I left that bedroom. I tired to explain to her that there was no malice or anger in my voice, but I am pretty sure, she thought there was, due to the fact that she probably felt guilty, for her earlier behavior with me. She said that she now was willing to go to marriage counseling. I seized on this. As you know, if you have read my posts, I went two years prior, and she refused to join me. I also spent a year receiving counseling services, to make sure I was okay, as I have endured this bizarre behavior - I have never made her aware of this at the suggestion of an MFT, because it was for me to have a place to be safe, and just keep myself grounded.

 

I kept it cool, and said great, let's work together and make some positive steps. I then went and identified all of the MFTs, with the exception of the one I saw and gave them to her. I said, "you pick, my insurance covers them all". She then left the papers on the couch, and has not done anything with them in 5 days. We had Friday off. I asked her, (it was 5:30), and I was sitting on the couch where the papers lie (they are nondescript), "have you called anyone yet?" She responded "no." I said, "you are going to take care of the arrangements right, and reitterated that she had a copy of my calendar until January to use for reference." She said "yes" she will take care of it.

 

That was yesterday... Today, she has gone to visit our personal friends with my daughter and has left my son and I alone at home. One of her pet peeves about me is that I do not visit our friends. I was not invited, and she did not tell me about it until the day before, when I had already made some morning commitments. And to be clear, I was being informed, not asked if I wanted to go.

 

I cannot imagine this thing getting better, unless she actually goes to a counselor and they find out she needs serious meds that become very effective. Honestly, she thinks that this will be like some simple break-up, but I will do whatever I need to do to protect the kids from her. I work with kids for a living, and am usually the one giving the advice, so this is totally sickening to me. I f anyone possibly reads through all of this, please give me some feedback. I cannot share this with anyone I know and it is killing me. I cannot talk to may parents about this, because that would mean that if by some miracle this gets saved, then my mother would never forgive her for what she has put me through.

 

Also, I know I am not perfect, and you are not hearing from her. During our discussion, she emphatically said, "where is the guy I married 15 years ago?" I wanted to scream at her, that he is sitting in front of her, but that the girl I married, the happy, relaxed, adventurous, curious, and loving person that embodied her had flown away half a decade ago.

 

People asked what happened about 5 to 6 years ago to precipitate this, and I think it had to do with a moment when i made a mistake. I wrote a book, and got it published. It was a controversial topic. I then got a big job promotion, and suddenly was in the national news, for my work. I wanted that book gone, and took it out of circulation, and basically made it go away as much as possible, but was very stressed about it, and was mad at myself for the bad judgment I had made. I was probably stressed for a few months, until I knew it was gone, and even if it had surfaced, it was not that bad, but it was something I did not want to explain. My job is very stressful at times, as I am in leadership, but I do cope well normally. There are times, when I am sure my stress level gets the best of me. I am not violent, I do not yell, but am told I can appear sad during these times of extremes, which are few and far between. I am very respected, and loved by many who know me. This story would be something that nobody who knows me in real-life would ever believe.

 

I would not tolerate and deal with any of this, if I thought that my children would not be damaged by her having them half of the time. They are good, strong kids, and I am starting to think they may be okay, at this point, but I am glad I was strong for them, and just hope I have been strong enough, or my wife decides it is time to snap out of it and give love, so she can receive it.

 

Thanks for any feedback.

[standtall]

I'm with Mr. Lucky on this one...MC is imperative.

 

Also, these petty, little...things going on are indicating a bigger problem. What it is, who knows? IMHO, you need to start changing your attitude towards her to one who is more..confident, but caring...aloof, but attentive. Get into some adult league sports. Be a wild card...some type of modified 180. Women do not love men they do not respect.

 

You cannot force her to change the way she is handling things, you can only change the way you are handling them.

[Mr. Lucky]

I would not tolerate and deal with any of this, if I thought that my children would not be damaged by her having them half of the time. They are good, strong kids, and I am starting to think they may be okay, at this point, but I am glad I was strong for them, and just hope I have been strong enough, or my wife decides it is time to snap out of it and give love, so she can receive it.

 

Thanks for any feedback.

 

Your marriage puts the "diss" in dysfunctional. Given all the petty behaviors and power struggles, can't be a healthy environment for parenting and/or child rearing.

 

I'd give myself a deadline - as in soon! - to fix things through counseling and then I'd think about how to create a better life for me and my children.

 

I was bummed just reading your story. Life isn't supposed to be like this...

 

Mr. Lucky

[desertfunguy]

I kind of get the idea, but what is a modified 180? I like the idea of the adult league sports. Sure couldn't hurt. I have been to a counselor, she has refused to go until now, but is now not acting on it. She has got to have some ownership of this too. In my heart I almost wonder if it is worth fighting for someone who would not make the effort. It is not typical, or so I an told, for a guy to begin counseling. If there were no kids in this, I would not tolerate two seconds of this, and maybe that attitude would thwart it. BTW I am polite, but do have boundaries, say "No", and do not have a doormat personality.

 

Thanks for the response.

[desertfunguy]

Hi,

 

I gave her a calendar of dates to use to set-up marriage counseling. I ended the calendar at January 1, 2017. I will not bolt before the holidays, but you are right and if this is not on the road to repair by then - I will be making my moves in a direct fashion. I have leasees in our other house with a lease that will expire in December, and cannot put the other house on the market until then anyways. I want half of that equity paying off the bills to reduce expenses and make this work.

 

You are right, life is not supposed to be like that. This is really horrible, and i do not deserve this, and my kids definitely don't.

[Jeff1690]

Man desertfunguy that is depressing. I hate to go here but do you think she is cheating. Did she used to hug, kiss, and lay around with you? Did you have a good sex life previous to this? Did you used to communicate with each other?

 

My wife and I did and then suddenly stopped. It wasn't till a year later that I discovered what was going on. One of the most honest girls I have ever known, never known her to lie or deceive anyone, then she does it to me.

[Marc878]

Check your phone bill.

[Marc878]

Read Back on all your posts. Pretend it's a close friend. What would you tell him.

 

Living like this for so long? Why?

[NopeNah]

Open your eye's,Bro! This is actually happening no matter what you do...The sooner you accept the reality of the situation,the better for all involved.

[desertfunguy]

The crazy thing is, I am pretty sure she is not cheating. I checked phone records, have easy access to cell phones, looked at internet histories and have a general idea of her day. Her pay matches good with her hours. I thought about this, and really took a hard look on a few occasions. When she travels, she usually takes me or the kids with her, one or both, and she does not have secretive communications going on. The money is also accounted for. Also, if she was, I am pretty sure she would just tell me. She does not hold anything else back. She actually suggested that due to her low sex drive, I might start frequenting masseuses with that extra service. This was a while ago, and probably was a sarcastic suggestion, not that I am interested anyways, it is more about the emotional connection that she doesn't get. Her affection for me died, and it died for her children too. She is not a affectionate person for anyone. She will give you a sideways hug and a peck on the cheek if she is really happy. She takes a cocktail of meds for hypertension, . mood stabilizer, etc. She is always anemic, or is suffering from some ailment. She is very concerned with her health related issues. She goes to the gym every day, but she works out with my daughter - every time.

[Marc878]

Sounds like you have that covered. It's best to fully understand what you're dealing with.

 

usually if there is anything it's on the phone bill

[standtall]

What I meant by a modified 180 was to act like you don't care what she does and move on with yourself, and see if that makes her feel like she is losing you. I interpret the 180 as doing many things to help someone cope with a failing marriage, and one of those is to break the monopoly of control that one spouse may have over the relationship. It sounds as if she has that monopoly. As far as cheating, it doesn't sound that way. However, women with minor children seldom leave marriages unless your beating her, one of you is hooked on drugs, emotional abandonment/abuse, or somebody is banging somebody.

[desertfunguy]

She and I both make really good money. She makes a bit more than me, but not by much. She is in her mid 40s and had lap band surgery about a decade ago, and part of that created a poor ability to uptake minerals. As a result, she had to pop a lot of pills. This can send women into early menopause. She definitely has some issues there, which has exacerbated things. She comes from a family of people with bipolar, depression, and alcholism. She does not drink at all. Her mother and her sister are both bipolar, and her brother is estranged, and I think he has some serious issues too. The father is an icy cold person with no emotion, and he is a total jackass. Their family was pretty messed up when I got there, but she did not reflect any of this. She was the calm in the storm. I am just not sure if some of this is not starting to catch-up and create this disjointed relationship where she gives very little, not even a thanks or good job too much. Once in a while, but not like normal people do. She is tough at work too, but that is what they want her to be. She brings this home and seems to compare me to some of her workers or something, but I am in a different industry. She is professional, concise, total type a personality. This whole thing is bizarre to me too. I would have gone a while ago, except, who want that personality having 80 percent of the time with their kids. Her idea if fun, is binge watching TV on her days off. When she is off from work, she still texts with everyone working, to make sure the place operates correctly. I know this is what it is, because she leaves her phone on all over the place. She has always been a little standoffish, but she has become ice cold, and not just to me. It takes an effort for her to be nice to anyone, who does not have something she wants. If I get a big payday, or run into money, she is momentarily much more happy. She loves it when we save a dime. I think she just resents the hell out of me for being happy and having my kids be so close with me. I was looking today, we are in a hose only for one year, and there is only one family photo up. It had not dawned on me, but this includes kids photos too. She took them down and packed them at the old house, and just did not bother. ???

[desertfunguy]

Here we are some days down the road, and I am not sure of the effect the 180 is having, but I am enjoying it a bit, because I am pretty angry with her for this idiotic behavior. I am acting like nothing is wrong. Took my motorcycle out for a ride last night, and hung out with some men and ladies, and could give a rip of she cares. I have been nice, polite, but also am not engaging her at all. Today she tried a new ploy. She sent me an angry text because a technician wanted to work on our rental home. I ignored the text. Then she sent me one that she was going to be lying down with a headache she had all day. I did not respond. Then she called me to ask me why I did not respond to to her texts, and I said, "I was in a meeting". I came home, and she is lying in bed, dressed, obviously probably does have a headache, but not too happy either. I will not address this. The list of the MFTs along with my calendar migrated from the sofa to the fireplace hearth, where it has sat since then. I have reminded her to make an appointment several times, and left it at that. I won't be at all romantic with her, no hugs, nothing until that happens.

 

If by January 1, nothing has happened, and she has not miraculously found out what med she needs to be human, I am going to already have had a legal and financial consultation, a proposed parenting plan 50/50, along with a realtor engaged to sell our rental property. Within a 2 day span of time, I will move out, and then have all of this in place, so that I no longer have to endure this. I make a 6 figure income, (so does she), am well thought of, and have a good mental outlook. My parents are still married and I talked with them both, and they agree that if she does not make huge changes, then I need to get out. They can't stand her and think she is just a rude thing. As of now, she is reminding me of my father in law, and she has become somewhat repulsive to me. Probably what she is aiming for. I am not sure if there was or is an affair, could be? or it could be mental illness, Bipolar runs in her family. I checked phone records, etc. If it did happen, I think it is over or on hold, because she is coming home earlier, and looks like a wreck. I am okay with that.

 

I will engage the kids in some counseling if this happens, they are young teens, but I will do everything to protect them. She is very short-sighted and cannot possibly have a better life waiting for her, with only 50% of her time with her son and daughter. I work in a related field, and we almost never see moms of school-aged children drive a marriage off the road, unless the man has cheated, is violent, abuses substances, or has changed sexual preferences. I am still me, and am a good guy, but I am no doormat. She picked the wrong hombre to play this crap on, because I can tune it out, and put on a happy face, and really get happy with her out of the picture. Or, if she wants to come back to reality, that's cool, but I would be really weary from here on out. I think this is going to end in January, but I will give it until after Christmas to let the kids have one more of those orgies of presents first. Also fits the timeline for the lease agreement on the rental.

[Marc878]

If you haven't read "No More Mr Nice Guy" do it. Free download.

 

IMO, I'd lay it out for her in a calm rational manner. Not necessarily a discussion but more of a "this is where I'm at" and I'm not interested in this long term so you get on board or that train is leaving the station without you.

 

Never make idle threats btw.

[BluesPower]

You seem to be doing pretty well with everything. The 180 and all that.

 

I know the question has been asked, and you seem to think the answer is no.

 

I am going to go a step further and tell you that, IMO as someone with experience about this stuff, she has been having an affair since the affection stopped in your relationship. It is so common. And no one think their lovely wife will cheat on them until they find out that they did.

 

If you care you need to do all the detective work, and if you don't just divorce her. No matter what you do, do not confront her until you have proof or you are ready to pull the trigger on the divorce. If you don't have proof she will lie and lie and lie.

 

If you need all the detective steps, most are on the forums, if you need more info, say so and I or someone will get them to you.

 

 

Good luck with everything.