Extreme views on infidelity?

[Mrs. John Adams]

Once again open to interpretation. That was my point, I can go through & find a verses saying pretty much anything I want to turn into my direction. I won't though bc I don't agree with everything in the bible. Bible was written by man, not god himself & how many people use it for bigotry & hate? It has many great teachings of course but it's still a book that was writing by man & there are many books that were written that the church won't allow to be seen.

 

Well how this topic got twisted from name calling to blame shifting and vow breaking is beyond me...

 

But you are right we can prove anything we want... Just wanted you to know I taught Sunday school too:p

[Liam1]

See for me the sex part is the least of my concerns. It is the lying and living a double life, getting emotinally involved with the other person. That is a character flaw to me someone that is able to gaslight and be okay with it.

 

 

I never had to lie to my wife. She was off doing her own thing, and never asked where I was.

 

I think the affairs where the spouse does not need to lie to the wife or husband to get alone time, are most likely the affairs that are never discovered.

 

IMO, most spouses know when their spouse is lying. I know my wife would have, and also I know when my wife is lying.

 

But really, if either the sex or the lying is an issue for you are you not living a lie and gaslighting your spouse by continuing the marriage, while you feel that way about him?

 

If you really feel that way about him, will you ever really have a good relationship? Aren't you breaking the vow to cherish your spouse and twisting the vow issue to suit your specific opinion?

Edited June 1, 2016 by Liam1

[Sub]

...and now he has me blocked so he cannot see anything i say.

 

Ah, this explains a lot.

[Whoknew30]

Well how this topic got twisted from name calling to blame shifting and vow breaking is beyond me...

 

But you are right we can prove anything we want... Just wanted you to know I taught Sunday school too:p

 

Lol, I can tell

[wmacbride]

And those same descriptions apply to someone who believes that their spouse cheated without their being some heavy duty problems in the marriage.

 

An intelligent person realizes it takes two to make a marriage work, and two to harm it.

 

.

 

A person with emotional intelligence realizes this is no argument for cheating.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Ah, this explains a lot.

 

Yes he has said he has many of us who hold opposing views blocked... Smart move... I should follow suit

[wmacbride]

Also, let's add another dimension to the discussion: Perhaps whether or not a person is devastated by cheating is a generational thing.

 

Millennials grew up in the age of hook ups and friends with benefits

 

The millennials in general seem far more capable of separating sex from love, than do older folk.

 

Perhaps separating sex from love and choosing to not divorce due to a sexual affair is actually the more mature attitude.

 

If you believe this is the more mature way of looking at things, I think I understand why your wife didn't want to have sex with you.

 

This is not meant as an insult, but as a reality. Your wife stopped having sex with you likely because it simply wasn't appealing enough to her to want to do so. There wasn't event the reason that she should have been paying attention to her sex life with you because it was an expression of love, bonding and connection.

 

Just a wham, bam thank you ma'am kind of thing is not very appealing for most women.

 

If a woman is offered "meh" sex and made to fee like her H isn't even interested in doing so as a way to feel connected to her, then many women wouldn't be interested either.

 

I don't know of all these sudden revelations you say you are having are coming about because of therapy are there because they are really how you feel and how many are because you feel shame at having hut your wife so much it's hard to face what you did.

 

I'd like to think it's the second option.

[WasOtherWoman]

I have several friends in RL who have been touched by infidelity, and I have been aswell. None of our conversations about this in RL are ever as extreme as what I read online. I have seen WS compared to murderers, and even once a pedophile. When people compare it to the pain of losing a child I cannot relate. Watching my mother go through the pain of losing my sibling was horrific and my pain as a BS could in no way compare. When my friends and I discuss the infidelity in our lives it isn't to the extremes that I read about. My H affair was very painful and hard and still hurts sometimes but I can't say it's the worst thing I have ever been through. I also don't believe that all people who cheat are horrible people, I think we are all human and being human comes with lessons and mistakes(yes I know cheating is a choice). In RL the people I know believe As are terrible but they continue on mostly together. Do you find the people in RL you know have similar stances on infedelity as those online? Or is it just easier to voice when one is anonymous?

 

I have seen more where people compare the pain of infidelity to that of a death or someone you love having a serious illness, as opposed to equating an adulterer with a pedophile (which is just crazy talk anyway, so who would even pay attention to nonsense like that??)

 

I think in a lot of cases it also has to do with where someone is, in the processing of the situation. I was a BW nearly 25 years ago. It was painful, but certainly nowhere a death or someone I love getting a serious illness. Loosing a pet was much more painful than his infidelity.

 

I thought it over, decided he was just an idiot and i was not going to spend the next several years dealing with it, divorced him and moved on. No one died and I think that these situations are what you make them. If you allow them to destroy you, they will. I will never allow anything of this nature to destroy me.

 

Years later, I look back on the situation and think "meh.. who even cares?" Even a month out, I was done with the whole thing. So, yeah, likening it to death? I find that very extreme also. No one is worth that....

[Lady Hamilton]

So...

 

I have no clue what we are talking about.

[Whoknew30]

If you believe this is the more mature way of looking at things, I think I understand why your wife didn't want to have sex with you.

 

This is not meant as an insult, but as a reality. Your wife stopped having sex with you likely because it simply wasn't appealing enough to her to want to do so. There wasn't event the reason that she should have been paying attention to her sex life with you because it was an expression of love, bonding and connection.

 

Just a wham, bam thank you ma'am kind of thing is not very appealing for most women.

 

If a woman is offered "meh" sex and made to fee like her H isn't even interested in doing so as a way to feel connected to her, then many women wouldn't be interested either.

 

I don't know of all these sudden revelations you say you are having are coming about because of therapy are there because they are really how you feel and how many are because you feel shame at having hut your wife so much it's hard to face what you did.

 

I'd like to think it's the second option.

 

 

This is a really hypocritical statement. So on one hand there is no excuse for cheating but withholding sex (which not religiously but in some states legally a reason for divorce) for a long period of time is ok? This is kind of mindset that sets a relationship up for disaster. If you stop intimacy & don't discuss why, you're helping to destroy your marriage & that's absolutely wrong...just as wrong as an A bc you're purposely taking intimacy out of your marriage & there isn't a marriage without intimacy...you're just roommates.

 

Also not everytime I have sex I'm looking for a connection, even as a woman I'm sometimes just want the physical satisfaction. The whole connection thing, everytime would get extremely boring.

[ShatteredLady]

Sometimes members here give great advise. They learn & grow from the experience gaining insight into their marriage & the devastation caused.

 

 

"the affair for me was the biggest failing of my life. I hate that I did that to my wife. I am deeply ashamed of who I became when having the affair."

 

"My reason for having an affair had nothing to do with me not loving my wife and everything to do with me trying to prove something to myself."

 

"Missing the sex, though, faded quickly after I confessed to my wife and saw the pain in her eyes"

 

"Yes, I am a better spouse and now my wife actually initiates sex. It's not rocket science"

"In counseling, I learned that my wife likes to be romanced. She is a scientist and works hard all day and to get revved up sexually she needs romance.

So maybe try romancing your wife."

 

"If you love your wife, get counseling. As others have pointed out, a person doesn't just lose interest in sex. It's likely somethin you are doing that is turning her off, if there is no physical issue"

 

"Anyway my point is that if sex is that important to him, and it outweighs the other merits of an honest loyal relationship with his wife, than perhaps he should divorce rather than have affair."

 

"Our marriage however took a huge hit and things will never be the same."

 

 

Then years after reconciliation they come to a forum like this to help others....so I am left wondering if it's LS that has changed Liam's views so much. I'm NOT BASHING!! I would genuinely be very interested to understand why & how his views have changed so much.

 

I came here out of desperation & LS has truly helped me work through things. As previously stated Liam greatly helped me to understand my husbands behaviors in the past. Many others on this forum have also given me great advise that has become part of my beliefs & reasoning now.

 

This whole thread is about "EXTREME VIEWS" & it was questioned if internet opinions are different than real life. I know as a bs I have gone through many different stages with this. I understand that a WS will experience similar...but to change so drastically? It concerns me deeply.

 

The reason I'm coming back to Liam as an example is simple....

 

If I reconciled with the man who wrote the things I've listed above & then within months (after years of reconciliation) his opinions changed too 'I deserved his adultery because I withheld sex & I'm responsible for the infidelity & the infidelity was a GOOD thing in our marriage' I'd be questioning a lot. I know I'm not Liam's wife. I'm using their marriage as an example.

 

If Mrs Adams came to the realization that her marriage was so good & so strong because of her adultery & stated that infidelity was a good thing because it's made them more open & Mr Adams tries harder in bed I'd be questioning her to understand that dramatic change in views.

 

Rewriting marital history has been hard enough to deal with. Rewriting reconciliation is really worrying me! Is this common? Is this normal after a few years? Does reconciliation start with consideration & understanding for the bs only to morph into blame at a later date so the WS can recover from the guilt?

 

This thread seems to be all over the place but there's a logic to a lot of the strange turns it's taken. To me the debates seem to stem from extreme justifications FOR adultery.

 

"Forsaking all others" means to abandon etc (the words already been defined) ALL OTHERS (Don't have affairs) That's how our traditional vows were explained to me. It doesn't say 'Don't forsake your wife'.

 

Adultery IS BAD. I thought we all agreed on that one until we got to this subject of extreme views.

 

I'm wondering if discussing extreme views (& reading them on forums), comparing adulterers to murderers etc has triggered some WS to express their own extreme views in defense. WS's must have triggers just like BS's, OW/OM. It's incredibly hard for everyone....or maybe not!

 

I am finding this all interesting though.....

[Whoknew30]

Sometimes members here give great advise. They learn & grow from the experience gaining insight into their marriage & the devastation caused.

 

 

"the affair for me was the biggest failing of my life. I hate that I did that to my wife. I am deeply ashamed of who I became when having the affair."

 

"My reason for having an affair had nothing to do with me not loving my wife and everything to do with me trying to prove something to myself."

 

"Missing the sex, though, faded quickly after I confessed to my wife and saw the pain in her eyes"

 

"Yes, I am a better spouse and now my wife actually initiates sex. It's not rocket science"

"In counseling, I learned that my wife likes to be romanced. She is a scientist and works hard all day and to get revved up sexually she needs romance.

So maybe try romancing your wife."

 

"If you love your wife, get counseling. As others have pointed out, a person doesn't just lose interest in sex. It's likely somethin you are doing that is turning her off, if there is no physical issue"

 

"Anyway my point is that if sex is that important to him, and it outweighs the other merits of an honest loyal relationship with his wife, than perhaps he should divorce rather than have affair."

 

"Our marriage however took a huge hit and things will never be the same."

 

 

Then years after reconciliation they come to a forum like this to help others....so I am left wondering if it's LS that has changed Liam's views so much. I'm NOT BASHING!! I would genuinely be very interested to understand why & how his views have changed so much.

 

I came here out of desperation & LS has truly helped me work through things. As previously stated Liam greatly helped me to understand my husbands behaviors in the past. Many others on this forum have also given me great advise that has become part of my beliefs & reasoning now.

 

This whole thread is about "EXTREME VIEWS" & it was questioned if internet opinions are different than real life. I know as a bs I have gone through many different stages with this. I understand that a WS will experience similar...but to change so drastically? It concerns me deeply.

 

The reason I'm coming back to Liam as an example is simple....

 

If I reconciled with the man who wrote the things I've listed above & then within months (after years of reconciliation) his opinions changed too 'I deserved his adultery because I withheld sex & I'm responsible for the infidelity & the infidelity was a GOOD thing in our marriage' I'd be questioning a lot. I know I'm not Liam's wife. I'm using their marriage as an example.

 

If Mrs Adams came to the realization that her marriage was so good & so strong because of her adultery & stated that infidelity was a good thing because it's made them more open & Mr Adams tries harder in bed I'd be questioning her to understand that dramatic change in views.

 

Rewriting marital history has been hard enough to deal with. Rewriting reconciliation is really worrying me! Is this common? Is this normal after a few years? Does reconciliation start with consideration & understanding for the bs only to morph into blame at a later date so the WS can recover from the guilt?

 

This thread seems to be all over the place but there's a logic to a lot of the strange turns it's taken. To me the debates seem to stem from extreme justifications FOR adultery.

 

"Forsaking all others" means to abandon etc (the words already been defined) ALL OTHERS (Don't have affairs) That's how our traditional vows were explained to me. It doesn't say 'Don't forsake your wife'.

 

Adultery IS BAD. I thought we all agreed on that one until we got to this subject of extreme views.

 

I'm wondering if discussing extreme views (& reading them on forums), comparing adulterers to murderers etc has triggered some WS to express their own extreme views in defense. WS's must have triggers just like BS's, OW/OM. It's incredibly hard for everyone....or maybe not!

 

I am finding this all interesting though.....

 

Not true some woman don't just lose interest in sex. I know many woman that (especially after kids) have lost interest & truly just don't care about it anymore. Some of my best friends but they do it for their husbands. You can't always pin that on the spouse & if they know why they aren't interested & not working on it, they aren't contributing to an A but definitely contributing to martial problems by lack of communication.

[ShatteredLady]

WhoKnew30. Yep! I know women (& men) who have been the same.

 

A friend had a SPECIALIST (not the simple one a GP does) complete hormone check & was found to be low on some & high on other hormones. It changed her life in so many ways. I was stunned! She lost headaches, had more energy, better mood & described herself as having the sex drive of a teenage boy!!!

 

I'd advise anyone to check medical things first. Spine problems can cause awful issues particularly for men.

 

I was quoting, not necessarily expressing my views. My interest is in WS's rewriting reconciliation years later really.

 

All kinds of communication problems & avoidance of doing the work or seeking help cause marital issues.

Edited June 1, 2016 by ShatteredLady

[Robert]

Members - Given the knowledge that LS does have a blocking feature, and moderation does encourage the use of it at times, please refrain from aggressively attempting to get your point across.

 

Keep your responses civil and if you don't feel like you are being heard, move on. There are many other threads on LS.

 

Thank you,

 

~ V

[Mr. Lucky]

In US society, 90 percent of people say infidelity is wrong, yet MCs say that almost 80 percent of people do have affairs, if there is opportunity.

 

Nonsense. As Twain said, "There are lies, damned lies and statistics".

 

Who among us hasn't had the "opportunity" to be unfaithful ??? If you're breathing and have $100 to your name, pretty easy to cheat on your spouse in this day and age...

 

Mr. Lucky

[wmacbride]

This is a really hypocritical statement. So on one hand there is no excuse for cheating but withholding sex (which not religiously but in some states legally a reason for divorce) for a long period of time is ok? This is kind of mindset that sets a relationship up for disaster. If you stop intimacy & don't discuss why, you're helping to destroy your marriage & that's absolutely wrong...just as wrong as an A bc you're purposely taking intimacy out of your marriage & there isn't a marriage without intimacy...you're just roommates.

 

Also not everytime I have sex I'm looking for a connection, even as a woman I'm sometimes just want the physical satisfaction. The whole connection thing, everytime would get extremely boring.

 

You misunderstood what i was trying to get at.

 

The poster who made the original statement keeps trying to validate his choosing to have an affair while chastising his wife for , as he put it "withholding sex", and expecting her to take responsibility for his choices.

 

Should she also do the same to him? Blame her lack of interest in sex on him?

[Robert]

Rather than deciphering through the rather large discussion of deleted posts, who's blocking/ignoring who, and the posts that don't relate to the original topic, we're going to keep this thread permanently closed.

 

Thank you to the posters that stuck to the topic,

~6

Edited June 2, 2016 by Robert
topic permanently closed after review ~6