Extreme views on infidelity?

[CoolHandLuke76]

The personal sanctity that's violated in a rape or murder is an inaliable sanctity. One that one has at all times, in all manners, regardless of who they are, simply because they are alive.

 

Marriage vows are not an inaliable sanctity. You are in them and stay in them of your own free will. You can exit them at any time, legally and socially. Nobody has the inaliable right of marriage.

 

Yes, both are violations, but neither are the same.

 

Are you really saying here that you'd rather your child be molested, your spouse be raped or murdered, than you being cheated on? That those things are decidedly better than an affair?

 

Actually what I'm saying is if I'm going to be betrayed, better to be betrayed by a stranger that has taken not taken vows with me.

[Lady Hamilton]

Actually what I'm saying is if I'm going to be betrayed, better to be betrayed by a stranger that has taken not taken vows with me.

 

I get that's your preference based on the weight you put on entering into a vow, but that doesn't answer my question of vow breaking via affair vs vow breaking via divorce.

 

If a broken vow is the worst thing one can do, if a vow is willfully broken via divorce, does that mean divorcees are now on the same moral hierarchy as adulterers and slightly above that of murderers, rapists, pedophiles, etc?

[wmacbride]

Actually what I'm saying is if I'm going to be betrayed, better to be betrayed by a stranger that has taken not taken vows with me.

 

The betrayal is worse when it comes from someone you love and trust to dot heir best to never hurt you. That wound can run really deep.

 

I don't understand how this can even really be something that is being debated. If a person who was betrayed feel it was the worst thing to happen to them, then take them at face value and accept that it was.

[wmacbride]

I get that's your preference based on the weight you put on entering into a vow, but that doesn't answer my question of vow breaking via affair vs vow breaking via divorce.

 

If a broken vow is the worst thing one can do, if a vow is willfully broken via divorce, does that mean divorcees are now on the same moral hierarchy as adulterers and slightly above that of murderers, rapists, pedophiles, etc?

 

I'm sorry, but this comparison really is not apt.

 

In a divorce, the two parties sit down and discuss the situation. While I am sure there are times that it does happen out of the blue, but more often than not, both parties know something is up.

 

When it comes to cheating, there's actual betrayal going on. John or Sally are seeing someone behind their spouses back, then coming home and pretending everything is okay. Their husband or wife may suspect something, and if asked, they will likely be lied to, or made to feel guilty for even having the gall to not trust the ws.

 

If the ws and ow/om are sleeping together, then ws comes home and sleeps with bs, there is that further betrayal as well. Some ws talk about their bs behind their back to their ap, again, further betrayal.

 

Again, if a bs feels that it was the worst betrayal they have ever been through, then who on earth is in any sort of position to judge them? Realistically, why does it even matter what anyone else thinks?

[Lady Hamilton]

I'm sorry, but this comparison really is not apt.

 

In a divorce, the two parties sit down and discuss the situation. While I am sure there are times that it does happen out of the blue, but more often than not, both parties know something is up.

 

When it comes to cheating, there's actual betrayal going on. John or Sally are seeing someone behind their spouses back, then coming home and pretending everything is okay. Their husband or wife may suspect something, and if asked, they will likely be lied to, or made to feel guilty for even having the gall to not trust the ws.

 

If the ws and ow/om are sleeping together, then ws comes home and sleeps with bs, there is that further betrayal as well. Some ws talk about their bs behind their back to their ap, again, further betrayal.

 

Again, if a bs feels that it was the worst betrayal they have ever been through, then who on earth is in any sort of position to judge them? Realistically, why does it even matter what anyone else thinks?

 

But a divorce actually dissolves said vow, whereas the affair may or may not break it.

 

And in a divorce, almost always there is somebody who wanted it and someone who didn't... Or at least wanted it less. And where an affair may be based in confusion, impulse, or attraction and it causes incidental hurt, the hurt of a divorce is intentional and often with malice.

 

Then during the process of settling, everything from money to property to custody is all whittled away to one party or the other, sometimes to the dissatisfaction or detriment of the other.

 

When one feels that the worst thing that can be done is to go against a vow, if it's broken via adultery or divorce one would assume it wouldn't matter. A broken vow is a broken vow. Especially when what's required to break that vow includes potentially similar levels of selfishness and malice.

 

As for judging levels of betrayal, on a personal level, I agree. I think it's subjective. I'm just curious if the poster who says breaking a vow via adultety is the worst thing, even worse than murder and molestation, if that carries across the whole if vow-breaking or just the particular subset of people he finds objectionable ("cheaters").

Edited June 1, 2016 by Lady Hamilton

[LivingWaterPlease]

To me, divorce is also betrayal, just as cheating while married is.

 

When you give your vow to be with someone til death and they break the vow, it's a betrayal, even if the person sits down with you and calmly discusses it, divides property with you, etc. To me it's just open betrayal whereas cheating while married is deceitful betrayal.

 

I realize very few other people believe this way. And I know that few people believe what is written in the Bible, too, but even Jesus Christ states that if a person divorces, except for marital unfaithfulness, the person is not free to remarry (since they are bound for life by their vows).

Edited June 1, 2016 by LivingWaterPlease

[66Charger]

I'm not going to get into an argument with somebody who insists that they know better what I was saying and replying to than I do.

 

The guy I wrote it to got the point and we discussed it, others got it too. If you didn't, that is neither my problem or an invitation to be rude to me.

 

The question/point was "if breaking a vow to a loved one via infidelity is the worst thing one can do, does that mean breaking it via a general divorce makes people file divorce equally repugnant, why or why not?"

 

The question/point was not "if you cheat and then your spouse divorces you, that means the spouse is as immoral as you."

 

 

 

Stand by whatever point you want, but don't misread my post, insult me, presume to tell me what I actually meant when I wrote it, then insult me again.

 

I'd like to point out I was asking questions of another poster to get them to elaborate on their point on the belief that the crimes I mentioned were less of a violation than a affair. I wasn't making the statement myself.

 

You can be a crab towards me because you saw in some thread somewhere that I had an affair if that makes your day better, but when I explain my thought process behind a question I posed to somebody else, you can just go ahead and assume I know what I am talking about when I self-reference my own posts.

 

Why would I assume you know what you are talking about?

 

Regardless, if the words are written, they will be commented on, and if i feel something is twisted, or RIDICULOUS, I may post. Rarely lately, because the dishonesty is prevalent and glorified.

 

Most from the infidelity side will rarely post on the OW/OM side and if they do, tread carefully out of respect for the differing opinion. Perhaps the same should be expected in the reverse.

 

Sorry, I was not born to bow. Dear Lady.

Edited June 1, 2016 by 66Charger

[AlwaysGrowing]

But a divorce actually dissolves said vow, whereas the affair may or may not break it.

 

And in a divorce, almost always there is somebody who wanted it and someone who didn't... Or at least wanted it less. And where an affair may be based in confusion, impulse, or attraction and it causes incidental hurt, the hurt of a divorce is intentional and often with malice.

 

Then during the process of settling, everything from money to property to custody is all whittled away to one party or the other, sometimes to the dissatisfaction or detriment of the other.

 

When one feels that the worst thing that can be done is to go against a vow, if it's broken via adultery or divorce one would assume it wouldn't matter. A broken vow is a broken vow. Especially when what's required to break that vow includes potentially similar levels of selfishness and malice.

 

As for judging levels of betrayal, on a personal level, I agree. I think it's subjective. I'm just curious if the poster who says breaking a vow via adultety is the worst thing, even worse than murder and molestation, if that carries across the whole if vow-breaking or just the particular subset of people he finds objectionable ("cheaters").

 

 

I am fairly certain that infidelity breaks as many or more vows than simply divorcing your spouse.

 

I also believe that most that marry understand that adultery is a grounds for divorce, many jurisdictions will wave any time requirements for granting a divorce under an adultery filing. For those courts divorce is a consequence of infidelity....it is not an unforeseen conclusion of adultery. Hence...divorce was an intentional consequence of the adultery.

 

On LS there are a gamut of posters....on every board. It comes with the territory of an open-door policy forum. Are there extreme positions...yup...on all sides. There are just as many extreme AP/WS as there are BS. Heck, there are even WS posters who will say if their BS divorces them....their BS has forsaken them. That the forsaken part doesn't apply to infidelity/adultery....because they didn't "abandon" them.

 

If you are like myself and don't have anyone on "site" block then you are probably much like myself and have the tools in your toolbox to engage them from afar without really needing them to agree or disagree on any particular POV....or to build their soapbox for them. They are generally adept at swinging hammers....usually with the intent of demolition...not to create.

[ladydesigner]

There is something about the lying and ability to live a double life. It was like finding out you were married to a stranger. I still don't know who my WH is anymore and I thought I knew him through 20 years together

 

Surreal is a pretty good way to describe the experience.

[Lady Hamilton]

Why would I assume you know what you are talking about?

 

Regardless, if the words are written, they will be commented on, and if i feel something is twisted, or RIDICULOUS, I may post. Rarely lately, because the dishonesty is prevalent and glorified.

 

Most from the infidelity side will rarely post on the OW/OM side and if they do, tread carefully out of respect for the differing opinion. Perhaps the same should be expected in the reverse.

 

Sorry, I was not born to bow. Dear Lady.

 

So you will comment on my post however you see fit, say that I meant something I didn't and refuse to be corrected, instead saying you know what I wrote better than I do, insult me, then demand respect and that I handle you with kid gloves...?

 

Riiiight.

 

I survived yesterday without your good opinion, something tells me I'll get through tomorrow without it too.

[Lady Hamilton]

I am fairly certain that infidelity breaks as many or more vows than simply divorcing your spouse.

 

I also believe that most that marry understand that adultery is a grounds for divorce, many jurisdictions will wave any time requirements for granting a divorce under an adultery filing. For those courts divorce is a consequence of infidelity....it is not an unforeseen conclusion of adultery. Hence...divorce was an intentional consequence of the adultery.

 

On LS there are a gamut of posters....on every board. It comes with the territory of an open-door policy forum. Are there extreme positions...yup...on all sides. There are just as many extreme AP/WS as there are BS. Heck, there are even WS posters who will say if their BS divorces them....their BS has forsaken them. That the forsaken part doesn't apply to infidelity/adultery....because they didn't "abandon" them.

 

If you are like myself and don't have anyone on "site" block then you are probably much like myself and have the tools in your toolbox to engage them from afar without really needing them to agree or disagree on any particular POV....or to build their soapbox for them. They are generally adept at swinging hammers....usually with the intent of demolition...not to create.

 

I'm not sure one can even say that infidelity breaks more vows than divorce. After an affair, the marriage itself still exists. It's in a compromised state, but it is still there. Divorce abandons it totally.

 

I'm not making the argument for this poster. If anything, I think his thinking is flawed. I'm just curious how far he brings his thinking.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Since I committed adultery...and I am also a Christian....I am bound by the vows I took not only legally but religiously. In those vows I did promise to be faithful to my husband.

 

He had not broken any vows to me prior to my affair. He did not abuse me, he did not abandon me.

 

So legally and religiously...I broke the covenant, the contract. The bible states that he then has the right to divorce me....AND to remarry.

 

It is the only reason given in the bible to REMARRY. There are other reasons acceptable for divorce...but not for remarriage.

 

SO....since I broke my vows first....I broke the legal binding contract and it became null and void. If he had chosen to divorce me instead of reconciling at that point....it would have been his legal and religious right to do so....and he would not have been breaking any vows....because the contract was no longer good.

 

If I had chosen to divorce him instead of having an affair...I would also have broken the contract of marriage....because i had no legal or religious grounds to do so. He had not abandoned me or abused me.

 

This really is pretty simple.....

 

There are those who like to place blame on others for the state of their relationship. I would agree that problems in a relationship go both ways....and both are equally responsible for the state of the marriage. God ultimately wants us to "work" on that relationship and repair it and keep it in good standing. Which is why...the marriage relationship is compared to Jesus and His church. Husbands are commanded to love their wives like Christ loves His church...and wives are commanded to respect their husbands.

 

If we are doing everything we should be doing to nurture our marriage and our relationship...BOTH OF US!!!!.....then we will not be having affairs and abandoning each other.

 

Is having an affair worse than abandonment? Is murder worse than robbery? is sin... sin? Do we all sin? and by whose measurement do we hold each other accountable for those sins?

 

Can we be redeemed? can we be forgiven?

 

Yes

 

Once a cheater always a cheater? Once a murderer always a murderer? and is the sin of adultery equal to the sin of murder?

 

I attempted to kill my marriage...I conscientiously made a choice to betray my husband...I broke a vow promising to keep myself only unto him. I knew that the consequence of that act...could and would most probably end in divorce.

 

I was indeed an evil person because i did an evil thing...and if i had continued in my evil ways...I would still today deserve to be called all of the vile and ugly names that others have called me...and even though i have not repeated my offense in 33 years...in some eyes...I remain an evil person....and I understand....but I am not accountable to those people.

 

I have received forgiveness from the person I wronged....my husband...and from my God. I have been redeemed.

 

If in your eyes...I remain vile and ugly....it no longer matters. I did not wrong you and I believe you have every right to have your opinion.

 

We here at loveshack are on many different levels of recovery. We come from all walks of life....and all different countries. There are many different opinions. I do not have to agree with your opinion...but I have to respect you as a poster.

 

Calling me names....telling me I am vile and worthless human being....is not respectful. You may have that opinion of me....you however are forbidden by the rules of this forum to say so.

 

It is indeed that simple.

 

The op of this thread asked if indeed there are those who express their total disgust and contempt for waywards. The answer very simply is ...yes there are. Is it right? it is an opinion....and everyone has one. Does it matter? not really.

[DAO]

I'm not sure one can even say that infidelity breaks more vows than divorce. After an affair, the marriage itself still exists. It's in a compromised state, but it is still there. Divorce abandons it totally.

 

I'm not making the argument for this poster. If anything, I think his thinking is flawed. I'm just curious how far he brings his thinking.

 

Infidelity certainly breaks more vows then divorce.

Infidelity is the reason

Divorce is the consequence(justify or not)

There is always a reason for the divorce

Divorce can not be a reason

[understand50]

The op of this thread asked if indeed there are those who express their total disgust and contempt for waywards. The answer very simply is ...yes there are. Is it right? it is an opinion....and everyone has one. Does it matter? not really.

 

If we do not believe in redemption, if you only believe in that once cheating happens it will happen again, and never stop, we only have divorce.

 

Sense, I have been on Love Shack, there always has been tension, between, the "divorce only" group, and the "try reconciliation" group. In the large group that is human beings, there is the person, that will cheat, cheat again, and lye while they do it. I do not believe you can reconcile with that type of person. There is another. Mrs, Adams, did a bad thing and has spent a life time making it up to John. My wife, did a bad thing and has led a faithful life with me ever sense. There are other examples. For us the hard work and pain of reconciliation has paid great dividends. From the person, that "works" at cheating, there is the person, that fell out once, or for a brief time. With the bonds of family and kids, the relationship is not lightly case aside. This should be respected, and the effort, and work that goes in to reconciliation should be acknowledged and celebrated.

 

This is not to say that divorce should not be an option. Sometimes, we in the "reconciliation group" have advised divorce, as one or the other partners in a marriage, will not, or can not, put in the hard work to reconcile. I feel sadness, and hope each will get the peace that look for.

 

Respect. Respect for our chooses, and compassion, for what we are going through or have gone through, just as we have compassion, and respect for the person that comes to see divorce as the only solution. Personally, I have respect for many here, on both side of the issue. I would suggest that name calling, abusing, and denigrating someone, who is letting us see the struggle they are engaging in, or have engaged in, is wrong. Not only are you wounding when they are down, you shut out any chance they may take something away that could help them, or more likely, their experience is lost to you, and you do not take the one nugget of knowledge that may help you. If you are so wounded, that your only way to feel better, is to heap scorn upon another, then you need to go to another forum.

 

As for Abigail and John, after suffering a huge hit to their marriage, ego, and self worth, they have prevailed, and are still together. Abusing Abigail, for doing a bad and evil thing once, stops you form learning how they managed to do this. In the end, that only thing for them, as is the same for my wife and I, is their commitment to each other. I try and learn from everyone here. From the waywards, what not to do. From the betrayed, how to deal with the situation. From all, compassion, and knowing that in life we all can slip, and we all can only hope that our loved one will give us a second chance. I was able to give a second chance, and in looking back, I am thankful that I was able to see the better part of the woman I married.

 

Ask yourself, is abusing someone else really going to help you? Does it not show that you need to work on yourself? You can be in pain, but getting past that and being able to see the big picture is what is needed. Clear thinking, will in the end, help you more then lashing out, or trying to hurt someone else. We are all just whispers on the internet. You can take or give your best, or your worst. I, as do may others in both groups, prefer to give my best in the hopes that I can help another, and also myself in understanding myself and that ones I love.

 

As always I wish all the best of luck..................

[NewLeaf512]

OP

 

How many people have you discussed (your) infidelity with on a personal level IRL? We'll say 5. How many posters have commented of or concerning infidelity on LS? Thousands? I have seen posters make such express comments, but more than 5 posters have made comments on this thread agreeing with statements in your original post. So, I guess what I am suggesting is if you talk to more people IRL you'll find folks that will state it is worse than murder, death, or just about anything life can throw at you.

 

 

no it isn't. My H cheated on me, had a baby with her, then murdered someone and killed himself about less than 7 inches from my face.

 

 

If there are real thought in your mind that an A is worse than that I really cant say one more thing on this to you OL

[Sub]

 

So when people say they would rather divorce than cheat, it amazes me that they do not see the irony in that statement. Do they really think abandoning (forsaking) their spouse gives them the moral high ground as compared to a sexual "fling"?

 

I don't think it's ironic at all. A lot of people don't see the act of D in the way others do. And to many, D is at least an honest way of checking out of the M. Where the A loses in the moral high ground comparison is the dishonest way in which it is carried out. I'd so much rather have had my W just be honest and leave than do what she did. Especially if the plan was to leave anyway.

 

And to generalize A's as merely a sexual fling is very naive. We've been here before. Spend any time on these boards and see how many people saw it as very much more than that.

[OneLov]

no it isn't. My H cheated on me, had a baby with her, then murdered someone and killed himself about less than 7 inches from my face.

 

 

If there are real thought in your mind that an A is worse than that I really cant say one more thing on this to you OL

 

What are you talking about? Do you even read my posts? A careful reading would objectively conclude that I was referring to sample sizes and the law of averages. I never once suggested or implied that I believe infidelity is worse than murder. For the record, I personally do NOT believe it is. Chill.

[NewLeaf512]

What are you talking about? Do you even read my posts? A careful reading would objectively conclude that I was referring to sample sizes and the law of averages. I never once suggested or implied that I believe infidelity is worse than murder. For the record, I personally do NOT believe it is. Chill.

 

 

"I guess" does not speak to a sample size of raw data derived into data sets and run against a statistical analysis plan to obtain a p-value or false negative.

 

 

Don't tell me to Chill it's disrespectful and rude, you are back peddling and how you think you could even have a voice to proffer your opinion when your "A" was a few weeks of talking on the telephone to someone you have never met and in fact have no proof that she was even married makes your summations moot.

[Liam1]

I'm only questioning how one breaking of the vow could be the worst of all sins and the other vow breaking is fine.

 

 

My point, exactly. If people are complaining about breaking vows being a negative thing, they are missing the point of vows if they think that divorce is not breaking a vow.

 

It not only breaks a vow. It is a permanent ending.

 

When my Fiance cheated, it was not a big deal to me. So she had sex with someone else, but she still wanted to be with me. If we had been married for 20 years it would not be a deal breaker for me. We were only engaged and it still was not a deal breaker for me.

 

I did not really see it as the worse thing anyone could ever do. So she succumbed to a sexual attraction with some strange? So what? It was like she scratched an itch. Or, she pigged out on chocolate cake while on a diet. My ego was not offended by that fact. The bottom line was she wanted to be with me, not him. That was all that mattered in the end.

 

Now there are some people who have affair that are terribly mean and neglectful to their spouse and family, and that may be a different situation. They end the marriage and they are simply cold hearted.

 

I also do not care if people divorce or have affairs or whatever. I do not live in their marriage and really can not draw an intelligent conclusion about their motive.

 

It is okay that someone else may feel differently, but there is a respectful way to disagree without using ad hominem insults.

 

[]

Edited June 1, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Topical content

[Mrs. John Adams]

My point, exactly. If people are complaining about breaking vows being a negative thing, they are missing the point of vows if they think that divorce is not breaking a vow.

 

It not only breaks a vow. It is a permanent ending.

 

When my Fiance cheated, it was not a big deal to me. So she had sex with someone else, but she still wanted to be with me. If we had been married for 20 years it would not be a deal breaker for me. We were only engaged and it still was not a deal breaker for me.

 

I did not really see it as the worse thing anyone could ever do. So she succumbed to a sexual attraction with some strange? So what? It was like she scratched an itch. Or, she pigged out on chocolate cake while on a diet. My ego was not offended by that fact. The bottom line was she wanted to be with me, not him. That was all that mattered in the end.

 

Now there are some people who have affair that are terribly mean and neglectful to their spouse and family, and that may be a different situation. They end the marriage and they are simply cold hearted.

 

I also do not care if people divorce or have affairs or whatever. I do not live in their marriage and really can not draw an intelligent conclusion about their motive.

 

It is okay that someone else may feel differently, but there is a respectful way to disagree without using ad hominem insults.

 

Red is accurate about the insults leveled here at WSs. Even in this thread there are people who are making insulting comments about people who have affairs.

 

Divorce is indeed breaking a vow if one of the parties did not break the vow first by infidelity or abandonment.

 

But if divorce follows an act of infidelity it is not breaking a vow because the contract was already broken

[gemini6]

I'd say Redd that it all depends on what you do with infidelity. What did you learn, what did you change? How are you now?

 

Infidelity, or being betrayed by my H, changed me. Changed our marriage and changed him. Was it horrible? Yeah, it was - BUT, I am much more independent, I don't take things or people for granted, I'm much more aware of how things can change in an instant. I no longer put up with any kind of bull-****, from anyone - I don't need them or their drama!

So while the A hurt me, it also made me much stronger and prepared I guess, I have always made enough money to support myself but I was terrified of losing him - I no longer have that fear, he can kick rocks anytime! He treats me 100 times better then he did before the A - I'm not sure exactly why.... remorse, guilt, or that he knows I will leave his sorry ass.

So yeah, infidelity is painful but losing my old chocolate lab, who did nothing but love me, was much more painful - that's for sure!

[Liam1]

Infidelity certainly breaks more vows then divorce.

Infidelity is the reason.

 

Have you ever actually read the typical vows? It seems not because you missed the vow of for better or for worse.

 

If a spouse had an affair, and the other spouse divorces without attempting to work it out than they are breaking one of the TRADITIONAL spoken vows of for better or worse.

 

You can justify it, if you wish, but it is a false justification.

 

Divorce is the consequence(justify or not)

Most affairs do not cause a divorce. If the spouses love each other, and WANT to work it out, they can work it out and MANY do. More do than don't, if you ask an MC.

 

In fact, that is the first statistic our infidelity specialist MC mentioned, when we first went to see her.

 

My marriage has improved greatly since my affair. Mainly because my wife had the insight to look at her own behavior within the marriage and correct it.

 

There is always a reason for the divorce

There is always a reason for everything. There is a reason usually for an affair, too.

 

From a legal perspective having an affair is legal grounds for divorce, but so is constructive abandonment, which is what the courts call it when a spouse refuses to have sex for one year with the other spouse.

 

There are also other forms of abuse within a marriage that are also grounds for divorce. They call the extreme cruelty or irreconcilable differences.

 

I see too many people male and female here ( not necessarily you because I don't know your backstory) whose spouses refuse to have sex with their spouse who are basically, in essence, disobeying one of the vows TO CHERISH THEIR SPOUSE, yet they expect their spouse to just suck it up. Sad really, that they do not have the insight to see their own faults.

 

It amuses me that some people think that it is okay that an affair be likened to murder.....murder of the soul, etc... but that the emotional abuse of constructive abandonment or verbal abuse is okay. Emotional abuse is abuse, pure and simple, but some here think it is okay.

 

Personally, IMO, both can be worked through, but only if both want to and both love each other.

Edited June 1, 2016 by Liam1

[Mrs. John Adams]

Have you ever actually read the typical vows? It seems not because you missed the vow of for better or for worse.

 

If a spouse had an affair, and the other spouse divorces without attempting to work it out than they are breaking one of the TRADITIONAL spoken vows of for better or worse.

 

You can justify it, if you wish, but it is a false justification.

 

Most affairs do not cause a divorce. If the spouses love each other, and WANT to work it out, they can work it out and MANY do. More do than don't, if you ask an MC.

 

In fact, that is the first statistic our infidelity specialist MC mentioned, when we first went to see her.

 

My marriage has improved greatly since my affair. Mainly because my wife had the insight to look at her own behavior within the marriage and correct it.

 

There is always a reason for everything. There is a reason usually for an affair, too.

 

From a legal perspective having an affair is legal grounds for divorce, but so is constructive abandonment, which is what the courts call it when a spouse refuses to have sex for one year with the other spouse.

 

There are also other forms of abuse within a marriage that are also grounds for divorce. They call the extreme cruelty or irreconcilable differences.

 

I see too many people male and female here ( not necessarily you because I don't know your backstory) whose spouses refuse to have sex with their spouse who are basically, in essence, disobeying one of the vows TO CHERISH THEIR SPOUSE, yet they expect their spouse to just suck it up. Sad really, that they do not have the insight to see their own faults.

 

It amuses me that some people think that it is okay that an affair be likened to murder.....murder of the soul, etc... but that the emotional abuse of constructive abandonment or verbal abuse is okay. Emotional abuse is abuse, pure and simple, but some here think it is okay.

 

Personally, IMO, both can be worked through, but only if both want to and both love each other.

 

I repeat if infidelity occurred first and the divorce is the result of the infidelity... The marriage contract was already broken.

[wmacbride]

If one wishes to cite christian wedding vows, then perhaps they include more of the text.

 

"will you have this woman to be your lawful wedded wife, to live together after God s ordinance in the Holy Estate of Matrimony? Will you love her, comfort her, honor and keep her in sickness and in health; and, forsaking all others keep you only unto her as long as you both shall live?"

 

( I had to look that up, as I am not christian and we used different vows, thought he intent was the same)

 

Again, I really wonder why the comparison is even being brought up in the first place. From what I can tell, it is being used in an attempt by some to minimize the hurt A can cause to bs.

[OneLov]

"I guess" does not speak to a sample size of raw data derived into data sets and run against a statistical analysis plan to obtain a p-value or false negative.

 

 

Don't tell me to Chill it's disrespectful and rude, you are back peddling and how you think you could even have a voice to proffer your opinion when your "A" was a few weeks of talking on the telephone to someone you have never met and in fact have no proof that she was even married makes your summations moot.

 

It's an opinion because I'm not an expert with raw data to support my assertion. "I guess" qualifies my statement as such. But that's what what everything posted on LS is--opinions. And it's how they should be interpreted. Again, my statement was to suggest there are extreme opinions about any topic. But those opinions are a very small minority. If you talk to enough people IRL, you will find some that also have extreme views.

 

I'm not backpedaling nor am I being pugnacious or making this personal by using incorrect facts to suggest a conclusion that has nothing to do with the topic of this thread. I respect your opinions and if you do not believe I have, then I am sorry.

 

I have nothing more to contribute to this thread.