Relationship issues

[Cathy7]

Dear Forum Users,

 

I would be indebted for your opinion on this issue since I have no one to get advice from. I am seriously dating a man. By "seriously" I mean that I consider him in my future plans and think about making the future together. However, there are some troubling issues. I have met him four months ago during the professional dinner organised by my company. We discovered a wonderful mental connection and started keeping in touch.( I am in my twenties and he is older. )

 

After that we met on a date. We decided we will continue getting to know each other and this weekend date ws a great opportunity. We had a beautiful day. In the evening he asked me to sleep together and I declined, since I wasnt ready for that. Even though I said no, he kept insisting very much, which disturbed me, but finally did not cross the line.

 

After that we.kept on dating and finally went for a holiday together, during which we were making love. At some point I invited him to get to know my parents. We spent two nights in my parents' house and he kept pushing me terribly into having sex. I begged him to respect my decision and understand that I wouldn't feel comfortable making love in my parents house where I have to accept their rules.

 

He became very angry with me and treated me with silence. After that, suggested going to a hotel together in order to be private. I declined since I felt pressured all the time. He didn't take my no and I had to repeat NO at least 20 times during these two days, almost each hour..

 

He said that in our relationship he never accepts no and I always have to say yes since this is what couples do. He insisted that there is no negative answer in relationship, called me stupid and said that I act as a child and I am totally immature.

 

He also said that he will leave to somewhere else, leave me forever and it will be all my fault. I felt so bad on hearing all that, trying to find balance between my parents house rules and my partner's dissatisfaction.

 

He said that he will sleep somewhere in the street since he cant stay with me and I idon't want to say yes. I answered that I feel so bad inside now. He said that if I feel bad inside, it means that I have a reason to feel bad. Then made a scene in the city about it again. He was leaving and returning in a confusing scene.

 

Finally he said he wants to stay because he can't leave without me and i hve a lack that he stays even if i treat him like a xxxxx.

 

After seeing all this, I don't know what I want. I thought I want to build something beautiful slowly and with love with this man who impressed me initially with his character and whom I regarded as my soulmate., but what he did made me feel stupid and embarassed of myself.

 

Dear users, what do you think? I'm feeling totally confused inside.i want my boyfriend to be happy but sometimes I believe I have a right to say no.

 

The most confusing part is that at one point he can be absolutely brilliant and we spend wonderful intellectual tiem together and at the other point , when I say no, he makes some sort of a scene.

 

What happens? Is it love? I really really think seriously about him and he also said that he perceives me asthe part of his future.help:-(

Edited May 28, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs ~6

[spiderowl]

Anyone who makes you feel pressured and has an angry tantrum if you refuse his advances is not good relationship material. He should understand you feel uncomfortable in the circumstances. He seems to be all about sex. He might be nice in some respects but look at the overall person and how he is making you feel. Are you feeling happy, relaxed and loved or pressured and hurt?

[Satu]

He is severely abusive, and you are being abused.

 

 

Sorry to be blunt, but there's no nicer way of putting it.

 

He's a total control freak, and his coercive, insistent demands for sex, when he knows you don't want to, is abusive.

 

 

Read this list, and bear in mind that even one of these behaviours is happening, you are in a bad relationship:

 

 

"If you aren’t sure what constitutes this damaging behavior, here are 30 signs of emotional abuse.

 

 

1. They humiliate you, put you down, or make fun of you in front of other people.

 

2. They regularly demean or disregard your opinions, ideas, suggestions, or needs.

 

3. They use sarcasm or “teasing” to put you down or make you feel bad about yourself.

 

4. They accuse you of being “too sensitive” in order to deflect their abusive remarks.

 

5. They try to control you and treat you like a child.

 

6. They correct or chastise you for your behavior.

 

7. You feel like you need permission to make decisions or go out somewhere.

 

8. They try to control the finances and how you spend money.

 

9. They belittle and trivialize you, your accomplishments, or your hopes and dreams.

 

10. They try to make you feel as though they are always right, and you are wrong.

 

11. They give you disapproving or contemptuous looks or body language.

 

12. They regularly point out your flaws, mistakes, or shortcomings.

 

13. They accuse or blame you of things you know aren’t true.

 

14. They have an inability to laugh at themselves and can’t tolerate others laughing at them.

 

15. They are intolerant of any seeming lack of respect.

 

16. They make excuses for their behavior, try to blame others, and have difficulty apologizing.

17. The repeatedly cross your boundaries and ignore your requests.

 

18. They blame you for their problems, life difficulties, or unhappiness.

 

19. They call you names, give you unpleasant labels, or make cutting remarks under their breath.

 

20. They are emotionally distant or emotionally unavailable most of the time.

 

21. They resort to pouting or withdrawal to get attention or attain what they want.

 

22. They don’t show you empathy or compassion.

 

23. They play the victim and try to deflect blame to you rather than taking personal responsibility.

 

24. They disengage or use neglect or abandonment to punish or frighten you.

 

25. They don’t seem to notice or care about your feelings.

 

26. They view you as an extension of themselves rather than as an individual.

 

27. They withhold sex as a way to manipulate and control.

 

28. They share personal information about you with others.

 

29. They invalidate or deny their emotionally abusive behavior when confronted.

 

30. They make subtle threats or negative remarks with the intent to frighten or control you.

 

The first step for those being emotionally abused is recognizing it’s happening. If you recognize any of the signs of emotional abuse in your relationship, you need to be honest with yourself so you can regain power over your own life, stop the abuse, and begin to heal. For those who’ve been minimising, denying, and hiding the abuse, this can be a painful and frightening first step."

 

Source here.

 

As regards the sexual element:

 

"The sexual abuser sees women as being put on Earth to provide him with sex and therefore does not take any of our feelings, wants or wishes into account, least of all our right to refuse whatever sexual act he demands of us."

 

Source here.

 

Get out of this relationship as soon as you can.

 

 

Take care.

[preraph]

He's a dictatorial controlling abuser who thinks the most important thing is him getting sex. They only get worse. You need to get out.

[Cathy7]

Thank you so much to all of You for taking your time and offering your thoughts and comments! It means so much to me. Thank you for your support. I really needed to share what happened. It's boiling in me. I dont want to deny anything to my boyfriend but in certain situations I think we should understand each other. I would never break the rules of his parents house too, whatever they are, because its their house, not ours. I expect the same from him at my house. Also I really wanted to introduce him to my family. What may have influenced his behaviour is that we have to commute to see each other, living some space away from each other. (Therefore we cant always see each other as we would like to. Yet we were thinking to move together at some point that will be reasonable- we know each other for four months by now)However, after the visit in my parents house, we were going to spend a great amount of days on our own within a couple of days, being completely free. However, now I really don't know if I want to do that.After being pushed so many times and called stupid I feel like emotionally caving in and getting more distant.i don't think it was childish of me to respect the rules of the house which isnt mine. This respect for somebody's place shouldnt depend on the age. I also havent heard in my life of anyone setting rules fir another person, rules in which you can never deny. I would never be angry with him if he told me no because of any reason, being tired, embarassed... well he shouldnt even give a reason.

[spiderowl]

Thank you so much to all of You for taking your time and offering your thoughts and comments! It means so much to me. Thank you for your support. I really needed to share what happened. It's boiling in me. I dont want to deny anything to my boyfriend but in certain situations I think we should understand each other. I would never break the rules of his parents house too, whatever they are, because its their house, not ours. I expect the same from him at my house. Also I really wanted to introduce him to my family. What may have influenced his behaviour is that we have to commute to see each other, living some space away from each other. (Therefore we cant always see each other as we would like to. Yet we were thinking to move together at some point that will be reasonable- we know each other for four months by now)However, after the visit in my parents house, we were going to spend a great amount of days on our own within a couple of days, being completely free. However, now I really don't know if I want to do that.After being pushed so many times and called stupid I feel like emotionally caving in and getting more distant.i don't think it was childish of me to respect the rules of the house which isnt mine. This respect for somebody's place shouldnt depend on the age. I also havent heard in my life of anyone setting rules fir another person, rules in which you can never deny. I would never be angry with him if he told me no because of any reason, being tired, embarassed... well he shouldnt even give a reason.

 

Someone loving who respects you would not call you stupid for respecting your parents home. They might disagree with you but that's entirely different to being pressurising and rude.

[Satu]

Thank you so much to all of You for taking your time and offering your thoughts and comments! It means so much to me. Thank you for your support. I really needed to share what happened. It's boiling in me. I dont want to deny anything to my boyfriend but in certain situations I think we should understand each other. I would never break the rules of his parents house too, whatever they are, because its their house, not ours. I expect the same from him at my house. Also I really wanted to introduce him to my family. What may have influenced his behaviour is that we have to commute to see each other, living some space away from each other. (Therefore we cant always see each other as we would like to. Yet we were thinking to move together at some point that will be reasonable- we know each other for four months by now)However, after the visit in my parents house, we were going to spend a great amount of days on our own within a couple of days, being completely free. *However, now I really don't know if I want to do that.After being pushed so many times and called stupid I feel like emotionally caving in and getting more distant.i don't think it was childish of me to respect the rules of the house which isnt mine. This respect for somebody's place shouldn't depend on the age. **I also havent heard in my life of anyone setting rules fir another person, rules in which you can never deny. I would never be angry with him if he told me no because of any reason, being tired, embarassed... well he shouldnt even give a reason.

 

*If you do spend this time with him, you better be ready to pander to his demands, because he won't settle for anything less, regardless of your wishes.

 

**It doesn't matter to him what you want. He's a total control freak. As far as he's concerned, he makes the rules, and you should do what you're told.

 

Be aware that if a person is coerced into having sex, when they don't want to, and have stated that they don't want to, its rape.

 

Coercion can take many forms, and getting angry and throwing tantrums, is definitely coercion.

 

Why am I making this point?

 

Because he has already coerced you, and I think he might well go further, and cross the line into rape.

 

This guy isn't safe to be with.

 

Sorry.

Edited May 28, 2016 by Satu

[Cathy7]

Thank you for your replies. I also feel that weird, I think something is very wrong. I don't see these many holiday days coming. I'm having an inner confusion about my boyfriend because he can be the most brilliant person on earth who suddenly changes into somebody scary. How is it that he can be a brilliant interlocutor, we can talk for ages, joke for ages, share our deepest interests,read together our favourite books and discuss all the fascinating topics we love and then after a while he changes into someone who pushes me so much. when I try to make a conversation, he overflows me with words and says it's not true. The second day he told me not to speak and put a hand over his face in order not to talk to me. Isn't it childish or I'm being crazy? I feel like I'm beginning to be in a crazy nightmare. And then suddenly he said I'm sorry and we had a great afternoon after which he verbally and physically tried to change my mind again, trying to pull me and undress me, asking the same question as if I didn't already say NO so many times. It makes me feel unsafe. Thank you so much for sharing with me, I truly appreciate it.

[Satu]

"Abuse is sometimes extremely subtle. It is often insidious: You go from thinking you are falling in love to wondering why all of the “problems” in your new relationship seem to be your fault — with no clear idea of how you got from point A to point B. Perhaps you blame it on having not been in a relationship in a while; you decide that you simply forgot how to be in a relationship. You assume — you convince yourself — that you have become selfish because you have wants and needs (such as the need for unwavering, enduring respect; the need, simply, for a person to be honest with you). For these reasons, it is you, and you alone, who is responsible for the relationship’s problems... or so you tell yourself."

 

Source here.

[Cathy7]

Dear all, truly thank you so much. You gave me food for thought. May I ask you the last question which seems fundamental to me: would you be with someone who doesn't accept NO in your relationship?