I am stuck

[Amillionpieces]

Hello there. I have written here before…

 

 

I am a mess. Unsatisfactory marriage for many years although my husband is excellent, he is kind, he is handsome, he is a great dad, he works hard… You get my point.

 

 

I have been having an affair for almost a year. He and I got hired together at a job… Were not getting work there anymore and we have both managed to get a job at a new location. It is absolutely crazy. I spend all day every day with him. We exchanged Post-it notes. Our sort of little conversation back-and-forth all day long.

 

We take breaks together. We buy each other tea. We make each other tea.

 

He is up for a new job with much better pay. He is talking about leaving our current job. He is married, has a wife, has three kids, and a whole network of life and friends and family that don't include me. I want to be happy for him that he is getting a job with much better pay… We all need more money… Especially with three kids…. I know because I have three kids. I have a husband. This affair has helped spiral me into depression andanxiety. I am now medicated with a high dose of Effexor.

 

I have to to also tell you this. I have been drinking. The Effexor has a side effect of making me very very jittery and shaky. Alcohol helps calm down. What I have found is that I am drinking six beers a night. I should mention I am 100 pound woman. That is way too much and more than I have ever drink in my life but the last few months have been the worst and the best of my life.

 

I love my husband and my family. But I have never loved my husband the way I love this man…

[HeCantBreakMe]

I am so sorry to hear about your situation AMillionpieces. My situation is very similar though my A only lasted 10 months. I am married too and feel/felt that there was no one that would love me the way this man would.

 

We have been NC for almost 10 days now because I got to a point where I just couldn't stand the pain any more. We work together and ate lunches together for the past year. We did everything together and of course he said I was his best friend- that and many other things including talk of a future together. My best advice is to walk away. There came a time for me when the pain of the A was worse then pain of being away from him.

 

I am hurting but it is more of a dull ache rather than a knife to my insides everyday.

[privategal]

Take your verbatim situation...cubicles 15 feet from eachother...lunches every single day...calls, texts, emails all day long desk to desk...he gets a new job...same company...just new building across the street...guess what?

Ghosted. My best friend 2 plus years all day every day, every break, lunch, happy hours...closer than close...dropped me COLD...No warning, no goodbye...dead.

He did come back like 5, 6 months later or so...with an email his grandmother passed.

I forgave that ghosting that BROKE ME...then added 15 YEARS to it.

More of the same over all the years...over for good finally...same...Antidepressants and hurt beyond any pain I imagined could exist.

Your only option is get OUT.

I am not commenting on your marriage.

Address that as you wish but the A needs to go for your health and because it isnt even over yet and your drinking and numbing.

Dont end abuptly, it seems your too fragile to handle a total seperation of AP right now (though that is best)..seek IC right away, maybe go LC and begin to process of ending it. Its a trap and has serious consequences to stay in.

Edited May 29, 2016 by privategal

[HeCantBreakMe]

Take your verbatim situation...cubicles 15 feet from eachother...lunches every single day...calls, texts, emails all day long desk to desk...he gets a new job...same company...just new building across the street...guess what?

Ghosted. My best friend 2 plus years all day every day, every break, lunch, happy hours...closer than close...dropped me COLD...No warning, no goodbye...dead.

He did come back like 5, 6 months later or so...with an email his grandmother passed.

I forgave that ghosting that BROKE ME...then added 15 YEARS to it.

More of the same over all the years...over for good finally...same...Antidepressants and hurt beyond any pain I imagined could exist.

Your only option is get OUT.

I am not commenting on your marriage.

Address that as you wish but the A needs to go for your health and because it isnt even over yet and your drinking and numbing.

Dont end abuptly, it seems your too fragile to handle a total seperation of AP right now (though that is best)..seek IC right away, maybe go LC and begin to process of ending it. Its a trap and has serious consequences to stay in.

 

Oh my gosh! i am so sorry. 15 years of unimaginable pain. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain you have been through. Hugs to you!

[privategal]

Oh my gosh! i am so sorry. 15 years of unimaginable pain. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain you have been through. Hugs to you!

Thank you, its unimaginable but that bond you are forming...little notes, tea, breaks.. This was US verbatim...and you are slowly falling...looking forward to work the next day...we were the SAME. True fun...innocent chemistry...work bestties...one night after a normal chatty few beer after work drink...he walked me across the street and took my hand...he hugged me goodbye and it lasted 20 miinutes he just held on forever.

That was the start of intensifying.

But...it wasnt real. I was out of the clear blue sky dropped many times. In hindsight it was just times when my ego stroke wasnt needed as much...but it haf harmed my self esteem and left huge voids so when he'd come back for 'friendship' EA...he'd always say he'd learned from his mistakes...missed me...it soothed my self esteem...Id eat it up as Id desperately missed the bond and friendship...lather, rinse, repeat.

I dont care to diagnose and pretend Im savvy with all the terms like codependency, etc....I dont know what it was...it looked like REAL love...he professef love daily...every minute...but...its affair love, feels good in the moment, fairlytale, lost in the addiction..we were in DEEP.

BUT...it wrecked me...harmed and consumed me.

This is why I write. To help. To let othet people learn from my mistakes and pain.

I will live, but I wont not speak up now to help other OW/MOW try to get out.

[HeCantBreakMe]

Take your verbatim situation...cubicles 15 feet from eachother...lunches every single day...calls, texts, emails all day long desk to desk...he gets a new job...same company...just new building across the street...guess what?

Ghosted. My best friend 2 plus years all day every day, every break, lunch, happy hours...closer than close...dropped me COLD...No warning, no goodbye...dead.

He did come back like 5, 6 months later or so...with an email his grandmother passed.

I forgave that ghosting that BROKE ME...then added 15 YEARS to it.

More of the same over all the years...over for good finally...same...Antidepressants and hurt beyond any pain I imagined could exist.

Your only option is get OUT.

I am not commenting on your marriage.

Address that as you wish but the A needs to go for your health and because it isnt even over yet and your drinking and numbing.

Dont end abuptly, it seems your too fragile to handle a total seperation of AP right now (though that is best)..seek IC right away, maybe go LC and begin to process of ending it. Its a trap and has serious consequences to stay in.

 

Thank you, its unimaginable but that bond you are forming...little notes, tea, breaks.. This was US verbatim...and you are slowly falling...looking forward to work the next day...we were the SAME. True fun...innocent chemistry...work bestties...one night after a normal chatty few beer after work drink...he walked me across the street and took my hand...he hugged me goodbye and it lasted 20 miinutes he just held on forever.

That was the start of intensifying.

But...it wasnt real. I was out of the clear blue sky dropped many times. In hindsight it was just times when my ego stroke wasnt needed as much...but it haf harmed my self esteem and left huge voids so when he'd come back for 'friendship' EA...he'd always say he'd learned from his mistakes...missed me...it soothed my self esteem...Id eat it up as Id desperately missed the bond and friendship...lather, rinse, repeat.

I dont care to diagnose and pretend Im savvy with all the terms like codependency, etc....I dont know what it was...it looked like REAL love...he professef love daily...every minute...but...its affair love, feels good in the moment, fairlytale, lost in the addiction..we were in DEEP.

BUT...it wrecked me...harmed and consumed me.

This is why I write. To help. To let othet people learn from my mistakes and pain.

I will live, but I wont not speak up now to help other OW/MOW try to get out.

 

Your story is so like mine, and like so many others. Please keep writing. This site is strengthening my resolve. The pain is so incredibly intense in the affair but out of it- it is rather a dull ache. It hurts but it is not all consuming. NC is the way to go. I have to work with my exMM and will see him for the first time next week since I went NC. I worry I may have a panic attack.

 

I will not lather, rinse, repeat like you so greatly put it. I will also NOT continue to stroke his ego. I am rather cute though my insides, right now, are not rather cute I know I stroke his ego and I refuse to continue and allow that and vice versa.

 

Your story is helping! You also sound like an amazing woman I sure hope you find the love you deserve.

[whichwayisup]

This affair has helped spiral me into depression andanxiety. I am now medicated with a high dose of Effexor.

 

This is reason enough to END this affair once and for all, get help and please, stop drinking. You're making yourself sick and your husband isn't stupid he will figure out what is going on behind his back sooner or later.

 

You say you've never loved anybody like you love your MM but I'm betting you DID love your husband that way too, it's just an affair intensifies everything in the heat of the moment, the whole affair dynamic takes over and there's a little world, just you and him, everything is perfect, you both are happy and on a high from the feelings. The thing is, that's not long lasting - If he left his wife and you left your husband chances are the affair turned relationship wouldn't last long because neither of you have experienced (from what you've described) real life issues and tests. You haven't seen him at his worst, haven't had to deal with his family, or him your family etc...

 

Too many innocent people are going to get hurt.

[HeCantBreakMe]

This is reason enough to END this affair once and for all, get help and please, stop drinking. You're making yourself sick and your husband isn't stupid he will figure out what is going on behind his back sooner or later.

 

You say you've never loved anybody like you love your MM but I'm betting you DID love your husband that way too, it's just an affair intensifies everything in the heat of the moment, the whole affair dynamic takes over and there's a little world, just you and him, everything is perfect, you both are happy and on a high from the feelings. The thing is, that's not long lasting - If he left his wife and you left your husband chances are the affair turned relationship wouldn't last long because neither of you have experienced (from what you've described) real life issues and tests. You haven't seen him at his worst, haven't had to deal with his family, or him your family etc...

 

Too many innocent people are going to get hurt.

 

You are so correct. Too many innocent people get hurt. I think when we are in the affair it is hard to see who else is hurting but EVERYONE is hurting. If you have kids they hurt, friendships suffer, marriages suffer, and we are tearing ourselves apart. No one comes out of an affair unscathed and those that love us suffer through this with us. It is literally a black hole.

[loveisanaction]

The fact that affairs can cause a person to drink...go into depression...act irrational...behave crazy...cry everyday....stalk...obsess about the affair partner like a drug addict on crack, teaches me one thing...being intimately involved in a an affair is bad for our health.

 

I wish people wouldn't have affairs...I wish they could see into the future and and see the torment they're about to inflict on themselves.

 

But if wishes were horses....beggars would ride.

[HeCantBreakMe]

The fact that affairs can cause a person to drink...go into depression...act irrational...behave crazy...cry everyday....stalk...obsess about the affair partner like a drug addict on crack, teaches me one thing...being intimately involved in a an affair is bad for our health.

I wish people wouldn't have affairs...I wish they could see into the future and and see the torment they're about to inflict on themselves.

 

But if wishes were horses....beggars would ride.

 

I wish this too! If i could have seen this I never would have done what I did. I would have gone straight into IC and worked on myself. Unfortunately the best we can do is to turn around and run the other way asking for forgiveness from everyone we hurt.

[Robert]

Noting this thread has gotten a little off topic, please stick to the topic and keep posts related to the thread starters situation. Thanks! ~6

[Amillionpieces]

Yesterday his wife found his secret phone. Quick backstory - in Dec he broke his phone, they were fighting a lot and the bill is in her name. She refused to get him a new phone. It drove me crazy not being able to talk to him so we secretly fixed his phone (the account was still active). He's been hiding it since then.

 

 

His kid actually found it. My heart breaks. the kid told his mother he saw it and the mother looks up the account.

 

Phone company tells her the phone is still active

 

Long story short ... Busted.

 

This was yesterday. She tol their kids to the trailer and him and I spent the night together.

 

Then I came home to my husband and children.

 

I'm typing it out to make myself realize how crazy it is.

[Alamo657]

I love my husband and my family. But I have never loved my husband the way I love this man…

 

That's exactly what the WS i was involved with said she felt toward me.

In the end it's not what she felt for me, but rather the fact that someone seemed to love her so passionately that made her high, while her mundane day to day life with her husband was not that exciting.

In the end, althought she left her husband and then left me to play the field so to speak, she deeply regrets having broken her marriage, but has enough narcissism to enjoy the free life of a single woman.

[whichwayisup]

Yesterday his wife found his secret phone. Quick backstory - in Dec he broke his phone, they were fighting a lot and the bill is in her name. She refused to get him a new phone. It drove me crazy not being able to talk to him so we secretly fixed his phone (the account was still active). He's been hiding it since then.

 

 

His kid actually found it. My heart breaks. the kid told his mother he saw it and the mother looks up the account.

 

Phone company tells her the phone is still active

 

Long story short ... Busted.

 

This was yesterday. She tol their kids to the trailer and him and I spent the night together.

 

Then I came home to my husband and children.

 

I'm typing it out to make myself realize how crazy it is.

 

It is crazy. And it's only a matter of time before his wife contacts YOUR husband to tell him about you having an affair with her husband. Maybe it is time for you to confess everything and be honest with your H, that you're not happy and you're not in love with him and a divorce would be best. Your actions show that your marriage is over and you don't love him.

[msoptimistic]

4 years and a round of antidepressants later and we never got any closer to anything "real" than the first day we met. To me, he is every bit addictive as drugs or alcohol. I'm having a terrible time dealing with the one addiction to him, couldnt compound the problem by dealing with multiple dependencies at once. As is often pointed out here, it all boils down to making a decision and sticking to it. And I am not one to talk as I have not made it to the other side yet, but I hope for you that you run, skip, hop or jump in the other direction and take your life back.

My H is a good man but he cant hold a candle to the MM and my vision of him. No man could. Time to rethink and redirect efforts to my M, not MM's M!!!

[Stage5Clinger]

You aren't stuck yet. You will be if you continue down this path. Quit the drinking, drugs, cheating, all of it. Get clean and reassess after a few months when your head is screwed back on tight. Your affair guy is married, maybe even happily married. You have not hit rock bottom yet -- you could still lose your job, your family, your home.

[Amillionpieces]

Well ...

 

My husband found out.

 

He saw a message from me to my friend that was talking about the wife finding the phone.

 

I refuse to give any information but he's saying he won't rest until he finds out who it is.

 

I have him in my ohon under a decoy girs name. He took all the numbers out of my phone with that name and says he's calling them tmr.

 

AP phone will go straight to vm which states his full name.

 

I'm dead.

[imsosad]

You are postponing the inevitable.

I know it scares the ** out of you, but you have got to.sit your husband down and tell him everything.

Lying and witholding at this point will make matters worse.

He knows something is up. Dont let him chase the truth. It is not fair to him.and will only make both of you feel worse.

Coming clean is your only option.

Do you want a divorce?

Do you want to heal your marriage?

It is a chance to have a very frank discussion with your husband, something I am guessing you guys havent done for a while.

I know it's hard. I came clean to my H a few weeks ago. One of the toughest days of my life.

It's the right thing to do.

[privategal]

Why do I think you wanted to get caught?

I think you did as how coincidental all these months lying and sneaking and perfecting hiding the AP you suddenly get caught the day after HIS DD?

I think you hope the sh#$ hits the fan for both of you and your spouses end it for you both and you end up in eachothers arms.

Im not sure how a wife and mother gets away with spending the night away from her family.

But the toxic hurtful mess we all warn ow's and mow's of constantly here...here it is for you.

Now face it and take responsibility.

why lie now?

You wanted this.

[HeCantBreakMe]

Well ...

 

My husband found out.

 

He saw a message from me to my friend that was talking about the wife finding the phone.

 

I refuse to give any information but he's saying he won't rest until he finds out who it is.

 

I have him in my ohon under a decoy girs name. He took all the numbers out of my phone with that name and says he's calling them tmr.

 

AP phone will go straight to vm which states his full name.

 

I'm dead.

 

Oh no! How are you? Please let us know that you are okay.

[loveisanaction]

Well ...

 

My husband found out.

 

He saw a message from me to my friend that was talking about the wife finding the phone.

 

I refuse to give any information but he's saying he won't rest until he finds out who it is.

 

I have him in my ohon under a decoy girs name. He took all the numbers out of my phone with that name and says he's calling them tmr.

 

AP phone will go straight to vm which states his full name.

 

I'm dead.

 

Girl, no disrespect but maybe it's time. You've already had several mini-ddays; isn't it time for this whole double life to end?

 

I'm not sure i understand but why won't you and your affair partner just come clean with your spouses? Anytime one of your spouses come close to finding out about the affair you and your married man take the affair further underground.

 

Is this what you want? To be married and having an affair with a married co-worker?

 

Would this not be an opportunity for the both of you to come clean with your spouses and confess to them that you are in love with other people? Why the continued deceit?

 

How long do you both intend to keep this up?

Edited June 5, 2016 by loveisanaction
Grammatical Error

[What_Did_I_Do]

Oh no. Gawd if only we could turn back time.

 

That's how my xH found out my EA. I tried to trickle truth but he found out everything anyway. How gut-wrenching, soul destroying awful for him. Years later I am still in purgatory over what I did to him - and so I should be. He did not deserve that!!

 

Your AP is doing everything he can to salvage his marriage. You are no longer a factor on his end. Just a horrible mistake (enter very large bus).

 

Your husband has been - or will be - ripped to pieces. Men have a much harder time of forgiving A's than BW's do. Help him through this Million, ease his pain by doing whatever he needs.

[ChickiePops]

Just want to clarify something. When you say you're dead, you don't mean you or your children are in any physical danger, correct?

 

That said, if not, this is for the best (minus the part about his kids being the ones to find the phone..yikes..that is horrific..poor poor kids..I hope they will put them into therapy immediately). Now you and he can get everything out into the open and everyone can begin picking up the pieces.

 

This affair was always going to destroy multiple lives, they always do. It was only a matter of when and how. Now you know..and as bad as things are and as bad as they're going to get, this has to be a bit of a relief. No more sword of Damacles hanging over your head. No more lying. No more sneaking around. You can use this as an opportunity to get your dignity, self respect, and integrity back.

[whichwayisup]

Well ...

 

My husband found out.

 

He saw a message from me to my friend that was talking about the wife finding the phone.

 

I refuse to give any information but he's saying he won't rest until he finds out who it is.

 

I have him in my ohon under a decoy girs name. He took all the numbers out of my phone with that name and says he's calling them tmr.

 

AP phone will go straight to vm which states his full name.

 

I'm dead.

 

Confess all. You're making it MUCH WORSE by denying and protecting your MM.

 

This is about your character and what you're made of. You cheated, had an affair, your H has found out so the best thing you can do is be honest and come clean. Own it.

[whichwayisup]

Just want to clarify something. When you say you're dead, you don't mean you or your children are in any physical danger, correct?

 

That said, if not, this is for the best (minus the part about his kids being the ones to find the phone..yikes..that is horrific..poor poor kids..I hope they will put them into therapy immediately). Now you and he can get everything out into the open and everyone can begin picking up the pieces.

 

This affair was always going to destroy multiple lives, they always do. It was only a matter of when and how. Now you know..and as bad as things are and as bad as they're going to get, this has to be a bit of a relief. No more sword of Damacles hanging over your head. No more lying. No more sneaking around. You can use this as an opportunity to get your dignity, self respect, and integrity back.

 

I'm pretty sure she is using this as an expression, her H isn't going to physically harm her.