knowing you met the wrong person and marrying them. [updated 2016-07-01]

[idiot 274]

So i guess i need to force myself to hang out with people and stay busy???

[Angelica21]

No, you should not force yourself to hang out with people and stay busy.

 

If you need to be alone, and you want to be alone, then figure out a way to accomplish that without letting anyone notice what you're doing.

 

Does the house have more than one bathroom such that you can take a long warm bath or a long hot shower in one bathroom without anyone interrupting?

 

Can you go in a bedroom and pretend that you're reading a book, even if you're really just staring at it and thinking about something else.

 

Can you take a walk, or sit in a chair on the patio, porch or back yard?

 

Can you go the library, to the mall?

[Angelica21]

Hello, again:

 

The issue has nothing to do with whether you should write a letter or shouldn't write a letter. It has nothing to do with whether you should send her a letter or shouldn't send her a letter.

 

There is a normal human reaction that when someone hurts us physically or emotionally, we want them to genuinely feel sorry that they hurt us, and genuinely tell us that they are sorry they hurt us.

 

In many situations, not just divorce, the "hurt-er" is not sorry at all about the harm that they caused to the "hurt-ee". They don't feel sorry, they don't say they are sorry, nobody can make them feel sorry.

 

You need to immediately counsel yourself to stop wishing for her to feel sorry about what she did to you. Counsel yourself to stop wanting to tell her how much she hurt you. She doesn't feel sorry, so she's not going to think it or say it.

 

I speak from experience, because this was the hardest challenge of my divorce. I spent hours and hours of wasted time wanting him to feel sorry, wanting him to say he was sorry, wanting him to care if I was okay, if I was managing. He never ever said he was sorry, because he wasn't sorry! Eventually I understood why I craved to see remorse from him, and why he never felt remorse, and that I had to accept that. I wish I could've understood that sooner than I did.

Edited June 13, 2016 by Angelica21

[idiot 274]

Thank you very much for your advice. Truth is, my mother's shack has poor wiring throughout the place, no ac, and problems with the plumbing so a quick five minute shower is the only thing possible. The only other rooms that aren't being occupied are literally stacked to the ceilings with junk as my mother is a junk horder. I sit outside and my drunk sister will crank music up and come try and hang out with me non stop. I finally snapped and told her that I need alone time so she's kinda mad and not talking to me now. I'm starting my new job today so I'm looking forward to staying busy at work so that will be good. As far as the stbx goes, I know in my heart 200% that it wasn't meant to be and completely realize that she doesn't give crap at all about me. Obviously. the purpose of the letter was to finally get to say something to her as I could never not once express my feelings or even talk to her because everything was all about her. I don't miss her at all anymore and in fact haven't shed one tear since I had to leave. The only feeling I get when she comes to mind is anger. So I know that a letter isn't going to make her feel sorry because she's not. So for once, even at the end of it all I would like to say something to feel better and not feel angry.

[Angelica21]

Best of luck to you with the new job! What work will you be doing there?

 

It takes time to get over a divorce, be kind and patient to yourself.

 

I know several happy stories of people who had a lot of pain and sadness during their divorce, but later met a different person who is perfect for them, and went on to have long and happy second marriages.

 

Also, enjoy the single life for a while, and I don't mean the classic drink-too-much, screw-too-much life. I mean enjoy the peace of mind of being responsible for only yourself, making your own choices, having freedom.

 

P.S. sorry about your family being a source of agitation instead of a source of peace.

 

P.P.S. Too bad you chose the username "idiot 274" because I sure ain't gonna start my message to you as "Dear Idiot"...LOL. What is either your real name, or a nickname or a fake name that I can call you?

 

Wishing you well!

[idiot 274]

Thanks again for the inspiration. I would gladly tell you what type of business I do and my real name if we weren't on here so here's the fake stuff: I work at a hot dog company and my name is Oscar Meyer. I'm okay with just Oscar.

[Angelica21]

LOL I had an actual "laugh out loud" about that, Oscar!! Nice to meet you!

 

I hope your first day on the job went well, and that you found one or more things today that gave you a moment's relief and some peace of mind

Edited June 14, 2016 by Angelica21

[idiot 274]

Nice to meet you. Glad we both got a little chuckle.

[idiot 274]

I don't miss her. I'm glad she's not my problem anymore. I feel sad at times yes, because I took it serious and meant every vow. Can't imagine kissing someone or being intimate right now, but I long for a woman who truly cares and understands the pain to hold my hand and make me feel better. Just to hold my hand in silence nothing more. I've never had that.

[idiot 274]

Had what i thought was a pretty good few days. going on 1 month NC. i am lucky if i get four hours of sleep each night moat of the time its three. Had a very short dream night before last that has had me shook up. Saw her face looking at me and smiling in a beautiful field, she said" cmon, what are we doing? Let's just love each other". Woke up screaming and soaking wet. Just when i think I'm doing pretty good this happened. Been trying to get it out of my head. I'll be okay just sucks that I'm going through this kind of stuff and I know she's not.

[Angelica21]

Hi, Oscar, it's me again. I hope you don't mind that I chime in on every message you post.

 

Ultimately, you will be the most emotionally healthy person possible by experiencing all these feelings, even though they're so unpleasant and uncomfortable.

 

These are all the good things that I see in you, just in the short time we've talked. First of all, you are a person who is capable of loving someone, and when you were married you loved her genuinely and naturally and normally, and did many loving things for her, and felt all those genuine feelings for her. Be proud of yourself that you are a normal person who knows how to love somebody else, and not some wacko with a social anxiety or personality disorder.

 

Then, when she failed to appreciate your love and basically discarded you, you feel angry, sad, hurt, wounded, mourning the loss of a what was probably a happy marriage at one point, wanting it back, wanting her back, etc.

 

Again, feeling sh*tty after a divorce is what normal people feel. At the same time that you're feeling like crap, remember to tell yourself that your angry, hurt and sorrowful feelings show that you are an emotionally healthy person who will eventually get through this.

 

One of the common sayings about recovering from divorce is that it's an "emotional roller coaster" because your feelings good one day and bad the next, you make a little progress toward renewed happiness, then you have a nightmare that sets you back. It's very up and down, not a straight line to recovery at all.

[idiot 274]

Thanks once again for the great advice. you know a lot about divorce, is it from experience or do you work in The legal field?

[Angelica21]

The facts and opinions I know about divorce come from both of the possibilities you mentioned.

 

I learned a lot through my own divorce, which briefly was: found out in January 2006 that husband was having affair and he wanted divorce; divorce process took two years so I was divorced in January 2008; now I've been divorced for 8 years.

 

During my divorce, I became acquainted with a non-profit organization that helps women, including divorcing women, and after my own divorce I've volunteered and worked at the organization in a non-legal, non-counseling role. I've learned a lot as I became familiar with the materials we distribute and the learning sessions we provide,

[idiot 274]

My father died unexpectedly of a massive stroke exactly one month before our wedding. It was probably the most painful thing I've experienced in life so far. If you've read any of my first posts you would understand what kind of person I married. ? The night of the wake at my brother's house she got drunk and started a huge fight with me in front of my immediate family and her soon to be family. It was absolutely horrible. We left and went to our hotel room where we were staying about a block away. We get back to the room and she continues to fight but makes it worse by shredding the shirt i was wearing and physically assaulting me. I left and found a bar around the corner on foot. I was in so much unbearable pain from the loss of my father and to make my pain even worse she did @ his instead of comforting me. I had 1 shot and a beer and smoke and walked back to the hotel room. She was already passed out so i too crashed. Next morning before checking out we had free bagels and juice and went out to the lampost outside to smoke and have coffee. Its been 1 year and five months sice that happened. that's probably one of the most horrific memories I have of her. I decided to face my fear and go visit the place yesterday to make some weird kind of peace with myself. I parked at the hotel and had a smoke at the lamppost, then walked the same path to the bar where I had a shot, a beer, and a smoke. I sat there and thought about that night and how evil and selfish people can be. I'm not scared of driving by the place anymore.

[Mia35]

Hey there Mr. Oscar how are you doing

 

Checking to see how its going

 

my ex has 14 days left to sign and send back the divorce petition and waivers

 

anxiously waiting to see what happens

[idiot 274]

Surviving. It's getting a tiny little bit better each day. So what happens if he doesn't respond? And how are you feeling?

[Mia35]

I am doing just fine and dandy thank you - I really hate his guts and he is in his own country so infact its like it never even happened but if he doesnt sign and send back the papers then my lawyer gets another court date and judge will say ok the divorce is granted or will make us try to serve him again by publi cation in newspaper but i dont forsee that happening considering the circumstances.

 

hoping for the best.

[idiot 274]

Keep your head up,it'll soon be over! Yeah I hate my stbx too, glad I left that town. Have a great day.

[Angelica21]

Hello, there, Oscar!

 

I was glad to see that you said things are getting a tiny bit better every day.

 

Are you liking your new job, is that a positive distraction for you?

 

I like to check in with you because, at my worst, I received a lot of comfort from messaging people on the Internet. It's odd, but it meant a lot to me to know that a few people knew and remembered my story, or had a similar story.

 

Just wanted you to know that I'm hoping for the best for you!

[idiot 274]

Work is good, slaving away at the hot dog factory helps keep my mind off of stuff. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your responses. This forum and you guys are all I really have to get through this. Means alot

[idiot 274]

Not a word for almost40 days. Last night was at a meeting with my divorce support ggroup and my phone starts ringing. I changed my number a month ago and deleted every contact and so calledfriends. I finallyanswered and asked what? She said sorryto bother you nevermind. So she calls me back again and just starts repeatingthe same story about she tried and how it just won'twork. ?? She was drunk i could tell. Shes cryingand then tries to start arguing with me. I hung up and told her that if she doesn't love me and is only calling me to hurt me to leave me the #/$& alone. She is messing with my mind again and now im filled with hatred for her.

[Angelica21]

Oscar,

 

I'm so, so sorry.

 

I hope you pull yourself through this understandable anger quickly, and then return to NC again.

 

Her recent call does not negate the 40 days of NC that you already had, and hopefully you can recover from her recent call quickly.

 

On somebody else's message, I said one time that it seemed like that person's husband had a personality disorder, and several other people here kinda jumped on me and criticized me for saying that.

 

BUT many times the source of a divorce conflict actually is a mental illness in one spouse, and to me it sounds like this might apply to her.

 

Take a quick look over at another message called "To Divorce or Not" originally posted by "Wookin Pa Nub", and take a look at the most recent answer in that message from "Downtown" who writes extensively about Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and see if it might apply to her.

 

If yes, and she might be BPD, I'm not saying that's a reason for you to put up with her s***, but it might be a way to remove so much of the anger you feel about her, if you characterize her awful behavior as symptoms from her disorder rather than an intentional desire to hurt you personally.

[Downtown]

Take a look at the most recent answer in that message from "Downtown" who writes extensively about Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and see if it might apply to her.

Angelica, thanks for the reference. Actually, I suggested in post #2 above that Oscar (aka, Idiot) consider the possibility of his W exhibiting a moderate to strong pattern of BPD symptoms. Specifically, I suggested he take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most apply in his situation.

[Mia35]

Oscar...

 

Store the # she called you from as "DO NOT PICK UP" hahaha or something like that.

 

I hope you were strong and chose to NOT ENGAGE with her. Thats the biggest lesson I have learned from this messed up relationship I was in...

 

is to NOT ENGAGE! Just keep telling yourself... "dont engage,.. dont engage...dont stoop to their level, dont let them run you in circles into the ground.." And that is applicable to any person who try to jerk you around or pull any kind of narcicisstic bs.

 

You can do it friend.. I have faith in you =)

[idiot 274]

Thank you. Nope, I'm not going to play her childish tit for tat game. She really is a sick a twisted trainwreck and i told her so. I also told her that she doesn't see her errors and when she hurts people she gets mad at their reactions to the pain and disrespect she caused. That was the last thing i told her and not to EVER call me again. What a sick mind. She got some kind of ego fix out of that.