Looking for insight on my Current Situation

[eliteco3]

Hello everyone. New to the boards and would like some helpful advice.

 

I met my wife in high school when she was 15 and I was 17. I always though we were loyal to each other and we married years down the road in 2010.

 

I always thought back in 2005 when she was 18 she cheated on me and lied to me. I have asked her a few times a year for the past 10 years what happened with him during that time period. She always denied it and said nothing. She recently finally confessed to having sex with him not once but on two different occasions.

 

I love this woman but am so confused. We have a 2 year old daughter and I feel so betrayed by this even though it was years ago. I fact that I was lied to so many times and went into marrying her not knowing this bothers me greatly. I am not sure if I can live with myself and her knowing that she lied like that to me.

 

I need advice on what to do. I do not know if we will be together long term. I do not feel like i Know the person I married anymore.

Edited May 29, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Bufo]

Weekends, especially holiday weekends tend to be slow here. I dint know why, but that's the way it is.

 

Be patient as you will be getting lots,of advice soon. Many posters have been through what you are facing: a very delayed confession after years of lies.

 

Many have said at the real hurt isn't the betrayal itself but the lies afterwards. They may provide you with useful guidance.

 

There are some rather jaded posters who will advise rapid punitive action. Take what advice fits and ignore the rest.

 

There is no quick fix and nobody here will suggest anything different. You just learned this and WW (wandering wife) has had years to consider what she has done. Because it's new to you, don't let WW (although I guess she was only a girlfriend at that time) tell you to get over it because it was so long ago. The lies weren't so long ago.

 

yiu may get better responses if you can tell us why after all the years and all the lies she decided to come clean. Be prepared for the suggestion that you may now have only a partial truth called TT for trickle truth. And such posters may be correct. They have been there and done that (BTDT) as the saying goes.

 

Check back in as maybe I'm too pessimistic about holiday weekend traffic on this site.

[CarrieT]

I do not know if we will be together long term. I do not feel like i Know the person I married anymore.

I am going to project that you will not be together long-term and you do not know the person you married.

 

I met my wife in high school when she was 15 and I was 17. I always though we were loyal to each other and we married years down the road in 2010.

You guys met a children and expected to be able to handle the changes that occur in each other as you progress into adulthood.

 

Those of us that have been around here for a while and around life for a while understand that EVERYTHING changes in one's life between their 28th and 31st year. Heck, the New Agers call it the "Saturn Return" (feel free to google in). It has been studied and written about here - and we call it Half-Baked Brain Syndrome.

 

Scientifically, the frontal lobes of one's brain are not fully connected until the very late 20s. The nerve cells that connect the frontal lobes with the rest of the brain are sluggish. Until the late 20s, one doesnt' have as much of the fatty coating called myelin, or "white matter," that adults have in this area. It is these factors that enable good decision-making which is why she cheated when she did. Both you are going to change drastically in the next five years and will probably want to date - and marry - other people.

 

In the 1950s, it was known as the Seven Year Itch because people would marry in their early 20s and when they hit their 30s, everything they THOUGHT they wanted changed. It is why so many of us heartily recommend not getting married until the early 30s.

 

The writing is on the wall and you should probably walk away now while you can. You don't know the person you are married to because of how much you have both changed - and will continue to change.

[eliteco3]

Two weeks ago she admitted to staying over at his house back in 2005 and they kissed and he touched her boobs. I am not all innocent here. While we were separated I messed around with a girl to get back at her and told her the next morning out of guilt. She then told me about having sex with him 'one time.' I later met up with the person she cheated on me with and he confirmed it was more than once. It is a huge mess really and so many emotions on my end. Anger, sadness, resentment.

[standtall]

Get over it.

[eliteco3]

Get over it.

 

I wish it was that easy. You would need to be in my shoes to understand. Being lied to for a decade over and over.

[Satu]

I wish it was that easy. You would need to be in my shoes to understand. Being lied to for a decade over and over.

So what do you want?

 

What's your desired outcome?

[CarrieT]

I later met up with the person she cheated on me with and he confirmed it was more than once.

This is what is known as "trickle truth" - thinking that confessing to a smaller portion will soften the blow when the rest of the truth comes out.

 

What you need to be careful of is "hysterical bonding" where you two start having sex to try and latch on to what was and mistakingly creating more children that will only aggravate the situation.

 

The fact that you tried to "get back at her" with some cheating of your own clearly shows that neither of you are committed to your marriage and should just divorce now and wait until you are mature enough to handle a committed relationship.

[eliteco3]

So what do you want?

 

What's your desired outcome?

 

To be able to move on and forgive her. Cannot change the past and such but being lied to like that so many times bugs me. I cannot believe if there have been other men or such when we were dating or married. It is hard for me to believe what she says because of the past lies essentially.

[d0nnivain]

Yes, it would have been better if you knew this back then but you didn't. All you can do is deal with the present reality.

 

 

You will have to find a way to forgive a stupid mistake made a DECADE Ago by a then CHILD who is now your faithful wife & the mother of your child.

 

 

To break up your marriage now over something she did back them seems to be cutting off your nose despite your face.

[desertfunguy]

I know it has to hurt right now. The deed was done a decade ago, and like others have said, you were kids then. Her mistake was telling you at all. I wonder why you kept asking? Most of us go through some crap, and if you believe the statistics most people cheat at some point. Since then you have been together a decade and have had a child. If it was me, I would say: "thanks for finally coming clean, I know this must have been a burden. We have a great life together and so give me some time, but I am going to put this to rest in my mind." I am going to completely put this to rest, as it happened when we could not even buy alcohol, and so we were not even fully mentally developed yet.

 

The move on, and never, not in the most heated moment, mention it again, unless you are in a divorce. If you jump out, you damage your daughter, leave a good thing to die, and rick running right into another mess. People are complex, and rarely do we go through life without doing some horrendous thing to someone we love. Or so it seems.

[Satu]

To be able to move on and forgive her. Cannot change the past and such but being lied to like that so many times bugs me. I cannot believe if there have been other men or such when we were dating or married. It is hard for me to believe what she says because of the past lies essentially.

 

I'd recommend some short-term counselling with a relationships counsellor.

 

Not because there's anything wrong with you - I don't think there is, but to help you put this issue into a perspective that you can live with.

 

I think even 4-6 sessions would be a big help.

 

I do feel for you. You obviously love your wife and daughter, so I think you can work this out.

 

Please don't just sit and brood about it.

 

Get down and wrestle with it.

 

I fully believe that you will be able to move on from this.

 

Keep posting.

 

 

Take care.

[eliteco3]

I know it has to hurt right now. The deed was done a decade ago, and like others have said, you were kids then. Her mistake was telling you at all. I wonder why you kept asking? Most of us go through some crap, and if you believe the statistics most people cheat at some point. Since then you have been together a decade and have had a child. If it was me, I would say: "thanks for finally coming clean, I know this must have been a burden. We have a great life together and so give me some time, but I am going to put this to rest in my mind." I am going to completely put this to rest, as it happened when we could not even buy alcohol, and so we were not even fully mentally developed yet.

 

The move on, and never, not in the most heated moment, mention it again, unless you are in a divorce. If you jump out, you damage your daughter, leave a good thing to die, and rick running right into another mess. People are complex, and rarely do we go through life without doing some horrendous thing to someone we love. Or so it seems.

 

Very true. I believe she kept it from me because she did not want to lose me. I have been there for her the past 5 years in many ways as she has an autoimmune condition that makes easy tasks much more complex. I have only known for two weeks. I kept asking because my intuition said something happened and I was right. I dunno if there were other guys or whatever. I guess it doesn't matter really. Sex seems to be a casual thing on here when people are not married and are young. I do not think all people are perfect and I do not want to be a person that cannot forgive. My best bet is just staying together for a while and seeing how things go. I lost my brother when I was 20 and he was 23 so there are worse things in life than your girlfriend cheating on you with your old friend a few times.

[Mr. Lucky]

While we were separated I messed around with a girl to get back at her and told her the next morning out of guilt.

 

In your mind, how are your actions different - or more honorable - than hers?

 

Mr. Lucky

[eliteco3]

In your mind, how are your actions different - or more honorable - than hers?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

No Different. I tried so hard to get her to confess and she would not confess to anything more than kissing and boob touching. After I told her about what I did she came clean about one time. Later found out it was more than one. Not that it really matters. It is just casual sex and she was young so it doesn't really count as cheating I guess but we were together over 3 years at the time.

[Mr. Lucky]

No Different.

 

Then aren't you concerned she's asking herself the same thing - "How could I ever trust eliteco3 again"?

 

At this point, you'll either build a bridge or a wall. MC would help straighten out the mess you've both created. With a 2-yr old, lots at stake...

 

Mr. Lucky

[eliteco3]

Then aren't you concerned she's asking herself the same thing - "How could I ever trust eliteco3 again"?

 

At this point, you'll either build a bridge or a wall. MC would help straighten out the mess you've both created. With a 2-yr old, lots at stake...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Very good point. I would prefer a bridge at this point. That was the first time I strayed in 14 years with her. I can be loyal but let my emotions get the best of me and tried to get 'even or whatever. Pretty immature.

[eliteco3]

marriage counseling appointment set up this wednesday at 7:30 pm. Will post after to let everyone know about how it went.

[Mr. Lucky]

Good news. Hopefully you're both committed enough to do the work. Keep us posted...

 

Mr. Lucky

[acrosstheuniverse]

Then aren't you concerned she's asking herself the same thing - "How could I ever trust eliteco3 again"?

 

At this point, you'll either build a bridge or a wall. MC would help straighten out the mess you've both created. With a 2-yr old, lots at stake...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

That's interesting that you bring up the OP's actions, from what I can tell (unless I've read the situation wrong) he slept with someone else whilst separated and then confessed the next day. His wife slept with someone else several times while in a three year serious R with him, and then lied for a decade. There's a world of difference, surely?

 

OP I found what you said about how having lost your brother in your early twenties shows you there are worse things in the world than your girlfriend cheating a few times with an old friend, it sounds dangerously like you're rug sweeping or minimising what she's done in order to move past it as fast as possible. If you want to do that then great, but be warned it'll come back and bite you in the ass when more time has passed and you've had more time to comprehend the gravity of what she did... Not just the infidelity, but marrying you knowing she's cheated and then keeping that lie going for years afterwards.

 

I lost my Mom when I was 22 and personally I think being cheated on is worse, one of those things is nature, it's nobody's fault, it sucks but it happens to us all eventually and it couldn't have been prevented. The other is someone who claims to love you purposefully deceiving you and disrespecting you to get their rocks off. I know I found a particularly horrible break up in 2012 more painful and harder to move past than her death, as hard as that was.

 

I wish you all the best. I couldn't look past this or forgive someone but we're all different. Let us know how counselling goes.

[eliteco3]

That's interesting that you bring up the OP's actions, from what I can tell (unless I've read the situation wrong) he slept with someone else whilst separated and then confessed the next day. His wife slept with someone else several times while in a three year serious R with him, and then lied for a decade. There's a world of difference, surely?

 

OP I found what you said about how having lost your brother in your early twenties shows you there are worse things in the world than your girlfriend cheating a few times with an old friend, it sounds dangerously like you're rug sweeping or minimising what she's done in order to move past it as fast as possible. If you want to do that then great, but be warned it'll come back and bite you in the ass when more time has passed and you've had more time to comprehend the gravity of what she did... Not just the infidelity, but marrying you knowing she's cheated and then keeping that lie going for years afterwards.

 

I lost my Mom when I was 22 and personally I think being cheated on is worse, one of those things is nature, it's nobody's fault, it sucks but it happens to us all eventually and it couldn't have been prevented. The other is someone who claims to love you purposefully deceiving you and disrespecting you to get their rocks off. I know I found a particularly horrible break up in 2012 more painful and harder to move past than her death, as hard as that was.

 

I wish you all the best. I couldn't look past this or forgive someone but we're all different. Let us know how counselling goes.

 

While separated I met a girl and we went to a bar then back to my condo. We started to play around a little bit but sex was cut off and I told her let's just go to bed. The next morning I was overcome with guilt and called my wife to talk to her and tell her everything. I essentially could not live with the guilt and had to clear my chest.

 

After I confessed this she admitted to having sex with him 'one' time finally. He was one of my old friends. A big meathead who was the doorman at Tom Fooleries night club. The story is he was going to bring her to her parents house but she did not want to get in trouble so they went back to his place. From there they had sex. There was another time as well where they did. This is all I could get my wife to and he was unsure of a third time. But I feel like there probably was. My wife told me 'it was a one time thing and I was young and all of that.' Then I find out it was more than once. She must not have felt that bad to go and do it again.

 

We were very much in love and spent everyday together from when she was 15 until 18-19 when she cheated. I always wondered about the cheating because a girl I went to high school with told me she was all over him and making out at the night club. She was an incredibly jealous girlfriend who did not even like me talking to other girls when we were younger. One time in 2004 a girl was in her bra and panties drunk in my bed and I told her to go home. Not trying to paint myself as the perfect boyfriend but I was loyal to her and thought we shared that with each other.

 

I am finding it EXTREMELY difficult moving on from this and just sweeping it under the rug. You have to realize I wondered about her actions for years and asked her what happened with him back then. Her words were always a strong no nothing happened. To be stone cold lied to your face that many times and then find out the truth has left some serious scars I am not sure can heal.

 

Losing my brother was the toughest event for me to go through in my life. It took time to heal and has gotten better. I am not really getting anywhere with this and maybe a fresh start will be best for both of us.

[Mr. Lucky]

That's interesting that you bring up the OP's actions, from what I can tell (unless I've read the situation wrong) he slept with someone else whilst separated and then confessed the next day. His wife slept with someone else several times while in a three year serious R with him, and then lied for a decade. There's a world of difference, surely?

 

I think hindsight is always 20/20. Since I doubt the OP's separation discussion included "let's run out and sleep with other people", I'd offer they've both crossed boundaries, her as a child and him as a considered adult. I'll let others comparatively rank the indiscretions.

 

eliteco3, relationship-wise somewhat of a mess. Given you have a child and a history together, I hope counseling brings progress...

 

Mr. Lucky

[eliteco3]

no that was never in the discussion. I was wrong to do what I did even if I just wanted to get a confession out of her. I got it but not sure if it helps all that much. Hopefully, the counselor has some good advice for us. A lot of people say counseling is a waste of time but I would like to see for myself.

[turnera]

Set up a polygraph visit. Not for the results so much as the stress it will put her through and any possible parking lot confessions.

[eliteco3]

Set up a polygraph visit. Not for the results so much as the stress it will put her through and any possible parking lot confessions.

 

That is a very good idea. I may try this out. But would it matter if it was more than one guy that much? I mean it would make a difference but the damage is done.