turnera Posted June 1, 2016 Share Posted June 1, 2016 Polygraphs are usually advised so that you can pressure the cheater, make life complicated for them, so they can start understanding how painful this all is. Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted June 1, 2016 Share Posted June 1, 2016 So this is about punishment and attitude adjustment? Link to post Share on other sites
Author eliteco3 Posted June 1, 2016 Author Share Posted June 1, 2016 So this is about punishment and attitude adjustment? It is about whether or not I can get past this and just accept it. Hard to do after asking her every year a few times because I suspected and being lied to. Link to post Share on other sites
gemini6 Posted June 1, 2016 Share Posted June 1, 2016 (edited) Why do you keep asking? Are you two prone to bringing up the past every time you argue? Of course she lied. She was afraid to tell you the truth, afraid you would react the way you are reacting now - she cheated when she was 18, 10 years ago? I'm sorry, I know it sucks BUT it was 10 years ago AND people do a lot of growing, maturing and changing in 10 years - is she still the same immature person she was back then? or have you both grown and matured? Do you want to be with her enough to forgive her and move on or do you want to use this opportunity to bolt? Look, being with the same person for decades is NOT easy, it gets boring - it gets routine, it gets mundane. They drive you frickin nuts with their quirks and annoy the crap out of you BUT I can tell you that after the "newness" of someone new wears off - it's the same again....so, ask yourself - are YOU just itching for something new? and maybe trying to use this as an excuse? If you can't get past it - move on. You guys are young and tied yourselves down at an early age - you're probably both feeling the "7 year itch" She told you she had sex "one time" and you got past that? or you never did really forgive her? Once, twice - I know, it's the lying, right - well, like I said of course she lied, she was afraid - does that make her a horrible person because she was afraid? Again, if you really got past it - why do you keep asking?? Has she done anything other than that in the last 10 years? Is she good to you, a good mom? Was it a terrible mistake that she is remorseful for? and you just keep bringing it up, or is she uncaring of her actions and telling you to get over it? I mean really, if you are going to have a relationship with her - you have to let it go - if you can't, then divorce her. Edited June 1, 2016 by gemini6 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted June 1, 2016 Share Posted June 1, 2016 To me, the polygraph serves two purposes. It gives the betrayed spouse a chance to hear more of the truth or see if they're still being lied to, and it gives the cheater a chance to feel some of the horror their partner is going through, to see the enormity, to possibly feel real emotions and maybe see what they've put their spouse through. One thing I see all the time is that the cheater just doesn't 'get it,' doesn't understand why the betrayed spouse is so upset. This - as well as making the cheater admit to the parents what they did - are the only things I've seen that come close. Link to post Share on other sites
Author eliteco3 Posted June 1, 2016 Author Share Posted June 1, 2016 Why do you keep asking? Are you two prone to bringing up the past every time you argue? Of course she lied. She was afraid to tell you the truth, afraid you would react the way you are reacting now - she cheated when she was 18, 10 years ago? I'm sorry, I know it sucks BUT it was 10 years ago AND people do a lot of growing, maturing and changing in 10 years - is she still the same immature person she was back then? or have you both grown and matured? Do you want to be with her enough to forgive her and move on or do you want to use this opportunity to bolt? Look, being with the same person for decades is NOT easy, it gets boring - it gets routine, it gets mundane. They drive you frickin nuts with their quirks and annoy the crap out of you BUT I can tell you that after the "newness" of someone new wears off - it's the same again....so, ask yourself - are YOU just itching for something new? and maybe trying to use this as an excuse? If you can't get past it - move on. You guys are young and tied yourselves down at an early age - you're probably both feeling the "7 year itch" She told you she had sex "one time" and you got past that? or you never did really forgive her? Once, twice - I know, it's the lying, right - well, like I said of course she lied, she was afraid - does that make her a horrible person because she was afraid? Again, if you really got past it - why do you keep asking?? Has she done anything other than that in the last 10 years? Is she good to you, a good mom? Was it a terrible mistake that she is remorseful for? and you just keep bringing it up, or is she uncaring of her actions and telling you to get over it? I mean really, if you are going to have a relationship with her - you have to let it go - if you can't, then divorce her. I stopped asking her after I met with the person she cheated on me with. I wanted closure. For me, it is hard to feel the same way for a person after something like this. I get it she was young, drunk, immature, yada yada yada. Those are just excuses for actions. When you decide to take an action sometimes there are consequences. Many men would let it slide and just move on. Her mom thinks it is 'crazy' I am upset about something so long ago. It doesn't really matter how others think how I feel. I can only control how I feel and it bothers me. Because of our long history I would like to try counseling and see if that helps. We have a child so running off and finding a new women is a bit of a brash decision. This may take some time: months to make the right decision. I suspect there were other men though and maybe after we were married that I am not being clued in on. I would never know though because I think she is guarded off enough now to not share anything else. I cannot accuse her if I do not have proof. She would have to come forth on that. Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted June 2, 2016 Share Posted June 2, 2016 and it gives the cheater a chance to feel some of the horror their partner is going through, . That doesn't seem like being very constructive way to move forward with ones spouse. It sounds like petty, vengeful punishment. Don't get mad get even. I would say these kinds of posts are to encourage people looking for help to set their marriage on fire. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted June 2, 2016 Share Posted June 2, 2016 That doesn't seem like being very constructive way to move forward with ones spouse. It sounds like petty, vengeful punishment. Don't get mad get even. I would say these kinds of posts are to encourage people looking for help to set their marriage on fire. You're completely misunderstanding. It's basic psychology. We do what feels good, we avoid what feels bad, and we learn from what makes us feel really bad. Link to post Share on other sites
Author eliteco3 Posted June 2, 2016 Author Share Posted June 2, 2016 The session went ok tonight. It lasted about an hour and we came away with the conclusion that my wife needs to stop saying I am sorry. I need to be able to feel my emotions and let them sink in without worrying or listening to other people's opinions on the matter. I do appreciate all the input on this board. We will try a couple more sessions and just give it time. I am not sure what the future will bring for us. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TennisGal Posted June 9, 2016 Share Posted June 9, 2016 "I have asked her a few times a year for the past 10 years what happened with him during that time period." You might think about why you asked her 30 or 40 times over a decade (a few times a year for 10 years, you said) if your goal was going to be to put it behind you. So, you are morally superior to her. She is in the defensive position. Is that what you were looking for? If not, why did you badger her about it for a decade and then say you want to put it behind you? What kind of "closure" did you think you would get? Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted June 9, 2016 Share Posted June 9, 2016 To be able to move on and forgive her. Cannot change the past and such but being lied to like that so many times bugs me. I cannot believe if there have been other men or such when we were dating or married. It is hard for me to believe what she says because of the past lies essentially. E....Does she want you to be able to recover? Where does she stand on this topic? What does she say / do to help you heal and recover from this blow? Link to post Share on other sites
Author eliteco3 Posted June 12, 2016 Author Share Posted June 12, 2016 "I have asked her a few times a year for the past 10 years what happened with him during that time period." You might think about why you asked her 30 or 40 times over a decade (a few times a year for 10 years, you said) if your goal was going to be to put it behind you. So, you are morally superior to her. She is in the defensive position. Is that what you were looking for? If not, why did you badger her about it for a decade and then say you want to put it behind you? What kind of "closure" did you think you would get? I always wondered. My intuition just told me something happened and she was lying to me. It is hard to explain but true. I am not morally superior to her. I have made many mistakes in our relationship. I have only had the truth for a month now and it is still pretty raw. We have a very young daughter so I just need time to process everything before any rash decisions. Her wound is also raw too with what I did to get back at her. It is a mess but there is hope. Hard to feel the same way about someone after the dagger to the heart though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author eliteco3 Posted June 19, 2016 Author Share Posted June 19, 2016 The past is the past. We have agreed to disagree on what she did all those years ago and what I did last month. I will never know why she did that when she was 18. Could any women on here clue me into why someone does that to someone they love? The 'i was drunk' excuse seems lame to me. I know why she kept it from me because i may have decided to leave her if she told me. That makes sense. It is hard to stomach to this day but maybe it is just because I care so deeply for my wife. I would rather feel pain in this life than nothing at all. You have to really go out of your way to cheat. It doesn't just happen in my opinion. So if we want to move forward and have another child I will have to just accept her actions and be willing to move on. Opinions? Link to post Share on other sites
not-so-sure Posted June 19, 2016 Share Posted June 19, 2016 People do what they do at 18 because they really don't have a clue. Bad choice and bad choice to cover it up but when all is said and done, you're talking about a time in ones life where you're just barely out of childhood. Link to post Share on other sites
Angelica21 Posted June 19, 2016 Share Posted June 19, 2016 Eliteco3: Your situation with your wife is 100% fixable, and you still have the possibility for a full, happy, genuine, wonderful marriage. Both you and your wife have the potential to feel guilt-free, anger-free, happy, loving, grateful and joyful. Start TODAY to do and say happy, loving things to your wife and daughter. Spend time together doing joyful, fun things. You have a right to feel your own real, genuine feelings, but currently those feelings are all negative. You don't yet have pure and complete forgiveness, pure and complete peace of mind. That is your goal: get some very intensive individual counseling to focus on anger and forgiveness. Try saying this to your wife, in your own words "I love you and our daughter, and I'm 100% committed to making all three of us happy again together. I'm having a hard time with my own thoughts right now, but give me some time and I'll work work hard via therapy to replace my negative thoughts with genuine forgiveness and peace of mind. While I'm working toward this, I promise that I will not leave you. So both of us can relax and live a peaceful daily life without worrying about a catastrophic future." You asked for opinions, here's mine: you do have a right to feel your genuine thoughts and feelings, but your current genuine thoughts and feelings are rigid, ruminating, negative, unforgiving. You are sort of a black-and-white, right-and-wrong thinker. Your very own thoughts are not in your own best interests! The solution to that is not to deny your genuine thoughts and feelings. The solution is to examine them and change them via counseling. Again, my opinion: you need to morally and ethically relax and chill about her mistakes made and your mistake made and what those mistakes "mean". They don't mean anything, they were just mistakes. Forgive genuinely. Sometimes moral issues such as infidelity or untruthfulness are very big deals, and the quantity or depth of the infidelity or untruthfulness are so big that it can't be overlooked. THAT IS NOT YOUR SITUATION. Her original infidelity was trivial, thoughtless, she was only 18. Your recent infidelity was trivial, thoughtless, you were hurt and wanted to hurt back. Both infidelities can be forgiven, they are not signs of a huge infidelity problem. She lied about that one thing because she didn't want to hurt you and lose you. That's not the same as chronic untruthfulness about multiple affairs. Don't throw your marriage away because of your own rigid and obsessive thinking. Get some individual counseling, love your wife, love your daughter, and have a happy life together!! Link to post Share on other sites
Angelica21 Posted June 19, 2016 Share Posted June 19, 2016 P.S. the boy she cheated with at age 18 who later, now a man, told you that it was more than one time: he is the worst person of all. What a thoughtless, selfish a**hole to throw her under the bus like that. Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted June 19, 2016 Share Posted June 19, 2016 I am not all innocent here. While we were separated I messed around with a girl to get back at her and told her the next morning out of guilt. She then told me about having sex with him 'one time.' I later met up with the person she cheated on me with and he confirmed it was more than once. It is a huge mess really and so many emotions on my end. Anger, sadness, resentment. Who are you trying to convince with this bullsh*t story that you told her the next day due to your 'guilt?' You said it YOURSELF - you screwed around with someone else to 'get back' at her. So your confession the next morning was NOT due to 'guilt,' but to shove it in her face since you knew something was up with her and the other guy. You're trying to paint yourself as some holier than thou 'good' person who altruistically confessed to her out of guilt when the truth is, you told her about it because you wanted to stick it to her and you know it. It had nothing to DO with guilt. I'm not saying what she did back then was any better or worse - I'm just saying you're trying to paint yourself as the better person for having 'confessed out of guilt' and paint her as the evil witch for not having confessed the whole truth back then. Get down off your high horse. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted June 19, 2016 Share Posted June 19, 2016 I don't get that Lois, I see him as someone that just found out about what really happened all those years ago. His issue is he knew in his heart that she had. Part of his problem is he is questioning himself for his decision to marry her knowing this but not knowing. Like a person that got an STD that was dormant for a decade, he didn't have to deal with the fallout when it happened, those suggesting that he should get over it because it was so long ago aren't being fair. Link to post Share on other sites
Angelica21 Posted June 19, 2016 Share Posted June 19, 2016 (edited) Lois, DKT3 and op eliteco: In my opinion, people aren't simply saying "get over it" because it was a long time ago. People are encouraging you, eliteco, to evaluate what you have now (a wife, a child, and the potential to save the marriage and have a genuine happy marriage), and evaluate whether you want to lose that because of an inability to forgive. Everyone is entitled to feel sad, painful and angry if someone hurts them. But emotionally healthy people evaluate the situation, feel the sadness, pain and anger for a little while, and then they genuinely forgive for many different reasons, one reason being when they realize that forgiveness is in their own best interests. Emotionally un-healthy people shoot themselves in the foot, and give up a lot of things that are important to them, things that make their life happy and fulfilling, by holding on to anger, ruminating about the past, and by standing on principle of right/wrong or good/bad and not working hard enough to feel forgiveness. Eliteco, you said "I'd rather feel pain than feel nothing" but better to say "I'm going to return to happiness and peace of mind". Eliteco, please try to describe how you predict your future life will be if you divorce your wife soon. Will you be a happier person? Will you meet and marry a better soul-mate, a better woman? Will you be okay as a part-time dad to your daughter? I wouldn't think so, and I encourage you to picture that as you search now in your heart for forgiveness. Edited June 19, 2016 by Angelica21 Link to post Share on other sites
Author eliteco3 Posted June 20, 2016 Author Share Posted June 20, 2016 Eliteco3: Your situation with your wife is 100% fixable, and you still have the possibility for a full, happy, genuine, wonderful marriage. Both you and your wife have the potential to feel guilt-free, anger-free, happy, loving, grateful and joyful. Start TODAY to do and say happy, loving things to your wife and daughter. Spend time together doing joyful, fun things. You have a right to feel your own real, genuine feelings, but currently those feelings are all negative. You don't yet have pure and complete forgiveness, pure and complete peace of mind. That is your goal: get some very intensive individual counseling to focus on anger and forgiveness. Try saying this to your wife, in your own words "I love you and our daughter, and I'm 100% committed to making all three of us happy again together. I'm having a hard time with my own thoughts right now, but give me some time and I'll work work hard via therapy to replace my negative thoughts with genuine forgiveness and peace of mind. While I'm working toward this, I promise that I will not leave you. So both of us can relax and live a peaceful daily life without worrying about a catastrophic future." You asked for opinions, here's mine: you do have a right to feel your genuine thoughts and feelings, but your current genuine thoughts and feelings are rigid, ruminating, negative, unforgiving. You are sort of a black-and-white, right-and-wrong thinker. Your very own thoughts are not in your own best interests! The solution to that is not to deny your genuine thoughts and feelings. The solution is to examine them and change them via counseling. Again, my opinion: you need to morally and ethically relax and chill about her mistakes made and your mistake made and what those mistakes "mean". They don't mean anything, they were just mistakes. Forgive genuinely. Sometimes moral issues such as infidelity or untruthfulness are very big deals, and the quantity or depth of the infidelity or untruthfulness are so big that it can't be overlooked. THAT IS NOT YOUR SITUATION. Her original infidelity was trivial, thoughtless, she was only 18. Your recent infidelity was trivial, thoughtless, you were hurt and wanted to hurt back. Both infidelities can be forgiven, they are not signs of a huge infidelity problem. She lied about that one thing because she didn't want to hurt you and lose you. That's not the same as chronic untruthfulness about multiple affairs. Don't throw your marriage away because of your own rigid and obsessive thinking. Get some individual counseling, love your wife, love your daughter, and have a happy life together!! This is the best advice I have heard or read on my situation. Thank you so much and I will use this to better our life. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted June 20, 2016 Share Posted June 20, 2016 P.S. the boy she cheated with at age 18 who later, now a man, told you that it was more than one time: he is the worst person of all. What a thoughtless, selfish a**hole to throw her under the bus like that. More lying never solves anything. Link to post Share on other sites
Author eliteco3 Posted June 20, 2016 Author Share Posted June 20, 2016 Who are you trying to convince with this bullsh*t story that you told her the next day due to your 'guilt?' You said it YOURSELF - you screwed around with someone else to 'get back' at her. So your confession the next morning was NOT due to 'guilt,' but to shove it in her face since you knew something was up with her and the other guy. You're trying to paint yourself as some holier than thou 'good' person who altruistically confessed to her out of guilt when the truth is, you told her about it because you wanted to stick it to her and you know it. It had nothing to DO with guilt. I'm not saying what she did back then was any better or worse - I'm just saying you're trying to paint yourself as the better person for having 'confessed out of guilt' and paint her as the evil witch for not having confessed the whole truth back then. Get down off your high horse. No. It was never about throwing it in her face. I felt guilty. Never done anything like that to her in 14 years. Had to get it off my best and clean my slate. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 20, 2016 Share Posted June 20, 2016 Had to get it off my best and clean my slate. That's a pretty simplified approach to the concept of remorse and forgiveness. If only it were that easy... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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