Why don't women write more engaging first emails..

[BikerAccnt]

Ok, so I'm back in the dating world and out on OLD. And I have a question about why it seems that women don't follow the same "rules" we men are supposed to follow concerning a first message.

 

I suppose I've been lucky, I've been getting a fair amount of messages (probably my age group) myself along with me sending some out. No meets yet, once later this week but... anyway.

 

Generally when I write someone I try to engage in a conversation, ask a question, pick something out of the profile, probe a bit. You know...talk. Not a rambling letter, just a short paragraph or so.

 

Why, when I get a message, aside from one woman, they always a generic how are you type of thing and something I really can't answer to. Or, won't bother to answer because they've not asked a real question. I can see they veiwed my profile, and obviously are interested enough to send me a note, but they don't mention a thing in it?

 

Is this what it's like for you ladies? Do you really get a lot of generic messages with no "meat" to them? Or, and this will probably sound bad, is it because you don't really need to expend much effort to have someone write you back?

 

For example, I received a message this morning from an attractive woman who's a bit outside the mileage area I'd prefer considering I already spend over an hour a day commuting. I'd consider it though if she had written anything I could answer.

 

All she said was, Hi, my name is.....Hope you are enjoying the long weekend.

 

What am I supposed to say, yes I am, thanks.

 

I guess I'm just really surprised at the poor quality of what I get, from all types of women, as opposed to what I usually send out.

 

Is this unusual, or more like the norm?

[phineas]

The norm.

Who cares, you got womenz messaging you online.

WINNING!

 

The ones who actually type a few words are the one's I concentrate on because they usually end up non-boring and want to meet.

[Lois_Griffin]

The honest reason is because they don't have to. They've got tons of messages coming in and tons of choices from which to choose.

 

I used to ignore those lame messages, such as, "Hi, my name is Matt. Hope you're having a good day." Umm, ok. But sometimes, I'd lob the ball right back into his court and reply, "Hi, I am, thanks. I hope you're having a good day as well." Purposely giving him nothing to work with, like he'd given me.

[BaileyB]

Well, I'm a woman and I think a reply like that is pointless too. I always make sure to send a little information to start a conversation and I can tell you that I've had exactly the same experice you have had from men. I think it's the name of the game... So many people, lots of choice, nobody is really investing in anyone (particularly when you have had e experience of investing your time only to have the other people flake off). Online dating sucks, IMHO.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Well, I'm a woman and I think a reply like that is pointless too. I always make sure to send a little information to start a conversation and I can tell you that I've had exactly the same experice you have had from men. I think it's the name of the game... So many people, lots of choice, nobody is really investing in anyone (particularly when you have had e experience of investing your time only to have the other people flake off). Online dating sucks, IMHO.

 

I think it's because people, esp. men, get tired of investing to much time in initial emails and have demoted themselves to short "Hi, how's it going, saw your profile, care to chat?" - type emails.

 

That way, they didn't invest too much in the first go-around, it becomes an attempt to see if they can get the woman to respond at first, then if they do...THEN you can get a bit informative.

 

Seems only fair.

[BikerAccnt]

Baily,

Online dating may suck, but when you get to be my age, 55, your circle of friends has shrunk, and if there was anyone I knew offline I wanted to date, I already would have asked them

 

I guess I'm surprised because I'm sure the women who are emailing me, have had their share of lame messages they ignored just because they were lame, so I really would think they would know better than to send out the same.

[central]

Women usually don't need to initiate, so some may feel that ANY expression of interest they make is plenty. The smart ones - the ones I'd actually be interested in - manage to say something interesting, or even better, ask a question that's relevant. The smart ones tend to actively look for the kind of person they want, and don't just wait for someone decent to find them.

 

The messages that just say "Hi" may not get a response or just a "Hi" back, but occasionally I'll ask a question if I think there's any potential. If the response to the latter doesn't include a question or useful information, I'll move on because they're too lazy or stupid to have a conversation and won't interest me in person.

[Art_Critic]

IMO, the email the OP got was the female equivalent of the "wink" since the wink never works

 

She poked you and said I'm interested but I won't initiate, the ball is now in your court, easy peasy

[xxoo]

It's likely the online version of a woman smiling in a man's direction and twirling her hair IRL. She's indicating interest. If you wish to pursue, that's up to you. Many will.

[BikerAccnt]

IMO, the email the OP got was the female equivalent of the "wink" since the wink never works

 

She poked you and said I'm interested but I won't initiate, the ball is now in your court, easy peasy

 

Oh I realize that's what it is, still I find it interesting that we men are expected to operate on a different level dating email wise. Same as RL I suppose

[xxoo]

Oh I realize that's what it is, still I find it interesting that we men are expected to operate on a different level dating email wise. Same as RL I suppose

 

It's a common preference, but I doubt there is any expectation attached. She's looking for a man who shares her preference.

[insert_name]

Because they don't have to.

 

[/end thread]

 

Okay so I am being flippant but there is a grain of truth in that statement all the same.

 

Women are very fortunate in a sense because they can play a passive role in the dating game. Everything they do is all about minimising risk. So on the rare occasion they do decide to take fate into their own hands and actually be the one to initiate they won't read your profile and craft something tailored to you like they expect you to do for them, no you get a very timid 'Hi' that equates to a lot of eye contact in a bar. If you pressed the girl in question she would probably even say that the 'hi' was meant for someone else! Plausible deniability and damage limitation at every turn.

 

If that is the way it is then fine, just it seems to be the case that women overwhelmingly want confident assertive men and so they will judge men accordingly by a standard that they are often unable to live up to themselves.

[xxoo]

Women can be confident and assertive That's not the issue.

 

It's true that many women are attracted to confidence and assertiveness in men. So she gives him the opportunity to show those traits. It's not an expectation, just an opportunity. If you don't want to, don't! It's fine. Just as it is fine that she is choosing not to show assertiveness.

 

Quite obviously, if neither is willing to show assertiveness, it's not going to go anywhere. No one's fault, just not enough interest on either side.

[Emilia]

When I did OLD, the vast majority of messages were a shorter/ruder version of that lady's first email. It's partly because they probably send out quite a few and partly because they are likely to be sending it on an app, maybe sitting on a train or on a break at work or whatever.

 

If you like her profile, respond, if not then move on.

[insert_name]

Women can be confident and assertive That's not the issue.

 

It's true that many women are attracted to confidence and assertiveness in men. So she gives him the opportunity to show those traits. It's not an expectation, just an opportunity. If you don't want to, don't! It's fine. Just as it is fine that she is choosing not to show assertiveness.

 

Quite obviously, if neither is willing to show assertiveness, it's not going to go anywhere. No one's fault, just not enough interest on either side.

 

Exactly, the onus is always on the man to take the initiative. Yet all the time I hear that women have it harder in dating...

[BaileyB]

Women can be very assertive and go after what they want, no doubt that is a great thing. And yes, a smart woman will search for the kind of parter she wants to meet, not just sit passively and wait for a man to express interest. I feel like men (and probably women) go fishing and send out a very generic first email to see if they get any interest. It's just the way it works. Anyone who has ever attempted to date online has fielded a variety of strange requests and interactions. And yes, as we get older it so much harder to meet people, thus online is sometimes one way to meet new people. It's just unfortunate that you have to weed through so many to find the chosen few you would consider meeting.

[phineas]

When I did OLD, the vast majority of messages were a shorter/ruder version of that lady's first email. It's partly because they probably send out quite a few and partly because they are likely to be sending it on an app, maybe sitting on a train or on a break at work or whatever.

 

If you like her profile, respond, if not then move on.

 

Exactly.

Do people want to meet someone online or not?

 

If you are going to disqualify someone you find attractive and has the same interests as you just because they didn't send you a paragraph telling you how awesome your profile (that is probably 75% BS) is?

 

If so then you deserve to be single & should probably just get off the website altogether.

[Philosopher]

Like the OP, almost all the messages I get from women are very short messages such as "Hi" or "How are you today" with no real meat to them.

 

I think the reason for this is that in general for women these messages probably work, whereas for men they probably will not. If it works, then why put in more effort than you need to.

 

From what I have read the average women receives considerably more initial messages than a guy would. So a women may receive several first messages a day while a guy might be lucky if he gets one a week. As men generally receive so few messages, even very short and simple messages are likely to result in the guy checking out her profile. The guy will think, hey she messaged me, therefore she must be interested, I can message her knowing there is a very good chance she will reply.

 

However if a guy sends out a simple "How are you" message it will be probably be ignored as it is likely that there will be other men whom have sent more interesting and engaging first messages to her that day. She is likely to view simple "how are you" messages as lame and not really making an effort. Instead she will reply to someone whom seems to be actually making an effort.

[Emilia]

I think people need to spend less time theorising over intentions they have no way of verifying and decide whether they want to date or not.

[losangelena]

I think people need to spend less time theorising over intentions they have no way of verifying and decide whether they want to date or not.

 

Yes, exactly.

 

 

So much generalizing in this thread. The bottom line OP, is whether or not you're interested in pursuing the kind of woman who sends these types of messages. No? Then don't! That's the beauty of OLD. The options are so plentiful and varied, that you can sort through them based on YOUR preference.

 

I know I would be very skeptical of a man who emailed me with such a lame opening message. When I did OLD, I was very conscientious, when sending an opening message, to elaborate and give the guy something to respond to (what a unicorn!). I expected that in kind.

 

As Emilia said, there is no real way of knowing why women do this. Maybe because they can and it's "easy," but I for one find that kind of messaging boring. Why extend such little effort? Dating is like anything else—you get out what you put in. Maybe they send short messages because they're used to getting such thoughtless messages from men, and they think it'll work. Maybe online communication is getting so brief that it's all they think others will have the attention span to follow. Who knows!

 

Like I said, if the woman appeals to you, say something back; pick up the ball and run with it. If the woman or the message is unappealing, then ignore and move on. Seems simple to me.

[edgygirl]

Online dating has its phases... I hate them all haha.

 

1. You write and try to convince a woman you're interesting and worth responding. We do get 100+ messages/likes per week, so we are picky. "Hello gorgeous" won't get you anywhere. Next. Write one phrase, but that is witty and has to do with something you found out about her by the profile.

 

2. If you woo her and you meet... chemistry still needs to be there.

 

3. If chemistry is there and you keep meeting...

 

4. The woman will want commitment at some point... while you will most likely doubt it, fight it, overthink it.

 

See? We have the advantage at phase 1, but you guys have it at phase 4. Equally annoying!

[Shining One]

See? We have the advantage at phase 1, but you guys have it at phase 4. Equally annoying!

The majority of women have the advantage at phase 1. Only the men who make it to phase 4 have the advantage. What advantage do all of the men you eliminated in phases 1-3 have?