Life is Complicated isn't it?

[Lady Muse]

In late 2013, I met someone online. We were both in rough circumstances, desperately unhappy and lost people. It started as just chat, then out for coffee and then we became lovers. That click when you sometimes meet someone was there from the first moment we met.

 

He was the one that picked me up after getting out of a horrorshow of a marriage and made me feel like I was actually worthy something. I did the same for him. He was honest in where his life was, no matter how bad it got at home, he was terrified to leave because he wouldn't be the one putting his kids to bed every night...they truly are his life.

 

We had an amazing 16 months of love and laughter, I will never regret it. We were friends, truly friends and we were good for each other, I still only want what is best for him and for him to be happy. He wanted out so badly, he wanted us, I did too, but I also know, we have to do things in our own time, our own way and for our own reasons.

 

He would have left everything for me, i know this, and i also know that the guilt he had would have driven us apart. On Dec 31 2014 we met and exchanged Christmas presents, we made love and we talked. I told him that I loved him, would always be his friend, and would even stand beside him and hold his hand while he stood at this crossroads and finally take that step onto a new road.

 

I broke my own heart, I broke his and OMG, the fights we had for months, he was so angry and defensive at me because he had never let anyone in like that before. Things eventually settled down and we would have random chats. he said he was going to try everything in his power to make a go of his marriage.

 

A year and a half later, we still talk. If he thought his marriage was bad before, there is nothing left of it now. He says meeting me taught him that he is worth more than a paycheque and having wants and desires does not make him a deviant.

 

In the last couple of months or so, we have slowly started having real conversations. He has told me that he understands me stepping back, and while it hurt him, it also gave him the chance to really see if his life was nothing more than an outward show.

 

We have had coffee 2x in all this time, and I have missed him so much. I've moved on, got my divorce, built a good life for myself. Bloody hell, this is the first time I have ever written it all out.

 

We met for coffee on Friday and for the first time since I stepped back, we both really opened up to each other and talked...about everything. It ended in a kiss. If I had ever wondered if that spark was still there, well it is and I'm honestly surprised we stopped there.

 

He has a plan in place. He says there is getting out and then there is getting out the smart way. He isn't asking me to wait fr him, he said he has no right, but he wants to know that I am still his friend and will still hold his hand as he takes that step. And also, he will understand if I can't.

 

I know even after all this time, I am still in love with him, and he with me.

 

I am sure this is like every other story out there, but this one is mine, my pain and also my happiness.

 

Thanks for reading.

[HeCantBreakMe]

Hi Lady Muse,

 

Thank you for sharing your story. I know how painful it is to put it out there for others to see and read- to comment. It is your pain, your journey and your walk but so many of us on here can understand what you are going through and give you words of encouragement.

 

I have been through much of what you have though I am still married and so is he. He said he was going to leave his wife for me. I heard how unhappy he was in his marriage and was even told by friends the same thing. Unfortunately though, I do not think he will ever walk away and I worry that your MM will not either.

 

Keep your head high and my advice is do not let him pull you back in. Often times it is easy for MM to become happier in their marriage when you are there to keep them happy. Tell him you are working on you and that he can come find you if/when he divorces but NOT before. Do not make him happy by giving him yourself and all of the things you have to offer. I would recommend making him stand on his own two feet and if he can't do it without you then he will never do it with you.

 

Stay strong and remember no matter how much you love him nothing is worth the pain caused by an affair.

 

Keep us updated! We are here to support you.

[loveisanaction]

Hi Lady Muse,

 

I'm sure people who have been in your situation will soon give you advice.

 

However, if your married man hasn't started making arrangements to leave his wife (no matter his reasons for staying with her) then he might be staying married because he doesn't want a divorce.

 

He has told you that you should not wait for him and i believe he's telling you this because there is a strong possibility that right now he has no intention of leaving her.

 

Asking you to remain friends is going to be near impossible because you're still in love with him and the chemistry between the both of you is still there.

 

My advice, be careful. It seems that you are on your way to becoming his other woman....again.

[Lady Muse]

Thank you for your kind words and understanding. I will not say the words,"oh but this is different," because this is a very old story.

 

He really isn't trying to pull me back in. When we talked on Friday he was adamant that he wants me to be happy, no matter who it is with, and if we became lovers again he worries it will keep me from living that wonderful life he wants for me. And he says that I am truly the only person that has gotten through his walls and not turned around and used that against him.

 

I should add, due to a random accident (& literally coming back from the dead, I'm in a textbook now), that changed me in ways that I am still exploring even though I am physically healed, my outlook is so different.

 

Life is so short. Happiness is rare. I have removed every toxic person from my life, if you don't add to it, you are being subtracted. He adds to it. I don't need for him to leave to be with me to make my life whole. I do need to know he is there even in a random "just saying hi" text, and he has said he needs that too.

 

Maybe it's just knowing someone is in my corner. Maybe it's that we are open and honest with each other. You are right, he may never leave, he isn't lying to me about that...the thing is, I don't need him to. If he does, well thats a bridge to cross when we get to it. I love him because I love him, it is wonderful to know that even after my marriage, I can love.

 

Wow I am really rambling here today.

[Satu]

snip

I am sure this is like every other story out there, but this one is mine, my pain and also my happiness.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

A clipping from my journals:

 

 

What the other woman believes

 

"He's a great guy, but he's trapped in an unhappy marriage. He and his wife haven't had sex in years. He says he has no feelings for her, and loves me. He feels that he can't leave because of what it would do to his kids, but I do think that he'll leave her though, when the kids are a bit older."

 

 

The greater part of any affair is fantasy and make-believe:

 

This is life on the edge of reality, in a little bubble of imaginings.

 

 

Take care.

[Lady Muse]

"He's a great guy, but he's trapped in an unhappy marriage. He and his wife haven't had sex in years. He says he has no feelings for her, and loves me. He feels that he can't leave because of what it would do to his kids, but I do think that he'll leave her though, when the kids are a bit older."

 

Thst does sounds like a textbook. It is not however how I see it, or even what he has told me. I never thought we would even revisit the physical side of our relationship...I can't explain it very well. Dying changes a person in some very interesting ways. I'm not waiting for him. I don't sit home alone. I do know that I have never connected to another person the way I have with him.

 

I don't know what the future holds, and since the accident, I dont see him as my be all end all, I just know that having him there makes me happy.

[Satu]

snip

 

Wow I am really rambling here today.

 

Ramble as much as you like.

 

Welcome to Loveshack

[13Hearts]

No, life is not complicated. Life is simple, but we make it complicated.

 

I hate to burst your bubble but this guy is lying to you about his marriage. He thinks she just uses him for his paycheque? Well what the hell did he think you raise children on??

 

Go on with your life. Find love and excitement elsewhere, because this guy is going to waste more years of your life with his lies and his sob story if you don't move on. And you are worth so much more than that!

[lemondrop21]

Sometimes I feel this sense of peace about life, the universe and everything, as you seem to feel. Then other times I am a raging lunatic when it comes to the A. Lately I am at my best when I'm just focused on my own future, with a mild sense of urgency that pushes me to move forward in my life.

 

I am wondering if you previously had, or still have, those wild mood swings and terrible lows that people in A's often get? If you do, then it may be worth considering whether this man can have a place in your life at all right now. If you are truly able to maintain a sense of inner peace about it all, then who am I to tell you that you should be taking a different path? You seem very clear about the risks involved in this scenario.

[HeCantBreakMe]

Sometimes I feel this sense of peace about life, the universe and everything, as you seem to feel. Then other times I am a raging lunatic when it comes to the A. Lately I am at my best when I'm just focused on my own future, with a mild sense of urgency that pushes me to move forward in my life.

 

I am wondering if you previously had, or still have, those wild mood swings and terrible lows that people in A's often get? If you do, then it may be worth considering whether this man can have a place in your life at all right now. If you are truly able to maintain a sense of inner peace about it all, then who am I to tell you that you should be taking a different path? You seem very clear about the risks involved in this scenario.

 

Great way to describe it!

[NTV]

You're right, life is complicated. It's got ups and down, good decisions and bad. regrets. failings and successes. What we want is almost never what we get out of it.

 

 

And at the end of the day, we only live with ourselves and what we've done.

 

 

It sounds like you're telling us that you can live with yourself this way. A lot of people live with having done worse things. Oh, I know you're making this relationship out to be the be all end all of happiness, and the connection is otherworldly like you haven't done something wrong... and I'm not saying you have or you haven't, that's for you to decide and live with.

 

 

I guess I'm asking is when you say that you haven't connected with another person like you have him is that because there is no one you could connect with even better?

[imsosad]

You say he isn't trying to pull you back in. He wants you to be happy. His marriage is terrible. He has a plan in place.

I am goint to state the obvious. It doesn't matter what he says, only what he does. What he is doing is trying to rekindle the affair.

If you really love this man, break all contact with him until he has followed through with his plan and is available to be your real partner.

You are a free woman, out of a bad marriage. Why start your fresh start with a dysfunctional relationship? It's not just yours, affairs are dysfunctional by definition.

Keep your eyes open and guard your heart.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I actually believe he may very well mean what he's told you; that he's planning on getting out of his marriage and wants/needs you to hold his hand so he can do it.

 

The problem is that once you begin to hold his hand as he does it, he will most likely ease back into the place of comfort that consists of being home with his family every day/night and having your companionship, too. Before you know it you will be strongly tempted to sleep with him, and may do it, though at this point you may think you won't.

 

Then you may be right back in the A, sneaking around with a MM, a secret life, etc., and wishing you'd continued moving on with your life when you'd made a decision to do so.