Partner left me for OW and I'm pregnant

[louloul]

Just wanted to get some thoughts.

 

My ex partner of almost 13 years walked out just after Christmas, claiming he wanted to be on his own and he moved into his mom's.

 

He said that he wasn't sure what he wanted anymore. I had found out in November that I was pregnant. This was a planned pregnancy, one that we had been trying for.

 

He said there was no passion anymore and that it should just be there and it is isn't when I suggested marriage counselling. He said we shouldn't need counselling. I said that we'd been together for 13 yrs and perhaps it was something we needed to put our relationship in perspective. As we'd both wanted a 2nd child, I thought there was commitment.

 

Anyway, we also have a 6 yr old and my ex partner has a histoy of clinical depression. I've perhaps thought at times he might be bipolar.

 

We had an issue just after Christmas that I started. We were going away for a few days on 27th December. He asked if he could go out with his mate on 26th December and as I knew it would end up being a drinking session, I asked if he could perhaps go out with him another time, as the following day we had a long drive and I didn't want to be the one to do the driving.

 

Anyway, I was told that I was being unfair and I never let him do anything. Something that just isn't true.

 

On Christmas day, his brother invited him over on 26th and he asked if he could go to see his brother. He said he'd drive and not have a drink. I was happy about this. He didn't go to his brother's. He went out with the mate and got wasted.

 

I was annoyed the following day when he wasn't home and there was no car for me to go. I was prepared to go on my own with our son. Anyway, he raced home when I called him and he knew that I knew he wasn't at his brother's.

 

So while on our break away, he tells me he thinks it might be best if he moves out for a bit to figure out what he wanted. I agree as I was upset and hurt and he was just acting very odd while we were away. He was vacant. He wasn't with his family. He was spending the whole time with headphones on.

 

So, when we get home, he moves out and goes out on New Year's eve with the same friend as 26th December to a club night that is really not him. He leaves me and our son at home and the following day on Facebook he claims what an amazing night he's had with good friends. Half of them, I'd never heard of.

 

We go through January and February with him staying at his mum's, but calling around after work to see our son. He's a teacher, so in the February half term, he calls around every day and I had been poorly. We spent that week getting on so well, I thought that this period he'd been through was a serious bout of depression an that perhaps he was coming out of it. He takes me out for Valentine's day and we did stuff together as a family and were laughing and joking and generally having fun, like normal.

 

I had asked him several times if he was seeing someone else and he denied this completely and made me feel a little mad.

 

19th February comes along and we're snuggling up on the sofa to watch a film and ordering a take away on his phone. It gets to the check out, using this food app and a woman's name and address comes up that I didn't recognise. Immediately, I knew he had been seeing someone else. A work colleague.

 

When I find this out, he admits what has happened and then proceeds to say he's ruined everything and starts hitting himself repeatedly in the face. He gives himself a massive black eye and then calms down a little and drives off in his car.

 

I ask him if he's going to continue the affair and he says he doesn't want to give her up, but that he'll probably regret it in 6 months and in that time I will have moved on.

 

Well, he's right. I am moving on...

 

Throughout the remainder of Feb and March I ask him to make regular arrangements to see our son. He says he doesn't want to be a weekend dad and because of the nature of his job, he can't commit to see our son on certain days. He's a teacher! I realise it's a stressful job, but it's not condusive to making plans to see his son on certain days. He calls me all the names he can think of...tells me I don't understand.

 

In reality, he wanted to continue calling round when he felt like it to see our son - having no stability for him whatsoever. He also suggested staying over a couple of night a week, which was a definite no. Everything he was saying was so illogical. On the days he did commit to call and see our son, he would accuse me of seeing other people cos I was putting make up on. Bear in mind, I was also about 16 weeks pregnant at the time, if not more.

 

Because I wouldn't commit to his demands of him calling to the house when he felt like it, he one day said that he was going to contact the authorities to say i couldn't cope with being a single mother and that I needed his help. WRONG! He said he'd throw all sorts of other information at them. Anything he could think of. I panicked and called my midwife.

 

Fast forward to April and him and the OW move into a rented house together. He won't tell me where, but expects me to allow our son to go there. I moved his stuff to the garage when he said he wasn't coming home. He was mad at me for this and accused me of damaging some of his books, which I didn't do. On the day he picked up his stuff, I went out for the morning, so I wasn't home. When he was done, he called me to tell me I could go home, he had moved his stuff. He started shouting down the phone 'Is that it then.... Are we done?' over and over. I replied, well I suppose we are considering you're moving in with your OW.

 

Finally, he agrees on set days he sees our son. Thursday evenings and Saturdays and then he breaks his leg - falling down the stairs (apparently).The day he did this, he did not collect his son. When I asked why, he said it was because I was hostile to him when he collects him. I am far from chatty with him, but I am not hostile. Mainly for my son's sake.

 

Every time he has our son, it is cut short. He will message me telling me our son is bored and wants to go home. He'll say 'he hates me'. I don't get a day for myself. I have to be on wait for the message to come and collect him.

 

Anyway, he breaks his leg and can't drive. I tell him that I can take our son to his mum's every saturday to help him out. He agrees.

 

Then he wants to take our son to his house. I refuse. Based on the fact that I'm now 31 weeks pregnant and our son is still coming to terms with the fact that his dad has left and even if the OW isn't at the house, he will figure out that something is going on. We agreed not to say anything until the baby is born.

 

A couple of weeks ago he asks me why I won't speak to him and why do I ignore him? Really??? He can't figure that out.

 

Then, he offers me an ultimatum - I start being on speaking terms with him or he intorduces our son to the OW. I told him that I won't be on speaking terms with him anytime soon. He says, well he'll have to stick with our son being intorduced to the OW. I told him to please consider our son's feelings and to think about it.

 

Anyway, he went ahead and did it. My son was at his grandma's house with his dad and she comes to the house with an xbox game. She says she's had it a while and would they like to play it. She's introduced as daddy's friend.

 

I pick him up later. I'm told he wants to come home, he's not speaking to his dad. I'm in the cinema, but as soon as I'm done, I head straight over to collect him. I get him home and he tells me he met daddy's friend who is a girl. He asks me if it's daddy's girlfriend. I am mortified.

 

My son is upset and is sick. I message the ex and ask what happened. He said he thought he was doing the right thing. He then says he won't see our son for a while, but puts the blame to me that I told our son. I tell him he must think I'm deranged if I was going to do this to our son.

 

So, I make arrangements for the forthcoming school holidays for childcare as he is adament that he doesn't want to see his son. A couple of days later, it's as if he didn't say what he says. He says 'Sorry for not getting back to you sooner'... can he arrange for the holidays to have him on xyz days.

 

I reply to inform him that it's fine, but given how upset our son was over the OW, I don't want him to see her or for him to go to the house. He then calls me all the names under the sun, then apologies a day later, but still insisting that the OW needs to be present when he sees our son, as a 'friend', so that when the baby is born they can help out with our son by having him overnight, so as to give me a 'break'.

 

I just said that he can see our son on the days he wants, but he won't be meeting or seeing OW. I'm told to get 'f**ed'. He was supposed to see him today, but didn't turn up to my sister's house.

 

So, is this the sign of someone with a mental illness or is this just someone dealing with severe affair fog and what type of woman is prepared to be involved with someone who has cheated on his partner who is pregnant and wants to continue the relationship? They're both professionals. They're teachers!

 

I just don't get it. I want things to calm down as it every time my phone beeps, I get anxious it's another abusive message. He tells me I'm controlling and manipulative. I have bent over backwards to make regular arrangements for him to see our son, but it's not enough. I have put my foot down concerning our son being intoruced to OW and going to the house, but I have offered alternatives.

 

At my wits end. This pregnancy has been terrible. I've been in hospital. He doesn't ask about the preganancy, but just asks if I'm going to f**k him over as far as the baby is concerned. That's all he's bothered about. It's all me, me, me.

 

Sorry this post is so long and thanks for listening.

[aliveagain]

Please talk to a lawyer because you need to protect yourself and both your children. Your son will probably need counselling. Do not engage your cheating ex partner, he has obviously abandoned you. Get yourself a VAR(voice activated recorder) and carry it with you anytime you need to personally interact with him. Is your soon to be ex bipolar? Is your boyfriend paying you any support/child support? Read up on the 180 and implement the recommended behaviours immediately. I don't think he punched himself in the face hard enough.

Edited May 29, 2016 by aliveagain

[louloul]

I have a meeting with the Citizens Advice on Tuesday to discuss my options. I was keen not to engage a lawyer because of the cost, but feel I have to now.

 

I won't speak to him on the phone and barely speak in person to him. I stick to Whatsapp, so I have a record of what has been said.

 

When he has collected our son or dropped off our son before he broke his leg - he has accused me of slamming a door in his face. One day when he said he was going to take his son to his house and I told him that wasn't happening, he started kicking the door repeatedly. On another occasion, he dropped off our son and handed over all his stuff to me. I couldn't get the juice drink he had got him as my hands were full and I wanted to close the door ASAP, so I told him to bring it home and our son could have it next time. Once I closed the door, he threw the bottle at the door with such force.

 

My ex is paying child support. He hates me for this too. I needed to protect myself. I knew he was spending excessively, so I sorted out child support immediately. He absolutely hated me for this, but feel good that this is sorted.

 

He keeps telling me that the reason he wants our son to go to his house is because he can't afford to take our son anywhere for the day cos he's broke cos he has to give all his money to me. In reality, he's taken out 2 loans and has increased his overdraft from £150 to £2000 in the space of a few months, while he's wined and dined his OW.

 

My ex is not diagnosed as Bipolar, but was diagnosed with severe depression about 4 years ago. At this time, I went along with him to the GP and I urged them to get him to see a psychologist, as I thought it was more than depression, but he disagreed with me and just prescribed anti-depressants. I remember I was so annoyed at the GP, I walked out of the room before the end of the session.

 

He keeps telling me that he left me, not his son and that I'm not allowing him access to his son. I really have tried. It's just because its not all on his terms, he throws a strop at what he sees as 'the injustice' of it all.

 

Early on in March, he even asked if he could move back in once the baby was born to help me out. I said no and said, the OW won't be happy. He said, well she won't know as she'll be on a backpacking trip for the whole summer with her friend! WTF?

 

Our daughter is due on 2nd August. Everyone I know has been so supportive towards me, esp work. I have at times, wondered how I would get through the working day.

 

I do not want him back - not even in the slightest. People keep telling me to be prepared for him to try and come back as the grass isn't greener etc...

 

I just don't understand how this woman can live with herself?

 

What upsets me the most is that I will at some point have to trust them both to look after my son and daughter.

 

What is a 180?

[wmacbride]

pffftttt....

 

There is mental illness and then there is being a jackass.

 

Your ex is being a jackass.

 

I would see a lawyer as soon as possible and find out what our legal rights are. Make sure that you are covered and protected.

 

what a schmuck he is for doing this wile you are pregnant, and his ow? She sounds like a real prize too. any woman who cared about the welfare of an innocent child would never be okay with this sort of forced interaction.

 

His behavior sounds more like the lying and sneaking done by an ws who is trying to convince himslef that his actions are your fault.

 

Try and surround yourself with friends, family and people who care. You have three lives- you and your son and unborn baby- depending on you. If he cares more about placating his ow by forcing some meeting between your son and her no matter how much it might harm him then your ex has no place in your life right now.

[MJJean]

As much as you may not like it, he does have the right as the children's father to introduce them to his "friends", unless said "friends" have criminal records and pose a danger to the children. I wouldn't count on the court system to tell him he cannot have your son and unborn daughter around his OW or any future "friends".

 

However, the courts DO care about parenting time. I don't know about other countries, but here judges don't tend to look kindly upon men who repeatedly pull no shows for visitation days or who repeatedly have their children picked up early from visitation. Here, that is grounds to have visitation lessened or even stopped altogether.

 

Also, refuse to engage him in ANY way when he is throwing his tantrums and/or being insulting to you. You aren't a couple anymore. You have nothing personal to argue about. The only reason to keep in communication at all is your shared child and one on the way. Tell him that your only communication needs to be about the children and that any insults, blame, yelling and screaming, etc. will result in no response from you. Add in that, when in your presence or at your home, kicking and trowing things will result in a call to the police. Then stick to it.

[Cloudcuckoo]

The man is toxic. For you, your son and your unborn daughter.

 

You're obviously here in the uk, so once you've seen someone at CAB to get advice on your legal entitlement, it might be prudent to engage a solicitor.

 

Keep a diary of ALL interactions that you have with your children's father, and as has been suggested record all conversations between you.

 

It must be very frightening for you at the moment, with a volatile t**t mentally and verbally abusing you, psychologically causing potential damage to your son, and creating stressful situations that are unhealthy for your unborn daughter.

 

Stay away from this idiot as much as you possibly can for now, until you are able to put safeguards in place to legally protect you and your son.

 

Do you have a good support network of family and friends? If so, do let them help you navigate your way to a safer and healthier life.

 

Sending sincere best wishes your way.

 

Cuckoo x

[CoolHandLuke76]

He's a mental case. Staying with him would bring a lifetime of drama you don't really need. Fortunately you have your kids and they have you. That's all you need. Cut the crazy out of your life and you'll see how much happier you can be.

[Raena]

Your ex sounds so much like my ex that it gave me chills to read your story.

 

I agree with others who said that you should keep a journal of what has been happening. Even if you never use it, it helps you to write it all down. I still have the calendar I wrote in the first year after my ex and I split up. I didn't have any use for it in court, but it helped me to put it in writing what was going on.

 

Keep doing what you are doing. That is, don't engage the crazy. Just completely ignore him when he behaves irrational. Eventually he'll stop. It make take awhile, but he'll stop if he doesn't get a response out of you.

 

You focus on you and what you need to do today to make yourself calm. Journal if it helps, talk to friends or family or get a therapist or come here and vent.

 

The courts will not back you up if you go in asking for the OW not to be present when he has your child. You can, however, keep demanding to him that she not be there for a bit until things settle down. He may take you to court for it, or he may not. Is she behaving irrationally? I know it's a lot for your son to take in, but if she isn't treating your child poorly, then you will have to leave it alone. I know how hard that is, but make sure you aren't keeping him away from her because of your own feelings about her. She isn't the issue here. Your husband is. Sounds to me like he'll have most of the summer to himself anyway... so it won't be an issue until she returns.

 

Keep your chin up. You've got a lot on your plate right now. I'm sure it's overwhelming. Do you have family or friends to help you with the baby?

 

My best advice to you though is to not respond to his craziness, no matter how hard it may be, do not give him the satisfaction of knowing how much he hurt you. You will get through this... you will. Just breathe and take it day by day, minute by minute if you have to.

[louloul]

Yes, I know the courts won't be bothered about whether my son sees his 'friend' or not. I was kind of hoping I could get my son to when the baby is born and then he could be told about the OW, but I understand that this is probably not going to happen.

 

I have printed out all my messages (all 98 pages) of them and I've started a journal (going back to December). I just need to update this. I need to get it updated ASAP though before my meeting with the CAB tomorrow.

 

Tomorrow, I also have a meeting with the midwife and the health visitor. Apparently, this doesn't normally happen until the baby is born, but given the circumstances they wanted a meeting with me altogether.

 

I continue to do what I'm doing, which is to ignore the crazy behaviour and only talk about our son.

[Downtown]

He might be bipolar.... starts hitting himself repeatedly in the face. He gives himself a massive black eye....

Louloul, has he done any other self harming like that in past years? Why do you suspect he may be bipolar -- i.e., what type of mood swings have you seen? Did the swings come on slowly over a period of two weeks or, rather, occur almost instantly in response to some minor thing you said which triggered his anger?

[LifesontheUp]

Sorry to read what you are going through.

 

I'm not overly impressed with CAB as it has changed considerably over the years.

 

Most solicitors give a free 30 min to hour consultation. You should ring around and use it to get solid legal advice.

 

Wish you luck

[sandylee1]

I admire your strength. I wish a lot more women had it.

 

If he's got a happeny to live on its tough.

I'm sure he'll come crawling back and please do keep wearing the make up and looking like a yummy mummy when he comes over. How do you ever trust a man who cheats when you're pregnant AND it was planned.

 

I suggest you put a silent notification on his number in whatsapp so you don't hear when he messages you.

 

He's being a right old idiot and well done for standing your ground with him. Once DD is born get her child support sorted out as well. He's being a really crap dad and a rubbish example to his son. That him and OW are teachers annoys me.

 

Don't try and understand the OWs morals.. you just can't. She's not like you and I think it takes a special kind of woman to have an affair with a MM who has a pregnant wife.... then abandons her.

 

No doubt he's filled her head with lies about how evil you are and being a gullible fool she believes it. It's disgraceful that he can't even keep his son for the entire visit. Shame on him.

[louloul]

I wrote a really long message, but it got lost.

 

Basically, my ex gave me an ultimatum - be on speaking terms with him or he would introduce my son to the OW. I said I wouldn't be on speaking terms with him and so he went ahead (against my knowledge) and introduced the new girlfriend. I found out as my son came home with a new game for the xbox that he's wanted for ages. He told me that daddy's friend gave it him as she didn't want it anymore.

 

I was fuming. I put my son to bed and he asked if the girl was daddy's new girlfriend and then started crying and was sick. I messaged ex to ask what had happened and to have a little more respect for our son.

 

He then decided he didn't want to see our son and then changed his mind a few days later saying that he did, as if he'd never said he didn't. Then when I offered times when he could see him (it was the school holidays), he told me I was putting restrictions on him seeing his son and that he was broke and I couldn't afford to do anything with him other than take him to his new house, which I am refusing he does until the baby is born.

 

As he'd hurt his leg, he claims he's not been driving until Sunday, but his mum told me he'd been driving for the last 2 weeks, but even so, he didn't make any efforts to see our son when he was off in the school holidays.

 

He has also now cut ties with his mum, claiming that he's the way he is cos of her. He has blocked her number on his phone.

 

So, he's left with the OW and has no-one else, apart from his band mates that he sees on a Wednesday. I'm sure she'd loving it.

 

I found out that her ex also worked at the school that they work at until recently, part time. Her reason for leaving him was that she had become his carer and not partner, as he had an accident and damaged his back a while ago. Nice of her after they'd been together for 14 years. The more I hear about her, the more I realise how dysfunctional she is too.

 

I wish it was a complete good riddance to him, but due to the kids, it can't be.

 

In the last few days, he's apologised for his behaviour of late and said that he is going to curb his frustation of me. He has taken our son out for dinner and is seeing him today to play football.

 

He's asked me to let him know if he can be of any support over the coming weeks with the baby. I haven't replied.

[sandylee1]

Great to hear from you. He's very irresponsible as a father isn't he.

Stick firm and don't engage in chit chat with him. H

 

He does sound terribly confused and irrational right now, but you don't need his craziness. Just arrange a birthing partner and perhaps he can step up and look after your son during that time.

 

Take care of yourself and your son.

[Downtown]

Louloul, the emotional instability you describe -- i.e., the door kicking, bottle throwing, self eye-hitting, and other temper tantrums -- are big red flags. But not for "bipolar" as you suspect. Hence, if you feel comfortable doing so, I again encourage you to respond to the several questions I raised in post #10.

 

Specifically, has he done any other self harming like that in past years? Why do you suspect he may be bipolar -- i.e., what type of mood swings have you seen? Did the swings come on slowly over a period of two weeks or, rather, occur almost instantly in response to some minor thing you said which triggered his anger?

[dreamingoftigers]

I hope that the hormones after the birth don't whack you too hard.

 

They did to me this time and have just calmed down after six weeks.

 

I'm am so happy that you aren't playing into his crap, taking care of your kids and are not taking the blame for any of his extremely poor choices. He's an idiot. I'm sorry that happened to you.

 

Breeding with someone whose values are, at best, fluidic is totally an awful experience.

[angelcake]

I was thinking borderline personality disorder.

[dreamingoftigers]

I was thinking borderline personality disorder.

 

On Loveshack everyone's ex has Borderline Personality Disorder or Narcissistic Personality Disorder......

[louloul]

Louloul, has he done any other self harming like that in past years? Why do you suspect he may be bipolar -- i.e., what type of mood swings have you seen? Did the swings come on slowly over a period of two weeks or, rather, occur almost instantly in response to some minor thing you said which triggered his anger?

 

 

He hasn't self harmed in the past, but he has thought about committing suicide on several occasions. Twice he has gone to the train station to kill himself, but never saw it through. He often talked about just driving off and being on his own for a while where no-one could find him. Stay in a log cabin in the middle of nowhere. This is when he's been really depressed.

 

He would also have really dark dreams about killing himself. He would regularly dream that I had left him and that I was really horrible to him! HA!

 

In general, he has periods of months where he's normal and not depressed, but then most of the time (at least of late), he'd just be depressed.

 

Christmas is always a trigger for him. He seems to be really depressed. Just before Christmas we were taking our son to a panto. He refused to go. His excuse was that he looked a mess and he couldn't go anywhere without cutting his nails and he couldn't find the nail clippers. I told him he was going. We were 20mins late, but we made it and he thanked me afterwards for making him go.

 

He would regularly withdraw from spending time with me and my son and prefer to stay in bed.

 

Then in December, he tells me that he needs some time to think what he wants. He turns from being depressed to partying all the time with his friends, spending money he doesn't have, and then indulging in this relationship with this OW. He is cruel and nasty to me, but is on top of the world with everyone else.

 

He makes irrational decisions.

 

There does seem to be a pattern to this. In our 12 years together (we were young when we got together - I was 24, he was 22), after the first 4 years he decided he'd made these new friends (people he no longer has any contact with) from a course he was on. He said they really understood him. He would stay out for a couple of days drinking. He would come home and he'd be aloof and uncaring. We had just bought an apartment together, he was on a stressful course and not coping particuarly well.

 

Then fast forward another 4 years, he again at Christmas does a complete overnight personality split and starts hanging out with people he claims to be his best friends (he no longer has any contact with them). He was taking drugs that his new friend was giving him. He then went off on holiday with this friend which was supposed to be for a week, ended up being 2 weeks. In this time, his spending was out of control and he took out ridiculous pay day loans to pay for it all, putting us into debt. In this time, he also is talking to a female work colleague. By September, he crashes and hits an all time low.

 

He calls that episode his early midlife crisis and would always say that he had no idea what was going on his head and that he is never going back there again.

 

Fast forward another 4 years and this is where we are now....

 

So, this is kind of why I think it's bi-polar, but I am also aware that it could Borderline Personality Disorder.

[matt30]

This might help you. my book on how to deal infidelity of a married man.

 

 

 

http://www.myinfidelity.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/05/How-to-Deal-With-Infidelity-of-a-Married-Man-final.pdf

[Lois_Griffin]

On Loveshack everyone's ex has Borderline Personality Disorder or Narcissistic Personality Disorder......

LOL...right?

 

Everyone HAS to have a 'why' for the low-life behavior of their spouse. What most don't get is that their spouse is simply a self-entitled a*sshole and just acting the way a self-entitled a*sshole ACTS.

 

Nothing more, nothing less.

[Lois_Griffin]

He hasn't self harmed in the past, but he has thought about committing suicide on several occasions. Twice he has gone to the train station to kill himself, but never saw it through. He often talked about just driving off and being on his own for a while where no-one could find him. Stay in a log cabin in the middle of nowhere. This is when he's been really depressed.

 

He would also have really dark dreams about killing himself. He would regularly dream that I had left him and that I was really horrible to him! HA!

 

In general, he has periods of months where he's normal and not depressed, but then most of the time (at least of late), he'd just be depressed.

 

Christmas is always a trigger for him. He seems to be really depressed. Just before Christmas we were taking our son to a panto. He refused to go. His excuse was that he looked a mess and he couldn't go anywhere without cutting his nails and he couldn't find the nail clippers. I told him he was going. We were 20mins late, but we made it and he thanked me afterwards for making him go.

 

He would regularly withdraw from spending time with me and my son and prefer to stay in bed.

 

Then in December, he tells me that he needs some time to think what he wants. He turns from being depressed to partying all the time with his friends, spending money he doesn't have, and then indulging in this relationship with this OW. He is cruel and nasty to me, but is on top of the world with everyone else.

 

He makes irrational decisions.

 

There does seem to be a pattern to this. In our 12 years together (we were young when we got together - I was 24, he was 22), after the first 4 years he decided he'd made these new friends (people he no longer has any contact with) from a course he was on. He said they really understood him. He would stay out for a couple of days drinking. He would come home and he'd be aloof and uncaring. We had just bought an apartment together, he was on a stressful course and not coping particuarly well.

 

Then fast forward another 4 years, he again at Christmas does a complete overnight personality split and starts hanging out with people he claims to be his best friends (he no longer has any contact with them). He was taking drugs that his new friend was giving him. He then went off on holiday with this friend which was supposed to be for a week, ended up being 2 weeks. In this time, his spending was out of control and he took out ridiculous pay day loans to pay for it all, putting us into debt. In this time, he also is talking to a female work colleague. By September, he crashes and hits an all time low.

 

He calls that episode his early midlife crisis and would always say that he had no idea what was going on his head and that he is never going back there again.

 

Fast forward another 4 years and this is where we are now....

 

So, this is kind of why I think it's bi-polar, but I am also aware that it could Borderline Personality Disorder.

So he was a 22 year old kid when you met him, which basically means he never had the chance to sew his wild oats but got involved in a committed relationship way too early in life. Sorry, 22 year old guys are way too young to be committed for life and they're GOING to act out, which is EXACTLY what he's done over the years. That's what happens when you take a 22 year old guy and put him in captivity and expect him to be happy for the rest of his life. Sorry, but it's just biology.

 

It's not bi-polar. It's a young guy continually fighting against being tied down when he wasn't ready.

[Downtown]

I think it's bi-polar, but I am also aware that it could Borderline Personality Disorder.

Louloul, it may not be one or the other but, rather, both. Half of the people exhibiting strong bipolar symptoms in the past 12 months also suffer from full-blown BPD. See Table 2 at 2008 Study in JCP.

 

He hasn't self harmed in the past, but he has thought about committing suicide on several occasions. Twice he has gone to the train station to kill himself, but never saw it through.... he has periods of months where he's normal and not depressed.

Now you are describing warning signs for bipolar -- e.g., the depressed periods lasting months alternating with manic periods during which he did spending binges and drug experimentation. Earlier, you were describing warning signs for BPD -- e.g., the door kicking, bottle throwing, self eye-hitting, and other temper tantrums.

 

I caution that BPD is not something a person "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your H exhibits BPD traits. Of course he does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether he exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met him, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," lack of impulse control, and rapid event-triggered mood flips.

 

In any event, I applaud your willingness to read about these two disorders in the past. If you're interested in reading anything more, I would suggest you take a quick look at my list of 12 BPD/Bipolar Differences. It is based on my experience with a bipolar-1 sufferer (my foster son) and a BPDer (my exW).

 

I also suggest you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you and your two children will be dealing with. Moreover, because both bipolar and BPD are believed to be conditions your two children might inherit from a parent exhibiting those symptoms, it is important to find out whether a professional agrees with your tentative assessment.

[louloul]

Downtown - Thanks very much for this information. I read your differences between BPD and Bipolar and found it really useful.

 

From what you describe it is mainly bipolar, however there are definite BPD traits.

 

I did see a counsellor when this all happened and when I explained my ex he was very much of the authority that he is bipolar, but obviously without him being there he wasn't going to confirm.

 

I am aware that if it is bipolar that there is 50/50 chance of my kids having it too and this really concerns me. I just wish the ex would get a diagnosis, so I can be aware of what to look for.

 

Maybe in time he will.

 

Thanks for your advice. I am going to read the other link you provided now.

[dreamingoftigers]

Addictions and substance abuse make it tough time for gure out what you are dealing in terms of a label.

 

My husband's alcoholism presented at times like BPD, bipolar, NPD etc etc etc.

 

Without the alcohol and with Day Program treatment, he takes ADHD meds and is fine.

 

Although your ex sounds like my father. And he was diagnosed with a Cluster B disorder.