Versailles Posted May 30, 2016 Share Posted May 30, 2016 I haven't posted in a long time but essentially I've been with MM 2.5 years now and we are still in love with each other. I've been meaning to bring up the baby topic for months now to him but never really found the right time to ask.. Finally had a good moment and asked him! (For the record, I'm not needing him to leave his family or needing his financial support and I'd be ok being a single mum. Of course, it's not my preference but I would be ok with that) As I kinda expected, he said it would not be fair to me or our child (if we had any), as well as it not being fair to his son too... He went on to say that he had been trying to think how we could continue to be together permanently but couldn't figure it out.. And he wanted to be a responsible father to his son and a responsible man to me... Then he thanked me for my love and told me that he loved me too. So... Does this mean a no or a maybe (need to think about it more first perhaps?) in terms of us maybe having a child together? We have been intimate since the last conversation but he still insists on protection for now. If it's a no or maybe, how do I convince him to say yes? I would really like a child with him so that next time if he ever chooses to leave, I'd still have a part of him with me... And I would really like my own child with him... If I don't, I'd probably end up adopting since I don't want to be intimate with anyone else other than him. I've been trying to get him to forget to use protection but he always remembers or pulls out at the last minute... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted May 30, 2016 Share Posted May 30, 2016 snip I haven't posted in a long time but essentially *I've been with MM 2.5 years now and we are still in love with each other. I've been meaning to bring up the baby topic for months now to him but never really found the right time to ask.. Finally had a good moment and asked him! (For the record, I'm not needing him to leave his family or needing his financial support and I'd be ok being a single mum. Of course, it's not my preference but I would be ok with that) *Sorry to burst your bubble, but you're not 'with' this MM. He's with his wife. 21 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted May 30, 2016 Share Posted May 30, 2016 It's a no. It's one thing to have a secret OW. It's completely another thing to have a secret siblings who know nothing of each other. Do you understand the magnitude of that? That's 80+ years of potential relationship drama, even past your deaths. 18 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted May 30, 2016 Share Posted May 30, 2016 it's a HUGE no. i kinda feel like it's self-explanatory, too. 10 Link to post Share on other sites
minnesotagirl Posted May 30, 2016 Share Posted May 30, 2016 (edited) Um, he didn't say yes, he uses protection, he's with his WIFE, and you still can't get the message that he doesn't want to get you pregnant? Edited May 30, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Edited for Civility and Respect ~ V 15 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted May 30, 2016 Share Posted May 30, 2016 Just last October - in this thread - you were wanting closure from this man. And now you want his child just to "have a part of him?" You are absolutely right that it is not fair to you but moreso, it would be monumentally unfair to the child who is brought into this world to be questioning his/her parentage. Look, one of my oldest friends (30 years now) had an OM's child. My goddaughter is about 13 years old and I can't tell you how much therapy she will end up going knowing she is the product of an affair and that her father only sees her three times a year - when he can sneak away from his MAIN family. This poor girl is already suicidal; believing she is not as valued because her father doesn't acknowledge her. Versailles, if you go through with this, I pity the poor child you will create. It is beyond selfish of you to want this for yourself and not think of how it will affect the child. 19 Link to post Share on other sites
grays Posted May 30, 2016 Share Posted May 30, 2016 You need a better man and a better relationship. This sounds awful to me! Do not have a baby with him. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 30, 2016 Share Posted May 30, 2016 I haven't posted in a long time but essentially I've been with MM 2.5 years now and we are still in love with each other. I've been meaning to bring up the baby topic for months now to him but never really found the right time to ask.. Finally had a good moment and asked him! (For the record, I'm not needing him to leave his family or needing his financial support and I'd be ok being a single mum. Of course, it's not my preference but I would be ok with that) As I kinda expected, he said it would not be fair to me or our child (if we had any), as well as it not being fair to his son too... He went on to say that he had been trying to think how we could continue to be together permanently but couldn't figure it out.. And he wanted to be a responsible father to his son and a responsible man to me... Then he thanked me for my love and told me that he loved me too. So... Does this mean a no or a maybe (need to think about it more first perhaps?) in terms of us maybe having a child together? We have been intimate since the last conversation but he still insists on protection for now. If it's a no or maybe, how do I convince him to say yes? I would really like a child with him so that next time if he ever chooses to leave, I'd still have a part of him with me... And I would really like my own child with him... If I don't, I'd probably end up adopting since I don't want to be intimate with anyone else other than him. I've been trying to get him to forget to use protection but he always remembers or pulls out at the last minute... You can't convince him into this, he said no. He doesn't want another child. Please stop trying to manipulate him. If you truly want a baby, you can go to a sperm donor clinic and raise he/she on your own. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted May 30, 2016 Share Posted May 30, 2016 Or she could find a man of her own... 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Gert Posted May 30, 2016 Share Posted May 30, 2016 No, it sounds a terrible idea. A member of my family was the child of an OW and a MM. He didn't even find out until he was in his 60s. He had half brothers and sisters he never even knew of. His distress when he found this out and also that his mother had never been married, was just awful. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lemondrop21 Posted May 30, 2016 Share Posted May 30, 2016 I think you are in very deep and that happens to people... But gently, I think you should consider talking over your options with a professional. I realize you want to establish some sort of real connection with this man, but - and I think you know this deep down - you're teetering on the edge of a cliff. If anything, think about the child that will grow up as an "affair child," and please pull yourself back from the brink. I agree with others that once you get yourself out of the affair and are a strong, confident and financially independent woman, you could raise a baby through a donor - a baby who grows up to be a man or woman who is proud of the choices that their single mom made, not ashamed of them. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted May 30, 2016 Share Posted May 30, 2016 Why would you want your child to be born into an illicit relationship. It would mean the poor little mite would really start life at a disadvantage. Whatever are you thinking.... seriously????? Poppy. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Girl Posted May 30, 2016 Share Posted May 30, 2016 This is the most selfish and awful thing you could foist on an innocent baby. It's a no. It's a hell no... He just didn't want it to affect his access to you....And now youve raised the idea, he will be even more careful from now on. If I was him I'd be getting a vasectomy tomorrow actually. 10 Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted May 30, 2016 Share Posted May 30, 2016 If you wouldnt have devoted yourself to him the last 2.5 years you could have found someone who wanted to love you full time, be only yours, and build a real family with you. Do you really want to be in the delivery rooom alone, be with the baby on Christmas morning and Mothers day alone because he is with his wife and family and cant sneak away? 10 Link to post Share on other sites
imperfectangel Posted May 30, 2016 Share Posted May 30, 2016 I'm just glad that she's actually talked to him, no matter how crazy it is instead of "forgetting" to take her pill 10 Link to post Share on other sites
Noideanow Posted May 30, 2016 Share Posted May 30, 2016 I Can follow you versailles, and think what you write is very sweet and shows how much you love him, somehow i feel that maybe you need to put a little pressure on him to choose you wholeheartedly, instead of as it is now, because i think he loves you very much (i remember what you wrote long time ago) but i think you know yourself what to do so i dont want to come with advice, i just hope your dreams come true and in time you and him Will have a beautiful little baby, and you Will have him by your side:) Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 30, 2016 Share Posted May 30, 2016 I haven't posted in a long time but essentially I've been with MM 2.5 years now and we are still in love with each other. I've been meaning to bring up the baby topic for months now to him but never really found the right time to ask.. As I kinda expected, he said it would not be fair to me or our child (if we had any), as well as it not being fair to his son too... He went on to say that he had been trying to think how we could continue to be together permanently but couldn't figure it out.. And he wanted to be a responsible father to his son and a responsible man to me... Then he thanked me for my love and told me that he loved me too. His SON is his priority. His son is the future, he doesn't want illegitimate offspring messing up anything. Its a definite no. Followed up by --> I've been trying to get him to forget to use protection but he always remembers or pulls out at the last minute... Why on earth would he want to have a child with you, how would he explain that away to his wife or his son? He may be able to persuade them on Dday you were a "mistake" or you stalked him or even blackmailed him, but playing happy families with you would be difficult to explain away. Plus, as the child's father he knows he would be liable for its support, so no matter how much you say you would manage alone, he would have that perpetually hanging over him, how would he explain away monthly payments to you???? His loyalty is to his wife and his son, he made that plain, so he is never going to be convinced to jettison them for you or for any child you manipulate him into having. If you do trick him into getting you pregnant, he will hate you for it. His "love" is probably more about regular extra sex, than anything else, you have to realize that. Take this definite no as an indication of how he really views this "relationship" with you and start protecting yourself from the inevitable. If you want to keep this affair going then fine, that is your choice, but please do not bring poor unwanted little souls into the equation is my advice. He will not be the "father"you would wish him to be. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
imsosad Posted May 30, 2016 Share Posted May 30, 2016 I want to say two things. First, it seems you think you and your affair partner are in a normal relationship.You seem to think of it in those terms. Id guess you are very much on denial about him,his wife and their family. He is not your boyfriends. He is your affaur partner. Boyfriends dont have wives. The second thing I want to say is about the baby. One of my close friends is that baby. Her mother had her with a long term affair partner. Fast forward 30+ years. My friend grew up feeling second best.She knew her father, and she knew that while he saw her for a couple of hours a week, he lived and raised her siblings. He went to all of their soccer games and concerts. He could never go with her. She has deep issues that revolve about being this daughter on the side. Her mother and father are no longer in contact. He is with his wife, who found out about this daughter when she was 4. Affair was over in a blink. He just dropped her mother in a heartbeat. The wife agreed to have my friend over at their house for two hours a week, but insisted on NC between her H and his AP. Imagine how the AP felt during these visits. And this is a case in which the father assumed responsibilty and the W accepted it. This is a best case scenerio. No, what you need to do is break.it off with him and find your way. 12 Link to post Share on other sites
HeCantBreakMe Posted May 30, 2016 Share Posted May 30, 2016 I haven't posted in a long time but essentially I've been with MM 2.5 years now and we are still in love with each other. I've been meaning to bring up the baby topic for months now to him but never really found the right time to ask.. Finally had a good moment and asked him! (For the record, I'm not needing him to leave his family or needing his financial support and I'd be ok being a single mum. Of course, it's not my preference but I would be ok with that) As I kinda expected, he said it would not be fair to me or our child (if we had any), as well as it not being fair to his son too... He went on to say that he had been trying to think how we could continue to be together permanently but couldn't figure it out.. And he wanted to be a responsible father to his son and a responsible man to me... Then he thanked me for my love and told me that he loved me too. So... Does this mean a no or a maybe (need to think about it more first perhaps?) in terms of us maybe having a child together? We have been intimate since the last conversation but he still insists on protection for now. If it's a no or maybe, how do I convince him to say yes? I would really like a child with him so that next time if he ever chooses to leave, I'd still have a part of him with me... And I would really like my own child with him... If I don't, I'd probably end up adopting since I don't want to be intimate with anyone else other than him. I've been trying to get him to forget to use protection but he always remembers or pulls out at the last minute... I am going to go with a really big NO on this one. One, not only is this NOT fair to you this is NOT fair to the baby that would come into the world in a situation like this. This is also a HUGE not fair to current MM and his family. Please please please please do not do this. Do not consider this any further... I would suggest walking away from your affair and finding a nice single man who is ready for a family and will be there for you and the baby. Or you could even adopt if you are interested in having a baby. I am wondering if in the back of your mind do you feel that having a baby with your MM will make him want to leave his family for you? No judgement only asking tough questions that you may want to consider and ask yourself. It doesn't sound like your MM has any intentions of leaving his wife so you may want to assess your situation and take care of yourself. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 30, 2016 Share Posted May 30, 2016 I am wondering if in the back of your mind do you feel that having a baby with your MM will make him want to leave his family for you? No judgement only asking tough questions that you may want to consider and ask yourself. It doesn't sound like your MM has any intentions of leaving his wife so you may want to assess your situation and take care of yourself. The OP wants a connection with the MM that will put her on a par with the wife, ie she will then be someone he cannot really leave, as he would have a child with her and he will always be there in her life. #10 - 26th November 2014, - I wouldn't go bother his family but I'm not sure I can go on living without him. So what exactly do I want from this doomed relationship...? After considering all options... I realize an option which can benefit both is if he would be willing to have a child with me (haven't asked him yet and don't dare to since now is not a good time). I won't ask him for any support and he can continue his duties to his family without any change in his lifestyle if he decides not to see me anymore. So, minimal impact to him. On my part, for the sake of our child, I will happily live on no matter what and see him/her grow up and I can get over not seeing my true love again because I will always see a shadow of him in our child. - - 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Noideanow Posted May 30, 2016 Share Posted May 30, 2016 There is nothing ironic about the posters who have suffered endlessly and thus have developed insights into the dynamic of OW/MM relationships and are wanting to warn others and give suggestions with the hope of saving someone from a lot of pain. NoIdeaNow, besides you, every other poster here is screaming "NO" to OP. Do you think that maybe all of these posters (except you) see something that you are failing to see? Evil is when you see a person about to do something that will cause immeasurable pain to every person involved and choosing to provide encouragement instead of trying to stop them from future self harm and pain.[/quote I dont think you understood what i wrote in the first (or the second;)) i just dont like the Way you talk to her, to me it is :mad: and i think only she knows what is Right for her to do and what she can live with, and that doesnt have to be the same as you would have done, Link to post Share on other sites
Cymbeline Posted May 30, 2016 Share Posted May 30, 2016 ' because I will always see a shadow of him in our child' I can see the romantic attraction of this notion, but in reality it doesn't work. From the moment they are born, babies are utterly their own person. It surprised me as a new mother just how much this is true and how little they are a 'shadow' of anyone at all. Also. My WHs AP, alsmost 20 years younger than he, is an affair child. She has Daddy issues, is currently dating another older man and is a deeply unhappy young woman who has yet to see a good relationship modelled, or to experience one herself. She is desperate for attention - any attention, and accepts very little in life. Having daughters of my own, I feel very sorry for her, and I know neither I nor , ironically, my WH would want for our daughters, the life she lives and emotional problems she faces. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
brothers343 Posted May 30, 2016 Share Posted May 30, 2016 I understand you want to be loved.......BUTT!!!! If you go through this you will not be loved, at least not the way you want to be. Your child will not be loved, not the way he or she supposed to be. It will almost be like a bloody wound to your child and you will be throwing he or she into the ocean waiting for the barracudas to come and snipp away. What's even worse in my eyes is that your willing to have a kid knowing that your MM won't be around. Your going to need couseling becouse his going to leave you. It's just a matter of time. Be smart,for this story can have major repercussions even after your life in this world has ended. Good luck. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted May 30, 2016 Share Posted May 30, 2016 OP during the course of your first thread here you divorced your husband based on numerous reasons. One of your biggest complaints was that you wanted children and your husband did not. I was glad that you divorced because you sounded truly unhappy and the marriage was robbing you of your dream to be a mother. How disappointing that you have decided to again be robbed of motherhood by yet another man. Had you ditched this MM at the same time you ended your marriage by this time you could have been happily in love and planning a family with a single guy. You are not getting younger and the chances of conceiving do drop considerably the older you get. Are you seriously going to give up your dreams of being a mother just so you can hang onto a lying cheater? 8 Link to post Share on other sites
EverySunset Posted May 30, 2016 Share Posted May 30, 2016 If it's a no or maybe, how do I convince him to say yes? I would really like a child with him so that next time if he ever chooses to leave, I'd still have a part of him with me... And I would really like my own child with him... If I don't, I'd probably end up adopting since I don't want to be intimate with anyone else other than him. I've been trying to get him to forget to use protection but he always remembers or pulls out at the last minute... I think you need a hug, if you've made it this far to even read my response. A lot of women on this forum have been, or find themselves in a situation where they are currently with a man like your MM. Many of them have come to recognize the markers for a potentially toxic situation. Although they might seem angry, one of the reasons I'm still on LS is because I feel like underneath it all, it comes from a good place. After experiencing so much pain, these posters want to help you avoid doing the same thing, and in your case, probably also involving a child. I understand where you're coming from. You're in love with a man, and you'd like a child. In order to stay in an affair, especially long term, one tends to compartmentalize the different variables. Unfortunately, when a child is brought into the mix, compartments fail, and it can get very very messy. And painful. For all involved… I have friends who've used donor genetic material in order to have children. And they do very well! However, they went into the situation understanding that they would be the only person responsible for that child, and I tend to believe that is the only equation that will work. If you find yourself in a situation where you are creating yourself and your child to be a plan B for a man, a father, then I hope you have someone in your life who can give you a real hug, and tell you that you're worth so much more. A sister, a mother, or friend who cares deeply enough to see through what your heart wants, straight through and to what your soul needs. You are not Plan B. You may love this man enough to pretend that for a while, but you should consider leaving all that behind, and finding a man who puts you first. Who is only in a relationship with you, and wants to start a family with you. Anything less isn't fair to you, whether you pretend it is or not. Or the child you might have. A family is sacred, start one with integrity and spirit, not compromise and sadness. Don't do the "pick me" dance. You pick YOU. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
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