Thinking of having a baby with MM

[wmacbride]

Elaine567, you are right to point out his son is his priority... If it wasn't for his son, he would have ended the relationship with W long ago...and this is even before I ever appeared in his life. I see the joy his son brings in his life and I know there is nothing more important to him. You're right... He probably doesn't want any chance of his son finding out about half siblings and having his son hate him... I haven't told him about being willing to move away... Maybe that might help to change his mind? Or maybe when his son hits his teenage years in another 6 years or so... He will change his mind about having more children? (But that would be too late for me...) Or maybe he is worried that if he has other children, his own love for his son would be diluted somehow and he can't bear to do that to his son? I am not sure what he really meant by not fair to his son... Or it's just a combination of everything..?

 

Anika99, yes you're right, I'm truly glad I did go through with the divorce... As one of my D friends put it.. Best thing that ever happened in her life in years! I did try some dinner and movie dates with other men but none of them came even remotely close to the feeling I get when I'm with MM... I think I could have found a single guy who would love me.. But I wouldn't love him back and it wouldn't be fair to him... I gave up trying soon enough..

 

EverySunset, thanks for the hug!

 

Goodyblue, thanks for sharing and I'm glad everything worked out for you did your MM have children from his previous marriage? I just wanted to mention that I'm not trying to trick MM into being a part of my life... He is free to leave in future if he wants to, and I recognize I have no right to stop him. I want a part of him in my life.. Yes that's true but it need not necessarily be him in the long term.. If it's our son or daughter, I would be happy too.. I kinda know he would leave eventually and go back to Canada for his retirement years and it will probably not be possible for me to follow him there and live in the same town... And he is significantly older... Even if nothing else happened, he would likely pass on years before I do... It would be nice if we had a child or even grandchildren around me when he is gone.

 

Lady Hamilton, wow I have to admit the realistic summary you mentioned is a possibility even though it may seem like a distant possibility to me now... Happily in a worst case scenario, the custody battle should not be a problem since it would need to get passed in 2 countries (too complex) and in the first place, the child (if any) wouldn't be registered by me as Canadian like him. Plus I'm assuming he wouldn't want his name on the birth registry as the father in the first place..

 

Imsosad, I do think he feels the same way and I believe that he does love me. Umm he and W and his son all sleep in the same room in 2 different beds... The son is frightened to sleep alone and W sleeps together with the son while he sleeps alone. And honestly... He has trouble sharing beds... He wakes at the slightest movement and he is somewhat of an insomniac... Lol or maybe he just loves me as a cure to his insomnia... Apparently he can fall asleep easily when I am near...

 

I know you can't see it as your eye's are clouded by emotion, but you are not seeing this man for what he is at all.

 

He is not rapped where he is, he is not staying where he is because he loves his son. He is also full of baloney.

 

Ask yourself, if a man is so terrified of his marriage ending because he wouldn't be able to see his son as much, then why on earth is he doing the one thing that could put him at a high risk of his marriage ending on extremely bad terms?

 

What if you carry out your plan, he finds out and decides he wants the boy or girl to spend time with him and his wife? You may have very little say in the matter, and depending on the law, it may be completely out of your hands.

[Sub]

I get the point that almost everyone thinks the whole idea is bad.... And I definitely agree that ideally, every baby should be born into a loving family with both parents (or at least be raised in such a family). But since the ideal situation is unfortunately not always possible, there are also plenty of kids raised in single parent homes or orphanages and obviously, not all of them grow up with psychological issues..

 

Yes, but those situations are not necessarily planned to be that way. And in the case of single mothers who have children through IVF or surrogates, they're not planning on lying to their kid about how they were conceived, or taking them away from their extended families in order to live out a lie. You're consciously trying to create such a dynamic. For what, exactly?

 

Kids aren't accessories, OP.

[noelle303]

 

 

I would certainly care for my child (if I had one) and I wouldn't let him or her know about MM being an MM. I could always say MM was my ex husband or something and it wouldn't be odd that he only appeared occasionally or not at all.. I would never let the child know anything that would hurt him or her. Relatives or friends wouldn't know either as I am perfectly willing to move to a new city where no one would know or question my child's parentage. I do know what you mean about your goddaughter's situation as my aunt in law took in the daughter my uncle had with an OW and I can see that my cousin is really not in good shape emotionally...she has always wondered why her mother hates her.. Which is why I won't let anything like that happen to my own child.

 

Would it really still be such a bad idea to have a child with MM if he agrees? I can give up everything and start anew elsewhere..

 

 

So you would have a relationship with your child based on lies?

 

I can't even begin to explain how incredibly unfair that would be for him or her, not to mention damaging.

 

If you are ashamed of this situation, which you obviously are based on the fact that you would never want your child to know you had an affair, then please take that as a sign that it's time to reconsider your relationship with this man.

[xxoo]

Elaine567, you are right to point out his son is his priority... If it wasn't for his son, he would have ended the relationship with W long ago...and this is even before I ever appeared in his life. I see the joy his son brings in his life and I know there is nothing more important to him. You're right... He probably doesn't want any chance of his son finding out about half siblings and having his son hate him... I haven't told him about being willing to move away... Maybe that might help to change his mind? Or maybe when his son hits his teenage years in another 6 years or so... He will change his mind about having more children? (But that would be too late for me...) Or maybe he is worried that if he has other children, his own love for his son would be diluted somehow and he can't bear to do that to his son? I am not sure what he really meant by not fair to his son... Or it's just a combination of everything...

 

A child with a mistress is a threat to his son's inheritance, a threat to his son's respect for him, a threat to his respect within his family and community, a financial threat to his wife, and in general a threat to his family.

 

Realize that your potential child would be an adult making his/her own decision in just 18 short years. Decisions to get a DNA test, to hunt for his true father, to sue for support, to get in contact with his half sibling, etc.

 

You are intending to build a house of cards on a bed of lies. The way this works out in your fantasy is exactly that: fantasy. Meanwhile, your MM is dealing with the reality of protecting his son, his estate, and his legacy. What are the possible reasons he would agree to this?

[Sub]

And OP, you are trying to trick him:

 

"I've been trying to get him to forget to use protection but he always remembers or pulls out at the last minute..."

 

I'm curious how you've been "trying" to get him to forget. Because consciously "trying" to get someone to do something they don't want to do is as close to trickery as it gets.

[Lady Hamilton]

I get the point that almost everyone thinks the whole idea is bad.... And I definitely agree that ideally, every baby should be born into a loving family with both parents (or at least be raised in such a family). But since the ideal situation is unfortunately not always possible, there are also plenty of kids raised in single parent homes or orphanages and obviously, not all of them grow up with psychological issues..

 

But this isn't a Nicholas Sparks book... You can't have a child and keep the father of the child a mystery. You can't invent an ex husband. You can't expect your child won't ask questions about extended family, friends of their father, etc. I mean, claiming you got pregnant by a guy with no family, friends, or connections? Come on now.

 

If I was not an OW and I had simply said that I would like to have a child with the man I love and I would love to see his features reflected in my child's face and I want to bring up the child well and be a contributing member of society, I suppose most people wouldn't have an issue with that..

 

Actually, I quite specifically said anybody who says they want to have a baby because if they get dumped they still have a part of their ex is really, really not ok.

 

Anyway, right now I can't have a child because MM is not wanting one now... And even if he did, it doesn't mean that we would have one just because we wanted one.... It would be nice if I could convince him to least try and if the divine answer ends up as no, so be it.

 

No AP in their right mind who intends on not being caught has a baby with their mistress.

 

I know he is not in a relationship with me just because of sex so it cannot be a case of him worrying that a baby would block his access to me. We have been together through a 1+ year period when our closest physical interaction was just holding hands and we are still in love now. Maybe he is worried if there happened to be a miscarriage? He son is actually his second child, the first was a miscarriage and he was quite badly affected by it.. [/wuote]

 

Or maybe he's worried you'd use the baby as leverage to ruin his marriage... And he wants to hang with you without family obligations, hence the affair.

 

I realize I missed out mentioning in the first post that when I initially mentioned a baby, he did tell me I deserved better than him and I should have a happy family of my own and he felt very selfish that any time he spent with me was robbing me of time I could spend with someone else. I am probably going to get flamed for this, but I told him he wasn't selfish and I loved him and I didn't want anyone else. Then that was the point when he hugged me for a really long time and thanked me for my love. So this is why I think the answer might not be no, just that he needs more time to think about it... Maybe?

 

Um... That sounds like he dumped you.

 

Seriously, that doesn't sound like a "no," it sounds like he broke up with you. If a guy said that to me, I'd think I was dumped.

[Lady Hamilton]

Lady Hamilton, wow I have to admit the realistic summary you mentioned is a possibility even though it may seem like a distant possibility to me now... Happily in a worst case scenario, the custody battle should not be a problem since it would need to get passed in 2 countries (too complex) and in the first place, the child (if any) wouldn't be registered by me as Canadian like him. Plus I'm assuming he wouldn't want his name on the birth registry as the father in the first place..

 

Don't assume because a custody battle won't happen because it's too hard... Usually the opposite is true. The harder it will be the more people fight.

 

Not wanting his name on the birth certificate means nothing. One DNA test grants him and his wife rights to custody.

[Mayday2016]

I have a baby with a married man and it's painful. All the best moments of the last 5 months I experienced aulone. Will you share the joy of raising your baby with your married man and both his extended family and your extended family? Will both sets of grandparents coexist? Or will you tell your child that part of their family doesn't exist? Because so far, that part of my daughter's life is nonexistent and they have no idea she exists. No one knows about her except for his wife. She will never know her grandmother, aunt, or uncle because he has chosen to hide her. Do you think she'll grow up feeling secure in herself knowing that she was a secret? I second guess a lot of my decisions often because that's what mothers do. I need to always put her first because parents put kids first.

 

It is painful. I relive the pain often. There's a lot of joy but my daughter has his blue eyes, she is already long and lean like him, she has his lips, his cheeks, his hair color. She is his clone. If you think that is easy you would be mistaken. If you are so in love now imagine the fallout if you have a child. You're not just picking yourself up off the floor completely shattered; you're picking yourself up completely shattered with a clone of the person that so warped your sense of self that it will alter your world for the rest of your life. I love my daughter more than I ever could have imagined but I'm not free of him or the A, I'll always have wounds I have to revisit because I have a child with him. Don't do it.

 

If you must have a baby, have it with someone that can be an active parent- go to school functions, go to family parties, be seen in public with your kid. It's all well and good to live in the shadows of an A, it's not ok to make a child live in the shadows, too. This is a horrific idea. Horrific. And to think otherwise is grotesquely selfish.

[xxoo]

This man is raising his son. His son is important to him, and the focus of his life.

 

Why would you think he'd be ok with another child of his being raised elsewhere, without his love, support, and guidance? What parent would agree to that? What parent would be ok with creating a child just to abandon them? He knows what it means to love a child. He's not going to create another child intending to abandon and neglect. What a painful thought.

 

I really don't think you've considered any of this from his perspective at all

 

If you want to have a baby, go to a sperm bank and have a baby. You can be honest about the parentage, and you'll have someone more important in your life than this married dude. With any luck, you and he will lose interest in each other.

[goodyblue]

Yes. My h has an adult daughter. I have six children, two if whom are grown and married. The other four my h and I raise together. My h wanted a big family but as soon as his daughter was born the sex slowed to a crawl and his ex said no more kids, so in my children he is fulfilled and is a wonderful father figure. We have no children together.

 

I stand by my feeling that you are willing to trick him. You will always love your baby but your child may not be ok with what happened to them because of their parentage.

 

And really... what if he decides to go for joint custody? Would you be ok with that? With his wife raising your child part time? What if she resents your baby and treats it terribly? What if the baby's brother is awful to it?

 

I am sorry, I am not trying to be awful, I understand your feelings but when it comes to children you must look at all aspects of the situation. All possible outcomes. Nobody knows what a MM will do because we only see part of them. Trust me on this. When my h left his ex and we began dating openly it was rough and we went to therapy to help us both relearn our relationship and who we were to one another. We are very happy and have a wonderful life together, I was lucky. But this could have gone sideways because the truth is I didn't know who he was as a total person at all. I am lucky that I love who he is.

 

The same goes for you. You have no idea how he would handle another child. He could freak out. He could shut you out. He could fight for custody. If he has money, he could make your life Hell, dragging you through the courts for years. You are counting on his kindness and you can't because he has no obligation to you. He could lose his sh+t and protect his family, destroying your life in the process.

 

You are thinking solely of you and not of the life and consequences of a potential child and that is wrong on your part. I am sorry, it just is. No kid deserves to come into this world at such a horrible disadvantage. It is unfair.

[Whoknew30]

You are no where ready to be a parent. I get women can get pregnant on accident but you want a baby strictly to have a part of your OM & you think you're sane enough to be a mother? You're exactly what's wrong with our country & all these kids being born without a family. Like I said I get accidents happen but to purposely do that, is the most selfish & mentally unstable thing I can think of...get your life together before you suck a innocent kid down with you. Then when it doesn't work out, you'll blame him. You need some independent counsel.

[bathtub-row]

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I will state, yet again, what my observations have been where men are concerned. For a lot of men, their priorities fall into this order: responsibility, reputation, money, family, love. I hope you note that, while women place a very high value on love, a lot of men do not. I'm not saying they don't feel it, hunger for it, or anything else. I'm saying that many other things will be placed over love. I've seen this happen over and over again. Men often feel like failures if they shirk their responsibilities, so they're very cautious about doing that. This is also the exact reason why men cheat instead of divorcing.

 

What your "in love with you" MM is saying to you is that his responsibilities, money and family come before you. Even if you create a new family for him by having a child, he'll defer to his "first" family. Do you think that most affairs are just about sex? The truth is, most of them are not. Most of them are entertwined with deep friendship and love. Many of them involve a MM and a single girl. Your MM was telling you the absolute truth when he said that you deserve better and that you're wasting your life on this dead-end relationship.

 

My guess is, now that you've brought up the baby issue, MM is going to slowly start pulling away from you. Don't be surprised if this starts to happen. You have unwittingly made him feel threatened and he will now start to protect the things he values most. This is not to say that he doesn't love you. It only means that love does not rate as high in his life as you'd like it to.

 

The truth is, if you were determined to have a child by him, you should've never brought it up to him. It's your body and your life. While I don't think it would've been your best move, it would've been the most effective way to get the result you wanted. Now you're going to have to get him drunk... Lol.

 

But, yes, this would be tricking him. Listen to Mayday. She is living this grand experience every day. I know you think your MM is different but you'll soon learn what happens when you corner a lion.

Edited May 31, 2016 by bathtub-row

[HeCantBreakMe]

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I will state, yet again, what my observations have been where men are concerned. For a lot of men, their priorities fall into this order: responsibility, reputation, money, family, love. I hope you note that, while women place a very high value on love, a lot of men do not. I'm not saying they don't feel it, hunger for it, or anything else. I'm saying that many other things will be placed over love. I've seen this happen over and over again. Men often feel like failures if they shirk their responsibilities, so they're very cautious about doing that. This is also the exact reason why men cheat instead of divorcing.

 

What your "in love with you" MM is saying to you is that his responsibilities, money and family come before you. Even if you create a new family for him by having a child, he'll defer to his "first" family. Do you think that most affairs are just about sex? The truth is, most of them are not. Most of them are entertwined with deep friendship and love. Many of them involve a MM and a single girl. Your MM was telling you the absolute truth when he said that you deserve better and that you're wasting your life on this dead-end relationship.

 

My guess is, now that you've brought up the baby issue, MM is going to slowly start pulling away from you. Don't be surprised if this starts to happen. You have unwittingly made him feel threatened and he will now start to protect the things he values most. This is not to say that he doesn't love you. It only means that love does not rate as high in his life as you'd like it to.

 

The truth is, if you were determined to have a child by him, you should've never brought it up to him. It's your body and your life. While I don't think it would've been your best move, it would've been the most effective way to get the result you wanted. Now you're going to have to get him drunk... Lol.

 

But, yes, this would be tricking him. Listen to Mayday. She is living this grand experience every day. I know you think your MM is different but you'll soon learn what happens when you corner a lion.

 

I have to agree with this statement. I read somewhere that Married Men stay and Married Women divorce (regarding affairs). Women are such emotional creatures. We would rather live off emotion, follow love, etc. Men are driven by responsibility which is why after affairs end I think men suffer and feel remorse and depression but are able to move forward maybe a little easier because their sense of duty? This is also why they want to keep their Affair partner tied to them because they can take care of their responsibility and have the person they want. Cake and eating it too.. :mad:

[Gert]

Gert, could I ask how your family member found out about his parents?

 

He found out just after his father died when his half-siblings, attended their mutual father's funeral!

 

One of the things that distressed him so much was discovering that his mother in particular had lied to him for all his life.

Edited June 1, 2016 by Gert

[minimariah]

Don't assume because a custody battle won't happen because it's too hard... Usually the opposite is true. The harder it will be the more people fight.

 

true.

 

& the courts are more aware of fathers rights than ever! many fathers who actually go for a custody (joint or sole) win their battles.

[Lady Hamilton]

true.

 

& the courts are more aware of fathers rights than ever! many fathers who actually go for a custody (joint or sole) win their battles.

 

It's not perfect in terms of men's rights, but the old standard of mom always gets the kids and dad gets every other weekend is fading fast. Courts want to do 50/50 these days and are inclined to compel as opposed to dismiss it.

[Versailles]

[]

 

It's true that MM really doesn't want a baby now but I'm hoping he will change his mind... I will try to find another good opportunity to talk to him about it... He does know I would love to have children and he does know he is the only one I would want to have a child with... And it's also true enough that he has always wanted more children (W is beyond childbearing years).. And during the first few months of our relationship, he did mention that if we had a baby, the child would be beautiful if she was a girl (he would prefer a girl since he already has a boy). I'd take it that emotionally, he would want a baby but logic is preventing him from saying yes. The question is how to convince him logically to say yes, let's try for one... Or since that is close to impossible... How to let his emotional side win and ignore the logic part... I have no idea how to go about doing that but I could at least talk to him more about it and understand his logic for saying no?

 

And yes, despite everything, I am serious about wanting a child with him (if he is willing to try) because between adopting and having my own child with the man I love.. Obviously I would prefer the latter. A donor from a sperm bank is out of the question since I wouldn't know his family's medical history... Plus I really don't like the idea of combining my dna with that of a complete stranger. I know it may be silly, but the thought is squeamish to me! It's true that having a child is a selfish reason because I want the joy of bringing up a child and I would like to leave a bit of myself after I die, but on the other hand, regardless of the child's parentage... Everyone has children for selfish reasons (or by "accidents").. Even perfectly happy couples in great marriages want children to complete their marriage or similar reasons as mine or other personal reasons. Nobody goes around having children because the children want to be born...

 

As for my potential plan to keep the child (if any) from knowing his/her parentage by lying about it my whole life, I don't really see why it should be such an issue. It can't possibly be better for the child to know he/she is from a secret relationship, why not let him/her think that the father left the marriage? And if I don't say anything, no one will know since I wouldn't even tell my parents who the father is. I have an adopted cousin who is already 38 and doesn't know he is adopted so keeping parentage a secret is certainly proven to work. In fact, if I were to appear at the next major family gathering and present even an adopted child as my own with ex-H, no one would question it... It's been 1.5 years and none of my relatives know I am D because my parents have refused to let out the news.. The first couple of family gatherings after D, my parents told me to say ex-H was on a business trip and couldn't make it, after that, I got angry at being forced to lie and skipped all gatherings after that. Obviously my parents have no idea how upsetting it is to put up with well meaning relatives who ask about ex-H and for me to smile and apologize on his behalf for not being there (and continue to say nice things about him)! I would really have preferred to let out the news, let everyone ask whatever they want to ask and then close the chapter. So as far as family is concerned, everyone still thinks I am married... I suppose I am not just MM's secret, I am now my parents' secret too...

 

Oh, and for the record, I did not D because of MM. It was an eventuality even if MM hadn't appeared in my life and without repeating the story, I will just summarize that there were too many things wrong with the marriage and D was definitely one of the best decisions I have ever made for myself, not for family, not for others but really just for me.

 

Sorry for rambling at the last bit... I am still not happy with my parents' decision..

 

Finally on possible custody issues in future, it is certainly theoretically possible but I believe it would be difficult in reality. First, I don't think MM would fight openly for custody, he wouldn't do that to me.. Second, MM and I are from different nationalities, so the most likely scenario is that his country would grant him custody and my country would grant me custody.. It's not so easy to get both countries to agree to the same decision..

Edited June 5, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge threads

[Satu]

It seems a shame to me that you haven't met a nice unattached man.

 

Your MM is neither nice nor unattached.

 

From a bad marriage, into an affair with a married man, is like being in car crash, and then falling off your bike.

 

No real chance of happiness in either situation.

 

 

Take care.

Edited June 5, 2016 by Satu

[loveisanaction]

Your married man does not want to have a child with you, this is the reason he keeps pulling out (sorry, i don't know how else to say it).

 

He understands the type of relationship you both have...you don't!

 

At the beginning of the affair he probably did say he'd like to have a baby with you because he was still in the honeymoon phase.

 

I say this gently but the reason why you're on here talking about having a child with him (even restarting another thread about it) is because you know if you told this to your married man he will tell you what you don't want to hear; that he doesn't want a child with you.

 

If you truly believe he wants a child with you talk to him about it.

[imsosad]

If you do not undrstand your MM logic of saying no, and if you believe that some meaningless ramble about a beautiful baby girl is an indication he wants to have a baby, I think you are so deep in denial that reality is fading to you.

Sorry, but from the way you write about a baby you have no dea what parenting entails. None.

I think you hope to give MM something his W cant and that will make him will choose you over her.

This whole idea is so crazy and childish, I really cant find the words.

[Lady Hamilton]

Don't armchair litigate a situation you can't possibly know the facts on without talking to a lawyer, or several, and extensively researching the past and current precedents.

 

Living close to Canada, I can tell you the two counties work together on issues like this more readily than you think. They are two very pro-child countries that have no issues ordering each other to return a child/dual citizen to the custody of another parent regardless of country the parent is in.

 

And don't assume you know what will happen as a worst case scenario when everything is going on your best case scenario. If you're found out and the wife knows about you, what he does to get you out of the picture may be quite ruthless. If there's a child involved, what he does, or even what she does, to make sure you don't take the child from them could be brutal.

 

If it were me and we woke up in some alternate universe where my husband cheated and he had a child with his OW and we were reconciling, I would make it my singular mission to get that child in our lives 50% of the time at the very least, regardless of what she thought would happen or what promises of euphoria and devotion he'd extended to her. I'd tell the world he had a baby with somebody who he expressly told he didn't want a child with, but had anyway because she wanted a piece of him, and we were fighting for custody. And I'd give zero craps at how crazy and desperate that made you look.

[sandylee1]

What part of "No" didn't you understand when he said it. Get a sperm donor to have a child. Then see how time MM even has for you when you're pregnant and when you have the child.

 

My guess is things would end if you had a child. Don't waste your fertile years with him.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I am trying to follow your thought processes here.

 

You state you have a 38 year old adopted relative who is unaware of that fact and point to that as a successful hidden parentage example. Being that you are aware of it...makes it not hidden...other people know..it is just that this particular relative is unaware of how the rest of his family lies to them....for now.

 

You talk about how it makes you feel to "act" in front of your family about who you really are....and then want to do the exact same thing to your potential child.

 

You say you understand that the MM has logical reasons for not wanting a child with you then state you want to find some emotional ways to strong arm him into having a child. Most of us realize that it is always the emotional decisions that we have made that we end up having regret over. Logical ones hardly ever. Don't you find it odd at all that you place emotions over logic. Emotions are not always static or are/remain true. Logic does though.

 

Are you able to be critical of your own thought processes. Are you able to hear others point out faults in your thinking. Are you able to rewire any faulty wiring you find. Do you normally try to out maneuver those closest to you to get your way. Can you separate self from others...meaning...that others have the right to their decisions.

[Lady Hamilton]

Not to mention that an adoption is in no way comparable to this situation in any way, shape, or form.

 

When one is adopted, parentage is established immediately. Once those papers are signed, the adoptive parents become parents. It becomes much easier to hide the adoption because, as far as the state is concerned, the parents are the people who signed the papers. The matter is said and done and any "before" for the child is terminated, especially if it's a closed, anonymous adoption.

 

But in this situation, it's entirely different.

 

She is proposing inventing a person to conceal another person. So, what... Is she going to lie on the birth certificate and invent a name of a person? Or is she going to leave it blank?

 

If she leaves it blank that means the father can come back anytime and petition being added to the birth certificate and having his inaliable rights as a father granted.

 

But perhaps more importantly, by leaving it blank, it means the child will figure out that he or she is not the child of a former marriage (a former husband would have himself named on the certificate). It means if she moves on to a meaningful relationship with a steady person, that steady person will never, ever be able to adopt the child. It means that any inheritance he or she is owed will never happen. It even means that certain social benefits (welfare, food stamps) and even things like public scholarships for college will be adversely impacted. Things like medical history will be a total mystery, which makes the identification of family medical trends almost impossible.

 

I know it sounds like no big deal, but having social benefits compromised should the worst happen... That's scary. Not knowing medical history? Hell, my mother's parent died at a young age and we had no medical history on them. When I presented with symptoms of an illness that usually runs in families, it took me far longer to get diagnosed because I had nobody to point to as a genetic link to the illness. The reality is this illness probably ran in that parent's family, and if I could have said that I would have saved time, money, and pain.

 

And that's just the impact of not having the concrete info of a maternal parent's side of the family past the age of 30. Imagine having no information at all.

 

Any background check this child will do risks exposure. Every college application. Every time they have to verify their identity with a birth certificate. That is very different from the adoptive parent who is legally the parent and the time before that washed away, legally and otherwise.

[Gemlove]

I'm not known for making really good decisions, but this is a really really bad decision. Please just let it go - if he wants to be with you, he will leave his wife - but it seems he hasn't even given you any reason to believe those are his intentions. Not to mention, your reasons are just not good ones for Bringing a child into this