Thinking of having a baby with MM

[Sassy Girl]

Don't get a sperm donor. Don't adopt.

 

It's clear you have no idea about what putting someone else's needs behind your own. You're not ready to be a mother.

 

You know what you should so? Intensive counselling. Not a single person on this thread, OW or otherwise thinks this is a good idea... Even women who have children with their MM have told you how ridiculous and selfish an idea this is. You are not being mature,logical or rational. I can only suggest counselling.

[Girlfromcali]

If you have Netflix, watch the show called Redfern Now, and episode called "consequences".

 

That pretty much describes what's going to happen. So sad, I cried

 

The child ends up growing up feeling unloved and disregarded. The OW was with the the MM for 22 years, and finally broke it off because the affair child followed him home one time, and he got scared that he was going to get found out..

 

Anyway, when she leaves the town and asks to see her dad one more time...she asks him "why did you leave my mother?" He says "you're not going to like my answer, it's going to make you hate me". She says "nothing you can say can make me hate you more than I already do". Then he says " because it was easier to disappoint your mother than it would have been to disappoint my wife".

 

She never saw him again.

[privategal]

Imagine being married...and another woman is planning a child with your husband.

You wear the ring, took the vows, had his child, bear his life insurance, keep up the household, plan the holidays...love him....but another woman has entered the picture and your husband whom you treasure, is not only making a fool of you while engaging sexually with your husband...that isnt enough...she will also steal his sole devotion to your own offspring by creating a child with him.

She stops at nothing.

Doesnt matter its wrong, doesnt matter she can date and find a single man ....she wants another womans so she will take what she wants.

[Moxie Lady]

Its really very simple.

 

MM does not want to be tied to OP forever, and having a child with her would do that. He wants to be free to walk away from OP completely when he is ready.

[SoleMate]

Versailles, solely for the sake of a child you might bear, I beg you not to do this. Just imagine MM learning of a pregnancy....if he reacts typically, it will be with hostility, accusations, extreme hatred, even violence. It is beyond cruel to deliberately plan a life for any child, to be lived in the shadows of rejection, the anguish of neglect and disownment, and the fog of lies and denial. Perhaps one day you will have a child, and I know you want her or him to live acknowledged and welcomed, in the sunlight of family love, whoever the family may be. Right?

[Mayday2016]

You will purposely get pregnant. You will try and trap him. To essentially 'steal' his sperm if he's stupid enough to let you; if he's smart he's had the big V, he just hasn't had the balls to tell you. I know it; you see a child as a way to keep him in your life, to tie him to you for eternity. That's not the right way to do it. It secures nothing.

 

Do you know what happened to me? When I told XMM I was pregnant? He stopped the romance and affection, he stopped falling in love. He kept screwing me up until 10 days I delivered but he didn't care about me anymore. He really, really was starting to open his heart to me. But the pregnancy burst the bubble, it made it 'real' and the fantasy died for him. He was terrified. And I last saw him alone when our daughter was 6 weeks old. She's now 23 weeks. He's now just a memory and we have seen each other passing like ships in the night in a court room once last month and again in a few days. My pregnancy destroyed the A. Yours will too. He won't stay. He will run, run far away. But if you're lucky he'll throw $$ at you and sign away his rights to the baby, that's the best outcome for all if you're devious enough to get pregnant on purpose. And I think you will. You sound mentally unwell. You sound obsessed. You sound like inpatient therapy may be a good option to help treat these thoughts of self-destruction and self-harm. These are visions of grandeur, delusion, and narcissism.

[xxoo]

[]It's been 1.5 years and none of my relatives know I am D because my parents have refused to let out the news.. The first couple of family gatherings after D, my parents told me to say ex-H was on a business trip and couldn't make it, after that, I got angry at being forced to lie and skipped all gatherings after that. Obviously my parents have no idea how upsetting it is to put up with well meaning relatives who ask about ex-H and for me to smile and apologize on his behalf for not being there (and continue to say nice things about him)! I would really have preferred to let out the news, let everyone ask whatever they want to ask and then close the chapter. So as far as family is concerned, everyone still thinks I am married... I suppose I am not just MM's secret, I am now my parents' secret too...

 

You are an adult. You don't need to keep secrets for your parents. Live your life.

 

YOu've got a screwed up dynamic with your parents, and you're planning on keeping secrets from your child. This isn't healthy, even if it's what has been modeled for you. Envision something better for yourself and your potential child. Envision living in light and honesty. Dream big.

[whichwayisup]

You will purposely get pregnant. You will try and trap him. To essentially 'steal' his sperm if he's stupid enough to let you; if he's smart he's had the big V, he just hasn't had the balls to tell you. I know it; you see a child as a way to keep him in your life, to tie him to you for eternity. That's not the right way to do it. It secures nothing.

 

Do you know what happened to me? When I told XMM I was pregnant? He stopped the romance and affection, he stopped falling in love. He kept screwing me up until 10 days I delivered but he didn't care about me anymore. He really, really was starting to open his heart to me. But the pregnancy burst the bubble, it made it 'real' and the fantasy died for him. He was terrified. And I last saw him alone when our daughter was 6 weeks old. She's now 23 weeks. He's now just a memory and we have seen each other passing like ships in the night in a court room once last month and again in a few days. My pregnancy destroyed the A. Yours will too. He won't stay. He will run, run far away. But if you're lucky he'll throw $$ at you and sign away his rights to the baby, that's the best outcome for all if you're devious enough to get pregnant on purpose. And I think you will. You sound mentally unwell. You sound obsessed. You sound like inpatient therapy may be a good option to help treat these thoughts of self-destruction and self-harm. These are visions of grandeur, delusion, and narcissism.

 

Harshly said post reply, but it needed to be said. V please seek counseling because your frame of mind and 'plan' here is going to ruin your life and not in a good way. Respectfully, you're not making wise decisions. To purposely hide the truth from your child (IF by chance you do get pregnant) is an awful thing to do to him/her. For obvious reasons, I'll let you figure those reasons out on your own.

[Dancewithme]

[]

 

{"It's true that MM really doesn't want a baby now but I'm hoping he will change his mind..." Versailles }

 

my God, Versailles, you are scaring me. You are not talking about a puppy or a sports car.... You are discussing a human being. And creating said human being with someone who doesn't want it? Do you hate children? Why would you want to bring your potential child into the world under these circumstances? Why would you want to inflict such pain and drama on MM, BW, and potential baby, for your own selfish purposes?

 

("Sorry for rambling at the last bit... I am still not happy with my parents' decision.. " Versailles}

 

You are angry about your parents' lies about your marital status... Imagine how your potential child will feel about your lies about his/her parentage, or if the child finds out he was the product of an extramarital affair, and his father didn't want him, and half of his bio family does not know he exists?

 

Talk about potential existential crisis.

 

You must really hate children.

 

Please listen to the OW who have had children with their MM. please pay attention to Mayday's postings. This is not the way to poach the MM from his wife, and skip happily into the sunset.There are so many people who are trying to help you avoid the train wreck you are hell-bent on getting into. Please seek counseling, your thought processes are so twisted, it's scary.

[wmacbride]

This concept the op is putting forth is very troubling, and I don't think she understands why.

 

Children need to know their biological parentage, especially this day and age when so many illnesses are found be have a genetic component to them. It can affect their diagnosis and treatment, and can even help them to keep from getting sick in the first place.

 

( btw, it is estimated that over 6,000 diseases have a genetic component to them....source-http://www.geneticdiseasefoundation.org/)

 

Op, imagine yourself trying to explain to your child why he or she can't have access to real information about his or her father. You plan on lying, but the chances that your child will find out are very high. How will you explain that to them?

 

If you think they will understand your explanation, you're likely dead wrong. You could risk scaring them for life.

 

 

btw, find me one man who was happy when the woman he was sleeping with pressured or tricked him into getting her pregnant. He'll probably hate you with a vengeance you will never have experienced.

 

Why risk that for you and your potential child? How can you do that to someone who would be depending on you so much?

[goodyblue]

Imagine being married...and another woman is planning a child with your husband.

You wear the ring, took the vows, had his child, bear his life insurance, keep up the household, plan the holidays...love him....but another woman has entered the picture and your husband whom you treasure, is not only making a fool of you while engaging sexually with your husband...that isnt enough...she will also steal his sole devotion to your own offspring by creating a child with him.

She stops at nothing.

Doesnt matter its wrong, doesnt matter she can date and find a single man ....she wants another womans so she will take what she wants.

 

And that woman's husband will give it to her. So it isn't really as pretty a family portrait as you are trying to make.

 

But the point still is, don't do it. And I agree.

[bathtub-row]

Harshly said post reply, but it needed to be said. V please seek counseling because your frame of mind and 'plan' here is going to ruin your life and not in a good way. Respectfully, you're not making wise decisions. To purposely hide the truth from your child (IF by chance you do get pregnant) is an awful thing to do to him/her. For obvious reasons, I'll let you figure those reasons out on your own.

 

It doesn't matter what anyone says, OP is in fantasyland about MM and having his love child. Sometimes people just need to make their own mistakes and learn things the hard way.

[Midwestmissy]

This is all very disturbing. He has clearly made a decision, has been clear with Versailles about it, yet she still sees a chance. This is why some mm don't break it off with the ow when they should. The possibility of her coming unhinged is huge. If she's open about having a child with him, even after he's said no, there's not much else she wouldn't try.

 

The fact is, men divorce their wives, and share custody. Every. Single. Day. This man has a much longer history and much more intimate knowledge of his wife than this 12 month affair. That relationship is the one he wants long term. You actually have no idea about their baby wishes or anything. You're a mistress to a liar. You do not know what's happening in that marriage, trust me.

 

For you Versailles to continue to contemplate this shows poor logic and poor judgment, and is frightenening - especially bringing an innocent lamb into this. I have 3 kids. If you could see the messed up things their peers go through with messed up families, it would break your heart. The worst off kids? The ones with an over the top selfish or narcissistic parent. They know they're pawns and they resent the parent and suffer immeasurably. Then, they turn 18 and cut the parent out of their lives forever, and the parent is shocked. And of course blames the child for not being grateful. Lather, rinse, repeat. Poor me, my child used me. Where would a child learn such a thing?

 

He has told you that he doesn't want a baby with you. You're afraid of him choosing his wife (he already has) so you're going to use the one manipulative tactic you possess in order to trap him. The one tactic that gives women a bad name. This is all about you and your issues. Not one poster has said this a good idea. Yet, you're convinced it'll be all rosy.

 

I hate to say it, but this is the kind of messed up decision making that gets people on the 6 o'clock news. Please get some counselling before anything else. This is pretty nuts, and why children's services are overextended everywhere. Spend 6mos to a year in therapy and on birth control before pulling this trigger.

[Cherryz]

It really sound sick minded to ask advice for such thing.

 

You are wrong for messing with someones man.

Now you want to have a kid or force him to have a kid with you?

 

The child will for sure suffer. No one accept or see a child of a affair as something great. This will chase your kid his whole life.

And also you! Beside a child need a father for many reason. So stop thinking selfish.

 

Stop messing with this man.He is not yours. He is married and have a wife.

And his wife is his priority. You are just someone he is using for pleasure.

You can never win from a wife!

 

Break this affair, work on your self esteem and values , have some dignity, and find someone single!

[goodyblue]

That is not true, few would suggest that any woman should have a baby with any man who is not 100% on board no matter how much they may "love" him.

 

I also stated this in my first post on this thread. A woman should never trap a man into being part of her life for the rest of her life by getting pregnant.

 

Not only that but man, why can't Versailles see the problem with what she is suggesting? You never, ever, ever have a baby with a married man. Why is the MM's son not even a consideration in this? Even if you put aside the feelings of the wife, if you have decided she is evil and doesn't deserve consideration, this dude has a growing, living, breathing son. What is this kid going to go through when he finds out he has a sibling? Another kid to replace him because he wasn't good enough and neither was his mom.

 

It is just a mess. I can't even wrap my head around it.

Edited June 6, 2016 by goodyblue

[sandylee1]

Perhaps reading this will knock sense into many MM. When you entangle yourself with an OW who is desperate for a baby it will cause a lot of problems for you.

 

OP - if you MUST have a child and you have every right to want to be a mother, then find another father or visit the sperm bank. Children are a lifelong commitment, do you really understand that? Don't think of having a child that is a dirty secret or despised by his wife and family, despite it's innocence..... why do you want it's existence to destroy others. Others being his family.

[summerdowling87]

I think it's a bad idea-(and that's putting it lightly).

 

Why.

1. Your baby will be born with a dad in & out of it's life-My parents were married & my dad is a deadbeat for all of my life and my other 5 siblings.

2. You said you will essentially lie to your child about where they came from? Why?

3.You're aren't thinking of his son...What if the mom gets pissed and takes him away?. The you have a baby that the brother never sees or he does't want to see.

4. If your parents are ashamed by your Div. What will they think of you having you MM's baby?.

5. This guy is married. So if your baby gets sick or is up all night who will help you? Is the MM supposed to drop his son and come running?

[Versailles]

Actually.. One thing I don't understand is MM's response after the last time I talked to him about the possibility of a child together and that I didn't need him to leave his family or take responsibility for the child. Theoretically, he should be more worried than before since he doesn't want a child and yes, there's no change since he continues to use protection when we have the opportunity to be intimate. But strangely enough, he seems happier than before and tries to meet up more often than before (when his schedule allows). I don't quite understand why... Is he maybe happy at the confirmation that I don't expect him to leave his family and I will still love him? Or is he maybe scared that I brought the subject up and he just wants to enjoy another few months of our relationship together before ending it so this is actually the beginning of the end? Or maybe he is still considering the idea and he might say yes later on? If none of the above is correct, what other possible reasons could there be...?

 

I do find it peculiar that he's happier than before I brought up the somewhat taboo topic... It's so confusing....

 

And yes, much as I would like to have a child with him, i can't force him into agreeing, I'll try and see if I can persuade him over time...

[Versailles]

hi summerdowling87, thanks for bringing up some valid points. Yes I did say I will hide the truth behind the child's birth but that's to protect him/her as well as MM's family. It does no good for the child to learn that his/her parents are in love but not married to each other, and neither does it help MM's family to know of my (or my potential child's) existence.

 

Yeah, you are absolutely right, my parents will flip if I suddenly announced I was having a baby! But if I have a child, he/she will not have to grow up with family that doesn't accept him/her. Better to have no grandparents than grandparents who don't want him/her. I will be all the family that he or she needs until he/she grows up and creates his/her own family.

 

I realize I'm creating a tough life for myself and choosing to tread on a difficult road but if MM is willing to have a child with me, I will bear sole responsibility as the single parent without his support.

[CarrieT]

Yes I did say I will hide the truth behind the child's birth but that's to protect him/her as well as MM's family. It does no good for the child to learn that his/her parents are in love but not married to each other, and neither does it help MM's family to know of my (or my potential child's) existence.

I'm going to refer you back to my post on our first page, here.

And I'll repeat it here:

Look, one of my oldest friends (30 years now) had an OM's child. My goddaughter is about 13 years old and I can't tell you how much therapy she will end up going knowing she is the product of an affair and that her father only sees her three times a year - when he can sneak away from his MAIN family. This poor girl is already suicidal; believing she is not as valued because her father doesn't acknowledge her.

 

Versailles, if you go through with this, I pity the poor child you will create. It is beyond selfish of you to want this for yourself and not think of how it will affect the child.

 

You acknowledge that you are doing this for selfish reasons, but do you have any concept how much damage this will do to your child? I am beside myself that you would inflict upon another human being - that you have yet to create - that much confusion, pain, and trauma.

[bathtub-row]

Have you ever heard the expression, "It takes a village to raise a child"? You speak of this child like it's a thing, a memento of MM, and not a living, breathing human with thoughts and feelings apart from your own; a little human that will put so many demands on you and change your life in so many ways you can't even fathom. While I do understand that Nature doesn't discriminate and children can be born to almost anyone, that's merely a mechanism of Nature to ensure that the human race survive. It doesn't mean that you shouldn't take child rearing very, very seriously.

 

You're thinking of secreting this child away and have convinced yourself that it won't matter in the grand scheme of things. But it will matter. And MM knows dang well what it means to have a child and the full impact of that. Why he's acting the way he is now is hard to say. Perhaps he plans to leave his wife, or perhaps he's about to blindside you in a way you've never been blindsided before. This is the fun of being in an affair -- you're constantly in the dark and forever second-guessing him and yourself.

[Lady Hamilton]

So you get your way and you have a baby...

 

Now what?

 

Does MM meet her?

Is the child there when he comes to your house looking for you or is the child shuttled off?

Can he lay claim to his own child, or will you both lie to the child and say he's Uncle So-And-So?

What happens if he vanished after you introduce him to the child?

How will you raise a child alone and adjust them to the loss of the person who they saw as a father or father figure?

How will you raise a child 100% alone with no help from anybody at all?

If he doesn't disappear, how will you keep the child from revealing that he has a relationship with you and him/her?

How will you handle issues that come up with raising a child? Does he get no say in anything and only you can make choices for the child? Or do you split it?

If you get outed and now you're in a messy custody battle, then what?

 

It sounds like you just want to pretend that you have a little family, either to make you feel more secure in the relationship or to trick yourself into viewing the relationship as valid as his marriage. Ties that bind and all of that.

 

The reality of raising a baby alone, with no help, no support, while lying to it every day of its whole life is far more difficult than you make it out to be. The fact you'd even say "all the child needs is me" goes to show how little you've thought this through.

 

If you want a momento of your time with MM in case he dumps you, get a dog together. Keep a diary. Save his texts. Keep a shirt. Don't create a human.

Edited June 12, 2016 by Lady Hamilton

[elaine567]

 

If you want a momento of your time with MM in case he dumps you, get a dog together. Keep a diary. Save his texts. Keep a shirt. Don't create a human.

Don't even get a dog together.

He doesn't want any long term commitment with you, you would end up with the dog to walk, feed and look after.

Edited June 12, 2016 by elaine567

[goodyblue]

I think you need to see someone about the narcissistic view you have regarding this situation.

[imperfectangel]

OP, if I were you just read Mays post. I think the title is something like MM wife wants to meet. She had a baby with her MM. It may make you realise all the trouble that could come with bringing a child into an affair