Thinking of having a baby with MM

[Onlywhenitrains]

OP - I completely understand deep love and connection you feel about your MM. I know it, because I still feel it on some days for my xMM.

 

That being said, having a child should be a joint decision of two people who are in love and want to have and raise a child together. That doesn't seem to be the case for your MM and you.

 

He does NOT want it.

[Dancewithme]

I Can follow you versailles, and think what you write is very sweet and shows how much you love him, somehow i feel that maybe you need to put a little pressure on him to choose you wholeheartedly, instead of as it is now, because i think he loves you very much (i remember what you wrote long time ago) but i think you know yourself what to do so i dont want to come with advice, i just hope your dreams come true and in time you and him Will have a beautiful little baby, and you Will have him by your side:)

 

Read this OP's previous thread. I am sorry I feel this advice is not helpful to OP. She needs to pull her head out of her a** and get real. This man is using her for fun and games, when he wants it. She has no control over anything with him, and is grasping at straws to have more of him, or at least, a memory of him.

 

OP, if you are so enamoured with being a mom, let this be you first act of motherly love: DONT BRING A CHILD INTO THESE CIRCUMSTANCES.

Think about what being an affair child could do to your future child's self esteem, psyche, all that. And, DONT DO IT. Go on the internet, search any number of stories from people who were children of affairs. Sounds heartbreaking, and sucks for them.

 

Seek IC today. Please, for the sake of everybody, but especially you. This is unhealthy to want this under these circumstances. Break it off with this man, get your head together. Then, find a man who is all yours who can be proud to publicly be your future children's father.

[goodyblue]

Some posters in here Seem to be very judmental and "a bit" evil, and they say they come with Sound advice eventhough they themselves seem to be in situations one could consider much worse, that to me is a bit ironic and and maybe asks for a bit of introspection rather than telling Versailles how "a lot of bad Words" she is:( afterall no one of us have Walked her shoes)

 

Let me share something with you. I have been here a loooonnnnggg time. My marriage began as an affair. I have empathy for those who find themselves in an affair and understand the feelings, the ups and downs, the difficult and wonderful parts. I have even been accused over and over of being an affair cheerleader.

 

Thing is... no matter what kind of relationship you are in, married or single, YOU DONT TRICK A GUY AND TRAP HIM INTO BEING PART OF YOUR LIFE FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIVES BY GETTING PREGNANT!

 

And that child. Jesus. This dude will stay with his wife, she will of course find out, then his son will find out. The son will never forgive his father, the affair child will be shunned by its own father and siblings, will be a dirty secret and have a f'd up childhood and probably adulthood.

 

Look at the bigger picture and stop posting heart emoticons when Versailles is considering destroying the lives of so many people including her own and that of her potential child.

 

The dude said no. No maybe. Not perhaps he could be cajoled into it. So now she is trying to trick him!

 

Versailles, please listen. I understand your feelings on this, I do. But for affairs they either turn into a full time relationship or they end. Either way most of us realize what a disaster it was and are so glad to be in a normal loving relationship. You don't want to be tied to this guy. He could get 50/50 custody. What then? His wife raises your child half the time. Please don't make this huge error.

 

Hang in there and try to make logical, not emotional decisions. In affairs we tend to forget what normalcy looks like.

 

Good luck and I hope you back away from this.

[wmacbride]

op,

if your mm loved you, how can he continue to ask you to stay in this relationship that is slowly but surely taking away the bits and pieces of your life that matter to you, such as being a mother?

[Robert]

Review completed, for those who got points they stick. Think about that when posting from here on out. ~ V

Edited May 30, 2016 by Robert

[Lady Hamilton]

If it's a no or maybe, how do I convince him to say yes? I would really like a child with him so that next time if he ever chooses to leave, I'd still have a part of him with me... And I would really like my own child with him... If I don't, I'd probably end up adopting since I don't want to be intimate with anyone else other than him. I've been trying to get him to forget to use protection but he always remembers or pulls out at the last minute...

 

So, even if we were to look at this as a "regular" relationship, I tend to find if you're saying "He doesn't want a baby, but I do in case he leaves" then the motivations for having a child probably, definitely aren't where they should be.

 

Planning a baby in the event of a break up? Yeah, no bueno. Not a great plan.

 

Break ups do crazy things to people. You say now you wouldn't want support and he doesn't want involvement, but if the relationship bullet train you're coasting now derails with a d-day and he throws you under the train... You may find you're in court because he wants shared custody with his wife, you want money, and the state wants to sort it out.

[imsosad]

You say you rather adopt than be intimate with anyone else. You are completely true and devoted to him. Does he feel the same way?

How do you reconcile that with him sleeping in the same bed with his wife every night?

Please dont say he told you they arent having sex. Ofcourse they are.

I think you want his baby out of frustration, maybe this is attempt to claim a part of him.

I really do hope you will not go through with this. A baby isnt supposed to help you through a break up,or protect you against one.

More often than not, affairs end very badly. Getting over it might be hard enough. Having a constant reminder is not as romantic as it sounds.

Babies do not solve problems and do not fix emotional and romantic issues.

It is not fair to anyone to have a baby with your MM. He is right to refuse. Dont trick him or yourself.

[VeveCakes]

Please please PLEASE think of the child for a second and not yourself or MM.

 

This is no upbringing for a child.

 

Do not dare to be this selfish.

 

I suggest seeking therapy to find alternates ways to fulfil your void.

[LostOnes05]

So let me get this straight, 7 billion people on Earth and you want to get pregnant by a married man?? That's pretty messed up. Herein lies one of my problems with cheaters and those who actively participate in cheating. They will justify anything under the sun as long as it aligns with their needs and wants...mostly wants. I wouldn't feel sorry for the cheating husband if he got caught up in a situation. He should know better. But bringing a child into something like this...c'mon.

 

What kind of moral compass you will be able to pass on to said child? How can you teach them to keep a promise or a commitment when neither their mother or father could keep one? What will you do if the child is born with a disability? Have you thought about the damage you are helping to do to a family/another woman? If you think what you are doing is ok, please think more deeply.

[ExpatInItaly]

Are you not able to find a single man? I can't believe you have zero other options.

 

And it's a no, he doesn't want to have a baby with you.

[Sassy Girl]

 

And it's a no, he doesn't want to have a baby with you.

 

Let that sink in a bit.

 

He doesn't want to have a baby with you. Not now. Not ever. Not even maybe.

 

This man, who youve devoted your life to, does not have the same devotion towards you. It's to his son, and the one woman he did choose to have a baby with.

 

That woman is not you. Time to move on.

[Versailles]

Hi CarrieT, wow you actually found my old thread! Yes, you are right to bring up that last year, I was still thinking about closure with MM because that seemed to be the way that things were going... I could see he was worried about the emotional impact on W if she found out about us given that his mother in law was terminally ill and she was already very emotionally drained.. And he did tell me that the event brought the whole family closer together and for the first time in almost a decade, he and W were able to speak like friends again and have topics to talk about other than their son. All this seemed to me to be the beginning of the end and I was somewhat prepared that he would bring up the topic that he would like to stop our relationship and go back to his family.

 

If he had brought it up then, I think I might have been able to go through with it... Not that I would have taken it well.. But probably better than at any other point.. Contrary to my own expectations, he told me that he had tried to manage his feelings but couldn't and he realized that he couldn't give up our relationship. So we continued and I think our relationship has only gotten stronger since then...and I would still really like to have a child with him even if he decides to go back to his family in future.

 

I would certainly care for my child (if I had one) and I wouldn't let him or her know about MM being an MM. I could always say MM was my ex husband or something and it wouldn't be odd that he only appeared occasionally or not at all.. I would never let the child know anything that would hurt him or her. Relatives or friends wouldn't know either as I am perfectly willing to move to a new city where no one would know or question my child's parentage. I do know what you mean about your goddaughter's situation as my aunt in law took in the daughter my uncle had with an OW and I can see that my cousin is really not in good shape emotionally...she has always wondered why her mother hates her.. Which is why I won't let anything like that happen to my own child.

 

Would it really still be such a bad idea to have a child with MM if he agrees? I can give up everything and start anew elsewhere..

[Versailles]

Gert, could I ask how your family member found out about his parents?

[ChickiePops]

Yes, it would be a bad thing. Because it's pretty clear that you aren't doing this just because you want a child, but because you're desperate to have MM in your life and you know that a baby is a good blackmailing tool.

[Sub]

I could always say MM was my ex husband or something and it wouldn't be odd that he only appeared occasionally or not at all.. I would never let the child know anything that would hurt him or her. Relatives or friends wouldn't know either as I am perfectly willing to move to a new city where no one would know or question my child's parentage.

 

Would it really still be such a bad idea to have a child with MM if he agrees? I can give up everything and start anew elsewhere..

 

As a parent, I have to say: please don't try to have a child this way. For the child's sake. I don't think you realize what you're proposing.

[imsosad]

OP,

You are very, very focused on MM. What he feels, what he needs,what he wants, the state of his R with his W...it seems to be very much about him.

Please dont take this the wrong way, im sure you are a lovely person,but the way you write about the baby is just astonishing and not in a good way. Immature, selfish and misguided come to mind.

I think your focus on MM is blinding you to see the baby as a person in its own right.

Seriously.

Making up an ex husband?

Depriving your child of knowing who their father is?

Having a baby is mot romantic at all. It is a ton of hard work. Give it some serious thought, I really dont think you have.

Sorry for the harsh tone, I really do have empathy for you.

[SoulCat]

I would certainly care for my child (if I had one) and I wouldn't let him or her know about MM being an MM. I could always say MM was my ex husband or something

 

 

So you think it's a good idea to lie to your child like that?? For the rest of his/her life? About something as important as parentage?

 

SMH...

 

Seriously, this is wrong on so many levels, and all you seem concerned about is your own selfish needs.

[LimeBlue]

I have not read the whole thread, but I think you have the wool pulled squarely over your eyes. He will continue to use protection because he is a coward like the rest of them, and he will never leave his wife or family and now he is scared you may pull a fast one on him and get yourself pregnant by him - so he is using protection to ensure that does not happen from his side. He has probably thought it through, and come to the realization that you getting pregnant would give you enough ammunition to blow his comfy double life to shreds when you take him to court for child support.

 

You sound so terribly brain washed. Please please get out of this mess you are in.

[bathtub-row]

I have to concur with the majority here. You have no idea the sh-t storm you're trying to create. Please listen carefully to what the others are saying about children from affairs. And you're completely kidding yourself if you think that you will be able to lie to your child year after year. What kind of parent does that, anyway?? You simply should not consider carrying a lie to your grave. This is so wrong.

 

Look, I was nuts about my xMM. I loved him for more than 10 years. He's one of very few men that I consciously wanted to have a child with. So I thought about what would happen if I became pregnant and realized what a mess I would create. I knew that if I wanted to keep the baby a secret, I would have to change my life and move away. Then I'd have to explain to that child someday. I have no regrets about not having a child with him.

 

What the others are saying to you is absolutely correct -- you are deluding yourself into thinking you have a relationship with this man. As the saying often goes, pay attention to what a person does, not what they say. You are completely ignoring reality by not paying attention to what MM is DOING. And you think what he SAYS actualky means something.

[Versailles]

I get the point that almost everyone thinks the whole idea is bad.... And I definitely agree that ideally, every baby should be born into a loving family with both parents (or at least be raised in such a family). But since the ideal situation is unfortunately not always possible, there are also plenty of kids raised in single parent homes or orphanages and obviously, not all of them grow up with psychological issues..

 

If I was not an OW and I had simply said that I would like to have a child with the man I love and I would love to see his features reflected in my child's face and I want to bring up the child well and be a contributing member of society, I suppose most people wouldn't have an issue with that..

 

Anyway, right now I can't have a child because MM is not wanting one now... And even if he did, it doesn't mean that we would have one just because we wanted one.... It would be nice if I could convince him to least try and if the divine answer ends up as no, so be it.

 

I know he is not in a relationship with me just because of sex so it cannot be a case of him worrying that a baby would block his access to me. We have been together through a 1+ year period when our closest physical interaction was just holding hands and we are still in love now. Maybe he is worried if there happened to be a miscarriage? He son is actually his second child, the first was a miscarriage and he was quite badly affected by it..

 

I realize I missed out mentioning in the first post that when I initially mentioned a baby, he did tell me I deserved better than him and I should have a happy family of my own and he felt very selfish that any time he spent with me was robbing me of time I could spend with someone else. I am probably going to get flamed for this, but I told him he wasn't selfish and I loved him and I didn't want anyone else. Then that was the point when he hugged me for a really long time and thanked me for my love. So this is why I think the answer might not be no, just that he needs more time to think about it... Maybe?

[elaine567]

If I was not an OW and I had simply said that I would like to have a child with the man I love and I would love to see his features reflected in my child's face and I want to bring up the child well and be a contributing member of society, I suppose most people wouldn't have an issue with that..

 

That is not true, few would suggest that any woman should have a baby with any man who is not 100% on board no matter how much they may "love" him.

[burnt]

First,

I owe an apology to OP and all other posters on this thread.

My original posts (which are now deleted by Mods) were truly inappropriate; I realize in retrospect that my tone of voice, language, and the message were disrespectful and vulgar.

 

My apology to everyone.

 

Second,

OP, you certainly heard of the phrase "affair fog", which has been mentioned in virtually every OW/OM thread. You must have read the lines "I was in the affair fog and wasn't seeing things clearly" again and again by OWs and MMs. Absolutely everyone here is iterating the same message to you--that what you are wanting is wrong. Can you just consider the possibility that maybe, just MAYBE you are in that "affair fog" and that you are feeling something that will soon fade.

 

OK, so here's a thought:

when you meet with the MM next time, propose absolutely directly that you WANT to have his child--no exception. You will only agree to be intimate with him if it's unprotected sex.

 

now hearing that, one of two things will happen:

 

(1) He will agree; and you have what you want.

 

(2) He will say 'no' and you will know for sure what he wants.

 

So, tell him honestly and directly that the only way you will have sex with him from here on is IF he's willing to let you have his child.

 

Can you do that?

[imsosad]

He is not worried about a miscarriage. He is worried about you getting pregnant. Not words,actions. He reaches for the condoms=he doesnt want to have a baby with you.

Have you considered that he and his wife might be trying for another child?

He was dead right. He is selfish and he is robbing you of your time and chance to make a good life for yourself, but you seem happy to let him do it. You THANK him for giving you his crumbs and making you second best.

Oh,girl. You are being such a fool. I really wish you to want better for yourself.

[Versailles]

Elaine567, you are right to point out his son is his priority... If it wasn't for his son, he would have ended the relationship with W long ago...and this is even before I ever appeared in his life. I see the joy his son brings in his life and I know there is nothing more important to him. You're right... He probably doesn't want any chance of his son finding out about half siblings and having his son hate him... I haven't told him about being willing to move away... Maybe that might help to change his mind? Or maybe when his son hits his teenage years in another 6 years or so... He will change his mind about having more children? (But that would be too late for me...) Or maybe he is worried that if he has other children, his own love for his son would be diluted somehow and he can't bear to do that to his son? I am not sure what he really meant by not fair to his son... Or it's just a combination of everything..?

 

Anika99, yes you're right, I'm truly glad I did go through with the divorce... As one of my D friends put it.. Best thing that ever happened in her life in years! I did try some dinner and movie dates with other men but none of them came even remotely close to the feeling I get when I'm with MM... I think I could have found a single guy who would love me.. But I wouldn't love him back and it wouldn't be fair to him... I gave up trying soon enough..

 

EverySunset, thanks for the hug!

 

Goodyblue, thanks for sharing and I'm glad everything worked out for you did your MM have children from his previous marriage? I just wanted to mention that I'm not trying to trick MM into being a part of my life... He is free to leave in future if he wants to, and I recognize I have no right to stop him. I want a part of him in my life.. Yes that's true but it need not necessarily be him in the long term.. If it's our son or daughter, I would be happy too.. I kinda know he would leave eventually and go back to Canada for his retirement years and it will probably not be possible for me to follow him there and live in the same town... And he is significantly older... Even if nothing else happened, he would likely pass on years before I do... It would be nice if we had a child or even grandchildren around me when he is gone.

 

Lady Hamilton, wow I have to admit the realistic summary you mentioned is a possibility even though it may seem like a distant possibility to me now... Happily in a worst case scenario, the custody battle should not be a problem since it would need to get passed in 2 countries (too complex) and in the first place, the child (if any) wouldn't be registered by me as Canadian like him. Plus I'm assuming he wouldn't want his name on the birth registry as the father in the first place..

 

Imsosad, I do think he feels the same way and I believe that he does love me. Umm he and W and his son all sleep in the same room in 2 different beds... The son is frightened to sleep alone and W sleeps together with the son while he sleeps alone. And honestly... He has trouble sharing beds... He wakes at the slightest movement and he is somewhat of an insomniac... Lol or maybe he just loves me as a cure to his insomnia... Apparently he can fall asleep easily when I am near...

[wmacbride]

I get the point that almost everyone thinks the whole idea is bad.... And I definitely agree that ideally, every baby should be born into a loving family with both parents (or at least be raised in such a family). But since the ideal situation is unfortunately not always possible, there are also plenty of kids raised in single parent homes or orphanages and obviously, not all of them grow up with psychological issues..

 

If I was not an OW and I had simply said that I would like to have a child with the man I love and I would love to see his features reflected in my child's face and I want to bring up the child well and be a contributing member of society, I suppose most people wouldn't have an issue with that..

 

Anyway, right now I can't have a child because MM is not wanting one now... And even if he did, it doesn't mean that we would have one just because we wanted one.... It would be nice if I could convince him to least try and if the divine answer ends up as no, so be it.

 

I know he is not in a relationship with me just because of sex so it cannot be a case of him worrying that a baby would block his access to me. We have been together through a 1+ year period when our closest physical interaction was just holding hands and we are still in love now. Maybe he is worried if there happened to be a miscarriage? He son is actually his second child, the first was a miscarriage and he was quite badly affected by it..

 

I realize I missed out mentioning in the first post that when I initially mentioned a baby, he did tell me I deserved better than him and I should have a happy family of my own and he felt very selfish that any time he spent with me was robbing me of time I could spend with someone else. I am probably going to get flamed for this, but I told him he wasn't selfish and I loved him and I didn't want anyone else. Then that was the point when he hugged me for a really long time and thanked me for my love. So this is why I think the answer might not be no, just that he needs more time to think about it... Maybe?

 

A parent shouldn't have a child for selfish reasons.

Really think about it. Go back and review all the reasons you give for wanting this child. They all start with "I want" or " I need" or "I think".

 

You would be willing to lie to your son or daughter for the rest of his or her life? Again, really think about that.

 

The very fact that you think this idea is a workable one shows that it is such a bad idea.