Thinking of having a baby with MM

[Sub]

hi summerdowling87, thanks for bringing up some valid points. Yes I did say I will hide the truth behind the child's birth but that's to protect him/her as well as MM's family. It does no good for the child to learn that his/her parents are in love but not married to each other, and neither does it help MM's family to know of my (or my potential child's) existence.

 

Yeah, you are absolutely right, my parents will flip if I suddenly announced I was having a baby! But if I have a child, he/she will not have to grow up with family that doesn't accept him/her. Better to have no grandparents than grandparents who don't want him/her. I will be all the family that he or she needs until he/she grows up and creates his/her own family.

 

I realize I'm creating a tough life for myself and choosing to tread on a difficult road but if MM is willing to have a child with me, I will bear sole responsibility as the single parent without his support.

 

When the child starts school, he/she will see her friends and classmates with 2 parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins. Any number of family members. Even the others with single parents. And the child will ask you why he/she has none of those. You'll give some convoluted answer because they're still young and may buy it for a little while. Then the child will grow even more, hit high school, and whatever answer you had given before won't be good enough.

 

Please realize that by consciously creating a tough life for yourself, you're creating a tough life for the child as well. It boggles the mind how you don't see this.

[Bufo]

I have posted this idea before. Child support isn't for you. It's for the child. What if something happens to you that leaves you unable to work. Without a court order in place the child is left without any support. Disability doesn't pay for medical insurance

 

Selfish? Yes, but also delusional. Sorry if that's harsh but I suspect you may need a 2x4 about this ridiculous plan. It will result in emotional trauma and possibly financial hardship on a child who had no vote on whether to enlist in her mother's war on convention.

 

But you'll have you permanent momento of OM, won't you?

[xxoo]

I will be all the family that he or she needs until he/she grows up and creates his/her own family.

 

You are thinking of what you want and need. A child would meet your family needs.

 

A child would grow to have his or her own wants and needs, different from yours. Many parents and others here have shared what sorts of needs to anticipate from a child. Do you care about the child's needs? Or is the important thing that the child meets your needs?

 

Reality check: even in the best of circumstances, children don't meet adults' needs. It just doesn't happen, and it shouldn't be an expectation.

[Babs22]

This is the craziest idea I have ever heard. Why does it seem like a child having two parents is optional nowadays? If you have a son, he will desperately need a male role model. If you have a daughter, she may have issues relating to men. A child having two parents is important. I work in a high school, I see what is happening to young men these days because they lack a good male role model. I see single parents struggling to take care of their children and provide for them. They are too busy working to spend time with their children.

 

What happens to this child if, God forbid, something happens to you? I worked with a student who has never known her dad, was raised by her grandmother until she passed when the girl was in the 4th grade. She then went to live with a great aunt who didn't seem to like her much. Her last two years of high school she bounced around from her sister's biological father, to her sister, to a friend of the family. I was so happy when she graduated and started going to college only to watch her become pregnant and a single mom living on government assistance. My heart breaks for her because she has always been without a family and now her son will grow up without a father.

 

What if you get ill, and can no longer work? Who will take care of your child? Will they love your child, provide for your child? These are serious questions you need to think about. I am assuming you have financial security of some kind if you don't want child support. Children are expensive. Most of my paycheck went to childcare when my kids were under 5. Will MM stick around after you have a child. Will he come over and want to spend time with you when you cannot have sex because the baby is crying or sick or just awake? How does that work when he can only show up every now and then as it is. Having a sex life with MM will be more difficult once there is a baby around all the time. Ask married couples how much harder it is for them once a baby arrives.

 

Please, please, please for all those reasons, rethink this idea of yours. It is a bad idea.

[Cloudcuckoo]

While I get the biological sirens, I think having a baby with a man who doesnt belong to you and who doesn't want to have a baby with you is a recipe for disaster.

 

As someone else has already mentioned. It might be prudent for you to read Maydays thread here about her situation, having had a baby with her married man.

 

A baby never makes it better, whatever the relationship, and the only one to really suffer from such poor and selfish choices is always the child.

 

I think you want to force this man to be bound to you for life. If this is what your real intentions are, I hesitate to say your most gargantuan attempts are doomed to failure.

 

Please don't bring an innocent life into a tenuous situation such as yours. Frankly it's cruelly unfair on a child.

[wmacbride]

hi summerdowling87, thanks for bringing up some valid points. Yes I did say I will hide the truth behind the child's birth but that's to protect him/her as well as MM's family. It does no good for the child to learn that his/her parents are in love but not married to each other, and neither does it help MM's family to know of my (or my potential child's) existence.

 

Yeah, you are absolutely right, my parents will flip if I suddenly announced I was having a baby! But if I have a child, he/she will not have to grow up with family that doesn't accept him/her. Better to have no grandparents than grandparents who don't want him/her. I will be all the family that he or she needs until he/she grows up and creates his/her own family.

 

I realize I'm creating a tough life for myself and choosing to tread on a difficult road but if MM is willing to have a child with me, I will bear sole responsibility as the single parent without his support.

 

YOU are not the one who will be facing the tough life.

 

It will be your child who carries the burden of your choices.

[wmacbride]

While I get the biological sirens, I think having a baby with a man who doesnt belong to you and who doesn't want to have a baby with you is a recipe for disaster.

 

As someone else has already mentioned. It might be prudent for you to read Maydays thread here about her situation, having had a baby with her married man.

 

A baby never makes it better, whatever the relationship, and the only one to really suffer from such poor and selfish choices is always the child.

 

I think you want to force this man to be bound to you for life. If this is what your real intentions are, I hesitate to say your most gargantuan attempts are doomed to failure.

 

Please don't bring an innocent life into a tenuous situation such as yours. Frankly it's cruelly unfair on a child.

 

Not only this, but what happens if, god forbid, your new baby isn't as perfect as you think he or she will be. What is he or she has health problems and needs extra care? what if they are born with a health problem that has it's roots in his or her genetics?

 

what then? Will you keep on lying to her and hiding her parentage?

 

I'm in the situation of one of my children having a serious health issue that may be genetic, and I would give anything to know my genetic background, as it could help her. I don't know it because I was adopted, and I never will.

 

Don't risk putting another human being in that position out of a selfish need. The fact that you would even consider it shows that you are not ready for this major step.

[Toots]

 

It's true that MM really doesn't want a baby now but I'm hoping he will change his mind...

 

 

You hope he will change his mind.

 

Have you considered what may happen should you change yours? If you fall pregnant, he may run. There are cases even here of that. Especially since he did not want the child and told you so. So falling pregnant is likely to end your relationship permanently. He may move far away from you and take legal steps to prevent you from contacting him. He might turn really nasty.

 

You will look at your baby and see him. That seems like a good thing to you now, while you love him. But if your feelings toward him were to change, through NC and the sanity of distance, or through his behaviour going OTT, you would still have a daily reminder of him. Forever. In your child.

 

Divorced couples who parted on very bad terms sometimes struggle with seeing their hated ex-partner in their child. Women who raises their rapists' babies have an even more extreme form of that triggering, when they catch a glimpse of their rapist in the expression of their child. You are inviting this into your life, inviting this onto your hypothetical child. One day when your child lies to you about something inconsequential, will you become disproportionately angry because that child's behaviour reminds you of the father's? If your child acts dismissively towards you as the father did, will you be able to separate the child's act from the father's? Can you be sure now, even as you look forward to doing the flip side of that (projecting the love you feel for the MM onto the hypothetical child) that you can be immune from projecting less positive feelings for the MM onto a child created only to summon his memory?

 

It looks like love now. When it looks like hurt you may feel differently.

[Foreverago]

You say you could raise this child without financial support from him? As gently as possible, I think and urge you to spend that money by getting into therapy. When a forum full of mistresses are telling you this is a bad idea and seemingly disgusted by your actions and it's does nothing to give you pause, there's nothing anyone here can do.

 

Nothing about this desire of yours is healthy. All it's going to do is screw you, him, his chosen family, and a possible child over. If you truly loved your MM you'd realize how bad of an idea this is. You can't be a good parent and be all about your own wants. I'm going to leave the arm chair psychology diagnosis alone and just tell you to go speak to someone who can help you.

 

Good luck OP. I truly hope your MM realizes how bad of a situation he's helped make and chooses wisely on closing this chapter of his life.

[hotgurl]

hi summerdowling87, thanks for bringing up some valid points. Yes I did say I will hide the truth behind the child's birth but that's to protect him/her as well as MM's family. It does no good for the child to learn that his/her parents are in love but not married to each other, and neither does it help MM's family to know of my (or my potential child's) existence.

 

Yeah, you are absolutely right, my parents will flip if I suddenly announced I was having a baby! But if I have a child, he/she will not have to grow up with family that doesn't accept him/her. Better to have no grandparents than grandparents who don't want him/her. I will be all the family that he or she needs until he/she grows up and creates his/her own family.

 

I realize I'm creating a tough life for myself and choosing to tread on a difficult road but if MM is willing to have a child with me, I will bear sole responsibility as the single parent without his support.

 

This is so sad to me. Growing up with no cousins, brothers or sisters or extended family.

 

My happiest memories are playing with my cousin at my grandparents house.

[whichwayisup]

hi summerdowling87, thanks for bringing up some valid points. Yes I did say I will hide the truth behind the child's birth but that's to protect him/her as well as MM's family. It does no good for the child to learn that his/her parents are in love but not married to each other, and neither does it help MM's family to know of my (or my potential child's) existence.

 

Yeah, you are absolutely right, my parents will flip if I suddenly announced I was having a baby! But if I have a child, he/she will not have to grow up with family that doesn't accept him/her. Better to have no grandparents than grandparents who don't want him/her. I will be all the family that he or she needs until he/she grows up and creates his/her own family.

 

I realize I'm creating a tough life for myself and choosing to tread on a difficult road but if MM is willing to have a child with me, I will bear sole responsibility as the single parent without his support.

 

Respectfully, you're not getting it yet. Your MM has told you that he doesn't want another baby. With you or his wife. He's done with kids. You cannot force him or try to persuade him since his mind is made up about this.

 

 

If you want a baby, there are plenty of sperm donor clinics and then you can raise a baby without all the complications of a MM and his child out of wedlock from an affair (which again, isn't going to happen by MM's choice).

[HHewett]

I agree with all the PP this is an awful idea for so many reasons. Yes, I am a new member.

 

V you say he seems happier now? Maybe he's actually terrified of you? What you may be seeing is him trying to make you "happier" because if you're willing to have a baby with him to keep a memento of your affair you're willing to do ANYTHING to try & keep him in your life including telling his wife about your year long affair hoping it will destroy the marriage & he will finally leave his "unhappy marriage" to be with you. Trust me on this one men, do stay in affairs, some for years, because they're afraid their mistress will blow up their "real life" & you do seem a bit unstable. Do you not think he's realized there have been times you've tried to stop him from pulling out or using protection? If he hadn't before your subject of a baby may have opened his eyes.

[gwaimui]

I had a long post here about my best friend and how her plan to have kids for MM turned into her worst nightmare. He deeply resents her for spermjacking him, he also hates her, his family calls CPS on her regularly out of spite and she can't find a good guy for a relationship because of her baggage, she is depressed and cries daily. Her kids are emotionally messed up because of the dynamics between the parents and her delusions.....but....like the people here, I spoke to her until I was blue in the face before and while she was pregnant. I said the same things as people here, she wouldn't listen, she kept saying "No, he is different, we're really in love, etc".

 

Like her, we can type until our collective fingers fall off, but you will only hear what you want to hear. That's the thing about being an adult, you don't have to follow advice.

 

But here is my 2 cents for your last question...

 

Actually.. One thing I don't understand is MM's response after the last time I talked to him about the possibility of a child together and that I didn't need him to leave his family or take responsibility for the child. Theoretically, he should be more worried than before since he doesn't want a child and yes, there's no change since he continues to use protection when we have the opportunity to be intimate. But strangely enough, he seems happier than before and tries to meet up more often than before (when his schedule allows). I don't quite understand why... Is he maybe happy at the confirmation that I don't expect him to leave his family and I will still love him? Or is he maybe scared that I brought the subject up and he just wants to enjoy another few months of our relationship together before ending it so this is actually the beginning of the end? Or maybe he is still considering the idea and he might say yes later on? If none of the above is correct, what other possible reasons could there be...?

 

I do find it peculiar that he's happier than before I brought up the somewhat taboo topic... It's so confusing....

 

And yes, much as I would like to have a child with him, i can't force him into agreeing, I'll try and see if I can persuade him over time...

 

He is happy with the idea that you will not try to chase him or pursue anything more that what you have going on now. You basically told him that he can have his cake and eat it too, because you don't expect anything more than what you're getting now.