I never thought I'd be here

[thwack]

I have very little respect for women like your wife who value marriage so little and treat men like they are disposable. What goes around comes around.

 

I don't disagree with your general statement, but I think my wife treated me very well. I was reminded constantly of how lucky I was to be with her.

 

Deciding to leave me is the only hurtful thing she ever did.

 

But even through this process, she's still doing whatever she can to treat me well. She worked out the financial separation all on her own, volunteering to take on 100% of the joint debt even though legally it should be half my responsibility. And she did that because she knows what my income is and that I couldn't afford a place to live on my own AND pay minimum payments on half the debt. She wants me to come out of this debt-free for the best chance of me being successful and happy again and finding someone new.

 

Being so nice to me is part of what makes it so difficult to let her go.

[thwack]

thwack, you're going to realize at some point all this negativity - "I'm not...I can't...I never...I don't..." - is the biggest part of what's holding you back.

 

I know you're right.

 

If I were reading a book out myself as a character I would be telling him the same thing.

 

Living as that character, I wish I knew how to translate that advice into action.

[Mr. Lucky]

Living as that character, I wish I knew how to translate that advice into action.

 

You down a shot of tequila or two and just do it. My divorce predates the rise of dating websites, you had to actually ask a woman out face-to-face .

 

I didn't date at all the first year (focused on my son and self), so it had been 14 years since I last asked a woman out. First one said "hell no", second said yes (probably out of pity). I got going from there.

 

Same with friends, had very few "non couple" ones. Joined every local team from softball to tennis, grew relationships from that point on.

 

One foot in front of the other...

 

Mr. Lucky

[thwack]

I'm trying similar things. And failing.

 

I met up with a group that plays casual tennis once. Not only did I not have fun, but I didn't connect with a single person there. I used to enjoy tennis, but apparently not with strangers or when I'm depressed. I also haven't gone back yet mostly because of the crazy heat lately.

 

I joined a local support group for people going through divorce. Aside from weekly meetings, which I signed up to continue going the rest of the summer, they also have social outings around town. I tried going to a few. Bowling was OK but I still couldn't connect with anyone. Outdoor concert by the shore was stressful and a similar outcome, but at least it introduced me to that recurring event so I went back another time on my own to see the local philharmonic orchestra. I enjoyed the music but being alone in the crowd was incredibly depressing. The group also had a dance night... basically a cheap wedding reception with no catering. That was miserable for me. Amazingly I did get out and swing my hips with the group for 2 songs but that's all I could stand. I couldn't get my mind in the right place to enjoy it one bit. And the music was too loud to really have a conversation and try to connect with anyone.

 

So, not having much luck the old way, I also put myself on dating sites just to see what happens. Reviewing the "matches" is just more depressing. Everyone wants someone who "knows how to have fun." Well that's the biggest thing missing in my single life right now, so that makes me nobody's match.

 

Maybe I'm trying too hard. The only solution is time. I just need to deal with being depressed for a year or however long it takes. Not that I'll STOP trying, but I need to stop expecting results.

[angelcake]

Well it's getting more real now.

 

She wants to make an offer on a condo nearby, and to do that her mortgage broker will need to see a signed and notarized separation agreement outlining how our debts will be divided. By next Tuesday.

 

 

I just started reading this thread today, and this post stood out to me. Did you wind up making the separation agreement? I would be very leery of signing anything that quickly.

[ShatteredLady]

You can play music. Why don't you look into joining a group or more? I've always thought that musicians were very lucky...I'd be in exactly the same boat as you if I chose to divorce.

 

A friend of ours is very awkward & shy. He's lived in so many different cities & states. The first thing he's done, after moving in, is join groups. Immediate friends!

 

Go to community yard sales (not at the start) & just chat to people. I'm very shy & I'm English living in America. Our last yard sale I met 2 different ladies who have been going through divorces. Just by chatting about some of the 'stuff' they were selling I could of made friends.

 

Maybe I'm wrong. I always thought it was easier to be a man alone. You can go to sports bars etc & just get chatting to other men. Is my perception completely wrong?

 

I met my H just after my 21st birthday. Other than a couple of kids play dates & the local Mom's Group I've NEVER walked into a social event alone in 26 years! I understand. I truly do. I'm so sorry that you're going through this. It breaks my heart how easily people can break each-others hearts. I've always been a 'happily ever after' girl. It's all so sad.

[thwack]

I just started reading this thread today, and this post stood out to me. Did you wind up making the separation agreement? I would be very leery of signing anything that quickly.

 

I signed it. I let my family review it first just to make sure there's nothing dangerous in there, and there isn't. She's even taking 100% of the joint debt instead of splitting it 50/50, because she knows that on my salary I can't afford my own place if I'm also paying down half the debt.

 

I also realized that not signing it doesn't really help me and only hurts her chances of getting the condo. At this point I think it's in my best interest to just keep her happy because, for better or worse, my happiness is still tied to hers for now.

 

If I were to suddenly stop playing nice by not signing the agreement or even lawyering up, then I should expect her to stop playing nice as well, which means I'll end up with half the debt... and in her words, "good luck with that."

[thwack]

You can play music. Why don't you look into joining a group or more? I've always thought that musicians were very lucky...I'd be in exactly the same boat as you if I chose to divorce.

 

Good thought but I don't play well in a group. I tried to join a jazz band back in college but it quickly became clear that I'm not the right kind of pianist. I can't just jam out and improvise. I need to rehearse and memorize something over the course of weeks and then that's the only way I can play it. But I'm trying to stop being negative... so let me also say I wish I COULD jam out and improvise. Maybe if I could learn how to do that my brain would also be more nimble in other aspects of life where I am currently struggling.

 

Maybe I'm wrong. I always thought it was easier to be a man alone. You can go to sports bars etc & just get chatting to other men. Is my perception completely wrong?

 

I think it has more to do with your personality than your gender. Some guys can just go to sports bars like you say, while other guys might have no interest in sports or drinking and feel like they would have no business being there. I'm sure the same is true of women and something like... going to the salon.

 

Another challenge I'm facing is how quiet I am. Even among people who know me, when I try to chime in I am rarely heard on the first attempt. Sometimes, like when ordering at a restaurant, I even make a conscious attempt to be loud and almost feel like I'm shouting but people still don't understand me. Now take that problem and throw me into a noisy bar and see how well I'll do trying to ask a girl out. How do I work on that? Are there shouting classes I can take?

[LexiB]

Good thought but I don't play well in a group. I tried to join a jazz band back in college but it quickly became clear that I'm not the right kind of pianist. I can't just jam out and improvise. I need to rehearse and memorize something over the course of weeks and then that's the only way I can play it. But I'm trying to stop being negative... so let me also say I wish I COULD jam out and improvise. Maybe if I could learn how to do that my brain would also be more nimble in other aspects of life where I am currently struggling.

 

I think it has more to do with your personality than your gender. Some guys can just go to sports bars like you say, while other guys might have no interest in sports or drinking and feel like they would have no business being there. I'm sure the same is true of women and something like... going to the salon.

 

Another challenge I'm facing is how quiet I am. Even among people who know me, when I try to chime in I am rarely heard on the first attempt. Sometimes, like when ordering at a restaurant, I even make a conscious attempt to be loud and almost feel like I'm shouting but people still don't understand me. Now take that problem and throw me into a noisy bar and see how well I'll do trying to ask a girl out. How do I work on that? Are there shouting classes I can take?

 

I'm big on self improvement in times of sadness.

 

I don't know how long you've been playing, but maybe some lessons in music theory would help with the bolded? You could have someone teach you, or try looking online...you'd be surprised what you can learn for free on YouTube.

 

Including detailed pointers on photography...since you mentioned that earlier.

 

It sounds to me like your interests lean towards the creative. Which is awesome, because your primary source of entertainment can come from yourself right now. (Besides, women dig artists. It's a scientific fact. Especially an artist that has a seperate, full time job that can pay the bills. )

 

Dig into music. Dig into photography. Explore other creative avenues...painting, sketching, steel works, woodworking - if you have the space, learning how to build something utilitarian for your house might light a fire in you.

 

To help build your confidence and assertiveness, perhaps a couple of classes on public speaking or improv. There are groups on Meetup for this.

 

On top of that, you could try volunteering. Use your talents and interests to help others. If you have an interest in building and home improvement, try Habitat for Humanity and help build and renovate homes for others. Offer to give piano lessons at a youth center or senior citizens home. Offer to take pictures of animals up for adoption at your local animal shelter/animal care and control. Animal shelters are notoriously understaffed and don't have time (or care) to take decent pictures of the cats and dogs for the adoption website...this is hugely overlooked. Of course, there soup kitchens...the possibilities are endless.

 

Try everything until you discover what clicks. Something will.

Edited August 3, 2016 by LexiB

[BluEyeL]

I wonder if this has been brought up by her weight loss. Wanting to see what her new figure can get her . It's kinda sh.itty of her but in the end if she doesn't love you you are better off. Time will help you recover .

[thwack]

I don't know how long you've been playing, but maybe some lessons in music theory would help with the bolded?

Good thought, but I did take music theory in college (even though I had been playing piano since I was 4). It gave me new expanded knowledge of composition and how to identify what's going on, but it wasn't anything I could actively use while playing piano.

 

It sounds to me like your interests lean towards the creative.

Hmm, I couldn't agree less. Photography and piano might sound like creative outlets, but for me they are not. Or, more accurately, they remain outlets but my creativity has run dry.

 

On top of that, you could try volunteering. Use your talents and interests to help others.

I did sign up for VolunteerMatch, but have yet to see anything I really feel capable of doing. The opportunities are all for people who have not only the technical skills or background I listed, but also social skills, responsibility, initiative, compassion, empathy, coordination/planning skills, and many others I lack.

 

Good idea with the animal shelter photos... I might actually enjoy that, but it probably won't do much toward helping me get to know new people if I'm only working with animals all day.

 

Try everything

Shakira is wise. I do agree with that philosophy. I just find it difficult to decide what to try, or even think of any options. Nothing inspires me to explore the possibilities. Judy Hopps was inspired to be a cop despite everything working against her. Why? Who knows, but it gave her a goal and something to try. I wish I had that. Without the inspiration, everything I try feels like I'm only doing it out of obligation and I find no joy in that.

[LexiB]

People are everywhere, Thwack. You never know who you might meet volunteering. It'll be people with whom you'll share at least one common interest. That should actually make it easier to start a conversation.

[rainbowchaser]

The only solution is time. I just need to deal with being depressed for a year or however long it takes.

 

Exactly where I am. I know where you are. It's really hard. I know we are in the exact opposite situations but whenever I get down about leaving my marriage, I think about the fact that although I loved my husband, we just couldn't make each other happy. And I can't imagine staying in a marriage (believe me, I was married a LOOOOONNNG time) where I knew that my husband couldn't make me happy.

 

Not trying to make you feel bad. Just trying to share my perspective.

 

It's been a long road and not yet seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

 

All I can say is keep putting yourself out there!

[thwack]

Well this is awkward... I was reviewing my daily matches on Match.com and one of my coworkers appeared! I couldn't answer yes or no to being interested. If no, I wouldn't feel so uneasy around her at work. If yes, I don't need a dating site to connect with her. But in the workplace, being interested isn't the only factor to consider. I've mainly been avoiding the idea of a workplace romance on principle. But also she has 2 kids and I'm very uncomfortable around kids, even as nice as hers seem when I've seen them at work.

 

Now I'm trying to decide if I should tell her she showed up as one of my matches. Would that make her uncomfortable to know that I saw her profile? Also I don't think she knows about my separation, so it could be awkward just to explain why I'm on the site myself.

 

Maybe the best thing is to just do nothing? If I was going to make a move I've had months to do that; the dating site match shouldn't change anything.

 

Sorry, this might be off-topic for my separation thread. If there's a more appropriate forum I'm fine with moving it there. I just felt like this is the only place where I could talk about this with people who know me anonymously enough to not be a problem.