New here, still processing

[slmom2three]

Hi all, I'm a married mom of 3kids ages 9,7, and3. Ben together almost 17 years and married almost 10. Last night we were putting the kids to bed after being at a party all afternoon/evening at our neighbors house. It was about 1.5hrs past the kids bedtimes and because of the party my 3yr old didn't nap yesterday.

 

I was in the mast bath brushing my 9 yr olds hair, my husband was in the 3yr old room putting him to bed and I hear him yelling at him that he won't read him a book, it's too late, etc. I went in because I didn't feel it was fair he was yelling at him like that so I told him to stop it wasn't the kids fault we made the decision to keep him up late, let's just read him a shirt book. My husband looked at me and told me to get out or he'd snap. I told him to get out of the room, to walk away, he told me he'd throw me across the room I stood my ground and told him to leave the baby's room and he grabbed me and pushed me out.

 

I then started screaming at him to get out to leave and he went and blocked the door from our bedroom to the hallway. Now all 3 kids are yelling and crying and I just wanted him to go downstairs away from them. He wouldn't I told him I would call police, so I went and grabbed the phone and called, he sat there on my 9yr olds floor telling me it was my fault he'd be going to jail and what was I accomplishing, look what I was doing. I hung up once and then they called back and my kids were crying telling me they didn't want daddy to go to jailed. I kept telling at him to leave, finally he went downstairs. I put the big kids in my bed and the bab y was still in his crib.

 

Police came, it was awful. Long story short I think he had gone back to my neighbors but then came out to police. They arrested him. He told them to ask me if I had weapons on me, umm no I told them I was brushing hair when this all started. I put kids to sleep while they were outside talking to him and called one of my best friends to come over. While she was here the police called me back asking what his job was again (they had already asked when they were here) and I told them, they said any reason he'd say he was unemployed, umm no. Why would he lie to police?

 

Didn't sleep at all, I just kept playing out over and over in my head. I don't know what to do. My son 7yr old, asked me if he went to jail. I told him I wasn't sure. My daughter says she stayed in bathroom when we were arguing first and didn't see anything.

 

What happens now after he posts bail? Should I talk to someone today? How can I ever trust again that he won't put his hands on me or god forbid the kids if he's that angry again?

 

Thank you for any and all support.

[d0nnivain]

You need to find a local domestic abuse advocacy group. The police should be able to point you to one. You did the right thing. You protected your children. This will be a long road but don't try to walk it alone. Talk to your BFF & your family about what happened. You have nothing to be embarrassed about.

[spiderowl]

Has he ever shown signs of this kind of behaviour before? Signs of temper or controlling behaviour?

[Satu]

You did the right thing.

 

You can't have someone/anyone getting violent around your kids.

 

Any legal consequences are of his making alone.

 

Think only about yourself and your kids.

 

 

Take care.

[turnera]

Look up symptoms of abuse and see if any other signs are present in your marriage. If not, sit him down and tell him the anger is unacceptable and he can either go to counseling with you or move out. See what he does. If you DO see other symptoms, YOU need to go to a women's group or a therapist and figure out what you can and can't tolerate and come up with a plan.

[BlueIris]

I'm not saying that it's excusable in any way to be violent. Has he ever been violent or yelled at the kids or you in that way before? 17 years together and 3 kids and all… that’s strange if he has never been like this before. Usually abusive people shows signs, unmistakable signs.

 

To be honest, I was surprised about a couple of things in your post, such as your saying that he lied about his employment. Is it possible that he just lost his job?

 

But really, everything depends upon whether this was entirely out of character of him.

[basil67]

I too think that his history is vitally important in this commentary.

 

If he's been abusive, controlling or violent before - I would get the advice of domestic violence experts.

 

But if this is totally out of character, I'd be seeking medical advice and seeking support of his family. Brain scans, psychiatrist etc. However, if you take this route, have him stay away from you and the kids until you can be sure of your safety.

Edited June 1, 2016 by basil67

[slmom2three]

hi all,

 

thanks for your thoughts.

 

this is all just so surreal and mentally draining. No contact order was lifted yesterday but he is still under a no abuse and no alcohol order until the pre-trial date.

 

DCF called and came to visit yesterday- based on the police report there's a complain of potential neglect by the father that they are now investigating.

 

I spoke to him yesterday afternoon, he was surprised when i told him he could not come back home yesterday- uh really no you cannot there's no way I'm ready yet.

 

In thinking more I guess i would not say this is totally out of the blue- I do not think there's a physical problem that needs to be looked into. I have seen him get very angry before- there was a time he was yelling at one of the kids and I told him to leave/walk away and he did.

 

He has said he will do whatever I want as far as counseling, etc. We are looking into counseling for us and I will be seeking out counseling for myself as well.

 

My daughter got emotional talking to the DCF person yesterday. It was heartbreaking to hear my 3yr old tell her that "daddy yelled at me"

 

I told my 2 older ones he would not be coming home last night b/c we still needed to get a plan in place so something like this doesn't happen again. When i asked in they wanted to talk to dad last night my son immediately responded yes but my daughter hesitated. I talked to her separately and she said she wasn't ready yet to see him or talk to him.

 

I discovered yesterday at work i have some large bruises on backs of my arms that i am 99% sure were not there on Saturday. i can't be sure i didn't get some from cleaning up things at my parents house or moving things in my basement Saturday but one definitely looks like its from hitting the edge of something- bookcase/doorway/wall? I don't remember exactly how I fell but they are big and dark and I was horrified to see them and had to throw on a sweater (had a sleeveless dress on)

 

I met with a counselor at a local ywca today. It was good to talk through it all with someone. She gave me a local place that has a special program for children who have witnessed DV. They will get us in until next week.

 

So now that my daughter doesn't want to talk to/see him yet there's no way he's coming home until she's comfortable with that. he want to see the boys tonight but I don't want to make her feel like she is uncomfortable or has to see him just b/c he does.

 

For something that's not my fault it certainly cause a lot of problems for me to deal with. I couldn't go to work today so I lied and said my kids were sick. i hate lying about what is going on- no one is asking me to but i don't want to go around telling everyone either. I know there's certain people I cant tell b/c they will judge and I just cant deal with that and that includes my sister who I would normally talk to all the time about everything. I'm worried about my kids mental health in addition to mine. And right now the care of the kids is all on me. I have friends/neighbors i can lean on but its a balancing act and just so much.

[turnera]

You can handle it. You'll look back on it someday and see how strong you were.