Moving the relationship forward? / Problems with this

[Evanna]

My boyfriend and I have been together about a year and a half now (both 21), and it's going really, really well. I've honestly never loved someone like this and combined with the fact that all my previous relationships have been pretty soul destroying, I know this is the guy I want to spend the rest of my life with. He's affectionate and loving and just perfect really. When we're not together he's in constant contact with me (and I mean constantly) we're always texting long essays or on the phone for hours but neither of us finds it a chore, it's just what we want to do and talking to each other all the time makes us both really happy. He's always in my day whether we're together or apart.

 

However, we live in different cities, we're only an hour's train journey apart so I should be thankful it's not further, but it does really suck having to go back and forth all the time. I hate that I never really feel settled - I'll spend a week or more at his and then he'll come to mine and do the same but I'm starting to feel really uprooted. I don't really feel like I belong anywhere. What I really want is for us to get our own place together and be able to actually get on with our lives at the same time as being with each other. When I'm at his I can't really get anything done or start to sort my life out (job wise etc) as I never know where I'm going to be the next week or for how long etc. My parents just split so I don't really have a home to go back to anymore either and I've just finished university so I only have my house for another 2 months. So basically for me, things are getting kind of alarming as I don't actually know where I'm going to live or what i'm going to do with my life.

 

We've discussed all this stuff many times and he is 1000% on board with moving in with me too, we talk about it all the time and I know we're both really genuinely excited about it and want it. We sometimes are in each others company for 2 or 3 weeks on end and I've never once got tired of him and vice versa so I know we'd work together. A little while ago he couldn't afford his rent and got kicked out so moved in with me (he's back at his now though), so we were actually living together for about 5 weeks and it went really well so I definitely know it'd work, that's not the problem.

 

However, here is the problem. There's actually 2. The first is that I worry when and if this will actually happen. He knows about my time deadline for getting something sorted (although I can always move in with my mum, I don't really want to and will make seeing him harder) but nothing seems to be happening. He doesn't have a job, which is a big problem for us. He basically doesn't have any money, although he does have some income it all goes on bills or seeing me (although our train tickets are only £8 return) and he is a terrible saver. I've been seeing him the last few weeks as well so I'd hoped he'd have some money saved up by now. A few weeks ago he was given about £60 which I thought was great as that meant he'd have something to start on, that he could build up from it and would be able to see me more. But he's already spent it. And I know most of it went on weed.

 

Which brings me to my second problem, he is a stoner. I have no problem with this really (I mean of course I do a bit) but I totally understand if that's something that makes him happy. It's something I've always known he does and I'm not going to ask him to give it up. I've tried it myself since being with him and there was a time I'd do it with him because I wanted to try understand it, but it's not for me. It makes me confused and depressed and I don't do it anymore. He knows I'm not really a fan. I've sometimes asked him if maybe he could go a few days without it, and sometimes he does, but after moving back in with his twin brother again it's worse than ever. Now that he has some money he can buy his own as well and they smoke a lot. The most frustrating thing is I know he doesn't need it because when he moved in with me he didn't touch it for 5 weeks and didn't even miss it. I was so happy and proud of him and I felt somehow even more connected to him. Noone likes hanging out with a stoner when they're sober, it works for us because we like the same things and he's still really affectionate and I enjoy our time, but it's always going to be a bit better without it in the equation. But now he's back with his brother, it's all the time. Which also means he's blowing any money he has and I just don't think we're ever going to be able to move in together like this. He's looking and applying for jobs every day and I really do feel for him that's it's hard and he works at the pub on and off and does occasional babysitting and signs on for the doll so I know he's trying, and I can't really talk because I only have a weekend job at the moment too - but this is what I mean, I don't think either of us are going to be able to sort our lives out when we're constantly going back and forth and trying to see each other.

 

I honestly believe the only way we can actually start doing things for ourselves is if we can be in the same city and live together and be able to concentrate on ourselves for once because at the moment we only really concentrate on going back and forth all the time and honestly I hate having to go back home and be alone. My housemates have moved out and I'm really lonely at mine, on my own all the time. It's ok for him because he lives with his twin, but I really really don't want to be alone anymore and I want to be with him. But the dilemma is how on earth do we get to that point when we can't get the money to do it? I have been saving for this for a long time so I actually can afford it, I could probably afford to live on my own for about a year and a half, but I don't want to live on my own. I want to live with him. And I'd be happy maybe paying our first couple of rents, but only if I knew he'd be able to get sorted and I don't know if he would and then we'd be stuck in a difficult position. But I really don't know what the hell to do??? Please help!!

 

I really love him more than anything in the world, I'd never give up on this relationship and I know some people might say he's not responsible etc but I really want this to work. I know he does too, we've had serious conversations about this and we've discussed me moving into his as well, but I don't really want to do that as it'd mean they're both high all the time and I'm not saying I expect him to give it up when he lives with me or anything, but he actually doesn't want it when he's with me, he said when we lived together before it was amazing he didn't miss it, but when we're together he just doesn't really need it. He only does it at home because his brother does and if you're around it all the time I suppose you wouldn't turn it down.

[TMichaels]

Bottom line? He needs to want it as much as you do.

 

That has nothing to do with what he says, but it has everything with what he *does* to make it happen. That means, getting off the weed and coping with reality which includes getting a job, saving money, and being a responsible adult.

 

I don't care how well you get on, you two clearly are not on the same page when it comes to the kind of things that are age-old bones of contention between couples -- namely money, shared life values, goals, and priorities. You're light years apart when it comes to all that.

 

Just because you're the responsible one, DO NOT be "his fixer." Just because you can afford to rent a place the two of you could move into, DON'T. He needs to pull his own weight or you will soon resent it.

 

Though it seems like it should be easy for him to give up smoking pot, he's using it as a crutch and an avoidance technique. While he may give it up for a while, again you're going to resent it when he falls off the wagon and find it difficult to understand why "he just can't quit."

 

I imagine you're a bit hurt that since your own housing situation/options are becoming critical that he doesn't see this as a motivating factor for you two to move in together. You're going to continue to be disappointed if you're hoping he will suddenly see the light. He's entirely happy at the moment being buzzed and doing nothing. Until HE wants his current situation to change, *he* won't.

 

If I were you, I'd figure out what you need to do to ensure your own future as in what city has the most potential for you to work, search for a job, and when you land one, either rent your own flat or move in with some new roommates. If that means you have to live with your mother temporarily, then do it. The important thing is that you set goals, do what it takes to move toward them, so that you feel grounded and confident.

 

If he sees you getting on with your life, then he has two choices. Wake up and get his own act together, or decide he'd rather continue to sit around on a manky couch with his brother in a purple haze. You don't need to settle for the latter, and shouldn't.

 

You're only 21. You have the rest of your life ahead of you including plenty of time to find "the one." Don't let this guy and his issues drag or slow you down. You have a lot going for you. Go for it and let him sort his own life out (or not). Either way, you're not his mother. He needs to grow up on his own.

 

Best,

TMichaels

Edited May 30, 2016 by TMichaels

[coolheadal]

Don't let anyone tell you otherwise you said to yourself at the last sentence there. So now go with your heart and make things happen. Stop taking the train back and forth like that. Your a grown woman lead the charge of your man. Sometimes the woman has to do it. Even if your's high just have to live with it because you have settled for him no matter what he does, because you so much in deep love. True love well I say go with your heart and mind with this one. Someone needs to work and bring in the money don't live off the government if you don't have too. You get a job and he needs too if he is willing to do so. Most might just live on dole instead. Have fun and do the right thing because love is hard to find today or someone you just sync too. Good Luck and Ta..

[Els]

And I'd be happy maybe paying our first couple of rents, but only if I knew he'd be able to get sorted and I don't know if he would and then we'd be stuck in a difficult position.

 

No, no, no, no, no.

 

Think about it... you would've moved just to be with him, you would be miles away from home and anyone who could help you... and he'd be sitting at home smoking all day while you pay all of the rent and most likely do all of the housework. Where would his contribution to your relationship be?

 

Please reconsider even being with him.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Your age and inexperience are clouding your vision here, IMO. I'm willing to bet that because your previous relationships have been disastrous (cheats? Abusers? Liars?), this guy is sweet and nice and you gel so in your eyes it's perfect in comparison. But relationships aren't just about enjoying someone's company and having fun together, if you're not on the same page about major stuff like finances, drugs and work ethic, those things will kill the love and rip you apart fast.

 

I get that youre desperate to figure out where to live but his actions are screaming that he doesn't want what you want, which is to move in together in two months. If he did want that he'd have a job, quit smoking weed to save cash and be showing you apartment listings. Instead of telling you outright it isn't happening he's being avoidant and you're taking that to mean 'well he could still come round'. Two months isn't long, you need to be viewing places NOW to ensure you have time to sign contracts, wait for previous tenants to move out, let the agency clean the place up and so forth.

 

You're gonna have to do this on your own so get cracking. Don't live alone if you don't want to. I lived in a brilliant house share for two or three years from 24-26, six huge en suite double bedrooms and a shared living room and kitchen, a flat cheap fee and all bills included. Random people moved in and out independently renting the room so nobody was tied to one another and with such a large house new residents fitted in quickly. Some formed friendships, others like me just enjoyed having people around but I kept to myself mostly in my nice huge room with all of my stuff and a bathroom. It was great, and i didn't have to rely on anyone. Something like that could suit you great, and they're usually short (4-6m) contracts so if something changes you can leave.

 

Another major issue is the weed, on one hand you say you don't mind at all and come up with all the reasons under the sun that it's okay for him to do it, but on the other you clearly feel it IS a problem, so don't pretend it's fine just to keep him. I don't think you're compatible on this. I know lots of people who enjoy it in moderation, but if he doesn't have a job, what the hell is he thinking spending the little money he gets (his benefits!?) on drugs instead of saving for essentials? Does he not figure he'd be more productive without being high all the time? Does he go to interview with red eyes looking exhausted? Smell of it? Instead of acting like an adult he's repressing back to being a rebellious teenager chilling with his sibling all day taking drugs, that's fine for him but you sound like a pretty smart and motivated girl, you deserve your equal.

 

Also, if you guys aren't working how do you expect to actually afford a place? Don't pay the rent for both of you, it smacks of desperation and if he can't be bothered to hold his end of the bargain he clearly doesn't want to live with you enough. It reeks of you paying him to live with you cos you don't want to be alone.

 

If you REALLY want this R for yourself, get a house share for six months, let him know you want to move in at the end of the contract and sit and wait. Call it a deadline (keep that bit to yourself). If in six months he hasn't got a job, saved up and quit or reduced his drug intake you will hopefully then have enough of a push to realise it's not working and call it quits. You need to protect your independence and finances here girl, cos I don't think he has your best interests at heart. Don't saddle yourself spending your cash on putting a roof over his head while he sits a smokes weed. If you run out of cash you'll jeopardise your roof over your head. Get a house share, embrace that you don't need anyone else to take care of you and get your priorities straight (which is to find a job and a place to stay ASAP). Love is surprising irrelevant compared to those things.

[Lois_Griffin]

Which brings me to my second problem, he is a stoner.

LOL. Well now you know why he never has any money.

 

And the fact that he can't even go a few days straight - unless he's under your watchful eye - speaks volumes about him. And none of it good.

 

Quite honestly, how effective can he BE in his job hunting efforts when he's stoned all the time? Getting a job is hard enough when you're sober and have ambition, but when your biggest ambition in life is to blow what little money you have and sit around stoned all day, that kind of tells you what his priorities REALLY are.

 

I swear I'm not being snarky, but who the hell trusts this stoner to babysit their kids???? You said he sometimes 'babysits' to get extra cash.

 

I think you're making the GRAVE mistake a lot of women make - thinking you can 'fix' this guy. That ll he needs is the love of a good woman and for you to be in his life on a regular basis and magically, he'll be as right as rain again and his whole life will come together in perfect harmony. It doesn't work that way.

 

DON'T be a fool and move in with someone whose already SHOWN you who he is. And who he IS is a very young, immature and irresponsible guy-child who has no ambition to make anything of himself and who prefers to spend his day getting stoned and being totally UNPRODUCTIVE.

 

The fact that you already KNOW you'd have to go out there and be the one to support this lazy guy - because he CHOOSES to be lazy - is to completely set your fate. He needs to get off his lazy ass and grow up, he doesn't need his girlfriend to come hold his hand and support him finanically while coaxing him off the couch.

 

Do you know how many times your particular story happens with young people your age? Two barely out of their teens young adults play house together when they're clearly not ready to do so, she ends up getting pregnant and the next thing you know, he's either run off never to heard from again or if he DOES stick around, they end up having to live with one of their parents because SHE can't work any longer to support them and he barely ever DID work. So now, they have no choice but to depend on others to support them while he continues to do the absolute minimum month after month after month.

 

THAT'S who you're dealing with.

 

Look, you're young and you have this idealistic picture in your head that it's going to be some Disney movie if you can just get out there and start the ball rolling.

 

It won't be.

 

Every poster in this thread has the same exact opinion (except one) and there's a very good reason for that. Just because you don't want to hear what we're all saying doesn't make it not true.

[Evanna]

Thank you very much everyone for your replies!! It's definitely given me a lot to think about and I can't deny that everything all of you have said has crossed my mind at least a little bit, but that goes for the good things as well as the bad. Right now he is being pretty irresponsible and it makes me upset when I ask him if he has any money left and he says no and I know he's blowing it all on something so frustratingly pointless.

 

And I know I can't change him, I'll try to never delude myself into thinking I can fix someone because I know from experience it just doesn't work, but it's because I often see glimpses of him being perfect and responsible that I do believe he's capable of it on his own.

 

When he first met me he had a full time job and was responsible and even now that he's unemployed he does a HELL of a lot of housework - literally all of it because his twin won't do any of it, and he's always been used to having to do everything all his life (his mum literally makes him do EVERYTHING around their old house, including all the building work and gardening). He'll get up and scrub all the floors and do all the washing up and laundry and ironing and cleaning etc, and I know that's not anything miraculous, but it is still more than a lot of guys I know. I know that's not actually a job or any kind of real responsibility, but he is a responsible guy.

 

Saying he's a stoner is a bit of a strange one for him, because yes, he smokes a lot, but he's so used to it it actually doesn't really affect him that much - you can hold a conversation with him and not know he's had it at all, he doesn't get red eyes ever and the only time it really bugs me is when it's endless shotties at night time and although he seems normal, I know he's in a different world to me. If I ever have one shottie it messes me up and confuses me for the whole night and he'll have at least about 20 a night, they often get through several bags a night which I hate. Maybe if it was just like a joint a night that'd be fine, make the bag last a week or something, but they're spending like £10 or £20 a day each.

 

I take back the plan of paying the first few months rent - that was really only ever if he did get a job actually lined up so I knew we'd both be earning, I wouldn't just jump in not knowing if he'd do anything or not, but I really do believe in him. I know my post doesn't give off a great impression of him but he is a wonderful guy and not just because I love him a lot (and as someone else wrote, I agree that love like this is really hard to find), but also because he does always put me first - when he was earning, his money pretty much always went on me or buying me little gifts (I didn't ask him to he just did), but now he's not earning and little money he has goes on weed I think to make him less depressed about his whole situation.

 

We've had serious talks about money and jobs before and he's got genuinely really upset about it - that could just be a way out of it, or it could be genuine, but I can see it in him that he really does want to improve himself, he wants to sort these things out, he just needs a little push, and when he gets that push he does stuff. I think I'm just too weak to push him. I don't get mad or give him ultimatums or anything like that like some of my friends have said I should, because when the time comes I care about him too much to get mad (yes I'm a pushover haha) so maybe it's partly my fault too. Maybe if I start giving him reasons to sort his life out he will? Soon we're not going to be able to see each other so often (as I'll probably have to move into my mums) so maybe that will motivate him...

 

I guess I have to give up on our living plans for now, it's just so frustrating because he's led me to believe for so long that this was the plan, but now the time's coming, nothing is happening...

 

 

----- this last bit's most important, how do I fix this?? I don't think he'll ever do anything while he's in this situation --------

 

The worst thing is we were living together, he was getting his life together, going to job interviews and we sorted his bank account out etc, and then his mum said he could move back into his house and now it's all ruined again. Basically I wish she'd never said he could move back in because as long as he's in that house with his twin all they're ever going to do is smoke and game, because they can and you can't really blame someone for taking the easy option when it's available.

 

I spoke to him about it on the phone the day I wrote this and got upset about it for the first time, which made him sad too because he said he's upset he's a disappointment, and he says he does genuinely want this. But because his mum has bought him and his twin a house (with their inheritance money) he can basically live for free so I can understand why he wouldn't want to face life and responsibility when he doesnt have to. And I kind of hate his mum for that because she always complains that he doesnt do anything but then she hands him a free house on a platter and I don't know exactly what she expected to happen? but because he's got this I don't think he's ever really going to be motivated because he doesn't need to be. I think the only way I can motivate him is if I actually start laying down some rules, say we can't see each other so much or something. But I'm not capable of that because I miss him too much when I'm not with him and arghhh, I guess that's my fault too!

Edited June 1, 2016 by Evanna

[acrosstheuniverse]

Thank you very much everyone for your replies!! It's definitely given me a lot to think about and I can't deny that everything all of you have said has crossed my mind at least a little bit, but that goes for the good things as well as the bad. Right now he is being pretty irresponsible and it makes me upset when I ask him if he has any money left and he says no and I know he's blowing it all on something so frustratingly pointless.

 

And I know I can't change him, I'll try to never delude myself into thinking I can fix someone because I know from experience it just doesn't work, but it's because I often see glimpses of him being perfect and responsible that I do believe he's capable of it on his own.

 

When he first met me he had a full time job and was responsible and even now that he's unemployed he does a HELL of a lot of housework - literally all of it because his twin won't do any of it, and he's always been used to having to do everything all his life (his mum literally makes him do EVERYTHING around their old house, including all the building work and gardening). He'll get up and scrub all the floors and do all the washing up and laundry and ironing and cleaning etc, and I know that's not anything miraculous, but it is still more than a lot of guys I know. I know that's not actually a job or any kind of real responsibility, but he is a responsible guy.

 

Saying he's a stoner is a bit of a strange one for him, because yes, he smokes a lot, but he's so used to it it actually doesn't really affect him that much - you can hold a conversation with him and not know he's had it at all, he doesn't get red eyes ever and the only time it really bugs me is when it's endless shotties at night time and although he seems normal, I know he's in a different world to me. If I ever have one shottie it messes me up and confuses me for the whole night and he'll have at least about 20 a night, they often get through several bags a night which I hate. Maybe if it was just like a joint a night that'd be fine, make the bag last a week or something, but they're spending like £10 or £20 a day each.

 

I take back the plan of paying the first few months rent - that was really only ever if he did get a job actually lined up so I knew we'd both be earning, I wouldn't just jump in not knowing if he'd do anything or not, but I really do believe in him. I know my post doesn't give off a great impression of him but he is a wonderful guy and not just because I love him a lot (and as someone else wrote, I agree that love like this is really hard to find), but also because he does always put me first - when he was earning, his money pretty much always went on me or buying me little gifts (I didn't ask him to he just did), but now he's not earning and little money he has goes on weed I think to make him less depressed about his whole situation.

 

We've had serious talks about money and jobs before and he's got genuinely really upset about it - that could just be a way out of it, or it could be genuine, but I can see it in him that he really does want to improve himself, he wants to sort these things out, he just needs a little push, and when he gets that push he does stuff. I think I'm just too weak to push him. I don't get mad or give him ultimatums or anything like that like some of my friends have said I should, because when the time comes I care about him too much to get mad (yes I'm a pushover haha) so maybe it's partly my fault too. Maybe if I start giving him reasons to sort his life out he will? Soon we're not going to be able to see each other so often (as I'll probably have to move into my mums) so maybe that will motivate him...

 

I guess I have to give up on our living plans for now, it's just so frustrating because he's led me to believe for so long that this was the plan, but now the time's coming, nothing is happening...

 

 

----- this last bit's most important, how do I fix this?? I don't think he'll ever do anything while he's in this situation --------

 

The worst thing is we were living together, he was getting his life together, going to job interviews and we sorted his bank account out etc, and then his mum said he could move back into his house and now it's all ruined again. Basically I wish she'd never said he could move back in because as long as he's in that house with his twin all they're ever going to do is smoke and game, because they can and you can't really blame someone for taking the easy option when it's available!

 

You're making excuses for his crappy irresponsible behaviour. Adult, mature men and women don't settle for smoking pot all day instead of getting out and getting a job, just because it's available. Anyone could quit their job, get benefits and buy drugs but the vast majority choose not to, because for a mature person its imperative to have a goal, a purpose and the sense of self worth that comes from earning a living and being independent.

 

When you say you were living together, where was that? A student house? Cos until you're actually in your own place with both your names on the rent paying bills it's just playing house, not living together. Living together is the real deal, with real responsibility and commitment, paying bills and figuring out budgets. I lived in student halls and it's a world apart from your own flat out and away from uni. Usually everything is sorted for you, often paid for with loans or grants. The real world is a shock in comparison, busting your ass on minimum wage just to scrape by. But that's life, we all go through it.

 

How do you fix it? You can't. Only he can. Your only shot is moving on, living your own life and seeing whether he follows and gets his act together, but don't bank on it. If he was really happy living with you he'd never have moved back home, he's essentially prioritised his twin, free rent, and drugs over living with you, and those are not the actions of a man who's gonna step up and be a reliable committed partner any time soon, I'm sorry.

 

When I finished up my MA and realised I had to move cities to get a job in my field I'd only been with my boyfriend six months. Rather than let me go and be long distance or break up, without skipping a beat he told me he was coming with me, organised a transfer at work, saved up a flat deposit and organised listings in our new town, he was willing to go anywhere I found a job, leaving his friends. I'm not saying this to be smug, I've had my share of partners who still acted like teenagers in their twenties expecting to date like we were still in school, smoking weed etc. but you have no idea how good it feels to be with someone who's on the same page and will move heaven and earth to be by your side. Hold out for that, man. Don't settle for being miserable with someone who is who he is, and he's not compatible with you.

[Evanna]

Thanks acrosstheuniverse, reading these responses really helps me get my head round things! I definitely understand a lot of the things you're saying, and I think you're right, I need to get on with my own life and see if he follows, because I really do think he will. And you're right that I'm only used to uni living conditions, and I suppose us living together then was just happy families, although it was nice to see we never argued in those 5 or so weeks and that we were 100% happy together (I lived with an ex before and we were at each other's throats all the time and it was hideous after a week). I think I'm just impatient. I've only just finished uni, I only have a weekend job myself and like you say, probably couldn't actually deal with my own place yet, but all my friends are moving in with their gfs/bfs now uni is over and I feel left out because I want that too.

 

And the bit you said about him being a teenager and smoking weed etc I definitely agree with, your relationship does sound wonderful and I've often thought about what it'd be like to be with someone like that. But I've thought about it and all I could think was no. It'd definitely be nice don't get me wrong, but I love my boyfriend and when I compare leaving him and finding someone else (even if I find mr perfect responsibility) I don't want it. I really do love him even if he is a child sometimes haha, I honestly think he's my soulmate and I don't believe in all that stuff but this is honestly the most amazing relationship I've had. We don't fight, we're incredibly sexually attracted to each other even a year and half in, he still gives me butterflies and makes me laugh and smile and I wouldn't trade him in for the world. I don't really know where I'm going with this except I'm definitely not giving up on him. It might be a case of letting him be for a while and sorting myself out and seeing if he follows but I'm not giving up on this ever, I want to be with him forever if I can. I know that sounds naive but it's honestly all I want, even if we lived in a box haha!

 

I guess I'm contradicting myself here, but I suppose any advice on maybe ways I could deal with this without being a nag? I already feel like I've gone on about it loads to him this week and earlier on the phone I said maybe he isn't ready for it yet, and if he's not that's fine and I'll get my own place instead (expecting him to say he agrees) but he was really passionate about the fact he does want to move in with me, so I guess now I just have to wait to see that in his actions as well! But I do believe he will, it just might take longer than I thought!

 

You're situation does sound amazing though by the way, I really respect that he did that, I hope you're still together and happy!

[Evanna]

And I guess I'm making excuses for him in a way too, because I do feel like a bit of a hypocrite, am I wrong to blame him for this stuff when I'm not much better myself?

 

I don't have a job either and quite honestly I find it really scary, I worry I might not get a job for months either, so I'm not really any better. Ok I am a good saver and I've been saving for years for this because I always knew I didn't want to go home, but I do understand his viewpoint which I guess is why I'm not sure if I'm dignified in feeling like this. I don't have my life together either, I can be really emotional too and he never bats an eyelid at that, where as in the past I've been really hurt for being like that. He's always there for me even when I'm a pain, and I want to do the same too.

[TMichaels]

Evanna,

 

I beg you. Please stop making excuses for this guy, and justifying his behavior.

 

I see where you're coming from when it comes to the "but I don't have a job yet either, so I'm being hypocritical" and "he's stood by me when I needed it, so I feel like I owe it to him."

 

Problem is, there is a difference. He may have a twin, but YOU aren't *his twin.* You finished uni, you understand the importance of saving money, and your goal is to get out there, get a job, and be a responsible adult. You're not there yet, but you are actively making and working a plan, and that's what counts.

 

He isn't doing any of those things and when faced with a decision about what to do with life, he's chosen the self-indulgent, easy way out which couldn't be more opposite than yours.

 

You need to understand that what a person says means nothing. How they behave is the real measure/indicator of who they really are.

 

IOW, he can tell you all he wants that he wishes things weren't so and he feels bad, but the fact remains he has chosen to live the lifestyle he has, and he is DOING nothing positive/constructive to change that reality. THAT is what you should be "listening" to -- not the words that may come out of his mouth or the thoughts that are going around and around in your head which either make you feel guilty, hopeful you can get him to change, or that you will never find another "him."

 

As far as you thinking "he just needs a little nudge"... Evanna honey, you ARE NOT his mother. While I agree with you his own mother is doing her children no favors by accepting and in fact encouraging the lifestyle her sons are living, the fact remains, SHE'S his mother, not you. We can argue for days about how as a mother she should be concerned about the path her children are on and motivate, mandate, prohibit, etc. their behavior, but she isn't doing it, and after all, both of her sons adults so they have the right to make their beds and lie in them any way they choose.

 

Other posters have given you very good advice here. Please heed it. You need to look out for yourself first and foremost, and that means getting on with your own life. To do so does not mean you are being selfish, insensitive, hypocritical, mean, or any other negative adjective you can come up with.

 

It's called being an adult and a contributing member of society who is responsible, goal driven, and takes care of and has pride in themselves. If you want to "give him a nudge," lead by example. Don't be his mother, babysitter, or his conscience.

 

You have to come to terms with the fact *HE has chosen* the situation he's now in. Conversely, *he* has to come to the conclusion his current lifestyle is getting him no where and take the steps necessary to change.

 

As I said before, he can talk all he wants about wishing everything was different, but the only thing that counts is what he actually does about it. IOW, he has to OWN his situation and the choices he's made -- in the past, today, and in the future.

 

If he doesn't, you're in for a lifetime of "mothering." Please don't do that to yourself. It will not be fun or pretty. As another poster said, you deserve a relationship with an equal -- not someone whom you have to "nudge" to do what most others see as the right thing to do from the start.

 

 

All the best,

TMichaels

[Lois_Griffin]

....but he was really passionate about the fact he does want to move in with me,

Of course he does.

 

He can be a lazy, shiftless pothead with his brother - who he's NOT enjoying living with - or be a lazy, shiftless pothead with YOU while you support him and cater to him as he tells you week after week, month after month, that he's trying SOOOOOOOOOOO hard to get a job.

 

What's not to like about THAT?