More than a month and a half!

[Truthtobetoldtoyou]

Hey all!

 

I posted my story here after the self-assumed break-up (more than a month and half back)! A lot has happened since!

 

I started therapy (2 weeks after the break-up, I was REALLY miserable then). My therapist gave me many insights which I couldn’t have gathered by myself (he told me I have been a victim of mental and physical abuse by both the partners, and, I can't believe I never realized it). I regained control of my work, my social life. Started meeting my friends again, went on a vacation with my family.

 

My therapist told me that my last break-up left me devastated, and, I am most likely a C-PTSD syndrome. And, it somehow contributed in me choosing this man, and, in order for my well-being, it was important, as per my therapist, to talk to this man, and, have all my questions answered. I told my therapist this man would reject this, and, he did. He refused outright, saying he owes me nothing.

 

After having talked to that MM, my therapist told me that man has zero empathy, and, I need to work on my well-being without any help from him.

 

I had few session with my therapist, will meet him again next week. That MM remained blocked everywhere, and, not even once I tried to contact him. Its, been two weeks since my last session with the therapist, and, I still am going good and bad on and off.

 

It's been more than a month and a half since it ended, I still feel terrible at times, not that I am miserable always, but, I need help on how to distract myself, how to not think about him (not thinking in good way, just rehashes of all bad things he did to me), how to not have his terrible thoughts the moment I get up.

 

I don't have any fond memories, but, all filled of despair. I just wish I can get over this episode, and, move on. Please help me in this journey!

[Sabella]

Hi, I'm so happy to hear you are making progress, I will go and search your old thread so I can better understand.

 

I think in regards to the pain of the past, you have to allow yourself to grieve. There are just going to be some ****ty days, I don't know how, or if you should avoid those. On the flip side, you can't wallow and stay there for too long. You will need to find your balance with that.

 

I think one of the healthiest things you can do for yourself is find a new outdoor hobby or recreation. Something physical would be awesome, but if that is not your thing, find something that inspires you. Something new, something that makes you happy, something you've always wanted to try. For me it's paddleboarding on my nearest river. Its very peaceful and it takes focus. This keeps me present and in the moment.

 

good job on moving forward

[Onlywhenitrains]

OP - I feel your pain, and I'm so sorry for what you are going through.

 

I'm pretty much at the same place as you. There are some good days here and there, but the really bad ones still prevail. I still have bad dreams that wake me up at night, and that's when I miss him the most, and pain seems unbearable. Those are my darkest times, and instead of reaching to him I post here.

 

Some things that work for me...I make daily 'to do' lists of activities, and hold myself accountable to execute on those; I started going to the gym daily as it really helps; started hiking again on a regular basis; treated myself with nice summer dress and trip to the beach; more time with friends and some really nice road trips with with them; I made a list of things that made me happy before the affair and I go back to it as a reminder; LS really helps, but I realized I have to pace myself and be balanced in how much time I spend here. Generally, thinking and remembering myself and who I was before the A helps the most.

 

Affairs ruin your self-esteem and this aftermath tends to be all about loving yourself, and regaining your inner strength and confidence. That's why remembering myself before all of this helps me tremendously. Yesterday, I thought about some of the most difficult times in my life. And, yes - this post A time made the list. But, I realized it's not even close to other, difficult situations in my life. I remembered the strength, confidence and hope I had in those situations. That was really comforting.

 

No matter how hard it is, I keep telling myself it will get better.

 

Stay strong!

[13Hearts]

Get busy focusing on the things you want out of life. What have you always wanted to do that you haven't yet done?

 

One fun thing you can do is get a bunch of magazines and make a Dreamboard. Google it for more information

[privategal]

We all just want to go AROUND a breakup. Fast forward through the pain, forget...

That is not real life, nor reality.

What would we ever learn and how could we ever grow if we were able to just skip forward, forget, and erase?

You cant go around...only through.

It hurts, consumes you..burns you with pain, lower self esteem...but, its reality until you fully heal. Try to embrace your feelings. Let them flow how they will until they are out of your system.

[burnt]

My therapist gave me many insights which I couldn’t have gathered by myself (he told me I have been a victim of mental and physical abuse by both the partners, and, I can't believe I never realized it).

 

In a way, perhaps in time you can think of this painful experience in a positive light in the sense that the pain from the affair led you to seek the help from the therapist and the therapist is helping you with not only the affair matter, but many other buried/hidden unaddressed problems from your past.

 

It's really good the way you are being receptive to the help from your therapist. Finding a good match with a therapist sometimes can be hard--so it's great that you are finding this therapist so helpful.

 

Though you are still having up and down time, I hope you can recognize that for a month and half marker, you are actually making good progress and give yourself the credit for that.

 

It will take a while for the anger/bitterness to completely dissipate; in fact, don't try to fight it all the time. Going through the anger is part of the normal grieving/healing process. Think of it as the scruffy/rough scab that forms on the skin after you are bruised. In a way the scab is really there to heal the wound. So don't go picking the scab off; after enough time the scab will fall off on its own.

 

It's so great that you're trying to find positive things to distract your mind from ruminating thoughts about the MM.

Whether you are an outside person or not, whether you are a fitness fanatic or not, being outside in nature and being physically active ALWAYS helps to bring a positive mood. So, that would be my strongest suggestion to you.

 

Try something new--even if the idea sounds weird to you. For example, experiment with a new dish, go for a walk in the pouring rain, listen to a new genre of music to just try it out.

Edited May 30, 2016 by burnt

[stilltrying16]

Hey all!

 

I posted my story here after the self-assumed break-up (more than a month and half back)! A lot has happened since!

 

I started therapy (2 weeks after the break-up, I was REALLY miserable then). My therapist gave me many insights which I couldn’t have gathered by myself (he told me I have been a victim of mental and physical abuse by both the partners, and, I can't believe I never realized it). I regained control of my work, my social life. Started meeting my friends again, went on a vacation with my family.

 

My therapist told me that my last break-up left me devastated, and, I am most likely a C-PTSD syndrome. And, it somehow contributed in me choosing this man, and, in order for my well-being, it was important, as per my therapist, to talk to this man, and, have all my questions answered. I told my therapist this man would reject this, and, he did. He refused outright, saying he owes me nothing.

 

After having talked to that MM, my therapist told me that man has zero empathy, and, I need to work on my well-being without any help from him.

 

I had few session with my therapist, will meet him again next week. That MM remained blocked everywhere, and, not even once I tried to contact him. Its, been two weeks since my last session with the therapist, and, I still am going good and bad on and off.

 

It's been more than a month and a half since it ended, I still feel terrible at times, not that I am miserable always, but, I need help on how to distract myself, how to not think about him (not thinking in good way, just rehashes of all bad things he did to me), how to not have his terrible thoughts the moment I get up.

 

I don't have any fond memories, but, all filled of despair. I just wish I can get over this episode, and, move on. Please help me in this journey!

 

Dear Truthtobetoldtoyou, it's good to hear from you again! I'm sorry things are so difficult right now but you are on the road to recovery. Painful though it is, you've accomplished so much in just 6 weeks. Your therapist sounds great! And wow, the MM wouldn't even do one little thing to give you closure- so good to know that your therapist confirmed what you were already suspecting, the MM's complete lack of empathy.

 

He'll probably spend a few years looking over his shoulder and wondering what you will do. Good.

 

I'm sorry you are feeling so low. Please do come here and keep posting. There's such great advice on this thread on how to start living your life again as the vibrant, bright, kind, and courageous person you are! Have you taken up anything new pursuits? Made plans to knock items off your bucket list? How can we help?

[HeCantBreakMe]

Hey all!

 

I posted my story here after the self-assumed break-up (more than a month and half back)! A lot has happened since!

 

I started therapy (2 weeks after the break-up, I was REALLY miserable then). My therapist gave me many insights which I couldn’t have gathered by myself (he told me I have been a victim of mental and physical abuse by both the partners, and, I can't believe I never realized it). I regained control of my work, my social life. Started meeting my friends again, went on a vacation with my family.

 

My therapist told me that my last break-up left me devastated, and, I am most likely a C-PTSD syndrome. And, it somehow contributed in me choosing this man, and, in order for my well-being, it was important, as per my therapist, to talk to this man, and, have all my questions answered. I told my therapist this man would reject this, and, he did. He refused outright, saying he owes me nothing.

 

After having talked to that MM, my therapist told me that man has zero empathy, and, I need to work on my well-being without any help from him.

 

I had few session with my therapist, will meet him again next week. That MM remained blocked everywhere, and, not even once I tried to contact him. Its, been two weeks since my last session with the therapist, and, I still am going good and bad on and off.

 

It's been more than a month and a half since it ended, I still feel terrible at times, not that I am miserable always, but, I need help on how to distract myself, how to not think about him (not thinking in good way, just rehashes of all bad things he did to me), how to not have his terrible thoughts the moment I get up.

 

I don't have any fond memories, but, all filled of despair. I just wish I can get over this episode, and, move on. Please help me in this journey!

 

I am 15 days NC and starting to think this is all mind over matter. Do not let yourself focus on him and if you catch yourself thinking about him and feeling sad get up and go do something. Talk to a friend, find something that makes you laugh and go do that. Keep your mind occupied with anything other than thoughts of him.. Do NOT i repeat do NOT let him win.

 

This is a marathon it isn't a sprint. You have to be gentle with yourself, remind yourself it's over, keep the anger in you and make yourself move forward. Keep your mind trained on the fact that you WILL be okay and do NOT focus on the pain. Eventually your mind will catch up and you start smiling again.

[Truthtobetoldtoyou]

:love:

 

Thank you all for your time, and, such great suggestions! This is exactly the reason I came here and started this thread. I want to learn different ways of reinventing myself.

 

And, I am sure I will conquer myself one day

 

@ Sabella, Although, I am not an outdoor person, but, I am ready to, as I said, re-invent myself. So, I am gonna start gymming.

 

@ Onlywhenitrains I wish you come out of it the most healthy way possible.

 

@ 13Hearts privategal burnt I am keen on cooking something different every weekend for my parents. I believe they will love it, and, I will be busy keeping them happy! Yes, the road to recovery is not easy, but, I am adamant to make it.

 

@ stilltrying16 Something about your replies, I get such empathetic feel that you can actually sense the pain. Thanks for feeling it. Like I said, I plan to hit gym, cook every weekend for my parents. And, I want to start driving again (I suck at it ) My therapist asked me to create a full 3 year plan around my career, finding the right partner, and, surrounding myself with the causes and people that comforts me, and, I am working on it. He asked me to take it all slow.

 

@ HeCantBreakMe I am with you on this. He can't win, I won't let him! I wish you get over it soon!