Porn - wants porn instead of me

[Confuzzzed]

Hi all,

 

I really need some advice, over an issue with porn. Am interested in both sides of the spectrum, but will give mine - sorry so long!

 

I have been with my husband for 11 years (I'm 29). I'm currently pregnant with twin boys which was planned, but this was the only reason we were having sex. Before then and after then he doesn't want to know.

 

History: 6 years ago (before our first son was born) He would watch porn occasionally but this changed to most/every day which would fulfil his needs in that area and so I was redundant - despite my efforts, he just didn't want to know. This went on for months. He would get pictures from girls on XBOX (he's pretty gorgeous) which didn't bother me too much I don't mind a bit of flirting etc and it was occasional rather than regularly (to my knowledge), I'm not a particularly jealous person and don't believe he would actually do the deed with someone else and don't really see the harm in it, it probably made him feel good.

 

Porn was another issue. To me, there is a difference between looking/flirting and getting off on someone else/someone else making you climax. No matter how I try to look at it, I felt like he needs other girls to feel satisfied and actively sought out other people to fulfil himself sexually. I hadn't even had children then so was size 10, decent boobs and figure (I think), can't do much about my face, but you don't need to look at it I guess? And would wear make up if he wanted me to. When I told him how I felt about it he was a bit shocked it bothered me so much and that I had reacted so badly. I told him exactly how I felt about it and I also have issues to do with my father where I think it stems from so told him about that too so he could try to understand from my perspective a bit more. (My mother left when I was 8 and I took over housekeeping/cooking/cleaning etc which meant every two weeks I would change my father's sheets (he would NEVER do it if I didn't) his room was always filled with videos, DVDs, magazines, pictures, I could go on. So from a young age I knew what it was and have always deeply hated it, it disgusted me.) I knew my husband did it occasionally (he's not very computer savy) and I didn't have a problem with that, thought it might be a fetish thing that he was embarrassed to explore with me etc, or just fancied looking but there is a difference between occasionally and every day/several times a day and wanting to watch porn instead of being with me.

 

It almost split us up - that's how strongly I felt/feel about it, he moved out. I eventually agreed to give it another go provided he didn't watch do/it. He agreed and we have been together since without incident.

 

6 years down the line we are here again. But this time we have a son and I am currently pregnant. My body is completely changed, I can't even try to lose weight until the babies are born - I would do it happily if that's what he wanted/needed, I would have surgery too. I have stretch marks on my tummy from my first pregnancy and my boobs aren't as firm - they're not saggy or anything, but not the way they were. I so understand that he doesn't like me any more, I wouldn't either. But he claims he does, why can't he be honest? It has been going on for months and months and he has been doing it all the time, when I'm out, in bed, in the bath literally any chance he gets. I didn't say a thing for months because I thought he'd stop, he'd remember how it makes me feel and just stop but he never did. What started as once a week very quickly became everyday, sometimes up to 3 times a day. He says I don't instigate enough so I have really tried to, I've bought clothes I hate wearing, acted in ways I despise, tried to be obvious, tried to be discreet, tried to take the lead, let him lead, be more relaxed and open/willing. But he just doesn't want to know. He would much rather watch these women than be with me and it's killing me, no matter what I do. I can't look like them I try and I try to act like them but nothing. He used to accept oral sometimes, but rarely even that any more, I think it's just me and I can't live like that. I want to be with someone who wants me and not feel like the ugly, fat woman at home.

 

A few weeks ago I confronted him again. I have told him I want the marriage to end, I can't be with someone I don't trust and who wants other people. It's affecting everything and I'm worried my little boy will pick up on things in the house - it's not healthy for him. He knows exactly how it makes me feel and how much I hate it, but still he chooses to do it every time, I would never do that to him, I can't understand why he is so willing to do it to me. I hate lying in bed wondering if some other woman is making him come. I think I need to admit defeat but then he says I can't take him away from his children and can't make him sleep under another roof - which I understand, you couldn't rip me from them. He says he loves me and doesn't want to be with anyone else, that I am overreacting and being silly and that it's because we don't have sex (I don't know what else I can do to make him want to have sex with me). He says he has admitted it and could have just denied everything, but he told me the truth so that should mean something, but I can count the number of times we have had sex in the past year on my hands - that's how bad it is and that's including trying for a baby. I asked him to show me what he likes, to tell me so I can try, but he says it's private and none of my business. I thought I'll pretend it didn't happen and carry on as normal which I have been doing for a couple weeks, but I can't any more, it's done too much damage and I truly believe he needs other people. In the two weeks we have 'been normal' we have had sex once and that was instigated by me and completely in the dark so he could pretend I was someone else if he wanted (I did all whole act so he didn't have to move and didn't face him, in case my face is the problem) which seemed to work, but he hasn't wanted it since despite my efforts.

 

What do I do? I don't want to end our marriage, I deeply love him, but I think in the end he will cheat, I'm just not enough for him. Is what I'm feeling normal or do I need counselling perhaps? Do all men do this? Am I the only woman that has an issue with it? He says I am overreacting because I'm pregnant and my hormones are everywhere, but I wasn't last time and still feel the same. I am so conflicted. I feel like he should only want me. I only want him and always have, if I do self-pleasure I only EVER think of him, but it seems he will do anything not to think of me.

 

I need help, I really do, please tell me what to do, I've never been this unhappy. Ever.

 

Thank you and so sorry it's so long, it's not the kind of thing I can talk to friends about.

[Emilia]

Sounds like an addiction issue. As with any addiction, if he doesn't think he has a problem, he won't seek help.

 

No of course not all men do this. They might watch some porn but many of them desire a regular sexual relationship with their wives.

 

unfortunately you are in a codependent relationship. Probably something that's impossible to fix.

[CupCakess]

He has porn addiction, something most young men suffer from now days.

 

Or just google porn addiction. You can find some tips on how to help you nd your husband.

Edited May 30, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed advert link ~ V

[elaine567]

History: 6 years ago (before our first son was born) He would watch porn occasionally but this changed to most/every day which would fulfil his needs in that area and so I was redundant - despite my efforts, he just didn't want to know.

 

 

This is when you should have walked away and not had kids with a guy who does not find you sexually attractive enough to have sex with you due to his porn addiction and his love affair with his right hand.

Porn that interferes with normal sexual activity between a couple cannot be tolerated, unless sex means nothing to the other party and they are happy living a sexless existence.

He is treating you abominably and you are allowing it. Kids or no kids he is ruining you here.

Walk away, and go find a man who will find you attractive sexually, this situation will kill you inside.

Edited May 30, 2016 by elaine567
fixed quote

[SammySammy]

If he never watched porn or masturbated again, would that solve your problem?

 

Would he desire sex with you? Initiate sex with you? Start to have a normal sex life with you?

 

If not, porn is not your problem. The intimacy issues between the two of you lie elsewhere. I suspect both of you contribute to them.

 

And both of you have poor methods of identifying and addressing the real issues ... whatever they may be.

 

From what you've told us, we don't know what is really causing the disconnect between the two of you. However, don't blame porn when porn is only a symptom of the problem and not the real problem.

 

Don't put a bandage on a stab wound. Sometimes we have to go deeper and address the real issues.

[Confused9999]

I just posted this on another thread. I think it's quite relevant. Maybe show this to your husband.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/sexual-reproductive-health-practices/582976-sexual-fantasies-getting-more-extreme#post6923992

 

 

Take a look at this.. Pretty scary!

 

Your Brain On Porn | Evolution has not prepared your brain for today's Internet porn

 

 

The point is every time you watch porn your brain gets a shot of dopamine. The more your watch the more you get the high.

However as time goes on your brain gets accustomed to that level of dopamine and you need more just to get the same level (which is more porn, or different porn or extreme porn)

 

This is a viscous cycle that many people are only realizing now.

There are now whole communities of men that are weening themselves off of porn.

[Confuzzzed]

If he never watched porn or masturbated again, would that solve your problem?

 

Would he desire sex with you? Initiate sex with you? Start to have a normal sex life with you?

 

In short, yes. I have no problem with masturbation - I realise this involves anyone and anything, but it's your imagination, it's not a person in front of you making you come, you literally looking at other people and getting aroused by them. I also pay no attention to it sometimes (I know he does it sometimes even before this) it doesn't bother me, but when he won't come near me it's an issue.

 

Last time it happened he stopped watching it and everything went back to normal - for 6 years, hence our son and this pregnancy. Now it has started again and he won't tell me why. When I ask him he says it's because we weren't having sex and when I say that's because he was watching it he just agrees and then goes silent...

[Cymbeline]

I think Midknightdreams might be right. The problem might be elsewhere. Or he has issues with you becoming a mother. Either way some counselling with a sex therapist or someone well qualified night help you get to the bottoms of this.

[Emilia]

But how do you go to the therapist with someone who won't even discuss the issue?

[Confuzzzed]

Thank you for your comments, much appreciated.

 

I think it is firmly the end of the road for us and I need to move on and build a new life where this simply won't be an issue. He is a wonderful father, truly, and a very involved one so I don't think creating a stable environment for the children will be difficult. I am going to move out, I have told him this, after my son's third birthday in July and before the twins are born so we can ensure there are measures in place and things are comfortable before we turn my son's life upside-down with us not living together and have two new brothers.

 

Don't feel as daunted as I thought I would, having other's opinions makes things much easier.

[bigman1]

Porn is an escape. He might use it when stressed. Having kids, new financial obligations are stressful events. Sex with you is foreplay, being considerate, and can be a form of stress because it denies him instant gratification.

 

Its NOT you, its him. Porn is his alcohol or crack. Cold turkey works, but when you relapse, its like you have to make up for lost time. He needs professional help.

[Confuzzzed]

Hi all, thank you so much for your comments, it gave me insight but courage to tell him that it's not OK, and I was leaving last night. I started to put things in motion.

 

At that, he panicked and said he'd show me, to try to make me see. I didn't want to look because of what I might see, I thought he was just trying to humiliate me more, but did. He sat me in front of the computer and got up the site(s) he uses, showed me what he types in and the phrases he searches for, what he would watch - it reduced him to tears. Turns out the sites aren't the beautiful women I thought they were, they were fetishes that he is utterly ashamed of, to the point of crying. I didn't think they were that bad at all (obviously don't want to say what they were) and when I saw it, all I felt was relief. I understand completely why he didn't want me to see them or know about them. I asked him why it had stopped us having sex and he said that the more I did things he wasn't used to, the more he felt completely disconnected from me like I didn't want to be having sex with him (obviously because I hated what I was doing). He thought maybe it was him, that I didn't like him any more so was trying to change things up to get my feelings back. He said my behaviour started to change around him and he didn't want to make me feel like I 'had' to have sex with him. He said it got worse and worse and there was no-one he could talk to about it because of what it was so he watched it more. He says he has no idea why he started doing it more, but just did, that he didn't really understand the way he was feeling. He said he stopped wanting oral because I won't look at him and keep my hair so he can't see my face and he doesn't like it, he wants to look at me, same with sex. I told him how I felt about my body and he said he knows that which is another reason he didn't want to push sex or put pressure on me, particularly when I fell pregnant and thought I'd be more self concious than I was already. He said the way my body has changed is because it needed to bring our baby into the world and he loves it, he says my body is a mark of our family and of his son. We talked for a long time.

 

I told him it is still not OK to put me through that, the way it made me feel, particularly that he knows how my confidence is. And that it's not OK that he did it in spite of how it made me feel. He said he couldn't answer that and that I was right, he did know exactly how it made me feel but did it anyway. He has said he will do whatever I want to do and obviously stop, but wanted me to know that it really isn't about me, it's to do with himself.

 

He said regardless of whether or not I want to be with him he is pleased he has told me/shown me because it feels like a weight has gone and that there is no secret or shame hovering in the background. He wants strongly to get things back on track and start again, openly and honestly. He has said he is completely open to counselling, or any place I want him to go to address the issues he has and if I want to leave, that's OK too, but didn't want me to leave thinking what I thought.

 

Now I feel very odd. I don't feel as betrayed in that it wasn't at all what I thought, but how could our communication be so wrong after this long being together and he still did it knowing it hurt me, something is wrong there, we shouldn't be like that. Talking like that has made me feel miles better about myself, I feel like I want to draw a line and start again, but still a bit confused, is giving it another shot the right thing to do? I don't want to be blinded because I love him. I want to make the right decision for my children.