Tony Help!I am so stressed out!

[Marie]

Hi,

 

I don't know where to begin. I have been seeing my boyfriend for a little over 2 years now. I know and I think he knows that although our relationship is not totally exciting, we are alright for eachother. I mean we a different in our personalities but somehow it works. We do fight often but it seldom lasts for more than a few days then we are talking again. Everytime we argue I get so fed up and want to give up on what we have, so I tell him it's over, it's because sometimes I feel that it is in fact over, that there is too much silence in our relationship and it hurts me to see this. I love him alot and care about him too. I also get the feeling that he feels that our relationship is growing old, that the spark and the passion have faded away. I don't know that, but I see it in him when I am with him. Sometimes he acts up and tries to do things to piss me off, just so that I get mad or cry. What I don't understand is that, if he wants me to leave for good and that he feels that I may not be happy in the relationship, why does he always call me back everytime I tell him its over. If he wants to get rid of me than why does he keep calling.

 

I don't know what to think of this. He is so unreliable in his behaviour. I don't want to lose him, but I don't know how much more I can handle. One time he asked me if I was afraid to be alone?! I don't know why he would ask such a thing. Could it be that he isn't strong enough himself to leave me for good or does he think that I am too needy? I was so hurt when he asked me that. I just couldn't believe how rude he was to me. Well Tony if you could answer this one question as to why a guy would ask this, I would appreciate it. Thanks a bunch!

 

Marie

[Tony T]

Marie:

 

I am not a mind reader. I have no idea why other people ask specific questions. But in the context of your post, I would speculate that he wants to terminate the relationship but he cares that you would somehow be afraid of being alone.

 

Yours is not a good relationship. You make a compelling argument for parting ways. You write:

 

1. The relationship is not totally exciting...whatever that would be.

 

2. The two of you are "alright" for each other. I really don't think "alright" is good enough myself...not at this early stage of what could be a lifelong relationship.

 

3. You have different personalities but "somehow" it works.

 

4. The two of you fight often.

 

5. Every time you fight you tell him it's over.

 

6. There's too much silence in your relationship.

 

7. You have the feeling he feels the relationship is growing old.

 

8. The spark and passion have faded away.

 

9. Sometimes he acts up and tries to piss you off so you'll get mad a cry.

 

10. He always calls you back when you tell him it's over so he can come back and piss you off more.

 

11. He asks you questions that hurt you.

 

Again, there's just no way I can know where his head is at. That's a question you need to ask him. But your relationship is not good and there seems to be no effort being made...or actually any desire to make an effort...to improve things.

 

There is really no point in prolonging a situation that causes you hurt, pain and frustration. Life is way too short for that.

 

Have one final talk with him and let him know very plainly and simply that you are not going to tolerate the way the relationship has been going. Either mutually decide to work on it, perhaps with the assistance of a trained counsellor, or end it.

 

Right now, you have very little together and that's just not good for either of you. The fact that you have to ask someone on the Internet what your boyfriend meant by saying something is proof positive that there are serious communications problems between the two of you.

 

I hope you can work it out but don't put yourself through much more of this. Constant arguments, bickering and silent treatments are NO WAY TO LIVE!!!

[Dragonflys]

My guess (and I may be wrong) is that you may be a little uptight and that may intimidate him a little. His own silence is frustrating him and he is trying to spark you up by pissing you off to see you express yourself a little. He wants to see you express yourself more, even if it is negative expression. He even may be a little uptight himself.

 

It sound like you two really love each other and want to be together for many reasons, but the way both of you express yourselves is discordant. I think if this has always been the way then you two can work through this by putting yourselves in situations where you are both comfortable and are able to interact more. You may need him to be a little silly sometimes.

 

Hey I may be way off here, but I'm trying to give you an alternative if I hit the mark.