Spoiled Stepson...

[JarodOner]

What are some tips one un-spoiling a kid?

 

Saying NO all the time gets old and I only become the bad guy... what have you done to un-spoil a kid?

 

It's rough.

[Boron]

I'm a former spoiled stepson and this is a little story about what my parents did.

 

I Had a rough childhood though and that's why they spoiled me. But I got used to it and started to take advantage of them. I got more and more.

 

They gave me a house and a truck and basically everything I could manipulate them into giving me.

 

Eventually they did stood up for themselves and i'll always love them for it.

 

They kicked me out and took my truck. I had no money and nowhere to go.

 

I was homeless for a bit. But it woke me up and I have since become more of who I wanted to be anyway.

 

I am fairly successful now and it's thanks to them.

 

I never hated them for it. I have also made up with them and we share a stable and happy relationship.

 

So the moral of the story I think is you may need to progress to more than saying no.

 

You also need to communicate with your wife and explain the issue if she doesn't already know.

 

It's useless for you to do anything unless its backed up by your wife.

Edited May 30, 2016 by Boron

[minimariah]

you don't have to say NO all the time; say no to those requests you think are inappropriate & explain why and stick to your word. show balance & consistency, authority. communicate well.

 

how old is your step-son and who is raising him...? is his father in the picture? if he is, try to fix up some boundaries with HIM and his partner (if he has one). if he is out of the picture - it's on you and your wife.

[JarodOner]

you don't have to say NO all the time; say no to those requests you think are inappropriate & explain why and stick to your word. show balance & consistency, authority. communicate well.

 

how old is your step-son and who is raising him...? is his father in the picture? if he is, try to fix up some boundaries with HIM and his partner (if he has one). if he is out of the picture - it's on you and your wife.

 

He's 7. Just my wife and I.

 

My wife and I set rules but since she was a single mother for so long she tends to give in where I'm like... uh no, lol.

 

I'm not ALWAYS saying no, but I do find myself saying no more often than her.

 

For instance when he wants something, I make him earn it... with her, if there's a Kohl's coupon about to expire for 20% off she'll go and use it just to use it and buy her son junk.

 

She'll justify her buying him random things when they go out... he'll always have a new toy in his hand when he gets home.

 

That type of stuff.

[Whoknew30]

He's 7. Just my wife and I.

 

My wife and I set rules but since she was a single mother for so long she tends to give in where I'm like... uh no, lol.

 

I'm not ALWAYS saying no, but I do find myself saying no more often than her.

 

For instance when he wants something, I make him earn it... with her, if there's a Kohl's coupon about to expire for 20% off she'll go and use it just to use it and buy her son junk.

 

She'll justify her buying him random things when they go out... he'll always have a new toy in his hand when he gets home.

 

That type of stuff.

 

Do you have your own kids? What you're explaining is pretty normal. Will you be the exact same way when you both have kids together?

[Tayla]

I understand your concern. The child is receiving gifts as a way to supplement areas of genuine bonding.

 

I would sit and address this with his mother. Explain that this constant compensating is unhealthy. Give him love,guidance and sometimes a listening ear Before saying NO.

 

He is definitely going to need some re-adjustment for how to ask or how to earn certain privileges.

 

I do understand your frustration. Parenting is often a balancing act.

[JarodOner]

I understand your concern. The child is receiving gifts as a way to supplement areas of genuine bonding.

 

I would sit and address this with his mother. Explain that this constant compensating is unhealthy. Give him love,guidance and sometimes a listening ear Before saying NO.

 

He is definitely going to need some re-adjustment for how to ask or how to earn certain privileges.

 

I do understand your frustration. Parenting is often a balancing act.

 

Awesome, thank you.

[JarodOner]

Do you have your own kids? What you're explaining is pretty normal. Will you be the exact same way when you both have kids together?

 

I do not have any kids... yet.

 

If this is normal can I get my money back at the door?! Lol...

 

In my mind, if they want something they should work for it... nothing too crazy, but put some effort in. Buying them things JUST because they asked for it doesn't seem right to me.

 

Because when they don't get their way they'll almost say/do anything to get a yes. Not good in my book.

[Gemma1]

I respectfully disagree with the pervious poster because NO that is not normal. You don't buy a kid a toy every time you go out and you don't look for excuses to do it. Wanna know the last time we bought our son a new toy?

 

I honestly don't even remember.

 

But we do constantly take him out for experiences. Traveling, camping, kayaking, etc. he's spoiled with experiences. You need to have a serious conversation with your wife. You don't have a problem with the kid, you have a problem with her. You have to get her priorities to change. Once you do that, you'll "unspoil" the kid in no time. Especially if you learn to spoil him in the good ways instead :-)

[minimariah]

You need to have a serious conversation with your wife.

 

this! ^

 

OP - you need to talk with your wife & come up with some kind of consistent parenting plan. you need to work TOGETHER. be kind & tactful because that is her child and she will probably take some offense; rather than telling her that she's doing it wrong... tell her that you want to actively participate in the parenting, too & that you think a stricter way would benefit the kid even more.

[turnera]

You are spot on about him needing to earn things above the norm. I suggest two things.

 

Take your wife to a therapist and tell the therapist your concerns. I can't imagine a single therapist agreeing to give the kid a toy every time they go out. If she hears it from a professional, she may rethink her attitude.

 

And find and print out everything you can find on Authoritative Parenting. It's the only preferred method to raise children. And it clearly talks about not spoiling kids, making clear your expectations and rules as well as the consequences for not following them.

[Whoknew30]

I respectfully disagree with the pervious poster because NO that is not normal. You don't buy a kid a toy every time you go out and you don't look for excuses to do it. Wanna know the last time we bought our son a new toy?

 

I honestly don't even remember.

 

But we do constantly take him out for experiences. Traveling, camping, kayaking, etc. he's spoiled with experiences. You need to have a serious conversation with your wife. You don't have a problem with the kid, you have a problem with her. You have to get her priorities to change. Once you do that, you'll "unspoil" the kid in no time. Especially if you learn to spoil him in the good ways instead :-)

 

This is coming from someone that's isn't a parent & people that aren't parents themselves "know" a lot about parenting before actually becoming a parent. Also he's always saying no which can be making his wife over compensate.

[Gemma1]

This is coming from someone that's isn't a parent & people that aren't parents themselves "know" a lot about parenting before actually becoming a parent. Also he's always saying no which can be making his wife over compensate.

I think he's saying no because he's having to over compensate for his wife spoiling the child.

 

Agree to disagree!

[JarodOner]

I think he's saying no because he's having to over compensate for his wife spoiling the child.

 

Agree to disagree!

 

Spot on.

 

This is exactly what's happening. I know there's a better way though, that's why I'm asking.

[JarodOner]

I respectfully disagree with the pervious poster because NO that is not normal. You don't buy a kid a toy every time you go out and you don't look for excuses to do it. Wanna know the last time we bought our son a new toy?

 

I honestly don't even remember.

 

But we do constantly take him out for experiences. Traveling, camping, kayaking, etc. he's spoiled with experiences. You need to have a serious conversation with your wife. You don't have a problem with the kid, you have a problem with her. You have to get her priorities to change. Once you do that, you'll "unspoil" the kid in no time. Especially if you learn to spoil him in the good ways instead :-)

 

Thank you for this. Perfect response and I totally agree. I've tried telling her what I think and she instantly says, "So I'm a bad mom?"

 

It's getting my wife on board but she thinks she's being mean or denying him if she says no... stuff like this throws me off.

[JAbba2gEther]

What are some tips one un-spoiling a kid?

 

Saying NO all the time gets old and I only become the bad guy... what have you done to un-spoil a kid?

 

It's rough.

Hello JarodOner. I read your blog and I can’t resist responding to you. It appears that you want to do the best thing for your new inherited family, but realise now that you are playing the ‘bad guy’ by saying ‘no’ to some of the demands of your stepchild.

 

Just to let you know, I fully understand your situation in some ways. My own mother remarried after my biological father died, and I inherited two stepsisters. One had a problem with gambling, and was expecting my mother and her stepfather to give her money whenever she had spent too much. Both my stepsisters were adults at that time, but I could still see the tension caused whenever my stepsister asked for money. I myself am also a father of a teenage daughter, and know how difficult it can be to say ‘no’ when your child is insisting on his/her own way.

 

I was reading an article just about the same issue the other day - about a ‘spoiled’ stepson. I would like to quote the article a little, if I may:

 

“It’s common for single moms to be somewhat lenient and lax about establishing standards and enforcing consequences for inappropriate behavior. If your new husband is a firm disciplinarian, we can guarantee that your child isn’t going to like it..”

 

You know what I noticed about children? They value boundaries. They actually respect you more if you state clearly the boundaries and say ‘no’ to some of their requests. Because, often the real world functions like this. If you saw the recent article about the four year old entering a gorilla’s enclosure in a zoo, you will know that children can get into trouble if certain boundaries are crossed. We also know that laws are made by governments to prevent harm to its citizens. So, it is important that parents provide boundaries to children - so they can learn to become useful participants in society as they grow older.

 

So, JadrodOner, when you are considering the negative feelings you may experience when you are the so-called ‘bad guy’, maybe you should ask yourself “will this boundary I am giving this child now going to help him in years to come”? If so, you should reward yourself by knowing that you are giving your stepchild coping skills to accept ‘no’ from more than just his parents in the future. And if you are contributing to your step child’s personal growth, then I would congratulate you for setting these limits. Your stepchild may say what he/she thinks about your limits now, but in the future I am sure any resentments will melt into gratitude and admiration as they mature into adults.

[Lois_Griffin]

LOL. There's currently a post on one of the boards here about a guy dating a 58 year old woman who STILL does this crap for her deadbeat 37 year old son. Hands him money when he needs it, cleans up his messes after him, and indulges his irresponsible and disgusting behavior.

 

Parents who continually over-indulge their kids usually end up with self-entitled adults who think the world owes them something.

[chatter]

Thank you for refusing to spoil him rotten. I am involved with a man who was nothing but spoiled growing up. The kind of spoiled where he got everything on his list for christmas, thousands of dollars worth of things. Had his food cooked for him brought out to him, then received a massage after dinner. Never had chores, had 200$ deposited in his account every week in college. Never forced him to get a job. Two trucks one for high school one for college. He would text his mom a pair of oakleys he wanted and sure enough he got them. That kind of spoiled. Please raise a man to be a husband and a father thank you from the bottom of my heart for refusing to spoil him. I'm sure that as soon as you both work together you guys can come up with a wonderful plan to raise him together and on a emotionally healthy level where he grows up to be someones dream because yal did such a good job! Cheering you on the from the sideline!

[TrustedthenBusted]

I'm no help here. I spoil the **** out of my kids.

 

But they make it easy because they seem to KNOW they've got it good, and don't try to milk it.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

For instance when he wants something, I make him earn it...

 

I think this is the best way, in my opinion, on how to handle this,

But being a parent, you get to choose how to raise your kid!

It's often taught in child psychology to praise the perseverance of hard work,

Rather than the accomplishment itself, a reward just being a perk.

 

"I want a new toy", precedes "Well, then, clean up your messy room",

Or "Let's go to the park" met with "Let's read a book, then we'll go vroom!"

Can you do something different? Will it work for you and your child?

That is your prerogative and depends on how you'd like him to survive the wild!

[MissCongeniality]

What are some tips one un-spoiling a kid?

 

Saying NO all the time gets old and I only become the bad guy... what have you done to un-spoil a kid?

 

It's rough.

Typically smacking works best. If my teenage daughter acts up (and I mean if she REALLY ACTS UP) I just smack her and tell her to stop acting like a spoiled brat and be grateful for what she has then I lock her in her room no cell phone no internet nothing. Also I find with all my kids taking something from them works best. I know it sounds bad but sometimes you just have to be cruel to be kind. Especially with my kids I tried all that lovy dovy nonsense does not work I'm tough but fair. I'm not their friend I'm their mother.

Edited June 26, 2016 by MissCongeniality

[anika99]

Typically smacking works best. If my teenage daughter acts up (and I mean if she REALLY ACTS UP) I just smack her and tell her to stop acting like a spoiled brat and be grateful for what she has then I lock her in her room no cell phone no internet nothing. Also I find with all my kids taking something from them works best. I know it sounds bad but sometimes you just have to be cruel to be kind. Especially with my kids I tried all that lovy dovy nonsense does not work I'm tough but fair. I'm not their friend I'm their mother.

 

I agree with disciplining kids and giving them consequences for their actions but I strongly disagree with hitting a teenager.

 

I was hit, both as a child and as a teenager. When I was little I was pretty accepting of being spanked. I would cry for a bit and then I would forget about it. Around the age of 11 that changed. I was still little and dependent on my parents so of course if they wanted to hit me I had no choice but to accept it but the powerlessness of being physically assaulted and unable to fight back led to feelings of resentment and contempt for my parents.

 

By the time I was a teen, rather than just shedding a few tears and then forgetting about, I would instead go to my room and feel absolute rage towards my parents. I would have fantasies of all the ways I was going to get even with them someday and those were some pretty violent disturbed fantasies. I would actually daydream about killing them and I savoured those fantasies.

 

When I became an adult and remembered how much hate I felt towards my parents, how I had violent fantasies about hurting them and killing them, I thought wow, I must have been messed up in the head. Many years later I learned that I was having a normal reaction to being hit and unable to stop it. My parents created that rage and violence in me when they hit me as a teen. I left home when I was sixteen and never went back. There were times I was utterly homeless and I still preferred that over living with my emotionally stunted childish parents who were so immature that they hitting me was an acceptable way to resolve conflict. How ridiculous! And they weren't beating me to a pulp or anything like that. They were just smacking me with an open hand, and spanking but it was around the age of 11 or 12 that I realized I was a seperate entity, a person with ownership of my body.

 

Don't hit teenagers.

[Cherryz]

You cant be earning every single thing as kid.

There should be also more moments that you give without all of that.

 

Since its not your kid, you should have long conversations with her mom

and set some rules. ONce you both on same page you can

take care of him .

 

And its ok to spoil yourself or wife or son once in a while.

Dont be to strict.

And you should have talk this all true way before marrying her.

 

And try to see why you not ok with her way and why you find yourself the best way.

Is she trying to make up for his dad not being there?

Or is it just a only child thing that she is doing?

Either way explain why you think its not ok, and find a middle way.

[MissCongeniality]

I agree with disciplining kids and giving them consequences for their actions but I strongly disagree with hitting a teenager.

 

I was hit, both as a child and as a teenager. When I was little I was pretty accepting of being spanked. I would cry for a bit and then I would forget about it. Around the age of 11 that changed. I was still little and dependent on my parents so of course if they wanted to hit me I had no choice but to accept it but the powerlessness of being physically assaulted and unable to fight back led to feelings of resentment and contempt for my parents.

 

By the time I was a teen, rather than just shedding a few tears and then forgetting about, I would instead go to my room and feel absolute rage towards my parents. I would have fantasies of all the ways I was going to get even with them someday and those were some pretty violent disturbed fantasies. I would actually daydream about killing them and I savoured those fantasies.

 

When I became an adult and remembered how much hate I felt towards my parents, how I had violent fantasies about hurting them and killing them, I thought wow, I must have been messed up in the head. Many years later I learned that I was having a normal reaction to being hit and unable to stop it. My parents created that rage and violence in me when they hit me as a teen. I left home when I was sixteen and never went back. There were times I was utterly homeless and I still preferred that over living with my emotionally stunted childish parents who were so immature that they hitting me was an acceptable way to resolve conflict. How ridiculous! And they weren't beating me to a pulp or anything like that. They were just smacking me with an open hand, and spanking but it was around the age of 11 or 12 that I realized I was a seperate entity, a person with ownership of my body.

 

Don't hit teenagers.

I've only smacked my daughter as a teen twice the first time I found drugs in her room the second I caught her on cam with an older boy. Both times she refused to hear me out and just acted completely entitled and immature. Give the seriousness of what she was doing I don't think smacking her was an over reaction.

[S2B]

Does your wife work? Earn money?

 

Is it the money you're mad about or the action?

 

I can understand being angry she is giving any child everything they ask for - that's not balanced.

 

But when and IF she is buying anything - is it money she had to earn herself?

 

Does she do frivolous spending in other areas?

 

 

Have you explained to her that it looks like she is buying gifts out of guilt? Has she addressed that guilt?

 

You could agree to a tight budget so maybe she doesn't have access to unlimited spending...

 

It's defiant of your wife to disrespect your wishes. Does she disrespect you in other ways?