Just discovered an old affair

[Buddy15]

Hi everyone,

 

My wife and I have been married for 23 years. Prior to that we dated for quite a long time. My wife and I met in school and I immediately felt that she was my soulmate. She was, and still is, an incredibly beautiful woman. I was also attracted to her because I thought she was incredibly wholesome and committed to our relationship. Unfortunately, less than a year after meeting, and a number of months into our dating relationship, she was forced to move to a distant city with her family.

 

Unfortunately, while we were apart, she did attend a party with a young man from one of her college classes. She described this as a party amongst classmates and, even though this man expressed a romantic desire toward her and he took her out on one previous occasion. She indicated that she only went to the party with him because she wanted to socialize with her peers. She maintained that she had no romantic interest in him whatsoever. However, at the party, he began using street drugs and came onto her quite hard. Shortly after this, she told me about this event and we had a very significant argument about the inappropriate situation that she had placed herself into. Nevertheless, she indicated that she wanted to remain with me and we continued our dating relationship. We eventually married.

 

Last week, following an argument about this past issue, my wife finally admitted to me that she did have a romantic interest in this other man. She explained that she gave up on our relationship immediately after she moved away, even though she never told me this at the time. She also admitted that she was, in fact, attracted to the man from her class and she admitted that they were "dating" at the time they went to the party together, even though I understood that we were still a couple. However, she felt repulsed by him when she found him abusing street drugs. She also admitted that, prior to this incident with the drugs, she enjoyed the attention that he gave her because it made her feel attractive and it bolstered her confidence. She also admitted that she was open to casual relationships with other men from her school during this time because she thought that we were done, even though she never said this to me. She also stated that she began to consider a long term relationship with me after I continued to travel to see her and she realized that I was truly committed to her.

 

Quite frankly, even though these events took place many years ago, my wife’s recent admission hit me like a hammer to the head because, to me, we've always been in a monogamous relationship. My wife says she lied to me all this time because she wanted to protect our relationship. However, I feel like the woman that I married was not the individual that I thought she was. My wife, on the other hand, states that I need to get over this so that we can move on. However, I am not sure how to do this. I would appreciate any advice or guidance from the members of this forum because I feel stuck and unable to move forward, even though this happened many years ago. Thank you in advance for your guidance and support.

[Satu]

Welcome to Loveshack.

 

I have two questions for you:

 

1. What do you want to happen next?

 

2. What's your desired outcome?

 

Give this some thought.

[understand50]

I am not quite sure what you are asking, you dance around the question. Was she having sex with this guy, and others during this time? This does make a huge difference in what you should do. Do you believe her on this point?

 

The thing is, that once lying starts, you never know when it ends. My advise is to tell that she needs to come clean, that you may not have married her if she had fessed up back then and that this needs to be addressed. You may be willing to forgive her, as she has been committed and faithful, I hope, but that by lying to you, and it was for her benefit, and not yours, she crossed a line. Time does not make a difference. If you are going to forgive her, you need to know what you are forgiving, and you need to know ALL of it.

 

Press for full details on past sex out side of your relationship, when you believed, and she let you believe you were a committed couple. Seems she had one set of rule for herself and another for you. If she is not willing to do this, you have bigger issues to attend to. I would suggest MC, as she does not know she needs to have remorse for what she did.

 

I wish you luck.....

[bubbaganoosh]

My wife, on the other hand, states that I need to get over this so that we can move on. However, I am not sure how to do this. I would appreciate any advice or guidance from the members of this forum because I feel stuck and unable to move forward, even though this happened many years ago. Thank you in advance for your guidance and support.

 

You should have told her when she said to get over it if she would have felt if you did what she did then telling her to get over it.

 

She lied to you and kept you from making a honest decision whether you would have married her. She planted a seed of doubt big time in your head and if it was me, I would want to know if she had sex with the guy and if you still feel like she's lying to you then I would let her know that she's on the edge of a cliff and if she wants to keep from falling off then set up a polygraph and have her take it. If she really wants the marriage and has nothing to hide then she'll take it and if she gives you a hard time then you know there's more and let her know, "Going once, going twice and do it in a way she knows your not fooling around.

[seamos]

I think two things;

 

First, after 23 years of marriage, if this is truly how it happened then you probably do need to "get over it". That would be a lot to throw away over an indiscretion that happened that long ago, while dating, in a LDR.

 

Second; it's not your wife's place to tell you to "get over it". She needs to realize how this affects you and accept her responsibility in this.

 

I have very little experience w/ counselling but hear a lot of people on here recommend it.

 

Might be the best for both of you.

 

Good luck.

[Bufo]

This problem is why I recommend taking premarital indiscretions to the grave. Fortunately I've never been asked and also have never asked.

 

Has this issue been festering for 23+ years? Was it brought up after you were married? She lied long ago and that is the genesis of this problem. You apparently never believed her. Now she has disclosed and a new problem has reared it's ugly head: a feeling of betrayal.

 

Is it the lies or premarital romance with another that is really bothering you? A little reflection on this might help. It's one thing to insist that a spouse get over the romance but quite another to insist that the wronged spouse get over a history of lies.

[Mr. Lucky]

Last week, following an argument about this past issue, my wife finally admitted to me that she did have a romantic interest in this other man.

 

You had an argument over something that happened 25 years ago? This plus the fact she's willing to tag you with "Oh yeah? I had the hots for so-and-so" indicates real-time problems bigger than an unclear LDR in the first Bush administration.

 

Talk to us about what's going on in your marriage now...

 

Mr. Lucky

[road]

Telling the BH to get over it is not an appropriate response from the WW.

 

 

This is a 23 year old news to the WW. She has had 23 years to process this and get over it.

 

 

Though for the BH this is in the now, as in he just found out. He has not even had 23 days to get over this. His WW's attitude is the wrong one for the BH to get past this affair.

 

 

BH tell your WW that you need to have all your questions answered about the affair and the time she moved away.

 

 

Then tell her that you will be scheduling a polygraph test to make sure that you got the whole truth from her.

 

 

If this affair is to get rug swept you will never heal from it.

[NTV]

Telling the BH to get over it is not an appropriate response from the WW.

 

 

This is a 23 year old news to the WW. She has had 23 years to process this and get over it.

 

 

Though for the BH this is in the now, as in he just found out. He has not even had 23 days to get over this. His WW's attitude is the wrong one for the BH to get past this affair.

 

 

BH tell your WW that you need to have all your questions answered about the affair and the time she moved away.

 

 

Then tell her that you will be scheduling a polygraph test to make sure that you got the whole truth from her.

 

 

If this affair is to get rug swept you will never heal from it.

 

 

Buddy, I know what's going through your head right now. 'if she lied about this what else has she lied about?'

 

 

And that's why I completely agree with Road on this one. If this is the only time she's cheated or mislead you, effin' great. But you don't know that to be true anymore. You just don't. So find out what you can trust.

 

 

That's a long time to be married to throw away. But if she won't take a polygraph, then the marriage isn't worth a polygraph to her.... in my opinion anyways.

[lemondrop21]

You had an argument over something that happened 25 years ago? This plus the fact she's willing to tag you with "Oh yeah? I had the hots for so-and-so" indicates real-time problems bigger than an unclear LDR in the first Bush administration.

 

Talk to us about what's going on in your marriage now...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Agree with Mr. Lucky - it's weird that she would drop this information on you in the heat of an argument after all these years. I really wonder what her motivations were. If simply to hurt you - does she commonly say things this extreme just to hurt you? That seems problematic in and of itself (and you could be just as bad as she is, we have no way of knowing). If she held it in for 23 years, she really shouldn't be using it as a weapon now.

 

Or could she have had other motivations, such as gauging your reaction to the disclosure of a lie? It would be a bit weird to do it in the heat of an argument if this were the case, but maybe it had been simmering for a while. And maybe there are other, more recent secrets that she is holding in.

[Mr. Lucky]

It would be a bit weird to do it in the heat of an argument if this were the case, but maybe it had been simmering for a while. And maybe there are other, more recent secrets that she is holding in.

 

Or there's so much current dissension and resentment she feels there's not much left to lose.

 

Buddy15, you'll have to put these events both past and present in context to receive any feedback beyond speculation...

 

Mr. Lucky

[burnt]

Shortly after this, she told me about this event and we had a very significant argument about the inappropriate situation that she had placed herself into.

 

So you two were dating and were physically apart; according to her recent confession, she THOUGHT the relationship was off and based on that she did all these things in the party.

 

Once she saw you and realized that you were truly committed to her, she, ON HER OWN told you about this party. She could've hidden the whole thing altogether--but instead she chose to confess voluntarily.

 

After her confession, your response was a "significant argument" about "HER inappropriate behavior".

 

Understand, she wasn't fooling around while she was still seeing you; she was not even married--just dating; on top, she was misguided and under the impression that she was SINGLE. From her misunderstood position this was not cheating.

 

So from her point of view, all she did was a simple mistake, which she confessed to you out of love and your reaction was to argue about her "inappropriate" actions.

 

Seeing you overreact like that, I can understand why she would not want to tell the whole truth all these years.

 

It's rather concerning, WHY you would be fighting over such a simple misunderstanding after 23 years of marriage.

 

From how I see it: she made a mistake and you blew it out of proportion and for 23 years she covered it fearing how you would react if you were to know the whole story. And the fact that you were fighting over this issue all these years later only proves that you revisit and redo old confrontations.

 

I am sorry to say that your wife has a very good reason to say "get over it"; and by that she probably is referring to you being unable to let go of things from years ago that don't need to be stewed upon.

 

 

Reiterating another poster, THIS issue cannot be the center of the problem. There's got to be something way bigger in your marriage that's causing these fights in the first place.

[road]

So you two were dating and were physically apart; according to her recent confession, she THOUGHT the relationship was off and based on that she did all these things in the party.

 

Once she saw you and realized that you were truly committed to her, she, ON HER OWN told you about this party. She could've hidden the whole thing altogether--but instead she chose to confess voluntarily.

 

After her confession, your response was a "significant argument" about "HER inappropriate behavior".

 

Understand, she wasn't fooling around while she was still seeing you; she was not even married--just dating; on top, she was misguided and under the impression that she was SINGLE. From her misunderstood position this was not cheating.

 

So from her point of view, all she did was a simple mistake, which she confessed to you out of love and your reaction was to argue about her "inappropriate" actions.

 

Seeing you overreact like that, I can understand why she would not want to tell the whole truth all these years.

 

It's rather concerning, WHY you would be fighting over such a simple misunderstanding after 23 years of marriage.

 

From how I see it: she made a mistake and you blew it out of proportion and for 23 years she covered it fearing how you would react if you were to know the whole story. And the fact that you were fighting over this issue all these years later only proves that you revisit and redo old confrontations.

 

I am sorry to say that your wife has a very good reason to say "get over it"; and by that she probably is referring to you being unable to let go of things from years ago that don't need to be stewed upon.

 

 

Reiterating another poster, THIS issue cannot be the center of the problem. There's got to be something way bigger in your marriage that's causing these fights in the first place.

 

 

 

 

The OP never said there was the break up talk and he continued to see her as his GF and started a LDR with her.

 

 

So for anyone including the WW to say they were broken up is based on nothing but wishful thinking.

 

 

Cheating and having a PA is not a simple mistake.

 

 

Lying an trickle truth to mislead her BH is not a simple mistake.

 

 

Those actions are not a simple mistake. They are cheating and lying. Deceiving her BH for 23 years is a deliberate act.

 

 

This D day is now for this BH. Brand new. This WW had 23 years to process her affair and leave it behind in the past.

 

 

She has some nerve to tell her BH it was 23 years ago. She would give him 23 months, weeks, days, not even 23 hours to process what has happened to him. This is the awful truth about his WW.

[TrustedthenBusted]

Couple things.

 

you DO need to get over what happened back then. It was so long ago that it really doesn't matter. You were all kids.

 

What matters is what happened during your 23 years of marriage.

 

HOWEVER - I don't think your issue is these other guys. I think it's that she lied to you for as long as she did. And SHE needs to understand that you don't have to just GET OVER that.

 

What she's done is place incredible amounts of doubt in your mind about her, what she will be truthful about, and what she won't. And I'm guessing you are spending useless cycles trying to figure out how deep the rabbit hole really is.

 

if you talk to her, don't talk about what she did way back when. Talk to her about how this has all made you feel about HER today. That is your issue.

[standtall]

Ask yourself what you hope to accomplish by dredging all this old BS up. Be warned about all this full disclosure crap as it may burn your marriage to the ground.....unless that is what you want to accomplish.

 

 

My recommendation is to get over it..we all have a past.

[Heracles]

I don't even know why you are asking for advice here. You know in your heart what is right but I my opinion, the real question is: Can you live with the consequences of making the "right" choice?

 

Marriage is a contract.

 

You entered that contract on false pretenses. If it was a business contract, I would be declared null and void. You wouldn't ask for dissolution; you would ask for annulment on the basis of fraud (intentional deception in this case).

 

I am fairly certain that: knowing what you know now, you wouldn't have married her. The whole "she thought you weren't together anymore", we all know this is bulls.h.i.t. There is no point in arguing on that.

 

The real issue that I see is: She deceived you and robbed you of at least 23 years of your life that you will never get back.

Can you cope with that? If not, you will probably stay with her and allow her to treat you like crap for a few more years until you die.

 

Maybe that is what you should do and convince yourself that you had no other choice.

 

That was harsh? I know.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Buddy, sorry to see you in an unpleasant situation like this. My advice to you would be to first define your situation in clear terms before you ask for advice or look for answers. The questions you have to ask are a) Did you give her reason to believe that you teo wete in a committed relstionship all thpse yeats ago? b) Did she give you reason to believe tjat you two wete in a committed relationship at that time? c) When she moved away, assuming she had given you reason to believe you two were in a committed relationship, did she then tell you that your relationship was over and that she would be pursuing fresh relationships in her new location? d) Do you think that at the time she continued to pull wool over your eyes, making you think that you two were still in a committed relationship while she pursued fresh relationships behaving as a singleton? e) Did you continue to pursue a committed relationship from your end during the time she was living in another city and do you think she was clear about your feelings for her and your position regarding your relationship with her? f) Do you think that for whatever reason she changed her mind about you, she then reverted to you as the fall back guy who could be depended on rather like having kept you on the back burner while she sowed her wild oats and finally, when she was done doing that, resuming the relationship from where she had left off, giving you the impression that all was well in relationship heaven while you remained an unsuspecting and trusting fool in love with a fantasy woman?

I guess the answers to all these questions will help you crystallize your position in this matter vis a vis your wife. Coupled with the lies that she has told you over the years it seems to me that you have been living a lie for all these years. It is probable that it may be worth salvaging whatever is left of your marriage considering it's duration, but that can only begin to happen if you get full disclosure from your wife along with true remorse from her. Anything less will be a slap on your face and not worth the pain that you have suffered and will suffer in the future if you continue with your marriage in it's present state. Hope this helps. Warm wishes.

[WasOtherWoman]

Um... with all due respect, I do not think we can refer to the OP's wife as a WW. Unless I missed something, they were not married nor engaged when this happened.

 

OP, I do think you need to get over it. Honestly I could care LESS what my husband, who has been a kind, considerate wonderful man to me for nearly 20 years now, did before we got married.

 

As others have pointed out, this really cannot be the crux of your issue? Because if in fact you have been lucky enough to enjoy the sort of marriage that I have enjoyed over the years, you honestly would place very little, if any at all, attention on what happened before you were married.

 

Just something to think about...

[Buddy15]

Thanks everyone for your feedback - lots of divergent views but they are all much appreciated. I guess the big thing for me was that we agreed to be exclusive and committed, despite the long distance. I never thought she'd be the kind of person who would cheat, but since I wrote my note, my wife has been quite open with me about what happened and I now know all of the details. She apologized for being defensive with me recently and explained that she just wanted all of this to be over, but she recognized that it was still fresh to me.

 

It actually feels relieving to know the truth and she has, in fact, admitted that she cheated on me and that she lied to me all these years. Her reasoning was that she realized that she made a mistake and tried to salvage our relationship. In hindsight, she realizes that her attempt not to hurt me backfired. I know that she is genuinely sorry for the impact that this has had on me.

 

At this point, I feel that I can move on without any further secrets and without the need to revisit this issue, so this has been a healing process. I think I knew the truth all this time and that's why this issue has come up in our relationship from time to time. I value the feedback that you have all given me because it has helped me to process these recent events and I really needed that. I can deal with what happened because I know that we were young, I just wish that she trusted me enough to tell me the truth.

 

Granted, as some have suggested, I may have been her back up plan or the safe, reliable guy this whole time. I am not naive and this will remain with me in the back of my head for the rest of my life. However, moving on without her at this point is not really the option as we have a long history and a child together. Indeed, despite what has happened, I still love her immensely and find her to be incredibly beautiful and fun to be with. It just hurts so much to think that she moved on so fast or cheated and kept it from me all this time. It may seem like ancient history to some here, but to me it seems to have happened yesterday. I just wish that either she keep this all quiet and never told me, or that she told me everything right away.

 

Thanks again to all for your feedback, I have weighed each post heavily and I sincerely appreciate your help with this difficult issue.

[SummerDreams]

From what I understand the story is the following: young couple is dating, the girl goes to another town so this relationship becomes an LDR and when she gets there she is unsure whether her relationship is serious or even it still exists so she starts to socialize with other guys and dates them. When the guy goes to visit her on a trip she realizes the guy is serious about her so she confesses the fact she had an ONS (?) with another guy and hides the painful details, that she really liked him rather than just being flattered by his flirting. At that point does she stop seeing other guys? I'm unsure about that. Anyway the relationship progresses and they get married and have a good life together. Now, after 23 years, she confesses the whole truth to her H thinking that they will have a laugh about it and forget about it but the OP takes it really hard and he starts doubting his whole life with that woman. My point of view is that the girl had some excuses for what she did that she didn't consider as serious at the time being (lying to her LDR about what she was doing in another town alone). This would have remained a childish mistake until she chose to reveal the truth while she should have known her H better and know that he'd be hurt and betrayed. I suggest you let it go because the wife you had for 23 years is the person who had another R while you were dating but you still chose to marry her and have a family together. This means this action does not define her rather than shows she was young and stupid.

[Bufo]

As the sports announcers say: great recovery.

[Buckeye2]

She explained that she gave up on our relationship immediately after she moved away, even though she never told me this at the time.

 

She also admitted that she was open to casual relationships with other men from her school during this time because she thought that we were done, even though she never said this to me.

 

She also stated that she began to consider a long term relationship with me after I continued to travel to see her and she realized that I was truly committed to her.

 

Just to get the story straight. So basically she was dating a bunch of guys including you while she was a student. At the time she only mentioned one party and one of the guys, the guy that used drugs. She overtly lied about the drug guy and lied about the others by omission.

 

You had a fight about her just attending a party with the drug guy and she recommitted to you.

 

 

She let you continue to travel to see her and didn't tell you that you were free to date other girls that lived close to you.

 

I was also attracted to her because I thought she was incredibly wholesome and committed to our relationship.

 

She let you continue to think this and you got married. Is that about right?

Edited June 3, 2016 by Buckeye2

[road]

Um... with all due respect, I do not think we can refer to the OP's wife as a WW. Unless I missed something, they were not married nor engaged when this happened.

 

OP, I do think you need to get over it. Honestly I could care LESS what my husband, who has been a kind, considerate wonderful man to me for nearly 20 years now, did before we got married.

 

As others have pointed out, this really cannot be the crux of your issue? Because if in fact you have been lucky enough to enjoy the sort of marriage that I have enjoyed over the years, you honestly would place very little, if any at all, attention on what happened before you were married.

 

Just something to think about...

 

You use respect to obscure that his wife cheated on him before they got married.

 

 

You use grammatical technicalities that they were not married so she is not a WW.

 

 

Whether married or not.

 

 

Whether to be called a WW or WGF.

 

 

Does not lessen or justify what this woman did to this man. For the pain this man is going through is the same no matter what their relationship was called.

 

 

They were in an exclusive relationship and she cheated.

 

 

Being respect is an important word why are you not calling out the WW/WGF for her total lack of respect for her BH when she repeatedly cheated on her BH and continued with the disrespect by lying to her husband about the OM and affairs for all these years.

Edited June 4, 2016 by road

[Tahirthegreat]

There should be no cheating in a relationship, i dont care how long ago it was. You married a woman that doesnt respect you, so kick her to the curb. Let her go back to her drug addicted lover.

[HereNorThere]

I think there's a good chance she's only telling you this to relieve guilt of from something currently going on. Until she passes a polygraph to your liking, I wouldn't believe a word she says.