Just discovered an old affair

[road]

OP, just one question... she lied to you and kept lying to you year after year, what makes you so certain that she is telling you all the truth now? Is it me the only one that doesn't believe the extend of her sexual interaction with the guys she dated? She is trying to do some damage control but my bet is that she was sexual (fully sexual) with more than one of those guys... I am just adding this because I think that for OP it may make the difference when taking a decision.

 

 

The final damage of trickle truthing.

 

 

How do you believe "I have now told you everything" after all those years of lies?

[Buddy15]

In response to several of the posters, I just wanted to clarify that I am aware of the fact that there may be, indeed, more to story than what I have been told. However, in some respects, if more happened than I have been told, then I can come to terms with that because I know that my wife has been committed to me during our marriage and I can forgive her for what happened. I know, for a fact, that she hasn't cheated on me during our marriage. It just feels reassuring to know that my suspicions were correct all these years about her dating others while we were still in a committed LDR. In my head, I think that my wife held things back to protect herself and to avoid hurting me, not because she is trying to hide other things more recently.

 

To address the question as to why we have argued about this issue after 23 years, I can add that this came as a result of the discovery of my wife's old diary some time ago while we were house cleaning. I was the one who came across it. I gave it to her and told her that I hadn't read it. She replied that there were no secrets and that I could look at it anytime. So I did. Prior to our dating relationship, she wrote about friendships and other guys she dated -- all pretty routine stuff. However, when she wrote about the first time that I asked her out, she wrote, "he asked me out and I said yes. Overall, he is ok, but ...." It continued on the next page, but the page was ripped out. Clearly, this wasn't a favorable thing to read, so I confronted her about it because she seemed ambivalent about dating me. She was obviously unaware of the fact that this comment was still in the diary and the look on her face confirmed an "oh crap" moment. Jump ahead to her move to another city and the fact that she was dating other guys while we were in a committed LDR, and it began to torment me. Hence, our occasional arguments about these issues. I only found out about all of these things more recently and they were prompted by her diary entry. She admitted that she wrote, "he is ok, but I am not sure if I am attracted to him." She can't or won't provide anymore than that. However, she noted that, with the passage of time, she realized that she loved me a great deal and was strongly attracted to me. Only thing is that I keep questioning if she settled somehow for a stable guy, or did she really want to be with me. It makes a difference to me.

 

These issues only came out in the open relatively recently, and I felt that they caused me to question her attachment to me, as well as lower my self-esteem. If she wasn't sure about me and dated others while we were in a committed relationship, then I had a right to know these things because I would not have continued forward if I knew that she was reticent about us. We never agreed to see other people nor did she ever say she wanted to end things. However, I didn't learn about these things until recently and that is why they have been tormenting me now. Had I known all of this at the time, I would have ended things many years ago before we were married.

 

However, the conflict for me centers around the fact that our relationship has been a good one during our marriage. We have a teenager now and we enjoy a good life together, including a healthy sex life, despite our 23 years together. I know, without a doubt, that my wife loves me a great deal and I don't want to throw away our history together. However, the recent discovery of her diary entry, along with the discovery that she initially gave up on our relationship and dated other guys after she moved, but led me to believe that we were still in a committed relationship, has really done a number of me. Do I want to end things? No. However, is my confidence shaken? Yes. As I noted before, I have always been head over heels for this girl, but I feel like she was really ambivalent about me so she began to explore her options while I was oblivious to it all. I feel like I need more time to process all of this information. I just wish that I never found out about any of this.

[road]

Normal to feel the way that you do.

Edited July 20, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact full quote of immediately preceding post

[Jersey born raised]

Does your wife acknowledge your thoughts and feelings or is it "hey it was 23 years go get over it". Seriously, has she expressed any understanding to what you are going though?

 

Does she question your love for her?

 

At this point you, just you, needs to see a good MC. Don't rub her nose it, don't hide it if asked, just do it discreetly.

[usa1ah]

To be honest with you, you really don't know if your wife has been faithful during your marriage. She has already proven she can lie to your face about things like this. But it is just to keep from hurting you.

[road]

To be honest with you, you really don't know if your wife has been faithful during your marriage. She has already proven she can lie to your face about things like this. But it is just to keep from hurting you.

 

 

It is called the gut. Countless threads have been started were the BS says my wife is acting out of character.

 

 

We point out all the red flags and say, no scream your WS is having an affair.

 

 

Their response is no way. We tell them that the gut is never wrong. Then we instruct them how to gather proof.

 

 

Bam they come back with a D day.

 

 

The OP has not had a gut feeling about his WW cheating after the wedding. Then there have been many a thread where a WGF/WW cheated before the marriage but not after. So these two things make me think that the WW has not cheated after the marriage.

[Lanah102]

Let me tell you what "Get over it" means from a woman. I have no interest in you and i really don't care what you think or feel. So should you, at your age feel the need to have some fun with a few escorts and your wife discovers something kindly tell her to "Get over it" and simply move on

[Cablebandit]

Let me tell you what "Get over it" means from a woman. I have no interest in you and i really don't care what you think or feel. So should you, at your age feel the need to have some fun with a few escorts and your wife discovers something kindly tell her to "Get over it" and simply move on

 

That's what "get over it" means from you. Let's not paint all women with the same brush.

[Cephalopod]

I'm glad you have chosen to keep your marriage. Your wife was a 20 something idiot female, like most young beautiful vacuuous women are at that age. And yes, you should assume she had full blown sex with these guys. If I were her husband I would tell her I don't believe a word she is telling me, and I will assume she had sex with several men while I was working to scrounge money to go visit her and get her scraps from her table. I would let her know she has very little veracity from this point on in the marriage.

 

Then I would start being the man you wanted to be back when the two of you dated. What did you give up for her during that time? Go back and find those things you wanted to do and start doing them. Start bodybuilding, get a tattoo, buy a motorcycle, learn martial arts or boxing, openly flirt with other women. Show her she isn't the only fish in the sea. Buy some books on female sexuality and learn how to be dominant in the bedroom. Be honest about it at all times. Doing these things will repair your damaged ego.

 

I'm not saying cheat on her, but it would be healthy for th marriage to let her know you will be fine without her.

[Buddy15]

OP here. As a follow up, my wife hasn't quite said "get over it," but even though she understands that I have been feeling quite hurt about all of this, her response is that she was just an insecure young woman and that all of this is in the past. However, she acknowledged that she did like the attention that these guys gave her because she felt insecure and becasue it boosted her self-esteem. However, she reaffirms that she loves me a great deal and has never looked back.

 

However, I definitely feel my resentment growing as the weeks progress. I keep looking back at how hard I was working to save money to support our LDR while she was dating multiple guys behind my back. As I had noted, if I knew about these things I would have ended the relationship immediately.

 

I am still working 60+ hrs per week to provide her and my child with a great home and a good lifestyle. However, a quick Facebook/internet check shows that these other guys are still losers. Poor jobs, multiple divorces, kids in jail, no money, crappy homes in the wrong parts of town.

 

I keep wondering why she was attracted to these "bad boys" and I resent her so much for that.

 

I've been reading Neil Strauss' book about the player community and various works about the biological and evolutionary factors that fuel infidelity, and I feel like I've learned that women are drawn to these kind of dysfunctional men out of some sort of bizarre evolutionary system that causes them to see immature, cocky, selfish bastards as some sort of "fun, bad boy" prize. However, hard working, devoted, and loving men like myself are routinely viewed, deep down inside, as being weak or inferior.

 

As Strauss noted, women seem to respect men more when the men devalue them, and I feel like this has also been true with my wife, even though I always thought she was different from this. I never thought she was a naive loser who fell for these kinds of players. Now, I have lost so much respect for her since finding out that she went out with these kinds of guys.

 

I have never cheated on my wife, even when I had opportunities to fool around in college or in the workplace. I wasn't devoted to my wife because I lacked options. I was devoted to her because I loved her. I used to feel proud of this. Now, I feel like it just means that I was the stereotypical "nice guy." Uggggh !

 

I'd love to hear some female opinions on why these bad boy types seem so alluring to you. I just don't get it.

[GorillaTheater]

I'd love to hear some female opinions on why these bad boy types seem so alluring to you. I just don't get it.

 

 

Guy here, but let me ask you this: whether or not women are attracted to bad boys, how is that relevant to your marriage and relationship with your wife NOW?

[Buddy15]

I guess because I feel like I am still living with the ghosts of these guys in my relationship now. I look at my wife and I never saw her being attracted to these kinds of guys, even way back then. She always seem like a good girl with her head screwed on straight. But, she wasn't. She cheated and she lied. And, she cheated with losers and bad boys and I don't get it. She can't explain why she chose these kinds of guys - even now. I am trying to make sense of it and it haunts the crap out of me.

[standtall]

The old adage about treating a whore like a princess and a princess like a whore might explain this one. Those guys treated your princess...you get it.

 

Try being a bad boy..buy a bike, get arrested once a decade...(no felonies)....get drunk and don't come home for while. Try anything other than being a nice guy.

[GorillaTheater]

I don't know about you, Buddy, but I was a dumbass 25 years or more ago, and trying to make sense of some of the dumbass stuff I did would be pretty futile.

 

 

How does your wife treat you now? How do you treat her? That's what's deserving of your time and attention, IMO.

[Poutrew]

OP here. As a follow up, my wife hasn't quite said "get over it," but even though she understands that I have been feeling quite hurt about all of this, her response is that she was just an insecure young woman and that all of this is in the past. However, she acknowledged that she did like the attention that these guys gave her because she felt insecure and becasue it boosted her self-esteem. However, she reaffirms that she loves me a great deal and has never looked back.

 

However, I definitely feel my resentment growing as the weeks progress. I keep looking back at how hard I was working to save money to support our LDR while she was dating multiple guys behind my back. As I had noted, if I knew about these things I would have ended the relationship immediately.

 

I am still working 60+ hrs per week to provide her and my child with a great home and a good lifestyle. However, a quick Facebook/internet check shows that these other guys are still losers. Poor jobs, multiple divorces, kids in jail, no money, crappy homes in the wrong parts of town.

 

I keep wondering why she was attracted to these "bad boys" and I resent her so much for that.

 

I've been reading Neil Strauss' book about the player community and various works about the biological and evolutionary factors that fuel infidelity, and I feel like I've learned that women are drawn to these kind of dysfunctional men out of some sort of bizarre evolutionary system that causes them to see immature, cocky, selfish bastards as some sort of "fun, bad boy" prize. However, hard working, devoted, and loving men like myself are routinely viewed, deep down inside, as being weak or inferior.

 

As Strauss noted, women seem to respect men more when the men devalue them, and I feel like this has also been true with my wife, even though I always thought she was different from this. I never thought she was a naive loser who fell for these kinds of players. Now, I have lost so much respect for her since finding out that she went out with these kinds of guys.

 

I have never cheated on my wife, even when I had opportunities to fool around in college or in the workplace. I wasn't devoted to my wife because I lacked options. I was devoted to her because I loved her. I used to feel proud of this. Now, I feel like it just means that I was the stereotypical "nice guy." Uggggh !

 

I'd love to hear some female opinions on why these bad boy types seem so alluring to you. I just don't get it.

 

Have you told your wife any of this? If not, you need to. She needs to understand that what happened 2 decades ago is not just dead history. Unfortunately, you have said it your self, the resentment is going to keep on growing and eventually your wife is going to be facing a sh*tstorm.

 

See, I don't think your problem is that she was messing around on you back then. No, it is more fundamental than that. A relationship, in order to survive, must be balanced. It must be amongst equals. This reflects life itself, which in this universe is ruled by the equals sign. Your wife has revealed that she is not your equal. She, in effect, is a fallen woman. This is what is throwing the balance of your life off. It doesn't matter that for the last 2 decades she has been acting like your equal. You now know she isn't. So what to do? Is there any way for a sinner to become a saint? Or is it easier for a saint to become a sinner? To equalize things, the eventual conclusion you may come to is it is going to be easier for you , the saint, to lower yourself to where your wife has been living for the past 23 years by becoming a sinner. This is the main reason why people who have been cheated on have revenge affairs. They may think it is to hurt their unfaithful spouse, by showing them that 'two can play that game'. But inside, it is their way of trying to save their relationship. They try to save what they had by lowering themselves to where their partner is, thus restoring equality albeit at a lower level.

You need to discuss this stuff right now openly, with your wife, or, like I said, it will get steadily worse until the turmoil blows your relationship apart. It will be infinitely preferable if the two of you can find the balance together, openly, before your body takes it upon itself to find the balance by having sex with a 22 year old bad girl from the local gym...

[Cephalopod]

I guess because I feel like I am still living with the ghosts of these guys in my relationship now. I look at my wife and I never saw her being attracted to these kinds of guys, even way back then. She always seem like a good girl with her head screwed on straight. But, she wasn't. She cheated and she lied. And, she cheated with losers and bad boys and I don't get it. She can't explain why she chose these kinds of guys - even now. I am trying to make sense of it and it haunts the crap out of me.

 

Buddy have you read "No More Mister Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert Glover? That is a great read. Go to Amazon and download it if you have not. It is a fairly short read that you can cover in just a few hours, but it will change your life if you apply the principles. Another good read is "Married Man's Sex Life Primer" by Athol Kay. It is not really about sex, but about how women's minds work and how to relate to them and communicate with them more effectively.

 

You need to take your focus off your wife for a while and put the focus on yourself for a change, by becoming the man you always wanted to be. Your wife cannot go back and change what she did, but you can change how you react to her from this point onward. Tell her that as far as you are concerned, these affairs might as well have happened last week. Tell her that twenty years of her lies and hiding the truth are going to be hard for you to get past. If she cannot scrounge up any empathy for you, then brother you have a much bigger problem than her lying and cheating.

Edited July 20, 2016 by Cephalopod

[The_Onceler]

I guess because I feel like I am still living with the ghosts of these guys in my relationship now. I look at my wife and I never saw her being attracted to these kinds of guys, even way back then. She always seem like a good girl with her head screwed on straight. But, she wasn't. She cheated and she lied. And, she cheated with losers and bad boys and I don't get it. She can't explain why she chose these kinds of guys - even now. I am trying to make sense of it and it haunts the crap out of me.

 

I so totally get this. I struggled with this sort of thing for a long time. Whether or not she was technically cheating, she was behaving in ways that you were ignorant of, ways that you would not have accepted at the time. And even though the events were in the past, for you (and me!), they seem very much in the now, because the information is new to you, and you are only now able to process the information.

[Buddy15]

Buddy have you read "No More Mister Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert Glover? That is a great read. Go to Amazon and download it if you have not. It is a fairly short read that you can cover in just a few hours, but it will change your life if you apply the principles. Another good read is "Married Man's Sex Life Primer" by Athol Kay. It is not really about sex, but about how women's minds work and how to relate to them and communicate with them more effectively.

 

You need to take your focus off your wife for a while and put the focus on yourself for a change, by becoming the man you always wanted to be. Your wife cannot go back and change what she did, but you can change how you react to her from this point onward. Tell her that as far as you are concerned, these affairs might as well have happened last week. Tell her that twenty years of her lies and hiding the truth are going to be hard for you to get past. If she cannot scrounge up any empathy for you, then brother you have a much bigger problem than her lying and cheating.

 

Thanks very much, Cephalopod, for the book recommendations. Athol Kay's book, in particular, is awesome! I will definitely use what I've earned to help move forward in a good way. Kay also helps me to understand what has happened, and what is needed in the future. You are a great contributor to this forum and I appreciate what you've done.

 

Also, to The_Onceler, thanks for sharing your message about your experience - at times I've been feeling very much alone, so your words have meant a great deal to me during a difficult period.

[Cephalopod]

Thanks very much, Cephalopod, for the book recommendations. Athol Kay's book, in particular, is awesome! I will definitely use what I've earned to help move forward in a good way. Kay also helps me to understand what has happened, and what is needed in the future. You are a great contributor to this forum and I appreciate what you've done.

 

Also, to The_Onceler, thanks for sharing your message about your experience - at times I've been feeling very much alone, so your words have meant a great deal to me during a difficult period.

 

If you like Athol Kay's book you will really like NMMNG. The second one isn't just about your relations with women, but how you interact with everyone...family, employers, friends...it helped me tremendously in all parts of my life.

[Cephalopod]

Buddy I think this is what happened:

 

I think your wife had you in her sights as a prime candidate for marriage right from the get go. You were fairly dependable, you were headed in a good direction, you were probably acceptably good looking enough for her to not be repelled by the sight of you... you doted on her, treated her nicely, and spent lots of money traveling to see her. You were the nice, dependable marriageable type... a boring good guy who she knew she could count on as a provider and father for her kids.

 

But before she committed to you, and before things got to deep, she took the opportunity of your temporary separation to let her freak flag fly a bit and sleep around with some bad boys...guys who took what they wanted, were exciting and dangerous, and who she knew didn't give a flip about her. But then again, she didn't give a crap about them either, so she was a free to do whatever she wanted with them without consequence, and without fear of them considering her a slut. She wanted to be a bad girl before she had to settle down to being little Miss Wholesome with you.

 

She valued your opinion of her because you were the man she was trying to hook. She didn't want you to think of her as a promiscuous trollop. So she hid this from you all these years, hoping it would never come to light and reveal the fraud she really is. Her telling you that she though the two of you were broken up is pure horseshyt and an attempt to rewrite your relationship history. You need to come down on her hard for that. Don't let her gaslight you.

 

A lot of women do this Buddy...a lot. And it really sucks for the poor guy who finds out that his woman married him because he was Mr. Dependable. It destroys the ego, it destroys your sense of masculinity and makes you question everything about the relationship. But most of these women don't care, as long as the end result is they land the bankroll. Your wife is not going to win many fans with this performance.

[Buddy15]

Buddy I think this is what happened:

 

I think your wife had you in her sights as a prime candidate for marriage right from the get go. You were fairly dependable, you were headed in a good direction, you were probably acceptably good looking enough for her to not be repelled by the sight of you... you doted on her, treated her nicely, and spent lots of money traveling to see her. You were the nice, dependable marriageable type... a boring good guy who she knew she could count on as a provider and father for her kids.

 

But before she committed to you, and before things got to deep, she took the opportunity of your temporary separation to let her freak flag fly a bit and sleep around with some bad boys...guys who took what they wanted, were exciting and dangerous, and who she knew didn't give a flip about her. But then again, she didn't give a crap about them either, so she was a free to do whatever she wanted with them without consequence, and without fear of them considering her a slut. She wanted to be a bad girl before she had to settle down to being little Miss Wholesome with you.

 

She valued your opinion of her because you were the man she was trying to hook. She didn't want you to think of her as a promiscuous trollop. So she hid this from you all these years, hoping it would never come to light and reveal the fraud she really is. Her telling you that she though the two of you were broken up is pure horseshyt and an attempt to rewrite your relationship history. You need to come down on her hard for that. Don't let her gaslight you.

 

A lot of women do this Buddy...a lot. And it really sucks for the poor guy who finds out that his woman married him because he was Mr. Dependable. It destroys the ego, it destroys your sense of masculinity and makes you question everything about the relationship. But most of these women don't care, as long as the end result is they land the bankroll. Your wife is not going to win many fans with this performance.

 

Cephalopod, I think you have boiled down everything that has transpired into one succinct summary. My gut tells me that you are bang on. As a result, I spoke with my wife about this last night because her suggestion that she went out with these guys only because she thought that we were doomed at the time seemed like horeshyt to me. I explained the gaslighting process and told her that I didn't believe the horeshyt she was flinging because she never told me that she wanted to end our relationship after she had moved, and she let me work my butt off doing part-time jobs during all of my free time so that I could save money to visit her. I also said that she conveniently avoided mentioning any of these guys even though we spoke and corresponded regularly. I then summarized what you wrote above -- making it seem like my own thoughts -- and told her that this was my honest perception of events. I indicated that I felt that she wanted to hide dating these guys because she wanted me to remain a viable option while she went out and sowed her wild oats with these "bad boys."

 

After a few minutes of silence, she reluctantly acknowledged that I "probably had the story right." Obviously, she denied that she perceived that I "was acceptably good looking enough" for her, but she did note that she knew that I was solid, honest, and would never hurt her. These are all of the beta qualities that Athol Kay wrote about in his book ---- ARRRRGGGGHHH! She also indicated that she was "young and stupid" and that she made a mistake. She knew that none of these guys were good long-term relationship material, but she did soak up the attention that they gave her because it made her feel good and boosted her self-esteem. She also said that she loved me, felt attracted to me, and wanted to be with me. She tried her best to assuage my hurt feelings. However, I think that she unwittingly confirmed for me that everything that you wrote above was true. She also said that she hid these things for years because she was worried that I would never forgive her. She also expressed concern that I will now try to sow my wild oats now, too.

 

 

In some ways, I feel a bit relieved that I am getting closer and closer to knowing the truth about what happened in our past because all of this has been so traumatic for me. However, it would have been nicer if none of this happened or if I just lived in blissful ignorance of it all. However, I feel like the kid who learned there was no Santa Claus. As I noted previously, I've always been head over heels for this girl, but I really don't know what to do moving forward. I feel like a chump and that my ego and masculinity have, in fact, been destroyed. I guess I still need a lot more time to process all of this.

 

Thanks for your insights. I really value them. I will keep processing Athol Kay's book and the NMMNG book, too.

[66Charger]

 

In some ways, I feel a bit relieved that I am getting closer and closer to knowing the truth about what happened in our past because all of this has been so traumatic for me. However, it would have been nicer if none of this happened or if I just lived in blissful ignorance of it all. However, I feel like the kid who learned there was no Santa Claus. As I noted previously, I've always been head over heels for this girl, but I really don't know what to do moving forward. I feel like a chump and that my ego and masculinity have, in fact, been destroyed. I guess I still need a lot more time to process all of this.

 

Thanks for your insights. I really value them. I will keep processing Athol Kay's book and the NMMNG book, too.

 

Why would you let anyone make you feel like a chump or damage your ego and masculinity? Do you not know who you are? I have had dirt thrown on me before, but no woman can make me look in the mirror and think I am something I am not.

 

If you have maintained your honor thruout this relationship and done the best you could, then nothing anyone can say should be able to tarnish your self image. Look in the mirror again. There is always someone better looking than you and lets be honest, your wife. Bad boy or not, who got lucky? Stand taller. Be proud of who you are and recognize that what was then, is not now. 20 years later, Bad boys become Zeros and the "good guys" becomes "the catch". Fact.

 

Start running. Get in shape. Forgive your wifes past indiscretions and never let anyone make you feel less than.

Edited July 26, 2016 by 66Charger

[fenix]

She also expressed concern that I will now try to sow my wild oats now, too.

 

Man... I know that many people will jump on me for this but if you ever want to have an even feeling in this relationship that is exactly what you need to do.. go and sow your wild oats too.

 

Many people will tell you that if you do that you won't be any better than her... but, why would you want to be any better than her?

 

Hell... you have been the good guys working extra hours to be able to visit her when she was having her fun around with the bad guys in town... REALLY??

Edited July 26, 2016 by fenix

[Just a Guy]

Hi Buddy, so your worst fears seem to be coming true. I think you are caught up in a situation where you are somewhere between a rock and a hard place. Cephalopod has analysed your situation rather accurately. The problem is that there are no obvious solutions to your dilemma. If anything it seems that you are faced with a true dilemma.

You cannot wrestle with a problem such as this if you continue to spend time in the presence of your wife. I would suggest that you try a temporary separation so that you can ponder your situation and come up with answers which will resolve your problem. Of course you will need professional help to be able to achieve this. I suggest you contact a counsellor who has hands on experience with relationship problems. Some one who comes highly recommended. Such a professional will be able to analyse the root of the problem that is worrying you and will be able to come up with solutions which could work for you.

This is just a thought and you would have to see what meets your requirement. However, my own impression is that you are living on borrowed time and you need to do something in a hurry to resolve matters with your wife otherwise things will spiral out of control and may not end happily for either of you. Best wishes for whatever you choose to do.

Edited July 26, 2016 by Just a Guy

[Cephalopod]

She also expressed concern that I will now try to sow my wild oats now, too.

 

Nothing wrong with letting her think this...not at all. In fact I would say that you need to become the kind of man who will attract other women and stoke your wife's competitive fires.

 

Your wife has proven that she is the type of person who needs validation from many sources. Your problem is that you have been too safe and too comfortable for her for too long. It is time to get a bit dangerous; by that I mean you need to start reinventing yourself into the kind of guy you have always wanted to be.

 

Shaking her up and shaking yourself up can be a positive thing for your marriage.

 

NMMMNG and MMSLP will both give you good advice on how to up your sex rank with your wife.

 

In some ways, I feel a bit relieved that I am getting closer and closer to knowing the truth about what happened in our past because all of this has been so traumatic for me. However, it would have been nicer if none of this happened or if I just lived in blissful ignorance of it all. However, I feel like the kid who learned there was no Santa Claus. As I noted previously, I've always been head over heels for this girl, but I really don't know what to do moving forward. I feel like a chump and that my ego and masculinity have, in fact, been destroyed. I guess I still need a lot more time to process all of this.

 

Thanks for your insights. I really value them. I will keep processing Athol Kay's book and the NMMNG book, too.

 

Remember that even though your wife (then girlfriend) stepped out on you, it was not because you were lacking in any way. She was young, stupid and wanted to experience some variety before she settled down with you. It doesn't exonerate her, but you need to not dwell on any notion that these other guys were any better than you, or better lovers. They were just different.

 

So far in your marriage you seem to have satisfied her sexual needs so far. But have you asked her if she is happy in your sex life? Does she feel there is any room for improvement.

 

The way I see it is you can either dust yourself off and look for ways to make yourself happy with the man you are, and by fiat become a more mysterious and "dangerous" man for your wife to regain interest in, or you can wallow and make yourself crazy thinking you were somehow lacking...which you were not.

 

Or you can treat what she did as a betrayal and act however you feel accordingly.