Jealousy is ruining relationship

[mmkyle]

I should start off by saying that I am an insanely jealous woman. I have been cheated on in past relationships only once that I know of and that was over 10 years ago but for some reason it has really stuck with me. I have been dating my current boyfriend on and off for a year and a half and we are now living together. He had a very volatile relationship with his ex girlfriend who he was very much in love with and who I think he had more in common with than me. She is in the military and lives in another state but was visiting his home town and asked to see him. They have not seen each other in many years and even so I was very uncomfortable with this. I am still working on trusting him so I asked that he please wait to see her until the next time she comes to town and by then I will most likely be more comfortable with the idea. He said he wouldn't and the next day he revealed that they had coffee. It goes without saying that I absolutely flipped. Not only did he go against my wishes but he lied about it as well. He says he was afraid to tell me because he knew I would react badly and in my eyes, it feels like seeing her was more important to him than my feelings. After a few days we managed to painstakingly work through it for the most part, though there were some very ugly moments. A few days later he says he's going to meet "a friend" after work. After he leaves I realize this is suspicious because I know all of his friends so why wouldn't he specifically tell me who it was? I texted him while he was at work to ask him and he says he's meeting his female friend who he had relations with several years ago. I have met her in the past and she is very beautiful and very flirty so I have never been a fan and he knows that. I asked him not to do it since the last week had been absolute hell for me and he did it anyway. My thoughts are that he is being very unfair by putting me through this AGAIN in the same week. I would reluctantly agree to him seeing her if we'd discussed it first (I'd want to agree to some boundaries such as meeting in a public place, etc). But the fact that he left out the truth for the second time within a few days makes me sick to my stomach. Can someone please tell me if I'm being unreasonable? I feel like we could come to a compromise if he wasn't so selfish.

[JS84]

Personally I think ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriends are off limits in relationships. I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. He needs to knock it off if he really cares about you and leave his past relationships where they belong. In the past.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

It is hard to see you as the irrational jealous girlfriend when in the space of a week he is having "catch ups" with two women he used to sleep with. Is this typical? If so, I'm not surprised you feel this way.

 

You may not have the right to control who he sees, but he should treat your feelings with respect.

 

Personally I would rather be single than be in a relationship that had such a negative impact on my emotions. It isn't healthy and it is difficult to get control of feelings of jealousy once it starts to take over.

 

By the sounds of it, he isn't interested in working on it with you. In fact it almost sounds like he is deliberately trying to provoke you with the second one.

 

I don't know how nasty the fight got or who said what, but if things continue as they are this relationship is going to implode.

 

At some point you both need to have a calm and honest conversation about how you both feel and what you want. If you can't meet each other's needs then perhaps you need to reconsider you future together.

[VeveCakes]

He has no reason to go see these people. He has no reason to do so when he knows it's going to hurt you.

 

He has 0 respect for you and no boundaries.

 

That would be the end of the line for me.

[Dis]

It's not you hun....its him

 

There is no reason why he should be meeting up with woman he's had sex with

 

No reason whatsoever

 

No wonder you're going crazy and feeling insecure....I would be too

 

If my bf did this...I'd drop him in a heartbeat

 

Doesnt seem like he has much regard for your feelings or what a healthy relationship entails

 

Have a talk with him...if he doesnt agree to act like a decent bf and follow through on that...its time to walk

 

If you dont...I think you'd have to worry about him starting to cheat....it sounds like thats what all this "meeting up" is leading to...or maybe he is already...you never know with deceptive guys like this

[ExpatInItaly]

Your boyfriend's behaviour is inappropriate. He is secretly meeting old flames, which would be unacceptable for most people.

 

I would have a problem moving forward with someone who deceived me in this way.

[Raena]

I'm going to chime in and say the same as everyone else who already responded. You are right to be concerned. Maybe there was nothing to each of these meetings he had, but the fact that he completely ignored your feelings about it and did it anyway tells me he doesn't really care what you think about it all. To do it once with an ex who is only in town for a limited time, ok, maybe... but to do it again within a week of the first one obviously upsetting you, with yet another ex, is over the top.

 

Sounds like it's time to throw this fish back in the pond and try again. Next time don't move in with a man you have been on and off with for a year and a half... wait until you are sure of who he is and what his intentions are with you.

[Space Ritual]

I should start off by saying that I am an insanely jealous woman. I have been cheated on in past relationships only once that I know of and that was over 10 years ago but for some reason it has really stuck with me. I have been dating my current boyfriend on and off for a year and a half and we are now living together. He had a very volatile relationship with his ex girlfriend who he was very much in love with and who I think he had more in common with than me. She is in the military and lives in another state but was visiting his home town and asked to see him. They have not seen each other in many years and even so I was very uncomfortable with this. I am still working on trusting him so I asked that he please wait to see her until the next time she comes to town and by then I will most likely be more comfortable with the idea. He said he wouldn't and the next day he revealed that they had coffee. It goes without saying that I absolutely flipped. Not only did he go against my wishes but he lied about it as well. He says he was afraid to tell me because he knew I would react badly and in my eyes, it feels like seeing her was more important to him than my feelings. After a few days we managed to painstakingly work through it for the most part, though there were some very ugly moments. A few days later he says he's going to meet "a friend" after work. After he leaves I realize this is suspicious because I know all of his friends so why wouldn't he specifically tell me who it was? I texted him while he was at work to ask him and he says he's meeting his female friend who he had relations with several years ago. I have met her in the past and she is very beautiful and very flirty so I have never been a fan and he knows that. I asked him not to do it since the last week had been absolute hell for me and he did it anyway. My thoughts are that he is being very unfair by putting me through this AGAIN in the same week. I would reluctantly agree to him seeing her if we'd discussed it first (I'd want to agree to some boundaries such as meeting in a public place, etc). But the fact that he left out the truth for the second time within a few days makes me sick to my stomach. Can someone please tell me if I'm being unreasonable? I feel like we could come to a compromise if he wasn't so selfish.

 

 

You need to get a new boyfriend. This one does not have much respect for you. Life is too short to subject yourself to this treatment. This will only get worse as the summer goes on. Do yourself a favor and dump him tonight.

[Bee2008]

I honestly don't think you're wrong here. He sounds like a jerk to be honest. I know I wouldn't do this if I knew it would hurt my boyfriend. It's basically unnecessary drama that neither of you need. He's not being respectful towards you or your feelings. You need to sit and think about what you really want.

[DevotedBaker54]

I'm sorry your bf is not compromising with you. It's not a good feeling knowing your bf is with an ex. Personally, I am friends with my ex, and I've been on the other end of this situation where his gf was jealous of me and told him to not to speak to me. Me and my ex were friends before we dated, and found out after dating for a few months that we were better just friends so we've been friends since our break up. Maybe this is the situation with your bf?

Not saying that you are being unreasonable but maybe view this situation from the other side? Maybe you can ask to hang out with your bf with his ex together so you two can get to know each other? Or work towards another compromise

[smackie9]

There is no point being with someone that causes you so much grief and anxiety. Stop dating guys who are like this.....seriously. His behavior is disrespectful. This is grounds for a breakup.