Straight man living with a woman, posts his profile on a gay site online.... why?

[kimmi46]

Well, I think my situation is different than most peoples, but I am interested in hearing feedback from anyone who wishes to give their opinion, guys, girls, straight, or gay.

 

I am a 46 year old straight female, divorced once. Kids are 19 and 24 and moved out. I met a man 10-4-2003, and we seem to hit it off very well. Ten months later he moved in with me. We have talked about marriage but right now I am leaning towards NOT marrying him and I will explain why.

 

Nine months after he moved in, he forgot to close a browser window on the computer properly and I found out that he had posted a profile of himself on a gay website, along with several photos. I was absolutely humiliated and it just floored me, because I had no clue he had gay tendecies... I originally asked him to look for another place for himself to move to... but then the shock wore off, and a month has passed and it really works out financially better if we share my apartment. He has chosen not to go to counselling, but I still go on my own accord. He says he is not gay, that he loves me and wants to work things out. I am not completely sure that I can trust him, after this ordeal. He says he never met with any men, and I somewhat believe him, but what if he is just in denial and one day chooses to come out of the closet. What am I to think about what he did, posting a profile online on a gay website? Needless to say I deleted it... Wonder if he would have?

[soccorsilly]

I would not freak out on this just yet. This could just be a case of being curious. A questions--was it a free site or did he have to pay to post a profile?

 

I would think that after two years of living together, if he were gay, you would have figured it out a lot sooner than now.

 

I would believe him till he gives you reason to not.

[kimmi46]

Originally posted by soccorsilly

I would not freak out on this just yet. This could just be a case of being curious. A questions--was it a free site or did he have to pay to post a profile?

 

I would think that after two years of living together, if he were gay, you would have figured it out a lot sooner than now.

 

I would believe him till he gives you reason to not.

[smile95]

I am sorry, I do not agree with the above....if a guy is not gay, why is he posting on a gay site? That thought would not even cross my mind unless I was gay or thinking I may be.

 

I know several stories of guys leaving their wife and kids who pretended to be straight for 20+ yrs, so 2 yrs is not a guarantee that he is straight. Just keep your eyes open. Ask himto be honest with you. If you believe him and can tell he is being honest, maybe he was just goofing around on the site and it meant nothing. You know him best, but all those wives who were shocked about their husbands prob thought they knew them too. Be careful. Do what you feel is best.

[Sal Paradise]

90% chance he is gay. 10% chance he was just curious.

 

EDIT: If he's not gay the only legit reason I can think for him posting pictures of himself is because he is insecure about his looks and figured a good way to find out how he looks is to see how many responses he got. Perhaps he thought gay men would be more honest than straight women. Still sounds fishy to me though. I'd lean toward him being in the closet.

[Tony]

I am 100 percent heterosexual and there is absolutely no chance at all I would post my picture on a gay website...not even on a dare. I think this behavior raises many questions. Wasn't it a whole lot better when there was no Internet?

[Sal Paradise]

Originally posted by Tony

I am 100 percent heterosexual and there is absolutely no chance at all I would post my picture on a gay website...not even on a dare. I think this behavior raises many questions. Wasn't it a whole lot better when there was no Internet?

 

Not really. He would still be gay and in the closet. He would just have to go to a gay bar in secret to meet people. The internet isn't the problem, society is. If society wasn't as homophobic you'd have a lot less of this crap.

[shygurl]

Originally posted by soccorsilly

I would not freak out on this just yet. This could just be a case of being curious. A questions--was it a free site or did he have to pay to post a profile?

 

I would think that after two years of living together, if he were gay, you would have figured it out a lot sooner than now.

 

I would believe him till he gives you reason to not.

 

Being "just curious" would be a guy perhaps browsing such a site. He did much more than that - he not only created a profile but he posted multiple pictures of himself. Tell me how many straight men you know who'd do such a thing?, who'd go to such lengths - as to invitiing interest and responses from gay men?

 

Just because they've been living together for 2 years doesn't really matter at all. There's many gay men out there who've been married for many years, who've even had children with their wife - who eventually go on to "come out of the closet" - who very often lead a secret life of having encounters with men. Often they'll try to deny their attraction and orientation by marrying and trying to "make themself straight" - to protect them from scrutiny of their family, their employer, their standing in the community, etc.

 

He's already given her plenty of reason - what more does she need, to catch HIV or catch him in bed with a guy?

 

I am curious that he would have been so careless to not have hidden his tracks better....maybe he was looking to get caught?

 

The original poster never did explain to us the explanation her guy provided when she busted him for this personal ad/pics on the gay singles site - I can't even imagine how he would have talked himself out of that one.

 

I have a hard time understanding why a women who's not married to a guy in this situation (where the commitment is higher and the prospect of an ugly divorce might be a factor) - would even have any respect for the guy. Financial reasons isn't a "good enough reason" to remain in a relationship with someone you don't trust. By the way, what kind of 46 yr old man has to move into an apartment with his girlfriend? Didn't he have his own home?

 

Are you taking such risks with your health and life that you're having sex with him?

 

If he's not gay, I'd suspect then that he's bisexual or at least, bicurious. What if you'd not found this? What would he be doing? Would he be out there meeting up with these men? How do you know he's not doing it now but just being more careful to cover his tracks?

 

I don't know why you'd remain in such a situation.

[kimmi46]

I want to thank all who have replied to my original thread, as it has given me food for thought.... First off, it was a FREE website, maybe curious and feeling a bit inferior to other men. He is very thin build, not really muscular, what have you. I agree with the thinking of "What straight man would post a profile, and photos on a gay site?" And I still have a difficult time understanding why he did such. His response, when I caught him, was "I guess I was hoping to get caught, or I would have closed the browser better, AND used a password that wasn't my obvious regular password." At any rate, we have both been down the road of divorce and bankruptcy before, and is why we are back to renting an apartment in our 40's. It would be nice to be a lot further ahead in life. Have I slept with him since this ordeal? I have to admit that I have. His sex drive is low, like once a week, not on a work day (too tired on his part), and I don't even know where I expect this to go from here. I do believe a lot of gay men marry women to look good in the eyes of their parents, siblings, etc... and then either leave later, or secretly have gay affairs later to satisfy their curiousity and needs. Do I deserve settling for this? I often think I deserve much better. Please continue to give me your feedback.... Thanks very much. (Kimmi in CA)

[westernxer]

The guy's gay.

[shygurl]

This makes no sense....if he was feeling inferior to other men, I could see him looking on a HETERO singles site......at the mens' profiles there, to see what the average guy out there looks like............(I'm assuming you're talking overall physical appearance or are you talking penis size?)..........but why post pics of himself? That makes no sense at all.....if someone is feeling inferior, why would they want to post their pics on a public site? I'm sorry but I think you're in a lot of denial.

 

Are you content living and sleeping (albeit it not very often) with a man who's likely gay or at least is bisexual? I mean ,there's nothing wrong with gay or bisexual men, of course........but do you want to remain with someone who is perhaps remaining with you to hide their secret? to make things in their life better financially? Or do you want to be with someone who loves you passionately, who you can trust, who you don't have to worry is running around with men behind your back?

 

Are there any other things about him that seem amiss? Is he affectionate to you? Does he seem distant? Does he spent unexplained periods of time away from home/always coming home from work late? Getting strange calls? Is he secretive? Does he tell you he loves you and look you in the eye when he says it? Does he show you love?

 

What do you want here?

[kimmi46]

He does not act at a distance towards me, he is affectionate, not quite as much of a touchy feely guy, as I am a woman who touches and feels. He comes home right after work every night, doesn't go hang out with any buddies. He acts as though he prefers for "us" to spend our time away from work together most always. We shop together, Home Depot, Groceries, Clothes, all of it... We do enjoy each other's company, rarely ever argue. I guess I just haven't figured out WHAT I want at this moment. He does auto technian work for a living, but for hobbies, he like to oil-paint, work with wood (build shelves, entertainment center, etc...), he is electronically motivated with hooking up lights and appliances to work off a remote, he likes to "decorate" the rooms in the apartment nicely.... We all know home decorators tend to be gay. Like Nate on Oprah..... Love his talents, I must say.

 

I am just trying to weigh the pros and cons and figure out what would be best for me, and for him as well....

[b52srock]

Oh good Lord...

 

OK, was married for nearly 6 years before finding out my ex was a closet cross-dresser. Came out of the closet on it, and while things went well for a while, it totally went downhill once the internet came into the picture.

 

He became obsessed with gay porn sites (even though we had a fabulous sex life), having a website of his own as "her", registered us on bondage sites, swinging sites, gay sites, couples sites, you name it...all without my knowledge or permission.

 

Your situation could honestly go in either direction, but you HAVE to ask yourself...can I live with this or not? If you can, kudos to you...if not...get out now. Believe me, being second in line to his "fetish" is no way to live. I tried, for 12 more years. Been there, done that, have the t-shirt.

[scared shy]

My friend who is roommates with the guy I like saw a gay porn website on her computer after he was done using it. Now I at first went batty thinking what in the hell? I came on here for advice questioning if a straight man would do this, I got a lot of good feedback. Questioned him about it, apparently he was surfing all sorts of "dirty" porn and was directed all over the place... I am still wondering did he leave it up to be caught or was it a pure accident. I tend to believe at the very least he is curious, he is a porn addict well an addict all around, and I think he is just De-sensitized to the norm porn. This could be me in denial...

Just let me say that if it had been your situation there would have been no doubt in my mind that he was gay. Well it would be safe to say he is bi at the very least since you and him are still intimate. But for your sake please do not kid yourself, someday if it hasn't already happened it will go further than just a website.

[SoleMate]

...90% chance he is gay. 10% chance he was just curious....

I agree, except I would make it 98% and 2%. Lots of gay men try to hide it.

[kimmi46]

I have to agree that a lot of gay men try to hide it. They don't know what to expect from their family and close friends if they tell the truth. I believe my guy is still in denial, won't talk the truth.... I would much rather know the truth than for him to hide and lie about it. I can go forward with life. I'm fine living on my own. I guess it will be interesting as I am going with him to visit friends in Indiana very soon, and they know about his profile on the gay site, as I told them. I hope we can get some discussions started and just maybe he can be free to tell us the truth! I will let you know.

[scared shy]

I guess it will be interesting as I am going with him to visit friends in Indiana very soon, and they know about his profile on the gay site, as I told them. I hope we can get some discussions started and just maybe he can be free to tell us the truth! I will let you know.

 

Well that wasn't very nice to tell his friends. Obviously if he is gay he is not ready to face it. I would feel cornered and not be very happy if a "group" of people I knew, all knew something very personal and private and confronted me about it in a group setting. Good God think of the embarrassment that might cause him. If you asked and he hasn't said YES, he is not ready. Did you tell him you told these friends?

Was he ok with that?

If not, I would tell him straight away so he is not blind sighted. I wouldn't talk to my friend for awhile if it was me in his shoes. That's a touchy subject, like telling a bunch of friends your best girlfriend had an abortion. It's really none of your business other than you are choosing to sleep him with him, knowing he may be this way... only prolonging the hurt. I don't mean to be an ass, but I am a very private person, and this to me would be a clear invasion of privacy.

But I do hope you have good trip to Indiana. Never been there...

[Cwazydude]

Whoa whoa whoa, You TOLD his friends about his little site thing?

 

OUCH! Your what people refer to as a nark. That was rather mean.

[kimmi46]

OK, maybe that wasn't the kindest thing to do. To tell his friends about the site thing. He talks to this couple some 4-7 times a week on the telephone. It was still fresh in my mind and my intentions were to see if they could get him to talk about it. Aparently it is true that he is not ready to admit it to anyone. He does know that I told them. They have discussed it briefly on the phone. I have made a commitment not to ever discuss it in front of any of his family members. Some of my family members do know. And of course my counsellor knows, who I go to, to discuss what direction I should now take. I did ask him (the cousellor) if he felt I overstepped my boundaries by deleting the profile off the site, since it was not mine to begin with. He said probably so. I just wish I had more information, hidden or out in the open, to understand if he is gay and in the closet, why he continues to cover it all up. I have made a few close friends over the years who are gay. I, personally, do not have a problem at all with gay people. If I am a "nark" and looked down upon because of what I choose to do, well all I can do is learn from it. I do appreciate your feeback. Thanks.

[soccorsilly]

WOW. I don't want to turn to bashing because you do have a dilemna on your hands, but I would think that the dilemna will solve itself shortly.

 

Regardless of his sexual orientation (or inklling) you have taken it upon yourself to essentially destroy his property (the profile), and now have divulved a secret or spread a rumor (you really do not know) to his friends, your family, and your counselor.

 

No matter the subject, this was a huge breach of any type of trust, and to be honest, I would probably be out the door in any event.

[Mz. Pixie]

Come on Kimmi- you are in denial here honey.

 

To me, it sounds like he enjoys being with you and having a relationship with a woman, except he likes gay sex. You say he's only interested in sex once a week? This could be your answer.

 

It is not curiosity- that would be accessing the site. HE POSTED PROFILES AND PICS!

 

He sounds truly confused- perhaps he does have feelings for you and love you on some level but this is something he can't fight?? The sexual attraction to men.

[kimmi46]

Well, we made it to Indiana. And home safely. I took 2 viagras with us on vacation, but they both came home in the suitcase. Their priority was drinking beer all day, every day and I felt like odd person out. I am finally starting to feel that we will go our separate way before summer is over. There really is NO reason for me to stay with a 48 year old alcoholic man, who has yet to admit if he is gay or not gay. With his lack of sex drive, and my desire to still have an active sex life, I can't imagine this working out. I will be fine. So will he. Thanks all who gave their input. I do appreciate it. I did re-read them often and it did help me to make my mind up!

[scared shy]

I am glad that you made your mind up and you're doing what's right for you... you can always be friends later on down the road if that's something you both want but as far as a relationship goes, it sounded very one sided. I am wishing you lots of luck.