Flirting and relationships. Is it unreasonable for me to expect him to trust me?

[janamontana]

Hi, everyone. Thanks for all the replies. It has really helped me to think about this. I also talked with some of my friends again about it, which also helped.

 

It seems that the solution, as usual, is to compromise. I still can't say for sure what is "appropriate" or "inappropriate", it seems to be a matter of opinion. But based on all the input I've gotten, I've decided to at least compromise on this issue. So while I still feel that I have the right to flirt if I want to, I am going to at least tone it down when my bf can see it. What he doesn't know is not going to hurt him, but I'm not doing it hardcore right in front of him anymore. It just makes him too jealous.

 

Another compromise I'm going to make is to try and cut back on the time I spend with my best guy friend. He's been my friend since like the 5th grade and I admit we still hang out together a lot, which makes my bf really jealous. I admit he does have a point here because my friend and I do flirt like there's nothing to it, and sometimes he hangs out here all day studying with me while my bf is a work, so naturally he is going to get jealous, but I do still expect him to trust me. But of course I know how this is going to SEEM to others who are on the outside, so I am going to start making my friend leave the house everyday before my bf gets home. There's no point in making my bf worry all day about what is going on.

 

But at any rate, I will keep you all posted. I am pretty confident tho that this bit of compromising on my part is going to at least tone down my bf's annoying jealousy.

 

Again, thank you all for your input.

[juniorrocha]

Not gonna judge you for that, but let ask you: would you feel comfortable with your boyfriend doing the same? Quick story: my ex was like you and it use to drive me insane; I requested her to stop but every now and then it would happen anyway. Do you know what I did? I started to flirt as well. And guess what? THAT drove her insane.

 

Not saying it's your case, but put yourself in his position and try to imagine how it would feel like. If it still seems okay to you, then maybe you should consider finding a new partner. If you two get to the point where there isn't a solution, then maybe it's time to break up before it gets worse.

[JoeSmith357-1]

You fail to realize your behavior is destructive and hurtful. You will learn the hard way.

 

As someone else said, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink.

[Art.at.Heart]

Hi, everyone. Thanks for all the replies. It has really helped me to think about this. I also talked with some of my friends again about it, which also helped.

 

It seems that the solution, as usual, is to compromise. I still can't say for sure what is "appropriate" or "inappropriate", it seems to be a matter of opinion. But based on all the input I've gotten, I've decided to at least compromise on this issue. So while I still feel that I have the right to flirt if I want to, I am going to at least tone it down when my bf can see it. What he doesn't know is not going to hurt him, but I'm not doing it hardcore right in front of him anymore. It just makes him too jealous.

 

Another compromise I'm going to make is to try and cut back on the time I spend with my best guy friend. He's been my friend since like the 5th grade and I admit we still hang out together a lot, which makes my bf really jealous. I admit he does have a point here because my friend and I do flirt like there's nothing to it, and sometimes he hangs out here all day studying with me while my bf is a work, so naturally he is going to get jealous, but I do still expect him to trust me. But of course I know how this is going to SEEM to others who are on the outside, so I am going to start making my friend leave the house everyday before my bf gets home. There's no point in making my bf worry all day about what is going on.

 

But at any rate, I will keep you all posted. I am pretty confident tho that this bit of compromising on my part is going to at least tone down my bf's annoying jealousy.

 

Again, thank you all for your input.

Am I wrong in assuming this compromise was not made WITH your boyfriend? I'll gladly apologize if I am...its just that saying "what [blank] doesn't know won't hurt him" sounds like another way of having your cake and eating it too.

[JoeSmith357-1]

Am I wrong in assuming this compromise was not made WITH your boyfriend? I'll gladly apologize if I am...its just that saying "what [blank] doesn't know won't hurt him" sounds like another way of having your cake and eating it too.

 

That's what I got out of it, sounds like she's going to be more subtle about it, and try to be more secretive.

 

Really sounds like compromise to me.

[ExpatInItaly]

Am I wrong in assuming this compromise was not made WITH your boyfriend? I'll gladly apologize if I am...its just that saying "what [blank] doesn't know won't hurt him" sounds like another way of having your cake and eating it too.

 

Exactly. This is a very destructive principle to apply in a relationship, OP. Your boyfriend should feel confident that you are loyal and considerate of his feelings regardless of whether or not he's there to see the behaviour. And vice versa. It's a very self-centred stance.

 

I think you don't really grasp the issue here. It's one thing to glance at a passing attractive person. But checking out or making comments about other men in your boyfriend's presence is downright disrespectful, particularly if you know it's hurtful to him.

 

Perhaps you can define for us what you consider to be flirting; can you provide some specific examples of things you have said or done that upset your boyfriend?

[janamontana]

Not gonna judge you for that, but let ask you: would you feel comfortable with your boyfriend doing the same? Quick story: my ex was like you and it use to drive me insane; I requested her to stop but every now and then it would happen anyway. Do you know what I did? I started to flirt as well. And guess what? THAT drove her insane.

 

I would feel very comfortable with my bf flirting with other girls. Well, I'm sure I'd get a little jealous, but I'm sure I wouldn't start accusing him, snooping through his phone, or think that he 's cheating. In fact, I'd kind of like him flirting a little bit, just because then it wouldn't be all about me.

 

Exactly. This is a very destructive principle to apply in a relationship, OP. Your boyfriend should feel confident that you are loyal and considerate of his feelings regardless of whether or not he's there to see the behaviour. And vice versa. It's a very self-centred stance.

 

I am considerate of his feelings. I just consider unwarranted jealousy to be a bad feeling. It's not appropriate. He should know after 3 years of testing me that I'm not going to cheat. Actually, I think what is very self-centered is to try and control your partner's every move and to snoop on them just because you're insecure. Now that IS self-centered.

 

Perhaps you can define for us what you consider to be flirting; can you provide some specific examples of things you have said or done that upset your boyfriend?

 

Flirting is hard to define, but to me it's basically acting like you are physically interested in the other person. It's giving the expectation you might want to have sex, even tho you might not want it at all and be just playing.

 

It's hard to give examples because it seems like EVERYTHING I do when I flirt upsets him. He seems to really hate it when I talk about how hot other guys are or compliment them, and he seems to also hate how I look at them. He says I'm always looking at them like I want to f*** them. But his biggest pet peeve seems to be any kind of touching. He gets insanely jealous over any kind of physical contact, and this is a constant source of friction for us because I'm very touchy-feely and that is how I've always flirted with guys. I've noticed that guys really respond to any kind of touching, so I have the tendency to touch a lot when I flirt. Plus I went to school for awhile to be a massage therapist, so I'm VERY good at it! So when I flirt I admit it does get a little "physical" - I give them back rubs, sit on their laps, play with their hair, write things on them with my fingers, etc. But my favorite thing to do by far is play fighting. I will jump on them and start tickling them and wrestling with them, and sometimes we just play fight like that for hours at a time. It really makes my bf jealous, but it's my favorite flirting technique because it's so effective. I've even had some of my guy friends literally BEGGING me to have sex with them afterwards (yes, literally, one of them actually got down on his knees!) Somehow, guys always get the impression you want to have sex them just because you're touching them physically, I guess that's just how they're wired. But at any rate, that is usually how I flirt.

 

BTW, as a side note, I've never understood why guys are like that (so physical).

[JoeSmith357-1]

I would feel very comfortable with my bf flirting with other girls. Well, I'm sure I'd get a little jealous, but I'm sure I wouldn't start accusing him, snooping through his phone, or think that he 's cheating. In fact, I'd kind of like him flirting a little bit, just because then it wouldn't be all about me.

 

So just because you don't care if he WOULD do it, does not give you the green light to do it yourself. We have already told you this behavior is not generally acceptable if you are in a committed relationship. What don't you understand about it?

 

It would be like if you used drugs, and your boyfriend doesnt, and he does not want you to use drugs, but you come back and say you are ok with him doing it... even though he doesnt want to...

 

I am considerate of his feelings. I just consider unwarranted jealousy to be a bad feeling. It's not appropriate. He should know after 3 years of testing me that I'm not going to cheat. Actually, I think what is very self-centered is to try and control your partner's every move and to snoop on them just because you're insecure. Now that IS self-centered.

 

I did not get from any of your posts that he is trying to control "your every move". It sounds to me like he doesnt want you flirting, coming on to other dudes, or, let me say this, exuding the appearance that you are romantically/ sexually available to other men.

 

I don't understand how you can't see this. And how this is poisonous to any relationship.

 

Flirting is hard to define, but to me it's basically acting like you are physically interested in the other person. It's giving the expectation you might want to have sex, even tho you might not want it at all and be just playing.

 

It's hard to give examples because it seems like EVERYTHING I do when I flirt upsets him. He seems to really hate it when I talk about how hot other guys are or compliment them, and he seems to also hate how I look at them. He says I'm always looking at them like I want to f*** them. But his biggest pet peeve seems to be any kind of touching. He gets insanely jealous over any kind of physical contact, and this is a constant source of friction for us because I'm very touchy-feely and that is how I've always flirted with guys. I've noticed that guys really respond to any kind of touching, so I have the tendency to touch a lot when I flirt. Plus I went to school for awhile to be a massage therapist, so I'm VERY good at it! So when I flirt I admit it does get a little "physical" - I give them back rubs, sit on their laps, play with their hair, write things on them with my fingers, etc. But my favorite thing to do by far is play fighting. I will jump on them and start tickling them and wrestling with them, and sometimes we just play fight like that for hours at a time. It really makes my bf jealous, but it's my favorite flirting technique because it's so effective. I've even had some of my guy friends literally BEGGING me to have sex with them afterwards (yes, literally, one of them actually got down on his knees!) Somehow, guys always get the impression you want to have sex them just because you're touching them physically, I guess that's just how they're wired. But at any rate, that is usually how I flirt.

 

Wow... i'm at a loss for words after reading that.

 

You probably shouldn't be in a relationship... you aren't ready

Edited June 1, 2016 by JoeSmith357-1

[Art.at.Heart]

This:

it seems like EVERYTHING I do when I flirt upsets him

 

Followed by this:

Flirting is hard to define, but to me it's basically acting like you are physically interested in the other person. It's giving the expectation you might want to have sex

 

Capped off by aaaaaaaaall of this:

He seems to really hate it when I talk about how hot other guys are or compliment them, and he seems to also hate how I look at them. He says I'm always looking at them like I want to f*** them. But his biggest pet peeve seems to be any kind of touching. He gets insanely jealous over any kind of physical contact, and this is a constant source of friction for us because I'm very touchy-feely and that is how I've always flirted with guys. I've noticed that guys really respond to any kind of touching, so I have the tendency to touch a lot when I flirt. Plus I went to school for awhile to be a massage therapist, so I'm VERY good at it! So when I flirt I admit it does get a little "physical" - I give them back rubs, sit on their laps, play with their hair, write things on them with my fingers, etc. But my favorite thing to do by far is play fighting. I will jump on them and start tickling them and wrestling with them, and sometimes we just play fight like that for hours at a time. It really makes my bf jealous, but it's my favorite flirting technique because it's so effective. I've even had some of my guy friends literally BEGGING me to have sex with them afterwards (yes, literally, one of them actually got down on his knees!) Somehow, guys always get the impression you want to have sex them just because you're touching them physically, I guess that's just how they're wired. But at any rate, that is usually how I flirt.

 

Has me sure this is a joke.

[ExpatInItaly]

I am surprised that you still have a boyfriend after reading the examples of "flirting" you described.

 

If you need that much validation from other guys, you should not be in a relationship.

 

You are nowhere near ready for marriage, OP. Not by a long shot.

[MrBump]

I would feel very comfortable with my bf flirting with other girls. Well, I'm sure I'd get a little jealous, but I'm sure I wouldn't start accusing him, snooping through his phone, or think that he 's cheating. In fact, I'd kind of like him flirting a little bit, just because then it wouldn't be all about me.

 

 

 

I am considerate of his feelings. I just consider unwarranted jealousy to be a bad feeling. It's not appropriate. He should know after 3 years of testing me that I'm not going to cheat. Actually, I think what is very self-centered is to try and control your partner's every move and to snoop on them just because you're insecure. Now that IS self-centered.

 

 

 

Flirting is hard to define, but to me it's basically acting like you are physically interested in the other person. It's giving the expectation you might want to have sex, even tho you might not want it at all and be just playing.

 

It's hard to give examples because it seems like EVERYTHING I do when I flirt upsets him. He seems to really hate it when I talk about how hot other guys are or compliment them, and he seems to also hate how I look at them. He says I'm always looking at them like I want to f*** them. But his biggest pet peeve seems to be any kind of touching. He gets insanely jealous over any kind of physical contact, and this is a constant source of friction for us because I'm very touchy-feely and that is how I've always flirted with guys. I've noticed that guys really respond to any kind of touching, so I have the tendency to touch a lot when I flirt. Plus I went to school for awhile to be a massage therapist, so I'm VERY good at it! So when I flirt I admit it does get a little "physical" - I give them back rubs, sit on their laps, play with their hair, write things on them with my fingers, etc. But my favorite thing to do by far is play fighting. I will jump on them and start tickling them and wrestling with them, and sometimes we just play fight like that for hours at a time. It really makes my bf jealous, but it's my favorite flirting technique because it's so effective. I've even had some of my guy friends literally BEGGING me to have sex with them afterwards (yes, literally, one of them actually got down on his knees!) Somehow, guys always get the impression you want to have sex them just because you're touching them physically, I guess that's just how they're wired. But at any rate, that is usually how I flirt.

 

BTW, as a side note, I've never understood why guys are like that (so physical).

 

You sound like a nightmare girlfriend to be fair.

[insert_name]

I am reading this safe in the knowledge that this thread has to be a wind up, nobody can be so knowingly off the hook.

[JS84]

Okay now that I've read that last post, if this is for real, you really need to just end things with your boyfriend and either stay single or just be with someone who is fine with open relationships.

[greaterdevil]

 

Flirting is hard to define, but to me it's basically acting like you are physically interested in the other person. It's giving the expectation you might want to have sex, even tho you might not want it at all and be just playing.

 

It's hard to give examples because it seems like EVERYTHING I do when I flirt upsets him. He seems to really hate it when I talk about how hot other guys are or compliment them, and he seems to also hate how I look at them. He says I'm always looking at them like I want to f*** them. But his biggest pet peeve seems to be any kind of touching. He gets insanely jealous over any kind of physical contact, and this is a constant source of friction for us because I'm very touchy-feely and that is how I've always flirted with guys. I've noticed that guys really respond to any kind of touching, so I have the tendency to touch a lot when I flirt. Plus I went to school for awhile to be a massage therapist, so I'm VERY good at it! So when I flirt I admit it does get a little "physical" - I give them back rubs, sit on their laps, play with their hair, write things on them with my fingers, etc. But my favorite thing to do by far is play fighting. I will jump on them and start tickling them and wrestling with them, and sometimes we just play fight like that for hours at a time. It really makes my bf jealous, but it's my favorite flirting technique because it's so effective. I've even had some of my guy friends literally BEGGING me to have sex with them afterwards (yes, literally, one of them actually got down on his knees!) Somehow, guys always get the impression you want to have sex them just because you're touching them physically, I guess that's just how they're wired. But at any rate, that is usually how I flirt.

 

BTW, as a side note, I've never understood why guys are like that (so physical).

 

Lol, I knew this thread would have a good punchline.

 

But just on the off chance that you're for real, please break up with hour boyfriend. If you love someone, you don't harbor the desire to cause them jealousy to the point of madness. Your flirting would drive all but a very small subset of men crazy.

 

Your boyfriend might be insecure, but instead of trying to make him feel better, you make him feel worse. You go on about how he should trust you, but as another poster hinted at--why should he trust you? He has trusted you (we assume) by sharing how vulnerable and disrespected your flirting makes him feel, and what did you do with that trust? I would even hazard a guess that you have much deeper insecurities than he does--your addiction to validation from other men suggests it.

 

If I were your boyfriend, I'd feel like my validation and adoration wasn't enough for you. It might feel very emasculating. But, when I was his age I dated a girl for a couple years who was also very insecure and needed validation from other men. Eventually, she found one who wouldn't give it to her. It drove her crazy, and she eventually ended up cheating on me with him.

 

You're both so young, and you might really love each other, but my guess is you're not mature enough to nurture a healthy relationship.

 

If you're for real, OP--good luck to you and your boyfriend.

[King Me]

Ha!

 

No, showing sexual interest to other people is not appropriate in committed relationships unless BOTH people are into doing it.

 

You sound like you definitely need to be playing the field for the next few years.

[lolablue17]

I've read what you said about your flirting habits. You seems to me as a free spirit lovely girl, who is mentally very healthy and well balanced. I envy you, I wish I could be a little more like you.

 

When I look around, I don't see many of us (Females or males) have that special P.O.V about life. Your Bf for sure isn't like you. He is like most of us. By dragging this, you make him and yourself very uncomfortable and miserable. I don't think that any of the things you do is wrong. On the contrary, you're great. But maybe it's time to take responsibility and face reality that you're both not so compatible.

 

He shouldn't accuse you, and you shouldn't accuse him of anything. I wish you to find someone who is more like you.

[Lois_Griffin]

You asked for honest opinions.

 

My opinion is you're a 20 year old girl. Yes, you're still a girl.

 

You're nowhere near being ready to marry anyone.

 

You're acting the way 20 year old girls act. Silly and flirtatious. That's what girls your age DO.

 

Why the hell are you trying so hard to pin yourself down to a 23 year old who also is too young to be tied down for life?

 

You've never been allowed to spread your wings because you've chosen to tie yourself down since you were 17 years old. That's not going to bode well as you get older and mature.

 

Hell, your brain isn't even fully formed yet, do you know that? That won't happen for another 5 years. You're not even who you're going to BE yet.

 

Of course he has every right to be upset at your flirting.

 

What you don't realize is that you're acting your age and marriage should be the dead LAST thing you should be considering right now.

 

And THAT is my honest opinion.

[JoeSmith357-1]

You asked for honest opinions.

 

My opinion is you're a 20 year old girl. Yes, you're still a girl.

 

You're acting the way 20 year old girls act. Silly and flirtatious. That's what girls your age DO.

 

What you don't realize is that you're acting your age and marriage should be the dead LAST thing you should be considering right now.

 

I agree with a lot of your post, except the part about how she's acting her age.

 

Yes, people in their teens and 20's are immature

 

Yes, women in that age group probably flirt a bit more than normal

 

However, I would not say that the behavior she is describing is acceptable for ANYONE in an exclusive relationship at ANY age. Not for a 16 year old, not for a 20 year old, not for a 40 year old.

 

Unless both partners are swingers or agree to an open / poly relationship

 

Excusing her behavior because she's 20 is silly.

 

But yes, she's not ready for a relationship, let along marriage. And I have no idea why, at 20 anyone would even be considering marriage, but that's another story altogether

[frus69]

Her behavior is stupid period, no matter how old.

Light flirt is fine but her flirt is like sitting on guys laps and thats just cheap, even for a single girl.

[JoeSmith357-1]

Her behavior is stupid period, no matter how old.

Light flirt is fine but her flirt is like sitting on guys laps and thats just cheap, even for a single girl.

 

Exactly, the message that is sending to anyone looking is, "wow, this girl is totally down for sex, let me get some of this..."

 

Just imagine what her boyfriend must be thinking when he sees or hears about it happening... there's no excusing this

Edited June 4, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~T

[insert_name]

Exactly, the message that is sending to anyone looking is, "wow, this girl is totally down for sex, let me get some of this..."

 

Just imagine what her boyfriend must be thinking when he sees or hears about it happening... there's no excusing this

 

In a sense it is worse than that because she is being intentionally provocative by overstepping boundaries of common decency and doing so just to mess with them for her own amusement.

 

In other words, she is a tease.

Edited June 4, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[mikeylo]

Loss of words , really ! But I guess, it gives insight to a lot of men and women ' natural , harmless flirtlers '. It's not even about age. It's about giving two sheeets about others. Narcissistic personality. Karma is a botche

[kgcolonel]

Exactly, the message that is sending to anyone looking is, "wow, this girl is totally down for sex, let me get some of this..."

 

Just imagine what her boyfriend must be thinking when he sees or hears about it happening... there's no excusing this

 

Or since she is "no longer doing it in his presence", when he is told about it....

 

OP....It is unacceptable to do this when you are hurting the person you're supposed to be supporting and in a loving relationship. If you value flirting more than building your relationship, get out of the relationship...stop torturing your BF.

Edited June 4, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[introverted1]

Plus, to be honest, I’ve noticed that people that are against flirting are usually very insecure in general and often have low self esteems,

 

The above applies even more to those who "have to" flirt.

 

As a woman, I have no desire to flirt with other men when I am in a committed relationship. I don't need validation from others of my attractiveness.

 

Flirting is hard to define, but to me it's basically acting like you are physically interested in the other person. It's giving the expectation you might want to have sex, even tho you might not want it at all and be just playing.

 

It is disrespectful to my partner for me to signal that I am interested in others, and it's also unfair to those I would be sending the signal to. How on earth can you justify this as appropriate behavior?

[elaine567]

I thought OK a bit of hair flicking and the odd "suggestive" remark.

Little did I think "flirting" was"wrestling"and play fighting for hours, sitting on their laps, giving them deep massages, and the poor guy left begging on his knees for sex afterwards...

 

LOL!