GF Texting and talking to male best friends daily.

[Fatezero1]

My girlfriend has a few male best friends she text and talks to every single day. In all fairness, she knew them first, and she also talks to her female friends just as much. I am saying this because I want to keep your opinions fair. We are also in a long distance relationship, when I visited her, her guy friend was around just too much for my comfort. When she text or talk to these guys, she doesn't lie about it, she even lets me know when they have hung out...I did however, tell her I don't like them hanging out 1 on 1, a group is fine to me, but not 1 on 1 and she did stop this....However, does she need to text or speak to these guy friends everyday? I am fine with it a couple times a week, but daily?...She tells me she loves me, and they are just her friends because I have brought it to her even though I don't do it that often...It also, sometimes affect my behavior toward her, and makes me not want to speak for a couple days at a time. I will pick up, but i act very nonchalant or get off the phone quickly. Am i being reasonable for not wanting her chatting with these guy friends so much or just too insecure?

[smackie9]

This is the way she is....if you didn't like her interacting with these male friends (orbiters) the way she does, then you shouldn't have bothered to be her BF. This is her social life and she's never had a problem with it because she has boundaries with them that friendship is as far as it's gonna go.

 

There is no nice way to say "you should limit the time you spend with these dudes because I don't approve."

 

LDRs are tough, and it takes an incredible amount of trust. You need to learn to trust her.

[itstoni]

There is no such thing as long distance relationships, they don't work.

Anyone that tells you differently, lies to themselves and to you.

 

 

You did a good job by letting her know what you don't like it when shes 1on1s.

Unfortunately, that's all you can do. Brush off your insecurities and don't worry unless your gut tells you otherwise..LISTEN to your gut!

[Larryville]

There is no such thing as long distance relationships, they don't work. Anyone that tells you differently, lies to themselves and to you.

 

Exactly, the thing is some individuals need a lot of space, and don’t have the self-assurance to establish [that need to be together] when they are “too close” to someone.

 

People who value their careers (or other personal time consuming activities) above relationships find geographically challenged “relationships” ideal, because they don’t compete with their job (fav activity) for attention.

 

These guy friends, do something or fulfill something you don’t

 

sometimes affect my behavior toward her, and makes me not want to speak for a couple days at a time

 

Frankly that is not a relationship... but hey

 

Relationships (good ones) are about being cool with each other and enhancing each others lives. When it ceases to do that it is pointless.

 

Again why the long distance only makes things worse.

[mikeylo]

Read some threads in the ' cheating , jealous ' forum. You will find same threads like yours.

[Gaeta]

My girlfriend has a few male best friends she text and talks to every single day. In all fairness, she knew them first, and she also talks to her female friends just as much. I am saying this because I want to keep your opinions fair. We are also in a long distance relationship, when I visited her, her guy friend was around just too much for my comfort. When she text or talk to these guys, she doesn't lie about it, she even lets me know when they have hung out...I did however, tell her I don't like them hanging out 1 on 1, a group is fine to me, but not 1 on 1 and she did stop this....However, does she need to text or speak to these guy friends everyday? I am fine with it a couple times a week, but daily?...She tells me she loves me, and they are just her friends because I have brought it to her even though I don't do it that often...It also, sometimes affect my behavior toward her, and makes me not want to speak for a couple days at a time. I will pick up, but i act very nonchalant or get off the phone quickly. Am i being reasonable for not wanting her chatting with these guy friends so much or just too insecure?

 

I have male friends that I know for years and we talk on daily basis. These male friends have never lacked respect toward me, it's been friendship all the say for 5-6 years. Than you the boyfriend comes along and tell me what I am doing is wrong? Your attitude would not fly with me. You trust me or you don't, there is no in-between. What you see is what you get, you take it or leave it.

 

The only problem here is your possessiveness.

[Fatezero1]

That's why im on this site asking am I being reasonable. It does seem like the vast majority don't think it's an issue, shes a sweetheart and I guess I will just work on letting it be unless I see something suspicious going on. She did stop the one on ones though. You would not have a problem if you had a man who constantly spent his days hanging out with another women?

[Fatezero1]

There is no such thing as long distance relationships, they don't work.

Anyone that tells you differently, lies to themselves and to you.

 

 

You did a good job by letting her know what you don't like it when shes 1on1s.

Unfortunately, that's all you can do. Brush off your insecurities and don't worry unless your gut tells you otherwise..LISTEN to your gut!

 

 

 

This is my first and only long distance relationship, they are straining and expensive to see each other. I will be proposing soon(Yes, it's something shes been commenting on wanting too), so the long distance portion should be coming to an end. The friend thing has been in the back of my mind for a while, but like I said I don't address it too often. So it's really only been an ongoing problem in my head.

[Gaeta]

You would not have a problem if you had a man who constantly spent his days hanging out with another women?

 

My boyfriend has a good female friend and they see each other on regular basis and he goes to her place to fix things for her on occasion but most of the time they meet for coffees or community events (they're from the same culture). No it does not bother me. They were friends before I came along. I have spoken to her on occasion over the phone. It does not bother me because my bf does not give me reason to worry and I also have a huge amount of self-confidence. If he cheats he cheats, I can't control him. If it gets there I'll dump him, I'll move on, and I'll be fine.

[AnnaTjacks]

No, you are not being unreasonable at all. You don't feel comfortable with her having several male friends and that's ok. I was somewhat like your girlfriend in that when I was dating I had both male and female friends. We were all very close. One guy, in particular, was really like a brother to me. When I got engaged, I asked my husband-to-be would it be ok if I still hung out with him. He met him and liked him and felt comfortable so it was ok. To this day, he treats my kids like he is their uncle and he visits us. The key thing is when he visits we do things together, including my husband. I would not have continued to hang out with him if my now husband felt troubled by it. But if you don't feel comfortable then I would hope she would respect how you feel. Just like if you had some close female friends and she didn't feel content, I would hope she respect how you feel.

[Miss Peach]

My BF is in a similar situation minus the LDR part. It does help that about half my close male friends are gay but half are not. The thing is I have known these guys a long time and I have a good sense for knowing when a guy is an orbiter versus being genuine. I am very slow to add close male friends because it's my experience most are there to orbit. The orbiters who have made themselves known (i.e., coworkers, guys in my social circle) I have pushed out of my life, made it known I have BF, and talked to my BF about.

 

IMO a lot of it has to do with the boundaries your GF is able to set up with these guys. If she has similar values and boundaries and is good an enforcing them you shouldn't worry IMO. If she is the sort to let people run all over her then maybe you should even if you believe she is well intentioned.

 

The thing is you cannot control her. You cannot control the outcome of your relationship. You can only control your own actions and thoughts. If she is going to cheat, etc. there isn't much you can do about it. In any case I would rather know those things sooner rather than later.

 

It would be one thing if BF needed the occasional reassurance. But if he tried to tell me who I could be friends with, etc. then he wouldn't be a good fit for me. I've already BTDT with a man to the point I had no friends and I won't go there again.

[Fatezero1]

My BF is in a similar situation minus the LDR part. It does help that about half my close male friends are gay but half are not. The thing is I have known these guys a long time and I have a good sense for knowing when a guy is an orbiter versus being genuine. I am very slow to add close male friends because it's my experience most are there to orbit. The orbiters who have made themselves known (i.e., coworkers, guys in my social circle) I have pushed out of my life, made it known I have BF, and talked to my BF about.

 

IMO a lot of it has to do with the boundaries your GF is able to set up with these guys. If she has similar values and boundaries and is good an enforcing them you shouldn't worry IMO. If she is the sort to let people run all over her then maybe you should even if you believe she is well intentioned.

 

The thing is you cannot control her. You cannot control the outcome of your relationship. You can only control your own actions and thoughts. If she is going to cheat, etc. there isn't much you can do about it. In any case I would rather know those things sooner rather than later.

 

It would be one thing if BF needed the occasional reassurance. But if he tried to tell me who I could be friends with, etc. then he wouldn't be a good fit for me. I've already BTDT with a man to the point I had no friends and I won't go there again.

 

I don't complain about it too often, I only had 2 conversations in the last year about it. I met one the guys, and thought maybe I would like him but in truth I didn't, when I visited her, he seemed to try to be around wayyy to much. Or when she came to visit me, he called mad that she didn't tell him she was coming to my state, and right in front of me she said why is it your business where I go? She also has no issues claiming her love for me on social media, and I noticed hes liked practically every status shes ever put up but those ones lol...I do trust her, I just can sense the kind of guy this one is...regardless its been her close friend for 10 years, so I know I cant completely shut him out, I did tell her I don't like him hanging out 1 on 1 and she stopped this. I also know I cant tell her who to talk to...but it does affect my behavior. Since I started this page, she has already told me I been acting kind of platonic, and ending conversations with her a lot faster lately.

[Fatezero1]

My boyfriend has a good female friend and they see each other on regular basis and he goes to her place to fix things for her on occasion but most of the time they meet for coffees or community events (they're from the same culture). No it does not bother me. They were friends before I came along. I have spoken to her on occasion over the phone. It does not bother me because my bf does not give me reason to worry and I also have a huge amount of self-confidence. If he cheats he cheats, I can't control him. If it gets there I'll dump him, I'll move on, and I'll be fine.

 

I understand your logic, and I don't really bring it up to often, and at no point did I tell her she cant do it, I just mentioned how it made me feel once, she didn't stop, she just assured me those are her friends and shes in love with me. My issue is, when something gets under my skin, I usually pull away and distance myself, and then that's when they come trying to find out why am I acting funny. So internally, how do you deal with that?

[JoeSmith357-1]

This is the way she is....if you didn't like her interacting with these male friends (orbiters) the way she does, then you shouldn't have bothered to be her BF. This is her social life and she's never had a problem with it because she has boundaries with them that friendship is as far as it's gonna go.

 

This is a pretty naive way of looking at it. These things always start out innocent. But these guys know exactly what they are doing.

 

They are laying out the long con to get into her pants. Especially because they know she's in an LDR. The BF is not there, they KNOW she's lacking physical attention, and maybe to some degree an amount of emotional support that he cant give because he's so far away.

 

Yes, she might initially put up boundaries, but over time, these boundaries will erode as she spends MORE and MORE time in communication with them.

 

Then one day they will "meet for coffee" and end up going back to his place to **** her brains out because she needs the dick.

 

It's going to happen, it's just a matter of time.

 

There is no nice way to say "you should limit the time you spend with these dudes because I don't approve."

 

And I will say, that he SHOULDNT have to say that. She should KNOW that.

 

LDRs are tough, and it takes an incredible amount of trust. You need to learn to trust her.

 

I agree with this point wholeheartedly. I would never get involved in one unless it was a situation where the person I had been dating had to move, or I had to move, and plans were forthcoming for us to be together again... short term situation

[Fatezero1]

This is a pretty naive way of looking at it. These things always start out innocent. But these guys know exactly what they are doing.

 

They are laying out the long con to get into her pants. Especially because they know she's in an LDR. The BF is not there, they KNOW she's lacking physical attention, and maybe to some degree an amount of emotional support that he cant give because he's so far away.

 

Yes, she might initially put up boundaries, but over time, these boundaries will erode as she spends MORE and MORE time in communication with them.

 

Then one day they will "meet for coffee" and end up going back to his place to **** her brains out because she needs the dick.

 

It's going to happen, it's just a matter of time.

 

 

 

And I will say, that he SHOULDNT have to say that. She should KNOW that.

 

 

 

I agree with this point wholeheartedly. I would never get involved in one unless it was a situation where the person I had been dating had to move, or I had to move, and plans were forthcoming for us to be together again... short term situation

 

 

 

 

I agree with the orbiter thing, I don't trust him, but I trust her. If he didn't get laid in 10 years, he has been failing miserably in my opinion. He seems in the friendzone, and when I mentioned him the first time and gave a face of disgust saying hes the last person on the planet he will date...Ive observed there relationship, and don't see him as a threat. I would not say im naïve, because Ive had girlfriends in the past that have cheated, and I dumped them as soon as I found out, and never trusted their relationship with the other guy, but this girl has given me no reason to believe she wants anything romantically to do with him, and hides nothing from me about their friendship, I just don't understand her even being friends with a guy like that......Long distance does suck, but we have been talking about marriage in the very near future till the point her friends and family all know about it including this orbiter...

[Gaeta]

I agree with the orbiter thing, I don't trust him, but I trust her. If he didn't get laid in 10 years, he has been failing miserably in my opinion. He seems in the friendzone, and when I mentioned him the first time and gave a face of disgust saying hes the last person on the planet he will date...Ive observed there relationship, and don't see him as a threat. I would not say im naïve, because Ive had girlfriends in the past that have cheated, and I dumped them as soon as I found out, and never trusted their relationship with the other guy, but this girl has given me no reason to believe she wants anything romantically to do with him, and hides nothing from me about their friendship, I just don't understand her even being friends with a guy like that......Long distance does suck, but we have been talking about marriage in the very near future till the point her friends and family all know about it including this orbiter...

 

10 years? I assure you she sees him as a brother.

 

Would you stick around a woman for 10 years just to get lucky? Nah.

 

He has a girlfriend? or better, he has a boyfriend of his own?

[Fatezero1]

10 years? I assure you she sees him as a brother.

 

Would you stick around a woman for 10 years just to get lucky? Nah.

 

He has a girlfriend? or better, he has a boyfriend of his own?

 

 

Well that's only one of them, the other one has been around for about 3 or 4, don't really have a read on him. The only thing I know is she said she couldn't tell if he was interested in her when they met years before I came into the picture, and she said he started acting funny when she went off to talk to some other friends, and she couldn't tell if he was offended. Hes long distance to, but they talk a lot. She also lets me know when hes in town, like I said, she doesn't really hide anything from me...It's the guys I don't trust, me personally, I have cut off women I feel could potentially jeopardize my relationship, especially if im physically attracted to them, but I guess everyone isn't me. I don't want to end up contacting these women again out of pettiness or spite. The one you asked about his relationship, yes, He's single, and to my knowledge hes not gay, he does look like a guy women would want, muscular, nice dresser, the works..I asked her why is he still single, she just said he's too into himself, and no women is going to want that unless he changes.

Edited June 2, 2016 by Fatezero1

[Gaeta]

So how often do you and your girlfriend visit? When you are together does she put those friends aside or she continues entertaining them over text?

 

So you will go from long distance to marrying? no in between? no moving in together first? This is very risky.

 

I dated my ex-husband for 3 years and we were long distance. We spent our weekends together, summer and holidays. When we married within the first year I knew I had made a mistake. He was completely different (not in a good way) as a full time partner than as a long distance boyfriend.

[SugarLips72]

Clearly she knows these guy friends make you uncomfortable. I think it is odd she continues to hang out with them despite her knowing you don't like it. Any guy that is always hanging around a girl usually wants in her pants. Very few are ok with just being friends.

 

 

I have some guy friends but generally when I am seeing someone I see them a heck of a lot less. I don't want to do anything to jeopardize my relationship. So if she continues to hang with these guys she is showing a lack of respect for you. JMO of course.

[Fatezero1]

Clearly she knows these guy friends make you uncomfortable. I think it is odd she continues to hang out with them despite her knowing you don't like it. Any guy that is always hanging around a girl usually wants in her pants. Very few are ok with just being friends.

 

 

I have some guy friends but generally when I am seeing someone I see them a heck of a lot less. I don't want to do anything to jeopardize my relationship. So if she continues to hang with these guys she is showing a lack of respect for you. JMO of course.

 

You right, she doesn't really hang out with them, 1 she did until I said something about it. The other is longer distance than I am. She just text them a lot, but now that I know how much she talks to them quite a bit, I went from having really long enjoyable conversations with her to...Im fine...Thanks...hope you day goes well too...She has noticed this, but now I just feel awkward, girlfriend or not, its hard to want to talk to someone when you feel like you are in some kind of round robin of people she talks to...I speak to her on the phone a 3 or 4 nights a week. The last thing I want to do though is be texting her while she texting like 6 other friends, including these 2 guys.

[Fatezero1]

So how often do you and your girlfriend visit? When you are together does she put those friends aside or she continues entertaining them over text?

 

So you will go from long distance to marrying? no in between? no moving in together first? This is very risky.

 

I dated my ex-husband for 3 years and we were long distance. We spent our weekends together, summer and holidays. When we married within the first year I knew I had made a mistake. He was completely different (not in a good way) as a full time partner than as a long distance boyfriend.

 

 

 

When I saw her, I didn't really see her texting. When I was down there, she said hes calling, she will just call him back later. I seen her text him one other time, I think that was the same day she mentioned to me she doesn't understand why hes getting mad that he left the state and didn't tell her. There was one time I remember she clicked over for him when I was on the phone with her. I got annoyed hung up the phone, and did not pick back up when she called me. Those are the only occurrences I can really think of. I have a job and am saving, she has a job and is saving...so I wouldn't want to leave everything behind unless I had the assurance of her having a ring on her finger...as I want to move where she lives because the economy is better, better job market, less layoffs, less taxes, etc.

[Miss Peach]

Just wanted to give you a woman's perspective of being on the other side of this...

 

My issue is, when something gets under my skin, I usually pull away and distance myself, and then that's when they come trying to find out why am I acting funny. So internally, how do you deal with that?

 

FWIW I've noticed this with my BF. Usually I notice the change in his behavior and I ask him if something if wrong and he tells me. His withdrawing is one of the things I am cautious about now that he's bringing up marriage. Just wanted to offer a woman's perspective this may make her feel cautious with you.

 

Or when she came to visit me, he called mad that she didn't tell him she was coming to my state, and right in front of me she said why is it your business where I go?

 

It's good you don't bring it up over and over again unless you have an idea to resolve it. But this part seemed odd to me. It's good your GF put him in his place. But I would be wary too if a male friend was THAT possessive over me. I do agree he sounds more like an orbiter than a friend but I wonder why she's not seeing that.

 

I agree with the orbiter thing, I don't trust him, but I trust her. If he didn't get laid in 10 years, he has been failing miserably in my opinion.

 

Exactly. I doubt he has a legit chance with her even if you weren't with her.

 

It's the guys I don't trust, me personally, I have cut off women I feel could potentially jeopardize my relationship, especially if im physically attracted to them, but I guess everyone isn't me.

 

FWIW I did cut off all my obvious orbiters. I actually did this prior to BF because I just didn't want to waste time with them.

 

I have a few male friends who have been really good friends that hadn't been too supportive of my relationship with BF. They didn't do anything bad. They just didn't want to meet him and stuff like that. I put quite a bit of distance in those friendships, especially as things have progressed more and more serious with BF. I am still hesitant to completely end them because they have come through for me over and over. But I have told the male friends their attitude and behavior is why I put up certain boundaries and distance. They are starting to come around now and want to meet BF. I don't believe they want me per se but they are very introverted guys and I fulfill their needs for female interaction without feelings or drama or having to date and pick up women. That's what they seem to want out of it.

 

I dated my ex-husband for 3 years and we were long distance. We spent our weekends together, summer and holidays. When we married within the first year I knew I had made a mistake. He was completely different (not in a good way) as a full time partner than as a long distance boyfriend.

 

This is my biggest fear of LDRs. You can't see the person on a day to day basis and it's easy to miss things. I moved in with my XH to another city and I really wish I hadn't. I really didn't want to start my life over again in the new city but it was expensive and a lot of work to reestablish myself again in my old city.

 

Clearly she knows these guy friends make you uncomfortable. I think it is odd she continues to hang out with them despite her knowing you don't like it. Any guy that is always hanging around a girl usually wants in her pants. Very few are ok with just being friends.

 

While I do agree this is what I encounter 95% of the time there are some out there who are genuine. I wouldn't cut off my genuine friends for a guy; especially one I hadn't been with for awhile. Orbiters I totally agree with losing.

 

The thing that sounds potentially concerning to me is some women don't know this and they assume all these guys want to be around her for friendship. They are naive about it. I don't know your GF OP but this is something I would observe about her. Could she see something in advance with these guys if they were trying to cross the line. If she was naive that would make me a bit uncomfortable about it.

[Gaeta]

When I saw her, I didn't really see her texting. When I was down there, she said hes calling, she will just call him back later. I seen her text him one other time, I think that was the same day she mentioned to me she doesn't understand why hes getting mad that he left the state and didn't tell her. There was one time I remember she clicked over for him when I was on the phone with her. I got annoyed hung up the phone, and did not pick back up when she called me. Those are the only occurrences I can really think of. I have a job and am saving, she has a job and is saving...so I wouldn't want to leave everything behind unless I had the assurance of her having a ring on her finger...as I want to move where she lives because the economy is better, better job market, less layoffs, less taxes, etc.

 

You are not listening to me or understanding me. Being on a long distance relationship is nothing like being in a local one. I strongly suggest you move there and then you live together for a while before you decide to marry. You're gonna think it's a cliché but you don't really know a person when you date long distance because each visit is a celebration.

 

While you live together she needs to drop some of those friends. It will happen naturally as she gets more busy with you she'll have less time for them. It's the same for everyone. I used to have tons of friends and tons of text-friends then I met my boyfriend and I kept only the best friends. The others slowly faded away.