Being Unavailable

[WhirlwindGuy]

Since I have began dating around a year ago, I have been hearing this a lot: Play hard to get, your too available, women don't want someone who isn't a challenge, etc.

 

I think I have a good understanding of what this means, and why it is important but I would like to hear others ideas on what being unavailable means.

 

What I really want to know is how, what should I do? When I feel like I like someone, I typically make time to see and spend time with that person. I do nice things, I contact regularly, I show interest.

 

Should I pretend to not be interested? Should I not respond to texts? If she invites me over (or out), should I decline and do something else?

 

What are some suggestions on being "hard to get" without taking it too far?

[smackie9]

It's how you behave when you are together...like not being too attentive, too clingy/needy. Act cool, aloof, be mysterious, distant. When she tries for your attention, reward her with some special attention then pull away. It's called the push and pull method.

[clia]

To me, this simply means you should have your own life and plans. As a natural result, you won't always be available when she wants to get together (because you have other plans), you won't always be immediately responding to texts and calls ( because you are otherwise occupied), etc.

[PogoStick]

If you are too available it means you are living a lame life and that makes you less of a partner. It means you have too much time on your hands and your not doing much with your life. It also makes you seem desperate, like she is the only good thing in your life.

 

On the flip side, if you have a full time job, play on a casual sports team, have a hobby like learning a musical instrument, and have friends who you see on occasion, then you will naturally be less available for women. Then when you do make time for her it will mean something, and you'll be a far more interesting and deep person to date as well.

 

So, why are you so available? What are you doing with your time?

[truth_seeker]

I think being clingy is the issue not being too available. If you're into the person and it's hot and heavy, then yeah, I want to see them as much as possible with an occasional break in between (not stop dating but some space to recharge your batteries ).

 

I wouldn't be comfortable with my partner having too many hobbies and going out with her friends a lot. It opens the door for them to meet someone else, be influenced by other people.

[Gaeta]

Since I have began dating around a year ago, I have been hearing this a lot: Play hard to get, your too available, women don't want someone who isn't a challenge, etc.

 

I think I have a good understanding of what this means, and why it is important but I would like to hear others ideas on what being unavailable means.

 

What I really want to know is how, what should I do? When I feel like I like someone, I typically make time to see and spend time with that person. I do nice things, I contact regularly, I show interest.

 

Should I pretend to not be interested? Should I not respond to texts? If she invites me over (or out), should I decline and do something else?

 

What are some suggestions on being "hard to get" without taking it too far?

 

I think you need concrete example. It's not about being a challenge or being unavailable, it's about having your own life and taking time out of your own life to give her attention. It's not the same at all as you putting your own life aside to give her all of your attention.

 

No you should not ignore texts or decline dates invitations, that is silly. You say you understand what it means in your first paragraph but then you make a statement that obviously shows you do not.

 

What you need to give is sustained attention, not abundant attention. Abundant attention means you have nothing else going on in your life, that's too much pressure on a woman you're just starting to date.

 

Here I come with my example. When I met my boyfriend he text me ONE time PER DAY. He would text me in the morning to wish me a good day, we exchanged 2-3 texts and that was it. NO conversation over text. Then I would not hear from him all day because he has a life outside of me! and not hearing from him all day made me miss him, and that's a good thing. Then at night he'd give me a phone call and we'd talk 10 MINUTES to set up a date or talk about our day.

 

After about 1 month dating he dropped the text completely and he only used the phone to call me and he'd call each night around the same time. Again to touch base and make plans.

 

More we spent time together less texts and phone we used. We went from seeing each other 2 times a week, to 3 times, to seeing each other practically every day. When we saw each other 3 times a week there was no more texting.

 

Making time to see someone is good, contacting them is good but it needs to be done with progression and more time you see each other than less time you need to spend on the phone.

 

I sincerely believe if you want to kill a relationship then text her several times a day and it will kill all excitement and anticipation and it will kill it before it even has time to take off the ground.

[jen1447]

Should I pretend to not be interested? Should I not respond to texts? If she invites me over (or out), should I decline and do something else?

 

Yes, pretending to be sth you're not is always the answer.

 

Just be who you are. Even if you're not reeling them in day after day, at least you won't have to deal with any faking fallout.

[WhirlwindGuy]

If you are too available it means you are living a lame life and that makes you less of a partner. It means you have too much time on your hands and your not doing much with your life. It also makes you seem desperate, like she is the only good thing in your life.

 

On the flip side, if you have a full time job, play on a casual sports team, have a hobby like learning a musical instrument, and have friends who you see on occasion, then you will naturally be less available for women. Then when you do make time for her it will mean something, and you'll be a far more interesting and deep person to date as well.

 

So, why are you so available? What are you doing with your time?

 

 

 

Strangely enough, I do all of these things. I play on a softball team, we play on Mondays and practice at least one other time per week. I play basketball a few times a week after work (usually 6 to 10). I have a pretty demanding career. I have a pretty active set of friends. That said, I still make her a priority and alter plans if or when she has time to hang out. I guess maybe I shouldn't do that?

 

 

Typically (so far) our weeks, when I have my son on the weekend, consist of hanging out Wednesday and Thursday, and when I don't have my son we hang out Thursday through Sunday, or Monday morning before work.

[WhirlwindGuy]

I think you need concrete example. It's not about being a challenge or being unavailable, it's about having your own life and taking time out of your own life to give her attention. It's not the same at all as you putting your own life aside to give her all of your attention.

 

No you should not ignore texts or decline dates invitations, that is silly. You say you understand what it means in your first paragraph but then you make a statement that obviously shows you do not.

 

What you need to give is sustained attention, not abundant attention. Abundant attention means you have nothing else going on in your life, that's too much pressure on a woman you're just starting to date.

 

Here I come with my example. When I met my boyfriend he text me ONE time PER DAY. He would text me in the morning to wish me a good day, we exchanged 2-3 texts and that was it. NO conversation over text. Then I would not hear from him all day because he has a life outside of me! and not hearing from him all day made me miss him, and that's a good thing. Then at night he'd give me a phone call and we'd talk 10 MINUTES to set up a date or talk about our day.

 

After about 1 month dating he dropped the text completely and he only used the phone to call me and he'd call each night around the same time. Again to touch base and make plans.

 

More we spent time together less texts and phone we used. We went from seeing each other 2 times a week, to 3 times, to seeing each other practically every day. When we saw each other 3 times a week there was no more texting.

 

Making time to see someone is good, contacting them is good but it needs to be done with progression and more time you see each other than less time you need to spend on the phone.

 

I sincerely believe if you want to kill a relationship then text her several times a day and it will kill all excitement and anticipation and it will kill it before it even has time to take off the ground.

 

 

I like this; great example. Im totally new to this dating thing obviously. I came out of a 10 year marriage. In marriage you are always available, so that's what I know I guess.

 

 

Thank you.

[Gaeta]

Strangely enough, I do all of these things. I play on a softball team, we play on Mondays and practice at least one other time per week. I play basketball a few times a week after work (usually 6 to 10). I have a pretty demanding career. I have a pretty active set of friends. That said, I still make her a priority and alter plans if or when she has time to hang out. I guess maybe I shouldn't do that?

Do not alter plans to 'hang out' with her. You alter plans when it's something important like a birthday party, dinner with her parents type of things but not just to hang out when you already spend a lot of time with her. That's what we call having a life of your own. You have to have other priorities.

 

 

Typically (so far) our weeks, when I have my son on the weekend, consist of hanging out Wednesday and Thursday, and when I don't have my son we hang out Thursday through Sunday, or Monday morning before work.

You spend together from Thursday to Monday morning? That is A LOT of time. You don't need to text that woman through the days when you're not together just give her a quick call the nights you're not together and don't hold her on the phone.

 

How long have you been dating?

[Gaeta]

Whirlwind: When do you think this woman has time to miss you?

 

How long have you been single?

[WhirlwindGuy]

Do not alter plans to 'hang out' with her. You alter plans when it's something important like a birthday party, dinner with her parents type of things but not just to hang out when you already spend a lot of time with her. That's what we call having a life of your own. You have to have other priorities.

 

 

You spend together from Thursday to Monday morning? That is A LOT of time. You don't need to text that woman through the days when you're not together just give her a quick call the nights you're not together and don't hold her on the phone.

 

How long have you been dating?

 

Just over 1 month, so this isn't really a trend, its just kind of how it has worked the last couple of weeks. We discussed a pace, and both agree leaving the beginning of the week to catch up on chores and life, and hanging out toward the end of the week or on the weekends.

 

 

We don't text a ton, probably once every couple of hours during the work day, mostly to talk about plans.

 

 

For instance, she is off Friday. I decided to take the day off Friday as well and we are talking about going to the beach this weekend. We've been discussing plans for this weekend here and there. Occasionally we will start a question and answer game via email throughout the day, sending "get to know you" type questions and responding to them when we have time.

[WhirlwindGuy]

Whirlwind: When do you think this woman has time to miss you?

 

How long have you been single?

 

 

 

I'm not sure, probably not much...she is the one typically initiating the get togethers though.

 

 

I have been single (not married) around 1.5 years. I've went out with three potential girls in that time frame that, over time, weren't for me.

[LookAtThisPOst]

If you are too available it means you are living a lame life and that makes you less of a partner. It means you have too much time on your hands and your not doing much with your life. It also makes you seem desperate, like she is the only good thing in your life.

 

On the flip side, if you have a full time job, play on a casual sports team, have a hobby like learning a musical instrument, and have friends who you see on occasion, then you will naturally be less available for women. Then when you do make time for her it will mean something, and you'll be a far more interesting and deep person to date as well.

 

So, why are you so available? What are you doing with your time?

 

What's ironic is, I know established couples that have been together for years that pretty much have themselves going on in their lives.

 

Are they desperate...for each other? Do they have nothing going for them because they are with each other always?

[Gaeta]

We don't text a ton, probably once every couple of hours during the work day, mostly to talk about plans.

Once every couple of hours! I would call that a ton Whirlwind! You don't need to text during work hours. This will kill your romance in a heart-beat. Between 9 to 5 your priority is work (and posting in LS ;-)) I strongly suggest you stop this texting each couple of hours. You text in the morning, exchange a few words, then say 'have a nice day sweetie talk tonight', and that's it.

 

For instance, she is off Friday. I decided to take the day off Friday as well and we are talking about going to the beach this weekend.

TOO MUCH. Why did you take Friday off when you had the weekend together? Again, take days off for special events like attending her sister's wedding. I would never EVER take a day off to hang out with someone I have been dating 1 month, heck I don't take days off to spend time with my bf of 6 months! That is an example of you being too available. Let her spend a day on her own, let her miss you.

 

 

We've been discussing plans for this weekend here and there. Occasionally we will start a question and answer game via email throughout the day, sending "get to know you" type questions and responding to them when we have time.

 

Stop that. You're over killing it. Stop the emailing and texting through the day. STOP IT. I know it feels good but even too much of a good thing is bad. I love chocolate and if I didn't control myself I'd have it all day but what do you think is gonna happen if I have chocolate all day long? I will get an indigestion and suddenly I won't be able to smell chocolate without having nausea.

[smackie9]

You know what.....everyone is different. Some people are ok with texting each other on their breaks, some are ok with sticking to a schedule and making plans, some are ok with not talking to each other for a few days.....as long as you both like the pace it's going and there doesn't seem to be any issues then don't fix what isn't broke.

[Gaeta]

You know what.....everyone is different. Some people are ok with texting each other on their breaks, some are ok with sticking to a schedule and making plans, some are ok with not talking to each other for a few days.....as long as you both like the pace it's going and there doesn't seem to be any issues then don't fix what isn't broke.

 

In his last thread his gf tells him he is too available.

[WhirlwindGuy]

In his last thread his gf tells him he is too available.

 

 

 

Yes, she said this, and then followed it up with "im just teasing you"

 

 

So I know, truth is often said in jest...but, I get this a lot from her. She makes comments like this, but then is just as available, if not more available than I am.

 

 

I asked her explicitly early on, "Are you the type that enjoys lots of contact and hanging out?" She said yes, she was.

 

 

I agree with both of you though, I think we need to do what works for us, but since she is obviously still cruising the dating sites, for my own mental health, I should pull it back some.

[Gaeta]

but since she is obviously still cruising the dating sites, for my own mental health, I should pull it back some.

 

Are you serious? You spend 4 days a week together, you take days off to be with her, you talk through every day and she is still cruising online?

[WhirlwindGuy]

Are you serious? You spend 4 days a week together, you take days off to be with her, you talk through every day and she is still cruising online?

 

 

 

I am serious...I haven't confronted her about it yet, its only been a month, but it is a little confusing, yes.

 

 

We haven't had any exclusivity talk, so i'm not necessarily holding it against her. I am just thinking I am obviously way more in than she is, and I probably need to reign it in some.

[Gaeta]

I am serious...I haven't confronted her about it yet, its only been a month, but it is a little confusing, yes.

 

 

We haven't had any exclusivity talk, so i'm not necessarily holding it against her. I am just thinking I am obviously way more in than she is, and I probably need to reign it in some.

 

1 month in, sexually active, spend 4 days a week together, it's more than time to talk exclusivity.

[WhirlwindGuy]

1 month in, sexually active, spend 4 days a week together, it's more than time to talk exclusivity.

 

 

 

I agree. I have decided to bring it up this coming weekend.

[Gloria25]

Having a life is cool, but intentionally making yourself unavailable is not cool...

 

Thing is a communication. You two have to talk it out and come up with time for each other and expectations that satisfy both of you two.

 

Right now I seem to be having that issue with my current guy. Our schedules and stuff going on was a biggie as to why I didn't get to start something with him for a while and now that we hit it off and work to make it "work", I thought we were past that issue

 

I don't know, I think he sees it as me having a lack of interest and yes, that's an issue if someone thinks that you're acting busy when you're not. I'm now wondering if he's acting busy when he's not. Communication people!!!!

[PogoStick]

Sounds like you have your life going on with the sports which is good. Of course, we're talking in generalities but you and your GF could be the exceptions so you have to take all advice with a grain of salt.

 

That being said, the psychology of scarcity is appealing. People pay big money for rare things, regardless of how practical or useful they are. Being too available signals to the girl that your life is boring, that perception matters even if your life is exciting. It signals that you are lower value. It lets her take you for granted.

 

You're signaling that you don't have other options which raises her value relative to yours. Subconsciously it makes her believe that she's too good to be with you.

 

 

And, it's simply less exciting. You value things you have to work for. Part of the excitement of dating is the chase, winning the person. Like Gaeta mentioned, "time to miss you" is important. That's why the midweek communication is a romance killer. Being less available and more mysterious means she has to meet you to learn more about you. She gets to be excited the entire week thinking about the next time she gets to see you just so she can have another conversation.

 

Your heart is in the right place but in general your approach is counterproductive.

[smackie9]

Well if she is saying you are being too available (jokingly) she is pretty much letting you know not to invest in this too much because she is still looking....