Dating… I Clearly Can’t Handle It Anymore

[ZA Dater]

It's hugely difficult to continue after repeated disappointment harder still when everyone else has a partner. I can't really suggest anything barring to decide if you want to continue or just take a break from it.

[Lovelorn00]

LL, how long have you been tolerating this crap from him?

 

When I said choose wisely from the getgo, the getgo is within the first six weeks.

 

If a guy starts pulling this crap with you within the first six weeks (that is not a hard rule by the way).... then you are still choosing him, choosing to stay with him, same thing.

 

Like I said, for me, FIRST SIGN of that crap, I next him. It is still early so isn't really that difficult, not for me anyway.

 

He is showing you his colors so why stick around..... hate to say this, but that's kinda on you.

 

YOU walk away. YOU make the decision. You will feel way better I promise, because you are in control, NOT him.

 

I just want you to find that great guy and the longer you stay with these bozos who give you breadcrumbs, the longer it will take for you to meet the man you are supposed to be with.

 

Also by staying with these bozos, hoping they change or whatevs, you are becoming more and more frustrated...maybe even bitter, and any future man you meet will sense that too, making it even harder for you to find that right man for you.

 

JMO LL, as I said take it with a grain of salt if you want.

 

We started seeing each other at the end of April, so we're right at 6 weeks. The rational side of me says, "Hey, this is new. You can't expect him to text you all the time." He DID clearly tell me that he hated text messaging and that he can sometimes get really busy with work. However, the other side of me says, "This is a clear change in behavior. Inconsistencies in behavior = lack of interest." I don't want to NEXT someone based on an irrational decision, but I also don't wanna turn into a fool by hanging around when someone doesn't want me around. It's a very tough decision. I'm 90% gone, though. The way he makes me feel - the anxiety, uneasiness, the wondering - that's not a good sign at all. I feel like this is a textbook case of lost interest, and I think I'm just gonna cut my losses and back away.

[Lovelorn00]

It's hugely difficult to continue after repeated disappointment harder still when everyone else has a partner. I can't really suggest anything barring to decide if you want to continue or just take a break from it.

 

I think it would be wise for me to take a break from it at this point. It's getting to the point where I can't trust men anymore AT ALL, and I EXPECT the crappiest behavior out of all of them. I know, deep down, that it's not true, but I know that going into a dating situation with that attitude will only set me up for failure. I hate that I've gotten to this place, but here I am.

[Laprus9]

Some people are just meant to be on their own, I know I am and at first it was a bitter pill to swallow, but now I am content and wouldn't swap single life for anything in the world.

[Lovelorn00]

Some people are just meant to be on their own, I know I am and at first it was a bitter pill to swallow, but now I am content and wouldn't swap single life for anything in the world.

 

I hate to admit it, but I'm starting to think I'm just one of those people. I don't want to be, but SOMEbody's gotta be, right? How did you find peace with it?

[Laprus9]

I hate to admit it, but I'm starting to think I'm just one of those people. I don't want to be, but SOMEbody's gotta be, right? How did you find peace with it?

 

Well I figured that since I've always been on my own apart from one relationship many years ago that I had better get used to it and I got used to it and eventually became happier, content and now I wouldn't change it for the world. I love being single.

 

There are cons with being single but the pros outweigh the cons to me. I look at myself and then I look at the life of your average Iraqi and I feel blessed to be alive and I'm making the most of life. We've only got one life, so we might as well enjoy it while it lasts.

[Lovelorn00]

Well I figured that since I've always been on my own apart from one relationship many years ago that I had better get used to it and I got used to it and eventually became happier, content and now I wouldn't change it for the world. I love being single.

 

There are cons with being single but the pros outweigh the cons to me. I look at myself and then I look at the life of your average Iraqi and I feel blessed to be alive and I'm making the most of life. We've only got one life, so we might as well enjoy it while it lasts.

 

That's great advice - thanks! I am truly blessed in almost every other aspect of my life. There are just days when the loneliness sets in. I'll have a bad day at work, and I literally have no one to talk to about it. I try to distract myself with various activities, but there's still a deep yearning there for meaningful, loving relationship and connection.

 

And it's not just the loneliness. There's an actual thing called "skin hunger" which is the lack of affection, in the physical sense. The "hunger" for romantic touch (even if it's just a nice, warm embrace) can be overwhelming sometimes. I haven't quite figured out how to do without that yet.

[tinkerbell16]

You know what's funny? I just got a "back from Mars" text from a guy that I posted about MONTHS ago. He sent me a photo of a beautiful sunset and said he was "thinking about me". WTF? After 2-3 months of no contact, you're "thinking about me" suddenly? I JUST DON'T GET GUYS.

 

Nope is right. What you're dealing with, what I'm dealing with - it's bs. We need to be done with these clowns.

 

We are living parallel lives (unfortunately). I ALSO got a text from a guy from 4 mos ago this week saying he missed me and wanted to see me. Made arrangements to meet for coffee then nada.

The way you describe your appearance, sounds like mine as well. I also look younger than my age, petite, blonde, fit... I work hard at my physique and I am proud to show it so at times I wear fitted clothes. I also love a high healed shoe (duh, I am a girl Is this the issue? Is this attracting the wrong guys? I dunno, possibly, I mean, I am far from "easy"... but maybe this is what they assume and once they get to know me (us) and see that I have substance, values, level head they don't know what to do with it. A man's perspective would be beneficial. Maybe you and I need to adjust our appearance... ugh.. bye bye manolo blahniks??? lol

[tinkerbell16]

Guys... what is a good response? I think nada or should I explain I am less than enthused to meet someone who takes 4 days to respond. I mean as a public service to all the clueless guys...lol

 

Mars update!!! My alien Mars guy said he WAS ON A BOAT... for 4 days.... no cell phone service! He showed me photos where he was clearly on a boat, in the middle of the ocean (before I could even ask about the incommunicado) He has been decent with communication since his return. We will see how this goes ladies...

[tinkerbell16]

We started seeing each other at the end of April, so we're right at 6 weeks. The rational side of me says, "Hey, this is new. You can't expect him to text you all the time." He DID clearly tell me that he hated text messaging and that he can sometimes get really busy with work. However, the other side of me says, "This is a clear change in behavior. Inconsistencies in behavior = lack of interest." I don't want to NEXT someone based on an irrational decision, but I also don't wanna turn into a fool by hanging around when someone doesn't want me around. It's a very tough decision. I'm 90% gone, though. The way he makes me feel - the anxiety, uneasiness, the wondering - that's not a good sign at all. I feel like this is a textbook case of lost interest, and I think I'm just gonna cut my losses and back away.

 

I predict if you pull back a bit... with no outburst or break up... he will be back hot and heavy in a few weeks. If he is an aquarius maybe a few months lol

[katiegrl]

We started seeing each other at the end of April, so we're right at 6 weeks. The rational side of me says, "Hey, this is new. You can't expect him to text you all the time." He DID clearly tell me that he hated text messaging and that he can sometimes get really busy with work. However, the other side of me says, "This is a clear change in behavior. Inconsistencies in behavior = lack of interest." I don't want to NEXT someone based on an irrational decision, but I also don't wanna turn into a fool by hanging around when someone doesn't want me around. It's a very tough decision. I'm 90% gone, though.

 

The way he makes me feel - the anxiety, uneasiness, the wondering - that's not a good sign at all. I feel like this is a textbook case of lost interest, and I think I'm just gonna cut my losses and back away.

 

LL, this is what stood out for me in your original post:

 

 

I’ve been trying to forget about it and move on, but I ended up inviting him out last weekend out of boredom, and he accepted rather enthusiastically. We spent the whole night together – talking, laughing, sharing intimate stories about our lives. And now? Crickets. We’re back to radio silence and 24-hour response times. WTF? Not to mention he is still active on the dating site where we met (whatever, fair enough).

 

 

Could you clarify what you meant by you asked him out of boredom? Are you into him.... or just bored? I am confused.

 

Also, him still being on the dating site IMO is not "fair enough."

 

You have been dating six weeks.... this would not be acceptable for me.... AT ALL.

 

And yes clearly he is still keeping his options open, again NOT acceptable to me.

 

I only date men who who are 100% into ME and I them. We both know very quickly that we are into each other and choose to focus only on each other to see where it will lead if anywhere.

 

We are both looking for RL which is our goal.

 

If this is YOUR goal, then stay away from men who are inconsistent, send mixed messages, cause you to feel on edge, anxious and confused..... and who continue to keep options open after meeting you and dating you.

 

Trust me, when a man meets a woman who knocks his socks off, he is NOT gonna want to be searching for and/or dating other women off a dating site or anywhere else. Regardless of whether or not you have had the "exclusivity talk."

 

BE that woman.

If not, it's next.

 

It's a fairly simple concept. Have a high regard for yourself and what you want and need and DO NOT settle for less.

Edited June 3, 2016 by katiegrl

[eternalspotless]

I feel the same way. The thought of looking at another profile makes my stomach hurt. Lol

 

Lol, I signed up to some dating website and felt this exact way when I saw a profile. Ugh.

[Lovelorn00]

We are living parallel lives (unfortunately). I ALSO got a text from a guy from 4 mos ago this week saying he missed me and wanted to see me. Made arrangements to meet for coffee then nada.

The way you describe your appearance, sounds like mine as well. I also look younger than my age, petite, blonde, fit... I work hard at my physique and I am proud to show it so at times I wear fitted clothes. I also love a high healed shoe (duh, I am a girl Is this the issue? Is this attracting the wrong guys? I dunno, possibly, I mean, I am far from "easy"... but maybe this is what they assume and once they get to know me (us) and see that I have substance, values, level head they don't know what to do with it. A man's perspective would be beneficial. Maybe you and I need to adjust our appearance... ugh.. bye bye manolo blahniks??? lol

 

Lol! We DO indeed sound like the same person! I can't tell you how good it feels to know that I’m not experiencing these things alone. You and I are definitely in this together, tinkerbell.

 

As far as the 4-months-ago guy… what you and I have just experienced is called a dating “zombie.” Lol It’s when a “ghost” comes “back from the dead” and tries to meet up/hang out again. My 4-month ghost did the same thing. We texted this past weekend. He then made up excuses about why he suddenly couldn’t meet up, but he’ll “let me know” the next time he comes to town. Whatever. Number deleted.

 

And no! Heck no! I love the way that I look. I used to have low self-esteem, but I’ve finally gotten to the place where I think I’m beautiful (and so do others, I might add). I’m not going to change for anyone. Particularly because I don’t actually think I’m being too sexy at all. I don’t wear heels all that much, but I wear tight jeans and have a fit figure. I like that about myself, so I’m not going to change it.

 

You alluded to this in your post above, but I think maybe the problem is that these men don’t know what to do with someone who is the “whole package.” I’m intelligent, successful, attractive, healthy, active, fun, easygoing. I’m also spiritual, I have values, and I’m able to talk about deep, meaningful things. I do wonder if many of these men are just so intimidated by it, they can’t handle it. Like you said, they’re thrown when a beautiful girl also has substance and intelligence.

 

I don’t know. At least, that’s what I tell myself to keep myself sane. LOL

[Lovelorn00]

Mars update!!! My alien Mars guy said he WAS ON A BOAT... for 4 days.... no cell phone service! He showed me photos where he was clearly on a boat, in the middle of the ocean (before I could even ask about the incommunicado) He has been decent with communication since his return. We will see how this goes ladies...

 

Okay, okay. I'll give him that. That's actually a valid excuse. Lol

[Lovelorn00]

I predict if you pull back a bit... with no outburst or break up... he will be back hot and heavy in a few weeks. If he is an aquarius maybe a few months lol

 

Doubtful. Lol I called it earlier in the thread. He totally ghosted on me. We had one last (amazing) date about a week and a half ago, and I’ve not heard a word from him since. Well, I take that back - he DID initiate contact with me two days after our date. Wanted to ask me if I had heard about a concert that was coming to town soon. We chatted a bit that day, but that was it. That was a week ago. I’ve since sent more messages that have gone unanswered, and now I kinda feel like an idiot, because I just officially got ghosted. I feel so dumb, because I totally saw this coming earlier in my thread, yet still allowed this to happen. At this point, I have to take full blame. I should’ve cut it off at the first sign of weirdness. At least there’s a lesson in this experience.

[Lovelorn00]

LL, this is what stood out for me in your original post:

 

 

 

Could you clarify what you meant by you asked him out of boredom? Are you into him.... or just bored? I am confused.

 

I’m into him, but I was trying to move on and get over him. That night, I was planning on going out alone, because I was bored and just needed to get out of the house. However, I didn’t exactly want to go out alone. Don’t get me wrong, I’m cool going out alone – I do it all the time, but I remember reading posts about women who take initiative and go after what they want, yadda yadda. So, I took the initiative and invited him out, and he excepted.

 

 

Also, him still being on the dating site IMO is not "fair enough."

 

You have been dating six weeks.... this would not be acceptable for me.... AT ALL.

 

And yes clearly he is still keeping his options open, again NOT acceptable to me.

 

I only date men who who are 100% into ME and I them. We both know very quickly that we are into each other and choose to focus only on each other to see where it will lead if anywhere.

 

We are both looking for RL which is our goal.

 

If this is YOUR goal, then stay away from men who are inconsistent, send mixed messages, cause you to feel on edge, anxious and confused..... and who continue to keep options open after meeting you and dating you.

 

Trust me, when a man meets a woman who knocks his socks off, he is NOT gonna want to be searching for and/or dating other women off a dating site or anywhere else. Regardless of whether or not you have had the "exclusivity talk."

 

BE that woman.

If not, it's next.

 

It's a fairly simple concept. Have a high regard for yourself and what you want and need and DO NOT settle for less.

 

Definitely good advice, and I need to learn from it for sure. However, there is another side to this story. When I first begin dating someone, I keep my own options open and continue to talk to and/or date other people. It’s helpful for me to do this, because I tend to put all of my eggs (and hopes) into one basket. So, multi-dating is a way for me to avoid doing that. Both of us were still on the dating site where we met. In fact, I actually let it slip once that I was out with someone else (it was an accident, long story), and he showed clear jealousy. He’s mentioned it every time we’ve hung out in a sort of roundabout way. “So… um, I’m assuming you’re seeing other people still?” is what he says. The truth is that I had been on a couple of dates with another dude, but I wasn’t interested in him (and he’s also since ghosted on me). I wonder if my seeing other people actually caused him to think I wasn’t into him, so he lost interest. Thoughts?

[JuneJulySeptember]

 

You alluded to this in your post above, but I think maybe the problem is that these men don’t know what to do with someone who is the “whole package.” I’m intelligent, successful, attractive, healthy, active, fun, easygoing. I’m also spiritual, I have values, and I’m able to talk about deep, meaningful things. I do wonder if many of these men are just so intimidated by it, they can’t handle it. Like you said, they’re thrown when a beautiful girl also has substance and intelligence.

 

To me, just if I'm being perfectly honest, that would be a turnoff.

 

I went on a few dates with a woman and she was talking about how she is cute, intelligent, and likeable. And it doesn't mesh with the way I think.

 

But then again, I look for nice, cute shmucks. Because that is what I am ... a nice shmuck.

 

I want a woman who is far from perfect. If a woman is so awesome and fun that she has done everything and seen everything, then it's impossible for me to charm her and show her things.

 

If she's super interesting and every single story is a cool, funny anecdote from trips to France or Bolivia, well I don't have that going on...

 

But plenty of men want what you got. Plenty.

Edited June 8, 2016 by JuneJulySeptember

[Lovelorn00]

To me, just if I'm being perfectly honest, that would be a turnoff.

 

I went on a few dates with a woman and she was talking about how she is cute, intelligent, and likeable. And it doesn't mesh with the way I think.

 

But then again, I look for nice, cute shmucks. Because that is what I am ... a nice shmuck.

 

I want a woman who is far from perfect. If a woman is so awesome and fun that she has done everything and seen everything, then it's impossible for me to charm her and show her things.

 

If she's super interesting and every single story is a cool, funny anecdote from trips to France or Bolivia, well I don't have that going on...

 

But plenty of men want what you got. Plenty.

 

Thanks, JuneJulySeptember. To be fair, I would never say any of those things about myself in person. Never. That would make me a bit conceited. However, I will freely admit those things in a forum about relationships solely because I think it would be helpful for those who are interested in helping me figure out my dating failures. If anything, those folks can now rule out “unattractive, lacks confidence, boring, etc.” when trying to figure out where I keep going wrong. If that makes any sense.

 

I do understand what you’re saying, though. Not too long ago, I came across the dating profile of a guy who was clearly well-traveled. I am not. He had 25+ pictures of himself doing exciting, adventurous things. Scuba diving, hiking in the jungle, etc. His summary section was a lengthy description of all of his various adventures. It was too much. I was turned off. He didn’t talk at all about what he was looking for in a partner or what kind of person he is. Don’t get me wrong – I love adventures, and I seek them every chance I get. But I’d like to date someone who is interested in exploring WITH me. Not someone who has “been there, done that,” so I totally get what you’re saying.

 

Again, I would never tell someone my list of positive attributes on a date, and I don’t consider myself to be perfect. I’m actually quite quirky in person. I do, however, think that I’m a catch, and perhaps these men weren’t expecting that upon first glance.

[tinkerbell16]

Lol! We DO indeed sound like the same person! I can't tell you how good it feels to know that I’m not experiencing these things alone. You and I are definitely in this together, tinkerbell.

 

As far as the 4-months-ago guy… what you and I have just experienced is called a dating “zombie.” Lol It’s when a “ghost” comes “back from the dead” and tries to meet up/hang out again. My 4-month ghost did the same thing. We texted this past weekend. He then made up excuses about why he suddenly couldn’t meet up, but he’ll “let me know” the next time he comes to town. Whatever. Number deleted.

 

And no! Heck no! I love the way that I look. I used to have low self-esteem, but I’ve finally gotten to the place where I think I’m beautiful (and so do others, I might add). I’m not going to change for anyone. Particularly because I don’t actually think I’m being too sexy at all. I don’t wear heels all that much, but I wear tight jeans and have a fit figure. I like that about myself, so I’m not going to change it.

 

You alluded to this in your post above, but I think maybe the problem is that these men don’t know what to do with someone who is the “whole package.” I’m intelligent, successful, attractive, healthy, active, fun, easygoing. I’m also spiritual, I have values, and I’m able to talk about deep, meaningful things. I do wonder if many of these men are just so intimidated by it, they can’t handle it. Like you said, they’re thrown when a beautiful girl also has substance and intelligence.

 

I don’t know. At least, that’s what I tell myself to keep myself sane. LOL

 

The more you describe yourself the more you do sound like me , spiritual, quirky, active, funny, we are doppelgangers lol.

Men are some strange creatures for sure... I unexpectedly ran into my ex husband today (my mid life crises bailed after 30 years together ex husband) and he winked at me. Yep, winked. Like "hey baby" "how you doin'?". This from a guy who apparently didn't think I was enough 2 years ago. I don't revisit that mess. No thanks. Got off that crazy train and dont want back on. I do appreciate the insight from the male prospective commenting on how one can be too perfect. Like you said I don't claim to be perfect nor do I speak of my qualities. The "perfect" comments came from former dates. I even started a thread about why guys dissappear when it's "perfect" because it had happened to me twice. I have had enough time pass now that I see it was about their insecurities and measuring up to me and also not knowing how they could make me happy when I already had my shi* together. I do think men naturally need to feel needed and when they meet a successful woman that can hold their own they get insecure not knowing what their role is. From our perspective we are a catch but from theirs they feel they have nothing to offer that we don't already have so to speak. The male ego is a fragile one for sure and I am learning to be sensitive to it.

On my 4 month zombie guy... love that term haha. I just remembered one of the last conversations we had he said I am "exactly what he is looking for" and then he had a long pause and said he wasn't sure he was what I was looking for... so basically he was feeling insecure.

Mars guy update: He has been decent with communication since last week. 3rd date planned. There is zero anxiety with this one. That is a direct reflection of were I am at mentally. It's a great place Will keep you updated

[tinkerbell16]

Okay, okay. I'll give him that. That's actually a valid excuse. Lol

 

Yep he owns a boat and a plane... I will now focus my anxieties into how I look in a bathing suit... and my fear of flying lol and that maybe he is a drug lord. Kidding! Heehee

[Lovelorn00]

I do think men naturally need to feel needed and when they meet a successful woman that can hold their own they get insecure not knowing what their role is. From our perspective we are a catch but from theirs they feel they have nothing to offer that we don't already have so to speak. The male ego is a fragile one for sure and I am learning to be sensitive to it.

 

Ah, this is spot-on, and it’s taken me a LOOOOOOOOOONG time to understand this. I actually still struggle with it quite a bit. I never in my life thought that the reason this happens could be because men feel like they have nothing to offer. I always thought it was me and my flaws. I was raised by a single mom, so I’ve been taught to be fiercely independent. I’ve never relied on a man for any of my needs. EVER. But I can definitely see how that can be intimidating. Like you, I’m slowly learning that the male ego is a lot more fragile than I previously thought. Looking back, I actually do think his “ghosting” was due to the fact that I was still on the dating site. That would totally bother me if it was the other way around. I never got a chance to tell him that I was really only interested in him. Now that I think of it this way, I can understand his behavior a little more, but I still think that “ghosting” on someone is completely rude and disrespectful, especially after 6 weeks of intimate dating.

 

I’m glad that things got resolved with the Mars guy. Just goes to show that one can never jump to conclusions about why someone didn’t reply. In my case, though, I’m pretty sure I won’t be hearing back from him.

[Lovelorn00]

Yep he owns a boat and a plane... I will now focus my anxieties into how I look in a bathing suit... and my fear of flying lol and that maybe he is a drug lord. Kidding! Heehee

 

Ha! Oh dear. Maybe do a quick Google search on him, just to make sure? Lol

Sounds like a fun guy, though. Congrats!

[tinkerbell16]

Ha! Oh dear. Maybe do a quick Google search on him, just to make sure? Lol

Sounds like a fun guy, though. Congrats!

 

Lol he is a doctor. We will see. I am taking it verrrryyy slow and he seems to be respectful of my boundaries. So far so good. I will likely never get in his plane though. I am not to keen on heights

[tinkerbell16]

Ah, this is spot-on, and it’s taken me a LOOOOOOOOOONG time to understand this. I actually still struggle with it quite a bit. I never in my life thought that the reason this happens could be because men feel like they have nothing to offer. I always thought it was me and my flaws. I was raised by a single mom, so I’ve been taught to be fiercely independent. I’ve never relied on a man for any of my needs. EVER. But I can definitely see how that can be intimidating. Like you, I’m slowly learning that the male ego is a lot more fragile than I previously thought. Looking back, I actually do think his “ghosting” was due to the fact that I was still on the dating site. That would totally bother me if it was the other way around. I never got a chance to tell him that I was really only interested in him. Now that I think of it this way, I can understand his behavior a little more, but I still think that “ghosting” on someone is completely rude and disrespectful, especially after 6 weeks of intimate dating.

 

I’m glad that things got resolved with the Mars guy. Just goes to show that one can never jump to conclusions about why someone didn’t reply. In my case, though, I’m pretty sure I won’t be hearing back from him.

 

It can be mind boggling the whole ghosting thing but I would just keep in mind the right man won't ghost you. A really beautiful thing about really good love is it doesn't create this anxious feelings at all. It is just real and honest. So actually in a way when they ghost they are doing us a favor by "firing" themselves before we even realize they will not be right for this job lol