Husband will not stop going out to the bars

[melstar1979]

Hello~

 

I am new to all of this, and I am purely doing this out of complete desperation. I have been faithfully married and devoted to my husband for 19 years. He is 45 years old. We have an 11 year old daughter. For about the last year my husband has been going out 4-5 nights a week. This has been a real problem for our marriage because no matter what approach I take he will not stop this behavior. In peaceful times he has even admitted that he knows he is going out a ridiculous amount and that he will stop when he sees me making an effort.

 

What he is saying by me making an effort is by me losing weight. This is far too hard to explain and most people do not understand, but ever since I have met my husband the way I look is a huge importance for him. Over the last year I have gained some weight, and it has been a burden. I know many people who read this will say he is shallow and should love me regardless, and I understand your views but please understand mine, I knew my husband was like this and what a huge priority is was to his happiness when I married him, so in all honesty my weight is not a new issue, it is something I signed on to and agreed to since I have known him, so I am not making excuses for him but I am being open-minded to what he is saying.

 

He is saying he has been very unhappy with me because I have not lost the weight and I have not shown that I care about him by not doing anything about it. So this is his excuse for going out to the bars and staying out until 2, 3, 4 am. He has told me that once he sees progress in my weight loss he will stop his out of control going out. We will do things together and be happier together. This conversation happened about 3 months ago.

 

Since then I have lost 34 lbs, and 3 weeks ago he took me out on our motorcycle for the first time in a very long time and he stopped going out 4-5 nights a week. It was great. I would like to mention that I do not have any issues with my husband going out a few (2) nights a week to softball or for a few beers, or once a week. I do not mind that at all, he should be able to go out with his friends and have fun by himself sometimes. But the 4-5 nights a week, the leaving family get togethers before everyone else so that he can go directly to the bar, the driving separately to family get togethers so he can go out directly after to the bar, the calling me at work and telling me to make sure I am home by a certain time even if I have to leave early so that he can go out to the bars, the constant disappointing our daughter every time he goes out, and the literally waiting at the front door with the door open and his keys in his hand as soon as I pull in the driveway because he is in such a hurry to leave, is the issue.

 

Everything was great for those few short weeks, then it all changed back and has flipped around again. He is back to going out 5 nights a week and even taking weekend overnighter trips with his buddies. Which I probably wouldn't mind if he wasn't doing all this going out to the bars on top of it.

 

I have tried everything I can think of to get this to stop, that is why I am reaching out here for solid advice on a course of action. Here are the keys points I would please ask you to think of:

My husband is NOT an alcoholic- my husband is sexually taken care of extremely well almost nightly by myself, I have made sure of this to combat any cheating paranoia that I have (doesn't mean he wouldn't still be, but just offering this information so that you know the facts), my husband often goes out alone, saying he is just going by himself, he also goes with friends.

 

He goes out 4-5 nights a week sometimes more- he works 12 hour days on Friday, Saturday and Sunday, so this leaves his week open to be able to go out and stay out late throughout the week because he is able to sleep in the next morning- my daughter has expressed being unhappy about him going out usually to me and not to me, but a couple of times she has lightly said something to him and he just tells her he wont be gone long- I have expressed to him without her around that she is affected by this and he blows me off saying she is completely fine he has talked to her about it and she has no problem with it-

 

I have tried everything I can think of to get this under control, I have been nice, I have been more attentive, I have and continue to lose weight I only have 37 more lbs and I will be the weight I was in high school, I cook for him, I clean for him, I am loving and I am happy to him, on the flip side I also have yelled at him expressed how unhappy I am with this behavior, I have told him in times of complete frustration that I will not put up with this any longer and I have meant it, I have given him an ultimatum and I have left for a night with him not knowing where we were.

 

I have played hard ball and I have also been completely understanding and just let him do as he pleases. Lately it has been the hard play I have been playing, but yet in this I have tried many times to sit down be reasonable and calm and express to him how he is making me feel and that I have kept up my end of the bargain while he is not, I am completely capable of having a reasonable conversation and keeping my cool, I believe communicating can solve everything- while he does not, he does communicate well and usually gets very mad and shuts off the conversation before we can even get anywhere.

 

He just keeps telling me that if I don't like it I know where the door is and he is not going to sit home and be bored if his friends are out then he is going out and that I am trying to "run" him and I am going to do that! He also says he "will do what he wants to when he wants to" and I am left sitting there in silence.

He has completely flipped on our agreement and literally has no care for how he is making me feel.

 

I have tried getting games and videogames that he likes and other various things to do as a family to draw his interest in staying home but nothing works. I am now reaching out to ask for help here. My husband will not go to counseling, period- he refuses.

 

I know my two options are putting up with it and shutting up or divorcing him, but I was raised old-school if you will, and I do not believe in divorce and splitting up our family. I have tried the putting up with it and that only lasts for so long before I am mad again,about every 15th night or so, and we end up in a huge fight mostly because I try to calmly express that this isn't right, he ignores me and tells me to deal with it, I get hurt and even more mad and then we are threatening to leave each other and heatedly fighting with words.

 

I am looking for some advice on what I can do to get him to see that he has a wonderful life and wife that loves him and always has done everything for him and he should be appreciative and want to be home with his family. This is what I am asking for, help with figuring out what to do to get him to stay home. I thank everyone in advance for any help you can offer. Also, just to save anyone the time, I appreciate all the supporting and for the women who will be mad and tell me this is not fair and to leave him, I understand your point of view because I already know this in my head, but what I am looking for is solid advice on how to keep my marriage together by getting this 45 year old to stop acting like a 20 year old again.

 

I would like to include that besides this extra 35-40 lbs I have on me at the moment, I am a very attractive woman, I have men hit on me all the time, I am not conceited in anyway and I do not care if men are attracted to me or not, I have no desire for any man except for my husband-period. And it does not matter to me whether people find me attractive or not, I seriously only mention this so you can a better perspective of the situation.

 

Thank-you sincerely!

Edited May 31, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
wall of text ~6

[blackcat777]

His behavior sounds extremely controlling.

 

If I were 35 lbs. over my weight in high school, I'd still be at the higher end of a healthy BMI. Most people don't look like they did in high school for the rest of their lives. In fact... I'm pretty sure no one does.

 

His fixation with your weight - so long as your weight is within a healthy range - is extremely controlling. My personal perspective on a partner's weight is I don't really care, I love them, but I will start to worry if they're creeping toward diabetes or cardiac arrest. That's my boundary... Where exactly is your personal boundary? What makes you happy?

 

Hypothetically speaking: say you lose *all this weight* and he doesn't stop going out constantly. What then?

 

Ignoring you, neglecting you, shaming you, all over something that is now to a nitpicking extent (can't he be happy for your efforts and success? Not a lot of support there)... using the excuse of "weight is something very important to him"... sounds like the thin guise of this guy is a butthead and isn't interested in treating people with love, support, and respect!

 

I hope YOU are happy with your body, I hope you're not crash dieting or doing something that will cause more harm than good. It sounds like you got yourself into a state that is much healthier and that is awesome... do you for you, love yourself, and please don't let this guy wreck your head with self-esteem issues.

 

If his response to your momentous efforts to lose weight - it's not easy! - is to continue ignoring you and telling you it's not good enough... you really have to question if anything can ever be good enough for this man. If that's the case, that's his problem and not yours - don't let him make it yours.

 

It sounds like he's just not willing to stand with you. If he can't do that... I'm not sure what the value in sticking around would be, because at this point, all he's doing is tearing you down... and I can't see his behavior not causing emotional/psychological damage to you.

Edited May 31, 2016 by blackcat777

[oldshirt]

Your husband is an @$$.

 

You married him knowing he was an @$$ and he has continued to be an @$$ for the duration of your marriage so what do you think is going to turn him into a decent person??

 

This is his character and persona. This is who and what he is.

 

Your options are simple, live with it or move on.

 

You can only control yourself, you can't change him.

 

You can decide what treatment you will accept and what you won't. If you accept his treatment of you, then you are giving him your consent even if you bitch and whine about it. He's heard you bitch and whine for almost 20 years and this is where it has gotten you.

 

There is a slight chance if you moved out, divorced him, made a new life for yourself and started seeing other men, there may be a 1:1,000 chance he'll decide to make the commitment in himself to treat you better.

 

.... But probably not.

[oldshirt]

Frankly, people that have the mentality that they will never divorce no matter what, are setting themselves up for maltreatment and abuse.

 

There is no reason and no excuse for a grown adult in the free world to accept maltreatment from another person.

 

Counseling and therapy are valid options for two decent person of good character who both sincerely want to work out the issues and strive for a more happy and healthy relationship.

 

However when one person is of bad character and simply wants complete dominance and control of the other and mistreats them, the solution is to either crush and destroy them with greater force or exit stage left.

 

Accepting maltreatment and abuse is this day and age and civilized society out of some outdated adherence to death do us part is simply dumb.

 

Divorce is a perfectly viable option and is usually the best if not only option to abuse and mistreatment.

[oldshirt]

And if you really think he isn't banging chicks and getting BJs and such at the bar, I have some awesome swamp land and a few really neat bridges to sell you.

 

It is virtually impossible for some that self-centered and that entitled and that assertive to spend 5 nights a week at the bar and all those overnights for 20 years and never have screwed around.

 

Virtually no chance whatsoever that he hasn't screwed around.

[CarrieT]

I am looking for some advice on what I can do to get him to see that he has a wonderful life and wife that loves him and always has done everything for him and he should be appreciative and want to be home with his family.

File for divorce.

 

I am serious.

 

Implement "The 180" as outlined below and start living for yourself. Then, once you are happy with your life, if you want him in it, you can always stop the divorce or re-marry him if he should become appreciative...

 

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage.

4. Do not follow him around the house.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future.

6. Do not ask for help from family members.

7. Do not ask for reassurances.

8. Do not buy gifts.

9. Do not schedule dates together.

10. Do not spy on spouse.

11. Do not say "I Love You".

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone he would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).

21. Never lose your cool.

22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.

23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).

24. Be patient

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared.

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.

[BettyDraper]

He sounds selfish, controlling, irresponsible and emotionally abusive.

 

Most people cannot go out 4-5 times a week once they are in a serious relationship-especially when marriage and children come into play.

 

While I believe that spouses should not let themselves go, refusing to spend time with one's spouse based on weight is ridiculous and extremely shallow. Your husband is taking advantage of the fact that you won't leave him. He wants to live a frat boy life and meet other women while his sweet wifey tolerates this BS.

 

Being kind to this type of person does not work; it's clear that your husband just sees you as a doormat. It's time for drastic measures; you need to stand up for yourself. Get your ducks in a row financially and find your own place. Serve your husband divorce papers. Staying with your husband and being sweet is just teaching him that he can continue his unacceptable antics.

[BettyDraper]

Frankly, people that have the mentality that they will never divorce no matter what, are setting themselves up for maltreatment and abuse.

 

There is no reason and no excuse for a grown adult in the free world to accept maltreatment from another person.

 

Counseling and therapy are valid options for two decent person of good character who both sincerely want to work out the issues and strive for a more happy and healthy relationship.

 

However when one person is of bad character and simply wants complete dominance and control of the other and mistreats them, the solution is to either crush and destroy them with greater force or exit stage left.

 

Accepting maltreatment and abuse is this day and age and civilized society out of some outdated adherence to death do us part is simply dumb.

 

Divorce is a perfectly viable option and is usually the best if not only option to abuse and mistreatment.

 

I agree. I always think people are being unrealistic when they say that they will never divorce no matter what happens.

They are clearly living in a fantasy world where abuse or other forms of unacceptable behavior never occurs.

[MaggieNilson]

There is nothing left to try. Youve tried it all. It is very clear he is likely in a long term affair. No one spends that much time at a bar when they arent an alcoholic. She is probably thinking how in the world you dont know about her.

 

Like you said either accept it or divorce.

 

Have u checked his phone for evidence of an OW?

[oldshirt]

There is nothing left to try. Youve tried it all. It is very clear he is likely in a long term affair. No one spends that much time at a bar when they arent an alcoholic. She is probably thinking how in the world you dont know about her.

 

Like you said either accept it or divorce.

 

Have u checked his phone for evidence of an OW?

 

Yeah there is virtually no chance whatsoever that he's not banging other chicks.

 

Do your due diligence and put an honest effort into seeing if he is screwing other women. He probably isn't even trying to hide it very much since he has you so browbeat and broken.

[anika99]

I don't get the connection between your weight and your husband treating his whole family like crap. He gets to be a sorry excuse for a father because his wife put on some pounds? In what world does that make sense? Obviously that was just a bullsh@t way for him to blame his actions on you (since he's an a$$ that way) as you have lost weight and he's still being a lousy husband and father.

 

You say you have told him you are not going to put up with it and you meant it. That's laughable. If you meant it then you wouldn't still be there putting up with it. All your talking and fighting and ultimatums have accomplished is to teach him that you don't mean what you say. All talk, no action. He doesn't respect you or anything you do or say. Chances are high that he is cheating on you.

 

If you weren't a mother I'd say fine, keep being his doormat if that's what you want to do, but you have a daughter and you are teaching her to put up with poor treatment from men. Imagine your daughter all grown up with a daughter of her own, your granddaughter. Is the kind of relationship you want her to have with her future husband and father of her child? Because there's a good chance that she will marry a man just like her father and she will be weak and powerless to walk away as that is what she is being taught right now by her parents.

 

We can't give you tips on how to control your husband and make him stay home. He is a grown up who can do what he wants and as long as he doesn't want to be a husband or father he won't be. Start taking responsibility for your own happiness by accepting that you can't change or control another person. Start making plans to better your life and your daughter's life. Take him out of the equation of your future happiness. He doesn't care about the wellbeing of you or your daughter so there's no point in continuing to pin your future hopes and dreams on him. If you keep waiting for him to change so your life will get better then you will wind old and miserable. Your husband may not be an alcoholic but you are very much acting like a codependent. Was there substance abuse part of your family of origin?

[Friskyone4u]

Your husband quite frankly is as you state totally out of control. First of all, he is more than likely blowing huge amounts of family money at all of this bar hopping , and as others have said, I would not bet the ranch that if there are women at these bars that he has had some inappropriate relationships.

 

There is an old saying that you must be willing to lose the marriage in order to save it. Once you make the statement that no matter what he does you are going no where, then you are behind the old eight ball right from the start because he has no fear of any consequences for his actions.

 

Most men, and women I guess, care somewhat about their partners maintaining or attempting to maintain as good an appearance as possible. I will guarantee you your husband would not be too happy if you did all this bar hopping and partying because he lost some hair or grew a beer belly. I don't care how he was before you married, he did not take vows that included weight limits for you.

 

There is nothing wrong with him pressing you to lose weight for your health as well as appearance, but his actions are way over the top here, they are destructive to your relationship, and if he continues to treat you like this whatever you do as you get this additional attention from men will be well deserved by him.

 

I hope he gets his head out of his ass

[elaine567]

He is doing what many 40+ yo men would do given half the chance he is reliving his youth.

MY best guess - he either IS an alcoholic or it is all about gambling or other women.

 

Alcohol - why do you say he is NOT an alcoholic?

Gambling - has he any past history of gambling excessively, how are your finances?

Other women - He is prime age for an affair(s), he may be betting plenty sex at home but it is not about quantity it is often about variety or extra. The fact he is often out till the morning light, I guess makes this very possible. He may have one OW, or he is hooking up with other women, either women he is meeting at bars or ones he has arranged to meet via apps.

Do you have access to his phone, is he on dating/cheating/hooking up apps? Is his phone glued to him?

 

What this is definitely not about is your weight.

[anika99]

Everything was great for those few short weeks, then it all changed back and has flipped around again. He is back to going out 5 nights a week and even taking weekend overnighter trips with his buddies. Which I probably wouldn't mind if he wasn't doing all this going out to the bars on top of it.

 

I don't know if the OP is coming back but the above really makes me think he is having an affair and he had some sort of falling out with his OW. Maybe she was demanding more from him, they fought and broke up and he started paying attention to his family. Then the OW came back on the condition that he start doing overnights with her. If this is the case then as another poster already stated, the OW probably thinks the OP must know or that the OP and her husband are separated.

[vanhalenfan]

Hands down, without a doubt, there is an affair going on here (and if not an affair with one woman, then he's banging multiple chicks). Please don't sit in denial and wait on him hand and foot. Get yourself and your daughter together and prepare a plan to leave...Have you checked his phone for evidence? His car is a good place to find evidence as well. I bet you'll find something!

[healingsoul]

I know you mentioned it has picked up in frequency this past year but Has he always been going out regularly while you were dating and after you were married without him? I can see maybe once a week hanging out with friends but going to a bar is simply not a place to be hanging out without your spouse. You weight should have nothing to do with it. There is NO reason for him to stay out until 2, 3, or 4 am. This is not the way a husband acts. What kind of job does he have that allows him to get so little sleep?

 

My guess is there is something deeper within the relationship that is driving this, or it might just be something deeper that he is personally dealing with.

 

It is time for you to head to counseling to see if you both can figure out what is going wrong and to try to solve the underlying problem.

[Mr. Lucky]

My husband is NOT an alcoholic

 

Having spent way too many years in the bar/nightclub business, this one made me laugh.

 

melstar1979, there's not a lot of non-drinkers spending 5 nights a week in bars. He may be functioning, but he's an alcoholic...

 

Mr. Lucky

[VeveCakes]

What are YOU getting out of this relationship?

 

What example are YOU setting for your daughter?

 

Your husband is either a drug addict, alcoholic or cheating.

 

I suggest following him a few times a night to see what he is really up to. Maybe if you see with your own eyes it will help you make the decision to leave.

[Robert]

We'll close this up as it looks like the thread starter hasn't been back since posting the original post.

 

If they would like to request it be reopened, they can do that by contacting moderation with the 'Alert Us' button on this post.

 

Thanks,

~6