No emotional connection

[breesy]

Hi guys. I'm new here. My husband and I have been having marital issues for about 2 years, more if you count the time I was trying to grin and bear it. We were married very young and as we've gotten older I feel like we have grown apart. He doesn't fulfill my needs as far as emotional and intellectual. In return I cannot fulfill his needs sexually. We don't fight all the time, but everything is very friendly. It's all surface, anything deeper we just don't connect.

 

He is an amazing father, he works hard everyday to provide for his family. He's a wonderful man, but I just can't help but feel he's not the right one. I've held on for so long mainly for the kids. But idk if I can keep doing this. Is it worth staying with someone you aren't in love with so that the kids have a whole family?

 

Also divorce is a extremely frowned upon in our religious circle. The threat of disappointment and disapproval from literally everyone I know is something that weighs heavily on my heart. I'm torn between doing what I feel is right leaving, because I know it's not right and staying married and trying to make the best out of a bad situation. Any thoughts on my situation would be appreciated.

[TrustedthenBusted]

Hi guys. I'm new here. My husband and I have been having marital issues for about 2 years, more if you count the time I was trying to grin and bear it. We were married very young and as we've gotten older I feel like we have grown apart. He doesn't fulfill my needs as far as emotional and intellectual. In return I cannot fulfill his needs sexually. We don't fight all the time, but everything is very friendly. It's all surface, anything deeper we just don't connect.

 

He is an amazing father, he works hard everyday to provide for his family. He's a wonderful man, but I just can't help but feel he's not the right one. I've held on for so long mainly for the kids. But idk if I can keep doing this. Is it worth staying with someone you aren't in love with so that the kids have a whole family?

 

Also divorce is a extremely frowned upon in our religious circle. The threat of disappointment and disapproval from literally everyone I know is something that weighs heavily on my heart. I'm torn between doing what I feel is right leaving, because I know it's not right and staying married and trying to make the best out of a bad situation. Any thoughts on my situation would be appreciated.

 

Welcome to marriage. Boring much of the time, isn't it? LIsten, if you aren't fighting, and aren't cheating on eachother, and agree on how to run a household and raise children, then you are light years ahead of most people, and can work on the rest. It's going to be work with anyone, including the Prince Charming you think might be waiting out there for you.

[oldshirt]

Have you considered addressing your needs for emotional and intellectual interaction?

 

Have you considered consulting profession marital counseling/therapy?

[BettyDraper]

What brought you together in the first place?

 

Marriage is work. It typical to grow apart after years together but it's possible to become a loving couple once again.

[NTV]

Being "in love" and loving your spouse are two different things. That feeling of emotional connection is something you can do if you choose to do and you can work on.

 

 

But I have to ask.... if you're not in love with your husband, who are you in love with?

[LostOnes05]

Ask yourself why you married him. And don't give yourself the excuse of "we were young". There was something that told you that this man was your guy. People have this idea that when they find the right person to be with there will be unending fireworks, glitter, and parades in their heart every day. That's not at all true. You are dealing with an entire entity outside of yourself. That means he can't read your mind and you can't read his. Why grin and bear it when you can speak up before things snowball to the point they are at now?

 

As a man, I've never understood why women wait until they want to break up to address a concern or major issue (if it's even a real issue). It's like ignoring your check engine light for 6 months and then being furious when the car won't start the morning of a big meeting . Grin and bare it never works.

 

Have you tried counseling? You say he doesn't stimulate you emotionally or intellectually. Have you tried reading something to him that you're interested in and asking his opinion on it? What about writing him a letter telling him how great of a father and man he is and leaving it somewhere he can't miss it? Or grabbing his hand randomly and going for a walk around the area?

 

Tell him you want to go out on a date...he picks the place and time, gets the babysitter, and picks you up for a fun evening. What about a weekend getaway or a trip to a historical landmark with a bed and breakfast nearby. Sometimes you have to be the spark!!! No relationship lasts without effort. So be clear and tell him what you want because sulking about it and ruminating on it won't bring about any solution. Communicate your love language to him...the things that excite you, upset you, make you wonder, plans for a week from now, a month, etc. But communicate to your husband what you want and need and ask him the same. It's possible that he's gotten so caught up in the provider role that he has forgotten to still date you. It's the little things that turn into big things...good or bad. Might as well put all your effort into making good things, big or small.

 

Don't do it for the kids, but for the relationship and man you want to reconnect with. I wish you guys the best.

[Satu]

From my journals:

 

 

"Being in love seems much, but is little. The slow work of love seems little, but is much."

[mikeylo]

Staying for kids is never a good option. Try counseling / therapy. Go on vacations, Get a baby sitter , date again. It's always possible to reignite the passion unless you both have drifted too far apart, which sometones does happen.

[BettyDraper]

Ask yourself why you married him. And don't give yourself the excuse of "we were young". There was something that told you that this man was your guy. People have this idea that when they find the right person to be with there will be unending fireworks, glitter, and parades in their heart every day. That's not at all true. You are dealing with an entire entity outside of yourself. That means he can't read your mind and you can't read his. Why grin and bear it when you can speak up before things snowball to the point they are at now?

 

As a man, I've never understood why women wait until they want to break up to address a concern or major issue (if it's even a real issue). It's like ignoring your check engine light for 6 months and then being furious when the car won't start the morning of a big meeting . Grin and bare it never works.

 

Have you tried counseling? You say he doesn't stimulate you emotionally or intellectually. Have you tried reading something to him that you're interested in and asking his opinion on it? What about writing him a letter telling him how great of a father and man he is and leaving it somewhere he can't miss it? Or grabbing his hand randomly and going for a walk around the area?

 

Tell him you want to go out on a date...he picks the place and time, gets the babysitter, and picks you up for a fun evening. What about a weekend getaway or a trip to a historical landmark with a bed and breakfast nearby. Sometimes you have to be the spark!!! No relationship lasts without effort. So be clear and tell him what you want because sulking about it and ruminating on it won't bring about any solution. Communicate your love language to him...the things that excite you, upset you, make you wonder, plans for a week from now, a month, etc. But communicate to your husband what you want and need and ask him the same. It's possible that he's gotten so caught up in the provider role that he has forgotten to still date you. It's the little things that turn into big things...good or bad. Might as well put all your effort into making good things, big or small.

 

Don't do it for the kids, but for the relationship and man you want to reconnect with. I wish you guys the best.

 

Plenty of women address concerns long before they decide to give up. There are many men who don't listen or make changes until the woman leaves. Google "Walkaway Wife". This behavior is so common in men that experts have been able to make note of what often plays out between couples. I know this isn't the case in this situation but I felt the need to respond to your generalization about women because it simply wasn't always true.

 

On the other hand, I agree that expecting your partner to read your mind is completely counterproductive. I also think that men usually become complacent once they are in a long term relationship and stop trying to add excitement with dates and romance. Women will become complacent in terms of keeping their appearance pleasing. It hurts to ask for dates because wives feel like their husbands take them for granted now that they have married. Men who are pursuing a woman never need to be asked to plan dates.

[LostOnes05]

Plenty of women address concerns long before they decide to give up. There are many men who don't listen or make changes until the woman leaves. Google "Walkaway Wife". This behavior is so common in men that experts have been able to make note of what often plays out between couples. I know this isn't the case in this situation but I felt the need to respond to your generalization about women because it simply wasn't always true.

 

On the other hand, I agree that expecting your partner to read your mind is completely counterproductive. I also think that some men usually become complacent once they are in a long term relationship and stop trying to add excitement with dates and romance. Some Women will become complacent in terms of keeping their appearance pleasing. It hurts to ask for dates because wives feel like their husbands take them for granted now that they have married. Men who are pursuing a woman never need to be asked to plan dates.

 

Here we go with the "you're generalizing about women" spiel...because I didn't use the qualifier "some, my experience, 40% of men" etc..but neither does your statement about it being so common in men. And I researched this Walkaway Wife syndrome (in google scholar even)...not much on it besides a term coined by Michelle Weiner-Davis, MSW to explain why a woman might walk out on a marriage. Where is the data if it is so common? In fact, I couldn't find one reputable source or sources cited by any article I found...even her own. Research would use the term men or women and not these qualifiers because they have to be backed by data (which in itself is a generalization based on sample size).

 

In regards to "walkaway wives", I even read about women leaving marriages to pursue career and educational goals...which is fine, if that's what you want. But the changing behavior when someone wants out of a relationship is basic human nature to try to maintain the relationship, unless you really don't care. There are stories right here on LS of men AND women doing so...therefore I coin the term "Walkaway Husband" or better yet "Walkaway Syndrome"..right? Even a recent one comes to mind about a woman nagging her husband about doing tasks around the house. She is worried that he might be on his way out and wants to figure out a way to change her behavior. We can go back and forth all day about generalizations, etc. but let it be noted that my statement was not an attack on women. Just like the person who coined the term "Walkway wife" (examples below) and everyone on here, my statement was based on experiences and observations (sample size pending).

 

 

-"I've never met a man that when his wife complains he wants to spend more time with her"...hmmm

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/divorce-busting/200803/the-walkaway-wife-syndrome

-Riddled with generalizations..."most women believe...", "Exit strategies often take years to execute and during that time women are focused on fortifying their resources, not fixing their marriages."

 

As Corey Wayne (relationship "expert", haha) would say, you only get in life what you negotiate. So if you're afraid to say hey, I'm upset about this...let's communicate and work it out, then expect the status quo.

 

Sidenote: I will say that I don't usually buy into stuff like that. But his stuff actually parallels a lot of the issues in OP's post and I've found his stuff spot on...in my experience (qualifier). For instance, her husband's complacency in taking interest in things she likes and continuing to date her...leading to her emotional/intellectual detachment. Maybe he doesn't hold her hand, surprise her, or make definite plans with her. Maybe he doesn't ask her questions that provoke her intellect because he has no idea what her likes and dislikes are...she "grins and bears it". I mean if you grin and bear a continuously bleeding vein, over time you'll bleed out as if you nicked an artery. She has to talk and he has to listen and both have to implement a plan if there is any hope of staying together.

[BettyDraper]

Here we go with the "you're generalizing about women" spiel...because I didn't use the qualifier "some, my experience, 40% of men" etc..but neither does your statement about it being so common in men. And I researched this Walkaway Wife syndrome (in google scholar even)...not much on it besides a term coined by Michelle Weiner-Davis, MSW to explain why a woman might walk out on a marriage. Where is the data if it is so common? In fact, I couldn't find one reputable source or sources cited by any article I found...even her own. Research would use the term men or women and not these qualifiers because they have to be backed by data (which in itself is a generalization based on sample size).

 

In regards to "walkaway wives", I even read about women leaving marriages to pursue career and educational goals...which is fine, if that's what you want. But the changing behavior when someone wants out of a relationship is basic human nature to try to maintain the relationship, unless you really don't care. There are stories right here on LS of men AND women doing so...therefore I coin the term "Walkaway Husband" or better yet "Walkaway Syndrome"..right? Even a recent one comes to mind about a woman nagging her husband about doing tasks around the house. She is worried that he might be on his way out and wants to figure out a way to change her behavior. We can go back and forth all day about generalizations, etc. but let it be noted that my statement was not an attack on women. Just like the person who coined the term "Walkway wife" (examples below) and everyone on here, my statement was based on experiences and observations (sample size pending).

 

 

-"I've never met a man that when his wife complains he wants to spend more time with her"...hmmm

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/divorce-busting/200803/the-walkaway-wife-syndrome

-Riddled with generalizations..."most women believe...", "Exit strategies often take years to execute and during that time women are focused on fortifying their resources, not fixing their marriages."

 

As Corey Wayne (relationship "expert", haha) would say, you only get in life what you negotiate. So if you're afraid to say hey, I'm upset about this...let's communicate and work it out, then expect the status quo.

 

Sidenote: I will say that I don't usually buy into stuff like that. But his stuff actually parallels a lot of the issues in OP's post and I've found his stuff spot on...in my experience (qualifier). For instance, her husband's complacency in taking interest in things she likes and continuing to date her...leading to her emotional/intellectual detachment. Maybe he doesn't hold her hand, surprise her, or make definite plans with her. Maybe he doesn't ask her questions that provoke her intellect because he has no idea what her likes and dislikes are...she "grins and bears it". I mean if you grin and bear a continuously bleeding vein, over time you'll bleed out as if you nicked an artery. She has to talk and he has to listen and both have to implement a plan if there is any hope of staying together.

 

Who on earth said that you were attacking women?

 

Unless you were actually intending to take shots at women in general and you felt that I picked up on it, there is no need to become defensive because of some imaginary slight. I used the words "some" and "common" so as not to assign certain behaviors to any given group. I simply pointed out that wives' concerns will often fall on deaf ears until they leave.

 

As for your research, it is common knowledge that someone with an MSW is an expert on human relationships since they are often sought out as couples therapists. If you clicked on more of the links when you Googled the term, you would have known that many other experts agree that walkaway wives are typical. This is why that particular phenomenon is written about so often and well known in psychological circles.

 

Just as you posted your viewpoints based on observations, I respectfully disagreed with your comments about how women behave in relationships drawn from what I have noticed and read. I agree that anyone who does not voice her concerns in a relationships cannot be upset when her needs aren't met. A closed mouth will not be fed.

[LostOnes05]

I know this isn't the case in this situation but I felt the need to respond to your generalization about women because it simply wasn't always true.

 

No one said it explicitly, but you "felt the need to respond to my generalization about women" so it must have offended or rubbed you the wrong way. That's why I said it was not an attack. I actually added the bolded "some" to your post and left the last statement as is. Just showing that you generalized too, but I'm not upset about it. Just a matter of how you decided to write your post.

 

I certainly didn't know that a Master's degree made someone an expert in something, especially when there are higher degrees in the field. I guess im an expert in a few things haha. Either way with divorce rates hovering around 50% and up, these experts are missing something.

 

However, the actual point of your post was not lost on me. I get that people may not decide to change until it's too late...it's a matter of human nature. The threat of loss can be a powerful motivator. But current stats on divorce suggest that 70% are initiated by women. Why? That seems unusually high. Does it mean that 70% of women are in marriages where they are bored, unappreciated/underappreciated, unhappy, etc? And 70% of men have no clue about maintaining relationships? Or does it speak more to the lack of effort put in relationships? Like I said sometimes, you have to be the spark in the relationship and work at it (men and women ). Obviously, if there is abuse from either side there isn't much to work on and no reason to stay...children or not.

 

But hey, I value and appreciate your opinions...even if they differ slightly from my own.

[Just a Guy]

Hey Folks, I guess we need to to stay focussed on offering helpful advice to the OP rather than debating on our differences on her thread. Breesy, may I ask how long you have been married? Also you say that you have had marital issues for the past two years and that the problems in your marriage have existed for even longer but you had kept quiet about them. Did you bring up these marital issues with your husband when you first became aware of them? Additionally, does your husband feel the same way as you about your marriage? Are you or he having an affair or have you met someone who appeals to you? Answers to these questions can shed some more light on your situation.

 

You have mentioned that your husband does not meet your emotional and intellectual needs. Can you elaborate on this in greater detail? Also, you say that you are not able to meet his sexual needs and if this is true then what is the reason? You have given very nebulous reasons as to why there is a problem in your marriage and greater clarity is needed if you expect people to give you helpful advice here. You have mentioned that 'in your religious circles divorce is frowned upon'. What religious circles ate you talking about? Are you living in a country which I'd very conservative? I know that I have raised a lot of questions but unless you are able to shed more light on your situation everybody here is going to address your problem with generic answers or, in some cases, with answers which are completely irrelevant yo your situation. Hoping to get some answers from you. Warm wishes!.

[healingsoul]

I have been married 32 years and we don't talk about divorce. The only time I consider it an option is if a person is being physically, emotionally or in any other way abused.

 

It is so normal for people to grow apart. You have children and believe me they need you together. It builds so much security in their lives. Of course I see people divorcing all the time, even in my own family but I also see the damage it does to the children in 90 percent of the cases because very few people can remain kind to each other.

 

 

However this does not mean that you remain in a dreadful or unloving marriage. Relationships just don't flourish on their own; they take lots of work. Do you intentionally date your husband? You say interest have grown apart but have you tried to learn something new together or as a family.

 

What ages are your children? Is there something that you all can be doing together that can bring unity and a bond, epsecially since you said he is such a wonderful father. I am glad you recognize what a blessing this is.

 

And finally have you sought counsel? I would not go to someone in my religious circle but find someone out of it that could talk to both of you together. Make time for a marriage retreat, not one set up by your church, because the two I have been on with my husband was a valuable investment.

[Alamo657]

I feel like we have grown apart. He doesn't fulfill my needs as far as emotional and intellectual. In return I cannot fulfill his needs sexually. We don't fight all the time, but everything is very friendly. It's all surface, anything deeper we just don't connect.

 

He is an amazing father, he works hard everyday to provide for his family. He's a wonderful man, but I just can't help but feel he's not the right one.

 

In what practical ways can't he fulfil your needs ?

[NadiaG]

I have been married 32 years and we don't talk about divorce. The only time I consider it an option is if a person is being physically, emotionally or in any other way abused.

 

It is so normal for people to grow apart. You have children and believe me they need you together. It builds so much security in their lives. Of course I see people divorcing all the time, even in my own family but I also see the damage it does to the children in 90 percent of the cases because very few people can remain kind to each other.

 

 

However this does not mean that you remain in a dreadful or unloving marriage. Relationships just don't flourish on their own; they take lots of work. Do you intentionally date your husband? You say interest have grown apart but have you tried to learn something new together or as a family.

 

What ages are your children? Is there something that you all can be doing together that can bring unity and a bond, epsecially since you said he is such a wonderful father. I am glad you recognize what a blessing this is.

 

And finally have you sought counsel? I would not go to someone in my religious circle but find someone out of it that could talk to both of you together. Make time for a marriage retreat, not one set up by your church, because the two I have been on with my husband was a valuable investment.

 

Very good point about people growing apart. On top of that, initially while dating, some people put on certain "nice looking masks" to represent their true selves. Over time they just have to drop these masks only to find each other being different than when they first got aquainted. And this is the problem. Add to this what you said about people growing apart.

[]

Edited June 6, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
redacted link ~6

[Porter56]

Work, work, work

 

I spend a lot of time working in my life. Spending my personal time working on something as ambiguous as a relationship with someone else just seems...pointless. And also counterproductive to enjoying your life. But that's just me...

 

OP...get divorced. It's obvious from the tone of your post that that's what you want. You just seem to want someone else to justify it. Look...if you don't want to be with someone, you don't want to be with them. It's as simple as that. Why live the rest of your life putting on an act and forcing yourself through something you don't want. "Making it work" is just another way of saying you're kidding yourself, which is what most people do to get through their day. Don't be like that...don't maintain the status quo. Live your life...not the life everyone else tells you to. Because then...all you are is what everyone else wants you to be.

[TrustedthenBusted]

Work, work, work

 

I spend a lot of time working in my life. Spending my personal time working on something as ambiguous as a relationship with someone else just seems...pointless. And also counterproductive to enjoying your life. But that's just me...

 

 

Interesting that you would come to a forum dedicated to Marriage and Life Partnerships to share this opinion.

 

I've read a few of your posts now, and the theme is clear. You aint buying it.

 

That's fine, but why bother reading about it? That is a sincere question.

 

I think Space travel to Mars is stupid and a waste of resources. But I don't go on NASA forums to tell them that.

[MissCongeniality]

Welcome to marriage. Boring much of the time, isn't it? LIsten, if you aren't fighting, and aren't cheating on eachother, and agree on how to run a household and raise children, then you are light years ahead of most people, and can work on the rest. It's going to be work with anyone, including the Prince Charming you think might be waiting out there for you.

Pretty much this. Look if you want to throw away your marriage that's your business but it's a stupid reason to do it. You have a relationship with your husband most would kill for.

[The Lives of Others]

Also divorce is a extremely frowned upon in our religious circle.

 

That's one of few things I like about religions, that they are pro-family. Unless we're talking about obnoxious religious bigot wives, like that ring leader from the Jesus Camp documentary, for whom religion is the last line of defense.

[MJJean]

Pretty much this. Look if you want to throw away your marriage that's your business but it's a stupid reason to do it. You have a relationship with your husband most would kill for.

 

I wouldn't. I wouldn't kill for a sexless marriage with a man I have no mental, emotional, or physical connection to.