Angela3332 Posted June 1, 2016 Posted June 1, 2016 We broke up almost a month ago. He was distant, so I asked him to be honest what was going on. He said he didn t feel so much and wasn t sure what to do (his exact words). I took that to mean he had no feelings for me. So I said let s at least do the breakup over the phone (we were texting as I was traveling). So we broke up over the phone without him saying much. We were together for almost 4 months, but we were quite serious and exclusive from the beginning. He talked about meeting parents and going on trips together, so when he said he "didn t feel much" I was surprised. Anyway, yesterday after no contact I decided to text him and asked if we could meet up for a few minutes just for a nice closure. He replied "yes happy to get coffee" along with a pic of him and his guy friends at a sporting event. We went back and forth about the meet up scheduling and at one point he asked: dinner, coffee or drinks? I said whichever one is fine for me. Then of course we shared some jokes and I got four other pictures from him along with messages telling me how the event went. Now the question is, is it normal that he sent me pictures like that, telling me about his day? We used to do that when we were together. I just think it s weird that my ex is sending me pictures. Are we reaching that point of chatting like nothing happened? I don t know what to expect from the meet up as it seems that he s aiming for dinner or drinks (he didn t say so, but scheduled it for 7pm). I know I may be overthinking this, but female brain can't stop thinking. I never really understand men. If anyone can shed some light, I'd appreciate it!
basil67 Posted June 1, 2016 Posted June 1, 2016 Rather than wondering what he's thinking, spend your time first figuring out what you want. At least you will have your ducks in a row no matter how this meeting goes.
Author Angela3332 Posted June 1, 2016 Author Posted June 1, 2016 Thank you. Honestly, if I knew what exactly happened that led to our breakup, I'd probably know what I wanted. If it was really the case that he didn't have feelings for me, then all I want is to get some closure and understand why this whole time he made me believe that we were serious. On the other hand, if it was a misunderstanding (as I now remember that I was the one suggested the breakup) and him being distant had something to do with other things fixable, I'd like to give it another try. But at this point, I'm confused and not sure what is his intention.
truth_seeker Posted June 1, 2016 Posted June 1, 2016 Anytime an ex gets in touch out of the blue it's a means of testing the waters...
beyond Posted June 1, 2016 Posted June 1, 2016 Thank you. Honestly, if I knew what exactly happened that led to our breakup, I'd probably know what I wanted. If it was really the case that he didn't have feelings for me, then all I want is to get some closure and understand why this whole time he made me believe that we were serious. On the other hand, if it was a misunderstanding (as I now remember that I was the one suggested the breakup) and him being distant had something to do with other things fixable, I'd like to give it another try. But at this point, I'm confused and not sure what is his intention. But you DO know what happened and why you broke up.He was actually decent enough to tell you, which is more than a lot of people who go through break ups get. He stopped having such strong feelings as he did for you - sad, but it happens. I'm not sure what more 'closure' you want. To be blunt, I think you are kidding yourself that it was some kind of mistake/ misunderstanding that you broke up. Firstly, he actually said he had lost feelings and secondly if he didn't mean he wanted to break up with you he would have been blowing up your phone the last month saying he had made a mistake, begging for you back etc. He hasn't, in fact it was YOU that contacted him. How do you invisage this meeting going? 1) Him telling you again that he had lost feeling for you ( very awkward to do face to face and he may well try and soft soap it a bit and tell you how wonderful you are etc, but ultimately nothing changes.) Result - you leave having gained nothing and probably upset, seeing him again but knowing there is no hope. 2) Him putting you firmly in the friend zone, thinking it's great that you can meet as friends, chat etc - maybe even tell you about a new girl he is dating because you are 'mates' now and 'just catching up'. Result - you leave feeling upset. 3) He thinks 'hey I told her I'd lost feelings and she still contacted me and she is a nice enough girl and is obviously very keen so I'll try and sleep with her one last time for old times sake'. Result - you leave feeling upset and used. Sorry to sound so harsh, but I really don't think you should be meeting up with him.
Emilia Posted June 1, 2016 Posted June 1, 2016 I'll be curious to hear your update OP. It does sound yes like he missed you but then it conflicts with your first post. See what happens.
smackie9 Posted June 1, 2016 Posted June 1, 2016 I think he is looking for friendship because that part is what he misses. I think he is just feeling lonely as he adjusts to being single.
Author Angela3332 Posted June 2, 2016 Author Posted June 2, 2016 We are meeting up next week. I'll update you guys as to how it goes. Yes, I contacted him first to ask to meet up for closure because we broke up over the phone, and he did say let's talk in person when you are back (I was traveling). I wanted to understand the reason better because I wasn't sure if he really meant what he said. When I noticed that he was distant, I sent him a text saying that I would like to talk when I get back (by then I decided that I'd break up with him when I get back). He didn't reply for days until I sent another text and asked if he was losing interest, to which he answered "I don't feel much and not sure what to do." I took that as a breakup, which I probably shouldn't have jumped into conclusions right away and should have asked him to clarify. That's when I asked for a phone breakup. Over the phone, he said it was hard to tell if he was just too busy or just not feeling it. He didn't say anything else, just that one sentence. No "we had a good time, but.." So I felt that he was insensitive and that made me upset. So when he said let's talk when I get back, I said no. Having given myself time to cool off, I realized that we both deserved a proper closure. And since I was the one who turned down his in-person talk request, I thought I should be the one to suggest it. Honestly, I only expected him to say ok to meet up for coffee, talk for 10 min and say goodbye. I didn't expect it to resume our texting habit and receiving multiple photos. And now he wants to go to dinner and said "I will be my lovely self for the sweet innocent (my name) to enjoy our little meetup." I just find it hard to believe that he didn't have feelings for me (you may say I'm crazy). But only a few weeks before he became distant, he still did sweet little things for me, slept on my laps, stared at me and admired how I looked even when I was not dressed up, etc. I know these are so insignificant, but you don't do those things when you don't have feelings for the other person. So I wonder what changed in a matter of a few weeks (other than that I was traveling). And now with the messaging, especially the pictures, I'm just really confused. Although I think I'll know when we finally meet up next week, I'm just too curious to sit still to wait and see.
Buddhist Posted June 2, 2016 Posted June 2, 2016 Well, you might think it's meeting up for closure. But he obviously thinks he might be able to start up again with you since he has gone right back to the old dynamic. You have to know, guys don't need to have a chat to get closure. They don't want it, they deal with such things in different ways. He's interpreting your actions as regret for breaking up.
Buddhist Posted June 2, 2016 Posted June 2, 2016 I just find it hard to believe that he didn't have feelings for me (you may say I'm crazy). But only a few weeks before he became distant, he still did sweet little things for me, slept on my laps, stared at me and admired how I looked even when I was not dressed up, etc. I know these are so insignificant, but you don't do those things when you don't have feelings for the other person. So I wonder what changed in a matter of a few weeks (other than that I was traveling). And now with the messaging, especially the pictures, I'm just really confused. Although I think I'll know when we finally meet up next week, I'm just too curious to sit still to wait and see. Guys will do these things right up until the minute they tell you it's over. Those actions do not mean he has feelings for you. it means he's enjoying your company. The way a dog enjoys the company of the human's it lives with.
Author Angela3332 Posted June 2, 2016 Author Posted June 2, 2016 How do you invisage this meeting going? 1) Him telling you again that he had lost feeling for you ( very awkward to do face to face and he may well try and soft soap it a bit and tell you how wonderful you are etc, but ultimately nothing changes.) Result - you leave having gained nothing and probably upset, seeing him again but knowing there is no hope. 2) Him putting you firmly in the friend zone, thinking it's great that you can meet as friends, chat etc - maybe even tell you about a new girl he is dating because you are 'mates' now and 'just catching up'. Result - you leave feeling upset. 3) He thinks 'hey I told her I'd lost feelings and she still contacted me and she is a nice enough girl and is obviously very keen so I'll try and sleep with her one last time for old times sake'. Result - you leave feeling upset and used. Sorry to sound so harsh, but I really don't think you should be meeting up with him. He's not trying to sleep with me, not in that "last sex with an ex" sense anyway. He's not that kind of man, and he knows me enough to know that isn't something I'd do. As for being friend zoned, it's never much of my concern because I'm friends with some of my ex's, and we do talk about people we date. But he, on the other hand, doesn't believe in having any contact with ex's, and I don't think any decent human being would be telling their ex about someone they are dating only one month after they broke up, a year maybe. Because he's not friends with any of his other ex's, I don't think our meeting will be a stepping stone for him to be my friend.
Author Angela3332 Posted June 2, 2016 Author Posted June 2, 2016 Guys will do these things right up until the minute they tell you it's over. Those actions do not mean he has feelings for you. it means he's enjoying your company. The way a dog enjoys the company of the human's it lives with. So you're saying guys are like dogs? I wish they were though. Lol.
joseb Posted June 2, 2016 Posted June 2, 2016 So while you were away You decided to break up with him. Because he beat you to the punch, now you want to keep seeing him?? Or is that what you want? To be honest, neither of you sounds all that into the other, and it just took a few days apart for you both to realise it.
Author Angela3332 Posted June 2, 2016 Author Posted June 2, 2016 (edited) He's interpreting your actions as regret for breaking up. I do regret but not the break up itself. I regret being so quick in jumping into conclusions and not hearing him out. The leading up to our breakup was like this: After not messaging me for several days, he sent me a long WhatsApp (that's how we communicated) message telling about his busy schedule and a few days of vacation. I got really upset that he didn't WhatsApp for so many days and had the guts to tell me that he was on vacation. So I replied "I'd like to have a few words with you when I'm back." And I really meant breakup by that. I'm sure he knew what I meant. He didn't answer. After I pushed him with another message, that's when he replied that he "didn't feel much." I then said "let's talk on the phone to have a proper breakup then." You see how I didn't let him explain. That is something I really regret. And when we spoke on the phone, he sounded energetic and happy although I knew he was pretending (breakup is even a happy event, even if you don't have feelings for each other). But of course I was angry with his energetic voice, so I gave him a firm "no" when he said let's talk when you're back. And that is also something I regret. This is the man I was serious about, but I denied him an in-person breakup. I regret that. In response to that, he said "you are a robot too" referencing my own use of the word robot to describe him for not showing emotions. I care deeply for him and I do regret that there's a possibility that I might have hurt his feelings despite the fact that he definitely hurt my feelings. I do wish for him to know that, although he hurt my feelings, I never wish to hurt his. Edited June 2, 2016 by Angela3332
Author Angela3332 Posted June 2, 2016 Author Posted June 2, 2016 So while you were away You decided to break up with him. Because he beat you to the punch, now you want to keep seeing him?? Or is that what you want? To be honest, neither of you sounds all that into the other, and it just took a few days apart for you both to realise it. I didn't decide to break up with him because I was away (it's not like I was away having fun; I was on a stressful business trip). I decided to break up with him because he changed. I'd known him for awhile before we started dating, and he proved himself to be a good man and one who wanted to be with me. My feelings for him grew because of that, because he was nice and sweet to me. I got into the relationship with the understanding that he'd prove to me that he was worthy of my love (his own words) because I had to sacrifice my job to be with him (it's only fair that he needed to prove that he's worthy of that sacrifice). So as soon as he changed, I didn't see the reason to continue although I'd then started to have feelings for him. I don't look at it as "he beat me to it" and I don't think he looks at it that way either. He wasn't trying to beat me to it, whatever his feelings might have been for me.
Buddhist Posted June 2, 2016 Posted June 2, 2016 I do regret but not the break up itself. I regret being so quick in jumping into conclusions and not hearing him out. The leading up to our breakup was like this: After not messaging me for several days, he sent me a long WhatsApp (that's how we communicated) message telling about his busy schedule and a few days of vacation. I got really upset that he didn't WhatsApp for so many days and had the guts to tell me that he was on vacation. So I replied "I'd like to have a few words with you when I'm back." And I really meant breakup by that. I'm sure he knew what I meant. He didn't answer. After I pushed him with another message, that's when he replied that he "didn't feel much." I then said "let's talk on the phone to have a proper breakup then." You see how I didn't let him explain. That is something I really regret. And when we spoke on the phone, he sounded energetic and happy although I knew he was pretending (breakup is even a happy event, even if you don't have feelings for each other). But of course I was angry with his energetic voice, so I gave him a firm "no" when he said let's talk when you're back. And that is also something I regret. This is the man I was serious about, but I denied him an in-person breakup. I regret that. In response to that, he said "you are a robot too" referencing my own use of the word robot to describe him for not showing emotions. I care deeply for him and I do regret that there's a possibility that I might have hurt his feelings despite the fact that he definitely hurt my feelings. I do wish for him to know that, although he hurt my feelings, I never wish to hurt his. All of that is well and good. I just doubt both of you are on the same page on this topic. But do let us know how that meeting goes.
Author Angela3332 Posted June 12, 2016 Author Posted June 12, 2016 Update: We had our meeting this Saturday. It turned out he wanted to get back together without discussing the issue that led to our breakup. He only hinted things like I don't listen and don't show enough affection to him, which I found rather odd because I think I'm quite affectionate in general. The not listening thing, I kind of get. It was a wonderful night. We didn't have sex, but he kissed me multiple times. The thing is I'm still not sure what's going on and I told him that. I told him I didn't want to get hurt, and he said he won't hurt me. I still have no idea what's going on. In case, you haven't noticed already, we both are terrible communicators.
Tressugar Posted June 12, 2016 Posted June 12, 2016 (edited) OP, my thoughts are the reason why he could have lost feelings for you so soon is because the relationship was a little too fast, too soon. It burned itself out. So it is always better to go slow as long as there is a natural progression. No one should be burned out in four months. That's when the going gets good. You stated almost from the beginning the two of you were exclusive and in a relationship. Next time take your time to get to know the person. Be a friend first. In my last dating case, it was real slow with no follow through or progression. Edited June 12, 2016 by Tressugar
Author Angela3332 Posted June 13, 2016 Author Posted June 13, 2016 OP, my thoughts are the reason why he could have lost feelings for you so soon is because the relationship was a little too fast, too soon. It burned itself out. So it is always better to go slow as long as there is a natural progression. No one should be burned out in four months. That's when the going gets good. You stated almost from the beginning the two of you were exclusive and in a relationship. Next time take your time to get to know the person. Be a friend first. In my last dating case, it was real slow with no follow through or progression. I agree that it might have been moving too fast. But we met over 4 years ago and reunited a year ago. We weren't good friends or anything before we started dating.
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