My friend is in a toxic relationship, what can I do?

[Madame_Noire]

My friend confided in me yesterday saying that she is desperately unhappy. Her partner, is 5 years younger than her (28 and 33 respectively). He belittles her in front of other people (making digs about the condition of the house or anything in general) and questions the way she raises the children and how they behave. Three kids, two of which are under the age of 2 they have together, one from her previous relationship. She has told me all of the children were unplanned and she openly admitted to me that she would not have had them and would have aborted but it was too late.

 

She has recently joined a gym because she wants to get back into shape and feel more confident and he resents her going because he does not like having to be the one left holding the babies. He will send her a message asking when she is coming home!! However, every day she will make him a protein shake and pack his sports kit and drive him to and from work and the gym, she will then go back home and look after the kids. On the off chance he does allow her to go to the gym, he will just stay on the couch playing on his games consoles and not clean up the house. He will shout at the kids to go back to bed. He usually hinders her going to the gym, getting drunk the night before so that he has to stay in bed all day, or working overtime. I knew her joining the gym would be an issue, hence why I use the word 'allow' hecause he seems to think he has full control and he is the man of the house and what he says goes.

 

She met him on a dating site/app just over 3 years ago, within 6 months of dating, she fell pregnant. And then they had another one earlier this year. It was their her birthday and their anniversary earlier this year, as a talking point, I asked her what he got her/done for her on those occasions, nothing was her answer. Not even a verbal 'happy birthday/anniversary'

 

All she does is run around after the kids (understandably so). He works full time, usually finishes work at 3pm in a highly stessful job and then comes home, in a foul mood because he has had a bad day and expects his dinner to be cooked and the house to be clean and to be able to play his PS. He doesn't drive, never taken a test etc but he has the audacity to tell her how to drive and question her skills behind the wheel.

 

I will be honest, when my friend had her first child and was a single mother, he was quite a handful and would scream at the drop of a hat. I saw how miserable she was, she even gave the child to a relative in another country because she couldn't cope, he has recently been diagnosed with Autism. Seeing how my friend was, made me decide I didn't want them. She often says she wishes she didn't have kids, they have ruined her life and she wished she could be free and single.

 

Her partner speaks to his own mother and sister like something on the bottom of his shoe. They say (and I wonder if my friend knows this) that if you want to know how a man will treat his future wife/girlfriend, watch what his relationship is like with his mother. He has not spoken to me with contempt, I, unlike the other women in his life, will not stand for it. He is always polite and courteous with me, asking how my day at work was. However, he is not discreet in the way he speaks to my friend in front of me. He called her stupid once. I cannot understand why people allow themselves to be treated like that. However, I am waiting for the day for him to push his luck with me. I have put my foot down with my own mother, my mother-in-law and colleagues. So I would like to see if he fancies his chances with me! I will not put up with it.

 

He often says that if she leaves, she cannot take HIS children and he will help her pack. I asked how would he cope seen as he cannot manage on his own when she goes to the gym for a couple of hours. In arguments, he says he has been at work all day, he thinks she does nothing all day, she looks after the children! All three of the kids have health conditions. Her partner will not use his initiative and make bottles for the children or pick them up and tend to them. She has to do everything, I asked her if she thinks she has 4 children, she said yes. She said he is immature, he does not know how to hold a conversation or accept constructive critiscism. He is the main verbal aggressor. All she will do is rant to me rather than channel and address it with him.

 

Funnily enough, he wants more children, she doesn't. He said he wants to leave a legacy. Actually, come to think of it, I wonder if he thinks I am a bad influence on her because I am very vocal about being childfree and he cannot understand why I do not want children. I have said to him, pulling no punches "I like my freedom" yes, it sounds very outspoken, oh well! Also, my friend asked me when am I going to have children?! I told her as well, never, appreciating my freedom and that having children is a choice. My partner and I are happy as we are. On social media she will say she loves her kids, but tell me she hates being a mom. He said that to him and him having tunnel-vision assummed she hated her kids. I can understand someone loving their kids but hating being a mother.. That is possibly on par with hating your well-paid job but liking the lifestyle and comfortability it gives you.

 

I will sometimes sit and watch the kids and I will bottle feed one, while spoon feeding another and speaking to the other. I don't have to be asked to do it, I just want to help out and lighten the load. She is not under the doctor's supervision and being treated for depression.

 

Ultimately, it is her life and she has to decide what she has to do for the the better. I just wish she didn't rush and have kids with this guy, he reminds me of a Neneh Cherry song. If she would have waited to see his true colours she would have ran a mile. She also said that to me too. But, hindsight is a wonderful thing isn't it?!

 

What a sad existence. She said she likes hanging out with me because it is the only bit of escapism she has and that I understand and 'get' her.

 

Has anyone here been through anything similar? Last night, it was on my mind alot and I even woke up in the middle of the night and it was still on my mind.

 

Are there any support groups I could refer her to?

 

Thanks for reading.

[basil67]

I don't know what to say. He's toxic - you've detailed enough about him that I don't have to reiterate any of it.

 

But she's clearly not all there either. Yes, autism parenting is tough (I know this first hand) but giving away her child? Not knowing she was pregnant till after 12 weeks three times and blaming kids for ruining her life? Give me a break.

 

I don't suppose the two of them are drug users? It's just too dysfunctional for words.

 

I honestly don't know how to help her because I'd possibly walk away from a friend who said such things about their kids.

[Arieswoman]

Q.My friend is in a toxic relationship, what can I do?

 

A. Nothing (for her)

 

 

What you can do for yourself is distance yourself from this girl and her toxic mixed-up lifestyle, otherwise it'll just drag you down.

 

You need to wean her off you and steer her towards an autism support group

 

The National Autistic Society | - NAS

 

 

^^^ this is in UK, but I'm sure there will be similar in USA.

[candie13]

Agreed with the other poster. Helping her would be codependent. She needs to dump that abuser from her Life and stop looking for salvation coming from other people - men. That's hardcore change and a lot of women never ever go through that. At best, they replace abusers while getting pregnant and having various children with various men so that they wouldn't leave her.

 

Stay away, not only is she in a toxic RS but she is toxic herself. People like that bring You down. Search for people who lift You up and give You something.

 

Cheers

[bathtub-row]

Your friend simply creates drama for herself. What on earth could you possibly do for a person like this? I have a friend who's very much like this. It's constant drama with her, and a lot of it is her own doing. I have a lot of trouble dealing with drama so I distance myself from her. However, I've known her since childhood and she has a heart of gold. I love and care for her deeply, but I can't involve myself with her crazy life for very long. You'll probably have to do the same thing with this friend of yours.