! Really Struggling Here!

[Beatles4]

I just don't know how I am floating though life without meeting any women(who are single) not getting any dates, still, just nothing!

 

I cant get a date or a girlfriend to save my life.

 

The age of 27 nearly 28, there just isnt that many single women around who actually want to go out, all my friends are practically taken up, and arent really interested in helping me, apart from asking me everytime they see me if I have a girlfriend yet.

 

you know, I did post a couple months back about making changes, but one thing one I posted was that girls I do meet arnt really willing to talk?

 

like the time my friend invited his girl mate out who invited her mate out, she hardly spoke to me, and left early.

 

Then when I was at a festival this weekend gone, was on the prowl, I mean tens of thousands of people were there, should be possible to meet a girl right??, that I could go out with, but nope, one girl I tried speaking to who appeared to be on her own, tried speaking to her only to get one word answers?

 

But with thousands of people there you would think its easy to hook up with girls, but it really was impossible.

 

Someone point me in the right direction!

Edited June 1, 2016 by Beatles4

[youmeuniverse]

Hi,

I can hear in your words frustration, impatience...

 

When you are together with girls, in what emotional state are you?

I mean when you are in the situation, not thinking about it. When you where at the festival for example, you see a girl... what happens? Can you describe with your words what's going on - what do you think? feel? do?

[Satu]

The 'cold approach' is not the best way.

 

Common interest is better. Join some clubs and societies centred around your interests. The plus point with that is that you have something to talk about right from the start.

 

Also realise that the gene pool of your social circle is far too small when it comes to finding a girlfriend. Work on expanding your social circle beyond it current limits.

 

 

Take care.

[Beatles4]

My eyes were looking for girls of which I think were single or alone, and if I see a girl I was just thinking that, is she alone, do I have the confidence to speak to her, is she in my league, what can i talk to her about etc etc lol

 

Then I approached her.

 

But really if girls dont want to talk back, not really much I can do.

 

And yes its really frustrating!

 

Am really desperate to change something....

[Beatles4]

The 'cold approach' is not the best way.

 

Common interest is better. Join some clubs and societies centred around your interests. The plus point with that is that you have something to talk about right from the start.

 

Also realise that the gene pool of your social circle is far too small when it comes to finding a girlfriend. Work on expanding your social circle beyond it current limits.

 

 

Take care.

 

Ya but you would think going to Festivals or or going Church which I both do, is a start to finding a girlfriend, but even then am struggling!

[ZA Dater]

My only advice and I can relate to a certain extent.

 

Keep trying.

[Kics]

As a single girl I always enjoy it when guys approach me. Even if I am not interested it's nice to have a chat with people. For one have you tried online dating? Join some clubs or take some classes like yoga? cycling?

[ZA Dater]

Sounds like the women you are hitting on just aren't interested. Try talking to less attractive women. You will have better chances.

 

How does a less attractive women mean better chances, are you implying less attractive are more desperate?

[Buddhist]

How does a less attractive women mean better chances, are you implying less attractive are more desperate?

 

No. He's implying that the OP is approaching girls he doesn't stand much chance with because he isn't their type. Try something else until you get reciprocity, its the only way to really know who you are attractive to.

 

That goes for both men and women really. Of course the most highly attractive people are going to get hit on by everyone. No-one's immune to the effect of beauty. A lot of people do not understand the difference between a having a chance and having unrealistic expectations. It's very difficult to judge your own attractiveness level....biases aplenty.

[ZA Dater]

No. He's implying that the OP is approaching girls he doesn't stand much chance with because he isn't their type. Try something else until you get reciprocity, its the only way to really know who you are attractive to.

 

That goes for both men and women really. Of course the most highly attractive people are going to get hit on by everyone. No-one's immune to the effect of beauty. A lot of people do not understand the difference between a having a chance and having unrealistic expectations. It's very difficult to judge your own attractiveness level....biases aplenty.

 

Yes, fantastic advice, clearly the OP is approaching people he finds attractive, what you are advocating is he approaches people he doesn't find attractive because "oh well that's the best he can do".

 

I'd never advise someone to buy into such extremely superficial advice but then again what do I know.

 

Clearly if the OP isn't having any luck there are a multitude of possible reasons yet people default to "oh he is approaching people out of his league", one would think being in places with shared interests would help but clearly it isn't in this instance and perhaps that's a better question to ask.

 

What is a league anyway, countless times on this forum people have mentioned hot ladies date less than hot guys , why isn't this advice being dispatched here?

Edited June 3, 2016 by ZA Dater

[Buddhist]

Yes, fantastic advice, clearly the OP is approaching people he finds attractive, what you are advocating is he approaches people he doesn't find attractive because "oh well that's the best he can do".

 

No. He's advising the OP approach other women because his success rate to date is zero. Of course he welcome to continue his approach, but is it working for him?

 

I'd never advise someone to buy into such extremely superficial advice but then again what do I know.

 

Good question. What do you know?

 

Clearly if the OP isn't having any luck there are a multitude of possible reasons yet people default to "oh he is approaching people out of his league", one would think being in places with shared interests would help but clearly it isn't in this instance and perhaps that's a better question to ask.

 

Well this thread included more than just that advice, but it seems much more convenient to forget that for the sake of making an argument.

 

What is a league anyway, countless times on this forum people have mentioned hot ladies date less than hot guys , why isn't this advice being dispatched here?

 

Because very often those less than hot guys have other things going for them. If you have compensating characteristics then sure, go for it. Yet the advice you're complaining about was dispatched after the OP stated he just can't get any interest. He was given advice on how he could get some interest.

 

The OP is welcome to take that advice or not. No matter how much it offends your sensibilities. Hot women dating average guys isn't the norm. It's the exception. If you want to advise people to try and be the exception in life go for it. No-one is stopping you. It's generally accepted though that we learn to swim before we enter ourselves into the 100m Olympic freestyle.

Edited June 3, 2016 by Buddhist

[elaine567]

What is a league anyway, countless times on this forum people has hot ladies date less than hot guys , why isn't this advice being dispatched here?

 

Because common things are well, common.

It is not common for less than hot guys to date hot women, unless there are "other attractive" qualities involved ie personality, power, wealth, intelligence, common interests, mutual friends...

If a guy is struggling to get a date, any date, then he is not likely to possess such "other attractive" qualities, else he would have options, so he is usually stuck with the league of physical attractiveness.

If he is pitching at women out of his league of physical attractiveness, then he is unlikely to get many positive responses especially on cold approaches.

He would need a charismatic personality to pull that off and for struggling guys a sparkling, spontaneously witty personality is not something they usually possess.

That is why people who are trying hard to find dates need to be realistic and choose their target market well, else they will forever be disappointed.

It is no coincidence Angelina Jolie married Brad Pitt, and Danny DeVito married Rhea Perlman, people tend to pair up with people who are approximately their equals in the physical attractiveness stakes.

 

Finding hot people attractive is fine, but if no-one is going to reciprocate by being interested back, then that quest for a gf will almost always be doomed to fail.

A person may WANT to be an astronaut, but if they meet none of the criteria to be an astronaut then they will never get the job.

Just wanting something is no guarantee of success.

Edited June 3, 2016 by elaine567

[ZA Dater]

No. He's advising the OP approach other women because his success rate to date is zero. Of course he welcome to continue his approach, but is it working for him?

 

 

 

Good question. What do you know?

 

 

 

Well this thread included more than just that advice, but it seems much more convenient to forget that for the sake of making an argument.

 

 

 

Because very often those less than hot guys have other things going for them. If you have compensating characteristics then sure, go for it. Yet the advice you're complaining about was dispatched after the OP stated he just can't get any interest. He was given advice on how he could get some interest.

 

The OP is welcome to take that advice or not. No matter how much it offends your sensibilities. Hot women dating average guys isn't the norm. It's the exception. If you want to advise people to try and be the exception in life go for it. No-one is stopping you. It's generally accepted though that we learn to swim before we enter ourselves into the 100m Olympic freestyle.

 

You are right I disagree with everything you say.

 

You basically advocate going after someone you don't like for the sake of attracting interest, last time I checked dating wasn't Maslows Pyramid where one works ones way up to self actualisation or the dating equivalent which in this case seems to be implied as being the hot lady.

 

You are right I don't know much but what I do know is there is there is scant consolation in getting interest from people you are not interested in to begin with. Been there, have the T shirt.

 

Not sure why anyone would advocate such a "wall paper over a hole in wall' solution.

 

The OP is better advised trying to figure out why he cant find interest in places of mutual interest, that would be more beneficial then trying to date down as you suggest for the sake of having interest which isn't really interest you want to begin with.

[ZA Dater]

Because common things are well, common.

It is not common for less than hot guys to date hot women, unless there are "other attractive" qualities involved ie personality, power, wealth, intelligence, common interests, mutual friends...

If a guy is struggling to get a date, any date, then he is not likely to possess such "other attractive" qualities, else he would have options, so he is usually stuck with the league of physical attractiveness.

If he is pitching at women out of his league of physical attractiveness, then he is unlikely to get many positive responses especially on cold approaches.

He would need a charismatic personality to pull that off and for struggling guys a sparkling, spontaneously witty personality is not something they usually possess.

That is why people who are trying hard to find dates need to be realistic and choose their target market well, else they will forever be disappointed.

It is no coincidence Angelina Jolie married Brad Pitt, and Danny DeVito married Rhea Perlman, people tend to pair up with people who are approximately their equals in the physical attractiveness stakes.

 

Finding hot people attractive is fine, but if no-one is going to reciprocate by being interested back, then that quest for a gf will almost always be doomed to fail.

A person may WANT to be an astronaut, but if they meet none of the criteria to be an astronaut then they will never get the job.

Just wanting something is no guarantee of success.

 

All very sensible but I simply could never suggest anyone ever stop going after what they want in life, the OP must have things he wants and I would suggest he chases them. Simply because I can relate to an certain extent and to be honest who logically wants to be with someone they don't want simply because that person gives them the attention nobody else does?

 

That to me is settling for mediocrity and over compromising.

 

At the end of the day the OP needs to decide whether any attention will do or if he wants something more specific, this will depend on what his likes are.

 

Agreed, wanting something is no guarantee of success but having something you don't want is a sure guarantee with unhappiness.

 

Realistic, realistic in which persons mind? That cannot be defined its subjective, I am sure the OP is being realistic in his approaches.

 

Physical attractiveness equals, that's a new one to me, perhaps the OP should describe himself so we can determine an ideal partner.

 

At the end of the day there is probably something wrong in the approach if ladies wont even talk to him or he is too intense.

[Justanaverageguy]

The 'cold approach' is not the best way.

 

Common interest is better. Join some clubs and societies centred around your interests. The plus point with that is that you have something to talk about right from the start.

 

Also realise that the gene pool of your social circle is far too small when it comes to finding a girlfriend. Work on expanding your social circle beyond it current limits.

 

 

Take care.

 

Great advice here from Satu - I echo what he said.

 

Also to further this I would say you need to adjust your mindset. From your post you are completely focused on the outcome. Girlfriend \ Hooking up .... but not focused on the process of getting to that point.

 

You talk about going to a festival with thousands of people and expecting to just bump into some random and hookup. Your chasing instant results.

 

Try a different approach - take away the pressure and expectations - stop thinking I need a girlfriend or I need to hookup with someone and think .... I'm just going to have fun and meet some interesting people. This allows you to be more relaxed, confident, fun and not seem like a stage 5 clingon who is desperate for anyone Girls can read this pretty easily when you are talking to them - many will feel quite uncomfortable if its clear your trying to hit on them but they don't know you from a bar of soap.

 

Start focusing on not hitting on girls but instead just spreading your scoial circle and just being and interesting and fun guy to hang out with. Get to know them a little better before trying to get dates etc.

[elaine567]

At the end of the day there is probably something wrong in the approach if ladies wont even talk to him or he is too intense.

Maybe, maybe not.

The "fault" if any needs to be doled out, may indeed lie at the "lady's" door.

He said she appeared alone at the festival, so she may be antisocial, poor personality, introverted or painfully shy, or something happened ie just fallen out with the bf or her friends so sad or angry. or she was not enjoying the festival and just wanted to go home, or she had just stepped out for a moment to get some "space", or she never talks to strange men as she is afraid of them, or she dislikes being "chatted up", or she already has a bf/partner/husband, or she is interested in someone else, or she is just not into men, or she just not interested in the OP for whatever reason... etc. etc.

 

Had he described 20+ instances of women at the festival not talking to him, ignoring him, being rude to him... then we may conclude something perhaps, but one?

[JuneJulySeptember]

Sounds like the women you are hitting on just aren't interested. Try talking to less attractive women. You will have better chances.

 

In my experiences, it doesn't really work.

 

If I were to suggest anything, I would say what worked a bit for me is to go for women who are on more of the fringe of society.

 

Let's say I'm trying to get two women to go on a date with me.

 

Woman A is very physically attractive, is from a foreign country, immigrated to the states and went to college later on in life, started a career late, maybe hasn't seen that much or traveled that much in the states.

 

Woman B is marginally attractive, born in the States in a rich suburb, went to an Ivy League school, goes to Fashion Week and wine festivals galore, etc.

 

These are two actual women that I attempted to date, and I got Woman A. Woman B shut me down almost immediately, even though my actual background is much closer to hers. I was born in the suburbs, went to a school that's always rated in the top 25, go to 'hip' events in the city, have a graduate degree, have lived in Brooklyn, yada, yada, , yada.

 

Sometimes life experiences make women more humble, and I think those are the kind of gals more willing to date 'guys like us'. Guys who aren't 'hot', or 'super interesting or intellectual, always have the clutch witty thing to say' or 'Mr. REI cover man who goes adventuring to a new country every three weeks'.

 

Also, foreign women (from less developed countries) are more down to Earth. The people on this message board who go on endless dates and/or go on about not being able to find a mate who is smart enough, handsome/pretty enough, successful enough, interesting enough are almost all from the US or UK.

 

How different do you think a dating message board in say, Brazil or Romania would be?

 

That's real advice from my beats. I'm not bashing all US women. I'm just saying look for a more down to Earth type of gal.

Edited June 3, 2016 by JuneJulySeptember

[ZA Dater]

In my experiences, it doesn't really work.

 

If I were to suggest anything, I would say what worked a bit for me is to go for women who are on more of the fringe of society.

 

Let's say I'm trying to get two women to go on a date with me.

 

Woman A is very physically attractive, is from a foreign country, immigrated to the states and went to college later on in life, started a career late, maybe hasn't seen that much or traveled that much in the states.

 

Woman B is marginally attractive, born in the States in a rich suburb, went to an Ivy League school, goes to Fashion Week and wine festivals galore, etc.

 

These are two actual women that I attempted to date, and I got Woman A. Woman B shut me down almost immediately, even though my actual background is much closer to hers. I was born in the suburbs, went to a school that's always rated in the top 25, go to 'hip' events in the city, have a graduate degree, have lived in Brooklyn, yada, yada, , yada.

 

Sometimes life experiences make women more humble, and I think those are the kind of gals more willing to date 'guys like us'. Guys who aren't 'hot', or 'super interesting or intellectual, always have the clutch witty thing to say' or 'Mr. REI cover man who goes adventuring to a new country every three weeks'.

 

Also, foreign women (from less developed countries) are more down to Earth. The people on this message board who go on endless dates and/or go on about not being able to find a mate who is smart enough, handsome/pretty enough, successful enough, interesting enough are almost all from the US or UK.

 

How different do you think a dating message board in say, Brazil or Romania would be?

 

That's real advice from my beats. I'm not bashing all US women. I'm just saying look for a more down to Earth type of gal.

 

I don't think there would be any difference at all.

 

The OP needs to give us more info in order to hazard a guess as to why he doesn't enjoy any degree of success.

[JuneJulySeptember]

I don't think there would be any difference at all.

 

The OP needs to give us more info in order to hazard a guess as to why he doesn't enjoy any degree of success.

 

His situation sounds pretty similar to mine has always been.

 

I talk to a lot of women and most of them are not interested.

 

Just keep trying. There's really no other good advice.

 

The foreign thing is something that applies to my life, and might be specific to my situation yes.

Edited June 3, 2016 by JuneJulySeptember

[Beatles4]

Thankyou guys and girls!!!

 

 

I posted here the other day, tbh didnt think it would go anywhere when I left if the other day, bearing in mind have posted a few times before on this forum and I dont think I have ever had kind of support and advice before until I posted this thread, its been amazing reading the reply's!

 

The nail has hit the head multiple times!

 

I know it wont happen today or tomorrow, but have taken the advice in, will be working on it, and I must thank you all for posting!

 

Thankyou everyone!

[youmeuniverse]

I think whatever you do in your daily life, do it because you love it. Things will happen naturally when you are in a good mood, because she will be there.

 

The right girl will be there for you at the right time.

 

When someone get's too desperate or frustrated others around that person will sense that no matter what topic we are talking about. Maybe some more than others.

 

And don't compare your life to others that already have a relationship. I know that's easier said than done, maybe you can think more about what you like about their relationships and how you want to be when you have one.

 

Believe that someone is on your way to you. Forget the pressure on being somewhere else. Enjoy where you are right now and do what you love to do.

This will attract girls to you - wouldn't that be nice, like the other way around? :-)

[redbaron007]

...

 

Then when I was at a festival this weekend gone, was on the prowl, I mean tens of thousands of people were there, should be possible to meet a girl right??, that I could go out with, but nope, one girl I tried speaking to who appeared to be on her own, tried speaking to her only to get one word answers?

 

But with thousands of people there you would think its easy to hook up with girls, but it really was impossible.

 

Someone point me in the right direction!

 

I can only speculate but I think you have been on a dry spell for a while - when was the last time you had sex with a woman? I won so many celibacy points that I could qualify as a priest/monk in any religion by virtue of my 365+days of celibacy....till two days ago when I gave up my "won't pay for sex" mindset and hired an escort. She was so phenomenal that, well...let's take today for example. Like you I went to a local music festival since Lady Antebellum was playing in the area. Thousands of young women in their skimpiest outfits were around, and not more than four or five came close to being as "hot" as the escort. Now how is that relevant? For me, I did not feel any desperation at all to approach these girls. I chatted/flirted with quite a few, but there was not even the basic anxiety that I feel when I approach women. I'm not saying this is the right direction, but hiring an escort could remove some of the desperation....not having sex for an extended duration can sometimes add to the anxiety...just saying!

[VeveCakes]

Things to be aware of, personal hygeine, personal space, confidence.

 

Get those three sorted and you should be able to land some dates.

[Beatles4]

I think one of the other things is alot of women don't like me in that way or see me in that way, and am like how can I change that?

 

If they wont see me like that then they wont go out with me.

[Beatles4]

Things to be aware of, personal hygeine, personal space, confidence.

 

Get those three sorted and you should be able to land some dates.

 

Nah, because I dont smell like a tramp, have showers regularly or at least when I go out, and put on nice deodrant/aftershave!

 

personal space am good with, and while I do have confidence, maybe not on the same level of the next guy fair enough, but girls just wont see me in that way or like me in that way, this is what I need to change!

 

But I dont know how!