Always fighting

[Kkt8]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 years and 3 months. He is the greatest guy in this universe. I couldn’t ask for a better man. We have been together since high school and we are still very young. He doesn’t like fighting or starting any issues, it seems as if it’s always me that starts the littlest fights which quickly escalate to bigger fights. For example: I could ask him to put the dishes in the dishwasher and he says okay, well 5-10 minutes go by and he still hasn’t done them (most of the time I am busy cleaning something else that’s I wasn’t currently able to do it) so I say are you going to do them or what? To me I don’t see this as being mean I guess it’s just how I am, but to him he takes it defensively and will snap at me and it’s all downhill from there. It’s always fights over the littlest things but they always get so serious to the point of maybe ending things. Well, I might have already lost him this time. He’s sick of all of the fighting and I understand, I don’t want to fight either. I just know this is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. I will try anything in order to stop me from being so snappy all the time. Other then the small stupid fights we are great! Any advice? I want to prove to him that I can be with him without fighting, if it’s not too late.

[Satu]

Stop trying to control him.

 

You probably don't realise that you're doing that, but you are.

 

If he doesn't want to put the dishes into the dishwasher within 5-10 minutes, he doesn't have to. He can do it in 20-mins or half an hour, if he wants to, as long as he does actually do it.

 

Stop managing him. You're not his boss.

 

 

Take care.

[Michelle ma Belle]

"Other then the small stupid fights we are great!"

 

I'm sorry but give me a break.

 

Relationships are FILLED with endless small stupid stuff which means it doesn't leave you much room in your relationship for things to be 'great'.

 

Besides, if you things are all that great then you wouldn't be on here asking for advice about how to keep him.

 

The answer is simple...STOP NAGGING HIM! That's YOUR issue, not his. You're the control freak, not him.

 

Ever heard the saying "don't sweat the small stuff?" I suggest you read the book and adopt that motto and then maybe you have a shot.

 

Good luck.

[Kkt8]

Thanks Satu. & Michelle you're clearly rude. I pretty much say I know it's my fault & im always snapping at him but no need to be rude. I know it's MY issue, that's why I'm asking for advice not HIM. But yes other then the fighting we are GREAT, he says it himself. We're best friends he do everything together, very adventourus couple that actually likes hanging with one another. Anyways, like I stated before I know this is MY issue hints the reason I'm on here.

[Satu]

Thanks Satu. & Michelle you're clearly rude. I pretty much say I know it's my fault & im always snapping at him but no need to be rude. I know it's MY issue, that's why I'm asking for advice not HIM. But yes other then the fighting we are GREAT, he says it himself. We're best friends he do everything together, very adventourus couple that actually likes hanging with one another. Anyways, like I stated before I know this is MY issue hints the reason I'm on here.

 

Just let him organise himself.

 

If he agrees to do something, let him do it according to his own timetable.

 

If we look at this through the eyes of Transactional Analysis, when you have these disagreements, you are relating to him from a Parent Mode, and pushing him into Child Mode.

 

Ideally you would be best doing your chores when you're both in Adult Mode.

 

Adults manage themselves.

 

That situation would be one of equality.

 

 

Here is something to read which will introduce you to the idea of Ego States, if thats something you're not aware of.

 

 

Take care.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Thanks Satu. & Michelle you're clearly rude. I pretty much say I know it's my fault & im always snapping at him but no need to be rude. I know it's MY issue, that's why I'm asking for advice not HIM. But yes other then the fighting we are GREAT, he says it himself. We're best friends he do everything together, very adventourus couple that actually likes hanging with one another. Anyways, like I stated before I know this is MY issue hints the reason I'm on here.

 

I think you need to read your opening thread again very carefully.

 

The choice of words you used to describe your situation in your OP is very telling. We can only comment on how you present yourself on here since we aren't flies on your wall. Apart from a weak disclaimer, the picture you painted for us isn't one of utter bliss especially when you're telling us how snappy you get over the tiny little things which seems to happen a lot anymore.

 

As for not liking my response, I'm sorry but just because you don't like it doesn't necessarily make it wrong.

 

I think my advice was bang on. It's your issue and since you seem to know it's your issue that means YOU have control over how you behave. Don't like being snappy or nagging him all the time or having all your 'stupid fights escalate into almost ending things' (YOUR words, not mine btw)? Then don't do it. Simple.

 

I'm not sure how else to answer this.

[bathtub-row]

I don't know. I agree that you need to stop nagging him but this kind of stuff shouldn't turn into WWIII either. It sounds like he possibly has you walking on eggshells.

 

Maybe reading the "Women are from Mars" book would help you understand the difference between him being too hot headed and you nagging him; and the basic dynamics of relationships.

[RecentChange]

Pick your battles, learn to compromise, and treat him with respect.

 

There are lots of ways to avoid this sort of fighting.

 

Really think about your delivery, are you speaking to him respectfully?

 

so I say are you going to do them or what?

 

Most people would find this sort of delivery rude, I know I would bristle if spoken to this way.

 

An alternative would be "Hey, can you help me with these dishes? I need them out of the way so I can use the sink, and my hands are full right now"

 

Speak to him like an adult you respect. Let him know WHY you want it done right then, and not on his own schedule.

 

If its something that does not need done THAT MOMENT, don't nag, don't snap, don't be rude - also is there a reason you have to delegate tasks to him?

 

Be sure to show him that you APPRECIATE what he does do. "Hey thanks for doing the dishes"

 

It basically comes down to the golden rule - and more flies with honey and all of that.

[Satu]

I don't know. I agree that you need to stop nagging him but this kind of stuff shouldn't turn into WWIII either. It sounds like he possibly has you walking on eggshells.

 

Maybe reading the "Women are from Mars" book would help you understand the difference between him being too hot headed and you nagging him; and the basic dynamics of relationships.

 

"Women are from Venus, men are from Detroit."

[standtall]

Kkt8..you're going to have to decide to accept him as he is or not. You cannot change another person's behavior, they have to change it themselves. If you keep pushing, he will begin to resent you, and it will go downhill from there...until your relationship is dead.

[ShatteredLady]

Hi. People are creatures of habit. When we say, "It's just how I am" what we really mean is "It's the habit I've got myself into". Habits can be changed. No-one wants to be treated like a child or spoken to rudely. This sounds like something that's well within your control to change.

 

 

We all know what it's like. Sometimes we wake in a bad mood. Sometimes we're a bit tired or stressed from work & we snap about things, they become a big deal when, really? The dish washer? There are far more important things in life.

 

Sometimes we feel an emotion for no good reason & instead of counting to 10 or just saying "sorry babe, I'm in a grumpy mood" we look for someone to put the blame on.

 

Life can be so much nicer than this. You can change this. It doesn't take long to change habits.

 

Best Wishes.

[Arieswoman]

KT8,

 

 

For example: I could ask him to put the dishes in the dishwasher and he says okay, well 5-10 minutes go by and he still hasn’t done them (most of the time I am busy cleaning something else that’s I wasn’t currently able to do it) so I say are you going to do them or what?

 

Have you ever waited to see if he actually does do it? And if so how long does it take him?

[LostOnes05]

Yea, you are nagging him. And it sounds like a mom telling a child to eat his vegetables or no ice cream. I mean 5-10 minutes isn't long to let the dishes sit there...they won't run away or get any dirtier. Relax...listen to some Enya and drink a glass of wine. Think about saying something like "Sweetheart, before bed would you mind loading the dishwasher?", and even add in that you'll help if need be. A lot of times it's the way something is said that irks people.

 

Obviously, I don't speak for all men but the "or what?" would rub me the wrong way too. It's kinda like that old saying, "When I say jump...you better ask how high". Same concept. It's almost as if he didn't do it right at that moment or within your projected time frame, he automatically became the villain.

 

Ease up on the guy and look for some relaxation techniques.

[basil67]

You're nagging him. I know you say it's a great relationship other than the fighting - but he's got one foot out the door. At present the fighting is overwhelming the otherwise great relationship.

 

If you ask him for help and he doesn't do the job ever, then you've got a problem. But if he simply needs to do it in his own time, then you need to back off and leave him be.

[Arieswoman]

OP,

From Basil,

If you ask him for help and he doesn't do the job ever, then you've got a problem. But if he simply needs to do it in his own time, then you need to back off and leave him be.

 

This is what I was trying to find out.

 

If he was like my exH and wouldn't do it at all, then that's a different situation to someone who just wants to be left alone to get on with it.

 

so I say are you going to do them or what?

 

This ^^ is adversarial. If someone spoke to me like that I would be pretty ticked off.

 

"Please can you help me with this" would be better.

[Lois_Griffin]

Thanks Satu. & Michelle you're clearly rude. I pretty much say I know it's my fault & im always snapping at him but no need to be rude. I know it's MY issue, that's why I'm asking for advice not HIM. But yes other then the fighting we are GREAT, he says it himself. We're best friends he do everything together, very adventourus couple that actually likes hanging with one another. Anyways, like I stated before I know this is MY issue hints the reason I'm on here.

Did you ever stop to think that maybe you resent him because it clearly sounds like YOU do all the work around the house while he sits on his ass.

 

So been there and SO done that.

 

Back when I was married, I worked full time, commuted 60 miles each way, and did 100% of the cleaning, laundry, cooking, food shopping, bill paying, house updating and everything else. One time I was on a ladder painting the ceiling and my ex husband was on the couch watching football. The dryer buzzer went off and I asked him - from the ladder - if he'd please get the clothes from the dryer. He said 'next commercial.' He never got them and I chose NOT to nag him to see if he'd do it.

 

Well, the next morning I had to re-dry them to get the wrinkles out of them and did it myself. So asking nicely didn't do sh*t.

 

That's a REAL good way to build resentment towards your partner when you're the one busting her ass all the time while HE does nothing and acts as though he's doing YOU a favor when he does.

 

It kind of sounds like you've got the same dynamic going on at your place.

[blackcat777]

Dirty dishes specifically are an issue with my boyfriend - he always says he'll do them, and he usually never does... Or I just can't wait three days...

 

That particular issue is one I've taken on myself. I like to cook in a clean kitchen and I don't like things piling up and getting disgusting.

 

BUT, my boyfriend does his fair share of other things. He manages all the bill paying, does the fixing, cooks dinner for me when I come home from work late, and if I'm ever sick or tired, he will make sure that the cleaning is done on "my time table."

 

What is his level of contribution? Can you divide tasks in a way that is equal but different and satisfactory to both? Or is he lazy and does he tune you out completely?

[Kkt8]

Thank you everyone for the advice. I do want to throw out that yes I do all of the house work which I have no problem with because I want to take care of him, but very rarely do I ask for help. My problem isn't exactly with the house work or dishes, it's really with myself and I'm just now starting to accept it. That was just one example of a way I pick a fight over something so stupid. He could put his shoes in the wrong spot and I'm mad, not that he does it intentionally but little things lately have just set me off. So I'm pretty much asking if anyone has advice for me personally? I need to learn ways to improve how I speak to him and not go off for such little things. He is great and never tries to fight, only when I start the problems does he fire back then it turns into something much bigger then what it started. I've realized this is my problem and I'm asking advice on how to fix myself, so if you're going to reply just to tell me to lay off and stop nagging please don't. If it was just that easy to stop in the blink of an eye I wouldn't be on here asking for advice.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Kkt8, have you thought of consulting a counsellor with a psychology background? Your problem may be more in the nature of a behavioural disorder rather than anything else. A properly trained counsellor would be able to guide you through a regimen which could retrain the way you see things and react to them. At the same time I would endorse what Lois griffin had to say. If your boyfriend does not do "anything" to help around the house or gets on your nerves for little things which he could have beenore sensitive about, then all of it may not be solely your fault. Only you know what the real situation is since you are wearing the shoes and know where they pinch. The fact is that these fights may just be THE symptom of incompatibility that will eventually destroy your relationship and therefore you need to take heed now rather than later. Hope this helps.

[Kkt8]

Just a guy,

I am currently looking into it now. I feel like with a little help I can find out more about what makes me this way and if it's just me that needs the help of if its me with him that's causing this.

[LostOnes05]

Thank you everyone for the advice. I do want to throw out that yes I do all of the house work which I have no problem with because I want to take care of him, but very rarely do I ask for help. My problem isn't exactly with the house work or dishes, it's really with myself and I'm just now starting to accept it. That was just one example of a way I pick a fight over something so stupid. He could put his shoes in the wrong spot and I'm mad, not that he does it intentionally but little things lately have just set me off. So I'm pretty much asking if anyone has advice for me personally? I need to learn ways to improve how I speak to him and not go off for such little things. He is great and never tries to fight, only when I start the problems does he fire back then it turns into something much bigger then what it started. I've realized this is my problem and I'm asking advice on how to fix myself, so if you're going to reply just to tell me to lay off and stop nagging please don't. If it was just that easy to stop in the blink of an eye I wouldn't be on here asking for advice.

 

Lol, but it is that easy. I understand you do most of the work around the house. That shouldn't be happening. But even in the way you answer here, you've automatically jumped into defense mode...so think about this "Are you gonna stop nagging or what?" Kinda sounds like I'm challenging you, right? Wouldn't sound too nice, right?

 

I think you need more clearly defined roles around the house. Talk to him and literally make a list of household tasks that are essential to be split between you. So:

 

Xxxx Trash. Laundry.

 

Mon. Fred Denise

Tues

Wed

Thurs

Fri

Sat

Sun

* format wont stay, but you get it.

 

And check off when you do things. So if it's his week for dishes and the sink is still full on Sunday, it's cut and dry. A visual along with a verbal reminder that he didn't do his part may be more effective. Once you get someone in the routine of doing certain things, it becomes easier.

 

If you get upset and feel like you're picking at things, just walk away and do something else. That will clear your mind and give you time to think about whether it is worth an argument or not. Personally, I like to go for a drive when I get annoyed...just cruise around and find new places. But find something that can cool you off before you approach him.

Edited June 2, 2016 by LostOnes05

[anika99]

Thank you everyone for the advice. I do want to throw out that yes I do all of the house work which I have no problem with because I want to take care of him, but very rarely do I ask for help. My problem isn't exactly with the house work or dishes, it's really with myself and I'm just now starting to accept it. That was just one example of a way I pick a fight over something so stupid. He could put his shoes in the wrong spot and I'm mad, not that he does it intentionally but little things lately have just set me off. So I'm pretty much asking if anyone has advice for me personally? I need to learn ways to improve how I speak to him and not go off for such little things. He is great and never tries to fight, only when I start the problems does he fire back then it turns into something much bigger then what it started. I've realized this is my problem and I'm asking advice on how to fix myself, so if you're going to reply just to tell me to lay off and stop nagging please don't. If it was just that easy to stop in the blink of an eye I wouldn't be on here asking for advice.

 

It's a control issue. Counselling can help with that but also doing little things to practice letting go of expectations and of absolute control can help. For example, when you ask your BF to do the dishes it seems that your expectation is that he will immediately go to the kitchen and fulfill your request which isn't reasonable.

 

When my kids were teens I too used to get frustrated when I would ask them to do something and they didn't immediately do it. I found it helped to ask that something be done within a certain timeframe. So in the case of the dishes instead of just saying please do the dishes, I might say, please make sure the dishes are done before dinner. That way my kids didn't feel like they were being nagged or bossed about and I didn't get high blood pressure from monitoring dirty dishes and how long they sat there.

[cc_zero]

Kkt8,

 

See the thing is, you DO have a problem doing "everything for him to take care of him" or else you wouldn't get pissed when you asked him to do something and he didn't do it within 5 minutes.

 

Truth is, you're only talking yourself into the fact that you don't mind doing everything for him because you are still in early stages of a relationship and trying to marry him.

 

After 3 or 4 years of marriage and a kid or 2, you will MOST DEFINITELY care if you are still doing everything.

 

You are essentially setting yourself up for failure by allowing him to believe that you are fine always doing all the housework. You're the one doing that, so it will be on you when you are super pissed about it 5 years from now with a kid and married.

 

Don't cater to him to try to get him to marry you. That won't help anything.