Is it time to call it a day?

[MrsConfuse]

Thanks for accepting me onto this forum - I am here because I am just so confused and could use some other perspectives. Sorry in advance for the essay.

 

I have been married for sometime now and have been with my husband for over 10 years.

 

When we first met, he wasn't my type at all. I was having a hard time at home with my parents and I enjoyed spending time with him and escaping the drama at home.

 

We ended up falling for each other and things moved quickly. We moved in together, got engaged. Life seemed good and I was happy - he was romantic, he liked spending time with me and he treated me well. However it didn't last.

 

He then started to change. He became arrogant and controlling. Everything has to be done his way, whatever I did was wrong. He started spending less time with me and would always be glued to the computer or his phone.

 

He became distant, wouldn't hold my hand, only pecks on the lips, always so keen to get away. Our sex life also took a massive dive to practically non-existent. I would try to initiate things and he would blow me off every time saying he didn't feel like it.

 

One day, things got the better of me and I decided to look on the browser history - I discovered he had been watching porn the minute I stepped out of the house. I felt gutted. I know guys look at this stuff and never had a problem with it before. However, I had been trying to initiate things with him for weeks and he blew me off everytime saying he wasn't in the mood. I just felt really hurt and it knocked my self esteem.

 

I spoke to him about this, tried to find out the cause. He wouldn't talk to me about it and called me a liar. This happened also on the 3 occasions after when I again found he had been looking at porn. I tried spicing things up but still, he wasn't interested.

 

I also found messages where he had been talking to women (who we both know to be home wreckers), I also found emails in a hidden account he didn't realise I knew about and saw he had been viewing some girls profile over 20 times. Whilst there was nothing sexual in them - he still felt the need to lie which made me worry and feel increasingly paranoid.

 

I know I should never have looked but this guy is so hard to talk to, infact near impossible. I just felt like something wasn't right - he just said I was the problem as I didn't trust him. He never understood that his actions were hurting me.

 

One day, for some mad reason, I grabbed his phone to get his attention (I was trying to talk to him) and he went mental. We ended up having a massive row that turned physical on his part. That day I really saw a nasty, bitter side to him. This has been proceed by some incredibly hurting things being said to me.

 

Despite all this, we have stuck together. I loved him and thought "one day things will get better, its a rough patch and all relationship have them".

 

Although we haven't had anymore fights that turned physical, there is always tension in our home. We bicker all the time, he moans at me 24/7 about everything whether it be me doing something the wrong way, or there isn't a spoon in the cupboard so he has to get it himself, what we watch on tv... basically everything.

 

I feel like i've hit a point where I can't stand to be around him. At the same time I do still love him and want to keep our family together for the kids. I've been trying and trying for so long and nothing has got better.

 

Anyway, recently I made a new friend through work and we get on so well. So much in common and we have the best time together. I have found myself thinking about him all the time, excited about the next time I can see him. I am attracted to him and I feel there is a spark there. When I am with him, I am happy... then I go home and morph into this miserable wife I have become.

 

This has made me think that it's time to just give up on my marriage. However, I can't stop thinking "what if" the grass isn't greener, what if no one wants me, how hard it will be financially - I find myself being pulled back in again.

 

I don't know in my heart what to do. I don't know if I am still married because I don't want to hurt my husband, pull my family apart or because I actually want to be with him.

 

All I know, is I can't stop thinking about his other person. Part of me wants to find out more and test the water - at the same time I don't want to be a cheater.

 

I would love to know other peoples thought and opinions.

[Davey L]

If he's being physically violent then get out now.

 

That is the advice I'd give my sister and daughter, and I am sure you friends and relatives would give you too.

[MrsConfuse]

Hi Davey, thanks for your comment. It's not been a full on abusive relationship. There's just been about 2 occasions where things have got too far and turned physical - i've never ended up with a black eye or anything.

[NTV]

 

Anyway, recently I made a new friend through work and we get on so well. So much in common and we have the best time together. I have found myself thinking about him all the time, excited about the next time I can see him. I am attracted to him and I feel there is a spark there. When I am with him, I am happy... then I go home and morph into this miserable wife I have become.

 

 

 

I don't know... none of my friends would put themselves in a position to cause harm to my family. By pursuing a relationship with this guy, that's exactly what he'd be doing.... creating a divide in your marriage.

 

 

Maybe you feel justified in doing it based on how your husband treats you/act out. But that's not really right either. If your husbands actions warranted divorce, you would have divorced already and be free pursue a relationship... so you can't really blame those things.

 

 

I think you definitely shouldn't be pursuing a relationship at work. If you do cheat and it does get found out and your husband does divorce you over it... how much harder will that be if you were fired for having a workplace liaison?

 

 

You've put yourself in a tricky situation but feelings change over time. Heck, if they didn't you'd still feel that spark about your husband that you say went out.

 

 

I think you need to have an honest discussion with your husband. It's okay to tell him 'these are the things I need you to do or I'll leave'.... it's a whole lot different than telling him 'these are the things I need' with an unspoken (or I'll cheat)---that's not okay.

 

 

If you're staying in the marriage for the kids, then you should be modeling how to act/behave/interact the right way in a marriage to them... otherwise what's the point? the tax deduction?

 

 

'course this is all just my opinion. I know you're going to do whatever you want to do regardless of what you hear here. But I would advise you to take a look at what some of the wayward spouses here that have cheated post and see what they're dealing with. It seems like it's very very rare that it ends in rainbows and sunshine.

[Satu]

Your marriage is as dead as a Dodo.

 

You deserve to be treated with respect.

 

You deserve to be loved.

 

Divorce asap, and only then, consider a new relationship.

 

Do not have an affair whilst you are still married; that would be very foolish, and would only compound your problems.

 

Call a lawyer.

 

 

Take care.

[burnt]

If this other man disappeared off the face of the planet, would you stay in the marriage?

 

The decision to stay in this marriage or not should NOT depend on how you feel about this other man or how things may evolve between you two.

 

Do NOT go any farther with this other man. Sometimes these kinds of affair feelings awaken you to come to full realization about how dead your marriage really has been. In your case, it's really obvious from where I stand that this marriage has been dead for a long time. The longer you stay the unhappier you will continue to be. You can do all you want, but your husband pulled away long time ago; but more importantly clearly showing that he's not interested in improving things.

 

In terms of the children: while divorce causes a lot of instability, it is far better for children to grow up with separated HAPPY parents than unhappy parents that are bickering and disconnected 24/7. That is a very toxic environment for any child to be brought up.

 

I am in a similar situation as you are--not identical, but similar. It took me a decade and a half to realize how dysfunctional my marriage has been. I am doing absolutely everything to get out; it's not easy uprooting your entire life after that many years of living in a certain way.

 

I understand your fears, but look ahead--how many years of this can you take? And the longer you stay, the more emotional and psychological energy you will dispense.

 

So, here are your options ahead:

 

1. Start an affair with this other man; it will be fun initially, but it will end in pain and disaster for everyone involved. (Read some threads in the OW/OM and infidelity to get some idea about what happens in an affair).

suggestion: do NOT go for this option.

 

2. Try fixing your marriage; tell your husband that you have had enough and that you are ready to leave; demand MC and his full cooperation. See how that goes for a while. If he changes, then stay in the marriage. Otherwise leave.

 

3. Leave right away. Divorce him and make a fresh start before you feel any more dead inside. Spend some time alone getting your life together and then look to find a new partner.

[MrsConfuse]

Thanks for all your comments. I don't plan to have an affair, i've always been very against it.

 

I guess this other guy has just made me realise that it's possible to enjoy a mans company, that it's possible to have a connection, smile and feel happy.

 

I think my self esteem has taken a battering and I am simply scared to make that massive leap.

[burnt]

It's not been a full on abusive relationship. There's just been about 2 occasions where things have got too far and turned physical - i've never ended up with a black eye or anything.

 

There is such a painfully monumental misunderstanding about the phrase "spousal abuse". Abuse doesn't always look physical in the form of black eye or bruised belly.

 

Emotional and psychological abuse is a LOT worse that develops over the years and is SO subtle that even the abused isn't aware of being abused.

 

May I strongly suggest that you spend a bit of time to read up on emotional abuse. Check the signs and you will see that you fit the bill. Sorry to say you are a clear victim of emotional abuse.

[MrsConfuse]

I will do this - thanks for pointing this out.

 

I just briefly scanned over some signs and it would seem you are correct.

[Davey L]

Hi Davey, thanks for your comment. It's not been a full on abusive relationship. There's just been about 2 occasions where things have got too far and turned physical - i've never ended up with a black eye or anything.

 

Two times is two too many.

 

Next time it will be only three times. Then it will just be occasionally, when you make him angry. And so on.

 

If you were my daughter I'd already be in my car to go and get you.

 

Leave. Now.

[Satu]

Your husband sounds very abusive.

 

 

Look through this list and see how many of these points apply in your case, and be aware that if only one or two are occurring, you're still being abused.

 

 

1. They humiliate you, put you down, or make fun of you in front of other people.

 

2. They regularly demean or disregard your opinions, ideas, suggestions, or needs.

 

3. They use sarcasm or “teasing” to put you down or make you feel bad about yourself.

 

4. They accuse you of being “too sensitive” in order to deflect their abusive remarks.

 

5. They try to control you and treat you like a child.

 

6. They correct or chastise you for your behavior.

 

7. You feel like you need permission to make decisions or go out somewhere.

 

8. They try to control the finances and how you spend money.

 

9. They belittle and trivialize you, your accomplishments, or your hopes and dreams.

 

10. They try to make you feel as though they are always right, and you are wrong.

 

11. They give you disapproving or contemptuous looks or body language.

 

12. They regularly point out your flaws, mistakes, or shortcomings.

 

13. They accuse or blame you of things you know aren’t true.

 

14. They have an inability to laugh at themselves and can’t tolerate others laughing at them.

 

15. They are intolerant of any seeming lack of respect.

 

16. They make excuses for their behavior, try to blame others, and have difficulty apologizing.

17. The repeatedly cross your boundaries and ignore your requests.

 

18. They blame you for their problems, life difficulties, or unhappiness.

 

19. They call you names, give you unpleasant labels, or make cutting remarks under their breath.

 

20. They are emotionally distant or emotionally unavailable most of the time.

 

21. They resort to pouting or withdrawal to get attention or attain what they want.

 

22. They don’t show you empathy or compassion.

 

23. They play the victim and try to deflect blame to you rather than taking personal responsibility.

 

24. They disengage or use neglect or abandonment to punish or frighten you.

 

25. They don’t seem to notice or care about your feelings.

 

26. They view you as an extension of themselves rather than as an individual.

 

27. They withhold sex as a way to manipulate and control.

 

28. They share personal information about you with others.

 

29. They invalidate or deny their emotionally abusive behavior when confronted.

 

30. They make subtle threats or negative remarks with the intent to frighten or control you.

 

The first step for those being emotionally abused is recognizing it’s happening. If you recognize any of the signs of emotional abuse in your relationship, you need to be honest with yourself so you can regain power over your own life, stop the abuse, and begin to heal. For those who’ve been minimising, denying, and hiding the abuse, this can be a painful and frightening first step.

 

 

Source and more here.

 

 

Take care.

[oldshirt]

Hi Davey, thanks for your comment. It's not been a full on abusive relationship. There's just been about 2 occasions where things have got too far and turned physical - i've never ended up with a black eye or anything.

 

That IS full on abusive.

 

Your marriage has reached critical mass.

[Bufo]

Just say no to an at work affair. You have plenty to think about now and don't need to be concerned about meeting up with an OM, keeping him happy,

Or fretting about what some words he spoke really mean.

 

At work romance is tough even when neither party is married. And many employers frown on workplace romances.

 

Focus on what you are going to do about your marriage to Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. A poster suggested a come to Jesus meeting with him and let him know the marriage will end unless he changes course.

[ChickiePops]

Thanks for accepting me onto this forum - I am here because I am just so confused and could use some other perspectives. Sorry in advance for the essay.

 

I have been married for sometime now and have been with my husband for over 10 years.

 

When we first met, he wasn't my type at all. I was having a hard time at home with my parents and I enjoyed spending time with him and escaping the drama at home.

 

We ended up falling for each other and things moved quickly. We moved in together, got engaged. Life seemed good and I was happy - he was romantic, he liked spending time with me and he treated me well. However it didn't last.

 

He then started to change. He became arrogant and controlling. Everything has to be done his way, whatever I did was wrong. He started spending less time with me and would always be glued to the computer or his phone.

 

He became distant, wouldn't hold my hand, only pecks on the lips, always so keen to get away. Our sex life also took a massive dive to practically non-existent. I would try to initiate things and he would blow me off every time saying he didn't feel like it.

 

One day, things got the better of me and I decided to look on the browser history - I discovered he had been watching porn the minute I stepped out of the house. I felt gutted. I know guys look at this stuff and never had a problem with it before. However, I had been trying to initiate things with him for weeks and he blew me off everytime saying he wasn't in the mood. I just felt really hurt and it knocked my self esteem.

 

I spoke to him about this, tried to find out the cause. He wouldn't talk to me about it and called me a liar. This happened also on the 3 occasions after when I again found he had been looking at porn. I tried spicing things up but still, he wasn't interested.

 

I also found messages where he had been talking to women (who we both know to be home wreckers), I also found emails in a hidden account he didn't realise I knew about and saw he had been viewing some girls profile over 20 times. Whilst there was nothing sexual in them - he still felt the need to lie which made me worry and feel increasingly paranoid.

 

I know I should never have looked but this guy is so hard to talk to, infact near impossible. I just felt like something wasn't right - he just said I was the problem as I didn't trust him. He never understood that his actions were hurting me.

 

One day, for some mad reason, I grabbed his phone to get his attention (I was trying to talk to him) and he went mental. We ended up having a massive row that turned physical on his part. That day I really saw a nasty, bitter side to him. This has been proceed by some incredibly hurting things being said to me.

 

Despite all this, we have stuck together. I loved him and thought "one day things will get better, its a rough patch and all relationship have them".

 

Although we haven't had anymore fights that turned physical, there is always tension in our home. We bicker all the time, he moans at me 24/7 about everything whether it be me doing something the wrong way, or there isn't a spoon in the cupboard so he has to get it himself, what we watch on tv... basically everything.

 

I feel like i've hit a point where I can't stand to be around him. At the same time I do still love him and want to keep our family together for the kids. I've been trying and trying for so long and nothing has got better.

 

Anyway, recently I made a new friend through work and we get on so well. So much in common and we have the best time together. I have found myself thinking about him all the time, excited about the next time I can see him. I am attracted to him and I feel there is a spark there. When I am with him, I am happy... then I go home and morph into this miserable wife I have become.

 

This has made me think that it's time to just give up on my marriage. However, I can't stop thinking "what if" the grass isn't greener, what if no one wants me, how hard it will be financially - I find myself being pulled back in again.

 

I don't know in my heart what to do. I don't know if I am still married because I don't want to hurt my husband, pull my family apart or because I actually want to be with him.

 

All I know, is I can't stop thinking about his other person. Part of me wants to find out more and test the water - at the same time I don't want to be a cheater.

 

I would love to know other peoples thought and opinions.

 

Abuse is abuse whether it's 1 time or 100 times. Leave. Now. Take your kids.

[Jersey born raised]

I think chickiepops hit the nail on the head. I also think you should shut down the start of an EA with the guy at work.

 

Go to the abuse forum and read the stickie at the top of the forum page. You might also ask a mod to move this thread.

[Jersey born raised]

Bye the way of course you should ave looked. He is not your friend, he is not a boyfriend, he is your husband. Privacy in a marriage, closing the bathroom door to use the toilet - without your cell phone.

[ShatteredLady]

To be honest I agree with the advise you've already been given. DO NOT have an affair! It will cause you & everyone else agony. You DO NOT want your husband hurt like that AND you don't want him demeaning you to your children (& everyone else) for being the bad guy. If you have an affair you will always be the bad guy.

 

 

Having said all of that only you can sense check yourself. Did you HONESTLY feel this way about your husband BEFORE you started to develop feelings for this coworker?

 

The only reason why I ask is I had a friend who went through a divorce that was 'inspired' by an affair with a coworker. The abuse that she listed to her lawyer was actually a situation where her husband was drunk, ASLEEP & rolled over smacking her in the face. After she divorced, remarried & lived for a couple of years she deeply regretted loosing the love of her life. Ugh!

 

Please understand I'm NOT saying that this is your situation. Everyone else has given such great advise. I'm playing devils advocate really. I know that you're not in an affair but you're very interested. The 'affair fog' that people talk about can be very real. People do rewrite marital history in their heads....focusing on & exagerating all the bad things & ignoring all of the good.

 

You don't sound like this is what's happening in your marriage. As I said, Devils advocate, just sense check your feelings.

 

From what you've written you sound like a lady who has been abused for a long time. It's crept up on you (I know exactly what that's like) you've accepted worse & worse behavior. Abuse is often something that happens in baby-steps. Your self-esteem seems so broken. I know it will be incredibly hard. I know what it's like to be terrified of being a single mother, breaking your kids family, struggling financially to make ends meet etc.

 

I have another friend, very similar situation to yours except she was a stay at home Mum who had no idea how she could support herself & her 2 little girls. A few years ago she took the leap & got divorced. It was incredibly hard to begin with. She's now a successful teacher with a lovely, kind, compassionate boyfriend. She has confidence! Her only regret is waiting so long to build the courage to leave!

 

I truly hope you do the right thing. Only you know if it's worth one last try with your husband. If you fear for your safety after filing for divorce ask for advise. There are safer ways of dealing.

 

Best wishes.

[Lois_Griffin]

Hi Davey, thanks for your comment. It's not been a full on abusive relationship. There's just been about 2 occasions where things have got too far and turned physical - i've never ended up with a black eye or anything.

Said EVERY abused woman before it got much, much WORSE.

 

Don't be a fool. You're like the frog in the slowly boiling pot of water - it's only warm and you're unaware of the fact that the water is slowly getting hotter and hotter until it's too late and it's boiling.

 

Regardless of how your 'friend' makes you feel, you need to get the hell out of this farce of a marriage. Your 'friend' is just an escape from everything that's wrong at home.

 

I'm sure you'll probably ignore everyone's warnings and stay with your abusive husband. Most do.

 

But you'll no longer be a victim. You'll be a volunteer.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Mrs. Confused, having read your initial post all I can think of is that the very genesis of your marriage was for the wrong reasons. You escaped from your parents home into what has turned into an abusive marriage. Others are right in advising you to divorce and move on. Warm wishes.

[healingsoul]

This is really hard. As you know, the physical abuse of any kind is wrong; however, it does not seem to be your husband's pattern and anyone can be brought to the point of anger and do something wrong. What you need to be looking for is patterns in behavior.

 

 

You need to separate your marriage from the new relationship. You should not begin a new relationship while you are married and should not even be thinking about it. You stated that you have children. How old are they? I am sure they need you now and would need you even more if you did divorce. Therefore your focus needs to be your family.

 

 

Porn can be very addictive and turn a person against their mate. It can also cause them to withdraw and look for heightened sexual adventure outside of a marriage because frankly it is a fantasy and not real life like what you experience with your spouse. It can often be a marriage killer and very destructive to the person's self-worth. Usually a person sneaks around and that causes a spirit of deception to build between a couple.

 

Apart from this your husband is using other things in his life as a means is distancing himself. So again I am wondering what ages are your children. Many times when people don't invest in parenting they pull away from the marriage and the spouse. The phone and computer are escape mechanisms, but also know that they seem to be a second appendage to many people today. They can really be relationship killers.

 

 

So what is my advice. You need to discuss your marriage with your husband and your both need to include the welfare of your children in any decision you make. Divorce seems like a solution but in most cases it leads to more relational dysfunction especially when you already have children and seen you both seem to be looking around outside of the marriage. If you can't talk at home without help, I would go to a counselor. You should give your family your best effort--both of you should, before you decide that it simply isn't working out.