Do I stay with my fwb?

[kamu7]

Last summer I met this guy at a camp where I was working. Typical summer fling, he’s attractive, intelligent, etc—he asked me out and we started sleeping together. He made it clear though that he can’t handle a relationship—he’d been really hurt in his past ones, and doesn't feel he can commit—so we had an open relationship. He wasn't seeing anyone else though, nor was I. TBH this was fine by me as I was planning to work abroad for six months starting in the fall, so a relationship wouldn't have really worked for me anyway.

 

We kept in contact in the fall when I was abroad and when I came back, we started sleeping together again. I’d go visit him when he was nearby and vice versa. I know it’s fwb but I think we both felt quite a strong connection and definitely expressed how much we cared for each other. He said we could be open about other people we were seeing but I decided I didn't want to know. This was pretty regular (every weekend or other weekend) and lasted from mid-end January until very recently, when he told me he wasn't sure this was a good idea anymore, because it was starting to feel like commitment (as it had gone on for a long time now and was effectively exclusive). I guess I felt a bit hurt but he had been very clear all along about it; I do care about him a lot but I’ve been careful to always remind myself that he’s a bit broken and not actually ready for commitment. I’ve got with a couple of other people this year too.

 

Then the other day I get a message from this girl who turns out to be one of his exes. Basically it says that she and this guy have been sleeping together this year (not in a relationship) and that he never told her about me/lied about me when she heard through the grapevine that he was seeing someone else. Basically she said thought I should know about her (and apparently another couple girls he’s been sleeping with), in case I wanted something more from this guy. I was a bit taken aback, but I really don’t get what the point of the message was—we weren't exclusive, they weren't exclusive either, what does she expect. But then she said a couple of things that kind of stung—about how close she and the guy have been this year, how the guy told her his other hookups (eg me; when she found out about them) were only for sex, nothing meaningful. She also said he told her he ended his relationship with me to be with her (though obviously that’s not going to happen now because she’s so mad at him). I assume she was just trying to hurt me because she’s mad at him (which is frankly out of line), but I guess I find it hard to believe someone would make all that up (mostly because I would never do that).

 

I messaged him and he basically didn't deny the facts (though he said his ex was exaggerating— he and his ex have been in contact but have only hooked up a few times, and only once overlapped with when we were seeing each other), though he denied all the stuff she said about his feelings/etc. He said he feels bad and wants to see me. I know we’re fwb, he was totally ‘allowed’ to see other girls, but the fact that he was with his ex just makes me feel idk..a bit meh about the whole thing. I feel like I sort of fooled myself into thinking I was more important to his life than I was (although he very much is trying to reassure me that I am and that his ex is full of it).

 

What should I do? Do I stop fwb? Is what he did actually bad in the context of fwb? It’s not really my problem that his ex is pissed, I don’t want to kick him to the curb because of that, but still..something now just feels a bit awkward now that I know this stuff.

[StormyEyes]

I would walk away. That he let her find your number and she thought it was okay to message you is creepy. Also, you will never know who is telling the truth about their relationship, my guess is it is somewhere in the middle. I think you have feelings for him that he does not return. The longer you stay, the more it is going to hurt when it eventually ends. You are young, there are plenty of other guys out there.

[kamu7]

he presumably told her my name, and she messaged me on Facebook (she could find me under his friend list). he says she just did it to get back at him but it obviously came off as weird (which she admitted but still).

 

yeah i guess i just feel conflicted, the fact that this has gone on for so long and he's expressed his feelings towards me means..what? he doesn't want a relationship with anyone, but surely if you've been together for a while (even with other people sporadically on the side) that starts to mean something? like why would he just randomly start dating someone else when things between us are actually pretty smooth, great sex, etc?