Question for women: Do you always have a clean break between relationships?

[redbaron007]

I have recently found myself having very enjoyable conversations with a few women in the gym I go to. They are beautiful, fit, friendly and very happy to speak with me for an extended time period even when I approach them for the first time(20 minutes or more). It is obvious to me they love the compliments I pay them and enjoy my light-hearted flirting. Then I ask them out and they happen to have boyfriends. When this happens, I gracefully disengage, say that I enjoyed the conversation (which they reciprocate) then walk away. If I see them again, I often smile, wave and in certain cases make a borderline flirty comment like "how's life, work, boyfriend, etc.?" They always smile, wave, chat with me, and I get the strange feeling at least a few of them would like to continue more chatting/flirting, because it is always me who ends the conversation saying "Good seeing you again..." and walks away.

 

So my question to women is (phrasing this is trickier than I thought): have some of you in the past, in the waning days of your relationship, flirted with other guys, given your number, etc. with a view to hooking up in the near future?

[Arieswoman]

rb007,

 

So my question to women is (phrasing this is trickier than I thought): have some of you in the past, in the waning days of your relationship, flirted with other guys, given your number, etc. with a view to hooking up in the near future?

 

No.

 

I was always all in or all out.

I never did monkey-branching, and I imagine it would be too stressful.

[oldshirt]

I think monkey swinging is the norm and to be expected.

 

I think it is actually very rare for people to make a clean break prior garnering other opportunities first.

 

I think almost every has at least a person or two warming up on deck before making the cut.

 

In the case of attractive young women in their prime, if you aren't one of the guys being warmed up on deck while she is still involved with her current suitor, you are not going to be the one standing when she makes the final cut with the current guy. (this is assuming you are not a rock star, celebrity, pro athlete, male model, very rich etc etc)

 

If you wait for attractive young women to be completely clear and single before you make your move, you will spend your life waiting.

[mrldii]

Honestly? In retrospect, when I was younger, I probably did do monkey-branching; as I aged, if it happened, it was by accident.

 

Once I hit my mid-30s, I became more mindful of when there was trouble in my relationship and worked to fix it first, and then if it didn't work out, I'd make a clean break before even beginning to look around.

 

Now that I'm even older, I find it absolutely necessary to force (if need be), quite a bit of down-time and alone time between relationships; I'll deliberately avoid flirting and engaging in personal interactions until I've completely processed the last break-up.

 

I think that's *normal*, healthy emotional growth and maturing in women - perhaps *normal* and healthy for all humans, even.

[Emilia]

I've had men around me prooobably until my late 30s. It wasn't so much classic monkey branching, my relationships weren't overlapping, but I knew I could get male attention right away.

 

It's only as I got older and realised that recycling people and carrying on with old patterns wasn't good that I stopped it.

 

And for me, it took a conscious effort to stop it because it's very easy for me to meet men when I go out.

[Laprus9]

I've had men around me prooobably until my late 30s. It wasn't so much classic monkey branching, my relationships weren't overlapping, but I knew I could get male attention right away.

 

It's only as I got older and realised that recycling people and carrying on with old patterns wasn't good that I stopped it.

 

And for me, it took a conscious effort to stop it because it's very easy for me to meet men when I go out.

 

Most men are desperate chumps and go after any and all women. I don't think you should be tooting your horn over that.

[William]

As a reminder, this topic is asking women about taking a clean break between relationships. We encourage women to respond to the topical material and, as applicable, any member can add their personal experiences with women taking a clean break between relationships. This is not a thread to, yet again, incite or promote another gender war. Thanks in advance for your cooperation with this moderation directive.

[Emilia]

So just to respond again to the OP: reasonably attractive+ women get so much attention from men that it's hard not to monkey branch. When you are younger, you have no clue as to whether it's a good or bad thing.

 

It's only when I came to LS that I learned the phrase 'orbiter' for example, I always had that, I thought it was just how things were. You are born into a certain social environment, as a girl you learn to deal with male attention. Hopefully robustly enough not to cheat on a boyfriend.

 

Then of course as a woman, hopefully develop a more independent mindset. This is why women aren't as easy prey as girls are to men, we learn to evaluate situations individually rather than just accept them as given.

 

Hell, until a few years ago I had thought that everyone was always looked at and had attention. I thought it was in people's nature to stare. I didn't realise for ages that men weren't noticed as much and the reason why they stared so much precisely to get noticed.

[Arieswoman]

oldshirt post #3

 

I think monkey swinging is the norm and to be expected.

 

I think it is actually very rare for people to make a clean break prior garnering other opportunities first.

 

I think almost every has at least a person or two warming up on deck before making the cut.

 

I disagree.

 

I never did this. As I said it was too stressful and I just didn't have the time

[preraph]

I used to be inclined to mourn way too long and not do anything much but at some point, I started making myself continue to go out with friends and do things even when I didn't feel like it because of a breakup or disappointment or whatever.

 

So it worked best for me to have some younger guy friends who were always anxious to go to a gig with me or whatever but knew I wasn't going to sleep with them because of an age gap or just being friends or whatever. I would be honest with them about a recent heartbreak and invite them to a gig and have someone on my arm, which would make it easier for me to be cheerier at the event.

 

Perversely, after one particularly bad breakup involving betrayal, I was not ready to try to start anything, but a handful of guys I knew circled the wagons around me and played various roles. None of them would be "the guy" or we probably already would have been, but between them all, I felt cared for and some of my needs were met.

 

Then some months after that, a different guy I was good friends with insisted on a relationship after his breakup, and I was nowhere near ready and actually told him I'd rather he dated other women first at least. But he was insistent, so I decided to try with him since we were close in some ways. You know, people used to say it was important to be friends. So I thought I should try. But that didn't work and it's one of my only regrets because I lost a valuable friend since it didn't work out. My head was not with him. And if he would have been honest, his wasn't totally with me either that fresh upon his breakup.

 

So everyone is different, but I found having guys around a good thing overall to keep me from being too depressed all the time, but I was not ready still.

 

I would just add that I couldn't not see any of my old bfs. We all ran with a big extended crowd and went to the same places, so there was no clean break in that regard. Would have been easier if there had been, but I didn't want to be the one to not go all the time.

[Emilia]

So it worked best for me to have some younger guy friends who were always anxious to go to a gig with me or whatever but knew I wasn't going to sleep with them because of an age gap or just being friends or whatever. I would be honest with them about a recent heartbreak and invite them to a gig and have someone on my arm, which would make it easier for me to be cheerier at the event.

 

Perversely, after one particularly bad breakup involving betrayal, I was not ready to try to start anything, but a handful of guys I knew circled the wagons around me and played various roles. None of them would be "the guy" or we probably already would have been, but between them all, I felt cared for and some of my needs were met.

 

Then some months after that, a different guy I was good friends with insisted on a relationship after his breakup, and I was nowhere near ready and actually told him I'd rather he dated other women first at least. But he was insistent, so I decided to try with him since we were close in some ways. You know, people used to say it was important to be friends. So I thought I should try. But that didn't work and it's one of my only regrets because I lost a valuable friend since it didn't work out. My head was not with him. And if he would have been honest, his wasn't totally with me either that fresh upon his breakup.

 

So everyone is different, but I found having guys around a good thing overall to keep me from being too depressed all the time, but I was not ready still.

Opposite sex friendships are very important. Partly bonding outside a romantic set up but also nourishing the aspect of yourself that relates to men or women in a positive way after a disappointment. You can also discuss things, you can't talk about with your same sex friends. My younger male friends come to me for a chat about girls sometimes.

 

I am absolutely 100% convinced that those that really struggle with the opposite sex - see them as hostile, unable to form long term bonds, unable to converse, unable to get laid even - were not socialised appropriately. In the UK, a lot of people go to single sex secondary schools and you see the result in adulthood the way they struggle to relate.

 

Roles aren't set in stone either, I was just now having a laugh with a mate of mine on facebook, I guess you could call him an orbiter if I was hanging out with him but as it happens haven't seen him for at least 2 years. He has plenty irons in the fire. Would he like to get laid? yes sure. Do we just chat out of boredom and have a laugh? Yes. Is that a good thing? Anything that cheers you up is a good thing.

 

Life isn't so black and white, we all need some release, bonding and enjoyment.

[preraph]

Opposite sex friendships are very important. Partly bonding outside a romantic set up but also nourishing the aspect of yourself that relates to men or women in a positive way after a disappointment. You can also discuss things, you can't talk about with your same sex friends. My younger male friends come to me for a chat about girls sometimes.

 

I am absolutely 100% convinced that those that really struggle with the opposite sex - see them as hostile, unable to form long term bonds, unable to converse, unable to get laid even - were not socialised appropriately. In the UK, a lot of people go to single sex secondary schools and you see the result in adulthood the way they struggle to relate.

 

Roles aren't set in stone either, I was just now having a laugh with a mate of mine on facebook, I guess you could call him an orbiter if I was hanging out with him but as it happens haven't seen him for at least 2 years. He has plenty irons in the fire. Would he like to get laid? yes sure. Do we just chat out of boredom and have a laugh? Yes. Is that a good thing? Anything that cheers you up is a good thing.

 

Life isn't so black and white, we all need some release, bonding and enjoyment.

 

I totally agree. I can't begin to classify some of the men I've counted as friends over the years. Some were lovers first or a one-night stand. Some were lovers who turned into decades-long friends. Many were never lovers and I don't know if they wanted to be or not. Some were friends for a few years and then briefly lovers, and then back to friends. I have been amazed at the reaction when I will maybe run into one of the younger guys at a funeral or something 25 years later. It's like they worship the ground I walk on and are so happy to see me and remember every moment we shared as friends. I had some impact on their lives and they kept me from drowning.