Ex's new gf weirdness and ex using my mother as day care

[PegNosePete]

He should go through me to line up my parents. He is taking advantage of them. Am I way off on this one? I know I cant' tell my parents what to do, but they're troubled. My mother has a migraine over ex's latest request. They can't set boundaries very well, themselves.

Yes he is taking advantage and yes he should go through you. But you already know he is not a logical and reasonable man so don't expect him to do what he "should" do.

 

I think you need to take the hard line with your parents as well. Carry on trying to get them on side, but you need to let go of the responsibility. It's not YOUR fault that they're troubled and your mother has a migraine, it's totally self-inflicted by their own behaviour and choices. You can't blame yourself for that. They are the only ones who can change in order to avoid the trouble and migraines, and that is what I would tell them if it were me. When they say "I am troubled and I have a migraine" you say "well don't talk to EX next time, tell him to go through ME".

 

It seems lack of boundaries is a congenital trait in your family but it's good to see you're finally breaking the family tradition! Well done!

[jakrbbt]

He called my mother today and asked her to watch son for 13 hours two days next week (that's 13 hours each day, 2 days).

 

My mother was relieved that she'll be out of town and can't do it.

 

But now I'm worried about where he'll put son.

 

He once told me he needs at least one day per week with no work and no son. And he's been trying to free up other days too, for his new relationship, camping, working on his car. So he lines up these long work shifts for when he has son.

 

I already take son regularly on 1.5 of ex's days every week. I have no days with no work and no son. Most parents don't!

 

It's stressful when he asks my parents. It's stressful that he's trying to be a 50% parent while working long hours on his parenting days, reserving non-parenting days for "me time" (as he put it) and girlfriend time. If he won't parent, or even line up regular reliable day care with sane hours, then I want to have the ability to do it instead.

 

I want to send him the following email:

 

"Dear ex:

 

"I'm asking that you please go through me instead of asking my parents directly for child care.

 

"They can't watch [son] long hours, or in the evening/at night.

 

"If you need more work days, or you need to work late on your parenting days and don't have day care, I am happy to talk about changing the parenting plan so that I have more parenting days. But I would need the change to be regular and predictable, so, an official stipulated change.

 

"Jakrbbt."

 

My other plan was to send him an email telling him I want to modify the parenting plan to reflect the time I already regularly take son for him. And that he can agree to it or I'll seek it in court.

 

My real motivation is twofold:

 

1.) Predictability/stability for son, me, and my parents.

2.) I want son home (my or ex's) in the evenings. I want to avoid the scenario where he's randomly carted around to others' houses for 13 or 14-hour days, coming home past bedtime.

 

I have flexible, business-day hours and a great day care I can afford. I understand that parents work, and day care is normal. But lining up long work days on your parenting days and keeping non-parenting days free, is not responsible. Those hours are too long for son. If ex won't take care of son, then I want to.

 

 

Does my note sound pragmatic?

Edited June 25, 2016 by jakrbbt

[jakrbbt]

Here's another note I drafted:

 

"Dear --,

 

1.) I'm going to just send you emails when I think I have availability to take on some of your parenting time. I typically won't have availability outside my own parenting time though.

 

2.) I'm asking that you go through me to ask my parents for child care. They can't do long hours, and they can't typically do evenings/nights.

 

3.) If you need my help on your parenting days, I can only do it if we make it regular, so, a change to the parenting plan. That should be easy to do, people do it all the time, so let's do it if it's the thing that makes sense.

 

In other words I'm happy to look into changing the plan where I take more parenting days. But I won't watch [son] on your days, outside of the times I say in my emails.

 

(This doesn't include Saturdays though. I'm more than happy to keep taking your Saturdays, that's regular and it's what we've been doing and I don't work Saturdays.)

 

Jakrbbt"

 

 

Is this better and more direct than just continuing to say "no" every time? I want to make it clear that a "yes" would only come with a change to the parenting plan. Which I'm happy to look into.

[S2B]

I think you need to be more clear and direct with him.

 

Too bad your Mom can't be honest with him - and have a back bone. She should be able to enjoy time with her grand child - not babysit the baby.

 

Remember that exH has different priorities than you do. I'd suggest it he can't have your son then it's nice you're offering during his time. I caution you - he will likely take advantage.

 

Is there a way daycare can take the child on last minute notice? If so, can exH get a separate bill each month for the times he leaves the child during his visitation time?

 

Do you think he may be using drugs again? That's a consideration to keep in mind...for all decisions.

 

And yes, if he's not taking the child then he should have his support money reduced - can it be calculated in a per day basis - depending on how many days each month you take the child on his days?

 

I say use caution - he will take advantage - especially since he's dating.

 

Your Mom should not be asked by him! Just tell him to stop it! Especially since your Mom hardly tells him no! Sheez, your Mom is wimpy. She also needs to support you not your exH.

[jakrbbt]

I think you need to be more clear and direct with him.

 

Too bad your Mom can't be honest with him - and have a back bone. She should be able to enjoy time with her grand child - not babysit the baby.

 

Remember that exH has different priorities than you do. I'd suggest it he can't have your son then it's nice you're offering during his time. I caution you - he will likely take advantage.

 

 

You're right. I do want child more, but I can no longer keep taking him "for" ex. (Too hectic and he's taking advantage.) I want to give him the binary choice of keeping son on his days or changing the parenting plan where I have son more days.

 

I also want to offer specific time up front (e.g., "I could take son this Friday evening/overnight, but you'd have to let me know by Thursday.") Or is that what you were thinking he'd take advantage of? Maybe that's not good for son, who might become disappointed if dad keeps shirking his time every time I offer.

 

Is there a way daycare can take the child on last minute notice? If so, can exH get a separate bill each month for the times he leaves the child during his visitation time?

 

I don't think day care can do that. But, I could tell ex to look into it and then he could foot the bill on days he places child.

 

Do you think he may be using drugs again? That's a consideration to keep in mind...for all decisions.

 

I don't think he is. I think he's been depressed, and he's treating his depression with this new relationship. He still also smokes cigars and uses excessive sleep, particularly in mornings. Fortunately new girlfriend is a preschool teacher and seems nice, smart, and sane. I'm hoping that becomes a positive factor-- if he can keep her around.

 

And yes, if he's not taking the child then he should have his support money reduced - can it be calculated in a per day basis - depending on how many days each month you take the child on his days?

 

There's no way to legally do that. The only option (re support money) is to go back to court and change parenting plan to reflect the percentage I've already been taking son.

 

If I seek to do that, and ex fights me on it, it would cost several thousand in attorney fees. Child support is only $135/month.

 

Ex may also fight to keep his days, and then refuse in future to ever use me as an option for watching son-- which I want to avoid given that he has shown he has no reliable day care option AND he's taking 12-hr work shifts with late notice on his parenting days.

 

Or is that something I could call his bluff on?

 

I say use caution - he will take advantage - especially since he's dating.

 

Your Mom should not be asked by him! Just tell him to stop it! Especially since your Mom hardly tells him no! Sheez, your Mom is wimpy. She also needs to support you not your exH.

 

So far my mother is at least willing to check with me first.

 

Rather than tell my ex explicitly to step up or step down, would repeated "no"'s get the same message across?

 

I don't want to do the repeated "no's" for long, I'd rather just tell him my position. It is very stressful and disruptive every time he makes unreasonable requests. It's as if I had PTSD. So I'd only do the repeated-no's (what I call change through attrition) if it's the best option.

 

I also do not think that he would consider, on his own, the option of just stipulating to a change in the parenting plan. He is unbelievably ignorant or willfully ignorant about all that.

 

I want to force binary choice: "Take care of you son as you agreed, or change the agreement to one you can meet."

 

But my weakness is I think "taking care of son" means NOT scheduling 12-hr work days on parenting days, especially back-to-back. Unless you have in-home care so child can actually be home, and get to bed. I don't know that I could force that. Not only is late schedule and neglect bad for child, but it hugely disrupts my own ability to parent him in my household, with his sleep schedule screwed up.

 

Maybe ex would not be able to find "friends" or free 13-hour babysitting anyway, so maybe I could call his bluff on that??

Edited June 26, 2016 by jakrbbt

[PegNosePete]

Is this better and more direct than just continuing to say "no" every time? I want to make it clear that a "yes" would only come with a change to the parenting plan. Which I'm happy to look into.

You are trying to be logical and rational with someone who is neither.

 

I don't see either of these letters having any effect whatsoever. He will carry on doing the same as he is currently doing.

 

He will carry on asking your parents directly, because it works.

[Mr. Lucky]

I want to force binary choice: "Take care of you son as you agreed, or change the agreement to one you can meet."

 

But my weakness is I think "taking care of son" means NOT scheduling 12-hr work days on parenting days, especially back-to-back. Unless you have in-home care so child can actually be home, and get to bed. I don't know that I could force that. Not only is late schedule and neglect bad for child, but it hugely disrupts my own ability to parent him in my household, with his sleep schedule screwed up.

 

Maybe ex would not be able to find "friends" or free 13-hour babysitting anyway, so maybe I could call his bluff on that??

 

jakrbbt, were you this able to successfully manage this man's behavior, you'd probably still be married to him .

 

Divorce is a flawed solution to a dysfunctional situation. The very act of disconnecting from a spouse means letting go of their lives, difficult when a child is involved. And even more so when the lifestyles and parenting modes of the exes are so dissimilar.

 

Absent abuse, you'll have to at some point accept his unfocused approach to child rearing. You'll counter the negative effects with open communication with your son, forming a close bond and maximizing the value of your time together. It ain't perfect but it's what you - and many of the rest of us - have.

 

Quit worrying about what son is doing with ex and start enjoying what your child is doing with you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[jakrbbt]

jakrbbt, were you this able to successfully manage this man's behavior, you'd probably still be married to him .

 

Divorce is a flawed solution to a dysfunctional situation. The very act of disconnecting from a spouse means letting go of their lives, difficult when a child is involved. And even more so when the lifestyles and parenting modes of the exes are so dissimilar.

 

Absent abuse, you'll have to at some point accept his unfocused approach to child rearing. You'll counter the negative effects with open communication with your son, forming a close bond and maximizing the value of your time together. It ain't perfect but it's what you - and many of the rest of us - have.

 

Quit worrying about what son is doing with ex and start enjoying what your child is doing with you...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

This is good big-picture perspective, thank you.

 

I saw my family therapist this morning. She reassured me about H's long work days not amounting to neglect. We talked about teaching resilience and coping. Just like you point out.