Is this harmless flirting?

[Tasha49]

So everyone, I am feeling guilty about some "flirting" I've been doing with a guy who I play Xbox with. Although, literally I am not a flirter ever. Especially not one who means for it to lead anywhere. I genuinely mean this, I think flirting with intentions of it ever going anywhere is very wrong. I'm adding I have been in an amazing relationship for over 4 years now and we're getting married in 3 months. I am sooo excited because he is my dream man in every way possible. But, back to this flirting thing... this guy from Xbox who I play video games with has been super flirtatious toward me on Facebook messenger. Since I am not a flirter ever, and have never cheated on anyone nor would I ever... I have just been taking the compliments and sending smiley faces and thank yous. I've told him I'm getting married and am happy. But he flirts with me still and I'll have to say an occasional "tone it down a bit" and he'll stop for a bit but then it'll build back up. And what I've been doing is feeling awkward about his flirting so I'll just say something nice to him back to make him feel good that I can now see appears as flirting. Literally things i don't even actually mean I find I'm saying. I mean sure he's cute but I literally don't feel anything toward him. I just like him as a friend to play video games with and chat with. I'm actually pretty disappointed it's gotten this far from him because I don't like when men flirt with me and try and get with me while I'm happily taken. It's just gotten to be an awkward feeling for me so I'm too nice most of the time to flat out tell people no or to stop something, so I avoid it altogether a lot of times. It's nice to hear that he thinks I'm pretty and all that, I won't lie, but it literally doesn't do anything for me emotionally and it's actually annoying because it's so frequent. But I'm finding that I'll say something back like "Aww thanks, you're too sweet" and one time he said he was sorry because he knows I'm taken but then I said "Dont worry if I was single I'd be on a plane over there right now" and I'm not sure why in the hell I would say that when I'd never actually do that and I didn't mean it lol. I guess I'm just saying things I think he'd like to hear to make him feel better about himself, even though I don't mean them. Literally this flirting or whatever you call it is harmless to me because I don't like him or mean any of it. I've never once contacted him first, he always messages me first, I just reply. He's asked for my phone number to text but I said no because it's not respectful to my fiance. And I've never said anything sexual, nothing ever like I think he's hot and I like him at all. I've said he looks cute when he asked one time with heart smiley faces which was stupid but I was just trying to make him feel better instead of me saying no you're not cute haha. I can't stand people being unfaithful, and I have never been unfaithful myself, nor have a slight inclination to. I've never even flirted with other guys especially since I've been so happy the past 4 years. I've been cheated on many times before I found this guy, it is literally the worst feeling ever. I wouldn't dare do it to anyone. If this guy I've been talking to showed up at my doorstep I wouldn't even be flirting I'd be standing there awkward like what the **** are you doing here... it would be creepy haha. I have recently deleted this guy from Facebook because I feel like it's just not good for my relationship even though I don't mean anything I've said this far. And I deleted him from my Xbox. I am sorry if this is all scattered everywhere. I'm tired and I feel silly. But I guess what my question is, is this considered being unfaithful? Even if I without a doubt had no evil intentions? Nor any remote feelings for this guy other than friendly? Was it harmless flirting, if there's such a thing? I feel like I need to tell my fiance this, because I feel like it's just stupid of me to be overly nice like that to someone, I should have flat out said please stop or I'll delete you next time. But I didn't.

Edited June 2, 2016 by Tasha49

[Lois_Griffin]

....but then I said "Dont worry if I was single I'd be on a plane over there right now" and I'm not sure why in the hell I would say that when I'd never actually do that and I didn't mean it lol.

Yes you do know why you said it.

 

Because as much as you want to complain about how uncomfortable you are with his constant attention, you're giving him JUST enough to insure that it continues.

 

No one is making you play with this fool at gunpoint. You're CHOOSING to do it. Over and over and over and over.

 

Because there's a payoff in it for you.

[PegNosePete]

I feel like I need to tell my fiance this

Yes, you should.

 

Because it doesn't matter if you or I or a hundred other random strangers on the internet think your behaviour is inappropriate, "cheating", "harmless" or not.

 

The one person whose opinion matters, is your boyfriend's. You should give him the facts and let him decide if his future wife acting like this is acceptable or not.

[mikeylo]

There is no such thing as ' harmless flirting ' when participating with someone other than your partner.

 

IF it hurts them , you've got to decide between them or other dudes/women. Getting approval from us not something you should seek. It's your partners !

[Tasha49]

I don't think you guys are really understanding me when I say I literally had no ill intentions. It was flattering to be called pretty but that's literally it. I didn't flirt back with him like he was flirting with me. I would just send a smiley back because I felt awkward. If I was going to cheat and be shady I would have done so a long time ago. But I don't do things like that. I have men hit on me all the time but I give them the cold shoulder. I don't think about this guy during my day, I don't even get online to talk to him and play Xbox besides twice a week and it's never alone with him it's always with other friends. I have not meant a single compliment I have given him, I'm just saying them to be nice. I don't like him in any way whatsoever like that, why do you think it was so easy for me to delete him and move on? Because it was getting weird to me and awkward so I put a stop to it. I should have at first sure, but I already told him to stop many times. I never once told him I liked it. In fact I told him several times he was taking it too far. I have no reason to lie to a bunch of strangers over the internet here. I'm being genuine when I say I take my relationship seriously. That's why I put an end to it. This has been over the course of the last week. I'm just trying to see how it looks to unbiased people. That's why I came here for answers. I'm not looking for harsh comments here. I'd be deserving of those if I was actually flirting back inappropriate things to this guy and especially meaning them.

Edited June 2, 2016 by Tasha49

[PegNosePete]

I'm just trying to see how it looks to unbiased people.

It looks totally inappropriate and if my future wife were doing this we would be having some very stern discussions about appropriate boundaries, and what format your "friendship" with this guy and others on the Xbox would be taking in the future.

[Tasha49]

It looks totally inappropriate and if my future wife were doing this we would be having some very stern discussions about appropriate boundaries, and what format your "friendship" with this guy and others on the Xbox would be taking in the future.

 

Uh yeah, except I've already stated it was awkward and I am not continuing in it anymore because it felt wrong to be doing. You're treating this as if I'm saying I enjoyed it and see no wrong in it at all and am gonna keep doing it. Well I'm not. That's why I nipped it in the bud quickly.

[PegNosePete]

Uh no. My response stands whether you enjoyed it or not, whether you'd stopped it or not, whether you saw the wrong with it or not, whether you "nipped it in the bud" (which incidentally you clearly didn't since it went on for so long) or not.

 

Why don't you just tell your fiance the full story, and see if he agrees with you that it all means nothing?

Edited June 2, 2016 by PegNosePete

[Tasha49]

Uh no. My response stands whether you enjoyed it or not, whether you'd stopped it or not, whether you saw the wrong with it or not, whether you "nipped it in the bud" (which incidentally you clearly didn't since it went on for so long) or not.

 

Why don't you just tell your fiance the full story, and see if he agrees with you that it all means nothing?

 

Obviously I will. But it went on with HIM doing the flirting. I never said anything inappropriate aside from previously mentioned although I only said it to be nice. Like when your girl asks if the shorts make her butt look big... do you say yes or just tell a white lie to make someone feel better? I tell white lies to make people feel better about themselves instead of hurt them. But obviously this guy is just a stranger at the end of the day and isn't worth risking a relationship over so it's not even a thing anymore nor will it ever be.

[PegNosePete]

Okay, if that helps you sleep at night, good luck to you.

[JoeSmith357-1]

paragraphs are your friend

[Tasha49]

paragraphs are your friend

 

Sorry I'm on my phone and it's not being cooperative lol

[elaine567]

Obviously I will. But it went on with HIM doing the flirting. I never said anything inappropriate aside from previously mentioned although I only said it to be nice. Like when your girl asks if the shorts make her butt look big... do you say yes or just tell a white lie to make someone feel better? I tell white lies to make people feel better about themselves instead of hurt them. But obviously this guy is just a stranger at the end of the day and isn't worth risking a relationship over so it's not even a thing anymore nor will it ever be.

 

Ok I would not tell your fiance any of this, he will be upset and his trust in you will be gone, don't do it to him.

 

BUT next time a "nice guy" starts seriously flirting with you, then stop him dead in his tracks, you perhaps didn't want to disappoint him but I guess now he is feeling pretty sore being led on by you for so long.

 

However you need to question yourself as to why you really did this. Are you as ready for marriage as you may think you are? Marriage is a huge commitment, it is not something you should enter into lightly just because he is your "dream man" and you have invested 4 years of your life in him.

No matter how much you may want to deny, part of you liked the attention from another man , and that is a bit worrying for a woman who is about to get married soon.

Are you really ready to forsake all others?

[Space Ritual]

To answer your questions.....

 

Yes you should probably tell your fiance even though you have ceased contact with this guy. He deserves to know this before he gets married to you. If the shoe was on the other foot I suppose you'd want to know if he was doing the same thing.

 

I am happy for you that you ceased contact with the guy. It is easy to become a bit enamored even if you don't return compliments because somebody is stroking you ego. Totally natural but you did one thing so many people don't. And you put a stop to it, so you should be applauded for that.

 

But yes, tell your fiance. That way you will be able to get married with a clean conscience.

[Tasha49]

Ok I would not tell your fiance any of this, he will be upset and his trust in you will be gone, don't do it to him.

 

BUT next time a "nice guy" starts seriously flirting with you, then stop him dead in his tracks, you perhaps didn't want to disappoint him but I guess now he is feeling pretty sore being led on by you for so long.

 

However you need to question yourself as to why you really did this. Are you as ready for marriage as you may think you are? Marriage is a huge commitment, it is not something you should enter into lightly just because he is your "dream man" and you have invested 4 years of your life in him.

No matter how much you may want to deny, part of you liked the attention from another man , and that is a bit worrying for a woman who is about to get married soon.

Are you really ready to forsake all others?

 

I appreciate your honesty I definitely am ready for marriage. I am 26 and this will be my first marriage. I guess it was more so flattering than anything. I've never done anything like that but I didn't at first see anything wrong with it until I went back to read my replies. I honestly didn't know how I sounded til I went back and as soon as I realized I took control over the situation. I now know everything wrong with it even with completely innocent intentions and I know enough to never let that happen again:)

[Tasha49]

Thanks to the people who gave good advice without being judgemental. That's what the world needs more of.

[Art.at.Heart]

Yes you do know why you said it.

 

Because as much as you want to complain about how uncomfortable you are with his constant attention, you're giving him JUST enough to insure that it continues.

 

No one is making you play with this fool at gunpoint. You're CHOOSING to do it. Over and over and over and over.

 

Because there's a payoff in it for you.

Yep my exact thoughts. You saw his statement about you being taken as him possibly backing off and you said what you needed to in order to get him back on the hook.

 

But I guess what my question is, is this considered being unfaithful? Even if I without a doubt had no evil intentions? Nor any remote feelings for this guy other than friendly? Was it harmless flirting, if there's such a thing?

Having evil intentions is not mutually exclusive with being unfaithful. In fact, I would bet that most people who cheat or flirt around aren't committing these acts with the intention of hurting their partner. They're just committing them with complete disregard for how their partner feels. As for whether or not it's harmless flirting, your boyfriend would probably be pretty hurt if he saw these conversations. That alone keeps it from being harmless.

 

Kudos to you for putting an end to it though... and I genuinely mean that.

Edited June 2, 2016 by Art.at.Heart
Forget a part

[Poutrew]

You should tell your fiancé. In fact let him read the chat logs of your conversations with this clown. You can then explain to him that you were just joking around especially when you told the XBOX man you would be on a airplane flight to him right now, if only you didn't have this boat anchor of a fiancé to deal with... let the only person to judge you be the only person who matters to you. I can tell you one thing, young lady. If you were my intended, and assuming I just didn't call things off with you at once, I would FORBID you from playing any online games at all. Yep, that's right. Call me controlling and dominating. Call me unfair. Call me whatever you will. But if you didn't cease and desist from these addicting computer games at once, the one thing you wouldn't be able to call me is your husband.

[JS84]

I don't think you guys are really understanding me when I say I literally had no ill intentions.

 

Just for future reference your intentions, bad or not, don't matter in the slightest. It's not that we don't understand, it just doesn't matter. Most of the lines people cross in relationships and in their marriage are done unintentionally and it doesn't make a bit of difference. "I didn't mean to cheat", "I didn't mean for things to go this far!", "I never would have done that if I hadn't drunk so much without my wife", and so on and so forth. Your actions are what matter, not the intentions behind them. That's why we have boundaries for ourselves and our partners. To keep us from crossing lines we shouldn't.

Edited June 3, 2016 by JS84

[Scarlett.O'hara]

You did the right thing cutting this guy off now because you were playing with fire.

 

He may have seemed like a friend that was safe behind a computer screen, but the truth is he wasn't. He would have kept pushing the boundaries more and more until you were in over your head.

 

Sometimes it is difficult not to reciprocate compliments and keep strong boundaries without offending people, but it is necessary when you are in a serious relationship. It was a valuable lesson to learn before you get married. Now you know how easily these things can happen, even when you have innocent intentions, they can still sneak up on you and cause problems.

 

When a guy comes on to you or gives you lots of attention you need to shut him down, even if it hurts his feelings and makes him feel rejected.

 

This guy knew you were seriously involved with someone so don't feel bad for him. Blocking him was absolutely the right thing to do.

[Tasha49]

Yep my exact thoughts. You saw his statement about you being taken as him possibly backing off and you said what you needed to in order to get him back on the hook.

 

That's actually not why I said that. You're assuming things and it's not very fair. I didn't say that so he would say more, I said it to be nice. That's why I said IF I was single. I didn't say I wished I was single, or that it was some burden that I'm not single. Literally what you see is what you see. There was no meaning behind that statement. I don't want to get on a plane to see some random guy I don't have any feelings for remotely. I've never once told him I liked him at all like that. I've told him several times I'm happy and I mean that. I was just trying to be nice and so I was saying things I didn't actually mean so he wasn't disappointed. I hate when people are disappointed in me. No alterior motives here. I say things to build people up sometimes, even if I have to lie. That perhaps makes me look bad, but that's who I am. And I realized wow, why am I even doing that. Even saying things to make this guy feel better about himself still makes me look bad and I have no reason to let this happen at all. So in the blink of the eye he was gone. No more. Never again. Lesson learned.

[Phoenician]

First ,chapeaux bas because you are feeling guilty about it , which means you stopped it or going to stop it soon .

 

Regarding absolute honesty , IMO it depends about the nature of your partner too ; it is ethical to tell him , but if he is of the type who will judge you for every single action you do ion the future then being honest with him is no more a bless.

 

2 years back and after 18 years of marriage , I attempted to cheat on my wife but refrained from doing it in the last moments, it was so close that the foreplay started , then I stopped and apologized...

 

I came back to my wife from the business trip and confessed...

 

of course she did not take it positive that I am honest ...

 

From my experience after 18 years of marriage , sometimes a backyard that do not violate the vows is acceptable to exist,

 

flirting happened , it is a mistake , fine , but why turn your life upside down just because you enjoyed a small thing ...

 

 

I beleieve the definition of cheating is becoming very narrow ,we are becoming borderline about it to a heavy extent;

 

 

if just flirting is cheating nowadays , what have we left to extreemists who consider a smile or a friendly kiss to a friend as an act of cheating ?

 

I am enjoying my backyard nowadays (the secret zone ), because the limit is the red line,in my religion , adultery is defined to be the " the physical act of PIV"; I am not a great follower ; but I started to believe that the rule mentioned is logical ...

 

 

we are human , we have emotions , feelings , we do small and big mistakes ...

 

If some small mistakes makes us happier without hurting anyone , where is the crime .

 

 

Just as an example , when I go out with friends and dance / flirt with girls , I am going back to my wife wanting her more , it is like an appetizer before the main dish .

 

My wife feels that I am flirting but I never give details anymore , I just tell her , if you see me dancing or flirting with a lady , don't be worried , be worried if I don't come back home , because If i cheat on you , I will not come back !

 

that's my 2 cents

[Tasha49]

You should tell your fiancé. In fact let him read the chat logs of your conversations with this clown. You can then explain to him that you were just joking around especially when you told the XBOX man you would be on a airplane flight to him right now, if only you didn't have this boat anchor of a fiancé to deal with... let the only person to judge you be the only person who matters to you. I can tell you one thing, young lady. If you were my intended, and assuming I just didn't call things off with you at once, I would FORBID you from playing any online games at all. Yep, that's right. Call me controlling and dominating. Call me unfair. Call me whatever you will. But if you didn't cease and desist from these addicting computer games at once, the one thing you wouldn't be able to call me is your husband.

 

Well it's a good thing my fiance is a lot more forgiving and understanding than you, and not so harsh. Haha. He looked it over tonight and he was only upset that I didn't back out sooner and block him. Which is true. I should have. But he was relieved nothing ever got overly flirty or sexual because I didn't let it get that far, and that I did attempt to shoot him down many times. Also that I said no when he wanted to send me a "picture" I can only imagine what it contained. He does feel hurt that I made the plane comment but he knows I didn't mean it because he knows me.

[Tasha49]

First ,chapeaux bas because you are feeling guilty about it , which means you stopped it or going to stop it soon .

 

Regarding absolute honesty , IMO it depends about the nature of your partner too ; it is ethical to tell him , but if he is of the type who will judge you for every single action you do ion the future then being honest with him is no more a bless.

 

2 years back and after 18 years of marriage , I attempted to cheat on my wife but refrained from doing it in the last moments, it was so close that the foreplay started , then I stopped and apologized...

 

I came back to my wife from the business trip and confessed...

 

of course she did not take it positive that I am honest ...

 

From my experience after 18 years of marriage , sometimes a backyard that do not violate the vows is acceptable to exist,

 

flirting happened , it is a mistake , fine , but why turn your life upside down just because you enjoyed a small thing ...

 

 

I beleieve the definition of cheating is becoming very narrow ,we are becoming borderline about it to a heavy extent;

 

 

if just flirting is cheating nowadays , what have we left to extreemists who consider a smile or a friendly kiss to a friend as an act of cheating ?

 

I am enjoying my backyard nowadays (the secret zone ), because the limit is the red line,in my religion , adultery is defined to be the " the physical act of PIV"; I am not a great follower ; but I started to believe that the rule mentioned is logical ...

 

 

we are human , we have emotions , feelings , we do small and big mistakes ...

 

If some small mistakes makes us happier without hurting anyone , where is the crime .

 

 

Just as an example , when I go out with friends and dance / flirt with girls , I am going back to my wife wanting her more , it is like an appetizer before the main dish .

 

My wife feels that I am flirting but I never give details anymore , I just tell her , if you see me dancing or flirting with a lady , don't be worried , be worried if I don't come back home , because If i cheat on you , I will not come back !

 

that's my 2 cents

 

The funny thing is, flirting by definition is: to behave as though attracted to or trying to attract someone, but for amusement rather than with serious intentions

 

With that being said, I don't see how that is being unfaithful. Especially since I didn't mean what I was saying, LITERALLY let me reiterate that to people. I only said it to make him feel better so I didn't have to be mean or disappointing. I hate disappointing people. I just do. I never flirt in person to anyone, not even an eye wink nor do I dance with any strange men haha. I don't really agree with heavy flirting to that degree. This whole situation didn't really make me happier, I was just flattered. That's it. At first. People would be lying to say it's not flattering being told you're good looking. But then it just got awkward so I realized instead of trying not to upset this random guys feelings... I needed to think about me and my future husband who would probably be upset with me that I didn't have a backbone. I have never had a backbone before. That's why I get walked on and put in a lot of situations I don't want to be in.

[frus69]

First ,chapeaux bas because you are feeling guilty about it , which means you stopped it or going to stop it soon .

 

Regarding absolute honesty , IMO it depends about the nature of your partner too ; it is ethical to tell him , but if he is of the type who will judge you for every single action you do ion the future then being honest with him is no more a bless.

 

2 years back and after 18 years of marriage , I attempted to cheat on my wife but refrained from doing it in the last moments, it was so close that the foreplay started , then I stopped and apologized...

 

I came back to my wife from the business trip and confessed...

 

of course she did not take it positive that I am honest ...

 

From my experience after 18 years of marriage , sometimes a backyard that do not violate the vows is acceptable to exist,

 

flirting happened , it is a mistake , fine , but why turn your life upside down just because you enjoyed a small thing ...

 

 

I beleieve the definition of cheating is becoming very narrow ,we are becoming borderline about it to a heavy extent;

 

 

if just flirting is cheating nowadays , what have we left to extreemists who consider a smile or a friendly kiss to a friend as an act of cheating ?

 

I am enjoying my backyard nowadays (the secret zone ), because the limit is the red line,in my religion , adultery is defined to be the " the physical act of PIV"; I am not a great follower ; but I started to believe that the rule mentioned is logical ...

 

 

we are human , we have emotions , feelings , we do small and big mistakes ...

 

If some small mistakes makes us happier without hurting anyone , where is the crime .

 

 

Just as an example , when I go out with friends and dance / flirt with girls , I am going back to my wife wanting her more , it is like an appetizer before the main dish .

 

My wife feels that I am flirting but I never give details anymore , I just tell her , if you see me dancing or flirting with a lady , don't be worried , be worried if I don't come back home , because If i cheat on you , I will not come back !

 

that's my 2 cents

 

Flirting is not cheating .but neither flirting or cheating is acceptable.

Would you be ok your wife give guys some lap dance then go back to you ? Lol