Is this harmless flirting?

[Tasha49]

Flirting is not cheating .but neither flirting or cheating is acceptable.

Would you be ok your wife give guys some lap dance then go back to you ? Lol

 

I agree with this statement. It is very fair when you put it that way. Neither are acceptable and I now know my place next time.

[Tasha49]

You did the right thing cutting this guy off now because you were playing with fire.

 

He may have seemed like a friend that was safe behind a computer screen, but the truth is he wasn't. He would have kept pushing the boundaries more and more until you were in over your head.

 

Sometimes it is difficult not to reciprocate compliments and keep strong boundaries without offending people, but it is necessary when you are in a serious relationship. It was a valuable lesson to learn before you get married. Now you know how easily these things can happen, even when you have innocent intentions, they can still sneak up on you and cause problems.

 

When a guy comes on to you or gives you lots of attention you need to shut him down, even if it hurts his feelings and makes him feel rejected.

 

This guy knew you were seriously involved with someone so don't feel bad for him. Blocking him was absolutely the right thing to do.

 

I really admire your advice. Thank you for that You actually said exactly what I've been trying to say but my words haven't come across the best yet, haha. I'd say my biggest flaw is not having a backbone of any sort to put my foot down and learn when to say no to people or tell them to flat out stop. If someone does something I don't like, instead of voicing my concern, I would rather avoid conflict altogether so I just keep silent and try to ignore it and hope it'll resolve itself by doing so. Most of the time this doesn't work. But this has been my biggest flaw since I can remember. I'm too nice to people. I think this is why this got so out of hand. I truly never meant it to go anywhere. I was just too nice to flat out tell him to screw off. I said it too nicely I think which is why he continued.

[ExpatInItaly]

It's good that you put a stop to it and told your fiance about it.

 

Now, you need to ask yourself why you failed to enforce an appropriate boundary sooner. I think this is critical, so that it doesn't happen again. Did you enjoy the attention? Are you feeling a little bored in your relationship? I feel there was some other payoff in it for you beyond being "nice." And I don't mean that in a judgmental way; I would seriously dig into myself and try to figure out why I continued to engage with someone who was being inappropriate.

 

This will help you better safeguard your relationship. You are headed towards marriage, and strong boundaries are vital.

[Tasha49]

It's good that you put a stop to it and told your fiance about it.

 

Now, you need to ask yourself why you failed to enforce an appropriate boundary sooner. I think this is critical, so that it doesn't happen again. Did you enjoy the attention? Are you feeling a little bored in your relationship? I feel there was some other payoff in it for you beyond being "nice." And I don't mean that in a judgmental way; I would seriously dig into myself and try to figure out why I continued to engage with someone who was being inappropriate.

 

This will help you better safeguard your relationship. You are headed towards marriage, and strong boundaries are vital.

 

As I've stated, it felt flattering to be told I'm attractive by someone. Even though my fiancé tells me all the time. I love everything about being with him, wouldn't change a thing except I have somewhat of a low self esteem at times. I'm critical and judgemental of myself when there's no reason to be. So a stranger telling me I was attractive made me feel nice. That is honest to God it. It gave my ego a bit of a boost. But after the first few times it just got to be too much flattery. He would start to say naughty things and thats when I told him to please tone that down because I'm not into that and I'm happy. I'm glad I did tell my guy, although now I feel quite terrible that I even hurt him at all. He told me he wasn't mad just disappointed that I didn't have a backbone.

[Gaeta]

Honey, you realized you were heading a slippery road and you stopped it even before it begin. You did not cheat, you simply were flattered by the attention and you caught yourself. Good for you! Now move on from this and enjoy your life with your husband to be.

 

DO NOT tell him about this. It will serve NO purpose what so ever!! You did nothing wrong. You simply accepted compliments from a stranger on the net. I can't believe some people want you to hurt your boyfriend over something this silly. He flirted with you SO WHAT. I am in a relationship and still get men's attention. I say thank you for the compliment and tell them I have a BF. Do I run home and tell my BF? Of course not!. Those are petty little things you solve on your own!

 

Good luck.

[Gaeta]

I'm glad I did tell my guy, although now I feel quite terrible that I even hurt him at all. He told me he wasn't mad just disappointed that I didn't have a backbone.

 

Tasha: if you want a long happy marriage then pick your battle wisely and solve your little problems on your own. You hurt him for nothing and he hurt you back with his <no backbone> comment. You're a big girl, you don't need to report everything to your boyfriend.

[Jabron1]

Tasha: if you want a long happy marriage then pick your battle wisely and solve your little problems on your own. You hurt him for nothing and he hurt you back with his <no backbone> comment. You're a big girl, you don't need to report everything to your boyfriend.

 

I think it's more important that she fends off other guys approaches to be honest.

 

Come on now. "I was being nice!". Really?

 

Nice is saying "You are really cool, but I have a boyfriend. Sorry.".

 

Not "If I didn't have a boyfriend, I would do X, Y, and Z".

 

You aren't a big girl, and you aren't ready for marriage in my opinion.

[PegNosePete]

Tasha: if you want a long happy marriage then pick your battle wisely and solve your little problems on your own. You hurt him for nothing and he hurt you back with his <no backbone> comment. You're a big girl, you don't need to report everything to your boyfriend.

Strongly disagree with the above post. Good, strong marriages are built on honesty and openness. Not hiding inappropriate interactions with other guys.

[JoeSmith357-1]

Tasha: if you want a long happy marriage then pick your battle wisely and solve your little problems on your own. You hurt him for nothing and he hurt you back with his <no backbone> comment. You're a big girl, you don't need to report everything to your boyfriend.

 

That's horrible advice...

 

If she wants a long happy marriage, she needs to not be engaging in this type of behavior with other guys, and then for you to advise she be dishonest about it and hide the behavior?? WTF?

 

Strongly disagree with the above post. Good, strong marriages are built on honesty and openness. Not hiding inappropriate interactions with other guys.

 

Exactly.

 

The idea is to not do these things, not hide them...

 

I think it's more important that she fends off other guys approaches to be honest.

 

Come on now. "I was being nice!". Really?

 

Nice is saying "You are really cool, but I have a boyfriend. Sorry.".

 

Not "If I didn't have a boyfriend, I would do X, Y, and Z".

 

You aren't a big girl, and you aren't ready for marriage in my opinion.

 

That, all day

Edited June 3, 2016 by JoeSmith357-1

[Gaeta]

Strongly disagree with the above post. Good, strong marriages are built on honesty and openness. Not hiding inappropriate interactions with other guys.

 

She did not hide anything. She did nothing wrong. She did not flirt back. A guy flirted with her and she deleted him after a few warnings he was taking it too far. There is nothing to confess.

 

Since I am in a relationship I got phone calls from ex-prospects. Random calls from men I went on a few dates with and it lead nowhere. I tell them 'thanks but I got a BF now'. You think I report that to my BF? What in the world would that serve other than make him feel insecure and make him create all kind of cheating scenarios in his head - for nothing.

[Gaeta]

That's horrible advice...

 

If she wants a long happy marriage, she needs to not be engaging in this type of behavior with other guys, and then for you to advise she be dishonest about it and hide the behavior?? WTF?

 

In what dishonest behavior did she participate in exactly???

 

She never flirted back, she warned him a few time to tone it down. When it didn't work she blocked him.

 

Again where is the dishonest behavior?

[Jabron1]

She did not hide anything. She did nothing wrong. She did not flirt back. A guy flirted with her and she deleted him after a few warnings he was taking it too far. There is nothing to confess.

 

Since I am in a relationship I got phone calls from ex-prospects. Random calls from men I went on a few dates with and it lead nowhere. I tell them 'thanks but I got a BF now'. You think I report that to my BF? What in the world would that serve other than make him feel insecure and make him create all kind of cheating scenarios in his head - for nothing.

 

Did you tell them that if you didn't have a boyfriend, you would be over there?

 

Come now, Gaeta. You know this is attention 'seeking'. And being a clever, and experienced woman, you should know where attention seeking leads.

[Gaeta]

About a week ago I got approached by a younger man in the metro. Hot dude! He told me: That's one gorgeous dress you have on, do you work around here? OF COURSE I know the guy is hitting on me, well not really ME but he's hitting on a pair of big boobs. Guess what? I felt flattered! I felt I STILL got it! I still turn heads (what a shady behavior of me right?) - and I looked at this guy with a big smile and said thank you for the compliment I am very flattered (how dare I ) - but I already got my man.

 

I enjoyed the attention and the compliments. Don't tell me you would not !! It's not because we're in relationships that we're dead and we don't appreciate the opposite gender giving us compliments. It's what we do with it that's important. OP did what she had to do. She asked him to tone it down, he didn't so she got rid of him.

[PegNosePete]

She did not hide anything. She did nothing wrong.

Goodness, did you even read the OP?

 

Since I am in a relationship I got phone calls from ex-prospects. Random calls from men I went on a few dates with and it lead nowhere. I tell them 'thanks but I got a BF now'. You think I report that to my BF? What in the world would that serve other than make him feel insecure and make him create all kind of cheating scenarios in his head - for nothing.

No of course what you did is fine and there's no reason to report that to your BF.

 

But that is totally different than the OP. Just re-read it. She acted inappropriately by allowing and encouraging the guys to continue to flirt with her, she even said if she was single she'd be taking a plane to see him!

 

Yes, eventually she got rid of him. Eventually. MUCH too late.

 

It's a completely different situation than an old flame sending one call and you telling him you're taken, or a random one-liner from a guy in the train. You're making a complete strawman argument here.

[Gaeta]

Goodness, did you even read the OP?

 

But that is totally different than the OP. Just re-read it. She acted inappropriately by allowing and encouraging the guys to continue to flirt with her, she even said if she was single she'd be taking a plane to see him!

 

I admit her block of text was a pain to read and I missed the part where she said if she were single she'd fly to him. That's pretty bad. I think she needs to do some introspection as to why she played that game with him. Wedding stress?

[Jabron1]

About a week ago I got approached by a younger man in the metro. Hot dude! He told me: That's one gorgeous dress you have on, do you work around here? OF COURSE I know the guy is hitting on me, well not really ME but he's hitting on a pair of big boobs. Guess what? I felt flattered! I felt I STILL got it! I still turn heads (what a shady behavior of me right?) - and I looked at this guy with a big smile and said thank you for the compliment I am very flattered (how dare I ) - but I already got my man.

 

I enjoyed the attention and the compliments. Don't tell me you would not !! It's not because we're in relationships that we're dead and we don't appreciate the opposite gender giving us compliments. It's what we do with it that's important. OP did what she had to do. She asked him to tone it down, he didn't so she got rid of him.

 

One brief meeting in a coffee shop or whatever is very different from a protracted relationship over the internet for weeks/months, and exploiting some random off of XBOX LIVE for validation.

 

I think she needs to do some introspection as to why she played that game with him. Wedding stress?

 

The excuse of "being nice" was actually far better

[Tasha49]

Good grief. I said I don't know why I would say the plane comment when I LITERALLY wouldn't even do that if I was single. I just said it to make him feel better because I was flattered. I don't know how to flirt I never flirt with people so I said something awkward I never actually meant. I never said anything sexual and never said he was hot or I liked him or that I wished I was single. I am plenty ready for marriage thank you.

[Gaeta]

Good grief. I said I don't know why I would say the plane comment when I LITERALLY wouldn't even do that if I was single. I just said it to make him feel better because I was flattered. I don't know how to flirt I never flirt with people so I said something awkward I never actually meant. I never said anything sexual and never said he was hot or I liked him or that I wished I was single. I am plenty ready for marriage thank you.

 

 

In your head it was to make him feel better.

 

In his head it meant you'd go there and have wild sex with him.

[Tasha49]

I DID tell my fiance. I did not hide anything. Especially since he has my password to Facebook because I gave it to him a long time ago. Though even if I did keep this to myself... it wouldn't be horrible. Because it never got sexual and I never flirted back with I'll intentions. The plane comment was a bit much. I realized that right after and told him I was joking. Which I was. But the fact I was able to stop communicating shortly after and I told my fiance... I think I deserve a freaking cookie.

[Tasha49]

In your head it was to make him feel better.

 

In his head it meant you'd go there and have wild sex with him.

 

That made me laugh actually. I now realized how that might appear to a man. A single man to that. BUT I still told him that I was taken and happy. And I can't be flirting back with him because it is dishonest and I'm happily getting married. I could have hidden this entirely. But I'd never do such a thing. Trust me he knew I wasn't gonna be getting on a plane

[Jabron1]

Good grief. I said I don't know why I would say the plane comment when I LITERALLY wouldn't even do that if I was single. I just said it to make him feel better because I was flattered. I don't know how to flirt I never flirt with people so I said something awkward I never actually meant. I never said anything sexual and never said he was hot or I liked him or that I wished I was single. I am plenty ready for marriage thank you.

 

I'm just keeping it real with you, love. If you want people to indulge you, then there are plenty of people to do that.

 

Of course you are a helpless victim, and this guy was a jackal

 

Ignore what I say, and live in fantasy land, If that's what you want. But don't expect everyone else to join you there and indulge it - that's all.

[PegNosePete]

I think I deserve a freaking cookie.

Really? If I stole your purse and then gave it back, would I deserve a cookie?

 

I'm glad you and your BF were able to work it out, but your positive actions only cancelled out the negative ones. You're back to square 1. Sorry, no cookies yet.

[Tasha49]

I'm not telling people to pat me on the back and tell me I did good. I'm telling people to understand me better. Instead of make assumptions about why I did what I did.

 

It's not so black and white you know. I didn't tell the guy to keep going. I didn't allow him to cross the line I'd shut him down. Basically my fault in this is that I didn't stop it sooner and that I felt flattered by the compliments. Just because I'm getting married doesn't mean a guy giving me compliments and me saying thank you makes me a bad person. I think we all like flattery.

 

I have washed my hands clean. And I'm glad I did. I still feel guilty about it and I deserve some flack. But I don't deserve silly accusations as to what type of person people think I am because they magically know the meanings behind every one of my actions.

[Gaeta]

I'm not telling people to pat me on the back and tell me I did good. I'm telling people to understand me better. Instead of make assumptions about why I did what I did.

 

It's not so black and white you know. I didn't tell the guy to keep going. I didn't allow him to cross the line I'd shut him down. Basically my fault in this is that I didn't stop it sooner and that I felt flattered by the compliments. Just because I'm getting married doesn't mean a guy giving me compliments and me saying thank you makes me a bad person. I think we all like flattery.

 

I have washed my hands clean. And I'm glad I did. I still feel guilty about it and I deserve some flack. But I don't deserve silly accusations as to what type of person people think I am because they magically know the meanings behind every one of my actions.

 

I am not throwing rocks at you like the others. You were flattered by the attention, you said some things that you did not fully understand the underlying message. I am sure when you told him you'd fly to him you didn't think it was a hook-up offer. You have to be careful of what you say because men see offers where sometimes there is none, so imagine if you say something that is half suggestive then you're in trouble.

 

I am sure this was a lesson and you won't do anything like this again.

[Jabron1]

I'm not telling people to pat me on the back and tell me I did good. I'm telling people to understand me better. Instead of make assumptions about why I did what I did.

 

It's not so black and white you know. I didn't tell the guy to keep going. I didn't allow him to cross the line I'd shut him down. Basically my fault in this is that I didn't stop it sooner and that I felt flattered by the compliments. Just because I'm getting married doesn't mean a guy giving me compliments and me saying thank you makes me a bad person. I think we all like flattery.

 

I have washed my hands clean. And I'm glad I did. I still feel guilty about it and I deserve some flack. But I don't deserve silly accusations as to what type of person people think I am because they magically know the meanings behind every one of my actions.

 

It's not 'magic'. It's called 'experience'.

 

I've shagged plenty of girls who had 'boyfriends' - even a couple that had husbands

 

I know when a door is open or closed. And the door was definitely 'ajar' here.

 

Of course, you were just being 'nice, friendly, personable' etc.

 

I believe you that you had no intention of ever sleeping with this dude. But I'm also telling you where the validation for attention leads.

 

You can either listen to that, or continue to play the victim card. It's ultimately your life - not mine.

 

I am not throwing rocks at you like the others.

 

I'm not 'throwing rocks'; I'm being straight.

 

Why is anything other than a pat on the head considered a personal attack?

Edited June 3, 2016 by Jabron1