I changed my mind about NC...may provide insight for some.

[ChuckDee33]

Ok, so after a month and a half of not speaking on the phone and two months of not seeing her, I decided to call my ex gf (she broke up with me last August). We had exchanged a few emails in that time but other than that, NC. It was my decision and I think I used NC the right way...to help me clear my head and get away from the bad place I was in for so long.

 

I just think that total NC is pointless when you still love someone. I moved an hour away from her to get a fresh start and a month later I just decided I had used NC to my benefit and it served it's purpose.

 

I guess I contacted her partly because in one of the emails she said that her and her new bf came to terms that they could never be in love with each other....but they are still together. So when I called her she explained that they have been through ups and downs like any other relationship and she still misses me. I know she still loves me. But they don't seem to be breaking up any time soon. It's all kind of strange and I don't understand it but whatever.

 

She also said that he told her he wasn't going to see is ex and so she decided to be fair to him and say that she wouldn't see me either. I can understand that and I respect that. Besides, she knows for sure that I am totally uncomfortable with being 'just friends' and that I wouldn't want to see her the way things are now. I don't want to feel like I have to hold back my feelings if I did see her because I tried to do that before and it was disastrous.

 

So we both understand that we can't see each other right now. We don't know what the future will hold. There are no expectations. I've made a lot of progress from the hell I used to be living in. I haven't cried in months, I don't sit around dwelling on the breakup anymore. I even met and went out with some chick a couple times since I moved. But I do still love her and none of my feelings for her have changed. She knows this.

 

My point of all this is that I decided NC had run it's course and now I am in a place where we can talk and I'm not going to feel any worse than I already had at one point. It doesn't make me feel worse. I got some comfort from talking to her and hearing her voice. So, I told her she could call me whenever and I would call her, that I didn't want to ignore her just for the sake of ignoring her, you know?

 

I believe if you truly still love someone and they haven't been mean or tried to push you away, then use NC to your advantage and when you feel better you can then initiate contact on a limited basis. Keeping the lines of communication open I think is better than shutting someone out, especially if you know you have healed a lot. I think that will at least improve the chances of a reconciliation in the future.

 

Anybody have a similar experience? Please comment.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by ChuckDee33

Ok, so after a month and a half of not speaking on the phone and two months of not seeing her, I decided to call my ex gf (she broke up with me last August). We had exchanged a few emails in that time but other than that, NC.

 

That's "limited contact." NC means NO contact. Email, text, mail, phone, etc. Nothing.

 

It was my decision and I think I used NC the right way...to help me clear my head and get away from the bad place I was in for so long.

 

I just think that total NC is pointless when you still love someone. I moved an hour away from her to get a fresh start and a month later I just decided I had used NC to my benefit and it served it's purpose.

 

Right. You used LIMITED contact, not NC.

 

I believe if you truly still love someone and they haven't been mean or tried to push you away, then use NC to your advantage and when you feel better you can then initiate contact on a limited basis. Keeping the lines of communication open I think is better than shutting someone out, especially if you know you have healed a lot. I think that will at least improve the chances of a reconciliation in the future.

 

Anybody have a similar experience? Please comment.

 

NC is for when you want to MOVE ON and FORGET your ex (and heal fast).

LC is when you think there might be SOME hope. Use it sparingly. (heal slower)

FC (full contact) is when you like being used, abused and treated like crap (never heal).

 

Well, that's my 2 cents

[ChuckDee33]

Well, I understand the oh so strict definition of NC, I guess for me I just use the term too much. For all intensive purposes, nothing but three or four emails in a two month period is basically NC.

 

I should mention that she was the first to email me and I reluctently wrote back, but not right away. We exchanged the emails very casually and not expecting a response right away.

 

But yes, I decided LC by way of telephone is the way to go for me. There is still SOME hope.

 

Everybody's situation is different. I suppose you could say I went from living a pipe dream to just living. Whatever happens happense. No point in totally acting like the other person isn't important to you when you know they absolutely are. Even if things aren't exactly how you'd like them to be.

[HotCaliGirl]

Originally posted by ConfusedInOC

NC is for when you want to MOVE ON and FORGET your ex (and heal fast).

LC is when you think there might be SOME hope. Use it sparingly. (heal slower)

FC (full contact) is when you like being used, abused and treated like crap (never heal).

That's a good summary. When I broke up w/ my bf, we stopped contacting each other. Last week he sent an email. It made me realize how much I had healed and after giving it some thought over a couple of days, I decided to respond. I was tempted to write back something nasty, to vent, and all that.

 

On the other hand, I also thought about writing something very nice since some feelings are still there. I also kept thinking if I should even write back. In the end I wrote something very neutral. I don't regret it either, so I'm glad with my final decision. It was matter of fact but not cold nor friendly, with no response required and I feel like I got closure from an email that had a topic completely unrelated to our problem.

 

I guess that was LC and I would do the same if he called or wrote again, whereas before I was in a NC-mode, possibly since I was not recovered enough to handle any communication, as though I'd reopen the wounds. But now it feels good to know that the wounds have repaired and I've recovered from the storm.

 

I guess that leaves the door open for any future friendship whereaas NC is to be used if you want that person 100% out of your life for now and in the future. And FC is if you want to inflict pain on yourself like stabbing your heart in a moronic way then crying about it, amazed as to why you aren't feeling any better.

[ChuckDee33]

The thing I feel though is that I could never ever be strictly friends with her. Even if we were both in a relationship and in love with somebody else.

 

While I have accepted the situation as it is now, I still desire a loving relationship with her again. I can't deny that at all. I just don't see my feelings for her changing in the future. I think two people who had a true first love in each other and it lasted for a good while, that they can't just revert to being buddies over time. But that's just my humble opinion on things.

[SRVGOD33]

Hi all, it's ChuckDee33. I had to start a new account.

 

Well, my last post on this thread was a month and a half ago. I have to amend my opinion once again...

 

Since I told her she could contact me by phone whenever (1 1/2 months ago) she has not called or emailed once except to thank me for a small birthday gift. After all the talk about wanting to keep in touch with me and be able to call me, it's like she has blown me off. I emailed her around her bday telling her how this made me feel and asking what is really going on...you know, just give it to me straight and stop f-ing around with my head. She IMed me saying she wants to enjoy her birthday celebrations(understandable) and she'd write me later.

 

2 1/2 weeks later...still haven't heard a peep from her. I'm so tired of putting myself out there for her like that. I wish she could just be straight with me on her intentions and save me the trouble. I don't know anything for sure but I am done with trying to keep her in my life this way. It's just not worth the strife anymore. If she wants to talk about us then maybe I'll talk to her, otherwise I'm going NC indefinitely.

 

So if the last time I contacted her was on her bday, that was 17 days ago. I will post here again when I hit one month. It's not hard anymore to not contact her. In fact, that's the easy part. What's difficult is wondering what's going on in her head...if all I've really been is a lean-on while her current relationship moves forward.

 

There's something going on and I can't put my finger on it. She's never lied to me, never tried to hurt me intentionally. I think the true test of her intentions will reveal itself when their relationship hits a bump again. If she has only been contacting me when that happens then F it. I want her to contact me because she really wants to talk to me, not because of that.

 

But anyway, I am definitely sticking to strict NC now. I am almost positive she will write or call within the next month or two. She got so used to me sticking my neck out for her. Let's see how she takes a dose of her own medicine.

[A Fly onThe Wall]

Originally posted by ChuckDee33

I know she still loves me.

 

You are reading things into your conversation.. NC .. She is still banging some other guy not you..

[A Fly onThe Wall]

Originally posted by SRVGOD33

she has not called or emailed once except to thank me for a small birthday gift.

 

 

2 1/2 weeks later...still haven't heard a peep from her.

 

 

 

There's something going on and I can't put my finger on it.

 

Same advice.. She is still banging some other guy not you.. and she won't be banging you anytime soon.. NC .. You don't seem to be able to do NC.. NC means NC .. not I'll contact her in a month or so..

[SRVGOD33]

Thanks for driving that point home Fly. I'm aware of the trappings that usually come along with being in a relationship these days.

 

Sex is one thing. Love is another.

 

I AM sticking to complete NC, trust me. I won't give myself any reason to break it...I don't have one anyway. I won't let her give me a reason to break it either. If she convinces me she wants us to work out for the right reasons, then we can talk. Right now I'm just going on the assumption that we're out of each other's lives indefinitely.

 

NC really is the only way. There's no getting around it no matter what.

[A Fly onThe Wall]

Breaking up is not an easy thing to get thru.. Keep it up..

 

It only lasts till you move on..

[IfiKnewThen]

try not to live in regret. i believe there is a thing called TC. Transitional Contact. sometimes we are in a transitional phase. where we feel stronger or think maybe we can handle this. or yes, maybe there is still some glimmer of hope. or maybe we need to say something to the other party ; and we want to have some control and say whatever we still NEED to say. we only live once. nothing is cut and dry. i believe we can do a NC thing and trust me its all grand and all good. but when we go through transitions (growth feel braver, etc) contact can occur. will it help us? who knows. maybe for some it will. pride is important. afterall our ex's..most of them..hurt our pride and NC is a form of protection. so we dont want our pride wounded anymore. but rising above ourselves, even if that means not making pride the big issue, but taking a chance on facing down our demons, is a noteworthy thing too. she didnt call back. thats sux, i know. but do you know what? so what. you did what YOU wanted to do and YOu took a chance and YOu are a better person for facing down the demon. the thing is now NOT to beat yourself up. take that strength, from that person inside of you that said "i can talk and deal" and pat yourself on the back. its not easy to talk to a love (yes) love that meant something to YOU, when rejection may even be inevitable. do you make it a habit? do you keep trying to "win". or correct....self correct...even with NC. i dont know the answers. but at least try not to look back. think of good old fran sinatra saying i did it my way. (at least on that very day, you took a chance) healing is about up and downs and transition periods within ones self..i know that. i have done what you have done and i have beat myself up at times. but did i really want to do it someone else's way? was i ready for that at the time? no. so just dont do too hard on yourself. you can still do NC, and pull the gift of yourself away from this person who doesnt appreciate it now in her life for whatever reasons. that is your right. of course we all want it to somehow impact the other person. but if they dont care..screw it. there comes a point (and i have to tell myself this too) where we have to say its their loss. (and believe it)

[IfiKnewThen]

i yi yi. did i say fran sinatra? sorry

 

frank . i will tell you what NC hasnt helped my typo's

[SRVGOD33]

Thanks for your words IIKN. I've most definitely been through ups and downs the past year. Practicing NC makes me feel good because I know I'm doing the best thing I could do for myself as the situation is...but it also makes me sad that it's come to this. I think she'll continue to be a double-edged sword for me.

 

It's hard to say what is going on with her and inside her head. There are several possibilities but like you said I have to look at it differently than how I used to. She is not this suberbly wonderful, perfect, will always love me no matter what person that she used to be to me. I tried to keep her that person in my mind for so long. After nearly a year of struggling, falling down and getting back up and everything in between, it's just time to not look back anymore.

 

Now I pull myself away from her for REAL this time. I tried to before but something always pulled me back in. (Kinda like The Godfather ) You're probably right about her not appreciating my efforts to stay connected to her, even amidst a painful breakup and her getting into a new relationship and me moving away. I'm almost positive me doing NC will bring her out at some point. It always has before and this is just another revolution of it all. The only thing is what is she going to have to say to me and will I even want to listen? Will it even matter anymore?

 

It is her loss and my loss at the same time. I wish we could find each other again. Time will tell.

I'm not gonna play a game of who will crack first and call or write. The ball's in her court. She can either return it or go shove it up her a$$. I know that sounds mean but it's true.

[Mary3]

Its Bullcrappyola .

 

NC is not like bank account where later you can get money out if you need to but rather its a *closing* of an account from which you have no access ..

 

In this case , you are on a flexible spending account and you need to close this account ASAP !

 

Don't kid yourself or wait around while they sleep together and later she wants another * deposit * from you ! lol

[ChuckDee33]

Ok, I got my old account back

 

So she called my cell last night...I didn't answer of course. She left a message which I checked later. In it, she sounded the usual...''hey it's me I'm just calling to say hey, sorry I haven't called lately I've just been busy." Busy? Oh come on, over a month and a half since the incident i mentioned above in this post and she's just now getting around to calling me. I think she's just testing the water again to see if I respond. And btw, the tone of her voice when she said "i've been busy'' was a little reserved like she knows it's a BS excuse.

 

She said how she's been at the beach chillin and she'd be back Sunday. Why would she want to tell me when she'd be back, like that matters to me? Anyway, she said to call if I want and she hopes I am doing ok, yadda yadda bantha fodda.

 

I want to tell myself she called because she misses me and only because of that. I can tell in her voice she does, you know it's just one of those things you can tell from someone's voice when you've known them that long. It comes through when she says goodbye. But at the same time I bet she just fought with her boyfriend or some crap like that and there I am as always ready to give myself up to her. Maybe not, who knows.

 

I hope you guys on LS can help me stay motivated to stick with NC. I am doing ok with it but damn when she calls or writes I have to find a way to pull myself back some more. I guess there's no good reason to break NC unless she lets me know she wants to talk about US and not just chit chat like everything is fine and dandy between us.

 

I feel stronger when she calls and I don't respond. Sure, it's also a self-defense mechanism, of course NC automatically is. We'll see how things play out. I'm certain complete NC on my part will continue to allow me more strength to move on regardless of how it affects her. I'd be lying if I said I hope it makes her realize what she is losing but that is secondary to it helping me out.

[ChuckDee33]

Sry, last sentence should read "I'd be lying if I DIDN'T say I hope it makes her realize what she is losing."

[Mary3]

NC makes you STRONGER as time goes on it gets easier and easier and pretty soon their capture of your heart slowly releases and you peek out from under the shroud of bullcrappy and say " Wow , there is life out there ! "

 

Keep it up !

 

|Post back with any questions . We will help if we can

[ChuckDee33]

She called me again tonight. Again I didn't answer. If history repeats itself she call again probably in a week or so. Only this time it'll be her who has to deal with the burning questions and curiosity of it all. I'm using NC for the right reason but I know it's going to make her sit up and think about things after a while...she will see what it's like when I'm not playing into her hands like she's been so used to! I know that is SO true.

 

Doesn't matter who did what or who said what when, it's true that you want what you can't have. I apparently can't 'have' her and now she can't 'have' me. It'll reveal her true feelings and intents sooner or later. If she isn't willing to fight for me like I did for her for so long, I don't want her! It's not worth it if both people aren't willing to put the same amount of effort into it, no way no how.

 

NC for 20 days now and counting.

[ChuckDee33]

Well, she called for a third time the other night. I was at a bar with friends and I decided to answer. I went outside and we talked for like 30 minutes. Basically, she just was calling to say hello and not to talk about relationship stuff...where as I can't just put that aside. I just wanted her to tell me what was going on and she said she was in fact in love with her boyfriend and she had her life straightened out and she was happy right now. I asked her why all that stuff before about wanting to see me and how she couldn't ever be in love...she said she was going through a 'confusing time' in her life and she was sorry about that.

 

So it's not a big shock or anything, I don't feel any worse about it all because it's been quite a while now. But she said she doesn't want to cut me out of her life, she doesn't believe in doing that. She wants only to be my friend because that's all she can be right now. RIGHT NOW...I hate that crap. It's really not about me being a safety net or a backup plan, according to her. Sad thing is that I believe that now. She truly wants to be just friends. Now, if we saw each other who knows what kind of feelings would come out, who knows what would happen.

 

The past year has been a slow evolution of her getting into a new relationship and now apparently falling in love. I asked her if it's anything like what we had and she said she can't compare it, whatever that means. She said later down the road her boyfriend might be ok with her seeing me...I told her straight up I'd never be all to see her again just as friends so don't even worry about that. She is a certain person to me and my life and I can't change the way I feel about that, I just can't.

 

I am this close to writing her for the last time to say I think we should just go our separate ways and not contact each other anymore. She might think it's fine to call once a month or whatever and that's the extent of how she's in my life. I don't want her in my life like that. I want her in it a certain way because like I said she is a certain person to me. At least she was. Now she is like a stranger. We haven't seen in each in almost 4 months. This doesn't make me happy and I don't feel it's healthly to keep up contact like this.

 

I need you guys/gals to help me make the right decision for myself. I know I could just ignore her calls/emails but I'd rather tell her straight out how this makes me feel (like I haven't already a million times) and as long as the situation doesn't change and her feelings stay the same that we should let each other go, no more contact. That way I wouldn't have to worry about being tempted to answer back when I know nothing is different. I have no problem staying away from contacting her anymore...it's just when she contacts me that it's tough.

 

I honestly hate that I feel I have to do this but the other night was the straw that broke the camel's back. Should I send the email or just say nothing? It's feels like such a HUGE decision! One I've came very close to making firmly several times in the past. Now it really feels like there's no hope, no going back. I hate to cut off someone who means so much to me...but at what costs to my own happiness?

[sanne]

by all means send her the email.

 

she's moved on, found someone else. your chapter together is over, there cannot be a friendship (you know that and now she must realize that too). make sure you have said all you wanted to say in that email because it'll be the last contact you ever make with her if your serious about moving on.

[Mary3]

Hey I think you are doing fantastic ! I KNOW you don't see through the haze and mist of pain right now , well not extremely clearly , but you are doing a GREAT job so far ! You deserve the credit for doing something so hard and I commend you.

 

Her line of : "Oh well, I just want to be your friend and well my new bf does not like it right now, you know the idea of hanging out with you..., but maybe he will later , and can you freeze frame your life on hold for me because I know you still feel something. ? Can you please waste more precious moments of your life lamenting about me , because I know I have that kind of hold on you ? "

 

Answer : Um NO !

 

No you can't. *Have a nice day* is all that needs to be said to her. She *Chose* this path.

 

Let her walk it ALONE. The most delicious aspect will be when she sees what she lost. But we dont focus on that ...on what she lost and neither should YOU. Meaning she wont have a profound * moment * of Oh MY GOd what did I do to my x bf ? No....um she won't....She is happy with someone....( Sorry I dont mean to hurt you more by saying that ) But the fact is she is and you need to remember that...

 

It is ...what it is...which is nothing....over...done....and she wanted that. The next time you get a wonderful memory of her remember what she DID to you.

[butterfly29]

ChuckDEE,

 

Sorry, but it sounds to me that you are diluded!

 

As brutal as it is, it's the truth. No contact was tried out by many and is proven to be the ONLY thing that works when you try to get over someone. Here are the reasons for NC:

 

1. Your mind isn't clear

 

and that's why you can't talk to them objectively. When you think of this person you still "love" you don't think clearly, you see them through distorted glasses of prizm. Who knows what you see when you look through those glasses, but definately not a clear picture of who that person really is. It changes each time, some moments you think you love them, other times, you hate them for what they did to you. They messed you up and yet something in you still believes that they are the love of your life and you want them back.

 

2. You deceve yourself constantly without realizing it.

 

Yes, you are! Because you really want to talk to them. You fool yourself into believing that you're over them and start making up excuses just to email them or call them. When you do, you find yourself hurt and disapointed over and over again. And then you fool yourself to believe you're not hurt by the fact that they have moved on and are with somebody else. You fool yourself that keeping contact with them, partially or consistantly, hearing news from them about their new affairs doesn't really affect you.

 

3. You build plans in your head

 

about getting them back, sometimes without realizing so. Only a definate NC will help you see the real truth. NC means you have No Control over this person, you can't change the fact that they decided to move on or any other decision they make, regardles of how much it hurt you. You can't have them back!

 

4. You can't truly move on

 

and have a life, because in your mind there they are! Lingering and dangling. Even if you go out on a date with someone else or even f*** someone else, still in your head that person is there. You still wonder how they are doing and if they think of you just as much as you think of them, while in bed with someone else!

 

5. You lose a part of yourself

 

each time you call/email/AIM/textmsg/see them! You step on your pride, dignity, self esteem, self-respect, deny how you truly feel about this person, which is hurt, rejected, heartbroken and foolish! All just because you want to talk to them BADLY! And when you are truly over this person, finally help you God to see the light, you get to see all this self abuse you've done.

 

So PLEEAAAASSSSSE! Don't poison yours and other people's mind by saying that No Contact is pointless.

[Mary3]

Greeeeeat Post Butterfly !

 

Exactuamudo ! Please read Butterflys post....its going to save you alot of grief if you STOP talking to your ex gf....

 

I mean don't you feel bad after talking to her ? You should feel good inside and shes not making you feel that way.

 

Start making plans....

 

Feel how empowered you will be !

 

Let go of her...NC .....all the way...

[ChuckDee33]

[

So PLEEAAAASSSSSE! Don't poison yours and other people's mind by saying that No Contact is pointless.

 

Butterfly, did you even read my latest posts here...I have in fact realized NC is the only way to go! I know you are quoting me from an earlier post from like two months ago, which is understandable. But since then, more has happened to the point of me now understanding there is no going back and any amount of contact is doing me no good. Now I just have to let her know I don't want her contacting me.

 

Sry, I thank you for your input and it is very accurate. I just wanted to make sure everyone knows things have changed for me since I first started this thread. I could have started a new one but for continuity sake I decided to post to my old one.

 

I am confident that sending the email is the right thing to do. It's just time to do this and not look back because that's all that's left to do. Thanks for your encouragement people.

[Mary3]

High 5*s for being the strong man you are