ResidentRed Posted June 2, 2016 Share Posted June 2, 2016 (edited) Hi I am f, early 30s. Since high school I had a friend who in our late teens we hung around nearly all the time. I knew he liked me and I really liked him but he had a reputation for getting bored with girls and moving on, I had a bf at the time and so I ignored the chemistry. We never lost touch although the time we spent together lessened as we grew older and got on with our own lives. I have been married and am now going through a divorce, amicable (we just grew apart but weirdly we remain friends, we just have such different paths in life now and different needs). My old school friend (SF) got on well with ex hubby and we all spent time together. The last few months SF and I have been spending more time together, he has also gone through a break up not so long ago. In that time I feel we have gotten closer again. We watch tv and snuggle up together and go for trips out fairly regularly. We often talk in between meets but it's not intense. The reason this now gets messy is SF has depression and the last few months it has been quite severe. The time before last I saw him he was playful and flirty, tickling me and putting his arm around me which was about 2 weeks ago, he wanted to cuddle in front of the fire and he was quite touchy feely and he was the same the time before that too. Last time I saw him a few days ago he was very withdrawn though, almost to the point of it being a bit awkward. I rested my head on him and he seemed to almost withdraw so I backed right off. He did tell me he had recently run into his ex and I know part of him still pines for her (as I do with my ex sometimes - the end of an unhealthy relationship still requires processing and I understand that). He also told me he misses the touchy feely stuff now he is alone and loves that we can be close. And now I'm really confused as to whether I am imagining what is going on or if his pulling away is just because he is dealing with his head and seeing his ex again. I don't need any kind of commitment at all and I am happy to see how things go, I guess what I am looking for is to see whether I am barking completely up the wrong tree and this is in fact all platonic, or if there could be anything in it. I am terrified to actually bring it up though in case I make a huge fool out of myself. I do not want to lose this friendship as he is such a link to my past and I can cope with the resurfaced feelings. I feel like I am going a bit mad, this push and pull is a bit confusing! But equally I love the time I am spending with SF. I am wondering if it's best to cut all the touchy feely stuff completely (as wonderful as it feels) and just go back to how things were. Whether that would be safer. Part of me feels like I am playing with fire. If anyone has had similar experiences or advice I would love to hear from you. RR Edited June 2, 2016 by ResidentRed Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted June 2, 2016 Share Posted June 2, 2016 Nope. Back away. Hes being lonely and needy using a friend to fill an emotional void as he is lomely and you are an obvious target. He isnt dumb. Definately realizes you have some feelings so he uses that when he needs it for an ego stroke but it is misleading. He saw you were getting attached to the physical so he sent a clear sign of a no go the last time you got together. That hot cold push pull behavior is user 101. Its a red flag. The ex comes back...hes off you...she goes away, he becomes needy as he is going to fill that void in any way he can. But it is at your expense. Your gut is telling you something is off. It is. I know you like him and care...but your feelings are going to allow you to get strung along. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ResidentRed Posted June 2, 2016 Author Share Posted June 2, 2016 Oh god... This is what I was afraid of. And I feel like an idiot! How embarrassing :-( I'm wondering if the best thing is to go back to being normal with him. If he tries to get close do I just pull away? He likes my statuses on facebook and he wants to meet soon for a day out soon too. Do I just never be the first to message? How can undo looking like I'm too keen? Or do I just crawl under a rock now? ? RR Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 2, 2016 Share Posted June 2, 2016 I think he's using you as a surrogate for his ex, like he said, to keep up some physical comfort. I think your best bet to ever have a fair shot at a relationship with him is to get out of his life until he gets over his ex and moves on. Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted June 2, 2016 Share Posted June 2, 2016 Id not initiate ANY contact and keep my distance. Im sorry as Im sure you dont want to cut him out however he has blurred some lines and you've allowed that. Surely you have other friends and cool things to do this summer with other people? If you think by being the stand in gal and giving him your time that he will develop stronger feelings and you will be chosen as true gf material...it generally doesnt work that way at ALL. At *best you'd be a rebound if they cant work it out. Thats still using you to fill a void. Shut down your emotions for him...dont reach out and when he does Id be "busy". Distance as you've already been used and Id be real leery of him now. That whole "Im glad we can be close" meant...thanks pal for being a stand in while I was working it out with x. Steer clear please trust me Ive seen it many times and also went through it personally. You like him, but he isnt nice, and doesnt feel the same. Lesson learned for you! Hugs. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ResidentRed Posted June 2, 2016 Author Share Posted June 2, 2016 Great. Ha! But friends leaning on one another to an extent is fairly normal, I agree with what you're saying, but I'm wondering if there's a way for me to stay and be supportive like before. Especially whilst he has clinical depression, but return to normal. I can put this in a box and leave the physical alone. If I did that, and next time he gets touchy just say it's blurring a line and I value the friendship and will support him however I can but I don't want to get too close in that respect as it muddies things, is that reasonable? I'm hoping a friendship of 16 years can stand this test. I just feel a bit humiliated actually. Like I've been really stupid and he must think I'm an idiot now. RR Link to post Share on other sites
Author ResidentRed Posted June 2, 2016 Author Share Posted June 2, 2016 I just saw your reply privatelegal.... We must have replied at the same time. I'm so sad :-( Why did I let this happen :-( RR Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted June 3, 2016 Share Posted June 3, 2016 I dont think its feasible to be friends right now. I had a friendship of 15 yrs turn into an emotional affair and it ended. It was so hurtful but the line was crossed and it never was the same. But is it a good friend if he could play with your feelings like that? It really hurts you to feel used. He chose that. You dont need a big dramatic breakup and I know its hard but If I were you Id create tonnss of space. I would just be busy and kind of phase him out cause no matter what you have a soft spot. You can block it out as best you can but each time he gets close, confides, needs you, hangs out...an emotional bond is vuilt and you are subtely able to be manipulated and sucked back in. He knows how to do that and knew that he could use you in that way and even if you feel you are strong...it will keep happening and you will believe him every time. Think on it a little. Link to post Share on other sites
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