is it two years down the drain? is it fixable? [update 2016-07-04]

[Iamlostin]

After two weeks of back and fourth with my ex of two years he finally put his foot down and warned me to leave him alone or he will block me. We had two weddings to attend, three parties that are all formal, and I thought going as friends was ok. But apparently it's not. We broke up because I was too pushy and gave him no place to breathe. We hooked up ONE week after our breakup and we were originally planning to do that occasionally. I always told him to please be honest throughout the relationship and tell me when something bothers him but he never really opened up. He'd be the kind of man to hold it all in until he blew up. He cried when we broke up and said he wasn't feeling it anymore and needs to work on himself because eventually in two years he'll be approaching 30. A few months before the breakup he did not have a job therefore no christmas gifts or birthday gifts nothing, and I never let that bother me. I was supportive and hopeful for him, I ALWAYS said how proud I was and that we will get through it and we did...but what now? Is he dealing with something I don't know about? Is it just too much? He is so stubborn and I want to work on this. Is this "whole work on me thing" a bull**** reason...or is this fixable. I love and care about him and accept the breakup. However, I still want to keep a positive connection as much as i've pushed and pushed and pushed. Everyone truely believes one day we'll get back together but honestly, it doesn't seem like it. He wants to be alone, but how long is too long? Is it a bad idea to text him down the road? Is there any hope???? Anyone had any similar situations!? all comments are welcome !!!!!!!!!

[Daxter325]

I'm impressed that you guys were still able to "hook up" after a break up, let alone stay in contact.

 

You should probably just leave him be. People say the same thing about me and my sons mother that eventually she'll realize her mistake blah blah. It's nice to hear that but you obviously know him better than the people saying that, and if you feel this is the end - it probably is.

 

And is "working on myself" a BS excuse, honestly, I'm currently wondering that myself.

[privategal]

I think he is honestly really turned off by your behavior and just really wants space and to breathe.

Its pushing him away.

He doesnt want to be friends and communicate. You are pushing him away and your friends are giving you false hope that you will get back together.

Im sorry your hurt but regroup and do not contact him in any way for any reason. Zero.

Do not also look at his social media, speak to his friends or go out where he goes.

You need to let go right now even though you love him and are hurt it is making you look bad in his eyes to not respect his decision.

Back away and go dark and live your life and regain your self respect by not reaching out and pushing to be friends.

[Iamlostin]

well heres the thing I am still friends with some of his distant friends, and I don't want to stop being friends with them we'll be no where him. I am admitting to my faults but he wasn't perfect either, he broke up with me in october for the same reason (but I know he was depressed with work), but it wasn't because he wasn't feeling it, he knew I cared he just felt like a failure and at that time he didn't like the way he treated me. I remember he broke it off took my stuff within an hour and after texting my mom to see if I was ok he came back apologizing like crazy. I'm 50/50 about the getting his **** together because he has yet to get insurance and have that job that will have his back, and he sees everyone around us getting married and moving forward and i wonder if that was part of it too. money was an issue for a little but i didn't create an issues over it, i just went with it. part of me thinks he got away for the weekends to do work with his friend because he was truly lost, and needed space...but why not tell me.

[ExpatInItaly]

well heres the thing I am still friends with some of his distant friends, and I don't want to stop being friends with them we'll be no where him. I am admitting to my faults but he wasn't perfect either, he broke up with me in october for the same reason (but I know he was depressed with work), but it wasn't because he wasn't feeling it, he knew I cared he just felt like a failure and at that time he didn't like the way he treated me. I remember he broke it off took my stuff within an hour and after texting my mom to see if I was ok he came back apologizing like crazy. I'm 50/50 about the getting his **** together because he has yet to get insurance and have that job that will have his back, and he sees everyone around us getting married and moving forward and i wonder if that was part of it too. money was an issue for a little but i didn't create an issues over it, i just went with it. part of me thinks he got away for the weekends to do work with his friend because he was truly lost, and needed space...but why not tell me.

 

It sounds like he did try to tell you, back in October, when he first broke up with you. You opted not to take his reasoning into account and instead focused on other possible factors. I'm not saying he wasn't stressed and depressed, but you clearly stated he previously ended it with you for the same reason. So, you did know he wasn't happy and wanted space.

 

You need to leave him alone now. Don't try to be friends or maintain contact at this time. It's evidently irritating him a great deal and you are making it worse.

 

Some relationships just run their course. It doesn't mean things weren't once great and happy but the dynamics have changed. The present is where you need to stay focused. It wasn't working for him any longer. It hurts, of course. But you cannot make someone come to you if they don't want to.

[feelsobullied]

Guys are not that complicated really. If they aren't giving you their emotions, they are giving it to someone else. It also depends on how established and social he is. More established and social beings are constantly looking to be around women. It's a part of nature and you can't take that personally. You have to step aside and find your happiness without him. No contact is the best, trust me - continuous contact really does set you back. It is easier when they are clear but it doesn't matter. We all, everyone on this planet, has been where you are and you will get through it. Stay NC. Put a thread on NC day one and each day we will all talk you through it. You'll be fine. Five months ago I was so depressed, I'll never love again (cry cry cry) but I am so indifferent of the man and over it and free. Let's get you there. Being in a good place and dating is a good thing!

[Iamlostin]

Here's the thing though in October, the reasoning was NOT because he couldn't handle me or my pushiness, it was purely because and I quote from the texr he sent my mom months ago "she's an amazing girl and I love her but I was depressed and I didn't want to put her through it anymore". Both breakups did include the "feeling like crap", "wanting to do better" (because he always seemed like he had slmething to prove, felt he needed to get done like everyone around him, I knew that but he wouldn't tell me, he's halfway between being a young adult and a grown adult with his lifestyle.) he literally is the dictionary book definition of an alpha male, always had something to prove, didn't like to be told what to do, even if it was the right thing, had to be in control, etc. so I respect and see what you're saying however within an hour he came

Back and said had nothing to do with me. Now this time around it's a mix of both, it just got to be too much but the first time wasn't a direct hit on my pushiness

[Iamlostin]

Thank you so much, what does NC mean lol, and my previous post was for expatinitaly

[juniorrocha]

NC = No Contact. That means no talking, no stalking, and removing anything from your life that may remind you of him. This will allow yourself to heal. Each time you break it, you'll make it harder to let go.

 

Considering he is looking for space, let him have it by going dark.

[Iamlostin]

I had previously posted yesterday about a two year relationship down the drain, and I got some really good advice however now there's more that I just found out in the past 24 hours.....

 

 

Have a friend I reconnected with after a year VERY recently, she has known my exes brother back in highschool and pretty familiar with their close family friends to an extent way before I ever met my ex.

 

She did me a favor the other day and messaged my ex on what could possibly help me move on, she wanted to know if there was more to the breakup. I suggested it and I knew about it I just didn't think she'd do it. She played a friendly role trying to sound on both sides (which I think in part she's trying to remain neutral, but she did meantion they are friends, so there was some trust and hopefully therefore more information) so there was no question. I read the messages yesterday and it went from being strictly platonic from which he SAID it needed to be between them....it went to "come to my birthday next month, I don't want to hurt her so we don't have to post anything or tell her". Then to "what are you doing this weekend I'm going to this place, I'll pick you up so you don't have to drive" from something he stated to be platonic. I think these events were supposed to be with a bunch of people, however I am extremely hurt. Yes I put myself into this mess, but I can't believe she's actually in support of BOTH sides, or other words doesn't want either of us to be hurt. Like shouldn't she be like in more support of me ?

 

She feels bad and absolutely has no interest in him at all as she is currently working things out with her own ex. my friend was shocked herself on how the conversation went and was uncomfortable herself and even expressed that to Me and it wasn't right at what he did, but at the same time she's telling me "he knows better than to over step his boundaries, I just think he's trying to do new things with new people, I really don't think he meant it that way". really ? I know her and I know I can trust her because I know she has never been interested in him HOWEVER they have a past as being a good friend around when she was close with his brother. I know he even finds her attractive because from the beginning I knew he meantioned she was a beautiful, however I never got jealous like that because I know he was just saying just like I could say a guy was cute but it didn't mean anything. It wasn't like "that" but I knew he could have a longing for her. She's uncomfortable and I am too and I want to be her friend but do I trust her? I get I'm an idiot for this mess but both her and I had good intentions and nothing more. And we were both just thrown for a loop

Edited June 3, 2016 by Iamlostin

[stillafool]

What is your question or did you just want to vent?

[privategal]

I had previously posted yesterday about a two year relationship down the drain, and I got some really good advice however now there's more that I just found out in the past 24 hours.....

 

 

Have a friend I reconnected with after a year VERY recently, she has known my exes brother back in highschool and pretty familiar with their close family friends to an extent way before I ever met my ex.

 

She did me a favor the other day and messaged my ex on what could possibly help me move on, she wanted to know if there was more to the breakup. I suggested it and I knew about it I just didn't think she'd do it. She played a friendly role trying to sound on both sides (which I think in part she's trying to remain neutral, but she did meantion they are friends, so there was some trust and hopefully therefore more information) so there was no question. I read the messages yesterday and it went from being strictly platonic from which he SAID it needed to be between them....it went to "come to my birthday next month, I don't want to hurt her so we don't have to post anything or tell her". Then to "what are you doing this weekend I'm going to this place, I'll pick you up so you don't have to drive" from something he stated to be platonic. I think these events were supposed to be with a bunch of people, however I am extremely hurt. Yes I put myself into this mess, but I can't believe she's actually in support of BOTH sides, or other words doesn't want either of us to be hurt. Like shouldn't she be like in more support of me ?

 

She feels bad and absolutely has no interest in him at all as she is currently working things out with her own ex. my friend was shocked herself on how the conversation went and was uncomfortable herself and even expressed that to Me and it wasn't right at what he did, but at the same time she's telling me "he knows better than to over step his boundaries, I just think he's trying to do new things with new people, I really don't think he meant it that way". really ? I know her and I know I can trust her because I know she has never been interested in him HOWEVER they have a past as being a good friend around when she was close with his brother. I know he even finds her attractive because from the beginning I knew he meantioned she was a beautiful, however I never got jealous like that because I know he was just saying just like I could say a guy was cute but it didn't mean anything. It wasn't like "that" but I knew he could have a longing for her. She's uncomfortable and I am too and I want to be her friend but do I trust her? I get I'm an idiot for this mess but both her and I had good intentions and nothing more. And we were both just thrown for a loop

 

When someone is an EX you really need to have ZERO contact directly, through friends, on social media.

ANY contact will bring pain, confusion, and create more than a mess you already have.

I know you are hurting but the only way to help yourself and stop all this pain is to from today on...stop writing, calling, go dark...let all the dust and confusion settle. Block her and distance yourself from the group to not be affiliated.

Your embarrasing yourself and analyzing SO MUCH and I get why.

Its because it really hurts.

Please get your self esteem back by getting serious, READ THE NC GUIDE 10 TIMES. Stop assuming you can still be in contact and fix this. You CANT.

NO CONTACT is the only way.

Start today and in a month or so you will say wow...Im so glad I manned up and had enough strength and confidence to do that. Right now you are a mess, you look like a mess and its going to keep gettiing worse until you FORCE yourself to let go and fake it until you make it that you CAN CARE LESS if she dates the whole city or where she goes or what she does. Get your OWN life going and watch it change!

[privategal]

Ps. Stop with the friends with your ex bs too. Maybe in severa years when you are neutral and have zero feelings but you KNOW that keeps you from healing and moving on. Yes it hurts but hurts worse when you dont allow yourself the GIFT of zero contact or affiliation.

Its over and there isnt any reason you need to be friends at ALL.

Its inviting drama and pain. You really have to put yourself first.

Your trying to do it all your way and you see its not working and is a mess.

No friendship...no contact.

[Iamlostin]

I have posted a couple threads before hand. I've read all the messages and I appreciate the brutal honesty. I've been talking to friends, even my guy friends and there's this talk about the things that get a man to come back to a woman. (this is purely out of curiosity)

 

 

LETS BE HONEST, nothing can ever make or force anyone to come back to a relationship no matter how much you try. However I am just interested in what people have to say on this matter.

 

 

I've been seeing websites and books and manuals, and while some have decent "advice" there's no correct way or even guarantee for any kind of getting back together.

 

 

Basically, men OR women but specifically men because I'm interested from the male perspective, what in your mind makes a guy want to come crawling back?

[Blanco]

There's nothing you can do.

 

Most guys are basic with this stuff. If they say they want out, then take them at their word, because they don't usually leave unless they really want to.

 

Reading your other posts, it sounds like you've not really given him the space he's requested. You should respect his request. That's the only action you should take at this time regarding this guy. Anything else is just disregarding what he wants and focusing on your own wants.

[Iamlostin]

I have decided to give him that space, I have not contacted nor wanted to contact him for a few days now, I was talking with friends and was purely interested in what people had to say.....

As desperate as it appears I'm not looking for answers or solutions just actual feedback on the topic at hand....having nothing to do with my situation...

[Alamo657]

There is only one solution to get an ex back : solve all the issue you brought in the relationships, and be a better person.

 

But by the time you did this, youll have met someone new and the past will be the past.

[Zapbasket]

what in your mind makes a guy want to come crawling back?

 

These two things must be present for anyone, man or woman, to come "crawling back":

 

1. He realizes he made a mistake in breaking up.

 

2. He has the self-honesty, humility, courage and communication skills to get in touch with his ex and admit he made a mistake in breaking up with her.

 

#1 is not enough.

 

You have to realize though that the relationship you had is over, regardless of whether he comes back. This means for a second round to work, the problem(s) that caused the breakup will have to have been fixed. And even then it's not so simple, as sometimes it was just the wrong relationship for one or both of you.

 

It takes time and introspection to understand what caused the breakup and whether the problems can be fixed...and furthermore, whether they are problems YOU alone can fix. What allows this introspective process to unfold is the willingness to accept that the relationship is over. That doesn't mean you can decide to accept it overnight, but to at least be open to the process.

 

So, in your case I'd say try to shift your focus a bit from trying to glean whether he might come back, to an honest assessment of the relationship you had. It's hard because your emotions are crashing around in you like winter run-off through a slot canyon, and rational, calm thought is all but impossible. But TRY. Gradually, your emotions will calm down and open space in your mind for insight and clarity.

[smudge21]

I suppose it all depends on how and why it ended. If one cheated, then the trust and respect is gone, and often those things are impossible to replace. If it's a distance thing then obviously that's easy to sort with some effort. Every break up is different and everyone involved reacts differently. I do agree that we follow patterns and a lot of those relationship gurus do talk a lot of sense. However, for me personally, having been dumped by a girl and doing everything I could to get her back (from chasing to no contact etc), there comes a cut off point. A point where I no longer what them back.

 

For example. A few years back, one left and I followed some of the self help videos and websites. All the stuff about letting them miss you. Not chasing. Not begging. Working on myself to show her what she was missing. The thing is, it took around 4 or so months and she reached out... but by then, I'd worked on myself so much and been so apart from her, that I'd moved on. By the time she was at my door, I was opening it up to someone else. She was my everything, but thanks to no contact (which I originally used to get her back... don't we all?) I healed fully and realised that she'd had her shot and left me. So in regards your question, I reckon we all want our ex's back, but that feeling has a time limit. No contact, although initially we do it hoping they'll reach out, eventually allows us to heal and move on from them.

 

Life truly is too short to spend it chasing after people who don't want to be caught.

[gimlynick]

Don't read this kind of bull**** books.

 

imo it can happen BUT only if it was a 'happy break up', with both parties going their own way in a adult way. Not with any form of abuse or cheating in game.

 

 

And there is a reason why the break up has happened. So if that main problem hasn't changed, it doesn't make sence to even retry things.

 

I guess it takes years before someone really changes deep in him/herself.

 

 

People can change from many experiences, examples: Death of a close family member, travelling for a very long time, another long term relation that fades out, an illness, living in another city, getting out of collega/uni,...

 

If you still hav exactly the same life as priot to break up, chances are that reconciliation will be a bad idea.

 

Still... If you have changed, chances are high that you have met someone else, more special, or that you just don't give a **** anymore.

[Satu]

There is absolutely nothing you can do to make someone want to be with you.

 

Nothing.

 

If they do decide they want to be with you, its because of their own thinking process, not yours.

 

So the most productive thing you can do, is to back off, and let them think.

 

 

Take care.

[Iamlostin]

I appreciate all the comments, and some great insight. Just a reminder for some of those who commented not all, I am not looking for what to do with MY situation, I just wanted to hear what other people had to say, i've gotten so much advice and it's working, just wanted to know in a males case what has gotten you to get back with someone. I take into consideration every relationship is different and has it specifics reasons so therefore again I hence this has nothing to do with my past relationship AT ALL. Just curiosity. And if people have tried certain things, what worked? Because again a relationship TAKES TWO not just one.

[Zapbasket]

Quoting the OP from one of her other threads:

 

After two weeks of back and fourth with my ex of two years he finally put his foot down and warned me to leave him alone or he will block me. We had two weddings to attend, three parties that are all formal, and I thought going as friends was ok. But apparently it's not. We broke up because I was too pushy and gave him no place to breathe.

 

Hi Iamlostin,

 

Ok, referring to your specific situation, the above begs that you leave him alone. Otherwise, ANYTHING you do in relation to him will make him feel suffocated all over again. And it will kill any feeling he does have toward you.

 

I know it sucks. And it doesn't mean you are a "bad person" or were a "bad girlfriend" or any such thing. Just that his need for distance was impeded by your need for intimacy. [Edited to add: AND VICE VERSA. Spend some time reflecting on THAT.]

 

So for now, and for the foreseeable future--say, at least a year--leave him alone. Literally drop from his life. Focus on building new things in your life and psyche. Date, if you feel up to it. Given the push-pull dynamic you had with him, HE has to come to you if this is ever to work. Don't put your life on hold waiting for him. Just see what unfolds. If he doesn't reach out to you after a year, then you pretty much know.

 

You mentioned in one of your previous threads that you were still sleeping together, or considering it. DON'T. Don't settle for that.

 

In a nutshell, this is what your specific situation calls for.

[ydb_xo]

There is really nothing you can do to make someone want you back.

 

by experience, exes only come back when I no longer want them/nor contact them anymore.

with all my exes, they only want me when Im not there.

[Buddhist]

but by then, I'd worked on myself so much and been so apart from her, that I'd moved on. So in regards your question, I reckon we all want our ex's back, but that feeling has a time limit.

 

This is pretty much what I think too. I've been a dumper and there has not been a single instance in which I have wanted to go back to a relationship I've left. Not one. I left the relationships because I discovered that him and I just aren't good for each other. Consequently I find it so difficult to even imagine why anyone would want this except extreme neediness and not wanting to feel the pain of a breakup.

 

But even under those circumstances, you get the person back but still have all the same issues with them that you did before. So what was the point? I think it's important to look at why relationships break up in the first place. There is only ever one reason.....

 

The person you thought your partner was, is not the person they are.

 

That's it, right there. You saw a dream in the other person that turned out to not be reality. Everything else is just details. Since the reality of that person isn't what you want, why the hell would you want them back?

Edited June 7, 2016 by Buddhist